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Chapter Text

At first, she started feeling the silk of the bedsheets underneath her, she tried to pull them, move her hands in any way but it felt like a loosing battle so she stopped. It was about three hours, she thinks, before she felt a hand pushing back her hair, it seemed soft, maternal even but it didn’t feel like Mary’s. it confused her greatly but her head was hurting too much to think anymore about it. She stopped trying to catch the attention of whomever might be in the room with her.

It was almost a day later when she first heard voices around her. One was Mary’s now she could be sure, the other was Lady Danbury’s and the third, the third was a mystery, it was of another woman but she couldn’t completely place it in her stormy mind.

“We found this on his desk this morning, it’s for Miss Sharma.” The mystery woman says and Kate wants to make a noise, a sound, any sound really to draw attention, she was the Miss Sharma they were talking about, whatever was left in the desk was for her. But her body was tired and treacherous, her voice stuck in her throat and so it did not.

She was exhausted and felt her grip in reality slip just a little further from her nimble fingers.

“Hopefully he recovers soon Lady Bridgerton.” Lady Danbury says. That name awakens something inside her, some fire, she tries to connect it to someone, anyone but she cannot. Her body betrays her right before her mind makes the connection and she’s once again plunged into darkness plagued by dark brown eyes and soft ghostly lips.

She doesn’t know how long it is before she starts feeling the comfort of the blanket above her, the silky sheets beneath her, but she is certain it is night as the warmth of the sun does not add to the suffocating warmth of the room. She tries to open her eyes, just barely to confirm her suspicions but she can’t.

Her room is silent this time, there’s no Mary, no Lady Danbury, no mystery voices belonging to women she wants but cannot remember.

“We found this on his desk” said the woman in her dreams again and again, her voice, her soft familiar voice breaking with a well contained sob, if Kate tries hard enough, she can almost make a face to go along with the voice. She is getting better at placing the Lady Bridgerton of her dream, a tall woman, around her fifties, with brown hair and bright blue eyes. A smile on her lips and a wedding band, two sizes too big on a chain around her neck. Such a throwaway detail her mind throws at her like a curve ball. And yet she still cannot place the him she was surely related to, the him that Lady Danbury wished the speedy recovery to, the him who left something for her on his desk.

Every time she managed to get a small bearing of her surroundings, she would try to place the mystery man, or even the family this Lady Bridgerton was related to but she would every time come up short.

She feels like it takes her days to come to the world again, this time a small hand holds her hand and the air around her smells like roses and carnations. She wants to smile because she knows that means her little sister is here with her, and she tries, she tries to force her face muscles to do so but she knows by the lack of reaction from Edwina that she does not succeed in her endeavour.

“I am so sorry for how I treated you Didi.” Edwina’s voice breaks a little and although Kate wants nothing more than to rise and wrap her little sister in her arms, tell her there’s nothing to be sorry about, that it is only her that should feel sorry, some small, well contained part of her feels thankful for the apology. She can understand Edwina’s hurt, she can, but her little sister’s words that day in the chapel cut deeper than any knife could “I was so selfish Didi, you were ready to give up so much for me. Not only a man you love but a chance at happiness and a family of your own. And I…” Kate doesn’t want to hear anything else; she wishes she could simply fall back into the state of unconsciousness just like she did every time she tried to will her mind to connect the strong arms, she could feel around her at times with the Lady Bridgerton of her dreams. But alas she was unsuccessful. “I can’t promise you that I will afford Lord Bridgerton brotherly affection, but if he is truly what you want, if he is the one that makes your soul dance, then I promise you I will try. I will Didi. I am going to be civil with him, and smile, and stand by you at your wedding if that is what you wish of me. Because you are my sister. You are my sister and I love you more than anything in this world. And if Anthony Bridgerton is what you want then I shall do everything in my power so you’ll get it. Just please wake up Didi. Please!”

Kate feels as if she is swimming her injured brain flooding with information and pictures. Pictures of a man, of Anthony. Anthony on a black horse, his top hat slightly skewed as he speeds his horse behind her to catch up on a foggy English morning all those months ago. Anthony on his knees in front of her, his eyes locked with hers. His hands roaming her body, caressing spots no man before him had. His arms circling her naked body closer as she places her head on his chest, his heart beating wildly underneath her ear. His voice, although slightly strained whispering in her hair sweet words of affection, dreams of them together for the rest of their lives. Dreams of carriages and trips to Scotland and marriage and kids.

The darkness pulls her back down again but this time she feels as if everything is slightly lighter around her, she can hear kids laughing, little chubby feet on wooden floors and warm little bodies curling next to her.

She realizes every time she starts get a grip of the world around her, she’s getting better at it. The voices around her become stronger, clearer. When she tries to move her toes or fingers, she slowly manages some small movements. She knows it won’t be long till she manages to open her eyes, till the eyes of her sister, mother and maybe even Lady Danbury look back at her. Until she maybe sees Anthony again. Each time she falls into a deep sleep, he’s there, he’s smiling at her sitting by a creak, their horses tied at the big oak tree behind them. He’s waiting for her at the bottom of the grand staircase in Bridgerton House, dressed to the nines, handsome as always with a large smile. He’s sleeping peacefully, with his head on her lap as she’s leaning back, sometimes against a tree, sometimes on a settee, sometimes in bed.

His voice, his arms, his smile, his entire presence haunt her every sleeping moment, she only hopes that he will be there when she finally awakens too.

She doesn’t know how long she has been unconscious, or how long it’s been since she fell from her horse, but she can tell things are different right away. Her mind less foggy, her body less stiff, some of her old agility slowly creeping back. She realizes right away Edwina is in the room with her again, she also realizes it’s day again as soft rays of sun caress her skin. Edwina talks to her about something that she doesn’t quite follow, she’s not sure if it’s true or if she’s reading her from a book, having regained her bearings half way through her sister’s monologue, but she lets her voice sooth her.

At some point it’s becoming almost unbearable to keep her eyes closed, she tries, expecting to once more fail, getting surprised when she meets her sister’s startled eyes looking back at her. Edwina calls for their mother and Lady Danbury, laughing through her tears as she almost jumps on the bed next to her, both her hands gripping her left one tightly as first their mother followed closely by Lady Danbury enter the room, shocked and then delighted to see her awake. They inform her of the time passed, two weeks she learns, and of the well wishes from members of the ton, shocked when shown some of the necklaces sent to her by the queen as a get-well gift.

“And Lord Bridgerton?” she asks, her voice trembling a little, not sure she should even ask about him.

“He was the one who rescued you and brought you back Miss Sharma.” Lady Danbury says.

“And since then?” there’s an uneasy silence filling the room and Kate can feel her heart slowly breaking into millions of pieces, all promises of a family, all sweet declarations of devotion, all dreams of a future all lies, all doomed to be simply dreams, because at the end of the day he wasn’t here, he never was.

“He is unwell Didi.” Edwina’s voice pulls her out of her state, she turns to her sister, her head looking down, a few curls escaping her elegant updo “He had an accident after yours no one has seen him since.”

She turns to her mother but she refuses to meet her eyes, and then to Lady Danbury who is also looking at the floor. “Miss Edwina, Lady Mary would you mind leaving Miss Sharma and I alone for a moment please?” she phrases it as a question but Kate knows the dowager long enough to recognize an order when she hears it. This wasn’t a mere request, there wasn’t any space for disagreeing or disobeying. And so, both Edwina and Mary leave the room, Mary with a kiss on her forehead and Edwina with a tight squeeze of her hand followed by a bright smile, the brightest and most honest one she has seen ever since the dreadful day of the almost wedding.

“Miss Sharma,” she pulls a chair closer to her bed and sits down, the dowager looks aged, tired, “The viscount did not have an accident per say. Not exactly. Neither I nor his mother know what happened, but what we do know is that he had been drinking the whole day after bringing you here, and the next morning he was found at the bottom of the stairs at Bridgerton House, bleeding from his arms.”

Kate feels her stomach lurching at the words coming out from Lady Danbury’s mouth, she wants to vomit, she wants to scream, she wants to run to Bridgerton House and demand to see him. It is almost as if the older woman realizes her distress when she reaches over and grips her hand tightly. “He is alive child. And according to his mother, has awaken. But he is injured and refuses both food and to speak to anyone, doctors included.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a slightly crumbled piece of paper, “This was left on his study after his accident. His mother and I were hoping that maybe it would shed some light. If you’d like.”

She reaches over and takes the paper in her hands; her name is written in black ink at the bottom right corner. Her fingers are itching to open it, to see what, if anything was written inside. “Can I have some privacy while I read it? I promise I will inform you if there’s anything of value.”

“Take your time child.”

-

‘Kate,

My dear, this is probably the third or fourth letter I have started for you, but I never manage more than a few words. And although I am far from sober now, there’s some things I don’t know if I will be able to tell you, but I cannot go any longer without it and apparently, I am much more proficient when I put my words to paper rather than not. I called on you this morning, I was disappointed not to wake with you. I understand why you had to leave, at least I think I do. I suspect. But alas I was still disappointed I didn’t wake earlier to see you waking up. It was something that I was looking forward to. So, I called on you as soon as I could. I meant them all. All promises of a family, of a future together I meant them all. I do not care about what anyone from the ton, or the queen herself for the matter, says I will not marry anyone but you. I don’t know if I can even survive in a world without you, let along know that you are somewhere, anywhere on this earth and not be with you.

I want to be with you Kate, I want to be there when you fall asleep and when you wake up. I want us to have a life that suits us both.

I do have to apologize for all the hurt I caused you, and for the night we spend together, not because of what we did, I will never regret any time I have spend with you, but for my lack of control. You did not deserve me toppling you in my mother’s gazebo. You deserved at the very least a bed, with warm sheets and blankets. A door that locks. Security that no one shall just accidently pass by and see you. I wanted to be able to call you my wife before taking any liberties, no matter how wanted by both of us said liberties were.

I knew I was dishonest by asking your sister to marry me, I knew I was dishonest by agreeing to go on with the wedding when you asked me. I was even dishonest when I told everyone that I could just simply forget about you. I was dishonest, I was a liar. I was a liar because I knew even then, I loved you. I love you.

I can almost hear Daphne cheering smugly, mind you. Observant that sister of mine. Meddlesome too. I owe her an apology, Simon too. My mother, my whole family really, I was awful to them today. Other days too, but especially today.

I wanted to tell you to expect me later when I woke up. I wanted to do it right, I wanted to do everything right with you this time.  I would ask Lady Mary for your hand, and although I do not believe I would be able to behave during a long betrothal, I am sure I could give you a few weeks of a proper courtship before announcing we’re to be married. I would take you out for ices, and promenades, I would even come with you to walk that beast you call a dog, who I am certain is out to get me. Especially after sending me into the serpentine that day.

I cannot survive without you, all this time I did not want to love my wife because of fear of what would happen to her if I were to die, not once thinking what would happen if I was the one left behind. And now, I have to face the possibility of it and I realize I would react exactly like my mother. Just another person I have judged too hard it seems.

I don’t know if I will be able to visit you, not because I do not want to see you, or I do not care to. But because I am almost certain I will not be able to leave. And I am not sure I will be a welcome presence in Lady Danbury’s house let along your bedchamber. So, I hope you will forgive my absence, for now. I will try to visit later; I promise I will try. I want to become someone you deserve; I want to become better; I will try to be someone who deserves your love. Someone you are proud to call your husband.

I simply cannot do that now. I hope you will grand me a few days.

Don’t leave me.

Please don’t.

I love you.

Yours always,

Anthony.'

Chapter Text

“Anthony darling.” He turned his head to the other side, closing his eyes even tighter hoping that his mother would believe that he was asleep and leave, it seemed that the entire family had descended at home, and all of them showing an unparallel interest in his health, all of them bringing him news, but no one bringing the news he wanted.

