Chapter Text
“Is it that mystery man you’ve been chatting with?”
Artem’s interest was immediately peaked as he heard Rosa talking with her friend outside of Themis Law Firm. He had originally gone outside because Celestine insisted he get some fresh air, but now he was more invested in Rosa and her friend’s conversation. What mystery man was she talking about? He knew Rosa hadn’t been texting him, at least not enough to raise this much suspicion from her friends.
He tried to listen in, but by the time he got close enough Artem watched Rosa wave goodbye to her friend as said friend headed in his direction. “Just a friend my ass, if this really isn’t what I think it is, then I’ve wasted half of my life watching S-Drama’s for nothing…” She mumbled. That’s when she noticed Artem.
“Oh!” The girl startled, then looked up at the awkward attorney. “Hello sir!” She greeted cheerfully. Artem scrambled to remember the woman’s name, but nothing came to mind other than that she was someone Rosa often talked to in the Canteen.
“Hello…” He replied, nervous to have been caught. Artem tried to look behind her towards Rosa, but his partner had already disappeared to wherever. Disappointed, he looked back to the young woman, who had an interesting look in her eyes.
“Rosa had to get going, she’s apparently going on a date later this week.” The girl said, carefully gauging his reaction.
Artem’s heart immediately felt a little crack. All this time, and Rosa was going out with someone. As he visibly slumped, the woman gave him a look of pity.
“Hey, if it makes you feel any better, apparently it’s not a strictly romantic thing. She said he’s just a friend.” The woman reassured Artem, putting a hand on his arm. Artem scowled. “Yes, that’s what Zhi Shu said too, and look what happened to him.” He muttered gloomily.
A gasp shook him from his self-pity. “YOU WATCH THAT SHOW?” The woman cried, scaring Artem half out of his mind. “Wh-what?” He stuttered, confused by her outburst.
“You watch the show Missing Kisses!” She squealed, doing jazz hands in what he hoped was excitement and not the beginnings of a seizure. He tried to protest but she put up her finger. “And don’t try and tell me otherwise, Celestine says you don’t have any friends outside the office, and there’s nobody named Zhi Shu in our building. You can ONLY be referencing the hero of one of the greatest romantic S-Drama’s of our century, Missing Kisses!” The woman stated matter of factly, a huge grin on her face.
Artem turned red and looked away, both unnerved that apparently his sad social life was common knowledge in the office and that this weird woman somehow uncovered one of his darkest secrets.
Yes, he only started watching it to get dating advice for Rosa, ironically enough on this same woman’s recommendation (in hindsight he should have been careful referencing that show around her), but after it was revealed that Zhi Shu only kissed Yue quin to get Ah-Jin to leave her alone, Artem had to watch the next season to find out what happened to them. And then the next season… and then the made-for-TV special…. and the next thing he knew Artem was watching the 3-part wedding finale of Season 4, crying over a pint of ice cream.
But even this woman didn’t know that last part, so at least part of his pride was intact…
…Sorta.
“I watch it from time to time…” he finally admitted. The woman (he really needed to learn her name!) started giggling. “Yeah, that’s not how the Missing Kisses experience works, not unless you actually believe Ah-Jin should’ve ended up with Yue-quin.” She fixed him with a hard look. “You don’t, right?”
And before he knew it, Artem was responding, offended. “Are you serious? At the rate of that man’s delusions, he would have a better chance marrying his therapist! You actually think I would…”
That’s when he noticed her smirk. “…You tricked me.” Artem muttered, narrowing his eyes. She busted out laughing and, after a moment, he started to chuckle too. He really was eager to talk when it came to this stuff.
The woman sighed happily, coming off her laughing fit. “My name’s Kiki, since I doubt you know me as anything other than that person who blocks your view of Rosa.” Kiki smiled self-deprecatingly and held out her hand.
Suddenly Artem felt bad. It’s not that he didn’t try to be friendly to the people at work, but she had a point that he usually had tunnel vision around Rosa.
Rosa…
Suddenly Artem was reminded of what he had been so sad about before. “Its okay, something tells me I’m going to have to stop that kind of thing soon anyways…” He sighed. “Sorry for spying on you and Rosa.”
Kiki raised her eyebrow, amused. “Are you apologizing for just this time, or for all the times you snuck around while we were in the Canteen?” Artem turned red again. “You two noticed?”
