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It was the second time that Happy watched Natsu make a grave.
The second time wasn’t any easier. All those years ago, staring down Lisanna’s name on that stone, he thought that he would never feel any worse. It had been the first time Happy experienced the devastation of loss.
Then, he fervently wished that it would never happen again, but… Happy was older now. He was six years old and he knew that death happened, as sad as it was. (And it was so much, much sadder when it actually happened; there was a huge difference between knowing about it and experiencing, and that difference wrecked him.)
So, after the first time… It was supposed to be easier, right? Because he knew how it felt? No less sad, of course, but…
But there was a pit in his stomach and a lump in throat, and Happy was just a kit again, helpless and hurting without a way out.
Happy hated that he couldn’t do anything to help Natsu and the pain he was feeling. He hated watching Natsu carve a grave into stone with shaking hands, stopping sometimes because he was sobbing too hard. He hated it, but Happy couldn’t move. The pit in his stomach was too deep. He would open his mouth, and it only made tears come to his eyes.
He managed to inch closer, but that was as far as he got. Happy felt like he should do something, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure.
Happy had never met Igneel.
He had never met him, but Happy still felt like he lost him. Just like Natsu. Except, that wasn’t true. Natsu was the one who knew him, and it was stupid for Happy to be upset too. Not only was it the second time, but unlike with Lisanna, Happy was less involved. He should be strong for Natsu, this time, like how Natsu was always there for Happy. So why was Happy so sad?
No. Happy knew why. It was probably selfish, but he knew why.
Natsu was family. He had been with Happy all of his life, and even though Happy was a cat, Natsu was like his big brother. And if Igneel was Natsu’s dad, then…
Igneel could have been Happy’s dad too.
He looked forward to the day when that would— could —have happened. Happy loved to listen to Natsu’s stories about the fire dragon, and he would imagine the day when they finally found Igneel and Happy got to join their family, once and for all.
He remembered voicing those dreams to Natsu, on a mountain not unlike the one they were on now. Dreams were one thing, but even Happy could have doubts.
“Igneel will love you,” Natsu had assured with total confidence. “Of course we’ll stay together. And we’ll be together until we find him, too!”
The promise was so simple, then. So easy to believe. Happy never realized that the universe itself could take away Natsu’s confidence like that. It was awful, and Happy couldn’t decide whether it was better to be mad about it, or sad.
He mostly felt sad. So very deeply sad. (He hated it so much.)
Happy tried to look away from Natsu’s work—although Natsu himself was doing more staring than working, at this point—but the view from the mountain summit didn’t make Happy feel any better. As he watched the way the rising sun made the rocks look all glowy, he realized that they probably had been on this mountain before.
Natsu and Happy had hiked many mountains over the years, looking for Igneel. Sometimes there would be some rumor that made it sound more likely for a dragon to be there, and sometimes, they just checked places that Natsu said Igneel would like. Sunny mountain tops that weren’t too cold were one one of those places.
Happy knew that was why Natsu was making the grave here. Even though they never found Igneel (not really), it was a place that Igneel apparently would have liked.
He tried to imagine the big red dragon sitting on the sunning rocks, now that Happy finally had a real image of Igneel in his mind…but that image was quickly ruined by the memory of the way Igneel looked at the end, all torn and bloody and dead.
Happy wrung his tail between his paws, trying to ignore the nausea building up in his belly. He didn’t want to have to remember that, anymore.
(He finally saw Igneel, and it was just in time to see another dragon rip him open. He didn’t even get to talk to him, before… before… )
A clatter brought Happy’s attention back to Natsu. The chisel he had been using dropped, rolling around on the stony ground as Natsu wrapped himself into a shaky ball. Happy could see now that, after struggling through just the framing of the inscription, Natsu lost it halfway through Igneel’s name.
Finally, Happy found the strength to walk closer to him, equally pulled by the need to comfort his brother, and his own need for comfort. He picked up the chisel, but he didn’t do anything with it yet. Happy, despite moving, couldn’t find any words, still.
So Happy didn’t say anything. Really, he didn’t need to. Neither of them did. After a beat, Natsu managed to unwrap himself long enough to pull Happy in. He hugged Natsu tightly, his claws curling into his jacket. Suddenly, Happy worried that if he didn’t hold onto Natsu, then he would be gone too.
The silence caused his brain to wander back to bloody images and broken dreams, and the comfort of Natsu’s warm and solid body wasn’t enough to keep Happy from crying too.
(After all, it was always family that Happy lost, and he wasn’t sure if Lisanna would die again after she was dead for so long; that also left Natsu as the next one to go, and Happy really, really didn’t think he couldn’t handle that at all.)
Happy held onto Natsu all the more. At least, right now, they still had each other. They were together.
And together, they mourned a family that never came to be.