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Being afraid was a luxury, a luxury Jason wasn’t given in Crime Alley. Ever since his mom died he had to learn to get over what little fears he could have when he was with her. One of these fears being bugs. Bugs were a constant in Jason’s life and unlike most horrible constants he suffered through the more he was exposed to creepy crawlies the worse his fear got. He remembered the way they would crawl through their small apartment, the way they were always there, and the way he didn’t really mind them back then. Now, living on the streets he couldn't help but feel a little more nauseous the more he was around them.
The night had begun and Jason was beginning to settle into his usual spot. The summer while hot was his favorite season back when he lived with his mom, now? not so much. It wasn’t the hot that made summer so bad, ya, it wasn't the comfortable 60-70 degrees but he enjoyed the hot, a lot more than the northeast cold at least. No, what he really hated was the bugs that thrived this time of year. He heard the buzzing as he tried to rest, felt them crawl on him as he tried to sleep and couldn't help the nausea that rose every time he saw one of those things. Stupid, stupid, stupid You’re stronger than this why are you so scared of a couple of insects. He layered cardboard over himself trying to shake the fly flying around him. It didn’t help obviously but now he could at least pretend like it wasn’t there.
He missed laughing like this, missed smiling like this, missed the casual banter between his family. Jason has finally, finally, felt at home at the manor. It had been 25 months since he revealed himself, 19 since he started patrolling with the bats, 16 since he stopped killing, 8 since he started coming to family dinners, 5 since he started hanging out outside of both of those events and 1 week since he had referred to the manor as home since he was 15. It felt surprisingly good.
Tonight was family game night and they were all playing a game called Code Names which got surprisingly intense with a family of detectives. Himself, Steph, Duke, Cass, and Tim were currently up against Dick, Damian, Bruce, Kate, and Barbra with Steph and Dick currently giving hints. The game was basically tied and everyone was deathly silent. That silence is probably what led Jason to noticing it, a cockroach a few feet away from him. Fuck. Jason wasn’t exactly embarrassed by his phobia of bugs, no scratch that he definitely was. I mean, he was Red Hood, league assassin, former robin, feared by heros and villians alike! He shouldn’t be holding in a panic attack just because he spotted one measly cockroach.
“ fuzzy, 2”
Steph's clue immediately snapped Jason out of his silent panic and back into the game, the game they were probably gonna lose if they didn’t guess right. The first one was obviously the picture showing a fuzzy monster cuddling a reading child however the next one was either a picture of fuzzy car dice or a fuzzy bunny cooking eggs. Cass and Tim both thought it was the dice as she would’ve said animal if it was the bunny. However, Duke and himself thought the dice were more fury than fuzzy. Duke and Tim were the main ones arguing, mainly because Cass was silently arguing with herself and he was heavily distracted by the roach slowly approaching him.
Tiny limbs crawled all over him, inside him, and yet he couldn't move. He could feel every insect on his skin and yet his mind felt outside his body, just watching them crawl over him and into him. He tried to swat them away to at least get the most adventurous ones out of his mouth, ear, nose and eyes but his body wouldn’t listen all he could do it watch and feel. Under his skin, god why were they under his skin, please someone get them out, GET THEM OFF OF HIM!
“ You good man?” Duke asked
“ Hm, oh ya sorry, just tired after a new case.” He replied
He felt his fingers trace against the expensive wood chair trying to ground himself fingers against wood, clawing to get out. He pressed his back harder into the plush chair silk pillows on his back taking more of his small space. He looked up at his family, playing, laughing, smiling, and in Tim and Duke's case, arguing. His family wasn’t there, he was alone then, he's not alone now. There was warm light here, it was cold and dark there, he’s safe. He watches as Tim wins the argument only to end up losing us the game which sends a laugh throughout the table before Alfred enters the room.
“Well that was certainly amusing, now why don’t you all come to the dining room for some sandwiches?”