Kiki smiled softly. “Just me, Rosa can be a little dense sometimes. Although I’m sure you knew that.” As if realizing how personal the conversation had gotten, she rubbed her arm and cleared her throat. “I have to get going, lots of stuff to do.” Kiki finally said, waving awkwardly. She started to walk around him.
Artem struggled for a second, then turned around, determined to not let the first conversation outside of his friend group in almost 6 months end like this. “Hey, thanks for the recommendation.” Kiki stopped, and turned back to him, confusion in her eyes. He put his hands in his suit jacket and shrugged. “It might not have helped me with Rosa, but I definitely don’t regret overhearing you talk about that show.”
Realizing what he just admitted, Kiki began to beam. “If you ever need any more of those, don’t hesitate to ask. I probably have better tastes than even Mockingbird.” With a wink, Kiki turned back around and started jogging across the street.
Artem chuckled at the irony of her parting words and started back for Themis Law Firm.
Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad after all…
He was wrong. SO wrong.
This was the worst thing that could ever happen to him.
When he walked into next week’s Thursday meeting and saw Vyn and Rosa cuddled up next to each other at the table, Artem though he was in a nightmare.
But nope, the 30-minute speech the two gave about not letting this new relationship ruin the group’s dynamic was all the pinches he needed to know that this was very much happening.
Luke and Marius, though disappointed, seemed to take the news gracefully.
Artem however….
.....
Rosa and the other worriedly watched the Senior Attorney gaze into nothingness for the entire meeting.
“Do you think he died? Like a heart attack from the shock or something?” Marius whispered to the others. Vyn smacked the young CEO with the file he was holding, fixing a disapproving glare on his pupil.
.....
…decidedly didn’t.
----------------
Kiki was getting off for the day when she noticed a text from Rosa.
Rosa: HELP ME, Artem’s being super awkward about me and Vyn!
“What? But neither of you came to the office…” Kiki mumbled, confused. Then she realized what was going on. And while she definitely pitied her best friend, she felt even worse about Artem, considering he didn’t even get a significant other to lean on during this.
She got a weird urge to go help Artem. It made no sense, they had only officially spoken to each other once, and he didn’t even know her name until, like, the last five seconds. But after a few more minutes of staring at the cry for help on her phone, Kiki made up her mind.
She dashed over to Celestine’s office, surprising the confused woman. “Heeey Celestine, just the person I wanted to talk to! You wouldn’t have any important documents you need delivered, would you?”
-----------------
Artem sat in his living room, contemplating his life.
He was 29 years old, head of his field, and 100% certifiably alone.
3 YEARS he spent just trying to get close to Rosa, but it only took 1 for Vyn to swoop in like a knight in shining armor and make off with the princess.
He turned on a movie and poked his pity meal. Artem was a firm believer that instant ramen was not actual food, but right now he felt it was only fitting to eat a meal that reflected his miserable life.
That, and he didn’t trust himself to cook anything in this state.
He was just getting to the good part, where Westley got onto Princess Ro- Buttercup about getting engaged to Prince Vy- Humperdink, when his doorbell rang.
Artem groaned and paused the movie. Bundling himself up in his quilt, he shuffled to his door to look out the peephole.
To his surprise, he saw Kiki, holding a file in one hand and a basket full of something in the other.
He opened the door, and Kiki beamed. “Hey grouchy burrito, I don’t suppose there’s an attorney under all that blanket, would there?” She teased.
Artem hurriedly threw aside the quilt. “What are you doing here?” He asked weakly.
Kiki smiled awkwardly. “Weeeell, officially I’m here to drop off this super-duper important document, but if I happened to have a basket full of heartbreak helpers and wanted to share, that would just be a coincidence.”
She held up the basket, and Artem saw it contained chocolates and a boxset of some movies, among other things.
...
As she watched him stare at the basket, Kiki started to get nervous. She had never helped a guy with his romance troubles before, but she figured if he liked high-brow media like Missing Kisses, he couldn’t be that difficult to comfort, right?
“…What’s the super-important document?” He finally asked.
Kiki deflated. Clearly, he didn’t want any help from her. “Its… the forms to confirm whether you’ll be eating the vegan or non-vegan option for lunch at next week’s meeting.” She meekly replied.
Artem stared at her, blinking. “That’s not important.”
Kiki looked at him incredulously. Was he for real?
“I know, I was using something called an excuse so that I could come over.” She looked down at her shoes. “Rosa was texting me about you being awkward around her and I figured you could use some cheering up.” She mumbled.
...
Artem didn’t know what to say. He had only spoken to her once, why would Kiki do something like this for him? But before he could process all of this, Kiki started backing away.
