Chapter Text
Clarke
When I wake up the silence surrounds me. When we first got to earth I used to love the silence. It was a commodity we never had in the ark. But now I hated it, because it was always broken with a scream. No matter where or when the silence found us, trouble followed. Something terrible was always ready to strike when there was silence.
I looked at the medical bay, I had fallen asleep on the job again. Luckily no one had gotten hurt or sick in the past few days, so it was slow for me. Everyone was enjoying the warm spring that had found us. It chased the cold winter out of our bones. We were happier, excited for what lay ahead.
I bit down on my cheek, trying to fight off the exhaustion. Ever since the group left to go hunting I hadn't slept. Not because I was worried, although I was. This trip was different, especially since they didn’t have their fearless leader helping them. They were searching for food without him there to have their backs and it was all my fault. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. I couldn’t even fall asleep without that voice inside my head reminding me yet again how terrible of a leader I was.
Bellamy had been missing for two weeks now. Ever since Jasper wandered back into camp without him, disoriented and claiming the grounders took him, I had been keeping count. Two weeks without my second in command, two weeks without someone to help me handle the load of watching out for our people. It was a long time to spend without your best friend. It was a long time to carry the weight on your own shoulders.
Lincoln and Octavia have been searching for him. They left the day after Jasper came back without him, they haven’t been back since. I found it hard to focus, especially because they wouldn't let me come along. They said one leader needed to stay at camp, since Bellamy was missing I was the chosen leader. I fought them, but I didn't win. In the end raven convinced me to stay. They were right, our people needed someone to keep their hopes up.
I needed Bellamy to keep mine up.
Two weeks without any news or word from the two of them and I was starting to lose hope. I was starting to believe he was gone for good, before we really had a chance to figure things out between us. Before I had a chance to answer him. Instead I walked away like the coward I was. Just like I walked away eight months ago, too afraid to face our friends after the battle we had been forced to fight.
I wandered back here and found them all happy to see me, even if I wasn’t completely healed from the pain I carried, at least I knew my people still wanted me. They didn’t blame me, they still looked to me for answers. They same way I looked to Bellamy for my answers. Expect he wasn’t here now, I had to find my own answers. I had to find my own way.
I was starting to understand how he felt while I was gone. Lost, alone, the weight of our friends and family on his shoulders. I wanted to apologize to him, I wanted him to know how sorry I was for making him suffer those five months without me.
Lexa had him. I was sure of it, if the grounders took him, Lexa was behind it. She knew how important he was to me. She knew I cared for him more than the others. This was her revenge for the mountain. This was her answer to the broken alliance. She was taking away the person I cared about, the same way they took Costia away from her
I was so mad I could pull my hair out. If we hadn't been fighting he wouldn't have been distracted. He wouldn't have been going in the wrong direction. The peace treaty was clear, we were to stay on our side of the river and there would be no problems. Bellamy had surely crossed that line. Now he was paying the price.
He was paying my price.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying not to think about the last thing I had said to him. It was mean and hard, used to get him to stop asking me to make a decision. I thought I would see him again, I thought we had more time. I was a fool, no one on the ground had more time. I should know not to bite my tongue by now.
My head was pounding, not from Monty’s moonshine either. I hadn’t had a drink of that stuff since the incident happened. I called it the incident, Bellamy preferred the event. Either way it was an accident that sparked an even bigger distance between us. We weren’t exactly friends, but we were co-leaders. We depended on each other to lead, but that meant there couldn’t be more between us.
Then again the line I had created got blurry from time to time. Like the night I got hurt, Bellamy was the only one I thought I could go to for help. I wasn’t looking, I walked into a sharp end of the drop ship. It cut the skin, deep enough to hurt and need stitches, but it didn’t do any damage. I was the doctor, and yet he stitched me up pretty good without any trouble. He let me stay with him, he helped me with the work I needed to do. I didn’t even have to ask him, he was just there.
Maybe that was when things changed.
No it had to have been the first night of spring, when the warm made us all giddy teenagers again. The moonshine flooded our cheeks, the fire huddled us together. It was as if there wasn’t any danger in the woods, like we were all out camping and having a hell of a time. We forgot about our problems, the worries we had been chasing ever since we landed. For once we were alive and we were happy.
We were also drunk.
The night I wandered back into camp, Bellamy had been so happy to see me he ran into my arms, the same way I did after coming home from the mountain the first time. That moment had been my favorite moment of them all, because he was here waiting for me. He was here hoping I would find my way back home. That image entered my mind, that was the moment I decided it all changed.
We didn’t talk about it after I found my way back into the group. I found my spot beside him as his co-leader, and somehow we forgot about our happy reunion. That’s how we worked, we worked best with our emotions in check.
I closed my eyes, rubbing them hard enough to get the memory out of my head. It wasn’t like I hated the memory, I was just too tired to read into it. I didn’t want to ruin something that we had worked so hard to build. Which is what would happen if we actually talked about that night. Bellamy and I were both good at that, avoiding something that went too deep.
Apparently Bellamy was ready to get deep. I on the other hand, was not.
