Work Text:
travelling to south korea shouldn’t be as nerve-racking as it is for mark, but the reality is that there’s no other way to feel about going back to the place you called home for over 10 years of your life. this unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach reminds him of the pre-show jitters he would get back when being an idol was all he knew and he had to hype himself up before going on stage. its a mix of nervousness and excitement, something he hasn’t felt in over a year since he decided to retire from showing his face to the public. he’s looking forward to being back, especially because of the reason he’s back. who wouldn’t be excited about one of their best friend getting married and the prospect of seeing familiar faces again after years of being away?
it’s a bit like graduating high school and going to a reunion a decade later to meet the people you barely interacted with from the start or people you’ve lost contact with, although hard when you consider how we’re in a digital age. mark does not know what high school reunions are like because that’s not what sopa does and that’s the only education he has. social media allows him to follow everyone’s lives from a distance and send congratulatory messages whenever a new opportunity presents itself or a new milestone is achieved by the people he was friends with for almost half his life. the distance given by social media means he’ll even go as far as messaging people he shortly worked with in passing or simply considered colleagues.
of course, it’s not that way with most nct members. being in a group such as nct is almost like being in high school, graduating and then moving on to work for the same corporation for 40 years before retiring. you grow up and share struggles with the same people you’ve been surrounded by for what is basically all your life up to that point. it allows for a kind of growth different from what he would have experienced if he had stayed in canada instead of moving across the world to become a global superstar. the hardships were worth the blood, sweat and tears he poured into his career and he would do it all over if it meant getting to experience everything again, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.
life after nct isn’t bad right away, but things start to pile up one after the other. it starts when taeil and taeyong enlist in the military and sm decides it’s time to put 127 on the backburner and milk the fuck out of nct dream. it leaves other members uncertain of where they stand in the company because all they can do is wait for everyone to be done with their service and there are years between taeil and haechan.
that means older members like yuta and johnny find themselves basically jobless for a while until yuta is the first to leave. despite talks and rumors of sm debuting a japanese unit, the plan never goes ahead and there’s no reason for yuta to stay in south korea when all his career opportunities are back in his home country. the day yuta goes back to japan, the fans are waiting for him at the airport to send him home and wish him luck. everything goes well because of course it does, yuta is a hard worker and he knows to take an opportunity when it presents itself, since sm never did it for him. within weeks of being back home, yuta announces his casting in two different dramas as well as his signature with a japanese record label and he promises more interesting things to come.
johnny is offered a position in the fabled nct j unit fans have been asking about for years but at his age, johnny’s life goal already has shifted from wanting to be an idol and entertainer to wanting to be a father. and being in sm is basically incompatible with being a parent because everyone knows how well they deal with things like personal life, so he ends up not resigning his contract when it expires. he’s still heavily featured on other members' instagram and shows his support through his own social media, but he becomes quite private as well, not sharing anything that has to do with his new life as a retired kpop idol.
during downtime between dream comebacks, mark is allowed to finally properly start experimenting with solo producing and writing like he’s always wanted to. sm share their plan to let him make his own mini-album, but they also ask him to team up with jeno, jaemin and jisung to help them with their unit j song the company has approved. that’s when things start to go haywire.
mark works himself to the bone to meet everyone’s expectations and try to reach his own goals, but all he manages to get out of it is exhaustion. professional burnout, one of the therapists employed by sm tells him when he’s forced to meet with them after not showing up to any of his scheduled studio time for 6 days straight. mark isn’t stupid, he knows what it means to be tired, he’s been tired since before he debuted and has never quite been able to catch up to the feeling. years of built-up stress and frustration have finally caught up to him.
sm halt all of his current projects and announce his hiatus for health reasons. no harm done really, the fans weren’t even aware of what mark was working on, so nobody can feel disappointed that all his efforts will never come to fruition.
he can deal with personal failure, and has been doing so for years whenever he doesn’t meet his own secret goals, but the worst part of it is letting down his own members who had been looking forward to working together as producers for the first time. apparently, sm doesn’t believe that jeno, jaemin and jisung are good enough without his help and they scrap the whole self-produced project and decide to go with a song made by someone else. it’s a good song, but it’s hard for the members to hide their disappointment when they speak of what could have been, yet they assure mark that it’s not his fault - and it really isn’t - but mark pushes through and forces himself to go back to work before he’s back to even 75% of his own ability.
sm takes this at face value, because why would they contradict an employee who seems eager to go back to work? mere weeks after the j unit is done promoting, sm throws nct dream into another cycle of album preparations for a comeback with 7 members. it doesn’t take long for problems to start coming up one after the other. during one recording, renjun keeps coughing despite the water he's continuously chugging. it gets to the point where the producer lets him go without finishing recording his parts because they’re not getting anything done. renjun goes home, drinks tea with honey and lemon and doesn’t speak for almost 24 hours. he goes back to the studio to pick up where he’s left off, only to find out he can barely speak above a whisper and the strain of it is actually painful. as a trained singer, he knows this isn’t a good thing and he sees the doctor the same day, only for his fear to be confirmed: vocal nodules. they’re not big enough to warrant surgery, but he has to see a speech-language pathologist and learn how to work around the new constraint. just his luck that the voice he uses to get paid is now basically out of commission for weeks.
the comeback plans go on and nct dream keeps working as a unit of 6 instead of 7. it wouldn’t be the first time they do so, but it ends up being their last, although they’re unaware of it at that moment. the downhill slope the group has been riding gets even steeper when jisung hurts his knee again during dance practice. he hides it for a while, but the pain eventually becomes unbearable and he confides in mark when they go out for dinner one day. the next day, mark is speaking to the choreographer and they modify the dance with jisung’s help to accommodate his injury. but life isn’t done messing with the dreamies.
