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There is an expectation that healing is linear.
Time heals all, and time moves steadily onward, so one might be able to argue that healing should be a steady process. That each day will bring some small incremental bit of recovery. That it can be charted with a line moving steadily upwards, and after a while the pain will fade into dull memory, and the guilt that comes with it too.
This is, of course, nonsense.
While time gives reprieve, that blind expectation that time equals progress leaves out the bad days. The moments that blindside you when you think you’ve already put a thought to rest, only for it to suddenly be at the forethought of your mind, words caught on your tongue and your heart in your throat where mere moments ago, everything had been ok.
Kujou Sara was intimately familiar with this.
She had seen it in her soldiers. In her brothers. In all of Inazuma. The entire nation was healing from the damage wrought by a civil war, and by all accounts they were making monumental progress in very little time. Kujou Sara argued with herself that she should be proud. Head up, shoulders thrown back, jaw set, a model general and a figure her men could look up to. Could derive hope from when they themselves struggled with the blood on their hands and the weight in their hearts.
But life didn’t work that way.
The reappearance of Kaedehara Kazuha within Inazuma had not been unexpected, but Sara had been slightly caught off guard at how soon after the nation’s borders reopened he had appeared. The Irodori Festival had been a logical cause for a return. She shouldn't have been surprised.
When he approached her, accompanied by the Traveller, he had asked if she remembered him still. Such a simple, foolish question. Of course she had. He had been a wanted criminal for years. And yet, when she had brought up the Vision Hunt Decree, he had not seemed upset. No, the man had spoken of convictions. Of struggles. He had called her a person of integrity.
That quiet mercy, Sara reckoned, might have done her more harm than good.
“Sara?”
There wasn’t a cloud in the sky above Tenshukaku, from the balcony Sara had a clear view as the setting sun painted soft indigo and softer pink over Inazuma.
“....Sara?”
Was she the reason that Kazuha did not desire to return to Inazuma? No. That was a self centered worry. The man’s clan had been in decline for generations, and he seemed a wanderer at heart. And yet, that familiar gnawing feeling had worked its way into the pit of her stomach again. A dull ache, bordering on nausea but not quite there yet. It had been months since she had seen him. Why was she thinking of this now…?
The sky was so, so beautiful, though.
How many had she prevented from watching another sunset?
“ General Kujou .”
The commanding tone of the Shogun ripped her from her thoughts, turning on her heel out of reflex as she snapped to attention. The Raiden Shogun stood at the door to the balcony, arms folded as her cold expression melted back into the warmth of Ei. Had her lover been trying to get her attention? She rarely referred to her by title in private, was she so far gone that even the word of her Goddess could not-
“Stop that,” Ei warned, though her tone held no bite. “You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?” Sara mumbled, cursing the way her voice betrayed her discomfort. She sounded like a child caught beside a broken vase, and she was starting to feel like one too. “I was just… thinking.”
“I know, my darling,” Ei sighed, moving to brush Sara’s hair from her face and letting her fingers linger there a while. “Are these thoughts so private that we cannot share them? I won’t pry, but you seem distant. I called you twice before the Shogun got your attention.”
Ah, well, you see my love, I’m just thinking of all the people I killed in your name.
Oh, it’s nothing, Ei, just contemplating how much I have to repair before I make up for what we did together.
Well, I wouldn’t worry about it, it’s just sometimes I feel like there’s a hole in my chest and I’m paralyzed thinking about whether or not I did what was right for Inazuma. For you.
“Do you remember Kaedehara Kazuha?” Was the only answer Sara could muster.
Ei blinked, violet eyes glowing faintly as the sky darkened behind Sara. She had not been expecting another question in response, but it was clear this was plaguing Sara, so she gave it some thought.
“I know of the Kaedehara Clan, and I am vaguely aware that the young heir left the country,” She recounted slowly, distracted by the way Sara ever so slightly leaned into the hand still caressing her face. This woman would be the end of her, she was certain. “I… wait.”
Sara blinked slightly as Ei’s expression shifted, her uncertainty melting away as a familiar intensity filled her eyes. Sara most often saw her like this when Ei was recounting a battle of some renown, or import.
“The young man with two visions,” she breathed, leaning forward slightly to look at Sara. “He blocked my Musou no Hitotachi. Why is he on your mind, Sara? Did he do something to you? Say something? I thought he had departed.”
“Do you remember his friend?” Sara asked softly.
“No, should I?” Ei frowned slightly. “What was his name?”
Ah.
What an excellent question.
Sara’s frown deepened, and something almost akin to a laugh escaped her. It was not a happy sound, though, and Ei found herself stepping back to give her general some space.
She could remember the fight. She remembered all duels before the throne she participated in. She had to. How could one forget such conviction? The exhilaration. Kazuha’s companion had not been the first to challenge her before the Shogun for his Vision, nor the last. He had, however, seemed uniquely at peace even in his failure. It had been a memorable fight, there had been moments where Sara herself had worried he would defeat her. That it would be her who the Shogun cut down.
But she didn’t even remember his name.
“I killed him,” Sara said in a voice that could scarcely be called a whisper. “He was a criminal. He had refused to hand over his Vision. So why…?”
“Why do you feel this way?” Ei offered, bringing up her other hand so that she could hold Sara’s face and regard her properly. “Why does it hurt?”
Sara could only nod, squeezing her eyes shut to prevent any tears that might try to form. She did not enjoy crying, least of all in front of Ei. She knew she could trust her lover with anything, be it joy or sorrow, but that didn’t make it any less mortifying to be in this state.