Jason cringed as he dug through the dumpster, he was not gonna enjoy his next meal was he. He felt his hand pass by greasy paper, trash bags, boxes, rotting food, and to his dismay many, many, many bugs. He felt bile slowly rise in his throat everytime his finger brushed against any of the small creatures. Pull yourself together, brushing against some stupid ants, maggots, and roaches is nowhere near as gross as some of the stuff you’ve done, don’t whimp out now. He tried hard to separate himself from what he was currently doing. He dreamt of his mother, when she was healthy, his father when he was sober and calm, he dreamt of going to school, of making it out of the alley, of being in a house where bugs were rare if there at all.
His fingers finally locked around a sandwich which seemed only slightly disgusting and brought it out of the dumpster. Now for the hard part. He tried not to look at the sandwich as he brought it to his mouth. He breathed out his mouth and closed his nose blocking out the smell. He tried to put himself back into the dream from the dumpster but it was too hard. Just eat it damnit. He took the bite quickly not wanting to savor the taste or register the texture. He struggled to swallow, only doing so to get the taste off of his tongue. Then he took another bite, and another, and another, struggling with each the same way as the first. By the time he had finished eating all the parts that didn’t look inedible he put his effort into not throwing up.
He swore he felt the maggots squirm in his mouth, the ants struggle down his throat, the spiders tickle his stomach. There under my skin, there in my stomach, please just get them out. Get them out of my mouth, my throat, my stomach, my skin. He told himself not to think of it like he always did. Bugs, crawling all over him, in his mouth, down his throat. He imagined happier times. He felt them move as they traveled through his body, they were laying eggs, fuck fuck fuck. He twitched at the slight itch on his cheek only to be relieved to find it was a tear instead of more insects. So many insects inside of him, baby insects exploding him from the inside out. Pull yourself together. Jason gasped as he snapped out of it. He silently cursed at himself, he remembered when he was first on the streets when he could eat an insect infested sandwich and not bat an eye, now look at him breaking down more and more every time he had to do what he always did.
Whatever it didn’t matter, his worsening reactions to bugs was a problem to be put on hold because tonight was tire jacking night. He grabbed his tire iron and set off into the night. That would be the last insect infested sandwich he would eat.
Biting on the last bits of his sandwich, Jason continued into the game room. Those who didn’t live at the manor or weren’t staying for the night left leaving only Tim, Dick, Duke, Cass, Bruce, and Damian left in the manor. Along with that both Duke and Tim went to bed (duke because of daytime patrol, Tim because he had been awake for far too long in the families opinion).Dick was going on and on about some old titans story they had all heard before until Jason suddenly stopped. Shit, he totally forgot about that stupid roach. Deep breaths he reminded himself, in and out.
“Jaylad?” Bruce started catching the others' attention.
Great, now everyone was staring at him, just perfect.
“ s-sor- I- umm” Jason tried, which was kind of hard because the roach was now a foot in front of him and he couldn’t really think much.
“ Tt Do not tell me Todd is afraid of a cockroach” Of course Demon Brat had to be the one to figure it out.
Fuck, he just had a sandwich too. All too quickly to avoid embarrassment Jason ran to the corner farthest from the bug and closest to the trashcan just in case.
“ Shut it, brat” he spat back at the boy, unable to come up with anything clever after being confronted with one of his worst fears.
“Little Wing are you afraid of bugs?” Dick asked incredulously, clearly trying to be supportive and clearly failing to hold back his laughter at the fact that his big scary younger brother was still human.
“Mhm, yep, now could one of you please get it away from here instead of laughing at my misery” he barked back.
Bruce stood with the others with a look that made Jason want to go pit mad again, clearly thinking about how his psychopathic disappointment of a son still holds some of the traits that belonged to his angel boy that died.
“Oh Jaylad, I didn’t know you still were scared of insects” Bruce added confirming what Jason had suspected.
One of Jason's favorite things about the manor was the fact that no matter the time of year bugs were almost non-existent. Of course you could still find one in the garden or an abandoned room but all Jason had to do was ignore those places and he would be fine. At Least most of the time he would be.