they’re in the middle of promotions when jaemin starts complaining that his back hurts and as much as the younger wants to just push it to the back of his head, there’s no way he can physically ignore the pain he’s in. it shows on his face whenever he has to bend down during the dance and soon he’s also wincing in pain when he tries to participate in simple games on shows. it only takes 3 seconds for mark to drag him to the hospital himself and he’s there with him when the diagnostic drops. jaemin doesn’t cry because he’s known this was a possibility since he was first told about his back injury in 2016. he’s asked to come back the next week for further tests and to discuss where to go from there. that’s when he’s told that he has to stop dancing or he risks permanent nerve damage, even if he goes through surgery and physical therapy. the risk of the injury reoccurring and getting worse each time only increases with his line of work. and nct dream is not a ballad group so jaemin has no choice but to quit and consider a career change.
with renjun, jisung and jaemin out of commission, nct dream is put on hiatus for an unknown time period. the latter is lucky that he’s already dabbled into acting before and sm gets him an acting gig the moment they announce his withdrawal from nct.
and then jeno disappears for 7 months, only updating seldomly to make sure nobody calls the police and reports him as a missing person. when he shows back up, he’s married and has a 6 month-old daughter. turns out he had been dating a non-celebrity for 3 years and had decided to elope. talk about feeling in a silly mood. everyone in nct congratulates him, because getting married and having a kid are definitely things to be congratulated about, but sm doesn’t take kindly to this sort of thing and quickly announces jeno’s hiatus to the fans without an explanation. already suspicious because of the half-year of radio silence on jeno’s side, fans express their disappointment in sm for hiding him for whatever reason. jeno takes it upon himself to tell the world about his marriage and child, announcing his decision to leave sm entertainment to focus on his family and thanking the fans for their unconditional support over the years.
it feels like everything happens in the span of months and by 2024, nct is over and the industry moves on to something bigger and better.
the company offers mark a full-time in-house producer and writer position, and even tries to entice him with the promise of letting him release the solo album he had been working on years ago, but it’s not enough to get him to stay put. he terminates his exclusive contract with sm and moves back to canada to be with family and explore new career opportunities.
he goes back to canada, but decides to move to montreal instead of going back to vancouver or even toronto. something about the pretend anonymity. it does him good to move away from the place where he watched everything build up and crumble in front of his eyes. with a fresh mind, body and soul, mark goes on to start producing music for himself for the first time in years. he finally is free from the stylistic constraints and schedules sm had always put on his ability and he doesn’t have to force anything, letting inspiration come to him whenever. the only downside is that he has to learn how to be a functioning adult by himself. there's no one to cook food for him or clean like back when he was living in a dorm. he has to build himself a new social circle and connections, which proves to be quite a task when all the socializing he's ever done has been imposed by his social status and he speaks absolutely nothing of the language most people communicate in. he finds comfort in his neighbors, two university students who allow him to live the whole higher education experience through them, and their cats, gribouille and sloche. oh, and he's also learning french because he likes a challenge (he sucks at it according to ellie, amy tells him he's doing great).
the news about jaemin drops on new years day only a couple of months after mark goes back to his home country. after years of dispatch threatening to out a gay couple every new year, the headlines finally reveal the career-ending news and it just so happen to be jaemin whose life they’ve set out to ruin.
‘ former nct member na jaemin spotted kissing unknown man outside of apartment building [dispatch exclusive]’
and the article details the coming and going - with pictures - of what is unmistakably jaemin and his most likely boyfriend, with the two kissing used as the lead for the article. its absolutely despicable of them to so blatantly disregard people’s lives and the consequences such news can have on them in a country as conservative as south korea, but anything for clicks when it comes to such a topic. it doesn’t take long for the internet to identify the man jaemin was with and immediately start harassing him. by the time the news reaches mark, who lives 13 hours behind, jaemin has already deleted his social media accounts and texted everyone who would care enough to hear him out a simple line.
i’m sorry
that’s the last mark has heard from jaemin. he’s texted him countless time, showing his support and begging him to please reply just so he could make sure the younger was still alive, but his message only stared back at him and were left unread. eventually, his messages weren’t delivered at all, hinting at jaemin’s decision to change phone number. the lack of response hurts, because mark has always considered all the nct dream members as siblings since they’ve been through so much together starting from their trainee days. something like sexual orientation doesn’t take away from all the things they’ve lived through. it makes him wonder if it’s because he’s never shown support for the lgbt community and jaemin didn’t think he would support him, whatever he identified as. maybe he thinks that because of his upbringing, mark is unqualified to understand him. but mark’s faith has nothing to do with it as it seems like jaemin has cut contact with everyone he used to know. if jaemin had allowed anyone in, mark would have been able to show his support. he's allowed himself to watch and learn and experience new things when he moved away, even letting his neighbors drag him to the pride parade in august. he finds himself looking at everyone celebrating with absolute wonder at how easy it is for some of them to express their identity. mark longs to be part of something like this. his previous lifestyle didn't allow him to even think about dating anyone, regardless of gender, and he had never questioned his attraction to men before because he grew up surrounded by good looking people. a handsome face is a handsome face, straight or not. and he can go back to trainee days and still find nothing that could have clued him in on his sexual orientation. except when it comes to jaemin. because jaemin is well… jaemin.
he doesn't even realize the gravity of the whole situation until the day before he's set to leave for his trip to korea and jaehyun's wedding. that's when he has a nicely timed, not at all expected, nervous breakdown over the fact that he's not straight and he's going to have to face the people he's grown up with and tell them - or at least some of them - about how he's been. ellie and amy let him in for a couple of cuddles with the cats before kicking him out so he could catch the plane where he’ll spend the next 24 hours or something.
