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Here’s what no-one else in the boathouse knows: it’s not the first time Eddie has pinned Steve up against a wall. It’s not the first time Steve has been stuck under Eddie’s stare, it’s not the first time they’ve been close enough to feel each other’s heartbeats. No-one else knows that there’s more than fear in Eddie’s eyes, that there’s something akin to resentment, or maybe malice, or, Steve can’t tell, is it sadness, or desperation?
Steve tries to communicate with Eddie as they’re stood there, as there’s fucking glass up against his neck, tries to calm him down, or something, through his eyes, but Eddie’s really riled up, because he’s not stepping back, hand still gripped in Steve’s collar, bottle still at his throat.
The closeness makes Steve dizzy, and there’s something about the intensity in Eddie’s eyes that makes him catch his breath. Steve recognizes the intensity, feels an ache in his chest at it, longs for the familiarity of it.
When Eddie asks ‘What are you doing here?’, he can’t help but feel like it’s directed at him, specifically, and he wants to give an answer, wants to reassure him in some way. He drops the oar when instructed, swears on Dustin’s mother’s life that he’s not going to hurt him, as if he could, as if there’s any world in which he could intentionally cause Eddie harm.
And he knows, deep down, that Eddie wouldn’t hurt him either, that the bottle at his neck is the result of a man fully at the end of his tether, but everyone’s panicked and shouting around them, and it’s setting Steve on edge.
Eventually Eddie steps back, drops into a sitting position, and Steve moves away from him, hand to his neck, keeps Eddie in his sights out of the corner of his eye.
He watches Eddie as he tells Dustin what he saw, watches Eddie’s hands and voice shake, can only stand silently as he resists the urge to go over to him, to put his arms around him, to tell him everything will be okay.
He wouldn’t be welcome, and it would look strange, and he doesn’t. Steve clenches his fists. Looks away.
-
Eddie and Steve were 8 and 7 when they first met, out in the playground on the far side of town, Steve kicking absently at a rock near the swingset, waiting for some bigger kids to finish their turn. His mom was sat on the bench across the field, head in some magazine, not paying him any attention, and Steve had been waiting for about a billion hours already.
He thought about going over and asking them for a turn, but one of them started laughing, and it felt like they were laughing at him, so he moved away, sitting on one end of the teeter-totter, the other end high up in the sky. He pressed his feet against the ground, bouncing his seat a little, knowing it wouldn’t do anything.
After a few minutes or maybe hours, the sky brightened, and then a voice said ‘Do you wanna play?’
Steve turned towards the voice, squinting against the sunlight, and eventually locked eyes with its owner.
The boy was around his age, with big brown eyes and dark brown hair, and an eyebrow raised in questioning, and when Steve didn’t answer straight away, he added, ‘It’s just hard to play this one by yourself. I’ve tried before.’
Which made Steve laugh, and say ‘Yeah sure, let’s play,’ and the boy smiled and went to the other side of the teeter-totter, Steve standing enough to let the other seat down.
They bobbed happily for a while, the other boy sometimes pushing up harder than necessary to make Steve crash down, each time forcing a burst of laughter out of him, and the swingset was all forgotten.
They didn’t need words in the way that you never need words when you’re 7, and the day had started out pretty badly, but in the short time he’d been playing with the boy, going up and down and up and down and up and down again, he’d ended up happier than he’d been in a while. They bounced and laughed, and the other boy was smiling with a brightness that matched the brightness of the sun.
Long enough later, Steve’s mom came over, voice high and stressed, saying ‘Stevie, sweetie, it’s time to go! Leave that boy alone.’
Steve called back, from mid-air, ‘No! Mom!’
She crossed her arms, now stood next to him as he moved up and down. ‘Steven, now.’
Steve was determined to keep playing, but the boy across from him slowed their movements, and Steve scowled at him. The boy smiled, shrugged, said ‘C’mon Stevie, gotta listen to your mom,’ and Steve sighed and stood up.
‘Whatever. Thanks for playing with me.’