As tired as I was apart of me wished for someone to come in and take my mind off of Bellamy. I was tired of going in circles, wondering what I felt. I knew what I felt, I was too stubborn to tell anyone else what I felt. I took in a deep breath, running my fingers through my long curls. They were fuzzy, I needed a haircut.
The more I sat there, I realized I was glad we were slow, I knew I couldn't focus on anyone who needed me. I was a mess of exhaustion and hunger and frustration. I needed to make my way back to my tent and get some real sleep. I knew if Bellamy was here he'd be on me about the fact that I hadn't eaten in twenty four hours. He always got on me for that.
I stood up, deciding to cut my time short. I grabbed my jacket and closed the door behind me. I put a sign up saying the next person would be in soon. I was too tired to care, I stumbled towards my tent. Just as I pulled the flap back I heard my name.
"Clarke!" I turned to find Miller coming towards me. He was running ahead of the rest. He ran through the gate and grabbed my arm, "Clarke we thought you'd be in the medical bay. We need your help.”
In the setting sun my mind wouldn’t focus, I was hungry and tired. I was ready to collapse as he stood there waiting for me to answer him. I looked at him confused, wondering why he was back already. He was with the hunting party. He wasn't supposed to be back yet was he? They had left about four days ago. Maybe I was wrong. It usually took them a week to bring home food.
"What?" I couldn't form a sentence as I watched the rest of the group come into view. I wanted to ask why they needed me, but the words didn’t come out. I watched the four of them make their way towards the gates. I strained my eyes, and that’s when I saw Lincoln carrying something and I stopped, realizing it wasn’t something, he was carrying someone.
Miller was staring at me, "Clarke it's Bellamy. We found him, but he needs your help.”
The air left my lungs as the gate closed and they brought him in. He looked bad, really bad. There were bruises across his face, blending in with his freckles. His eye was swollen, the other one looked to be healing. There was a gash across his forehead, blood was running down his cheek. He moaned as Lincoln carried him like a sack of potatoes. All the anger I had felt towards him when he left was gone.
I had to save him. After two weeks I knew what it was like to run things without him. I didn't want to do this without him anymore.
I followed them back towards the medical bay, all thoughts of sleep and exhaustion leaving me. I was running on pure adrenaline at this point. My heart was pounding in my chest as I watched Bellamy's shallow breaths go in and out. This wasn't how I imagined him coming home. I thought of the strong boy who always saved us, the one who knew where to step and how to keep safe.
This boy was broken and abused. He was hanging onto life by a thread.
"What the hell happened?" I asked as they put his long form on the table.
Lincoln had been carrying him, “grounder’s had him. It looks like they enjoyed it too,” he grunted as I put my hand on his face and then Lincoln pulled his shirt away, “they baited him or got him when he wasn’t paying attention. That’s the mark of a very old trap.”
I pushed down the top of his pants. The fabric had been rubbing against his wound, it was red and angry. I pushed his shirt back, the telltale signs of infection already there, "when did you find him?”
"Two days ago," Octavia answered, “Lexa was the one who had him. It took us a day to get him out of her clutches, another day to walk back here. She told us he walked right into their trap, he was distracted and he had to pay. She didn’t have a reason for torturing him, but she seemed to enjoy it.”
Her words were hard and I knew she was staring at me. I had a feeling Octavia knew what her brother was distracted by. I ignored her stare and reached for the knife. They were all watching as I cut his shirt off. It wasn't smart, we all had a few pieces of clothing to keep us warm in the winter that lay ahead, but he was soaked in blood. I didn't have any other choice.
"It's infected," I tried to stay calm, but my heart was hammering inside my chest. This was Bellamy, he was always careful, always in tune with the woods. He never got distracted, he never got kidnapped.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, I knew exactly what he had been thinking about. Again that little voice screamed at me that this was my fault. The last two weeks of torture and pain for both of us, was on my shoulders.
I looked at the party that had gathered. I couldn’t focus with all their eyes waiting to see if I saved our friend. The friend who always took care of us. I shook my head, "I need space. Octavia and Lincoln can stay. Everyone else go. I'll find you when I'm done.”
Everyone left as I pressed my hand against his forehead, "he has a fever. I need to focus on the infection first. The wound needs cleaned before I even try and stop the bleeding.”
Lincoln grabbed the herbs I needed and handed them to me. He was as good with this as I was, he was focused, he wasn’t letting his emotions get in the way. I on the other hand was doing everything I could do to keep myself from falling apart. This was Bellamy, I wasn’t sure I could save him. He had always been the one who did the saving, now I had to make sure he survived this.
Bellamy gasped as I pushed against his hip, the cut ran along his stomach down towards his thigh. I winced as he coughed, groaning even in his unconscious state. He winced, his hands shaking as he tried to fight me off before he passed out again. I knew that was the reaction to torture, he still thought he was with the grounders.
I put my hand against his forehead, his teeth started to chatter, “I need something for the infection, Lincoln. Hand me that jar.”
He did as he was told and I put the pulpous over his wound. He stopped moving, his mouth fell open. His head turned towards me, and I felt my heart break. This shouldn’t be so hard, I should be able to concentrate. I needed Bellamy the same way he needed me. I knew why this was so hard. I was terrified of losing him for more than one reason.