“Because you have done much for my sake, Sara,” Ei pressed a kiss to Sara’s lips while the Tengu’s eyes were still closed, and then another to her forehead. “Do you doubt what we did? Doubt the worthiness of our cause? The actions we took for the sake of eternity?”
“Yes.”
The word was blurted out, golden eyes meeting glowing violet as the air suddenly felt less calm. Sara’s heart was pounding in her chest, her hands balled into fists at her side, but the tension was not directed at Ei. No, she could never blame her, not truly, but this… this had been something she rarely spoke of. The uncertainty. Ei didn’t need this, Sara was certain. The woman already felt she had so much to make up for, to hear it from Sara…
“I would follow you anywhere, Ei,” Sara whispered, desperate to try and offer some sort of context. To not have the woman she loved think for a moment that Sara was blaming her. “I do not regret- no, I can not regret what we did, but maybe if I had noticed my father’s deception sooner then I could have perhaps-”
Ei lifted a finger to Sara’s lips, and the general fell silent.
“The Vision Hunt decree was a logical decision for the Shogun to make,” Ei dropped her hands, taking Sara’s wrists and guiding her back into the bedroom, away from the balcony. “I do not fault the decision, it was how she was made to behave. But I, as the Archon of this nation, harmed my own people. I think about that often, Sara. But you would not have been able to dissuade us. Not then. The Shogun might have killed you, if you’d tried. And that is an outcome that is better off not thought about, for me at least.”
The Tengu nodded slowly, letting herself be led back into the room and gently pushed down to have a seat on one of the zaisu chairs situated around Ei’s tea table. The Archon made a slight motion to the teapot, a silent offer which Sara declined with a shake of her head. Instead Ei seated herself on the tatami beside Sara, ignoring any soft protests that the Almighty Shogun should not sit on the floor.
“I… wish that Kazuha had yelled at me,” Sara finally spoke, her gaze fixed on the polished surface of the table rather than Ei’s concerned gaze. “If he had yelled at me, or perhaps challenged me, I think that would have brought some catharsis. But he didn’t fault me. Despite my actions. And now I dwell on his friend, and the others like him. All the blood I spilled, all the Dendrobium that grew on battlefields I oversaw.”
“You wished him to be angry at you?” Ei shifted and reclined, resting her head in Sara’s lap so she could look up at her. It was not uncommon for Ei to do this, and thus without hesitation Sara moved to carefully unfasten her lover’s hairpieces, setting them on the table so that she could free her from her long braid.
“I think so.”
“Are you angry at me?” Ei smiled, no malice or hint of a trap in her voice. It was a genuine question, and one Sara was unprepared for. Her brows furrowed, the very portrait of concern and confusion at the mere thought.
“How could I ever be angry at you?” She frowned. “You only wanted what was best for this nation, for your Celestial Ideals. How can I… fault…”
Sara trailed off, sighing at the Yae Miko-esque smile that played across Ei’s lips. So it had been a trap.
“...it’s not that simple,” the Tengu mumbled, deflating. “To hold myself to that same thought.”
“Sara, I have lived mortal lifetimes, and shed enough blood to re-submerge Watatsumi in it,” Ei’s smile faded slightly, the night sky growing clouded but not yet threatening rain. “It will hurt. But who are we to one another, if not here to share in those burdens?”
Sara gave a small nod, closing her eyes once more in a vain attempt to hold back tears. Ei, with the power of the Shogun’s form, her command of Electro, and her seat as the Archon of Inazuma, could do nothing more than offer her company.
But to Sara, there was no greater gift, nor one more needed.
Mt. Yugou was a bittersweet place for Kujou Sara to tread. While the shrine at its peak was a place she held in high regard, she did not often wander the surrounding area. Some Tengu still lived secluded within the mountains, and Sara was rarely in the mood for seeing other Youkai.
Still, it was a risk she was willing to take.
It wasn’t much of a grave, truth be told. Just an old sword, one that she had seen years ago, and a dormant Vision which she was amazed nobody had stolen. The cat had been a surprise, however. White fur untouched by the dirt and rocks, the small creature had approached and promptly wound its way around Sara’s ankles, nearly sending the General stumbling head over heels. Ei, to her credit, had managed not to laugh as she found a place to sit some yards away, content to watch from a distance and give her lover all the space she needed.
Sara was used to visiting the graves of her comrades, and to reporting their deaths to their loved ones. It was her least favourite part of the job, but it was a necessary one. Now, though, she was at a loss for words.
She looked back at where Ei sat perched on a nearby ledge, one leg tucked underneath her and the other hanging off the edge. Her eyes were closed, and her expression relaxed. She would find no help from her, not unless it was requested.
Instead she turned back to face the sword, clearing her throat and trying to summon up some words to say through sheer willpower. Occupied, as she was, she failed to notice the cat trot away from her, its attention captured by something else; or the fact that Ei opened a single violet eye before closing it again, at peace with what she noticed.
“Just surely as the tide recedes into the ocean, so too can we mark the passage of time by its return,” A soft voice spoke from behind her. Sara did not turn, though her shoulders tensed slightly. “And so too do wanderers often find themselves back upon shores they once left behind. But this was an unexpected surprise, General Kujou.”
She turned then, geta sandals clicking against the stone as she looked down at the young man. Kazuha held a bottle of sake in one hand, and wore the ghost of a smile upon his lips. It was funny, how much older he looked here in the mountains compared to when he was at the Traveller’s side.
“I do not wish to intrude,” She spoke carefully, but Kazuha waved aside her words with a shake of his head.
“Nonsense. Come, General. Allow me to properly introduce the two of you.”