The other boy also stood, and waved, and Steve waved back as he was led away. When they were nearing the edge of the playground, something pulled at his brain, and he ran back, letting go of his mom’s hand, ignoring his mom’s frustrated ‘Steven!’
‘Hey!’ he said to the boy, who was still by the teeter-totter, watching him curiously. ‘Sorry, what’s your name?’
The boy was silent for a moment, as if thinking about his answer, which Steve thought was weird, because who had to think about their name? Eventually, however, he said, ‘Eddie,’ holding his hand out. When Steve stared at it, Eddie said, with a smile, ‘you shake it, Stevie.’
Steve did, smiling at the formality of it. ‘Where’s your mom?’ he asked, looking around at the now empty playground, the other kids long gone.
Eddie’s face took on an unreadable expression, and he looked away. He mumbled something like ‘Busy today,’ and Steve nodded.
‘Okay. Thanks again Eddie!’ he called as he ran back towards the exit.
As he walked with his mom to the car, her huffing indignantly next to him, he asked, ‘Hey, mom, how come Eddie doesn’t go to my school?’
She sniffed as she unlocked the door. ‘Well, Steven, we pay for your school. He probably goes to the public school.’
‘Oh,’ Steve replied, settling into the passenger seat. ‘I’d like to go to school with him.’
His mom rolled her eyes, started the engine. ‘Sweetie, you don’t know him. You’ve got your own friends already.’
He doesn’t say anything to that, doesn’t say how he doesn’t, really. How he gets picked last when they play games at lunch, how the girls laugh at his hair, how the boys push into him in the dinner queue. How he’d rather take his chances at the public school.
They drive away, and Steve thinks about how Eddie had smiled even wider when he’d realised he was making Steve laugh.
-
He’s thinking about that meeting when he sees Eddie again in the boathouse. How Eddie was one of the first people he remembers ever showing him kindness.
He hangs back as everyone is leaving, clears his throat once they’re alone, aware it’ll only be a for a moment. He says, ‘Eddie. I’m really sorry that all this is happening to you. We’re going to help, I promise.’
Eddie meets his gaze from where he’s sat, his eyes still wide and vulnerable, and his voice is quiet when he replies. The response cuts through Steve, when it comes. ‘I know how much your promises are worth, Steve.’
-
Steve ended up playing with Eddie pretty much every Thursday afternoon at the park, where they cycled through the various rides regularly, ignoring all the other kids and building their own world. Steve would complain about school, and Eddie would complain about school, and then Steve would complain about his dad, and Eddie would complain about his dad. They formed the kind of fast and easy friendship that only really comes with youth, and it absolutely delighted Steve’s mom, who was finally seeing her son play freely and happily.
Eddie had charmed her as easily as he had charmed Steve, with his wide eyes and wide smile, and his penchant for shaking hands. When they arrived at the park, Eddie was always already there, and he’d always picked a flower from one of the nearby flowerbeds, presenting it to her with a flourish that made her smile. Eddie called her ‘Mrs Harrington’, and listened to her intently when she spoke about her day, and when she complained about traffic.
One week, she asked, ‘Eddie, sweetheart, is your mom around? I’d love to speak to her about arranging a playdate at ours someday.’
Steve had watched Eddie make about a hundred faces in the space of a second before he answered. ‘She, she works late. But she wouldn’t mind!’ he said, fixing a big smile on his face. ‘I’d love to come and play!’
Steve had looked up at his mom then, also smiling, but she was looking down at them both sadly. ‘Honey, I can’t just take you home without checking with your folks first.’ She looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘Do you know your home number? I can give them a call when they’re around.’
Eddie nodded slowly. ‘We have a phone, I think. I’ll ask about the number.’
Steve’s mom smiled. ‘Great. Go play now!’
The next Thursday, Eddie had come back not with a phone number, but with an older man, who shook Steve’s mom hand and smiled. ‘Nice to meet ya,’ he said. ‘I’m Wayne.’
‘Isabelle,’ Steve’s mom said. ‘Are you Eddie’s dad?’