The bed next to him dips as his mother sits down, she hadn’t done that since he was a child, his eyes burn under his closed eyelids. “Darling, I know you are not sleeping.” Her voice soft, and to his surprise non-judgmental. “I got word from Lady Danbury and I thought you’d like to know.” He doesn’t turn to her, but he can’t help the small nod of his head. “Let me read you the note.” She shuffles a bit, taking out the note he imagines, his eyes still stubbornly closed.

“Lady Bridgerton,

I am delighted to inform you that the doctors have given Miss Sharma a clean bill of health, although she has not woken up yet, she does seem to be more of a conscious mind as of late, going as far as moving her fingers on command for the doctor just yesterday. According to the doctors she’s reactive to light, as well as cold and even seems to recognize voices. According to Dr. Roberts there is no reason she will not be awake by the end of the week.

Please pass Lord Bridgerton my wishes for a speedy recovery and I hope we shall be able to share a private tea soon.

With kind regards,

Lady Danbury.”

He doesn’t know why but he was holding his breath the whole time his mother was reading. “See darling, she’s getting better and you need to as well.” Her hand moves through his hair, it only makes the lump on his throat bigger, “I know how hard it is, trust me I know. But she’s here, she’s just down the road and she is out of danger.” His breathing quickens as his mother stops talking, he feels her leaning down, placing a small kiss on the side of his forehead like she used to do when he was a child and had a fever. “At least try to eat something, my dear. And I’ll keep your siblings away.”

“Alright.”

XXXX

Kate read the note a few times before calling for Lady Danbury, the letter was stained, whiskey mostly, a couple drops of ink here and there, she brought it close to her face, it smelled a little like him, sandalwood, from his soap, she imagines, as his skin mostly smelled of it. It was faint but it was there, most prominent where his hand touched the paper for prolonged time.

“Well Miss Sharma?” she looks to the dowager, she seems worried, she imagines beneath her steely exterior and recent disappointment with the viscount’s actions she must have seen the man grow from little boy to a young adult, to the man he is today, nearly thirty years of memories. It makes her wonder if she will have the honour and joy to make thirty years of memories with him. Maybe even more. “There wasn’t anything related to his accident. He does tell me why he called on me that morning though.” Lady Danbury remains silent, looking at her intently, allowing her the choice to tell her. “He called on me to propose.” She says softly, almost silently.

“Of course, he did.” The matriarch chuckles. “I do not know what I expected from that boy.” She gets up from her chair, “I will send word at Bridgerton House you have awoken, do rest now.”

“Lady Danbury.” The older woman stops with her hand at the door handle she turns towards Kate but says nothing “Could I… visit him.” Her face softens, “I shall send word to Lady Bridgerton, this might be the best course of action indeed.”

Kate falls back to her bed, Anthony's letter still clutched tightly in her hand, she has no reason to hope that Lady Bridgerton will accept them in her house, she has no reason to hope that she will ever be accepted into any Bridgerton property again but she cannot help but feel hopeful.

A soft knock on her door pulls her once more to the reality, “Come in” she hides the letter under her pillow as her sister walks in the room, Edwina is still smiling, and Kate feels as if a heavy weight has left her chest when her sister’s smile still is the same warm heartfelt smile she saw when she first woke up. “Can I sit with you” she asks.

“Of course, Bon. You can always sit with me.” Edwina sits down next to her on the bed, the two sisters sitting in silence for a good few minutes before Edwina breaks the silence again “I want to apologize Kate,” she tries to stop her, tell her that she doesn’t have to apologize again as she has heard her the first time and she has forgiven her already “Please let me get it off of my chest.” Her sister pleas silencing her. “I was horrendous to you these past days after the wedding. And now I know it has not been your fault. You cannot control who you love, and you were ready and willing to let a man you loved go. I know I fancied myself in love with Lord Bridgerton but, when word of his accident came about, I realized how little it hurt me. I was more worried about how it will affect you than anything. That’s not how you’re supposed to feel for someone you claim you love enough to marry.” Kate bites her lip, she always suspected what Edwina felt for Anthony was mere infatuation and not anything based on read deep, emotional connection but she couldn’t tell that to her sister. She knew that she would probably not believe her.

“Knowing that I might have betrayed your trust was what hurt the most Bon.” Edwina chuckles, “Well you didn’t. I was the one who was unable to listen, you had tried to warn me after all. Multiple times. And maybe had I seen the truth we would not have been here, but maybe it’s for the best that we are.”

Kate suspects there’s something her sister is hiding from her, the small smirk on her lips, the bright sparkle in her deep brown eyes. “Is there something I do not know Bon?” she says smiling.

“I met someone, yesterday. I thought he was a scholar.”

“But he wasn’t.”

“Well, he is, and isn’t.” it is Edwina’s turn to bite her lip now, as she clearly struggles to find the words to tell her about the man she met, Kate reaches over taking her hand in hers, giving a tight squeeze “Bon, what’s his name?”

Edwina giggles, “well he introduced himself as Mr. Bagwell, failing to mention that he’s the queen’s nephew.”

“The queen’s”

“Yes, his name is Fredrich, and he’s so nice and” Edwina takes a deep breath “He loves to read and travel.” Kate felt her heart almost bursting filling with the happiness her sister was emanating, “We talked for so long before the queen interrupted us. It was, incredible.” Edwina’s smile falls as she looks up to her, “It made me understand why Lord Bridgerton couldn’t stop looking at you. It made me understand how difficult it must have been. And it also made me thankful that the wedding did not go through.”

“Bon.” Kate feels the tears once again chocking her, she never believed she would be able to have this openness with her little sister again. “No Didi, it’s fine, what we wend through is not a loss, it is merely a lesson. A lesson I hope we both can learn from. I know you think you have to protect me, shelter me against the evils of the world and I could not be more thankful for it. But sisterly love goes both ways and I have realized I have failed to be there for you when you needed me the most.”

“Bon.” Edwina nearly interrupts her again before Kate stops her “I let you say your peace, I only ask you, that you allow me the same.” Her little sister closes her mouth, still open in protest and smiles.

“I am sorry I did not came to you sooner, but I did not believe there was something to tell you until it was too late. That morning when Lord Bridgerton proposed, I was going to tell you that something had changed, at least on my behalf, I was going to tell you but…” Kate looks at her sister “He bungled it?” she says smirking. The two sisters break into a hearty laugh, her hands clasped tightly. “Not very smart that Lord of yours.” Edwina says between giggles.

They spend the better part of the morning talking, letting out in the open all the hurt and pain they not only felt but had caused one another. Edwina once more confirming her promise that if Kate wished so she would proudly stand by her at her wedding, even promising to try and be a little more than simply civil with Anthony if they were to marry.

Lady Danbury interrupts them around ten, a smile on her face as she tells Kate to get ready for tea and lunch at Bridgerton House. Edwina jumping at the opportunity to play dress up with her sister.

And like that not an hour later she found herself sitting in Lady Danbury’s carried on the way to Bridgerton House, on her way to him.

XXXX

Anthony managed to eat less than half of the broth his mother had left for him yesterday, and even had some of the tea she brought up this morning. On her side she had kept her promise keeping his siblings away from his room, promising she will keep doing so, as long as he kept eating the food brought up. On the second day of their agreement, Anthony found himself thankful of the solace, although drowning in thoughts.

Had she woken up? Did she read the letter he had written for her? His mother told him she gave it to Lady Danbury to give to Kate when she would awaken. He was angry at his mother for doing so, he wanted to scream at her to stay out of his personal affairs, he wanted to throw himself out the window and maybe thankfully this time end it all. But the splints on his leg made moving from the bed impossible. Even the pain on his ribs was, although better with time, strong enough at times to take his breath away. And therefore, he remained in bed, his broken leg propped up and immobilized by wooden splints wrapped tightly from his thigh all the way down to his foot, soft pillows preventing him from moving it, his bruised ribcage wrapped loosely in bandages as the doctors and later his mother, much to his disagreement, took turns to rub some sort of ointment on his skin. He hated to admit it but it did help. His hands weren’t bearing any better, both wrapped in even more bandages, making even the simpler tasks of eating and drinking unnecessarily painful and embarrassing. He still refused his mother’s help.

The door to his bedchamber opened and closed, “mother I’m not in the mood” he says turning as far to the other side as his injuries allowed him “Kate is awake honey.” Anthony tries to get up, it is almost like his mother knew he would, as she gets to his side faster than he has seen her in quite some time, her hand on his uninjured shoulder pushing him back down the bed. “Mother I need to see her.” His voice gets out with difficulty, broken, almost as broken as he feels, as broken as his body is. “Which is why she and Lady Danbury are to visit later.” His mother wraps her arms around him, pulling his head to her shoulder and in the warmth and comfort of his mother’s arms, he breaks down. He half expects her to pull back, chastise him for breaking apart as if he was a child, but she doesn’t. his mother barely flinches as sobs wreck his body; she merely pulls him closer. The comfort and warmth he had missed for so long only makes him break down even harder, and still his mother barely even moves. She holds him, and he’s once again eighteen, begging for her comfort, lost and confused as everyone is addressing him as Lord Bridgerton, when he’s not, he repeatedly denies it, he’s merely Anthony and nothing more. Only this time his mother is here, this time she wraps him in her arms, this time, she closes wounds instead of opening even more.

She lets him cry, silently, for what feels like hours, when Anthony pulls back her eyes are also red, as he’s sure his are. “Now, what do you say we change the bandages on your hands and I can call you valet to help you into clean clothes? Does that sound alright?” any other time and Anthony would have detested being talked to in such soft, almost childish way, but for once he lets himself bask in it. Kate was coming over, Kate who was awake and alive. Kate who probably had read his letter and was coming over. Kate who was probably willing to give him another chance, otherwise why would she come over?

He had promised her in his letter to be a better man for her, to be the man she deserves and he will try. And he realizes that forgiving his mother was probably the first step. “Mama” he almost sees the gasp that leaves her lips before it does “Thank you.”

XXXX

“Are you ready to see him child?” Lady Danbury asks her as their carriage stops outside of Bridgerton House. Kate takes a deep breath, he’s closer than has been in two weeks, hopefully well on his way to recovery, “He knows we are to arrive?” her question makes Lady Danbury smile, “I have sent word to Lady Bridgerton, I am sure he waits for you.”

“Then I am ready.”

Chapter Text

Kate didn’t know what to expect beyond the door separating her from Anthony. She half-way expected him to be up, walking around, begrudgingly using a cane maybe. When lady Bridgerton opens the door she’s almost shocked to see him sitting up on the bed. He looks small amidst all the pillows and blankets. “Come in Miss Sharma, I will call for some tea for the two of you. The door shall remain open if you need anything Lady Danbury and I will be in the parlour just down the hall.” She says smiling, confused Kate watches as the older woman leaves the room and disappears behind a door at the other side of the hall.

“Kate.” His voice pulls her back into the room, she turns around and looks at him once again, he seems thinner than she remembers, the bones on his cheeks protruding a little more, she can’t see the full extent of his injuries. Nothing other the sling on his right arm and the clean bandages around both of his arms. The covers successfully hiding most of the damage she is sure the fall has caused. “How are you?” his question makes her chuckle, “You were found at the bottom of the stairs and yet you ask how I am?”

