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I feel for you but when when did you believe you were alone
The first time I saw Patrick, I was five years old and starting my first day of kindergarten. My mother dropped me off and even prepared a lunch for me that was tucked away in my Batman lunch box. I was excited about all the new things I was going to learn and the people I was going to meet. I liked people, wanted to be friends with everyone.
I enter the classroom and take a look around. The floor is carpeted and there are tables with four chairs at each one. A behavior chart is on the wall beside the dry erase board with everyone's name on it. It's blue, one of my favorite colors at the time.
There are only four other kids in the room, who I couldn't wait to introduce myself to. I find the cubbies, put my lunch box and backpack into an empty one, then go to meet the kids.
"Hi," I greet cheerfully, a smile on my face. "my name's Pete."
They all look toward me but only two smile back.
"Hi!" This boy had the biggest smile I had ever seen. He had dark hair and was wearing this really cool dinosaur shirt. "I'm Brendon. This is Frank, Joe, Tyler, and Pat-" He looks around the room. "Where's Patrick?"
Joe randomly sits down in the middle of the floor and it makes me wonder why, but then I see that someone was standing behind him, who was probably hiding. I guessed that must be Patrick. Well now there's five other boys instead of four.
"There you are! Patrick, this is Pete." Brendon says.
Patrick sighs and flops over onto Joe's bed of hair, who just accepts it.
"Hi, Pete." He speaks in a quiet voice and seems to be the smallest of the group. Everything looked bigger than him, his glasses, his clothes, Joe's hair. But I thought he looked nice in his too big clothes.
"Hi." I say it again just for Patrick.
Not long after the introductions, more kids begin to flood in. A boy named Andy joined the little group and Tyler had ran off somewhere with a boy named Josh. Frank was chatting away with someone I didn't catch the name of and Brendon was showing this boy all of his new crayons.
I distracted myself by looking at Patrick, not really meaning to stare but I couldn't resist. Patrick seemed so interesting and different from the others, despite him being the smallest in the class he stood out like a sore thumb. Well in my opinion he did.
"Patrick?" The boy looks up at me, his eyes bright and wide with curiosity. "You wanna eat lunch with me later?"
Patrick smiles and nods his head, his strawberry hair flopping as he did, and I grinned widely.
***
You say that spiders crawled inside and made themselves a home
Where light once was
I remember exactly what happened the day before I never saw my best friend again, it's almost like a scarring memory. But instead of my subconscious suppressing it, it turns into something it won't let me forget.
It was seventh grade. Patrick and I had a few classes together, ate lunch with our friends at the same lunch table everyday, walked home together. We were inseparable.
He spent the night at my house one weekend and we made a fort in my living room with all the freshly cleaned bedsheets and pillows. I knew my mom would be mad about it once she saw it but I didn't care, it's not like we were getting them dirty or anything. Anyway, the TV was inside the fort along with the couch (big fort, okay, we had a lot of sheets) and Spongebob was on. We pushed the coffee table to the side so we could lay on the floor, but Patrick sat cross-legged with a pillow in his lap instead.
"Why is Squidward such an ass?" I asked, but all I got in response was a punch in the arm and a, "Don't fucking swear." from Patrick.
I rubbed my arm where my friend's fist had collided with it then rolled over onto my back to glare at him properly.
"But you just said the 'F' word." I whined.
"I did?" I nodded. "It's your fault."
"How is it my fault?"
"You swear a lot. I hang out with you a lot." He shrugs. "Your personality rubbed off on me I guess."
"Yeah? Then you've been rubbing off on me too. I've been having this uncontrollable urge to wear hats all the time." I sat up and snatched the hat from his pretty little head and placed it on my own. But I turned it backwards so the bill wouldn't hit Patrick in the face, my hair poking out of the loop in the back.
"Happy you got your hat fix now?"
"Yup." I smiled then moved to sit behind Patrick, wrapping my arms and legs around him latching onto him like an octopus. He was used to me doing stuff like this, stealing his hat and clinging onto him. It was just something I always did.
I hooked my chin over his shoulder so I could see the TV and clasped my hands together at his waist.
"You're right," Patrick said. "Squidward is an ass."
We both laughed and I could feel Patrick's body vibrate against my chest as he did. I liked it when he laughed, whenever he laughed too hard he'd turn red and it'd just make me laugh even harder.
Petrified of who you are and who you have become
There were alot of things I did back then that neither I or Patrick gave much thought. Like when I'd drape myself all over him, or kiss him on the cheek, or hold hands. I just thought friends did that sometimes to show they cared about each other, because I really cared about Patrick and I know he cared about me.
Patrick wasn't nearly as affectionate as I was but he never pushed me away or told me to stop. Whenever I'd reach for his hand he'd always let me hold it in my own, he was usually the one who intertwined our fingers. It was like second nature and we didn't find it to be a big deal. But, of course, everyone else didn't see it that way.