coming to terms with your own sexuality and attraction isn’t a one-and-done deal, at least not for mark, and that’s scary in itself. it feels like he has to peel away at his personality and all his history to try to pinpoint what happened to make him different from the model his parents and family friends presented him with. when did he stray away from the example he was shown during childhood? why did he never notice? does he need a label to feel comfortable with who he is or can he just live as he wants? is it just jaemin? in the end, mark comes to the conclusion that he has always been like this and this is just who he is. he doesn’t feel like anything has changed now that he knows he feels something for jaemin, so it means he’s still the mark lee he grew up to be and he’s always had the ability to be interested in boys, he just never realized it.
settling down in his designated seat on the plane doesn’t mean he gets a break from all these questions because once he’s asleep, he dreams of jaemin. he dreams of him from the day they met to the last time they got to hang out together. if he was awake, mark would be analyzing every single interaction they’ve ever had to try and find at which point the younger went from being a friend and colleague to basically being his gay awakening and dream man. but in his dream it all plays like the movie of their life where the two main characters are allowed to love each other and be happy. permission. is that what jaemin has been looking for? mark was fortunate enough to be introduced to this part of himself he didn’t know existed in a supportive environment and he can’t help but wonder about jaemin. his family, his friends outside of his job, his partner. how are people supposed to react to something so trivial when the entire country makes it out to be a sin. before he even realizes, mark has spent the entire flight worrying over jaemin and his wellbeing.
the air in the airport is dry when he finally walks through the arrival gate of incheon airport. he claims his luggage in less time than it used to take back when fans would be waiting for them and he takes off to the main entrance where donghyuck is waiting for him. he finds himself wishing that there was something to distract him from the inevitable moment where he’ll have to face some of the people he’s considered his best friends for years. the only thing separating him from who he is and who he used to be is, well, himself. he can either let himself go and live as he has for the past months or put on a mask and pretend. he doesn’t even know what pretending means. the media he’s consumed and the way society is make him feel like he has to be someone he’s not, but in reality, nothing has changed. he’s mark lee for fuck sake. if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s unapologetically being himself.
his inner monologue lasts the entire way from the arrival gate to the parking lot and he’s standing in front of donghyuck for the first time in almost a year. he’s not seeing him within the confine of his phone screen or quick text and the urge to find comfort in the arms of someone he knows is all he can think of.
“wow, mark lee is hugging me! i love this vacation already,” donghyuck circles his arms around mark’s waist and the oldest finds himself burying his face in his friend’s neck. the embrace is warm and familiar and mark relishes in the physical contact like a starved man who has been living on a deserted island for a decade.
donghyuck’s posture has gotten better over the almost year they’ve been apart (no doubt a work of renjun) and he smells like jasmine and orange (yet another trace of renjun on him). it almost feels like renjun is also with them right now, and mark wonders what is waiting for him once they reach donghyuck’s apartment. he offered to let mark stay over for the week instead of leaving him to pay for a hotel room and mark is a curious man. he knows renjun lives on the same floor as donghyuck, but he didn’t think they spent so much time together. then again, there’s nothing wrong with it. it’s just that there isn’t much donghyuck and mark don’t tell each other, or at least there used to not be many secrets between them. if donghyuck doesn’t want to speak about what he has with renjun, mark can respect that.
the fact is, there’s not that many buildings where there’s good security and privacy so many of the nct members live either in the same apartment complex or within a 15 minutes drive of each other. that’s where jaemin used to live to, but mark was told by donghyuck and jisung that he had moved out a couple of weeks before his scandal had broken the internet. to move in with his partner, maybe? and if that’s the case, how long had they even been dating in the first place? how long was jaemin planning on hiding it from them? did he not trust them?
“you’ll get wrinkles if you keep thinking so hard,” donhyuck’s hand comes in his field of vision to give a poke at his forehead, “nevermind, you already have them. you should ask renjunnie for one of his snail cream or whatever he uses.”
donghyuck brings renjun up on his own. perfect time to ask about it.
“so… you and renjun?”
donghyuck takes his eyes off the road to give him a quick glance with a raised eyebrow, “go on.”
in the end, mark stays silent. this is something he wouldn’t want to be asked about, and if renjun and donghyuck want to talk about it, they’ll tell him eventually. maybe he even jumped to conclusion, it’s highly likely that there’s absolutely nothing going on between the two and mark is looking way too deep into the whole situation. maybe even projecting a bit.
the drive is almost two hours spent in silence because mark is too afraid of blurting out everything that has happened in his life since he left south korea and he’s not sure that this is the best setting to have this conversation with his best friend. he’s sure that donghyuck will listen to him and understand, but this is about his life and how he wants to live it from now on. maybe coming out to his best friend on the way his place isn’t exactly the moment.
time passes quicker than he wishes it did and they’re pulling in the private parking garage before he knows it. he unloads the trunk himself and they make their way to the elevator. when donghyuck presses the button for the 14th floor, mark imagines the elevator stopping halfway to their destination, like in one of those romantic movie. he chastises himself for even thinking of such a scenario because literally what the fuck. he realizes he’s bi and suddenly he starts making up stories about his friends? what does that even mean.
finally the doors of the elevator open and they walk out to stop in front of the door at the very end of the hallway. donghyuck punches the code in and mark smiles while looking over his shoulder. 082516. how cute that he picked that date out of all the debut dates he could have chosen: 127, dream, his solo. seems like donghyuck has a soft spot for nct dream despite how they met their end.
the inside of donghyuck’s apartment is tidy, which is surprising considering the fact that the boy himself isn’t the most attentive to his environment. he’s not a slob by any means, but he’s also not exactly someone who will wash plates and utensils as he uses them or vacuums every weekend. he’s also someone who is attached to physical objects because he gives them special meanings, usually hanging on to little trinkets won at the arcade or freebies he gets from ordering online. so it’s a bit jarring to walk inside his apartment to find it completely devoid of any clutter and so clean. the entire living area is open and mark finds this style of architecture too empty, but donghyuck has filled it well with actual decorations. the walls are proudly showcasing art and when mark squints he can recognize some of the signature on some of the pieces: renjun, yuta, ten. there’s 2 built-in bookcases on each side of the flat screen tv. one of them is filled with things related to nct: albums, different versions of their lightstick, photobooks and pictures. the other bookcase contains books on various subjects, mostly about astrology and psychology, but there are other subjects mark never knew donghyuck had any interest in. it feels weird because they used to share common interests and now, after looking at how donghyuck has built a life without him, it’s as if he’s meeting someone new. someone who has an entire personality that doesn’t involve him.
donghyuck steers him towards the end of the hallway, pointing at the different closed doors to indicate what hides behind them. the room donghyuck leads him to is clean, cleaner than the rest of the apartment and it makes sense. his friend lives in a 2 bedrooms apartment alone, obviously one of the room would be clean and untouched. mark needs to tell that little gay part of his brain to stop making up scenarios of potential interactions between two of his friends.