Wayne shook his head. ‘’Fraid not,’ he said, looking down at Eddie, whose eyes were fixed on his shoes. ‘I’m his Uncle. Bit complicated, but Eddie stays with me a lot. He mentioned something ‘bout a play date?’
That Saturday Eddie went round to Steve’s, Wayne waving goodbye at the door and promising to be back in a few hours. Steve took Eddie from room to room, proudly showing off all of his favorite toys and games, before settling in his room.
‘How come you don’t live with your mom?’ Steve asked, somewhat absently.
Eddie shrugged, pushing forward one of Steve’s toy cars. ‘I don’t know. They don’t really tell me much stuff. Sometimes she and my dad are just gone and then Wayne comes and picks me up.’
‘Wayne seems nice.’
Eddie smiled, then. ‘Oh Wayne’s the best! He makes mac and cheese and picks me up from school and stuff, and sometimes he comes to parent-teacher conferences, and he gives me books to read and games and stuff.’
Steve tried not to think too hard about how those weren’t all exactly fun things, and surely those were things that his mom and dad were doing anyway? But whatever.
When Wayne arrived later to take Eddie home, he and Steve hid in Steve’s closet, giggling, pretending to not be there so Eddie didn’t have to go. They could hear Wayne and Isabelle outside the door, Wayne saying, ‘Oh man, if I can’t find Eddie then I don’t know who’s going to eat all the pizza I bought,’ and then Eddie was, only somewhat reluctantly, revealing where he and Steve had been hiding.
Eddie started going to Steve’s for playdates regularly after that, and Steve’s mom delighted in how much happier her son had been since meeting Eddie. He and his uncle might not have been part of the usual crowd that they hung out with (or that Nicholas approved of) but Steve hadn’t exactly been happy at school for a long time, and seeing him play so freely with another boy – well. It was something she wanted to last for as long as possible.
-
Steve had known that Dustin and the kids were hanging out with Eddie, and every time Dustin mentioned him it twisted something in his stomach, because he wanted, desperately, to ask after him. Wanted to ask about Wayne, about graduation, even about DnD.
He couldn’t, of course. It would invite more questions than he would have been able to answer, and he also knows that he’s not entitled to any part of Eddie’s life. Not anymore. It’s why he says no to playing DnD when Dustin calls him, it’s why he always waits outside when picking the kids up from Hellfire.
It’s what he’s thinking about every time he sees Eddie over the course of the next few days. The fact that Eddie has a whole life that Steve’s not a part of anymore. He’s been thinking about it for years, if he’s honest, every time they passed in the school hallway, every class they took together where they deliberately sat as far from each other as possible.
They’re civil, and then they’re walking through the Upside Down, and they’re walking next to each other again, and Steve thinks he sees the playground out of the corner of his eye, and Eddie says ‘Anything going on with you and Wheeler?’
Steve shakes his head. ‘Nah man, not anymore.’
‘Does she know?’
Steve snorts. ‘Yeah, I think she figured it out when she dumped me.’
Eddie sighs. ‘You know that’s not what I mean.’
Steve slows, and Eddie slows with him, and Steve looks at the side of Eddie’s face. ‘I know,’ he says, after a pause. ‘I’m sorry,’ he adds, and Eddie looks up at Steve, and their eyes meet, and Steve’s heart drops. They’re still walking, and Steve feels bold. ‘I really am. I was such an asshole, to everybody, but especially to you, and I just – ‘ he stops, reaches out a hand that touches the edge of Eddie’s jacket. ‘I really am sorry. And I’ve really missed being your friend, since everything.’
Eddie’s looking at him with an unreadable expression, eyes as wide as they always are. Eventually he swallows, and says, ‘Never thought I’d actually hear King Steve apologize,’ which makes Steve roll his eyes.
‘Don’t call me that, man. I’m trying to be sincere here.’
Eddie smiles, just a little. ‘Sorry. Never been good at touchy-feely stuff.’
Steve knows this to be untrue.
Eddie continues. ‘It was fucked up, what happened, and you were a dick. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed you too.’
Steve smiles, and he and Eddie start walking again. ‘Besides,’ Eddie adds. ‘Seems like you’re not so much of a dick anymore.’