Breakfast in the manor was bright, calm, warm, and welcoming. Having more than one meal a day was something he always associated with his time with his parents, and even then it was usually only two, brunch and dinner. Having a dedicated breakfast was always something that was special to him and Jason loved nothing more than running downstairs greeting Bruce and Alfred and having breakfast. This morning was no different, he smiled brightly at the two wishing them a good morning before sitting down next to Bruce. Bruce often worked during breakfast but even then, the mood of the meal made even Bruce’s work seem brighter and happier. Jason happily ate his omelet until he heard something that was never supposed to be in the manor, especially not during the miracle that is breakfast.
As the buzzing got closer to Jason he couldn't help but freeze stupid you don’t even have to eat this one and yet your still being a scaredy cat. He simply sat there as it got closer and closer, his breathing getting shallower and shallower. Jason never had this problem when he was robin, he thought he got over this, hell, he didn't have this problem when he was in civvies outside the manor, but something about it being manor, being in his home made Jason panic.
“Jaylad, are you okay?” Bruce questioned.
“sorry, I just, well- I’m afraid of bugs” Jason surprised himself with how freely he just admitted his fear.
Bruce made a noise in acknowledgement before getting up and walking towards the fly. Of course you would be a bother, he gave you a home, food, love and you have to make him do even more work for you. Shaking the thoughts out of his head he watches as his dad quickly squashed the bug in a sudden clap that only Batman could pull off without even trying. Bruce then turns back to the table briefly noticing Jason's now embarrassed expression.
“ Having an irrational fear or two is nothing to be ashamed of Jay, even I jump a bit when I see a gun in a place I view as safe” Bruce said nonchalantly.
Jason nodded in reply and savored the sudden warmness that built up inside him. His dad will protect him from bugs, and he will protect his dad from guns. That's what family is for and Bruce is Jason’s family. The rest of breakfast went on in a comfortable silence.
“ I don’t know why I would suddenly stop being scared of them, Bruce.” Jason spat out dangerously. He’d probably regret it later, he always did nowadays but he couldn't bring himself to care, not with the roach in his home.
Cass was the first one to move because at least someone was listening to him and picked up the bug before heading outside. Leaving Jason with an oncoming panic attack, two annoying saps who would do anything for Jason to just magically become his old self, and one kid raised by Tahlia al Ghul who could not fathom the idea that fear might be anything but a weakness.
“This just further proves I am the superior Robin” Damian tutted
Crawling on me while I sleep.
“ Come on Damian be nice, being afraid of bugs is something perfectly normal” Dick lectured in a soft babying voice.
In my mouth, in my stomach.
“Tt Being afraid of something as weak as an insect just shows how incompetent Todd really is” Damian continued.
Flying around in my home.
“Little Wing?”
Surrounding him, inside him, covered in mud.
“ You don’t know what you’re talking about brat” Jason argued letting his built up panic turn to anger.
Jason woke up feeling wrong, something deep in his bones told him that he shouldn’t be awake. He dug deep in his mind trying to find out why but gave up once he realised that he couldn’t remember what happened the night before, or the night before that, or the night before that. Jason couldn’t remember anything which led to pure panic within him. Bruce, I need Bruce. He helps me when I'm scared, he will always save me, always. But for some reason that felt wrong as well. He didn’t know why it was wrong, hell, he didn’t know who Bruce was but for some reason thinking about it hurt.
Unable to place his last memories Jason instead tried to place where he was. He faked sleep as he checked over what he could hear. Nothing. Then checked over his position. Lying on his back. Then what he could feel. Soft cushion underneath him, cold, the air is stale. Finally, he checked over his body. Shit, that is not good, too many injuries to count. After lying still for a bit he opened his eyes, at least he thought he did. Was he blind why is it so dark? He reached his hands out, despite how much it hurt, only to be met with walls right next to him. Quickly with much more adrenaline he felt all around himself only to find that he was enclosed in a very small box. Fuck. He needed to get out immediately. All his other problems can wait, like the fact everything hurt so bad, he didn’t remember anything, he wasn't wearing a mask. Why was that important?, and how he felt bugs in his stomach double fuck. Ignoring the horrible realization he looked for something to break the walls around him. Calm down Jason, everything will be okay Bruce will save you no he won’t. His hands find a belt buckle and he quickly maneuvers the belt off his waist to start hacking at the silk.