“renjun and jisung are coming over later,” donghyuck tells him, dropping his bags to the floor, “if you want to nap and take a shower. they’ll be here a bit after 7, but they don’t know you’ve already arrived.”
mark just nods and hopes his best friend can’t see right through him. the truth is that he’s nervous to see the people he grew up with in small social settings. he was counting on seeing everyone again at the wedding, where there isn’t much space for anything other than happiness and pride in seeing a friend get married.
he takes a shower, but ends up laying in the unfamiliar bed and sleep never comes to him despite not really getting any proper rest while he was on the plane. jaehyun didn’t invite any press to the wedding, but he knows that some pictures will still end up all over the internet, excluding the ones that they will be taking themselves and sharing on their own accounts. he wonders if they’ll feel awkward or if they’ll simply fall back into old habits and how they were before everything went to shit. he knows jaemin has been invited, but the chances of him showing at an event that will end up being publicized one way or another are really slim. the ceremony is in three days and he just hopes that whatever happens, jaehyun’s day goes perfectly.
later that evening, the door of the apartment is opened by none other than jisung. renjun follows behind with bags of takeout in his hands. the two newcomers immediately spot him on the couch and renjun almost drops the bag in his haste to get to mark. fortunately, jisung isn’t in such a hurry and knows his turn will come, so he grabs the food from renjun’s hands to free him. renjun has never been the biggest fan of skinship when they were still a group and mark had always found himself gravitating around the younger instead of the opposite. but maybe distance and time truly change people because mark soon finds himself with an armfull of renjun and a mouthful of hair. it’s new and different, but mark doesn’t shy away from his touch.
physically, renjun hasn’t changed in the year he was away. he still fits the same in his arms and has the same smell, but there’s something different about his entire aura. there’s this overall sense of tranquility and it reminds mark of the home he built for himself back in canada. when renjun lets go of him, mark finally gets to take a good look at jisung.
just like the other boy, jisung hasn’t really changed physically since he’s way pass the point where he would gain an inch every year. however, he seems to hold himself with more confidence than he used to in the past. whereas he used to try to make himself appear smaller to not attract too much attention, he now walks with his head held high and shoulders rolled back. it makes him seem broader and taller than he ever did back when they promoted as a group. mark guesses this might be due to his current position as a dance teacher in the company. he has to make trainees and idols alike see him as a figure of authority, which jisung never liked in the first place. on the other hand, renjun has no trouble making kids look up to him when he's giving vocal classes.
“now that the reunion is over can we eat? i’m starving.”
donghyuck breaks their little bubble with his request, but they shuffle around to accommodate new people on the couch. renjun asks to eat at the table because ‘it’s right there and fully functioning’, but jisung has already sat down on the floor and taken some of the containers out.
“you really want me to untuck these long limbs from under my ass just to walk five feet to another table when this coffee table is also fully functioning?”
donghyuck laughs and renjun immediately sends him a sharp look. there's a new dynamic between the two of them that mark can't exactly pinpoint, but it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy. or maybe that's just the beer he's drinking.
exhaustion hits him after his third drink and he excuses himself to go change into his sleep clothes. when he comes back to the living room, jisung is busy cleaning up the mess they made and the other two are nowhere to be seen.
“hyung, can you go get renjun? we have to leave because we have classes tomorrow morning.”
jisung sees him looking around because he quickly adds, “he's probably in hyung's room.”
navigating a space he’s a guest in is weird, but donghyuck assured him that he was welcomed everywhere in this place so he just assumes that it’s safe to enter the room without knocking. why would he expect anything weird behind the door? because he awakened his gaydar the moment he realized he wasn’t straight and he’s just been having a feeling about donghyuck and renjun? nonsense.
and there’s nothing to see on the other side. donghyuck is sitting on his bed and renjun is standing by his dresser, messing with the bottles of perfumes on top of it. mark interrupts the conversation with his entrance and both boys turn to look at him.
“jisung said you guys have to go because you have classes tomorrow. he’s almost done cleaning up.”
renjun looks at donghyuck and gives him a smile, “see ya! lo- later.” he catches himself and gives mark a look. mark does nothing but smile.
renjun opens his arms and mark willingly walks to him to get a hug. renjun hugs are precious and few between, and he’s already gotten one. who knows when the next one will be.
“it’s good to see you, hyung. don’t worry too much about things now that you’re back and get a lot of rest.”
mark holds onto him a bit longer, because renjun seems to know how messy his head has been. a silent understanding between the two. “i’ll see you at the wedding, renjunnie. take care of yourself and make sure jisung takes a break tomorrow, okay?”
the two guests leave, without a goodbye from jisung, which is not unlike him at all, so mark doesn’t say anything. the moment the door closes, mark feels like he’s back to those times where he had to rush between schedules or stages and he was functioning solely on muscle memory and adrenaline. he feels like the world is moving around him faster than it actually is. the mix of alcohol and exhaustion is making him tiptoe the edge between awake and asleep, but donghyuck is by his side the moment he starts swaying on his feet.