Steve elbows him gently, and feels a weight lift.
-
Steve didn’t pass the exam that he needed to in order to go to the private middle school his parents wanted him to, and his dad was furious. To the point where Steve actually thought he might get hit. He didn’t, but given the way his dad’s eyes were bulging, and the way his mom went to almost shield him, it seemed like a possibility.
He’d had a sleepover planned round at Eddie’s on the day they got the letter, and his dad had wanted to ground him, but his mom faced him resolutely, and said, ‘He didn’t fail on purpose to upset you, Nick! We always knew this was a possibility and punishing him for struggling with school isn’t going to help! Can’t you see how upset he is?’
She’d gestured to Steve’s tear-stained face, and then had turned to Steve, saying, ‘Go grab your bag, honey, and we’ll head over to Eddie’s early, okay?’
Steve had nodded, sniffing, and run quickly up the stairs to his room, willing himself to stop crying, because he didn’t want to ruin his sleepover by being upset, and he didn’t want Eddie or Wayne to worry about him.
His mom was silent and angry on the drive over to the trailer park, and she kept sneaking glances at Steve on the journey. When they pulled up, about an hour earlier than planned, she put a hand on Steve’s shoulder, and said, ‘Your dad loves you very much, okay? He’s just being thoughtless.’
And Steve had nodded, and then the door to Eddie’s trailer had opened and Eddie was there with a big grin, shouting, ‘Steve!’ and Steve wasn’t so upset anymore.
His mom and Wayne had a conversation in the kitchen while Eddie showed him some figurines in his room, and Steve heard his mom call out, ‘Bye honey!’
It was then that he turned to Eddie and said, ‘My dad’s real mad, cos I’m too stupid to get into the fancy school.’
Which made Eddie furrow his brows. He replied, ‘Huh?’
‘You have to take a test to get into the private middle school, and I failed. Mom said she thought that I’d probably fail and I did. Dad nearly made me not come tonight, but Mom got angry with him.’
Eddie leaned forward then. ‘There’s no way you’re stupid, Steve. You’re like, the best person I know!’
Steve sighed. ‘Thanks. I’ve always been bad at school, though, so maybe they’re right.’
‘Wait,’ Eddie said, suddenly, eyes bright. ‘Does that mean you’re coming to Hawkins Middle?’
Which made Steve sit up. ‘Oh yeah! I guess I must be!’
Eddie pushed forward, and wrapped his arms around Steve, and Steve held him back. ‘That’s so great! We’re gonna be at school together, dude!’
Steve grinned. ‘We can be best friends forever!’
Eddie pulled back. ‘Yeah? You promise?’
Steve held his hand out, just like he’d seen his dad do when completing business deals. ‘Promise.’
Eddie shook his hand.
-
When they’re in Eddie’s trailer, looking for a way back to Hawkins, Steve thinks about when Eddie was 10, and moved in with Wayne permanently after his dad went to prison for the first time and his mom just upped and left. He thinks about how, even before then, it was always Wayne’s place that he’d visited when going to see Eddie, and he thinks about how he only met Eddie’s mom once, and how she’d kind of laughed at Steve’s hair.
Wayne was always really kind to Steve, just like Eddie had been. He wonders, idly, how Wayne’s coping with all this.
-
Even though Eddie was in the year above him at Hawkins Middle, he and Steve had been inseparable at school. Every break and lunch they spent together, and then they’d hang out after school, at the basketball courts, or at one of their places. They both sometimes wondered if they should have more than just one friend, but the thought of choosing to spend time with anyone else had always just seemed – pointless? They had each other, and that was more than enough.
It wasn’t until High School that things started to change. Eddie had already been there a year when Steve went up, and in that year he’d made some friends that introduced him to DnD, and metal music, and in those 12 months where they were in different schools again, Steve started to feel that gap be created.
They’d still hang out after school and at the weekends, and it still felt the same. Eddie was still the best and only friend Steve had ever really had. Only Eddie started wearing darker colors, and growing his hair out, and he sometimes cancelled plans for DnD, or to practice guitar.
