Chapter Text
The city rushed past him in a blur. Everything that had happened in the past few hours was a disordered chain of pictures and events in Eggsy’s head, every single memory popping up just to fade for another image to take its place. here was Arthur, ordering him to shoot JB, Merlin showing him his Kingsman gear, Valentine whom he had killed himself with one of those razor-sharp knife-legs he had taken from Gazelle.
And then there was the image of Harry, slumped down on the ground where Valentine had shot him in front of the church. he scenario replayed itself again and again in Eggsy’s head and he couldn’t find a way to put a halt to it or to change what had happened.
Eggsy had been sitting in Harry’s office after he had failed to shoot his dog, after he had ruined everything he had worked for. Harry had wanted him to wait there until he would return to ‘sort this mess out’. his had been Harry’s last words to Eggsy, filled with disappointment and rising anger.
He had disappointed Harry, and there was no way for Eggsy to undo this. Harry had died filled with disappointment and it was Eggsy’s fault and his fault alone. He felt his eyes burning with rising tears and couldn’t care less about who might see him cry. He had lost his mentor, his role model, a person Eggsy had truly admired and trusted beyond reason.
After seeing Harry die, Eggsy had just worked like a machine. All he had had in mind was to avenge Harry’s death. On the outside he had appeared nothing but calm and determined, but on the inside there had been a raging storm no one could possibly stop. He had wanted to end Valentine, to tear him apart, had wanted to reduce him to something smaller than nothingness. What Eggsy had done to kill Valentine had been efficient, yes, but it had not been enough to satisfy the tremendous hatred that still filled his mind.
It had not been enough, not even close. What he had done simply did not match the deal Harry had meant to him and Eggsy thought it wasn’t fair that he hadn’t had enough time with Harry.Despite the fact that Eggsy did barely know anything at all about Harry’s private life he had felt a connection to his mentor right from the beginning. It was something he could not even explain; it had just felt natural, like a force drawing him towards Harry whenever he was near. Now that this force could no longer work, that there was no gravitation Eggsy felt drawn to, he felt empty. He felt, like he had lost everything.
But that was not quite true. Although Eggsy had failed his final test, the task Arthur had set him, he was a Kingsman now. He had finally reached the goal he had aimed for ever since he had met Harry Hart for the first time, had seen him fight in that little pub, knocking out a group of more than five illiterate chav buffoons alone and Eggsy found he could not care less. He now had all what he ever wanted, he had a purpose, the possibility to really make a change for himself and his family, but he would happily give all of this up again if that would bring Harry back from the dead.
But Harry Hart was dead, and he will still be dead tomorrow and the day after, there was no way to change that, so Eggsy had to move on somehow. He had to find a way to manage whatever he would be facing as soon as the cab, which currently brought him to the headquarters, had reached its destination. Merlin would be there; he would find a way to keep Eggsy as much out of the way as possible. Merlin will know and he won’t lose a single word about it, he will leave Eggsy to himself to grieve and will summon him only when it’s inevitable. hey were human, after all, although they always liked to pretend otherwise. Every single Kingsman will be devastated and although none of them will show it, they will all be mourning Harry’s early and unexpected death.
Eggsy was looking out of the window of the cab, now paying attention to the area the driver was currently navigating them through and he became painfully aware of the fact that he had nearly reached his destination. he sudden realisation hit him off-guard. He didn’t know how to face this, he didn’t know how to get out of the cab and step into headquarters knowing that Harry definitely won’t be there. Eggsy wasn’t prepared for this, he knew how to kill people, how to knock them out, he knew how to get out of every imaginable dangerous situation unharmed, but he didn’t know how to get out of this without being damaged beyond repair.
He found himself wishing that he wasn’t alone, and although he wanted to be nothing but let alone, he craved a reassuring presence at his side. He wished at least JB would be with him as Eggsy, despite JB’s lack of a terrifying set of teeth and his overall cuddly appearance, was incredibly fond of his dog. Yes, Eggsy had wanted a bulldog in the first place and he had been a bit disappointed when he had realized that JB would not grow as big as Eggsy had planned, but they had managed to stick together, JB had always been a good company and had never let him down. Eggsy would never have been able to shoot his little friend and he was proud to say so, harming an innocent animal was not what Eggsy deemed gentlemanly. But thinking about these matters made no sense at all, he was alone; JB was still in Eggsy’s room, waiting for him to return. here are some walks you have to walk alone.
With this in mind he braced himself as he made out the outline of Kingsman headquarters in front of him. Only a few moments of solitary, then he would be back to the house he had learned to call his home. Eggsy took a quick glance in the mirror, untangled his dishevelled mess of hair and briefly cleaned his glasses for they were smeared with the remainders of the tears he had shed. he cab came to a halt in front of the door of Kingsman headquarters and Eggsy took one last reassuring glance in the mirror and straightened his tie. He still looked devastated but it will do for the sake of appearance. With a shaky breath, Eggsy, the newest Kingsman, opened the door and got out of the car.