“let’s get you to bed, hyung.”
mark is guided to donghyuck’s bed instead of the room his friend prepared for him. his mind starts blanking out the second his head touches the pillow and there’s nothing to anchor him except donghyuck’s smell on the sheets. he can feel donghyuck taking his pants and socks off, but he can’t do anything about it. he doesn’t need to do anything about it. they’ve seen each other in all states of naked and vulnerable and mark trusts him with his life, spending a year apart won’t change that at all.
he feels donghyuck grab his hand and intertwine their fingers before consciousness fades away.
☄️
mark spends the next in and out of sleep. after the night in donghyuck’s room, he migrates to the guest bed and falls back asleep before he has time to eat breakfast. his friend wakes him up some time in the afternoon to make sure he has something in him since he might fall back asleep at any point during the evening and it would be bad if he were to just go the whole day without having eaten anything.
the day before the wedding, donghyuck has to go to the studio to record lines for an upcoming release and he invites mark to come along. it’s been almost a year since mark has stepped into a professional music studio and it feels so different from when he was working as an idol. back then, the studios would be filled with members waiting for their turn to record, managers, filming crew for behind the scenes, writers, producers, sound engineers… and the pressure to perform well was always present too.
mark always tried to do his best during pre-recordings and lives, but at some point, he would have to let go. fans would always find a reason as to why their performance wasn’t 100% perfect and that’s fine. the reality of it though is that recording over and over to reach perfection is a waste of time, resources and money. it’s no different in the studio. mark knows that not trying your best the first time around leads to frustration on every side of the recording booth. so he always put extra pressure on himself to do the best as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t waste anyone’s time.
he’s glad that it’s different for donghyuck now. his new company was mostly focused on smaller indie artists before haechan joined and he became their first actual idol. for them, that meant dishing out a bit more money than usual to hire a choreographer for his solo debut, but it paid off because his debut was a success, mostly due to the creative liberty donghyuck had when planning his first ep. now, two critically acclaimed eps later, mark’s friend is gearing up for his first solo album with complete decisive power over the final product.
there’s only a sound engineer in the studio today, since this song was written, composed and is being produced by donghyuck himself. donghyuck spent the last two months of preparation texting mark ideas like his kakaotalk was his personal notes app. that means he saw the entire process almost firsthand, from the initial ideas to the sudden doubt that comes from suddenly finding yourself without guidelines. but seeing him now, speaking to the sound engineer and asking to switch some of the things around without anyone to hold his hand and direct him to, mark feels proud.
the sudden sound of donghyuck’s voice resonating through the studio surprises mark, “what do you think? 1 or 2? or do you have another suggestion?”
donghyuck is asking for his opinion on his own song? mark must be dreaming. he asks the guy sitting at the mixing board to replay the takes donghyuck just did to hear them again.
“i like the second one best, but i think that you could go higher on the second yeah during the chorus, also,” mark quickly scans the lyrics sheet to make sure he saw correctly, “why does this part say mark rap?”
“because you’re getting in the booth and rapping that part in 15 minutes, mark.”
mark looks at his friend incredulously, “these things need preparation, hyuck! you can’t just give me a piece of paper and tell me to sing the words written on it without prior notice. that’s insane!”
his friend raises an eyebrow at him, “are you saying you’re not doing it? i wrote this song for us to sing mark. my album, my recording, my decisions.”
mark thinks about it. they’re not in sm anymore and donghyuck has total freedom over this album. so mark says fuck it and gets in the booth once donghyuck is done recording his lines. his friend is absolutely ruthless with his directing, but mark understands. like he said, his album, his recording, his decisions. the song is good and it feels great to be behind the mic again.
donghyuck is doing great for himself. renjun and jisung are doing amazing with their current jobs. chenle is so busy moving around going on tour and meeting fans around the world. jeno is living his best malewife life ever with his almost two year old daughter miyeon and his wife yunseul. and mark is figuring everything out for himself.
hopefully jaemin is also hanging on, wherever he is.
☄️
the day of the wedding, mark and donghyuck get ready together before picking up renjun and jisung on their way to the underground parking. all 4 of them are wearing different suits since it is a formal wedding, but they each have a green boutonniere because jaehyun thought it would be funny to have all the nct members wear something green to identify them. like they need to be identified. the venue where the ceremony and reception are being held is less than an hour away, so they’re not stuck in the car battling for the aux cable for long (jisung whacks renjun in the head and wins by default).
the entire place is decorated in white with touches of sage green all over the place. taeil is waiting at the entrance to help people find their spot for the ceremony. when more guests arrive behind the four of them, mark promises to catch up during the reception when the oldest doesn’t have groomsman duty.
jaehyun had offered all of them the opportunity to be his groomsman, but mark was in canada and wouldn’t be able to help with the preparations from the other side of the world. donghyuck was busy with album preparations, yuta was in japan filming a movie at the time and doyoung was in the military for 4 more months. in the end, jaehyun had asked johnny to be his best man and taeil, jungwoo and taeyong to be groomsmen.
johnny and taeyong were nowhere to be seen, probably busy with final details, but jisung quickly spots jungwoo standing with jeno, chenle, xiaojun and kun. chenle and kun both have a plus one, but mark barely spare them a glance when he sees miyeon moving her small arms around from her safe spot in her yunseul’s arms.
getting older meant mark didn’t feel awkward around kids for some reason or another. like one day his fear of everything tiny and fragile suddenly disappeared and left a baby-shaped hole in his sould. the birth of miyeon is no exception and the excitement he felt for the birth of his friend’s daughter couldn’t compare to anything he had ever experienced before. holding that tiny bundle of blankets for the first time was something mark doesn’t think he can even put into words. she was already almost a year old at the time, so he can’t imagine how tiny she must have been before that. and then mark had left. jeno would regularly send him updates and videos of milestones and mark would rejoice with the small family every time miyeon did something new for the first time. like the first time she said a word - jeno said it was dad, yunseul said it was mom, mark had no fucking idea because he thought she was just blabbering and didn’t actually say any word.
so seeing her now, mark feels like stealing her away. miyeon is looking around with her big curious eyes and mark can’t resist. he has no shame and immediately makes grabby hands towards yunseul so she’ll hand her over to him.
