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“And it’s basically a primitive Logic Gate- but it’s also a story written by humans. I know that’s not really your thing, but I think you’d like it. It’s got lovely digital illustrations, and a story with references to ancient human culture. Plus its own spin on the Zodiac system. There’s something in there for everyone.”
Orikan’s taciturn expression was unwavering, as usual. “And what did you say this was called?”
“Homestuck.”
“I’m still not going to read it.” The Diviner tapped his finger on the table 3 times, followed by a pause, then five, then seven. “What were we talking about again?” Why did he have that weird habit? Was it a weird tic he developed as a Necrontyr? Maybe his last semblance of rhythm? Right. Music. They were talking about music. Or well, Trazyn was talking about music.
“So back to prog rock. I know we can’t hear music. But the lyrics are really good, they’re listed on the insert.”
“You know- I was supposed to be asleep for another 40,000 years. I could be in my bed, peacefully asleep right now.”
“Orikan- Think of all the wacky adventures we can go on now that you’re awake. Anyways-” He pulled out a vinyl record. “I bought this while you were arguing with the guy at the Blackberry repair kiosk. 3 dollars. These last a long time. And they’re also dirt cheap- in this- the year, 2012. So Side “A” contains the song, Tarkus, which is 20 minutes long and contains the self-titled song, “Tarkus” which is a thematically grimdark song about a dystopian world where the Catholic Church becomes corrupt and a giant armadillo razes the planet clean.”
“Oh. The humans think they’re original now. Wait till they see what happens in 30,000 years.”
Trazyn took another album out of his bag“Oh. And this is Rush- 2112. It’s an equally-long rock opera about these technology priests in the year 2112 who have a theocratic government and a religion that’s like Catholicism with technological elements.”
Orikan crossed his arms, unamused. “My point still stands that humans are unoriginal, and that their life imitates art.”
“A good life to live. Did you know that a few years later, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer wrote a song about Solemnace. It’s called Karn Evil 9. Funny story, actually. I was at the-”
“Ow.” Orikan suddenly put his hand on his forehead.
“Hmm?”
“The pain sensors in my forehead are going off. I believe there’s been a disturbance in the space-time continuum.”
“At a mall?”
“Yes.”
“At a mall in Salt Lake City, Utah. In the year 2012- where no human has access to this kind of technology?”
“YES, TRAZYN!” He squawked.
Trazyn looked around. “Could it be the Mormons?” He whispered, pointing to the three blonde women behind him wearing Abercrombie and Fitch.
“Definitely not those humans”, Orikan shook his head and stood up. “Let’s go.”
“Do we have to? I still haven’t finished figuring out the mechanisms of this toy that was included with my kid’s meal.”
“Now.” He demanded. “If you’re good, I’ll take you to Hot Topic. And you’ll want to get there quick, Because in five years it’s going to become exactly the same as F.Y.E and Spencer’s.”
“Alright.” Trazyn gathered his things and followed Orikan.
The two looked around the mall, looking for anything suspicious. But of course, it was still Halloween after all. And Trazyn spent most of his time marveling at the fun, colorful displays. A beautiful cornucopia of human culture. A celebration of what humans found to be scary. Spiders and scary monsters- no doubt an old trait passed down from their ancestors developed to keep them cautious around dangerous creatures. Ghosts and skeletons- a reminder of death, but celebrated at this time of year. The people hailing from the south of the continent seemed to love the skeletons the most, many painting colorful skeletons on a day honoring their loved ones. And who could forget the dragons and unicorns? A wonderful insight into the human imagination. And- Trazyn’s train of thought was interrupted by Orikan nudging him and pointing. “Look! Over there! That strange human looks like he’s wearing clothes from the future!”
“That’s a guy dressed as Spock from Star Trek”, Trazyn murmured. “But that lady over there- She looks suspicious.” He pointed to a lone woman. “She’s a 30-something Europan woman in Utah but doesn’t have blonde hair or children?” He scratched his chin. “Plus, those clothes are way too campy for this time period.”
“That’s her, I think. Come on, let’s approach her.”
The woman turned around and looked at the two Necrons in shock and horror. “Have you two been the ones abusing time travel!?”
“We could ask you the same question”, Orikan replied. “I get a splitting headache whenever a human time travels long distances. And I don’t see anyone else who looks like they’re from the future.”
Trazyn looked puzzled. “Orikan, when exactly did humans get the power to time travel?”
“She’s an Inquisitor of the Ordos Chronos. About 40,000 years in the future, humans will start this organization to prevent people from screwing around with time. One of the better things humans will eventually do. Although in about 40,000 years when they finally arrive in the present, I predict they’ll annoy me to no end.”