I didn’t want to lead without him. If I kept saying that to myself, maybe I would believe that was the only reason the thought of losing him scared me half to death.
Octavia was muttering under her breath, watching me as I walked around the table. Her brown eyes were so much like her brother’s I could feel them wearing a hole in me. She was angry at me, she was angry that he had been distracted by our fight. I knew her as well as her brother did. She was going to blame this on me until he woke up.
I couldn't concentrate, because I knew she was muttering about me, "look you can either help or get out. I don't need your comments distracting me too.”
She stopped, Lincoln watching the two of us. We had been getting along better lately, but our relationship was still strained, mostly because she was the one pushing me and her brother together. I didn't wait for her answer, I focused on Bellamy.
His skin was pale, it was also burning up. His eyes were moving and I knew he was in pain. He groaned as I touched the tender wound on his hip. I pulled my hand back, taking the moonshine from Lincoln. His face was a pattern of bruises, I needed to tend to the cuts on his forehead. They would have to wait, the one on his hip was the worst one.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing this would hurt him more than it would hurt me. I pour it on the cloth slowly, pressing it down hard against the infection. He groaned again, his body jerking away from my touch. My heart hurt as he tried to push me away, but I continued to clean the wound. His arms thrashed out, Lincoln held him down as I put more moonshine on the infection. I had to clean the wound, this was the best I could do.
I looked at the grounder, “thank you,” I said quietly.
Watching Bellamy in pain wasn’t easy. Having Lincoln hold him down made it a little easier. I took in a deep breath, waiting for him to wake up and curse at me for doing this to him. I knew he wasn’t waking up soon, his body was shutting done from pain and exhaustion. The same way mine was fighting to stay awake and save him.
I stopped short of the table, something in the wound glistened. I laid my hand against his hip, gasping, “there’s still a piece of metal in his skin.”
Lincoln looked where I was pointing, “that’s why it’s infected. That thing is rusty and old. We need to pull it out,” his jaw tensed, “they left it in there for two weeks. They wanted him to die a slow and painful death, infection spreads slowly until it hits the heart.”
I nodded, “well we are going to let that happen. We need to be really careful. You hold him down. I’ll get something to put in his mouth. It’s going to be painful, I don’t know if I can do it if he starts screaming.”
Lincoln’s big eyes were staring at me and he gave me a nod. He didn’t show much emotion, only smiled for Octavia, but his eyes told me everything I needed to hear, “you can do it,” his voice was low and even, “he’s counting on you Clarke. He always counts on you.”
I nodded slowly, pouring moonshine over my hands to sterilize them. Before I thought twice about it, I took a swig of the stuff to calm my nerves. Not that it would help, they were prettying much fried at this point. Still my hands weren’t shaking as I got ready for the surgery.
I took in a deep breath and reached towards the metal. It was in there pretty good, which is why it hadn’t fallen out while Lincoln carried him. I hated the grounders even more as I thought about him abused and tortured, with a piece of metal sticking out of his body. I sucked in a breath, watching as Bellamy thrashed against Lincoln’s strong hold.
“Be still Bell, I know it hurts but it’ll be over soon,” I grabbed the metal with both hands, pulling as hard as I could as he yelled out loud. I bit my lip, tasting blood as I kept pulling. It was a long piece, tucked inside the meat of Bellamy’s skin. I pulled and then finally it broke free as he sobbed.
I threw it down on the ground, pressing a rag to his sweaty forehead, “I’m sorry,” I whispered on the verge of tears as I watched a few roll down his cheeks. Bellamy never cried, it was rare to see him do anything but smirk and hurl insults, “I’m only trying to help you.”
Octavia snorted, “yeah well we all know this is your fault princess.”
I looked up at her, my fingers on his forehead, “Octavia please. Not now. I’m helping your brother, stop being a brat.”
She raised her eyebrow as Lincoln nodded his head, “just let her help Bellamy, Octavia.”
I sat down on the stool I had been in before they all arrived back at the camp. I took in a deep breath, watching his chest rise and fall. The steady rhythm made me feel better, it gave me hope that the fever would break soon. I laid a bandage over the wound, but I didn’t seal it up. It needed to breath out the infection.
I felt like I was going to be sick, but I pushed it back down. I had to be strong for him, I had to focus. If I didn’t he would die, I would never forgive myself if that happened.
Lincoln went to take off his gear as I laced my fingers through his. I took in a breath, wondering how long it had been since this man had a haircut. I smiled thinking about how much he looked like a puppy dog with his shaggy hair. I shook my head wondering why I had ever been so stubborn.
Two weeks and I couldn’t even feel happy that he was back home with us. Because he was laying on the table, barely there with us. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly, tell him how much I had missed him. I wanted to apologize and tell him everything I never got to stay. Then I wanted to smack him and tell him how much of a fool he was for getting taken by the grounders.
I leaned against the table, Octavia sitting down across from me.
"Now what?" Octavia asked just as the quiet became too much for me.
I pushed his curls out of his face, the exhaustion hitting me once again, "now we wait."