“here,” yunseul positions his arms so one is under her butt and the other is supporting her back. from this close, mark can see how much she looks like jeno and his heart melts when she gives him a smile and starts laughing, gesticulating her small toddler arms around. he gets hit in the process, but he couldn’t care less. he starts bouncing her softly just so he can commit the sound to memory forever. he’s holding one of his best friend’s toddler in his arms, at another one of his best friend’s wedding and he’s surrounded by a bunch of friends. today is the greatest day ever!
they’re asked to sit down at some point so that the ceremony can start and jaehyun walks in first to take his place. he’s the only nct member who is not wearing the stupid green flowers in his suit pocket and instead has some green leaves or other. mark doesn’t care. all his attention is going to miyeon and bouncing her on his lap so she’s entertained enough to not make a fuss. sorry jaehyun, but miyeon is way more interesting. plus mark barely knows the woman he’s marrying.
the ceremony is over before he even notices and renjun is ushering him towards the reception area. the interior of the venue is similar to the exterior, white rose bouquets with sage colored greenery. the entrance has a seating chart with table numbers and of course mark and the others are seated at table 7. mark sits between chenle and jisung, and the others take place around the table. there’s one seat left conveniently empty, a reminder that jaemin decided to not attend a friend’s wedding. or at the very least, a coworker he spent ten years with.
mark spends some time talking with chenle’s plus one and learns about what they’ve been doing recently. jia tells him they met at a photoshoot for an editorial where she was working as an intern and chenle asked her out for coffee after the shooting. they end up getting along better as friends, but chenle still extended the invitation to accompany him to the wedding. she agreed and here they are, eating from fancy plates and drinking expensive champagne while listening to johnny’s best man speech and his wild recounting of their younger years at sm. mark tunes it out at some point because johnny is exaggerating a lot of the things he’s saying and he has to focus on something else. his gaze drops on renjun and donghyuck seated across him at the table. they also seem to both be into their own world, with donghyuck leaned over to whisper something in renjun’s ear. whatever was said makes the older smile until he notices mark looking at them and he gently pushes the other boy away. donghyuck catches mark’s eyes and sits up straighter before turning in johnny’s direction.
mark doesn’t catch the rest of the speeches because he’s too busy trying to figure what is happening between his two friends.
☄️
the dance floor is full of people by the time mark decides to go on too. pretty much everyone on jaehyun’s side of the party knows each other either from family or from work so it’s easy to find someone to dance with. he takes pictures with lots of members so they can each post them on their individual instagram accounts and mark takes a couple more pictures with every dream member. they put their hands around the table marker with the big seven on it and hold a pose that shows off the watches mark got them as a gift after they won three daesangs in the year before disbanding. he knows people will go crazy about them including jaemin in their own way.
he offers his dancing service to one of the bridesmaid during a slow dance, but he’s not quite successful at not stepping on her feet. he eventually migrates to a corner where there’s more people he knows. he dances with chenle and jisung, just fooling around trying to make miyeon laugh from where she’s perched in yunseul’s arms. eventually, taeil comes on to sing a ballad and mark decides to free yunseul so she can have a dance with jeno without juggling a toddler in her arms.
mark starts a slow-dance with miyeon by just gently swaying around while navigating around guests. he can tell she’s getting restless because she starts kicking out and he sets her down. he keeps her balance by holding onto her tiny fingers and tries to make her walk a few steps in different directions, but the toddler is having none of it. she’s trying to drop to the floor, pulling all her weight down so mark eventually has to guide her to sit. and that’s when miyeon starts crying.
mark almost loses it because he’s pretty much never dealt with a crying child, especially not in such a public place. she’s not being loud, but he knows that it doesn’t take much for a kid to start screaming if they’re not being comforted in the way they wish to. miyeon is still too young to form actual sentences so mark has to rely on instinct to know what she needs. thing is… he has no instinct when it comes to children. the best he can do is pick her up and bring her to jeno, who cradles her in his arms instantly.
they walk to a more quiet spot of the reception hall where chenle and jisung are talking together, hunched over the former’s phone. jeno is holding his daughter in jisung’s direction before either of them can even look up to see who’s there.
“your daughter is crying, jisung,” jeno insists when jisung only looks at him with fearful eyes.
their youngest starts protesting, but jeno shoves miyeon into his arms, forcing him to quickly adjust his grip so she wouldn’t slip. miyeon stops whining and crying instantly.
mark looks at chenle for an answer, but the other looks just as surprised.
the chinese boy is the first to speak, “can she smell blood like a shark? smell weakness? is it magic? i can’t believe our jisungie is so good with kids.”
jisung scrunches his nose, “it only works with miyeon. we’ve tried.”
“you mean you’ve held other kids? my nephew would have screamed and kicked your face.” chenle reaches to take his phone he had discarded on the table, “i need a video of this.”
mark stays silent throughout the entire exchange, too surprised to even formulate a thought. he gives his phone a quick glance and smiles at his new lockscreen - a picture of him earlier with a smiling miyeon on his lap. he notices how late it already is and realizes it’s now or never if he wants to speak with renjun and donghyuck, because he can corner them here and they can’t leave since they’re his ride home.
walking back to their table, mark sees both of them still sitting down, but they’ve dragged their chairs closer to each other. their backs are facing him so he can see that donghyuck has one hand on renjun’s thigh and the other one is clasped tightly between renjun’s own hands. and they’re still whispering to each other. not very hetero of them.
he clears his throat to get their attention, “what’s going on here?”
