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Kaidan rolls over in his hold, Shepard’s arms tightening unconsciously around his waist. His eyes open to peer at his face, younger in sleep. Beautiful, as it always was. Always will be. Almost peaceful despite everything.
The scars glow red in the still dark hours of early morning-late night, and Kaidan doesn’t stop himself from reaching out a hand, tracing the rough edges as they run along his face.
He shifts in his sleep, a hum from his lips and Kaidan knows he’s awake now, knows he could stop him at any time but doesn’t. Lets Kaidan run his fingers over one end of scars to the other, still as anything underneath him. Only shifts closer when Kaidan’s thumb touches the last inch of the scar on the underside corner of his jaw.
‘You want me to stop?’ He asks, gently. Barely above a whisper.
He hums sleepily again, not an answer but not a rejection. Blindly reaches his hand up with eyes still closed to cradle Kaidan’s hand as it starts to pull away. Forces his soft, warm hand against his marred cheek.
Kaidan chuckles, but doesn’t make to move again when his hand drops from his. Thumb trailing slow circles against the roughened skin, deep enough in thought that when he comes back, Shepard's looking straight through him, tawny orbs gentle-but Kaidan would have to be a fool not to see the wariness there, the way he seems to shrink a little inside himself.
’Do they bother you?’ He asks when he realizes Kaidan’s listening again. His voice breaks on the words like Kaidan knew they would, the glass cracking and bottoming out to the side of Commander Shepard no one else was allowed to see.
The side that cares too deeply, the side that doubts.
Kaidan doesn’t realize it at first, but when he reaches a hand back up to trace his lips underneath his fingertips, it’s coated in a bright blue fade.
It doesn’t bother Shepard. Shepard’s not a biotic, and if he were more reasonable, a fool not blinded by his own love, Kaidan knows that he would scare him. It should, Kaidan knows if it were anyone else in bed with him, they’d flinch as his blue flame touched skin. Kick him from the bed, tear through flesh and blood and squeeze his heart underneath their acid tongue for his lack of control. His carelessness.
Him.
But Shepard knows better. Knows Kaidan better. Knows Kaidan would never hurt him. Knows he’s safe underneath the cool blue flames as they lick at his skin. Loves the familiar feeling, a rush of chills from the edge of his spine spiking to let his lips stretch into a radiant smile.
Kaidan in the feeling of his own flame licking at his pupils shining back at him when Shepard looks at him.
Relishes the way his biotics look against him.
Kaidan realizes he still hasn’t answered his question, sees the concern Shepard doesn’t try to hide anymore. Kaidan leans in, lets the blue glow guide him to the curvature of Shepards chilled, chapped lips as he presses them against his own.
‘Never,’ he whispers into Shepard's lips with enough conviction it makes both of them shiver.
When they pull away, Kaidan can feel the adoring smile on Shepard’s face even without seeing it under the shades of his red and Kaidan’s blue. And he remembers then how much he missed seeing it. Remembers how it looked on his face before he’d lost him, realizes he hadn’t seen it on his face for a long time.
It wasn’t like this, when Kaidan finally asked to join Shepard on the Normandy again. It was a cold, calculated distance between them, even so during missions where it turned not into fighting for the other half of them to live and only just for themselves to survive. And Kaidan was sure Shepard did it for him. Shepard never did anything if it wasn’t for what he thought others wanted.
But Shepard was wrong, it was agony for Kaidan those first few days-weeks without Shepard. His voice, his awful jokes, the way his chuckles sounded so breathless and made his nerves jolt when they’d bounce against his skin. The way those beautiful brown eyes would find him, a smile trapped in its depths only Kaidan was able to see.
Shepard wasn’t known for being wrong, wasn’t known for making mistakes.
But he was, and he had.
’I’m not leaving, either.’
It was a stall, he knew there’s no way he could ever convince Shepard to forget to love him enough to let Kaidan stay.
But there’s no way in hell he wouldn’t try.
There was no choice in Shepard’s tone, no regret when he walked up to him, tore the fire extinguisher from Kaidan’s grip and replaced it with strong, arms that never ended around his middle.
There was no time to cry, there was no time to miss him when he was standing right in front of him but Kaidan couldn’t stop the hitch in his breath if he tried, couldn’t stop desperately holding the taller man to him like he’d already lost him. Couldn’t let go of Shepard’s soft humming in the shower, the way his lips felt against his own, the look in his eyes like it was the first time he’d seen Kaidan whenever he came into the room-couldn’t let him go even if the ship came down on top of them.
So Shepard did it for him. Ripped himself out of his grip and didn’t even seem to feel the snap in his chest like Kaidan did.
He was broken, bleeding in front of Shepard and the man had the audacity to not even look at him as he fiddled with the wiring to the sleeping pods in a desperate attempt to busy his shaking hands.
And Kaidan knew it then, somehow could feel the rip in the air that this was going to be the last time he’d ever see Commander Greyson Shepard. His Shepard.
And he couldn’t even let a simple goodbye pass through his lips. Knew he deserved so much more, knew Kaidan deserved so much more, but the only measly word he could get past his quivering lips was
’Commander…’
Shepard hesitated, so little anyone that wasn’t Kaidan wouldn’t even notice, but it was there. And when he turned to him, Kaidan couldn’t see Shepard’s eyes through the smoke but he could hear the panic in his voice. The regret, the guilt, the finality, the love when he said the last words Kaidan thought he’d ever hear from him.
‘Kaidan, go. Now.’
’What’s that look for Kaidan?’
Kaidan snaps back to reality to the feeling of Shepard pressing his fingers to the space between Kaidan’s brows as if he could soothe the furrow with a single touch.
Kaidan, with a speed he’s never shown before, grabs Shepard’s hand and traps it in such a tight grip Shepard lets out a grunt of surprise. Kaidan brings his hand to his lips, kissing each of his knuckles before he settled Shepard’s hand against his chest, palm resting just atop Kaidan’s heart that beats so loud he’s sure Shepard can hear it.
‘Never leave me alone again,’ Kaidan whispers, begs, and he doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Shepard leans forward and kisses away the tears that fall from his eyes. ‘Never make me leave you behind again.’ Kaidan says again, clearer this time like it would be enough to convince him. Squeezing desperately tight onto Shepard’s hand like if he let go, Shepard would surely float away.
Shepard pulls away so that Kaidan can see his face, watch his eyes flick across every inch of his face till they look back up at him, the red imprint of his eyes something that used to betray him before, used to make people look at him with a tinge or fear, of discomfort, twisting into something that only helps him now when Shepard leans forward, pressing his forehead to Kaidan’s until all he can see is that red boring into him.
‘Never,’ he echoes.
And it’s more than enough, he knows Shepard means it but he has to hear it again because the doubt hasn’t all been chased away.
He squeezes Shepard’s hand again, eyes fluttering shut as he sighs out some of the hurt that had been trapped in his chest for longer than he could count. ‘Promise me.’
It was quiet for an agonizing few seconds, Kaidan’s fear slowly taking hold of him again- until he felt Shepard’s fingers curl under his chin, lift his head up and feels as Shepard’s lips press against his lips again. As they trail up to rest against his forehead, down to breathe into his ear as he, as he always had, gives Kaidan what he needs and more.
’I promise, Kaidan.’