“Well, you fell from a horse!” she can see it in his face as well as hear it in his voice that he was getting agitated. The absurdity of it all makes her laugh “And now she laughs at it.” He huffs, making Kate’s laughter only louder. It doesn’t take long before he joins her in laughter, pressing one of the pillows towards his right side. One of the maids appears behind her with a tray, “Lady Bridgerton send this up” she says with a bow, “I will take it, thank you.” She walks carefully to his bed, setting the tray on a small table she assumes they have brought up for this reason and starts preparing two cups. It takes her a full moment to realize that there’s herbs for her to brew her chai on a small bowl. “There’s…”

“Mother thought you would like some, seeing that it was you that got her addicted to it back at Aubrey Hall.” She smiles and turns around, trying to compose herself before the tears freely fall from her eyes. “Would you like to try some?” she asks.

“Yes.”

She knew for propriety’s sake she should not sit next to him on the bed, she knew that for society’s sake she should pull a chair maybe. But at this very moment, seeing him barely keeping his eyes open, exhaustion etched onto his face, and yet determined to just stay with her, awake and alert for as long as he can, she finds herself not really caring about society’s rules. Lady Bridgerton did leave them alone after all, and Lady Danbury did not object. They finished their cups in silence, Kate found herself studying Anthony more than drinking, the way he had trouble gripping the cup with his left, less bandaged, hand, the way he tried to quickly hide the small spillage of from the cup with his clumsy movements. Her hands were itching to reach over, help him but she stopped herself. Anthony would probably feel even worse if she were to do so.

As soon as his cup was empty, she gently placed both of them on the tray. The silence was deafening between them, there were so many things she wanted to ask, to tell him, but the words seemed to evade her.

“I got your letter; lady Danbury gave it to me.” She finally managed to say, his eyes dropped down at her words, breath quickens. “Did you mean it?” he looks up, “What you wrote to me, did you mean it?” she asks again, he’s confused she can tell, of all the questions he probably expected her to ask this probably was not one he had imagined.

“I did.”

“You love me.”

“I do.”

“I love you too.”

When he looks up, his whole face changes, there’s some light in his eyes she had not seen before, there’s a smile on his lips rivalling the one she had seen when they met. “I want to marry you, I meant that too.” His hand is trembling hard enough to be able to see it even though covered with bandages, it makes her smile as she kicks off her slippers and pulls her feet up on the bed next to him, she finds herself curling up to his left, mostly uninjured side. “I want that too.” She took his face in her hands, “There’s one thing I disagreed on with you on your letter.” Anthony tries to look anywhere but her face but she simply adds more pressure, keeping his face looking at her, “I already am proud to be able to call you, my husband.”

His lips feel like coming home when they finally meet hers again, her hands never stop cradling his face, pulling him closer as gently as she could, still hyperaware of the many hidden injuries he surely is nursing under his rather thin nightshirt. Soon enough one kiss turned into two, turned into losing count. Reluctantly she pulled back from him settling back on his side thankful once again for her sister’s insistence she wears a light day dress for the visit.

“Please tell me you are alright.” He says keeping his face hidden between on her neck, they had settled more into half lying on the bed than before, a position that would surely give their mothers a headache for the ages just a few short weeks ago. “The doctors have declared me so.” He doesn’t seem to believe her, he looks up, his dark eyes searching hers, “I do feel a little fatigued I will not lie, but other than that nothing of note.” He nods before settling back on her shoulder this time, the position probably easier on his surely bruised torso. “Are you alright?” her question is met by silence…

“Are you alright?” she asks and Anthony feels the shame wash over him like a strong wave. He doesn’t know what to tell her, how can he tell her that he wallowed in grief the whole day after bringing her back to lady Danbury’s home, refusing to speak to his family, screaming at his brothers as they tried to help him. Cursing at them because they would never have to carry this burden that was thrusted on him. Envying them because at the very least they never had to see a woman they loved more than life itself nearly die in front of their helpless eyes. Shame as he consumed bottle after bottle of any alcohol, he got his hands on, slowly but surely losing his grip on reality. The pistol in his desk’s locked drawer taunting him, calling him to put an end to it all, to put an end to his never-ending endeavour to hurt everyone he so claimed he loved. How can he tell her that he smashed the glass against the wall next to his father portrait when his inebriated brain made him think the portrait of a dead man taunted him. How can he tell her that he put a fist through the window when his own reflection taunted him. How can he explain that he used his hands to break bottles and vases and mirrors and even a small table in rage over the unfairness of it all, not caring that his fist bled, not stopping even as shards of glass found themselves imbedded all over his arms, his palms, his knuckles. Nicking skin, nicking veins.

“I don’t need you to tell me what happened Anthony, I just need to know if you are alright, or at the very least if you are going to be.” It is almost as if she sensed his reluctance to tell her what happened that blasted night, he’s thankful she doesn’t push him any harder. He has had enough of that from the surgeons and his family in these past weeks. “The doctors believe so.” He doesn’t exactly lie, the doctors believed he would make a full recovery, he had simply not found a reason to try so far. But right now, with Kate in his bed, in his arms, Kate who also loved him, Kate who wanted to marry him, who claimed to be already proud to be his wife. Kate who wanted to leg-shackle herself for the rest of her life to him, for the first time he found himself not questioning the doctors. On the contrary he found himself welcoming their assessment that he would make a full recovery; he could almost hardly wait for it.

“That is all I need for now.” She whispers into his hair. It feels like a small piece of his heart gets stitched back together.

They remain like that long after lunch, almost until dinner, when lady Danbury finally enters the room, his mother closely behind her, neither he nor Kate make any moves to separate, to their surprise neither of the matriarchs show any signs of shock over their state.

“It is long past time we take our leave.” Lady Danbury says, he feels Kate pulling away from him, his hand tries to tighten around hers but can’t, once again the blasted bandages coming between. She leans to him, her lips grazing his temple “I will visit again in the morning.” She whispers low enough for only the two of them to hear. It doesn’t calm him at all, but realizes that she cannot stay the night, no matter how much he may want it, or how much she may want it. His mother and lady Danbury may have been lenient enough today to allow them hours of laying together in his bed, but even they have their limits to their leniency.

“We do have a dinner to attend after all.” She says poignantly and he watches as Kate’s face lights up, “Oh I forgot!” she exclaims as she turns back to him, one slipper already on her foot, the other falling from her hand, “Edwina found another suitor, one she is very much smitten with.” She tells him, her bright smile lets him know that the previous animosity between the sisters is long gone now and he feels as if such weight is lifted from his shoulders. She seems lighter, so much lighter, “Silly me.” She shakes her head, few more curls escape her loose updo, “Apparently the queen’s nephew is quite smitten with Edwina, so much so that he requested we attend a small family dinner at the palace with his aunt.” She looks absolutely delighted, as radiant as a thousand burning suns.

“I am truly happy for her; the prince is a wonderful man indeed.” He says eyes locked on her. Her light giggle claws at his torn down walls, slowly but surely obliterating every remaining crumble left.

She manages to sneak one last kiss, a graze of her lips against his more like, before she’s practically dragged from the room by lady Danbury, leaving him alone with his mother. She was looking at him in a way he never remembered her to in his adult life, almost as if she was proud of him.

“Your father would have been proud of you darling. As am I.”  it takes everything in him for the floodgates of emotions not to open again at her words. She walks to him and sits down on the bed once again facing him.

“I know you wanted to propose with the ring your father gave me, but given the situation, I would suggest you do not. It would not be fair to Kate, or to you for the matter to start your wedding with a ring which is quite honestly tainted by one of the worse moments in your lives.” He nods at her words, there is not one day he is not ashamed of how he had tainted a ring, which up until it passed in his hands had been a symbol of a great, everlasting love. “Which is why I thought of giving you this.” She pulls a small black, square box from her pocket and places it next to him, open. “Is that?” he would recognize the square ruby ring everywhere, It was the ring his father had commissioned for his mother after his birth, his name engraved on the inside of the band, starting their tradition of commissioning a ring for each child they had. He still remembers the day he found the box in his desk at Aubrey Hall, nearly three years after his father’s death during the first time he truly examined the study, the letter ‘H’ engraved on the inside of the gold band.

“We can have the jeweller engrave Kate’s name on the inside too if you’d like” he looks up from the ring, he cannot deny it that it is perfect for Kate, the square ruby would compliment her much better fitting right along the jewel toned dresses she so favours.

“When can he get it done?”

“I’ll make sure it’s as soon as possible.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to, my dear, I am more than happy to help.”

Chapter Text

 The dinner in the palace was a surprisingly modest affair considering who was attending. Kate stayed silent through most of it, only joining the conversation when she was directly addressed, letting her sister take the spotlight she so easily draws. She knew Edwina was trying to drag her in conversations with her and Friedrich, sometimes with the Queen as well but she would always find herself cutting them rather short. She hopes their hosts will excuse it as a side effect of her recent accident and not as a slight against them, because in truth it wasn’t. she was thankful for the Queen’s favour in her sister, for the warm way she seemed to have accepted the match between her sister and her nephew. How open she was to a match of a practically unknown person in England with a Prince. But hard as she might have tried her mind was always returning to him, to Anthony, alone in his room. She couldn’t forget how much thinner he looked, how most of his body seemed to be covered in some bandage or another. How he had seemed to have trouble completing even the simpler tasks of picking up a teacup. It took all her self-control if she was honest not to peel back the blanket he had been using as a shield pulled tightly almost all the way to his neck and examine every inch of his body just to make sure that there wasn’t anything that would threaten to steal him away from her.

The dinner was blessedly short, although for Kate it still felt as if it lasted a lifetime. By the time she was back in her room she was more than ready to simply read Anthony’s letter once again and fall asleep with hopefully his scent surrounding her. But her dream had to be delayed it seemed, as Lady Danbury knocked on her door just as she was ready to get into bed. “I would like to speak with you before you retire.” The dowager walked inside the room, patting the empty space next to her in the settee she occupied. Kate walked to her, sitting down by the older woman, she doesn’t know what she expected but she surely didn’t expect the older woman to reach over and take her hands in hers. “Today’s visit at Bridgerton House must have been taxing.” She says looking poignantly at her, “I know it was emotional even for me to see Lord Bridgerton as unwell, I cannot imagine how much worse it must have been for you as you spend longer with the man in the room.”

“I was merely happy to see him on the way to recovery.” She keeps her eyes downcast, not sure of what to do, afraid of what they might betray if she looks to Lady Danbury. “Come now child, enough with hiding behind our pinkies!” the dowager says exasperated, “I know more than I let on, and one of those things I know is that you did not spend the night before your accident in this room.” Kate looks up, fear followed by shame washes over her like a cold shower of rain, “I am not going to ask you to tell me what the two of you did that night, as I assure you the last thing, I need to know is about the bedroom habits of a child I watched chase frogs and trample my flowerbeds with his brother.” Kate smiles at the image of a very young Anthony trotting through Lady Danbury's flower beds, an even smaller Benedict following him behind, his faithful companion always in his shadow as they wreak havoc in the well-polished gardens of the large House. “Your sister thankfully has made the Queen believe there was always a deep friendship between yourself and Lord Bridgerton, one that only deepened as the two families grew closer the days following the broken engagement. The Queen is after all a fool for a love tale.” She looks up, her sister, her little sister had apparently single handily managed to do what Mary, Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton combined failed to do, successfully turning the Queen back in their favour. “The Queen?” she asks shocked, “Apparently our diamond is more of a scheming society mama than a debutant.”

The both of them cannot contain their laughter at the absurdity of the older woman’s statement.

Kate finds herself back in Lady Danbury’s carriage first thing after breaking her fast the next day. This time Mary and Edwina accompanying them to the Bridgerton House.

The short ride although rather silent, was comfortable for the four ladies seemed to be blissfully in their own world, Edwina had reached over for her hand as they had settled next to each other across from their mother and Lady Danbury, turning her head out the window studying the slowly waking streets of Mayfair outside. Kate also looking out the window but barely registering what she was seeing as right now her only care was being close to Anthony again, making sure he was slightly better than last day.