It was dark and the only light we had was from the TV glowing inside our fort. I began drifting off to the cartoon-y sounds of Spongebob but was startled a bit when Patrick began to shift around.
"'M tired 'Trick." I murmured sleepily, not bothering to move.
"Then go to bed."
"Don't wanna."
Patrick chuckled. "Well you can't lay on my back all night, Pete."
All I did was whine and hold Patrick tighter. I didn't want to let go but he somehow got me to lay on the floor again, setting his own pillow down next mine so he could lay beside me.
I always enjoyed when Patrick spent the night at my house. He kept me calm and whenever I had nightmares, he'd soothe me and help me go back to sleep. So I tried to keep him as close as possible without being too clingy. Patrick didn't seem to mind.
We fell asleep with the TV still on and during the night I ended up with my arms wrapped around my best friend, resting my head on his chest. His body was warm and his steady heartbeat relaxed me. He automatically enclosed me in his arms, it was like a reflex for him since I clutched onto him so often. And I instantly felt better, safer, protected. I had a lot of problems at that age and Patrick always made me feel like a normal person. Like I actually belonged in the world.
But then this bright light suddenly started burning through my closed lids. I tried to ignore it by burying my face into Patrick's shirt, I could tell Patrick was trying to do the same because he tightened his hold and attempted to roll us away from the light. Then there was this soft, faint sound of fabric hitting the carpet. The sheets, someone knocked them down, destroying our fort.
"What the hell is this?!"
You hide away from everyone denying you need someone
To exterminate your bones
That voice, it sounded like my dad. He seemed angry but I didn't know why, Patrick and I hadn't done anything wrong so why was he yelling at us?
My eyes shot open when I felt Patrick being pulled away from me, forced out of my arms by my father.
"Pete!" Patrick shouted, he reached out for me as I did for him and we caught each other's hands, refusing to let go. This only made my dad more furious.
"Let go this instant! I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in my house!"
What kind of behavior was he talking about? What could we have possibly done that was so bad that Patrick had to be taken away from me? It didn't make sense, Patrick and I were only sleeping. Where was my mother, why wasn't she here to stop this?
Tears were streaming down Patrick's face and I was full on crying my eyes out by this point, but I kept a tight grip on him. He reached his other hand out, holding my wrist as I tried to pull him back.
At that moment I saw my mother, she was standing behind my dad with the house phone pressed to her ear. She looked angry too, I wondered who she was on the phone with. Her mouth was set in a tight line, her brow furrowed in annoyance, and I still couldn't figure this out. What was I missing here?
My dad pulled Patrick harder, his tiny feet lifting off the floor as he tried his best to hold on. It almost looked like I was going to win this game of tug-of-war, that is before my mom hung up the phone and stood where mine and Patrick's hands connected.
"I've had enough of this." She muttered before grabbing my arm and yanking it back, making me lose my grip and allowing my dad to carry Patrick away.
Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me
"Patrick!" I cried. "Where are you taking him?! Bring him back!"
"His parents will deal with him." My mother answered, still gripping me so tight it felt like I was losing circulation.
I sniffled. "Where's dad taking him? He's not gonna get hurt is he? He needs to be okay I...I love him, mom." And I did, deeply. He was my best friend, had been since kindergarten, and he meant the world to me. But me saying those words didn't make my mother very happy.
She glared daggers at me then pulled me up off the floor, dragging me towards the stairs. I was able to see Patrick struggling against my dad's hold but he couldn't get free.
He shouted one last time, "Let me go, he needs me! Pete!" before he's carried away out the front door, slamming shut, and I'm dragged upstairs.
"Patrick..." I whimpered, wiping my eyes with the back of my free hand. But the tears wouldn't stop.
I know you want to leave but friend, please don't take your life away from me
The only thing I had to remember that night was Patrick's trucker, which was still firmly placed on my head.
***
And this is where I am now, standing on the rooftop of some building downtown in the pouring rain. It was the only one I could get access to without being questioned and it was the tallest one within five miles of my house.
I haven't seen Patrick in years, not since that night my world just plummeted like a meteor. I missed him more and more everyday, so much that I'd cry during the night begging any god that existed to bring him back to me. It never happened though, and it made me feel more worthless than I did already. Like no one would listen to me, like no matter how loud I'd yell I knew was being ignored.
Living like a ghost you walk by everyone you know
Patrick wasn't just my best friend, he was my armor. Protecting me from my troubled mind and worrying thoughts, and at some point I knew those things were going to break me. But I felt confident that Patrick would always hold me together, keep me from falling apart.
I was right, if only for a little while.