‘My goodness Eddie!’ his mom had once said when they were demolishing a roll of cookie dough in the kitchen. ‘Your hair!’
She pulled on a long, dark lock fondly, and Eddie smiled at her. ‘Yeah, let me know if you need any conditioner recommendations,’ which made her laugh.
Later, when she’d dropped Eddie home, she said to Steve, ‘Eddie’s not getting into any trouble is he? I know there are some funny crowds hanging about Hawkins.’
Steve had shrugged. Eddie was fine, just had a couple extra hobbies and a few new friends, and Steve told her as much.
‘Keep an eye on him when you get to High School, okay?’ she said, running a soft hand over his head. ‘That poor boy’s been through enough. Kids can be unkind about kids that are different.’
-
Steve’s carrying Eddie’s near lifeless body through the Upside Down, Dustin running ahead to get help, and it should be difficult, carrying such a dead weight, but Steve can’t think, can’t register the weight of Eddie in his arms, can only move and step and move some more.
And as he’s hurrying, loose fingers find their way to Steve’s arm, and Steve glances down, and Eddie’s eyes are open and on him. ‘Stevie,’ he says, voice weak and wet.
Steve looks up and keeps looking forward, can’t think too much about how pale Eddie is. ‘Hey man, I’m getting you out of here,’ he says, trying to keep his voice strong, trying to just stay strong, for Eddie. For himself.
‘Stevie,’ Eddie continues, fingers more insistent now. ‘I’m sorry, for before.’
Steve shakes his head, can see the gate, can almost hear Dustin calling for them. ‘You got nothing to apologise for, okay? Just stay awake for me, can you do that?’
Eddie coughs, then, blood spilling from his mouth. ‘I’d do anything for you, Stevie, you know that.’ It’s said almost with a laugh, but it sounds true, and Steve falters his steps slightly.
And Steve thinks that it doesn’t just sound true, but it is true. He knows it is.
‘Great. Stay alive.’
‘Why?’ Eddie asks, eyes sliding closed, and Steve holds him tighter. ‘Would you miss me?’ His voice is mumbled and sleepy, and Steve feels a tear slip down his cheek.
‘I just got you back, Eddie,’ he says, quietly, and Eddie’s eyes are open again, wider than before.
‘Steve –‘ he starts, but Steve’s brain is going, now, and he needs to say this, because what if this is his last chance?
‘I missed you every second we weren’t friends, and I fucking hate the way that I treated you, and I hate who I became when we stopped being friends. I hate that I pretended it didn’t mean the same to me that it did to you, because of course it did, it meant everything, and I hate the years that I wasted treating you like nothing, and if I could go back, I –‘
He looks down, and Eddie’s eyes are closed, and the gate’s right there, and Dustin’s helping Eddie through, and there are flashing lights on the other side and there are tears running down Steve’s cheeks that everyone’s ignoring, and Steve thinks about how much he wishes he could go back in time.
-
Eddie was 16 and fidgety, perched on the edge of Steve’s bed like it was the first time he’d ever been there, and he and Steve had been trying desperately to figure out what a Mockingbird was for the last hour because neither of them were exactly geniuses, and Steve had sighed and said, ‘Dude, what’s up with you today? You okay?’
And Eddie had taken a breath, and said, ‘Stevie, I gotta tell you something and you gotta promise not to freak out.’
Which made Steve sit up and scoot closer to Eddie, until he was sitting on the floor by his feet. ‘What’s wrong?’
Eddie took a deep breath. ‘Nothing I’m about to say is gonna change who I am, okay?’
Steve stood then. ’Eddie, you’re really scaring me, what’s going on?’ He sat next to Eddie on the bed. ‘Come on, you can tell me anything, you know that.’
And it was true, that there really were no secrets between them. Steve knew all about Eddie’s shitty family drama and that time he got arrested for smoking weed behind the bike racks at the school, and Eddie knew about Steve’s cruel father and downtrodden mother, and they’ve been friends for long enough that there’s nothing that would make a difference.