“nothing!” they speak at the same time and jump away from each other.
“really? because you seemed pretty close just now,” mark pushes on.
donghyuck brings a hand up to his mouth and starts biting at his nails and mark can tell it’s taking everything in renjun to not reach out.
renjun gives him the fakest smile he’s seen on him since the time he had to tell fans everyone was fine while he was hours from finding out there was a possibility he would have to stop singing forever. he even denies anything going on again.
mark doesn’t know how he’s supposed to tell them they can trust him without just outright saying ‘hey i’m kind of lgbeet so whatever you have going on is fine!’ because what if he’s actually reading the entire situation completely wrong and they turn out to be homophobic or whatever? mark would have to catch the next flight back to montreal and never come back to south korea again.
mark decides to risk it all. no pain no gain after all.
“look guys, i-” he takes a deep breath, “whatever is going on between the two of you, don’t worry. i get it. because me too. well-”
donghyuck interrupts him before he can continue, “wait a minute.. you’re gay too? mark lee is a little homosexual?”
“NO!” i mean, yes but no. i’m bisexual, i think.” mark quickly corrects when he sees their faces fall at his quick negative answer. “and can you be quieter? i might understand, but that doesn’t mean everyone should know about it. especially since you just confirmed to me that you like men.”
“you know they say one out of ten people is gay, there was almost thirty of us in nct… the math is mathing.”
mark makes a face at renjun’s statement, “stop watching the tiktoks chenle sends you and that statistic is false.”
“of course you would know that’s a fake number,” donghyuck rolls his eyes, “who else would do research on something like this.”
mark quickly sputters out an excuse about it being scientifically driven and not for his own knowledge, but they have none of it. donghyuck and renjun tell him about how it all started and mark has to actually lean back into his seat for support when they say they’ve been dating for almost two years. that means they were together before nct disbanded and mark left for canada and he was not aware of it. at least not until he came back three days ago. basically, donghyuck comforted renjun when he was going through his whole vocal nodules ordeal and renjun was there in return when donghyuck’s father passed. they ended up spending a lot of time together and things just evolved in a romantic direction that neither had foreseen. they had always been touchy with each other - although less willingly on renjun’s side - and they found out they could barely survive a day without seeing each other. so they just… started dating. as simple as that. mark envies them, but he’s not sure if it’s because he wants that for himself or because he’s sad jaemin was in a similar situation.
he’s also scared for them. what if the same thing that happened to jaemin happened to them? at least they have the luxury of already being friends and setting a precedent for their interactions together.
“who else knows?” mark asks, curious about who he can trust.
they give each other a look, hesitating, before renjun gives him an answer.
“jaemin does. he’s the only one who knows, actually. and before you think anything of it, he found out by himself.”
mark gives them a puzzled look. there’s no way jaemin’s gaydar is better than his own and he just managed to guess something like that.
“he walked in on us, mark,” donghyuck answers to his silent question. “do you want a drawing too?”
“yeah, it was totally, um- unexpected, let’s say. but he came out to us then too. well, after we got dressed and whatever. but it was a pretty emotional talk, nothing like what we’re having right now. but it’s cool that you’re gay too! well, half-gay? i guess i can just say bisexual, right? it’s good that you live somewhere else since you can probably just do whatever you want without having to hide. i wish it was like that for us too, and for jaemin too… but it’s not like we can change society by ourselves since-”
donghyuck grabs his boyfriend’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, “you’re rambling, baby.”
renjun shakes his head, “sorry, i still get nervous whenever i have to openly discuss anything that has to do with this . i’ve been talking with jaemin about it, but he’s not much help, you know? since he never actually got to speak about it on his own terms… he’s seen us together and yesterday he told me-”
mark interrupts him quickly, “you’ve seen and talked to jaemin? since when? and why has he not talked to me? i texted him every day for weeks when the news broke out and i never got an answer, so i figured he was sorting things out for himself, but he never got back to me.”
renjun looks like he’s about to start crying, “i wasn’t supposed to tell you.”
on the other hand, donghyuck looks like he’ll tell him anything if he asks, so mark does just that.
“i think he just felt safer telling us, since he already knew about our relationship. it’s not that he didn’t trust you in particular, he was just scared of… people . his boyfriend was starting to get tired of hiding and he wanted to move to another country, but jaemin could only compromise in the form of moving in together. he wasn’t ready to leave everything behind. his boyfriend would say that it was because he was scared of who he really was. so jaemin eventually broke up with him a couple of days before they moved together because he felt like he was being pushed. jaemin thinks he was the one to leak the info. so, yeah. it’s not that he didn’t trust you. he was just scared.”
it’s a lot to take in and mark has to sit down. after some minutes of silence, mark is able to negotiate jaemin’s new phone number and address out of the couple and he gets up to leave. he has the presence of mind to go see jaehyun and congratulate once more before he calls for a taxi and starts the ride to jaemin’s new apartment.
☄️
jaemin’s new place is similar to where he lived after he left the nct dream dorm and mark is glad he’s able to afford a good place. jaemin had always been wise with his money back when they were still active so mark never really worried about how his friend would live once nct was no more. but that was before everything happened with the media. mark isn’t sure how laws work here because he never had to read up on it before, but he wouldn’t put it pass old homophobic landlords to kick out people. so mark will be happy that jaemin has a safe place to stay at.
he barely hesitates to knock and jaemin opens the door almost instantly, probably expecting a food delivery judging by the time it currently is.
mark is suddenly face to face with the guy who started his whole sexuality crisis in the first place, and seeing him again just confirms a fact mark already knew: he is very much gay for jaemin. if this wasn’t such an awkward encounter for both of them, mark would probably jump him right in the doorway of his apartment.
jaemin looks good, amazing even. his hair is back to its natural color since he’s not forced to bleach and color it multiple times a year for schedules and photoshoots. and it’s so long, probably long enough that if mark were to burry his fingers in it, his entire hand would disappear. or he could tie a ponytail. or do both. god, he needs to focus on what he came here to do.