Once he was gone my life turned into a nightmare. My mom didn't treat me the same, my dad became an alcoholic, they fought almost every night and it was always about me. Something about me being a 'homo' as they put it. I didn't know what the word meant at the time but my parents threw it around like a bullet, saying it in negative context. But now I understand. They didn't want a gay son and apparently the way Patrick and I acted together was the definition of homosexuality. So I love Patrick, big fucking deal. Suddenly we were disgusting in the eyes of the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally.
I was tired of being hit, tired of being neglected, tired of being abused, tired of suffering just because I loved someone. I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, the only way I can escape this hell is death. I'll shake hands with them, seal the deal, and never have to hurt again. Because that's all I really want, relief. I just want the pain to stop.
I was ready to end it all. I'm not afraid to die anymore, now I look forward to it.
You say that you're fine but you have lost your sway and glow
So I stopped by to let you know
I brought Patrick's old hat with me today, the only thing that has kept me alive all these years. In hopes he'd return for his hat, or I'd maybe just catch a glimpse of him somewhere. I wonder how he's doing, if he's going through a pain similar to mine. But I wouldn't even wish my life upon my worst enemy. I hope he's okay.
I sat on the ledge of the building as the heavy drops of rain pelted my skin, like tiny pebbles falling from the sky. Patrick's trucker was soaked and so were my clothes but that was the least of my troubles. I placed the hat on my head, turning it backwards so my water-soaked hair peeked out of the loop. Then I turned around, looking at the other buildings get drenched in the downpour. It's nice when it rains.
"Hey!"
Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me
The voice startled me a bit and I quickly faced forward to see who it was. Someone else was on the rooftop with me, clothes also soaked to the skin, stepping toward me. It was a boy, and as he stepped closer I noticed that his eyes were rimmed red like he'd been crying. Or maybe he was still crying, the rain made it hard to tell.
He stood directly in front of me, just staring at me with dull blue eyes. I get the feeling they've been much brighter before today.
"What are you doing up here?" He asked.
"I could ask you the same thing."
He shrugged. "Long story..." Then he looked up at the hat on my head, eying it in recognition. "Where'd you get that?"
"This?" I gestured to material pulled snugly over my head, the boy nodded. "A friend of mine. He left it at my house a long time ago after he... um, he was taken from me..." Tears welled up in my eyes. "My life turned to shit after that and... I, I miss him so much, I just..."
I know you want to leave but friend, please don't take your life away from me
My words got choked up in my throat as the tears began to fall. Even talking about him was painful, it made my heart ache just to think of him.
"I lost my friend too," The boy speaks looking away, his voice wavering a bit. "He was the only friend I had that didn't leave me behind. My parents said I liked him too much and that it wasn't right. But he... he needed me and I cared about him, I-I...I loved him. Pete was everything to me."
As he whimpered the last sentence I realized who the boy was. How could I have been so blind?
"P-Patrick?"
Would you let me know your plans tonight
He connects eyes with me again, looking into them confusedly before he's hit with familiarity. He remembers me, and by what I can tell, he can feel every bit of my pain.
"Pete. You- oh my god,"
He pulls me to my feet then embraces me, holding on tight as he let more tears fall. I cried along with him, gripping the back of his shirt while I buried my face in the crook of his neck. This is what I've been wanting since I was twelve years old, for my one and only friend to come back to me. But what would happen after this? What happens when we go back to our own homes? I'd run away with him if I could, get us as far away from here as possible and never look back. But that's just a fantasy, we won't live happily ever after like in the movies. Even though I wished we could. But if we go our separate ways, I know we'll just spiral back down into the pit we climbed out of. That can't happen to us again, I won't let it. Not again.
"I was going to jump." I tell him.He pulls back so he could look at me directly, face streaked with tears.
"So was I."
"My parents... they-"
Patrick nods his head."I know, me too."
I sat back down on the ledge, bringing Patrick with me. He sits in my lap, facing me and wrapping his arms around my neck as I wrapped mine around his waist. I missed having him so close, I feel safe again.
'Cause I just won't let go 'til we both see the light
I rest my forehead against his. "I love you, 'Trick. I missed you so much."
"I love you too, Pete. I wish things could've been different."
"Me, too." I spoke softly. "But now we can be together."
Patrick nodded then gently pressed his lips against mine, soft and sweet like when we pecked each other's cheeks as kids. It brought back a swarm of sweet memories. I kissed him back and savored our first and last kiss together.
We broke apart, Patrick gazed at me with his wonderful eyes.
"Forever." He whispered with a soft smile.
And I have nothing else left to say
But I will listen to you all day, yes I will
I returned the smile and held Patrick tight. We both closed our eyes, getting lost in the sensation of the rain and each other's warmth. This is by far the happiest moment I've had since he left, and now we can both be happy.
I leaned backward until I no longer felt the ledge beneath me, but I had Patrick's body wrapped tight around mine to keep me comfort.
Our lips connected one last time as we fell like the heavy rain.
Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me
I know you want to leave but friend, please don't take your life a way from me