“That’s correct, xeno.” She frowned. “Wait- Shouldn’t you two be wearing cloaking devices?” The Inquisitor asked. “What if the government notices you two are aliens and kidnaps you? The humans here could panic and all hell could break loose!”
“Don’t worry”, Trazyn assured. “It’s Halloween, so we’ve painted ourselves white so we look like humans dressed as skeletons.”
“Which is?”
“The humans in your time call it ‘Corvhain’”, Orikan answered.
“I see. For future references- Do they have Sanguinalia too?”
“Yes, and it’s called Christmas,'' Orikan answered. “I’m afraid humans are better at recycling ideas than their own space trash.”
She furrowed her brow. “You’re a Chronomancer, right?”
“Indeed. And you must be some kind of agent from The Imperium, circa 40-something thousand.”
“In this calendar system, presumably.” She raised an eyebrow. “But you two are Necrons. How do I know you two aren’t tricking me? I mean, very few Necrons should be awake at this point in time.”
“Ask us anything. That should clear things up”, Trazyn replied. “There has to be something in the future my companion doesn’t know.”
“Quit calling me your ‘companion’, people might think we’re gay!
Trazyn frowned. “They wouldn’t be wrong.”
“With other people! Not each other, dipshit!”
“Okay”, the Inquisitor thought of a question. “When does Cleveland sail the ocean blue?”
“1492. And your people seemed to have gotten his name mixed up with another city in Ohio”, Trazyn replied.
“Name all the Primarchs.”
“Uhhh-” Orikan mused. “Lion, Fulgrim, [Redacted]-”
“I’m sorry- who?”
“You know. [Redacted]. During some sort of Xenocide campaign he [Redacted] and then The Emperor [Redacted], and he uhh-” His mind went blank. “I’m sorry- it felt like there was some sort of psychic barrier preventing me from learning more about his deeds during the Heresy. Although it was a boring time, so I’m not too inclined to remember the full details.”
“Imperial censorship? That sounds like something they’d do. I should know. They took me from my parents, changed my name, put me in a boarding school where I was abused by religious figures, forced to speak their language, and stripped of my native culture. The Imperium is pretty shady.”
“OH MY GODS, HUMANS HAVE NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL IDEA IN THEIR LIFE, HAVE THEY?”, Orikan shrieked. “So now do you trust us?”
“I certainly don’t distrust you as much as I did before. Although I’m still cautious.”
“Jesus Christ- I’d imagine you’d be cautious about almost anything with a childhood like that. Anyways, back to the situation at hand. “What can you tell us about who’s been abusing time travel here?”
“A daemon of Chaos Undivided. Gray skin and red horns, with teeth sticking out of his mouth. We need to destroy him before he destroys the fragile fabric of space and time.”
“And we’ll help you.” Trazyn looked around. “Although I see a lot of people dressed as Homestuck trolls.”
“Homestuck WHAT-” Orikan squawked.
“I knew you weren’t listening to my tirade about Homestuck!” Trazyn shouted.
“There’s no time for squabbling, you two!” The woman shouted. “We have a daemon to find!”
As they walked around, Trazyn looked down at the shorter woman. “By the way, Organic. What is your name?”
“My name is Charlatte.”
“Charlatte, I see. You’ll blend in better with a name like that.”
“My name is Joseph Smith”, Orikan chimed in.
“I’m not letting your Mormon name be Joseph Smith. Because that’s my name. Your Mormon name is Hugh Jass.”
“No! That should be YOUR name because you’re a Hugh Jasshole!” The Diviner squawked.
“I’m changing my name to Ben Dover, because you can kiss my ass!”
“Ben! Hugh! Enough!”Charlatte shouted. “Help me find this daemon! If a daemon gets loose and the people of this time period find out it’s real, it could have disastrous effects. You’re lucky this happened on Halloween of all times!”
“But the daemon is even harder to find now”, Trazyn mused. “Now we need to think like a daemon. Where do you think he would be hiding, Charlatte?”
She scratched her chin. “I’m not sure. I’m only here because I saw him go into a wormhole that formed near Cadia where I was stationed.”
“Ah, so I see. Cadia hasn’t fallen in your time yet”, Orikan mused.
“What’s this now?”
“Let’s focus!” Trazyn piped up. Let’s split into teams. I’ll go with Charlatte. Orikan, you go alone. I can’t trust you to be alone with an organic being.``
The woman raised an eyebrow. “Huh.”