When Eddie was silent a little longer, Steve added, ‘Eds, come on. It’s you and me, right?’ He held a hand out, palm up, and Eddie looked at it a moment, before bringing his hand down and interlocking their fingers.
He took a breath. Paused. Said, ‘I’m gay.’
He had his eyes closed, face turned away from Steve as if expecting some kind of assault, and Steve squeezed his hand. ‘Okay,’ Steve says, and Eddie turned back, eyes wide and open.
‘Yeah?’ he asked.
Steve smiled. ‘Of course.’ He squeezed Eddie’s hand again. ‘Like I said. It’s you and me.’
-
It didn’t change anything, except it also did. Everything was the same, except Steve was now thinking about Eddie more, and thinking about Eddie and other boys, which lead to Steve thinking about Eddie and Steve.
One night they were in Eddie’s trailer after school, shooting the shit about nothing in particular, except Steve was suddenly zeroed in on Eddie’s lips, and he couldn’t do anything except stare, and then Eddie was clicking his fingers in Steve’s face, breaking Steve’s train of thought about whatever, and he was laughing, and saying, ‘You okay, Stevie?’
And Steve had nodded, hoarsely, saying, ‘Sorry, don’t know where my brain went.’
Eddie laughed, throwing his head back, and said, ‘A mystery that began a long time ago, my friend,’ and Steve was dazzled, momentarily, by Eddie’s smile.
And, okay. Steve had always known that Eddie was good looking. For as long as Steve had known him, he’d had big brown eyes and a bright smile and a warm heart, and since his hair had grown out he’d taken to twirling it around his fingers absent-mindedly, and, okay, maybe this had been a thing for longer than Steve had realised.
But there was no-one more important to him than Eddie. And he didn’t want to lose the one person that had ever looked out for him, besides his mom.
It didn’t need to be a thing.
-
Except, then it did.
When Steve was a junior and Eddie was a senior and they’d sneaked a bottle of liquor from Steve’s dad’s drinks cabinet, and they were out by the lake sharing swigs and laughing at nothing, at the stars maybe, and Steve had felt brave, and asked, ‘How did you know?’
Eddie had raised an eyebrow. ‘Know what?’
Steve waved a hand. ‘You know… that you were… gay.’ He’d said the last word in a whisper even though there’d been no-one around, and Eddie had laughed, leaned in close.
‘I’m not sure you could handle my answer,’ he said, voice low.
And Steve had leaned in closer. ‘Yeah? Try me.’
Eddie’s eyes dropped down to Steve’s lips, and Steve darted out a tongue almost unconsciously.
‘Well,’ Eddie started, taking a breath. ‘There’s this boy.’
Steve nodded. Locked eyes with Eddie. ‘Who?’
Eddie smiled sadly, eyes still fixed on Steve’s. He took a moment before answering. When he did, he was quiet. ‘I think you know.’
And Steve had nodded again. Leaned closer. Pressed his lips to Eddie’s.
-
Things continued to change even as they stayed the same. Eddie and Steve were still inseparable, still attached at the hip, still fitting in their separate interests in the gaps in their schedule. Except, they were also able to kiss, and hold each other, and hold hands, and talk about the future.
They knew, even as they fell asleep next to each other, that what they were sharing was for them only, that they couldn’t tell anyone about what they were discovering in one another, but they found that they didn’t care. There was some kind of solace in the quiet secret of their togetherness.
Eddie and Steve being EddieandSteve just worked.
Over the next 8 months, they discovered more of each other than they’d known before, pressed curious and shy hands against one another and around one another and into one another, whispered sweet words of love after dark.
It was during these months that Eddie had first pinned him against a wall, intense, passionate, pressed their chests, hips, mouths together, set every nerve in Steve’s body alight. Steve had grabbed at Eddie, pulled him closer, relished in him being so near.
Wayne and Steve’s mom would look at them in a way that suggested but didn’t say, turned a blind eye when they slept in late and came from their room dishevelled. Eddie told Steve, with a shudder, about Wayne pressing a box of condoms into his hand with a pointed look, and Steve hadn’t been able to look Wayne in the eye for a week after that.
Regardless? It was good. It was all so good.
