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Katsuki wishes the mirror was malleable. Watching his reflection, perfect as it follows his movements like a puppet, he wishes he could crawl through the silver frame and make tweaks. He would first change his eyebrows by filling them with hair follicles to create that bushy look he has always wanted. Next, he would move to his nose, he doesn’t know how it could be improved but he knows it needs it, it’s way too dainty. Tweaking his jawline would be next on the list. By pushing and pulling he would make it stronger. His body needs too much work to even comment on. Puberty would be the natural remedy, except, he doesn’t have that puberty- instead, he will just get softer.
His reflection frowns and pokes at the fat on his chest. He isn’t binding right now and it proves to be a mistake because the longer he stares the farther his mind wanders. It’s deep in the woods that grow in the darkest parts of his brain, overgrown with weeds and mold. And, the mold just keeps talking, “No one will love you like that,” and he replies with little sanity, “You’re right, I’m hideous.”
He walks away from the mirror, done with the conversation, to flop onto his bed, the red comforter conforming to hug him. He pulls it up around him, ready to disappear in a pile where all that exists is his eyes peeking out, watching. His All Might poster stares back and it makes his eyes feel less puffy. It’s a stupid comfort. But, the poster was his prized possession, framed and hung like precious cargo, despite it being five dollars from Walmart. His parents gave it to him when he started his transition as a sort of “you can do it!” give and he can’t give it up. When he sees it all he can imagine are his parents’ happy tears and the long talk his dad gave him about being a man. His dad was so proud of him when he repeated back the rules, the first being “men don’t hit anything but baseballs.”
His phone lights up on the bed next to him, flashing his explosion home screen and a notification. His discomfort is immediately replaced by giddy adrenaline. No one texts him, his school turned its back on him when he decided to wear the boy’s uniform and cut his hair short, but, he does have one person.
He opens the DM with slightly shaky fingers and excited eyes.
AllM1ght: KACCHAN!!!!
LordExplosion: …Deku
Allm1ght: you would not guess what i got in the mail today
LordExplosion: youre right i wouldn’t
Katsuki watches as Deku types for thirty seconds and then restarts, his typing bubble flashing for at least two tedious minutes. Sometimes he could strangle the nerd, it’s not like he could warrant the time with good grammar. Which, he knows the other has because the idiot writes nerdy fanfiction (so does Katsuki but that’s beside the point.) Finally, the reply comes through and he’s shocked by the sight of an image of Deku, something they’ve never sent before. Granted, his face isn’t in it, it’s all neck down. In the background, there are piles of dirty clothes- gross- but most importantly, there’s a shirtless Deku on his phone.
AllM1ght: I GOR MY FIRST BINDER!!!
AllM1ght: IM LITERALY IN TEARSA
AllM1ght: thank you for the advice by the way, it really helped when i bought it
Holy shit. There’s a shirtless Deku on his phone. He really shouldn’t be blushing this hard, but who knew the nerd has abs-
AllM1ght: Kacchan?
God, he thought his small, innocent crush was gonna go away soon, but nope. No hope now. He was useless and gay and those were perfectly good abs. He looked good as fuck in a binder.
AllM1ght: did i make it weird
AllM1ght: i kinda thought i shouldnt have sent a photo
AllM1ght: sorry
AllM1ght: I didnt even ask if that would trigger your dysphoria or anything
Katsuki’s eyes are torn from the photo by Deku’s rapid texting, his eyes widening when he reads the flood of messages. His heart beats off, processing Deku’s panic over his lack of answers to the read messages. He feels horrible, Deku thinks he’s sent him into a dysphoric attack of some sort when in reality he had just been thirsty. Goddammit, Katsuki. He’s an idiot.
LordExplosion: hey shush
LordExplosion: i was just distracted
AllM1ght: you sure it was fine?
LordExplosion: yah it was fine deku
LordExplosion: no need to freak out like that
AllM1ght: sorry :3
LordExplosion: Tch
AllM1ght: AWW you love me <33333
Blushing at the message, he buries himself further into his bed and covers his head with the comforter so that all he can see is the light reflecting Deku’s messages. All he wants to focus on right now is the nerd. He makes him feel all… fuzzy. He doesn’t know what to call them, friends, mutuals,- something else.
They met around a year ago. Both of them used online communities to escape when they were rejected by their schools. Deku was running an All Might fanfiction blog, reblogging anything he thought was good and posting his own. He was surprisingly good, garnering a good amount of followers. Katsuki was running his own blog, although his was more personal than anything. He would casually post and reblog transgender posts, cat videos, and he would occasionally put his two cents in the All Might fandom. One of his posts went “viral,” a stupid comment that Nighteye and All Might were definitely divorced. Deku had found him through that post, them becoming mutuals after Deku followed him.
Katsuki had thought it was weird how much Deku had been interacting with his male to female posts as Deku had his pronouns listed as She/Her in his bio forever. But then, one day while they were showing off their comic collection, Deku confessed he thought he may be a boy. Katsuki told him what his parents told him, “You can do it!” and that’s how Deku got his nickname, he said he may use “Dekiru” as his new penname and Katsuki retorted he was more of a “Deku” than anything.
The nickname Kacchan came about in a way more embarrassing way that Katsuki was not willing to divulge.
Somewhere along the way of these texts, Katsuki had developed some sort of crush- ew- on the nerdy-ass boy.
LordExplosion: sure…
AllM1ght: you do! just admit it!
LordExplosion: no
AllM1ght: cmon i love you say it back
FuCK. Katsuki was bright red at this point. Was this flirting? This had to be flirting. The idiot said he loved him. Oh my god. Panic. Panic. Panic. This was what gay panic felt like.
LordExplosion: i love you :(
He was going to scream.
AllM1ght: im blushing
He made the nerd blush.
AllM1ght: hey kacchan
LordExplosiom: yah deku
Katsuki thought the typing bar would hover for a while, in the usual Deku manner in situations like this. And apparently in ab photo situation. God. Those were hot. But, instead, the reply was almost instantaneous.
AllM1ght: do you wanna be my boyfriend
Katuski choked on his spit. What does he say? He wants to, he really, really wants to say yes. He can imagine it, calling each other up and saying lovey-dovey things. Or, flying to each other and doing those super embarrassing first meetings at an airport that always end with someone being held in the other’s arms. He hopes he’ll be the latter, as it’s the less embarrassing option of the two. He wishes for it. All of it, everything that being a couple is.
AllM1ght: ive thought about it for a while. I think itll be really good i mean ive looked up to you for so long. And you always get what im going through and i hope its the same way for you and i dont know about you but i really wan to meet you and hold your hand and run my fingers through your hair
AllM1ght: i really really like you katsuki
Katsuki. Katsuki. Katsuki. He wishes he knew what Deku’s voice sounded like saying that, but for now he can just imagine.
LordExplosion: i really like you too Izuku
He really wants to scream now. That was probably the first time he had ever used Izuku’s chosen name and it was in a cringe confession. He’ll bury himself.
AllM1ght: <333333333333333333333333
AllM1ght: WERE BOYFRIENDS
AllM1ght: MY BOYFRIEND IS KACCHAN
LordExplosion: WELL MY BOYFRIEND IS DEKU
LordExplosion: HELL YAH FUCKER
He thinks back to the thoughts before when he stared at his body and thought no one would ever love him. God, how wrong was he?