“why are you here, hyung?” jaemin instantly questions.
what was he here for, again? oh, right. profess his undying love to the guy he’s had a crush on for probably most of his life but was only made aware of it less than a year ago. he has to make up a lie.
“i missed you, of course! and i was in the area for jaehyun’s wedding and maybe donghyuck and renjun let it slip that they have talked to you, so i bothered them until they gave me your info. don’t get mad at them, this is all on me.”
jaemin lets him in, but doesn’t offer him anything to drink or a seat, “really, why did you come here? to reprimand me for not going to the wedding? i’ve sent jaehyun-hyung a gift and even signed the card so he knows it’s from me. the place is clean and pretty much devoid of anything personal. that’s how jaemin has always lived, so it’s not really a surprise to anyone else. but mark knows that jaemin is restless and just keeps everything inside instead of evacuating his feelings in his environment.
mark’s resolve quickly crumbles down when jaemin squints at him with fearful eyes. he’s only seen that look on his face once; when he had to choose between going on hiatus from nct dream to do PT or leave the group. back then, mark had been there to hold jaemin’s hand and reassure him that they would support and understand, no matter what he decided. and that was still true to this day, so seeing jaemin look at him in such a way made him feel like crying. he just has to tell him.
he takes a deep breath in, “i’m bisexual and i’m in love with you,” and out.
“what?” jaemin’s face changes into something mark has never seen, a mix of pure confusion and anger, “you’re so selfish, mark. coming here, in my house, just to tell me that you’re in love with me. you don’t know what it means to love me, mark lee.”
and jaemin is wrong, mark has never known anything except what it means to love na jaemin. but before he can even say anything, jaemin starts speaking again.
“you can’t love me. i ruin everything and i’ll ruin your life too. this thing is bad and i’ve only been miserable ever since the news came out. there’s nothing good to come out of this, so there must be something wrong with me. you’re too good for me to ruin, mark. i could never do this to you.”
mark came here fully ready to pick up the little pieces of jaemin that got scattered around each time a news source came out with a new article about him, but he didn’t expect it to be this bad. renjun had said jaemin was helping him be confident in his relationship while donghyuck had said the exact opposite. this jaemin in front of him was simply… broken.
“how can you say something like that? jaemin, you being gay is part of who you are. the relationship you were in is not a ‘ thing ’. ”
jaemin looks close to tears now, “you don’t understand. i’ve lost everything because of this. if this is who i am, then i’m the worst person to ever exist because everything i know just isn’t true anymore. this thing you insist is a part of me made me lose my family, my reputation and my happiness. i even lost love. i ruined his life and his parents lives too.”
mark takes a breath and starts, “you said i’m selfish, but honestly… i think you’re the selfish one between the two of us. do you think you’re the only one who struggled with something as big as coming to terms with your own sexuality? obviously, you never deserved to be outed in such a way, but that’s just one type of struggle. weren’t you happy before the news broke? about to move in together? donghyuck said you think your ex is the one who gave the info to the media, but think about it. would he really ruined his own life just to see you fail at something? he’s not the bad guy and neither are you for realising you were not ready for a life together.” jaemin nods, tears rolling down his cheeks, but mark has to finish what he has to say. “this relationship you had wasn’t bad, jaemin. i’m sorry it was ripped away from you in such a way, but you’re not allowed to dictate how i’m supposed to feel about my own experience and feelings. i struggled too, still struggle, but there’s nothing broken or wrong about us. there’s nothing wrong about donghyuck and renjun’s relationship. i’m sad for you and the relationship you’ve lost but, you’re okay, jaemin. you’ll build yourself back up.”
“you can’t seriously think you’ve lost everything,” mark walks to jaemin and softly cups his face, using his thumb to wipe at the tears that keep falling. “you’ve got me. you’ve got donghyuck and renjun. you’ve got jeno, chenle and jisung. and everyone who cares about you. we still love you, jaem.”
the younger boy suddenly collides with mark, circling his arms around his waist and hiding his face into mark’s neck. “hyung… hyung… i’m so scared. hyung .”
mark let’s jaemin tire himself out, whispering soft encouragement and slowly rubbing his back until he stops crying.
☄️
mark puts jaemin to bed after 2 hours of talking and jaemin clings to him before finally settling down. there isn’t anything more to say, at least not in their emotionally exhausted state, so jaemin offers his couch to mark with a promise of more talking in the morning.
the oldest settles in with a blanket and pillow provided straight from jaemin’s bed and mark inhales the scent in before burrowing his face in and closing his eyes. he’s almost asleep when he suddenly hears the sound of feet shuffling against the hardwood floor and jaemin is pushing at mark’s body a moment later. mark lets him do as he pleases. jaemin sets his head on mark’s chest and starts drawing random shapes on his skin. mark quickly wraps his arm around the younger’s waist to make sure he doesn’t fall if he moves suddenly. he remembers the time jaemin had snuck into bed with him during the filming of 7llin, and the thought makes him smile.
“are you really in love with me or just the fact that we’re a match in terms of sexual orientation?”
his smile is immediately replaced by a frown at the question, “jaemin, i’ve been in love with you since i first saw you. love at first sight and everything. i’ve always loved you, i’m sorry for not showing it enough.”
jaemin sighs and mark feels his breath tickle his skin. he shivers.
“i want to believe you, hyung. i really do. and i think i’ve loved you too for a long time. but i’ve repressed those feelings out of fear. give me time, hyung?”
mark gently holds jaemin’s chin and raises his head up. the angle is a bit awkward given their proximity, but mark slightly leans in to press a gentle kiss to the younger’s forehead.
“i’ll wait forever for you jaemin,” mark assures. “anything for my first.”