Orikan crossed his arms. “I forgot to feed the goldfish I won at the fair and it died.”
“No, you forgot to give your goldfish water, which is even dumber. Anyways, scatter in the other direction. I’ll let you know when Charlatte and I find it.”
And so, the two teams split directions. Orikan covering the south side of the mall, Trazyn and Charlatte covering the north. They went past shops, kiosks, hotdog vendors, and various other places with no leads so far. Then suddenly- Trazyn stopped at an arcade. There were primitive human machines beyond his wildest imagination. How stupid! How novel! He gestured for Charlatte to come in with him. “Can we take a break real quick?”
“But Ben! There’s a daemon on the loose!”
“We can look for him while we play arcade games. Besides, you’ve worked hard today. You deserve to have a little bit of fun.”
“I deserve it?”
“Of course you do!” He grabbed a handful of coins and placed them into her hand. “Orikan has it handled much better than we do. It’ll be fun!”
Charlatte sighed. “Fine. We can play for fifteen minutes, I guess.”
And so, Trazyn got out a sack of coins and eagerly started playing the claw machine. He was really good at it too. Finally, he could win himself some precious artifacts for his collection.
The Inquisitor put a couple coins into an arcade machine with a toy gun attached and slowly figured out the functions of it. “So, Ben. What exactly is a Necron in the first place? Are they actually alive?”
“No. I’m not alive.” Trazyn won himself prize after prize, carefully calculating each turn of the joystick. “I used to be alive. Flesh and blood, just like you. But then my kind got turned into metal robots by giant sun-gods.”
“Sun gods?” She eventually figured out how the game worked.
“I think that’s how you’d call it in your terms.”
“Did you like being alive?”
Trazyn frowned. “Yeah. I won’t say I don’t miss it. I lost my ability to perceive art and music the way your kind does.”
“I’ve never had a predilection for either”, she started shooting at the screen with her fake gun. “You sound like Orikan.”
“Orikan… Is that guy your friend?”
Trazyn had now won more than half of the stuffed animals in the claw machine. “I wouldn’t call him a friend. He’s just a guy I talk to sometimes.”
“Ah.” The two were silent for a while.
“Are you having fun, though?”
She thought about it for a moment. “Yeah. Actually, I am. This is a lot better than hanging around other Imperials and getting yelled at all day.”
“Humans can be rude.”
Suddenly, a large, beefy man approached the two. “Hey! I know you’re cheating, skeleton.”
“Well actually, I’m just really good at the game.”
“It’s rigged so you can only win 20% of the time it grips the stuffed animal.”
Trazyn blinked. “I’m sorry- it’s rigged? I thought it was broken, so I took the liberty of fixing it myself.”
“GET OUT!” The man shoved the two out of the arcade.
“Oh, well I guess it’s time to keep on searching”, Charlatte sighed. The two started walking again.
Not moments later, Trazyn passed by a strange contraption. “Hey! Look at that device!”
Charlatte stopped and gingerly took a glance at the machine. “What is this contraption? Some kind of torture device?”
“You seem to see the world through a rather harsh and barbaric lens, Charlatte. This is a souvenir penny machine- an elegant machine from a more civilized age. Observe.” He took some change out of his bag and put it into the machine.
Charlatte watched in awe and confusion as the gears started to turn and smashed the penny. “Why are you smashing that coin, Ben? Is it to change it to a higher denomination?”
“It’s because I like the shape”, Trazyn took the smashed penny out of the machine and gingerly held it up to her. “It renders the currency unusable. But that’s okay. A penny is worth practically nothing.”
She frowned. “But it’s worth even less now.”
“No, see. I think it’s worth a lot more now.”
“How come?”
“Because every time you look at this penny, you’ll be reminded of the fun time you had today”, Trazyn handed it to her.
“I can’t”, she refused to take it. “You’re a Necron, Trazyn. I’m a human! We’re enemies!”
Trazyn smirked. “And who told you we’re enemies?”
“The Imperium.”
“The same people who beat you and deprived you of life’s simple pleasures? It sounds to me like they’re the enemy. Me, on the other hand, I like humans. They may be simple creatures, sure. But they’re fun. They have culture. What was your culture?” The Necron put a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Umm- My mum was Albian. She died when I was 7 though.”
“Albian”. He frowned. I don’t recall it. Can you describe it to me?”
“Well, for breakfast, she would make me Scotch Eggs and baked beans. She said it was Albian.”
Trazyn cringed a little at the thought of a mortal eating such garbage. “It sounds to me like your mum was British. How about I take you out to the British pub across from here. It’ll be my treat.”