This time she barely cares about niceties, exiting the carriage long before any of the other woman do, barely registering as Lady Bridgerton welcomes her, or even leads them to the sitting room as Anthony is with the doctors, much to her disappointment that she would have to wait even longer to see him. Nonetheless she sits down by the Duchess smiling politely whenever the conversation demanded it, drinking silently her, once again, chai. Trying hard as she may to will the minutes to pass quicker. She finds herself after all not liking the wait at all.

She waits patiently for nearly half an hour before Benedict Bridgerton, looking rather exasperated enters the room announcing that the doctors have left, satisfied with Lord Bridgerton’s progress. She half expects to hear tutting coming from the matriarchs as she rising to her feet asking Benedict to escort her to the Viscount’s rooms.

The silence last for all but few seconds before everyone returns to their matters of discussion as she takes Benedict’s arm quite shocked.

“We shall have our work cut out for us in the following weeks Lady Mary.” Violet says sipping her tea, a knowing look between her and Lady Danbury, Mary laughs at her words, if Anthony Bridgerton is anything like her daughter, then they truly had their work cut out for them, and then some really. “If your son is anything like my daughter then truly Lady Bridgerton we might be at a disadvantage.” She muses.

Lady Danbury chuckles, at a disadvantage they were indeed, “Any advice on the matter Your Grace?” she says looking towards Daphne, trying to pretend as if she wasn’t eavesdropping in the conversation she very clearly was.

“As a, matter of fact I do Lady Danbury.”

“Enlighten us.”

“How would you like to visit Clyvedon, Miss Edwina? His grace and I were meaning to invite His Highness for a weekend and I hear the two of you have become quite friendly”

Benedict barely leaves the room leaving the door half open before Kate finds herself taking off her slippers sliding this time under the covers, next to Anthony in bed. She notices he’s in a clean shirt and it seems that the doctors might have removed some of the bandages around his elbows if she judges by the way he moves his arms, wrapping his left arm around her shoulders pulling her closer. “I missed you” he whispers in her hair. The both of them falling into a comfortable silence as they simply enjoy each other’s warm body close by.

“How did the dinner go?” he asks, she smiles dropping a small kiss on his neck before sitting up to be able to face him, he seemed so much more alert than yesterday, some, although faint colour returning to his face. There’s still the sickly hollow under his eyes, and his cheekbones do protrude more than normal, but she knows that none of that is so easily fixed by a day or two of good meals. A fact she knows all too well herself as she can still very easily count the ridges on her sides where the bones are visible, the small knuckle on her wrist protruding with each movement of her hand.

“If you asked me, I could not remember a thing said, but my sister left happy, which is all that matters.” She says happily, a smile blooms on his lips as well and she realizes just how much she can get used to small moments like this. Just the two of them a quiet morning, in bed talking about whatever they might fancy themselves to. She leans forward, her forehead touching his, eyes closed as she draws in a deep breath, most of the usual scent she came to associate with him seemed to have washed away, she imagines his injuries do not really allow him the luxury of a full bath there was still something familiar on his skin, something making her unable to keep away.

She takes a few deep breaths, trying to gather herself just a little bit “What did the doctors say?”

“What did the doctors say?” she asks, her words prickle in his skin, once again she’s not pushing for how they got here, once again she’s not asking questions, he’s not willing to answer, he knows well enough that Benedict probably has already informed them what the doctor said, but just like Lady Danbury’s words weren’t enough for him, his brother’s words were not enough for her either. “I am well on my way to full health.” He says.

There’s lingering doubt in her eyes, and he cannot erase it no matter what he says, he knows well enough words will not now or ever be enough in their case, he wishes they were but knows they are not. “My leg will probably need a month or so more to fully heal.”

She smiles, “Now you’re telling me the truth” she says her eyes glinting as the morning sun hits her face from the open windows. He’s thankful his mother opened the curtains wide open despite his protesting earlier. If she hadn’t, he probably would not have seen such a sight.

“I am not lying though, other than that, most of the other injuries are healing well.” He insists, he doesn’t mention that some of the wounds on his hands stubbornly refuse to close, worrying the doctor about an infection, even if they don’t look infected yet and he certainly will not mention that his side feels like it’s on fire every time he tries to move in the bed.

“So, if I were to ask him, he would tell me the same thing is that what you are saying My Lord?” she asks, her left eyebrow raised, he feels like a misbehaving child for a moment and something inside him stirs as the thought of her looking at their children like that one day enters his mind. An image so wholesome it makes him smile.

The look on her face is so open and heartfelt he cannot take his eyes off of her, “He’s also worried about some open wounds in my hands. They don’t seem to heal according to his liking.” His lips move on their own accord, he doesn’t want to bother her with whatever seems to be still ailing his body, even if she seemed very willing to be bothered.

“Well let me see.” She pulls away from him his arm falling from her shoulders as she sits across from him, their thighs still touching, her move pulled the covers from his chest, it feels as if the last part of an armour he tries to put up falls, slips from his fingers like sand. He holds out his arms to her, almost like offerings to an altar, her altar. She takes off the bandages slowly, reverently. His right hand, much to his fear, first. It was the worse off out of the two, his head turning to the other side when the last of the wrappings fall away, even the doctor recoiled in the sight, he fully expects her to do the same. Her hand though, to his eternal surprise does not leave his, she doesn’t drop his arm, she doesn’t gasp, she doesn’t recoil, “Well how anything can heal when it’s wrapped so tightly!” she proclaims, he looks at her shocked, “Wounds need to breath to heal, it’s surprising you even had enough circulation!” her hand reaches to his left hand and she carefully unwraps the bandages from it, his eyes locked on his naked hand placed gently on his still covered by the sheets, legs. She mutters something under her breath in what he assumes is her native language, it sounds wonderful in his ears, the way her voice sounds when she’s not forcing an English accent, he makes a mental note in his mind to make sure she’s always comfortable, to always have something from her home country if she choses to stay by his side. It pains him to think that she might still consider leaving, surely, she would not spend all this time with him simply to board a ship and leave him, probably forever.

“Well, I shall go call for some cold water, wait here” she leans forward a light kiss on his forehead as she gracefully gets up and rings for a maid. She walks out of the room to speak to the girl, surely to give him enough privacy and he could not be more thankful for it to her. She doesn’t return right away to his room, the silence around him is deafening as he waits for her with baited breath. He wonders in the silence if he should tell her the truth, if this shall be the last straw for her, she didn’t seem bothered by his appearance when it bothered his siblings so much so that the younger ones did not visit him at first, she wasn’t bothered by the wounds that made the surgeon recoil, it seemed as if it didn’t matter what he was throwing at her, she wasn’t bothered by it.

So much so that he wondered why was he still hiding from her at all.

Chapter Text

He realizes that waking up every day starts being just a little easier, not because the pain is less, if he’s honest, at times it is rather worse, but because he knows it will not be too long after he breaks his fast that she will appear, sometimes her mother and sister accompany her, other times it is just Lady Danbury, although he never sees any of them. He still has not told her what happened, she is not pushing him to either, but he finds himself less and less inclined to hide either. The day after she took the bandages from his hands out, she returned with some sort of heavy balm, it smelled strongly of some flowery scent he didn’t recognize, but she took her time to slowly rub it on his hands. Since then, this seems to be their routine. She will visit, sit next to him on his bed, her hands will reach for his, sometimes she will lay her head on his uninjured shoulder while they spend their morning in silence, sometimes she will read to him from some book or another while he nods off on her shoulder.

His mother told him of Daphne’s plan to host them all in Clyvedon as soon as he’s well enough to be moved safely, he finds himself looking forward to it, feeling the sheer disappointment every time, the doctors tell him he’s not ready yet. Clyvedon means freedom, freedom from the preying eyes of the ton, freedom to spend the whole day with Kate if they so please, freedom to recover for both of them.

“You look rather stormy today sweetheart” his mother’s voice pulls him away from his daydream, she is leaning against the open door a smile on her face as she looks at him, his relationship with his mother has changed so rapidly in the past days it makes him wonder almost if this is nothing more than another twisted game in his injured mind. He wonders if he’ll wake up one day, alone in his room, slowly wasting away in his bed while his family goes on with their lives, Kate moving on with her life. Everyone but him moving on to bigger and better things in their future.

“Despite everything, it feels almost too good.” He looks down, years of bottling up everything, years of learning to keep everyone away as he represses his emotions is not easy to unlearn, no matter how much the little boy inside him yearned to break out. His mother pushes his hair back, her touch startling him greatly, “I know darling, but it is really, truly happening, and I am bearing even more, good news.” She sits down on her usual chair, as she pulls the small black box she showed him a few days ago, it brings a smile on his lips, “Mr. Brooks had this delivered this morning, apparently it’s already sized correctly.” She places the box on his bedside “His apprentice did inform me that apart from the requested engravement, Mr. Brooks did went ahead cleaning the ring as well.” That was good, really good, he wondered if Kate would like the ring, he also tried to suppress the voice wondering if she will still accept him at all.

“Sadly, Lady Danbury send word that she and Miss Sharma will not be able to visit today.” His neck hurts with the force he looks up, “What? Why?”  his mother seems totally unbothered while he is sitting across from her, his whole world slowly collapsing, it has been almost a week since she woke up and since then they have spent every morning today, he doesn’t know what would be different today, why would she stay away? He wonders what was it that he did, did he overshare something yesterday, did he finally drove her away did he- “She has an appointment at the modiste, darling.” His mother’s hand squeezes his shoulder, he doesn’t know how she realized he was spiraling, he imagines that is part of being a mother that he will not understand no matter how much he tries to.

“Oh.” She smiles again, he realizes it starts to greatly annoy him, “I do have some very delightful news to take your mind off of this development. The doctors have, finally, allowed you to travel. We are to leave for Clyvedon by the end of the week. And I am sure you’ll be delighted to learn that the Sharma family has accepted your sister’s invitation to join us.”

Even though she doesn’t visit him at all that day, he finds himself not missing company his mother sat by him as they broke their fast together, her on her chair, balancing her tray masterfully on her legs, him finally able to grip his cup well enough to finish his tea without spilling it down his shirt for the first time since he started being able to keep down anything. He let her do most of the talking, excited as she was to visit Daphne, Simon and little Augie. He was content to sit back and listen to his mother talk about the logistics of their move, nearly missing her mention of him having the carriage to himself if he wants to. She says it’s for him to have the space to spread his leg but the smirk on her lips tells him a different story.

Benedict pokes his head in just as he finished eating, he asks him how he’s doing, there’s a smile on his face and he’s almost surprised to not smell alcohol in his breath. He senses there’s something his brother wants to talk to him about, their mother probably does too as she takes her leave rather hastily.

“How are you brother? Truly.” He asks again, it makes Anthony smile a little, the two of them grew up together, usually joking how they were the training wheels for their parents, the heir and the spare. Everything changed when their father died, everything changed so rapidly it makes Anthony long for those days more than anything. The old familiar urge to lie to Benedict, to once again tell him he was ‘fine’ he was ‘well’ and that there was ‘nothing to worry about’ is all consuming, but the look on his brother’s face stops him in his tracks,

“I’m getting better.” Benedict nods,

“You worried me you know.”

“I’m sorry I did.”

His brother knows about the academy, he expected him to blow up on him, he expected him to refuse his interference and abandon something that has been his dream for so long. It would truly be a tragedy to waste his talent but Anthony realizes that it is not his place to tell Benedict that. To his surprise his brother, while clearly bothered by it, does not blame him, he doesn’t twist his attempt to help into something it is not. It feels like a hit in the gut for Anthony who was ashamed to tell him about his donation. His brother, to his surprise just asks him why. “Why did you do it?”

