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It was a quiet night in Sherwood, Ohio, when three high school girls all named Heather packed their slim purses into Heather’s Sahara jeep and ran four red lights on their journey to Walgreens. The only time the brakes got much use was when they pulled into the nearest parking space to the store, which happened to be a handicap spot.
“Shouldn’t we park somewhere else, Heather?” asked Heather, biting her lip.
“It’s fine, Heather, no one uses these anyway,” replied Heather.
However, Heather was still worried, worriedly twirling her hair. “But what if someone really needs this space and—”
“Shut up, Heather!” Heather yelled from the opposite side of the car. She walked up to the sidewalk and the others followed her without even needing a signal to.
The glass doors slid open as the three of them approached, awaiting their entry. They looked up at the camera screen to see grainy images of their gorgeous selves from a taller perspective, Heather stopping to make sure the top of her hair was in its best possible shape as the other two continued walking before Heather noticed Heather wasn’t in lockstep with them. She turned back to her.
“Heather, what are you doing?”
“Nothing!” Heather snapped into place and rushed up to them, smiling.
Heather sighed in frustration. “Does ‘nothing’ have something to do with wasting my time? You know we have to get back to the party before Kurt finishes off the nachos.”
The third Heather, who had been looking at some of the tiny stuffed animals nearby, stepped into the conversation caressing a puppy plushie. “You really shouldn’t worry about food so much, Heather.”
“You’re one to talk.” Heather marched away from the other two and took role as leader once more as they scrambled to follow her, the other Heather leaving her plush on its shelf.
The Heathers headed over to the pharmacy section. Heather wandered around, distracted by the familiar names and brands, as Heather went straight to a specific item. The other Heather felt lost. Normally her parents went to Walgreens without her.
“Did you find the ibuprofen, Heather?” Heather called out, meandering over.
“What’s ibuprofen?” asked Heather.
The annoyed Heather gave the dumb Heather a confounded look, then mocked her and shoved the box into her hands. “Lit-tle pill, make per-i-od pain go bye-bye.” Her fake smile dissolved as quickly as it came as she brushed past Heather. Once again, the remaining Heathers hurried after her.
“When we get back, I’ll have to take one of these,” Heather said, “so one of you will have to check in on Kurt and Ram.”
“I’ll do it!” Heather volunteered.
When it became clear Heather was leading them to check-out, the Heather trailing behind had something to say. “Can we get some chips?”
Heather stopped in her tracks. “Oh? What was that about not worrying about food so much, Heather?”
“I was just looking out for your figure, Heather!”
Heather gasped incredulously. “How dare you!”
The Heather standing in between them stepped back as she watched the two of them get into yet another argument, this time at a nearly empty Walgreens at one in the morning. She was tempted to buy a bag of chips right then and there just to have something to munch on as this rivetting high school soap opera unfolded before her, but refrained, solely because she left her dad’s credit card in the backseat.
“That is it!” cried Heather. “I’m not driving you home!”
Heather was near tears. “But it’s my car!”
“And who has the keys, Heather? Who has the fucking keys?” Heather dangled the car keys in front of Heather’s face to prove a point, then yanked them away as Heather tried to take hold of them.
“Heather, you really need to calm down…” the third Heather said, probably to herself. As funny as this was, the idea of leaving one of her closest friends at a Walgreens this late on a Saturday night didn’t sit right with her, just like those nachos with sour cream she had earlier at the party.
Heather pulled her hair back only to let it fall loose over her shoulders again. “Come on, Heather, let’s buy this and get out of here. She obviously doesn’t need these.” Heather shook the keys one more time before securing them in her purse and turning to keep walking towards check-out.
Heather had a difficult choice to make: Heather, or Heather? Heather had friendship and loyalty, but Heather, on the other hand, had car keys and direct access to nacho cheese. Heather looked between Heather and Heather, feeling her heart swell with anxiety. What would Heather think if she chose Heather? But what about Heather? It was hard not to take Heather’s feelings into consideration, even though it was easy to assume Heather wouldn’t be as affected. Still, Heather imagined all the ways Heather might react if she went with Heather instead, which tightened her chest even further. Ultimately, though, after several long seconds of considering her options, she decided to go with Heather. It was the obvious choice.
Heather followed Heather to the check-out, leaving Heather behind to cry.
Heather paid and the two of them walked to Heather’s jeep, this time Heather sitting in the front passenger seat instead of the back. She sighed looking out the window.
“What’s wrong, Heather?” Heather asked absentmindedly as she started the car.
“Nothing, just thinking about Heather,” Heather replied just as absentmindedly.
Heather absentmindedly backed out of the handicap space only to be stopped by a traffic officer. Her badge? It said Heather.
“Ugh, not one of those ticket-crazy cops.” Heather groaned and rolled down the window. “Yyyyyeah?”
“Can I see your up-to-date disability parking permit?” Heather asked.
Heather yawned. “My what?”
“Your disability documentation to park here,” Heather replied sternly, “if you have one.”
“Oh, no, I left that inside.” Heather pointed the index finger on her hand still on the steering wheel to the brightly-lit Walgreens. “Could I go get it real quick?”
Heather sighed and adjusted her badge, then said, tiredly, “Sure, go ahead.”
Heather stepped out of the vehicle and walked back through the automatic doors, leaving Heather and Heather alone to awkwardly avoid each other’s potential line of sight for five minutes.
Five minutes turned to ten.
Ten to twenty.
“Where is that girl?” Heather interjected, interrupting Heather’s nacho fantasy.
The Heather sitting in the passenger seat unbuckled her seatbelt and unlocked the door. “I’ll go get her, one sec!” She ran up so fast she almost smacked her head into the glass doors like a bird into a window.
She fastwalked down aisle after aisle, lost and confused. Where were they? Did they get into a fight? Were they hurt? Individual thoughts started to exist in her head at a faster rate than usual, which isn’t saying much on its own but relative to her usual speeds is impressive and indicative of her panicked state.
Finally, a thought bounced off the corner of the screen. The bathrooms! Of course! Heather was on her period after all, she might have had some trouble with that. Heather began looking for a restroom.
Not having been in a Walgreens since she was a little girl, Heather had forgotten just how big the insides of them were. She drifted from section to section for several minutes before finally seeing the toilet sign and sprinting over to it. She herself was starting to feel dizzy with a headache brewing. Maybe she would need some ibuprofen when they got back to the party, too…
Putting that thought aside, Heather opened the door to the women’s restroom and screamed in horror at what she saw.
In that short period of time, Heather and Heather did have become the gay.