“Oh no, I couldn’t.”
“Come on, Orikan is much more qualified than either of us, and I’m sure you’re hungry.”
She hesitated. “Fine.”
“Excellent.” Trazyn led the way. “We can even watch a game of ‘football’ on the big television. Which is what British people call soccer.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, Orikan was on the case. He ransacked an entire Build-a-Bear, yelled at the manager of the F.Y.E, and got the mall cops called on him twice, much to his dismay. But he was still determined to get the daemon.
Suddenly, he stopped right in his tracks as he saw the little imp in the rafters. Shit. He had foolishly left his gun back in his spaceship because he assumed the people in Utah didn’t like guns. Which turned out to be very much untrue. However, the guns on this planet were essentially useless against a daemon of this caliber. Think, think. How was he going to get a daemon out from there? Suddenly, he saw the answer right in front of him- a bungee jump kiosk.
A little girl in a princess costume eagerly looked up to her mother. “Daddy! Daddy! I want to go on the bungee thingy!”
“Of course, McKaightlynn. This is your very special night. I will do whatever it takes for me to get leverage against your cheater of a mother so I can get complete custody of you in order to spite her and her new boyfriend who makes more money than me”, the dad said.
“OUT OF THE WAY, MEATBAGS! I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MISSION!” Orikan shoved the humans aside and jumped onto the trampoline, getting himself barely high enough in the air to grab onto the metal rafters. Now came the hard part- catching this little son of a bitch.
The two women at the kiosk just shook their heads. “This city really has a drug problem, doesn’t it?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally, Trazyn and Charlatte had made it to the pub. Charlatte looked around at the soccer game on the television, as well as the colorful flags on the walls. “Wow, I never realized Albians had so much culture. This food is so delicious compared to the rations I’ve been eating all my life!” She gently smiled. “Thanks for showing me this, Ben.”
“No problem, Charlatte. Even humans need to have fun. So, do you still think Necrons are so bad?”
“I guess- well…” She rolled around her leftover peas and chips with her fork. “I certainly think you’re okay.”
“Thank you. I know most Necrons don’t care much for humans. But not all of us are so brutal. In fact, many aliens like being around humans.”
“What about the Eldar?”
“No. They’re all a bunch of douchebags. Don’t even attempt to befriend one.”
“TRAZYN- TRAZYN! GET YOUR FAT, BULBOUS ASS OVER HERE! I NEED BACKUP!” Orikan squawked telepathically to Trazyn. Of course, it wasn’t real telepathy, as Necrons were immune to that. But they had their ways of making something that was functionally very similar.
Trazyn got up. “Let’s go, Charlatte. Orikan needs us.” He slapped a 20 onto the table and ran out. Charlatte chased after him.
By the time the two got to Orikan, he was running around the bottom floor of the mall, trying to get the daemon. But despite Orikan’s Chronosense, he couldn’t manage to get it. That was odd- But then suddenly, it occurred to Trazyn why that was the case. He felt a strange sort of anti-temporal field emanating from the strange creature. Something that dampened the Chronosense of a necron within a certain radius. “Charlatte- watch out”, he cautioned the woman to stand back. “This daemon has some sort of anti-temporal aura that makes it nearly impossible for us to use our certain powers within I’d say… 100 feet.”
Miraculously, the crowd around them really didn’t seem to react. Sure, there was the occasional stare. But there was neither chaos nor panic. That’s when Trazyn realized that because this was Halloween, people just figured Orikan was a guy in a skeleton costume angrily chasing his young son who was a Homestuck cosplayer. That was until, the daemon accidentally switched on a fire alarm with its tail, causing the crowd to panic. People started screaming and running, like a stampede of buffaloes. At this rate, the daemon would be able to escape amidst the confusion, wreaking havoc on the simple folk of this planet who weren’t currently able to deal with such a creature.
Suddenly, amidst the confusion, Trazyn could hear the song on the radio change.
"When I was in the third grade I thought I was gay"
As he felt the presence of the creature’s aura fade as it ran, He could feel the gears in his mind turning. What would come out? Trying to relax, he adjusted his Chronosense in order to slow his perception of time. What did he need to do? "When I was in the third grade I-"
"You failed Algebra class twice. I know. I was there, laughing at you the whole time." Orikan walked up to his rival, their faces dangerously close together as the cyclopian Necron sized him up, placing a hand on the other’s chin. "And I will always be by your side, Trazyn. Taunting you everywhere you go."
Both of them had now rapidly slowed down their perception of time. Everything around them seemed to go by so slowly.