“Because I know, sadly how the world works Ben, it doesn’t matter in those cycles how talented you might be, sometimes, sadly, your family name takes precedence. And I know you know what I mean, I am sure you’ve seen people who deserve to be there, who are not and people who do not deserve to be there, be there.” There’s a flash of recognition in his brother’s eyes, something telling him that the reality of the unfair world they live in once more hits him and Anthony wonders how much of his brother’s naivety is a direct result of his intense control, if maybe he has protected his brother too much for his own good. Sometimes he wonders if things would be different for Benedict and Colin had their father been here, would they have such freedoms to the family accounts? Would they be, so freely, allowed to spend way over their allowances? Would they have been faced with the choice many second and third sons are, even those coming from well off families and searched for some sort of employment? Joined the army?

He wonders, and guiltily he’s happy he’ll never find out, even if it means that his father isn’t here, even if his life would be a little bit better, simpler, theirs would not be. He finds himself being less and less bothered by it daily.

“I am not giving up” Benedict says looking at him, “I am not. But I do need some time.” He reaches over taking his hand “But thank you, for the help.”  He’s almost sure his brother doesn’t mean it, he knows Ben must be hurt that he essentially bought him a place in the academy, even if it was what he wanted, his ways were not how he wanted to end where he did. And in some way, it did feel as if he was throwing away what has, so freely been handed to him. “If it is any consolation at all, I’d be first in line to have one of your paintings” Ben chuckles, “Well you are my brother, you are almost expected to.”

They spend few hours together until Benedict leaves muttering something about an appointment, he has with one of the solicitors. He knows that his recent bed confinement means that his brother took on more than he was ever expected to, he’s thankful for it, even tries to get him to bring him some of the ledgers up to review, it is after all his job to go through them, Ben simply laughs and tells him to rest. It is a strange feeling, one that he is not used to feeling, he is after all the one doing the taking care of others. Daphne comes up a few minutes after Ben leaves, a tray of some biscuits and other pastries along with two cups of tea. He knows she wants to gloat; he can feel her excitement flooding out of her as if a wave.

“Go ahead, gloat sister.” He tells her with a smile.

He finds himself enjoying her jesting, her slight jabs between scones and sips of tea. It almost reminds him some of what he used to consider stupid tea parties she would host age just seven on the patio in Aubrey Hall. Their father forcing him, Benedict and Colin to attend, none of their excuses working.

“I missed sitting down with you.” Her voice pulling him violently from the memories of their childhood, back then when everything seemed so much easier, so much brighter. They had a future ahead of them untouched by the trauma that awaited them just few short years ahead. He reaches over for her hand, scared that she’ll pull away as soon as the rough texture of the healing cuts touches her, his sister grips his hand carefully, not too tight to open anything back up but not letting his hand fall from her grip either. “I missed it too.” She tells him about Augie who took his first steps unassisted just yesterday, tells him how proud Simon was to see him, how she left the house today leaving her two boys alone simply to get away from his peacocking, going around the house telling to anyone who’d listen, maids, footmen, the cook, the solicitor, how his son started walking, and walking to him, always reminding them his first word was indeed ‘papa’

“I love him, god knows I do, but if he keeps rubbing it in, as he would say, that our son’s first word was papa and not mama, this may very well be our only child.” She says rolling her eyes.

He is surprised, “Simon wants another one?” he asks, “Been begging for a daughter actually.” His sister seems to be equally surprised.

Daphne leaves him to sleep, he’s thankful for her presence as much as he is for her absence, the solitude is something he always liked a little more than most of his family, even Francesca, the quietest of them all prefers to be around them, she might not be conversing all the time, she probably sits in silence with a book, or practicing on the pianoforte but still, she could spend hours, silent, but around the entire family. Him on the other hand, while loud and brass, cannot. He will be there, be present, be interactive but his social clock runs out fast. He falls asleep easily, his mind filled with dreams, dreams of soft muffled steps on thick carpets, of giggles, of filled nurseries. Of silly tea parties on patios and horseback riding lessons in the vast grounds in Kent.

He is happy, content, he doesn’t want to wake up.

Eventually he does.

There’s munching on his right but his neck hurts a little too much to turn, he still knows who might be, there’s not many people that would enter his chambers while he was sleeping and start eating his food.

“Colin the least you could do is chew a little less loudly, if you want to steal my food” he doesn’t open his eyes, he is sure enough he is right, colin chuckles “Who said anything about stealing food brother?”

“You are eating my scones!” he opens his eyes, his brother standing grinning in front of him, the plate of scones still untouched on the table next to his bed, “I’m not a cad brother! I got my own plate.” He drops down on the chair next to him still smiling. “I did something” three words that never end well coming from Colin’s mouth, of that he is certain enough.

And trouble it did, he can’t say he is pleased with the amount Colin took out of the family account, but he is proud of at least not winging half or more of his inheritance into a fraught, at best, investment simply to uncover a scam. And surely there would be a headache to follow if Lord Featherington does not find the funds to return the money, but he is fairly certain that they will manage to rebound, he doesn’t tell Colin that, surely his brother could wallow a little more.

“Well, you could assist me running the estate to repay me.” He says, it piques Colin’s interest, “You would be willing to let me handle more money?”

“You will need to head your own household Colin, sooner or later, you will need the knowledge or soon enough you might find yourself in such dept that even I will not be able to pull you out of.”

Kate doesn’t know why she needs new dresses with such urgency, it is her sister who will surely need a new wardrobe soon enough, one fitting of a Princess none the less, her on the other hand will be happy to go by with the clothes she already has. For now, at least. Apparently, Lady Danbury has a different opinion, one that is shared by Lady Bridgerton, who waits for them outside of Madame Delacroix’ shop.

They pull fabric after fabric in front of her, so many samples that she finds herself getting confused, she doesn’t understand their insistence, doesn’t know why it wouldn’t wait, she wanted to be with Anthony, she finally felt she was getting closer to what truly happened.

“Do you like the purple silk dear?” Kate looks at the deep purple silk sample Lady Bridgerton has in her hands, looking around she sees that Lady Danbury seems to be occupied with Lady Mary somewhere in the front of the store, leaving Kate alone with Anthony’s mother.

“Can I be frank with you, Lady Bridgerton?” the older woman nods leaving the sample back on the table, pulling her gently towards a slightly more hidden area where two chairs sit. “Well?”

“What’s the rush? Why couldn’t this fitting wait until we return from Clyvedon? I tried asking my mother, Lady Danbury but it seems they both do not listen to me.”  Lady Bridgerton chuckles “Well my dear, with the way you and Anthony have been going this past week, your mother, Lady Danbury and I wanted to be prepared for… well the future.”

She sees the knowing look in Violet Bridgerton’s eyes and she wants the earth to open up underneath her feet and swallow her. She doesn’t mention it but she can tell their mothers know exactly how much they have floundered society and all of its rules in the past months really. And if she judges the knowing smile on the Bridgerton matriarch’s face, she also seems to know of what Anthony expressed time and time again he wanted their future to be.

“My son wants to marry you, and I could honestly not be happier or prouder with his choice of bride. Sadly, the ton shall need some convincing, convincing we shall not do by staying hidden in our houses the whole day.” She reaches over, her hand is warm, it feels familiar a touch but she doesn’t say anything. “I can understand that being away from him at such time might feel unbearable, but it is for the better. After all Miss Sharma, we shall leave for Clyvedon in two short days’ time.”

His mother returns and enters his chambers late at night, Hyacinth is asleep on his side, it almost feels like she’s five again having just woken up from another horrendous night terror, seeking him out in his study knowing full well he would not be sleeping. She smiles seeing them, “Hope your siblings were not too much of a nuisance.” She says in hushed voice as she nears his bed.

“No, they were…” he pauses, there are hardly words to describe what his siblings were today, from Benedicts quiet understanding, to Colin’s excitement at being allowed to assist with the estate, to Daphne’s soft contentment with her married life at last, to Eloise’s hasty hug as she left the room, pausing at the door before she turns back to wrap her arms as tightly as she can around his neck, something he had forgotten how it felt in the last eleven years, as they slowly, would move to a more confrontational relationship, butting heads more than it would have been really acceptable of a brother and sister. And then there was Francesca who simply sat by him reading a book while he was reviewing some of the ledgers, he had managed to get Colin to bring up, much to Benedict’s disagreement. “They were great.”

Chapter Text

Kate’s head is hurting as she walks back inside Lady Danbury’s house, the maids behind her carrying a couple boxes, mostly of new opera gloves for her and Edwina, a couple new hair ribbons and even a hat. She’s exhausted and all she wants is to go to bed, especially since she has been more or less forbidden from visiting Bridgerton house, well visiting Anthony more like it. She understands, honestly, she does, it doesn’t make it any easier, but she understands. She changes for dinner with the help of her Lady’s maid, Emily, a young woman about the same age as her, who more than understood her need for silence as she is getting ready.

Dinner was as always great; Edwina was talking about the promenading with The Prince earlier in St. James’ palace gardens. Endless stories of the Prince’s travels in and out of Prussia, she was excited for her sister, for her to have found such all-consuming connection with someone, she was, but she couldn’t help but feel just a little bit jealous, jealous that her sister could spend the day with the man she wanted but she was forced in fitting after fitting, and many visits to most of the ‘fashionable’ stores in Mayfair. Rationally she knows this feeling is rather idiotic, she, after all, has been afforded much more freedom in Anthony’s company than her sister could ever imagine having with The Prince. In a way, their chaperoned promenades in his aunt’s gardens might be the most freedom the pair is afforded.

“Are your trunks packed Miss Sharma?” Kate is startled by Lady Danbury’s question, “Pardon me, Lady Danbury I was a little distracted.” Edwina chuckles into her food, trying hard not to choke on the meat they had for dinner. “Indeed, you were” their host mutters. “I was asking about the trip we’re about to take, to Clyvedon, have you packed your things?” she asks again, her tone making Kate blush in shame.

“Indeed, there’s some things I need to finish up packing, but most of my trunks are set.”

“Hmm” Lady Danbury turns back to Mary, as Edwina leans towards her, “Lady Bridgerton offered for you to travel in Lord Bridgerton’s carriage earlier. Apparently, he will be traveling alone and there will be enough space for you and Newton.”  Kate looks from her sister to Mary and then to Lady Danbury, her eyes were on Mary as she was telling her of something in a rather hushed voice that Kate couldn’t make out, but it is almost as she could feel her looking her way if the curt nod of her head is any indication.

She wasn’t allowed to visit him the next day either, forced to promenade with her sister and Friedrich walking around Hyde Park for what felt like hours much to her disappointment, almost anger. She at least meets Eloise, out on a walk with Francesca, returning from another trip to the modiste apparently. She’s relieved the two young women join them.

“How is he today?” she asks in hushed voice as she and Eloise walk arm in arm, Francesca ahead of them with Newton’s leash tightly in her hand. Edwina and Friedrich in a world of their own, ignoring any outside interference in their little precious time together.

“He’s better.” Eloise says softly, her eyes looking straight ahead.

“Did the doctors visit?”  she pushes for more, she needs more. Even if Eloise seems unwilling to provide her with, she cannot stop needing more proof that he is still here, breathing the same air as her. “They indeed visited, according to our mother, my brother is ready to travel to Clyvedon provided he has ample space to keep his leg comfortable and not use his shoulder much.” She sounds detached as she relays the information to her, her voice no different than she would talk about the injuries of a stranger, it clicks into space right then and there for Kate, “It was you who found him.” She says, the confession taking the air from around them this pleasant morning.

