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When she gets stuck in the Judoon prison for years, she has lots of time to think. The days stretch long, and Rassilon, she hates it. She's not one to sit still. It tears her apart.
Then again, maybe that's exactly what she needed. Perhaps she needed to feel her sanity cracking a bit under the pressure of each dull day to get the tiniest idea of what it feels like to lose it.
Maybe she needed to stop for a while, just her and the four walls. No planets to save, no wars to fight, no humans to protect. She has all the time in the world.
She spends some of it trying to figure out her newfound identity. It takes her far shorter than she thought it would. It's easy, really.
She's the Doctor. An idiot, always an idiot in a box. A traveller. The one that helps when you call.
She chose that name a long time ago and made it her own. She made her identity from its meaning. She chose to be who she is, and nothing, not even centuries of a life she doesn't remember, can change that.
It doesn't matter what she is. She knows WHO she is.
And it doesn't matter what she lived through that much, either. She doesn't remember these lives. She doesn't even remember her own faces back then.
What she remembers is her more recent lives. Her adventures, her friends, companions... And her best enemy.
She spends the rest of her time thinking about him, of course. Replaying his words over and over again.
In the end, she understands.
But then Jack saves her, and they fight the Daleks and save the Earth, and then, then Flux happens, and Rassilon, she's so tired. She's so tired of it all.
When the next distress call appears to be another of his traps, she doesn't even try to hide the thrill it sends through her veins.
She reveals his plan much faster than usual. But, then again, she's highly motivated and absurdly hyped with energy. First, she sort of explains the situation to Yaz and Dan and sends them to save the day. Then, when she's sure they'll be fine, she goes to meet her best enemy.
By the time the Master meets her, he must know about her meddling. He's furious, as he almost always is, unless he thinks he's beaten her. He's trembling with the rage bursting through his body, his hands in fists so tight it makes his knuckles pale, shaking hard as his chest heaves.
"Doctor. What a nice surprise."
She ignores him. She ignores anything he might have to say. It's all lies, anyway.
She marches towards him, her face determined. He staggers a step or two back, surprised and unsure what to expect from her. Good.
She stops right in front of him, pushing into his personal space the same way he often does to her. His eyes light up manically. There's so much hope in them as his lips spread into a Cheshire-like grin, and it almost breaks her hearts.
"Oh. How lovely. Have you changed your mind, then? Come on. Show me what you've got!"
He's so excited she can feel it washing over him in waves. His mind is static, bursting with thrill. Yet, she can still sense the ache deep underneath it now that she knows what to focus on.
He thinks she came to fight. He probably thinks she regrets not killing him with the Death Particle. He looks like he's so sure she's about to change that, transform that regret into anger and hit him with its full force. He's so delighted by the prospect of being hurt by her.
God, he has a huge surprise coming.
"Come on, Doctor!"
She takes another step, losing any remaining distance. Then she throws herself at him.
She can feel him freeze when she circles her arms around his middle, hugging him tightly. He's so still that he could be a statue if she didn't hear his hearts racing where she presses her face to his chest. He's so warm. She forgot how soft this body is. She forgot how soothing it is to have him this close. Even when he was pretending to be O, he was the only exception. The only one that didn't make her want to crawl out of her skin once she touched them. She snuggles even closer, her lips forming a content smile.
"What...what are you doing?"
"I'm hugging you."
"Yes, I can... That's not... Why?"
He's stumbling over his words, and the Doctor finds it oddly adorable. It's been so long since she'd seen him anything but overconfident, so it's nice to see the effect her little plan has on him.
"Because you're an idiot."
He's standing there, his arms dangling helplessly next to his body, the Doctor clutching his body like a four-tentacled octopus. He's so shocked, and it makes him so weirdly cute that the Doctor finds it hard to resist giggling.
"Is this... Have you been googling? You know, hugging someone to death is metaphorical nonsense made up by those dumb insects you love so much and..."
He stops abruptly. It might be her fault a bit since she moved in his arms, spreading her hand over one of his madly thumping hearts. His breathing hitches and she knows she shouldn't, but she counts it as a small victory.
"I don't want to hug you to death."
"Then... What exactly do you think you're doing?"
"I just want to hold you."
"Doctor, are you drunk? Are you... Do you feel alright?"
She can hear the edge of concern he lets himself slip out in his confusion, and her lips twitch into a grin.
"Nah. I'm fine. I've just realised something."
"And what would that be?"
"You're an idiot." She repeats, and the Master sighs, resting his hands on her hips in a very lame attempt to push her away. No chance. First, she's glued to him like a tick, and there's no way she's letting go any time soon. He can try. Second, she can hear his heartbeats, still so ridiculously fast.
"You've already said that. Got some more breath-taking news?"
"You're an utter moron. Ridiculous fool."
"Look, I do appreciate our fights, but if you're here just to insult me..."
"How could you possibly think it changes anything at all?"
"... What?"
She moves her head, looking into his dark eyes. They look like warm chocolate this time. And oh, they are so, so lost. She lifts one hand from where she rested it over his waist and gently caresses one of his cheeks.
"How could you think you had no other way to catch my attention? The games, the killing, the betrayals... I know, it's mostly my fault, I KNOW. But how could you not know I'd leave everything the second you'd call?"
He freezes again, his face hardening. It'd be convincing if she didn't know him. It'd be a good mask, a good act, weren't she close enough to notice the way his bottom lip quivered. Close enough to feel his hearts almost beating out of his chest with their pace. They drum against her where she presses close, still so quick.
"How could you believe you were anything but my other half? How could you ever believe you were less than me?"
She sees the way he breaks silently. She can see the memory playing inside his mind, her own words very different back then, awful and angry and piercing. She runs her fingertips over his cheek, wordlessly catching the first drops of salt forming beneath his glassy eyes. Then she pushes herself to her toes to press a soft kiss on his forehead.
"How could you believe that I'd care about the lives I didn't spend with you by my side? You utter idiot."
He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again, resembling a fish. Then, he finally snaps, breaking in her arms.
She holds him closer as his body starts shaking with sobs he tries to hide. Tears run freely down his face now, glistening in the slowly descending sun. She kisses them dry and pulls him down with her, both of them falling to their knees. She holds him tight, letting his face hide in her shoulder.
"It's alright. I've got you. I'm here. I promise. I won't leave. I won't ever leave you again, you silly fool. I've got you."
He whimpers, barely gasping for breaths between the heavy crying. She feels his tears drenching both her coat and the T-shirt underneath. She ignores it, resting her chin over his head, curling protectively over him.
All the despair. All the rage. All the killing. All of it was simply a deep-rooted pain she chose not to see.
All the betrayals were simply a proof of the insecurities he had, insecurities that he'd never admit to.
All the traps were a desperate try to catch her attention in any way he could. He thought he couldn't have her. He thought she could never love him anymore. He thought she never did. So, he fixed on the next closest thing. He satisfied himself with her hate and disappointment, pretending it didn't burn. Pretending it didn't set his soul on flames.
All of it could have been avoided if she had only paid more attention. All of it could have stopped a long time ago if she had simply caught him once he fell. He wouldn't let her the last time she tried, too scared to get burnt even more... And she never tried again. She cautiously pretended with Missy. And she gave up on this incarnation. She never really tried to simply hold him, hold him tight enough for the pieces of his broken soul to stick together again.
She rubs her hand up and down his back, her other combing through his dark hair. She clutches his trembling body close. She kisses the top of his head. And she doesn't let go.