Suddenly Artem realized he hadn’t been very responsive. “Say something, you fool!” He panicked. “Wait!”
Kiki looked up from her shoes, startled.
“I, um, would love some of those… Heartbreak helpers you called them?”
Kiki nodded, looking relieved.
He motioned for her to come in and went to grab his quilt from where he threw it.
Suddenly Artem heard a shriek and rushed to the living room. “Kiki?” He called worriedly.
“Instant Ramen and the Princess Bride?” She held the offending food between her fingers. “At this rate, you would’ve been the pity invite at their wedding!” Kiki scolded.
“Let me show you how to REALLY get over a heartbreak.”
As he watched three best friends destroy a wedding from the inside as undercover bridesmaids, Artem looked over to Kiki, who was adding cookie icing to their ice cream. She saw his raised eyebrow and shot him a look. “Trust me, it brings out the birthday cake flavoring.” She insisted.
She handed him a bowl and turned down the volume. “Now, as the resident expert on getting broken up with, here is the most surefire way to get over someone.” Kiki turned to him on the couch and looked him right in the eyes. Suddenly 8 years of college seemed inconsequential in the face of someone so wise to the ways of the dating world. She leaned in, and whispered, “List 5 things you can’t stand about Rosa.”
Artem blinked, confused. “What? Why?”
Kiki shook her head. “So that you can see how you dodged a bullet! If you can name 5 things you can’t stand about Rosa without any excuses, then you can start to realize your true value and search for someone better in the future!” She puts her hand on his shoulder. “It’s all very scientific, trust me.”
He looked at her serious face and sighed. “Okay, I guess… 5 things….” He hesitated. “You won’t tell Rosa about any of this, right?” Kiki nodded. “It will go with me to my grave.” She promised solemnly.
“Well…”
Kiki nodded for him to continue.
“I can’t stand how dense she be sometimes.” He finally admitted. “I mean, 3 years and not once did she think that I was trying to be romantic? I did everything but put it on a billboard!” He huffed. “And don’t get me started on her best friend Luke, how Vyn managed to get anywhere close to her when that human shield was in the way is beyond me. His creepy bird constantly stares at you if you get too close to Rosa, its honestly terrifying.” Kiki nodded along encouragingly. Emboldened, he continued.
“She’s also got the worst taste in food. I was eating instant ramen because I hit rock-bottom, she eats it like its filet mignon. It’s so mushy and gross, and even when I offered to cook meals for her, she insists she likes that toxic sludge!” He groaned and fell back on the couch. “And I’ve never told a living soul this, but her filing is atrocious. She once put the staples on the outside of the document and put the evidence with the opening statement. I almost gave away our big clencher in the opening minutes once because of it!” Kiki gaped owlishly. “I know right?!” He cried, nodding at her astonished face. “But the worst part, the worst part is that she fell for Vyn. VYN!” He cried, shooting up on the couch and startling Kiki. “The man literally couldn’t look eviler if he started carrying a pitchfork and grew out a mustache to twirl! I mean, reasonably he’s not as bad as some of the people we’ve meet, but come on, he’s still so…” Artem struggled for the words. “Smug.” He finally spat.
As he tried to control his breathing, Artem looked to Kiki, who couldn’t look more proud (and honestly a little impressed the reserved attorney had it in him). “How do you feel?” She asked, eyeing him knowingly. He took a deep breath and paused.
“I feel… better.” He finally admitted. Kiki beamed and turned back up the volume.
“Now, those bridesmaids aren’t going to watch themselves get revenge, are they?”
------------------------------------
Later that night, as the ending notes of the movie played, Kiki quietly got up.
With a quick sweep, she cleaned up the loose wrappers and wiped the coffee table. She took his ice cream and put the quilt over Artem. Conked out, with one of Kiki’s homemade masks on his face, he looked content.
“My work here is done.” She whispered, satisfied.
Kiki went to leave a note on the table and paused. She went back over to Artem and looked at him. She never got to see him like this, Kiki reflected. He was usually so stoic looking, barely approachable. Honestly, she could hardly believe that she actually went through with this whole thing.
But then, Kiki thought, if she didn’t, who would?
Artem sighed in his sleep, turning on his side. She giggled, and then got a dangerous thought.
Kiki shook her head violently and slowly walked towards the door. She couldn’t…
But five seconds later, she quickly tiptoed back to Artem and kissed him on the forehead.
“He never has to know.” She whispered, red in face, as she closed the door.