“I did. It was the worse sight any little sister could have woken up to.” She looks to Kate finally, the younger woman smiles but her shinning eyes tell a different story for Kate “Do not tell him that, his ego does not need any more stroking.”

They walk in silence until they cannot physically walk any longer and The Prince offers to walk them back to their carriage that will take them home. Kate thankfully manages to slip a note for Anthony to Eloise. She can only hope it will be delivered safely.

Eloise is the last person he expects to visit him, he was in foul mood the whole day and not even his youngest siblings managed to fix it. He was willing to accept Kate not visiting yesterday, they were not married after all, in the eyes of the ton they were barely courting so there was no reason why she would be visiting him daily, but he was certain she would visit today, she had to. But she didn’t. it wasn’t his mother who broke the news to him this time, it was Colin, poor unsuspecting Colin who got the brunt of his disappointment. Colin who to his surprise just laughed and told him he looked so much like Gregory when he wouldn’t get his way. Colin who then proceeded to sneak even more ledgers and even the books for the family account for him to work on. Colin who sat by him diligently, not only listening to him as he explained to his younger brother how to keep track of expenses and how to calculate expected income, how to balance books and keep order with the receipts and bills that need signing, but also took notes in a small leather-bound notebook, the same Anthony gifted him when he left for his tour. There were very few pages left, that he could tell, but his brother still used it.

“I have this for you, Miss Sharma gave it to me earlier.” She walks in the room slowly, timidly, her hand holding the folded paper extended towards him. He doesn’t need to see the handwriting to know she wrote it, the smell of lilies engulfs him, not as much as it would if she was there with him, but it’s strong enough to know it is her.

“When did you see her? She was here?” he looks towards the door, cursing his blasted leg for trapping him in bed, “Ease there, brother, I saw her at the park, she was chaperoning Miss Edwina and the Prince.”  

“Was she well?”

“If you call annoyed at walking around the park for hours well, then yes she was well.”

“My Anthony,

I am sorry I could not visit you again today, Mary and Lady Danbury insisted I chaperone my sister’s promenade with Prince Friedrich today. I will be forever thankful if you do not tell my sister of this but I am beginning to find the man more and more bothersome by the day. Especially his ability to appear when there is nothing, I would wish more than to be with you. Royal pain in my behind that is what he is.

Nonetheless I am delighted he has managed to make Edwina so happy, and at times I even feel bad for resenting him trying to have as many moments, albeit chaperoned ones, with Edwina. Especially as these moments will probably be most they will be allowed. I do feel bad because I cannot lie to you, at moments I have felt jealous I have had to sacrifice moments with you to allow them such chaperoned moments. But then I remember all the moments you and I have been able to share, in privacy just the two of us and I cannot help but feel pity for my sister, as she will never experience such happiness, at least not until her wedding night that is.

I hope that Their Graces might be a little more lenient with Edwina and Friedrich if he accepts their invite as I hope they will be with us.

I have missed laying with you in bed. Taking our tea together, the random afternoon nap. I will be honest with you I have not had a nap since I was eighteen, so you must understand my delight at having one, with you, the two of us together. Hopefully it is not too long before we are to be reunited, as it has come to my attention that I am to travel with you in your carriage to Clyvedon. Newton, of course shall travel with us, I am certain he will enjoy the ample space as well.

I cannot wait to spend more time with you, these past two days have felt so much longer away from you. But hopefully these shall be the last we shall spend apart for a while.

Hopefully I will find someone from your family during this promenade to give this to, as I am certain Lady Danbury will not appreciate me coming over to Bridgerton House simply to deliver this on my own, not that I would be allowed either.

We shall meet soon enough my love,

Your Kate.

She awakes much earlier than anyone else in the household, pacing up and down the room as the sun is not even peeking through the horizon yet. Finding unable to simply sit and wait she takes it upon herself to dress, her hair styled in a simple braid not bothering to fix it up. All of her things carefully packed into her trunks and for some reason it feels to her almost as if this is the last time she will step into this room. She knows it is ridiculous to think so but it does.

She closes the door behind her and goes down to the drawing room, it is still rather quiet, she doesn’t expect anyone to be awake yet. She rather enjoyed the silence, any other day she might have been tempted to go on a ride, but she had promised Anthony she was not going to, not until he was well enough to come with and she intended to keep her promise, and not only that but she could not risk getting lost in the beauty of the park and miss his carriage. That she could not bear the thought of.

“Rather impatient are you not Miss Sharma?” she doesn’t know how she missed the clanking noise of the dowager’s cane against the floors, but she did, the woman stood in front of her perfectly made up and ready for the day’s journey to Clyvedon.

“If I say I am will you believe me, Lady Danbury?” she asks. Lady Danbury chuckles “I think Miss Sharma, we are way past hiding, do you not?”

They spend their time in silence before her mother descends down the stairs, her sister following behind her just a short while later, Anthony was meant to arrive any time now, her nerves were fraying with the wait. Thankfully neither her mother nor her sister comment on it, although she is certain Edwina wishes they were alone so she could.

Anthony doesn’t leave her waiting for too long, she decides to say her goodbyes to her family inside rather than draw the attention of any wayward member of the ton that happen to be passing by at this ungodly hour. They all had decided that they should start almost as the crack of dawn, barely Six Thirty A.M. according the large clock in the entrance hall of Lady Danbury’s house. They still couldn’t trust that no one would be trying to catch a glance at the injured Viscount as he was escaping the city. Even with Lady Whistledown’s assurances that nothing was amiss with both the, as she called it, terrible clumsy accident that led to his confinement, and the sudden move from the bustling city to the seclusion his brother in law’s castle offered. Kate doesn’t know or cares what caused the gossip writer to change her tune almost where the Bridgertons are concerned, but it seems that whatever she wrote about Eloise was a blip. She imagines at some point when the identity of the writer would eventually be revealed they will all understand her actions. Still though, even the all-powerful Lady Whistledown could not subdue the ton’s interest in what the Bridgertons were doing, something she has come to know a little too well in the past couple days.

And still if that was the price, she would have to pay in order to be with Anthony, then it was a price she was willing to pay, and pay she will with her arm in his and her head held high as they bother move through society.

She walks almost giddy outside where his carriage waits for her, and for the first time she allows one of his footmen to assist her inside, the sun has still not really risen, the gentle light barely lighting the sky is a perfect cover, she still enters as quickly she can. He’s almost lying on the seat across from her, his injured right leg spread on the seat, his back against the side of the carriage, he’s dressed lightly, almost as if he was going to bed, his shirt light, his waistcoat loose on his torso, no coat or cravat. She could for the first time see most of his body, the thin blanket spread over his legs did absolutely nothing to cover the outline of the splints keeping his leg immobilized. She notes with displeasure that his hands are bandaged again.

“The doctors thought it would be better not to have open wounds uncovered while traveling.” He says when he sees her look down. Kate cannot keep the scoff from her lips. “I assume you disagree?” he sounds amused, there’s even a small smirk on his lips, she notices for the first time the yellowing, healing bruise on his jaw, clean shaven as he is nothing to cover it up.

“I think they are wrong.”

“Aww she knows better than the doctors now.”

“They used to use mud for injuries as these my lord, a little air will not harm, keeping easily dirtying bandages covering open wounds will.”  She notices he is still pressing against his right side as he laughs, a small pillow she had not seen before between his side and the cushion of the seat. 

“I have missed you.”

“I have missed you too”

They remain in silence the rest of the way out of the slowly waking city, the shades in the carriage were drawn shut to prevent the praying eyes of mostly servants going about their day from looking in, seeing the rather scandalous sight of Lord Bridgerton with his former intended’s sister traveling all by themselves in a closed carriage, no chaperone anywhere in sight. For their peculiar society it mattered not that the most they could do in their current predicament was simply kiss, maybe hold hands, their mere presence together, alone, in a carriage was a cause for scandal, scandal that neither were willing to weather at the moment.

Soon enough they are out of the city, the silence between them starts becoming a little too stifling for Kate, and if she is judging correctly his fidgeting Anthony too. She gets up from her seat takes the short steps kneeling by his side, “Hey.” She says softly as one hand reaches for his, the other finding home in his hair. She missed how soft his hair felt in the past couple days they were separated. She finds she does not want to go another day without the feeling of the silky strands between her fingers. The kiss they share is sort, chaste almost. It doesn’t nothing to quell her need to be even closer to him but for the moment it must suffice. 

She can tell there is something that is eating at him as he looked down at their hands on his lap. “I know you want to know what happened.” He whispers.

She reaches over for his chin, her hand softly turning his head towards her “Not if you do not feel ready to tell me, Anthony.”

“I want to.”  He closes his eyes, she knows it is to try and calm his breathing, when he opens his mouth again, his voice barely comes, almost afraid of the sounds that are about to leave his lips,

“If you want to leave, after you learn what happened I will not blame you.” He sees the confusion etched on her beautiful features. He finds himself not willing to keep lying to her, even as the fear that she will run away screaming if she knew just how truly broken, he is claws at his throat, his insides constantly.

She cups his face, her forehead touching his, he misses her hand on his, limited as his feeling as it was through the bandages, but he leans against her touch on his face, “You cannot get rid of me now My Lord.” She says smiling “Try as hard as you might want, you will not be able to scare me away.” She smiles and he finds himself believing her.

“I wanted to die, that night. I wanted to die.”

Chapter Text

“I wanted to die, that night. I wanted to die.”

His admission takes the air right out of her body. Hard as she might try, she has no idea what to say, what should she say. But then she sees the look on his face, the fear etched as he waits for her response, terrified over what it might be and she finally understands why was afraid she might leave.

“If we are to have this talk, we need to be more comfortable.” It takes them a couple tries to maneuver themselves into a semi comfortable position as she squeezes her body between his and the side of the carriage, her legs one spread by the seat the other folded underneath her as Anthony laid back against her. She was mindful of his shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him, feeling him relax against her. “Now, why do you not start from the beginning.”

The beginning he thinks, will take them so back in the past the trip to Clyvedon might not be enough he muses. “After I brought you to Lady Danbury’s I left, went back home, it was my fault that you have even the need to go for a ride in such abysmal weather and that was something I could not reconcile with. If it wasn’t for me, if I had simply told you the truth you would not have had a reason to be on a horse that day. And I would not have had to see you almost dying in front of me. I was once again, just standing there, unable to do a single thing that would save you. Merely watching as you slipped right through my hands, just like my father did.” She cannot see him as he bites his lip, he knows so because he feels her face pressing on the back of his head. He takes a moment, letting the tears slip from his eyes, lets them roll down his cheeks before he goes to wipe them away with his hand. She says nothing, her hands simply holding him every bit as tightly as before he started speaking. “I started drinking. Everything. `Benedict came, then Colin, I could not face them, I could not explain to them anything, much less how I felt or what led to it. We fought, I fought with them, they barely put up a fight as it was…

“Get the hell out of here, both of you!” his voice hurt from screaming but he could not stop, not as he could feel the tears boiling, mixing with his anger and rage, “Leave!” it felt as if he was screaming for hours before he finally managed to push them away…

…When they left, I locked the door behind them.” He took a deep breath, leaned back as her scent engulfed him, anchored him to reality. “At some point I started losing it, I do not know how else to explain it, it truly felt as if I had finally lost my mind.” He closes his eyes, hoping that the burning would subside, only manages to cause even more tears to roll down his cheeks and this time he knew he would not be able to stop. Her lips are soft as she softly kissed the side of his face, her warm cheek rubbing his, smearing his tears on her skin. “I thought I saw my father that night, I was sure he came for me.”

“What are you doing here Anthony.” He looks up from the fifth finished bottle in his hands towards the voice coming from behind him, he had turned his back to the portrait of the man standing now in front of him, tall, proud, collected as he always was even while taking this last breath on this earth, the last breath he remembers all too clearly.