-
Eddie had never been very good at school, and over the course of his senior year, he’d found himself too distracted by DnD and music, and Steve, to really try that hard. He’d kind of assumed that everybody graduated, that you only didn’t if you like, actively started shit, or something.
And he’d said as much to Steve on the day he found out he wasn’t going to be walking, freaking out in the middle of Steve’s fancy bedroom.
‘I mean, fuck, how have I managed to fuck up this badly? I didn’t think I was actually an idiot!’
Steve had reached out his hands, smoothing them down Eddie’s arms, taking his hands in his. ‘You’re not an idiot. School just sucks. What’s one extra year?’
Eddie shrugged his hands away from Steve’s. ‘Easy for you to say, you’re not being labelled a clinical moron.’
‘Eddie –‘
‘Steve, seriously, baby, you might as well cut your losses right now and go find yourself some academic brainiac who actually has a future-‘
Steve cut him off with a hard kiss, pulling back slightly, fisting a hand in Eddie’s t-shirt. ‘Don’t fucking talk about yourself like that, okay?’
They kissed again, fell into each other again, and then the door had opened, and Steve’s dad had stood there as they sprang apart, chests heaving.
And what had followed had been – well. Steve’s got a lot of regrets.
-
Nicholas Harrington had told Steve in no uncertain terms, once Eddie had been rushed out of the door with fear in his eyes, that unless he cut off any and all contact with Eddie, he had friends who would make life damn near impossible for both Eddie and Wayne in Hawkins. He said this in a way that suggested life would also be impossible for Steve, and Steve swallowed at the feeling in his throat.
He remembered two men who had moved to town together when he was about 12, how one of them had ended up in the hospital and how they’d both left a month later. Thought about the weirdly proud smile his dad had worn when the news had been reported in the paper, with a muttered ‘good riddance’. Thought about seeing Eddie with any kind of bruise.
He couldn’t really think about not seeing Eddie anymore. The thought was ice in his chest.
‘Can we still be friends?’ he asked, tentatively.
‘No,’ his dad said immediately.’Make new friends.’
-
His dad stood over him as he made him call Eddie that evening, face like thunder.
Eddie had picked up immediately, breathlessly. ‘Steve, oh my god, are you okay?’
‘Eddie, I’m sorry, but I can’t see you again.’
There was a pause. ‘What did he say to you? Stevie, I’ll come pick you up, you can stay with me-‘
‘No,’ Steve interrupted, mind still fixed on the thought of a bruised, bloody Eddie. ‘I need to,’ he thought about his dad’s angry words. ‘I need to grow up, get serious. I’m not -. I’m not like you. I have –‘ he thought about what he could say to make Eddie stop trying, to make him give up on him, on them. ‘I have a future. I need someone with a future.’
There was silence on Eddie’s end, and Steve had felt the cruelty of his words even as they’d tumbled out of him.
‘I know you don’t mean that, Steve,’ Eddie said, slowly.’I know you love me. I love you. We can work this out. Whatever your dad said, we’ll work this out.’
Steve felt tears prick behind his eyes. Felt his dad’s gaze on him. ‘Eddie. I mean it. Don’t talk to me again.’
He hung up the phone. His dad stepped closer to him.
‘If I ever hear of you hanging around that boy again, you’ll wish you’d never been born.’
Steve believed him.
-
Eddie tried several times to speak to Steve at school, and each time Steve avoided him. He made friends with Tommy H and Carol, knowing that Eddie had never liked them, hoping it would make him less likely to try to talk to Steve. He found himself being crueller than necessary to random kids, no longer buoyed by the automatic optimism that Eddie had always brought to his day. By the time the school year ended, Eddie had given up trying.
On the day that would have been Eddie’s graduation, Steve tried not to think too hard about how he’d broken up with Eddie on the day he found out he wouldn’t be walking. He hoped that Wayne had looked after Eddie that day.
He started dating Nancy, liked how she made him better than he had been since he’d lost Eddie, liked her spark and her energy, fell in love with her in an imitation of what he’d felt for Eddie. It had felt occasionally unkind, like something of a lie, but then Nancy told him he was bullshit; it turned out they were lying to each other.