"My mind might be fuzzy right now because of the time travel that went on. But I still know what happens next."
"Tell me, companion. What happens next?"
Without another word, both of them switched their Chronosenses back to their normal levels. Then Orikan closed the gap between the two of them. Trazyn instinctively put his arm around the small of Orikan's back and kissed him passionately. It was a vestigial reflex- one that both Necrontyr and Humans had developed from practicing premastication in their respective pre-industrial time periods. Nonetheless, it felt great. Even though the two were no longer of flesh and blood. They had something even deeper than that. The deepest kind of love two beings could share for one another- rivalry. Or as the kids in this time period called it, Kismesis.
"Ewww! That's gay!" Every human around them except for Charlatte had stopped to gawk at the two kissing skeletons, giving the Inquisitor the space to chase after the daemon.
"False alarm, guys!" Trazyn reassured. "The person in this skeleton costume is a woman. A faithful, heterosexual, Mormon woman. And she loves Pinterest, having seven beautiful children with me, and going to church for the uhh- potluck."
The crowd murmured in relief.
"And also we're swingers", Orikan added.
The humans gave them sharp, judgmental glances.
"Orikan!" Trazyn elbowed his rival. "You're not supposed to say that out loud!" Luckily, all the humans had went back to their regular activities about thirty seconds later. Much to the Necron's relief.
Moments later, Charlatte spotted the daemon at the end of the crowd. She quickly turned around and got her bolter, shooting a round at the creature.
Trazyn, in his infinite wisdom, slowed down his perception of time to check the trajectory of the bullet. He suddenly realized Charlatte’s aim was an inch off, so he grabbed Orikan’s staff and threw it right behind the bullet, creating a slight vacuum that would veer it an inch off course.
“What are you doing, you brute!” Trazyn shouted. Then suddenly, his perception of time went back to normal, and the bullet successfully went through the daemon, killing it.
Charlatte let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks for saving my ass out there, Trazyn. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Orikan frowned. “What about me!?”
“I mean”, the Infinite shrugged. “We probably could’ve done it without you.” He looked back at the woman. “Hey Charlatte. Where did this portal appear in the first place?”
The three made it upstairs to the Blackberry kiosk that Orikan was having an argument at just hours ago.
“You see, a wormhole was made when the Blackberry repair vendor accidentally put a customer’s wet phone in the microwave in an attempt to dry it off”, Charlatte explained.
“I didn’t know that would cause a tear in the space-time continuum”, the vendor cried out.
Orikan used his staff to open up the small fragment of what was left of the portal. “Well, Charlatte. You better go back home before the portal fades away. Don’t worry. We’ll kill the repair kiosk when we’re done.”
“We’ll erase his memory”, Trazyn groaned. He looked back to Charlatte and gently smiled. “Hey, Charlatte. Do you still want this?” He handed the pressed penny back to her.
She took it from his hands and placed it in her pocket. “Yeah…” She smiled back at him. “Will I ever see you again?”
“I’ll try to remember to see you during your lifetime.”
“And I’ll try to remember the fun we had together!” She stepped in the portal.
"Thank you for everything, Charlatte!" Trazyn waved goodbye as the woman entered the portal back to her original time.
Suddenly, Orikan realized that Trazyn was both distracted, and on the second story of a mall near the ledge. The Diviner waved goodbye. "Have a nice trip!" As he did so, he shoved Trazyn, causing him to fall down the ledge of the second story with a loud "SNAP"
"OH MY GOD! YOU BROKE MY SPINE! YOU ASSHOLE! WHY ORIKAN!? WHYYYYY OH GODDDDDDDD!"
Finally, everything was right in the world.
Epilogue:
“TRAZYN, YOU STUPID SLUT!” Orikan angrily stormed into Trazyn’s office.
“What is it this time?”, he groaned.
“Your stupid little friendship with that time traveller girl 40,000 years ago caused a butterfly effect that led to the Fall of Cadia happening 3 days later than I predicted!”
“What?”
“Yeah! The seeds of distrust towards The Imperium you planted in her caused her to defect to Abaddon’s army and help lead a stronger crusade against one of the Imperium’s strongholds! Her knowledge of time travel prevented me from sabotaging her efforts in order to fix the timeline!”
Trazyn frowned and crossed his arms. “Oh, so you’re the victim here? I lost so much during Cadia’s fall! A small chunk of my collection, Orikan! Count your blessings!”
The two then proceeded to start beating the shit out of one another, once again. And thus, the day had been saved with the power of friendship.