“If you’re here to get me, at least make it quick, if not get the hell out.” He reaches for one of the other bottles still full on the table next to the window. His hand stops him, he doesn’t know how he crossed the room so fast, but he’s certain the normal laws of speed and logic should not apply here.

“You should stop drinking, son” he feels the rage from earlier fill him to the brim again as he turns around, wrenching his hand from the other man’s grip “I am not your son!” his voice is louder than he would ever allow at such hour, but he finds himself losing control of himself. He pulls back, the ghost looks at him almost shocked by his explosion, “You died! You left me here to pick up the mess you made!” he launches to the ghost, surprisingly solid as his fist hit time and time again the solid mass of a chest that should not be there. For a split moment he wonders if this is maybe one of his brothers, God forbid Gregory, sneaking into his study. But the thought leaves him as fast as it appears. “You left me, and now I am this broken thing that no one wants to be around. All because of you, because you left. So please do what you are so good at and leave me.” He pulls back, his foot got caught on the carpet and next moment he falls, his back connecting with the small table in front of the settee, the wood breaking under his weight. It seems as if his own self-control breaks alongside the table, as he throws the glass in his hands towards the portrait the man stands in front of. The ghost barely flinches as the glass breaks right next where his head is. “If blaming me, makes you feel better, then by all means son, use me as target.”

He screamed, and yelled, and cursed both the dead man in front of him and the cruel god that put him through so much for some sick and twisted entertainment of his. He screamed and cried as broke the empty glasses, throwing one against the library, dug his hands through the shattered glasses simply to pick up another target. Pulling the covers from the settee, ripping one of the pillows with his hands, throwing the tattered remains in the fire, blood dripping down his hands, glass shining from his wounds under the soft light of the fire. He looks up to the window his face mirroring back at him, a pathetic sight indeed, as tears rolled down his face, blood smearing his shirt, his arms, bruises forming on his knuckles, “Such a pathetic sight indeed” his distorted voice says. He puts his hand through the window, letting the thick glass shatter around his hand, cutting skin and veins before he collapses as the cool air hits his face.

There are warm arms around him, he thinks, and his voice, his father’s warm voice in his ear “It is time you go to sleep now son.”

“I remember I had trouble walking, do not know why I thought I could climb the stairs, but I knew I could not sleep in my study, the stench was getting too much. I do wonder how anyone managed to stay in there long enough to clean it. But someone did. At least that is according to my mother.” She bites her lip, thankful for the first time he cannot see her, as she buries her face on the top of his head. She breaths in the scent of his hair, her hand tightening on his uninjured shoulder. If he noticed the tears falling from her eyes, he mentioned nothing. “I do not remember how I fell, at least I think I fell. I remember stopping at the top of the staircase, almost at the landing, feeling sick, but there was nothing in me other than alcohol at that point, I tried to take a step, at least reach the landing before collapsing, apparently, I never did.”

Her hands have not left him for a moment, he can only feel her pulling him closer. He tries to stop talking. But he finds himself unable to. “I have a pistol in my desk, bottom drawer, it is always locked, single key, up until last season I always carried it with me, the key, but I realized, I realized it was too tempting almost to have it in my lodgings so I moved it to Bridgerton house, locked it there, left the key in a secret compartment behind the third book on the left side of the library five rows from the bottom, the book is one of Daniel Defoe’s called Robinson Crusoe, if you pull the book back you’ll find a small opening in the wall, you simply have to pull a small nook and it opens.”

“Anthony.” His name falls from her lips more insistently, he wonders if she called him again, “Why are you telling me all that?” she asks, Anthony wishes he could turn and face her, he wishes his entire body wasn’t in constant pain especially since refusing laudanum. The doctors had insisted he should take it for the trip but he didn’t want to spend the whole day nodding in and out of consciousness. So, he simply greets his teeth and closes his eyes. “I’m telling you, because as soon as we are married, as soon as we move into Bridgerton House together, I need you to hide the key.” He finally manages to spit out. The final admission, the final admission to himself that he could not and should not be trusted to have such easy access to a gun. Not when he could just as easily turn it to himself. She grips his face, forcing him to look at her, “I should not be trusted with the key Kate.”

Her silence is punishing, he hates it greatly, and yet he endures it, not because he wants to, but simply because what he knows is coming when she breaks it will be so much worse than silence. He expects her to recoil, leave, stop the carriage and hurriedly exit. She pulls away from him, his heart is breaking into million pieces but he doesn’t stop her as she completely slips from the tight spot between his back and the side of the carriage, “Anthony, look at me.” She commands, he opens his eyes, she’s kneeling in front of him again, her hand reaches for his left hand, the other gripping his chin, her grip strong, not flattering even as he winched under the intensity of her eyes, “If that is what you want, I shall do it.” He searches in her eyes for something, anything to indicate she might be lying to him but finds nothing. “But you must promise me something in return.” Anthony realizes that he was willing to promise her everything and anything she might require of him. No matter what it was he was willing to give it to her. “Promise me, you will come to me, if you feel” she pauses to take a deep breath, he can tell that what she learned is distressing her and he hates himself for putting her through it, surprisingly though she seems to not be pulling away, still not pulling away. “If you ever feel like you are underwater, if it ever gets too much to bear, promise me you will come to me first. Because I’m not, I am not ready to be. I am not ready to have you leave me. Not if there is any way I could have.” She shakes her head, exactly like he’s seen her do many times, when he was hiding behind a bush after she asked him to marry Edwina, she thought he had left, he couldn’t, he tied Jack’s reigns in a tree a little farther away and walked, run back to her, “I will, just don’t leave me. Please.”

It breaks her to hear him like that, he sounds broken, something that she has never imagined the great Lord Bridgerton could be. She finds that she hates it, she hates it more than anything. She stands up as much as the confined space allowed her to, and sits down next to him, she was thankful the seats were rather wide, and yet she barely managed to sit by his waist, both her hands now clutching his face as she leaned closer, her forehead touching again his. “I told you I am not leaving you; you cannot get rid of me if you tried.” She sees him reaching into his pocket with some difficulty, the bandages, although rather thinner than before still restrict his movement quite a lot. But he manages to grip whatever it was he was looking. He sits up a little more, as much as he can manage with the confined space and the injuries he’s nursing, it makes her hands fall from his face as she pulls a little back to allow him more space, she sees what he pulled out then, the small black box in his hand, but it’s different than the one she was dreading for so long, this one square and not heart shaped, leather instead of velvet the small closing clasp made of ruby and not pearl.

“When I told you I wanted to marry you, I meant it, and the only reason I have not asked so far is because this wasn’t ready.” He presses the little box in her hands, expecting her to open it, her hands trembling as she reaches for the little clasp, so much so that it takes her quite a couple tries to open it. She doesn’t know what to expect, but whatever it was she’s sure the reality surpasses it. “My father had it commissioned for my mother when I was born.” His voice pulls her from the ring, “I want us to start our life with as much of clean slate as we can be afforded. And offering you my mother’s betrothal ring while sentimental would not have been that. Because you deserve more than that. You probably deserve more than me, but you seem to be pretty set on wanting to leg shackle yourself with me and I have learned better than to doubt a woman’s intuition. I want us to have a life that will suit us both, and selfishly I want that with you. I do not want to spend another day without you, without the comfort and the joy your company affords me.” She doesn’t know when she started crying but she finds that she does not care too much either, for between tears she has not felt happier in her entire life. “I want us to have a future with each other.”

“I want that too.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes”

Chapter Text

Kate feels exhausted after their talk and with a look at Anthony he seems to be just as exhausted as her. She squeezes back into the tight spot s between his back and the side of the carriage as Anthony leans back against her, his head leaning on her chest, his soft hair tickling her collarbone. They spend a couple hours at least like that, in silence, she can see Anthony slowly falling back to sleep. She notices how his whole face relaxes, how slowly the lines on his forehead soften, how his entire face seems almost more youthful. There’s a small pout on his lips, and she notices for the first time how his hair curls wildly as she moves her hands through it. She decides she likes it quite a lot.

She tries to also fall asleep; she closes her eyes repeatedly trying to shut off the sound of the horses moving through cobble streets, let the gentle swing of the carriage and Anthony’s breathing lull her to sleep but she can’t. everything she has learned, everything he has told her just overwhelm her. How close she came to losing him for ever, terrifies her. He could have easily turned the gun he has in his desk to himself; he would have died instantly. She would have lost him instantly. He could have fallen wrong; his body could have broken beyond anything the doctors could do to help him. She could have died too. It was a miracle they were even here, together right now.

She doesn’t know how to feel, how to make sense of what he told her. Is this something that he has fought with for long? Had he tried to endanger his life like that in the past? He admitted that he knew it was not safe to go up the stairs and yet he did, he admitted he felt the glass cut his hands, nicking veins and feeling the blood drip out of his body and yet he did not stop. Was she ready to live the rest of her life watching her husband with baited breath in fear that a tragedy or the next will finally push him over the edge? And what would that be? She soon realizes that the mere thought of leaving him makes her sick.

In truth she loves this man, she loves him enough to not care. She loves him enough to trust him when he promises her that he will not leave her. She closes her eyes for a moment, she hates it that the only thing she can see is his body at the bottom of the staircase in Bridgerton House, bloody, broken, lifeless.

She doesn’t close her eyes again, content to simply watch him sleep.

Anthony feels something soft under his head, he turns and there’s warm skin, a smell of lilies all around him. He has tried many pillows in his life but the feel of Kate, her living breathing, warm, body underneath his head, behind his back, her arms securing him against her, that must have been the best pillow he has ever had in his life. He looks up at her, she looks a little tired, but her smile is so warm and bright that he forgets everything else, one might dare say even his own name.

“Hey you.” she smiles, her hand is still in his hair, softly comping through, “Your footman informed me we are going to stop at an inn a few miles down the road, for refreshments. We do not have to leave the carriage.” She adds quickly, he feels guilty, this is her first time traveling to Clyvedon, traveling anywhere but Kent in the English country side and she is stuck with him in the carriage, unable to fully enjoy their stops, unable to even take many stops in their trip as he would not be able, or allowed even to stay overnight at an inn.

“You could still leave if you wanted” he says, he hopes she does not, but he finds he cannot in good faith keep her from exploring, if that is what she desires.

“No, the footmen will be bringing us some refreshments, but I would rather stay with you.” He smiles, he would rather she stay with him as well.

The shop has only a few sandwiches for them, which are more than enough if Kate is honest, her nerves have caused her stomach to be in a knot any case, on the other hand she knows that anything more complicated would cause even more embarrassment, unnecessary too, to Anthony who was bound to struggle with eating.

She ends up convincing him to let her take off the bandages at least on his left hand, it was still awkward, he still managed to spill some down his shirt, but at least the cleaning was much, much easier. And as she pointed out he didn’t have to spend the rest of the trip with his bandages soaked with tomato’s juice.

They soon settle back into their seats, her wedged between the side, having added a cushion from the unused bench on the other side between her back and the cold side of the carriage, him laying against her, his head comfortable on her chest. They don’t speak much during the rest of the trip, not of anything heavy at least. But he finds he hates the silence, so he asks her of her childhood, of her home country. Of her life before he entered it.

Kate chuckled, the sound was one of the most marvellous ones he has ever heard “Well my mother died when I was three, there was an illness going around, we both got it but she did not make it. My father was devastated, he loved her very much, I do not remember much from that time other than spending so much more time with my father, he would take me with him when he went to work.” Anthony felt her hand freeze on his uninjured shoulder, her cheek leaning on his head. “I was six when we started the travel to England. We met Mary four months after arriving, I do not remember much, but she entered our lives and did not leave ever since. Edwina was born two months after my eighth birthday. As soon as she started to walk, we were unseparated, although she was quieter, loved her books more than running through the mud or following our father on hunting trips. But we would spend time together reading, playing in the marvellous gardens of the royal palace we lived.”

