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He comes into your life like a whirlwind. A clumsy man who’s hiding so much behind the chipper and friendly persona he carries. He’s just some guy. Some guy who’s entire goofy charismatic charm is a cracked damn threatening to break any moment. But he never does. Even when everyone is expecting him to.
You're the last to find out he’s a widower. Despite being his co-worker, getting to know him closer than anyone else on the team. Somehow everyone else already knew he lost his wife before moving from Texas to California. A mysterious accident.
But you’re the only one he told.
Everyone else knew because everyone was nosey and looked him up, wanting to know everything about this stranger who showed up out of the blue one day. Ethan Winters. The young systems engineer that might as well be the human embodiment of a golden retriever but with this sad pitiful look behind his eyes.
You’re not just his co-worker. You’re the first friend he made when he arrived. You told him jokes just to hear him laugh, so that he could smile and for once it could be real. You made sure he was comfortable at work. And when you found him pouring in too many hours you let him know he could talk to you.
He did.
Ethan told you everything. His entire life story spilled out over coffee after work. Originally you two had meant to be going over a work project but he decided to test your offer. Of course, you had been sincere, genuine, and told him you meant what you said.
“Stop me if it’s too much, if you think I’m oversharing or you get uncomfortable or, or if it's not appropriate-” He stuttered over his words, gripping his cut like a lifeline as he tried to figure out if you two were just co-workers or if he could talk to you as a friend.
“Ethan,” You had told him, warm and sure, “You’re fine. Go ahead.”
Ethan smiled. He sat up a little straighter. He seemed confident for once.
He told you her name was Mia. That they had met while he was in college and they fell in love almost immediately. She was beautiful, the most beautiful he had ever seen and then some. She was like a work of art he couldn’t take his eyes off of. She was sweet and kind to him. Considerate of him in ways he didn’t think anyone could be for another person. She built him up when he was down and helped him work through the worst of his problems. In turn he did the same for her. He was the first to answer her call, sometimes before she could even make it. He’d see flowers that reminded him of her and he’d gift them to her. He recited old love songs to her, reminded her how much she was loved on the days she felt like nothing. Ethan didn’t used to believe in fate or any sort of supernatural but he believed they were meant for each other. They had worked so perfectly. If they ever got upset with each other it was never for long. They never truly fought, always a light hearted bickering until they could properly address an issue. They were perfect in every sense of the word.
They were married for three perfect years. They were talking about having kids.
And then she died.
An accident. She had been on a work trip. Left for Europe for months then on her way home the boat she was on was taken under by a hurricane.
Ethan apologized to you for tearing up while talking about it. You told him you understood, that it was okay, it hadn’t even been five months since the incident and he has every reason to be upset.
One year later you two are attached at the hip. Best friends. You do everything together.
You showed him around California, all the places you grew up in and knew like the back of your hand. You took him to the best dive bars along the beach and introduced him to your highschool buddies. You were arrested together. Got wasted together at a mutual friend’s bachelor party. Ethan even became your roommate when you decided to rent out a house on the beach.
It’s how you found out he was struggling with an alcohol addiction.
Ethan tried to hide it but you still figured it out. He always drank too much, you had just thought he was competitive, wanted to drink you under the table. But he’d show up to work sometimes late. Sometimes hung over, other times still drunk. You got home late one night and found him passed out on the couch. You tried to get him to bed without waking him up but he did anyway.
Ethan drunkenly confessed he believed Mia was still alive. That she was still out there, somewhere. Maybe she just didn’t remember him. Maybe, worst of all, she didn’t love him anymore.
You told him the part about her not loving him anymore was stupid. Ethan had said it himself, they were the definition of perfect. If she were out there then she was just trying to find her way back to him. He had never met Mia but he told Ethan he knew she still loved him.
The next day Ethan confessed he didn’t want to be an alcoholic anymore. He said he wanted help getting out of the pit he had dug himself into.
And you were there to help him get on his feet.