By the time he gets to the wood he gives up on the belt buckle, not because it wouldn't help, but because he’s no longer thinking, just feeling and doing. He feels pure terror throughout his body, he has so much adreniline that despite his injuries the only thing he can feel is a sharp pain from his heart beating so hard. When he breaks wood it's even worse and even feeling becomes too much. He’s drowning in mud and bugs, he can’t breathe. just dig. He feels the bugs in his stomach crawl; bugs he’d find out later were eating his dead body. He tastes the gotham mud in his mouth feeling rocks and bugs slightly disturde the constant wet dry texture. Finally he feels air, and rain, and the warmth of being above ground. He throws up immediately despite there being nothing in his stomach but bugs and mud . He pukes for what feels like forever and yet it's not enough, the taste of mud remains on his tongue and he can still feel the bugs inside him. Tears fall from his eyes as the pain registers, and it takes all his effort to get up and away from this horrible place.
Walking is hard so he doesn’t think, doesn’t feel. If he does he will throw up again. Luckily his journey is cut off by a bright light, the noise of a car that is far too close, and then blissful nothing.
“Don’t be idiotic Todd, They can’t harm you so there is no need for your outburst” Damian says purposefully pushing Jason’s buttons.
“Guys-“ Dick cut in.
“ You don’t get to say what hurts me or not. Have you ever slept on the streets as they crawled all over you? Have you ever had to eat food infested with maggots and flies or else you would starve? Have you ever woken up in your grave covered in the bugs that were eating you? Only to have to claw your way through bug infested mud? Only to have to throw up because not only did you swallow that bug infested mud but because after being dead for six months there were bugs who thought your dead body was a great home?!” Jason screams turning all his terror and panic into anger.
The silence that followed was thick and awkward but Jason greedily took it and used it to calm down. Regret instantly replaced all the horrible feelings he was feeling before. He didn’t want them to know that stuff, especially Damain who was still just a kid. Fuck, Damain, he totally just had an outburst not only infront of him but towards him.
“Shit, sorry Dami, I didn’t mean to get mad at you like that, I’m just stressed.” He whispered trying to take back his words.
“ It’s I who should apologize Todd I didn’t know you had such experiences” Damian said regretfully.
“Don’t sweat it kid, like you said you didn’t know” Jason says trying to prevent the inevitable of Dick and Bruce’s reactions.
“Damain why don’t you go to bed, you have school tommorrow.” Bruce said robotically deep in thought.
“Yes, father” Damian replied before setting off to his room.
“Look I didn’t mean to yell at him okay? I wasn’t gonna hurt him. This isn’t the pit, I'm just a bit on edge okay?” Jason stutters scared to lose what little trust he has.
“Little wing” Dick practically whimpers, sounding so uncharacteristically sad.
Jason tries to ignore the guilt building in his chest after making his brother so upset. You just had to go and spill your little sob story.
“I thought Tahlia revived you in the pit?” Bruce mumbles lost in thought trying to process the new information.
“No, she kind of just tossed me after she found me wandering around Gotham in a catatonic state” Jason says with no real bite behind it.
“ Y- you dug out of your grave?” Dick whispers so quietly it’s like he doesn’t want the answer.
Jason can do nothing but nod to his question, scared that his voice will break if he speaks. You weren’t supposed to find out about that, I should’ve kept it a secret like I’d planned. Suddenly Jason is caught off guard by big arms wrapping around him. Bruce’s arms. He stiffens for a moment before melting into his dad’s arms no longer having the emotional energy to fight it. He stays for a moment before letting out a sob he didn’t know he had. Bruce’s fingers gently brush through his hair, taking care to separate all the white from the black. He feels a second body collide with the two and recognises Dick’s octopus arms latch around the two. He stays like that for who knows how long, only moving slightly when Cass comes back and joins the group hug silently. He feels safe and warm like he did that one morning. So what if Bruce cant kill every bug, can’t save him every time. Family won’t always be there, Jason knows that better than anyone, but at least when they are they do everything they can to keep you safe and for now thats all he needs.