He mourned the nearly 10 years of friendship that he’d lost, fought monsters, watched Eddie from the corner of his eye every chance that he got. Never stopped watching. Resented his father. Shrunk under his mother’s pitying eyes, while resenting her for not stepping in. Missed Eddie. Pretended he didn’t. Watched as Eddie threw himself into the life he built up for himself. Gritted his teeth when Eddie started dealing, wished he could have helped keep him away from all that.
And then? Vecna.
-
Eddie survives. It’s a miracle of medicine and Steve cries when he hears the news. Nancy and Robin give him a strange look, and he has to excuse himself, step into the bathroom, breathe in and out in a technique that Eddie taught him when he’d had a panic attack when he was about 15.
The nurses let him into Eddie’s room, and he immediately takes the seat next to Eddie’s head, reaches out for his hand, eyes fixed on the bruises on Eddie’s face. Bruises he’d fought with himself for years to never see. Eddie is small and pale, and Steve brushes a lock of hair from his forehead.
Robin and Dustin are in the room with them, and Dustin says ‘Steve.’
Steve sighs, wants to explain but isn’t sure how he can. In the end, he says, ‘We were friends, a while ago.’ He pauses.’We talked about leaving Hawkins, after graduation. Moving to Chicago.’ Robin’s stepping closer, places a hand on his shoulder. He tries to come up with the words to explain what happened next. Settles on, ‘But I was an asshole. I treated him like shit.’
-
Steve’s determined to be there when Eddie wakes up. The nurses and doctors make him leave every now and then, but he has special permission from some high up doctor for some reason, and so he’s allowed to be there basically 24/7. Robin brings him spare clothes and food, looks at him in a way that says ‘we’ll talk about all this later’, and four days after he escapes certain death, Eddie wakes up.
Steve’s there, but he’s asleep, his head pillowed on the bed near Eddie’s elbow. So then it’s Steve that wakes next, to soft fingers running through his hair.
When he realises what’s happening Steve shoots his head up, eyes wide.
‘Eddie,’ he says, breathlessly.
Eddie smiles. ‘Been a while since we woke up together, huh?’
Steve smiles back. ‘God,’ he reaches for Eddie’s hand again. ‘I was sure you were a goner.’
Eddie squeezes Steve’s fingers. ’Can’t get rid of me that easily.’
Steve huffs out a laugh. ‘Eddie. I owe you a thousand apologies and a thousand explanations. My –‘
‘Your dad said if you didn’t break things off with me there would be dire consequences, or something. You were 17 and scared. I get it.’ He looks sad as he says it.
‘He said he’d hurt you and Wayne. He’s done stuff before, and I – I wouldn’t care if it was me but – I couldn’t bear it if you got hurt because of me.’ He pauses. ‘Although I guess you did anyway.’
Eddie smiles sadly. ‘Broken heart or broken face, right?’
Steve looks away for a moment, ashamed. He eventually takes another breath, and says, ‘I should never have let him get to me. I should have fought harder for you.’
Eddie looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘We’ve done a lot of fighting recently. Wanna do some more?’
-
Their place in Chicago is small, a one bed with a kitchen that barely fits two people in, and their balcony looks out over a popular place for drug deals.
Steve loves it. Loves even more that it’s his and Eddie’s, loves rubbing in his dad’s face the fact that he’s not afraid of him anymore, that there are police already on Steve’s side, that he can’t hurt Eddie or Wayne.
He doesn’t know how he got so lucky. He doesn’t feel like he deserves Eddie in any reality, let alone this one. Every morning that he wakes up with Eddie he counts his blessings that he forgave Steve, that he loves him, that he never stopped.
‘Hey Harrington,’ Eddie says, interrupting Steve’s train of thought. ‘What’s going on in that brain of yours?’
Steve looks to Eddie from where he’s leaning on the balcony railing. ‘Not a lot. Just thinking about you and me.’
Eddie smiles, moves next to Steve. ‘Yeah.’ He grins. ‘You and me.’