You helped keep him accountable and in turn you tried to be responsible yourself. Eventually Ethan didn’t have a problem anymore. He bought you a fancy watch to thank you for your help. To thank you for being such a good friend.
You had known him for two years when you realized you were in love with him.
Not many people knew you were gay. Only a couple of your closest friends from highschool knew. And they had all moved away or died or forgot you existed. And you had never gotten around to telling Ethan.
You certainly weren’t going to tell him now.
It took everything in you not to act on it. You couldn’t tell him, you couldn’t ever be more than best friends. It was killing you from the inside out but you’d never do that to him. Worst of all you worried about what would happen if he ever found out. You worried about how things might change between you two. Things were perfect now. Perfect as they could be with your undeclared love hanging above you like Damocles.
Then one night you had done it.
You couldn’t help it.
The way he smiled, the way he looked at you, did he even know how cute he was? It seemed like a crime for a single person to carry that much light about them. He was more than a golden retriever, he was the literal damn sun to you.
You walked up to him and kissed him.
And to your surprise,
He had kissed you back.
It was a glorious few precious seconds until he pulled away. His expression was terrifyingly blank as he left you there, standing in the kitchen, hating yourself for what you had done but absolutely high that you finally kissed the man you were so desperately in love with.
Later that night you’re trying to sleep. Trying hard not to think about how you had stared almost longingly at his closed door before you went to bed. You hadn’t seen him since that moment in the kitchen.
You hear some rustling in the living room and think you should apologize. But, before you can even sit up, the front door closes and soon after you hear the engine of Ethan’s car turn over. The light of the headlights shine through your bedroom window before fading into nothing.
He’s gone.
He’s left you.
You scared him away.
You knew kissing him was a bad idea.
A few days later you had been thinking about going to a bar, drinking away every last memory of him. How could you be so stupid? You’ve ruined everything! He’s gone and you haven’t heard from him. He hates you. Despises you. Feels betrayed. Loathes you. Wishes you had never met.
Then your phone rang.
It was Ethan.
You did your best to act as if everything was perfectly fine. Like nothing had happened, “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s uh, it’s Ethan.” You thought you’d die before you ever heard his voice again.
“Oh hey. You alright? You just disappeared the other night,” The calmness in your voice scares you. But at least it’s convincing.
“Yeah, no, I’m… I’m good. I’m good,” But he wasn’t convincing.
Ethan paused.
Then, “It’s Mia,”
And everything had hit you like a train. Of course. How the hell could you have forgotten about Mia? You thought he had. Hoped he had. Not forgot, just… moved on. But of course he was still hanging onto that hope that she was alive.
“She’s not dead, she’s alive,” You could hear the smile in his voice. You could cry just imagining his beautiful face, “She, she’s back.”
“They found her? How? What happened?” You’ve pushed everything to the side. You're not the one in love with him, you’re the same man he had found a friend in so long ago, his best friend, and he still trusted you enough to call you. You had to be that for him.
“I don’t know, I-I don’t know how, but she’s back. S-she’s back somehow. Maybe it’s a prank,” He was a man on a mission, the determination was there, “She wants me to come and get her!” The happiness in his voice… hopefulness…
“Where is she?”
“Dulvey. Dulvey, Louisiana.”
That was the last you heard of him for a while.
And when you had looked it up? Your heart sank. You wished you hadn’t.
Some stupid gas leak with fatalities that Ethan and Mia Winters had been “near” but it wasn’t known where they were now. He wasn’t stupid. Ethan had found her, she was most likely caught up in something. Or he had saved her from somewhere and they had run off together. They were either dead or living a beautiful life together.
You want to believe Ethan is dead. It’s a bit easier than knowing he’s moved on from you. You don’t matter to him. You never mattered to him the way he did to you. He loved his wife and had never stopped loving her. You were just his friend. Things could have stayed that way until you messed them up. Left that awkward air between you two.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
It’s time to move on too.