“Would you like to return?” he asks her, he knows she would like it, he is already thinking of how he could arrange they travel to India soon.

She chuckles behind him, her lips touching his hair, “Of course I would, there are so many places I would love to show you around to.” He smiles, leaning back against her chest, no matter how close he was it never felt enough. “I would like to show our children where their mother grew up.” She says, her voice is soft, hopeful almost.

“We could” he turns as far around as he could before a bolt of pain runs down his neck and spine. He closes his eyes, taking deep breaths, Kate’s hands on his arm and around his chest. “We could go, as many times as we would like.”

She laughs, “Anthony, darling, I appreciate your enthusiasm I really do, but we both know that a yearlong trip to India and back is not one we can take too many times.” He bites his lip, there’s two business opportunities he had wanted to ignore, both would benefit from his money and would probably make traveling to her home country so much easier for his wife. He nods, but is determined to look closer into it.

They had to stop for food once again just as she had finished telling him of the boy who stole her first kiss aged just sixteen amidst the lush royal gardens a wonderful warm day. He couldn’t help the jealousy clawing at his throat that someone else has dared to touch her, his wife, his Kate. But she noticed him soon, her poignant look as she asks him if she was his first kiss is enough to stop him. He might not have been the first man who paid her, very well deserved, attention but he surely would be the last if he could help it. He had one thing all others could not, he would have the privilege to call her his wife, he would be the only one she will call her husband. And that was more than enough for him. At least as long as these men remained in India far, far away from his viscountess.

They got some more supplies from the village they stopped, to Kate’s delight some fresh fruit was available for them. Anthony let her clean a couple oranges for the both of them to share, she was careful to wipe her hands clean before passing slices to him, knowing full well the pain the juices would cause if they came in contact with his still unbandaged left hand.

They finished three of the oranges and a couple of the apples before their carriage started moving again.

“We have at least six more hours to reach Clyvedon.” He says putting his pocket watch back inside. “I will have to warn you, whatever the duke might tell you, do not believe him, I was an angel at Eton.” The smirk forming on his lips is playful, warm, alive. Kate notices how he looks so much younger right now, the youngest he has looked awake since she met him.

“Tell me about your time at Eton.” She tells him after settling down behind him for the last leg of their trip.

“I was a terror.” They both burst laughing, her hand reaching for the cushion before his, pressing against his chest as her other hand sneaks around pressing against his chest, holding him steady. His first instinct is to fight against her steadying grip, to pull away and retreat, but her arms are not letting him go, she holds him even tighter as he tried to move. It’s an unfamiliar sense, so all consuming and warming. He finds that he rather likes being taken care of…

The rest of their trip felt faster than anything either had experienced, Anthony delved into stories of mischief during his and the duke’s time at Eton, careful not to mention anything of the more risqué explorations the two of them had, mostly at Oxford. He’s not really embarrassed of them, but he is also not what he would like or should share with a lady of gentle upbringing as Kate. At least not until, she inevitably, forced him to.

The castle started showing in the horizon just as the last light from the sun disappeared from the sky, the grand castle lit up in expectation of their arrival. When the carriage stopped in front of the grand castle was the first time, he actually regretted having Kate travel with him, getting in the carriage had been embarrassing enough, he cannot imagine getting out would be much better.

“Let me” she gently takes the blanket from his hands before helping him turn in the seat, his leg feels heavy, unhelpful dead weight really as she gently moves it to the ground next to his left leg. “I do not think I can help you down the steps I am afraid.”

He smiles but she knows it is a false facade, as his eyes remain troubled and stormy. The door behind them opens to reveal a tall man, his hair is short, a beard covering his lower face, there’s a large lopsided smile on his face as he leans the top of his body towards the inside of the carriage. “Just like when we were drunk at Oxford, Bridgerton.” He says…

In the end getting out of the carriage had been rather easier than Anthony had feared. Simon helped Kate out of the carriage first, his sister, although not visible from his spot still inside, seemed to be walking her inside the grand castle as soon as her feet touched the gravel of the entrance.

Simon looks back before he turns to him still frozen where Kate left him “Daphne took your Kate inside.” He says before climbing into the carriage himself. “I thought you would not like this to be something she would have to witness.” He says mentioning the space between them.

“Thank you.”

Simon had easily helped him out of the carriage with next to no startling of his leg, surely the doctors had done a very good job of adding extra dowels for support on his leg, it felt stiffer than before, he imagines from the immobility. But he was not going to complain, not when it allowed him to travel with Kate, spending the entire day with her as his only company, not when it allowed him to finally make sure she would not leave him.

Simon helped him into one of the first-floor bedrooms, it was often left unused, but it would be much easier than try to climb even more stairs to get to one of the higher floor rooms. Of course, Simon informed him with delight, it was sadly far away from the bedrooms the rest of the guest occupied. Apart from Miss Sharma’s who was unlucky enough to have to share a room on the other end of the corridor from his.

“I asked her to marry me.” He says as soon as Simon ceases his teasing about their accommodations, his oldest friend smiles, “Well that calls for some brandy, don’t you think?”

Chapter Text

Kate had wanted to visit him as soon as Daphne left her alone in her chambers, Anthony’s sister had slyly informed her that his room was the only other used on this wing, situated just across hers on the other end of the hall. If her future sister-in-law saw the square ruby ring on her finger, she said nothing. They had arrived after dinner so Daphne had arranged for some trays to be brought up for her and she assumes Anthony. She finishes with her dinner quickly and changes into a night gown, pulling a dressing gown on top for some modesty’s sake she starts walking towards the door, Daphne clearly marked as her brother’s chambers. It was to her disappointment when she arrived that she heard two male voices laughing. She was half tempted to lean towards the door, touch the cool wood and maybe listen in to what was said inside but the thought quickly left her mind, Anthony deserved some private moments with his oldest friend, in his words, and she wasn’t going to impede on his trust, no matter how much she wanted to make sure he was alright. Disappointed she turns on her heel and walks back into her chambers, deep down delighted that for the first time in their lives there was nothing but thirty steps, as she had counted, separating them.

Her resolve breaks around midnight, she tells herself she will simply go and maybe, most, kiss him goodnight. She finds him still awake, his eyes slightly glazed, an empty glass on the bedside table next to him. He was clearly in his cups, but seemed delighted to see her if the large smile and almost squeal was anything to go by. “Katie! You came!” he tried rising his right arm to follow his left as it raised and extended towards him, grabbing the air between his fingers almost as if he was trying to grab a hold of her.

She shakes her head and walks to the bed, sneaking under the warm covers feels so familiar, she knows they have done so countless times already, but in the past she was always dressed, he might always have been in the same state of almost undress but she had the comfort of a full morning attire. It still feels as comforting and familiar as always. He leans closer to her, his head dropping on her shoulder, his eyes closing instantly “I waited for you.” He whispers, “Why were you late?”

“Your brother-in-law would not leave.”

“Dammit Simon.”

There’s a soft snore that wakes her up in the morning, she feels refreshed, rested, more than she has felt in quite some time if she’s honest. Sometime during the night, they seemed to have slightly moved, Anthony had fallen back down, head on his pillow and she found herself curled up on his left side, her head on his shoulder, her face hidden against his neck. His snores were soft, barely audible if she was not the one laying on him.

“I do not wanna.” He whines his displeasure at the sun having waken him, Kate smiles wider, she pulls herself from him with quite some difficulty if she is honest, she hates that she has to, but she can hear the servants going about their days just outside his door and soon enough their families will do so as well. The duke and duchess have been rather gracious so far, even going as far as allowing them to sleep on the same floor unattended, she would hate for them to think she would disrespect them by flaunting the rules of society so much to lay with the duchess’ very much unmarried brother. Thinking back, they had not even told their families that they were engaged. “Darling, as much as I would love to stay here all day, one of us needs to get on letting our families of a little something that happened yesterday.” She smirks as she wiggles her finger on his face, finally he opens his eyes, there’s still some glassiness, she’s not sure if it’s from the pain or the alcohol he drank last night, but she decides not to actually push him any further.

“You will have to excuse me for not enduring this with you, my love. I feel as if the excitement of the trip was a little too much for me to attempt to move to, anywhere really for the next couple days.” He seems regretful, she knows from the small blush appearing at the top of his ears that he feels also embarrassed that his physical injuries prevent him front doing what society has inducted him to believe was his duty to her. She pushes his wildly curling hair back, kissing his pillow creased temple, “Do not worry about it darling” she whispers against his warm skin. “I am certain I can handle our mamas as well as our siblings, who knows I might even be able to convince them to allow you to sleep the day away to your heart’s contentment.”

“Only if you sneak back here at the end of the day.”

Kate walked briskly to her room; she had a kick on her step as she took all of thirty steps. When she opened the door though she was shocked to see her sister sitting on her bed, sly smirk on her lips.

“Oh dear, look who found their room after all!” she jests. Kate opens her mouth to defend herself, trying to figure out how to explain the clearly unslept in bed, still as perfectly made as it was when she walked in the room. She takes a deep breath, her nerves in her throat as she wonders how her sister would react at the news, surely Edwina seemed to be very much alright with her courtship with Anthony, as unofficial as it was, but was she going to be just as alright now that a wedding wasn’t merely a potential but a future reality?

“I have to show you something, but I need you to promise me not to tell mama before I have a chance to.” She says closing the door behind her, she keeps her left hand as hidden as she can, the sharp edges of the ruby digging sharply against the palm of her other hand.

Edwina’s face suddenly falls, she pats the space next to her in Kate’s bed, “Didi, you scare me.” She says softly.

Kate smiles as she takes the seat next to her sister, her right hand still covering her left. She cannot help the smile that graces her lips as she slowly takes away the hand covering her ring clad finger.

Edwina’s eyes follow her down to the glittering ruby sitting perfectly against her finger. Her sister gasps, her hands fly to her mouth, gripping her face as if she’s willing her hands to control whatever sounds might be coming out of her mouth. At first, Kate will not lie, she was scared that what might come out of her little sister’s mouth would be condemnation, that faced with the reality of having the man she almost married in her life indefinitely would be finally the straw that would break the camel’s back for her. Her sister’s eyes fill with tears, her arms leave her mouth revealing a large, honest smile, as she wraps them around her shoulders, “I’m so happy for you Didi!” she almost squeals in her ear before pulling back, her hand gripping hers, pulling it closer to her face to inspect the ring, smiling almost proudly. “You must tell me everything Didi.”

Kate expected many reactions from her sister, many other reactions, as the one she got was beyond her wildest imagination really. Edwina, seemed truly excited to know about the proposal, the origins of the ring, their plans of the wedding. And Kate for the first time allowed herself to be visibly and openly happy for her relationship with Anthony, for the first time not ashamed to be in love and share it with the most important person in her life.

“It is almost as if his father knew he would find a bride with affinity for rubies.” Edwina says smiling with her sister’s happiness.

Edwina helped her get ready for breakfast, her sister insisting she tries a light blue dress she has not worn since Aubrey Hall, the morning before their hunt, personally making sure her hair was according to her liking, “Befitting of a Viscountess” she insisted. The two of them walked hand in hand to the drawing room the family had gathered to break their fast, everyone but Anthony seemed to be gathered together. Edwina squeezed her hand, looking at her hopeful, she had promised Anthony she would take care of informing their families on her own, she wanted to. She didn’t like the idea of hiding, truthfully, she hated the thought of taking off her betrothal ring in order to wait for whenever the doctors would allow Anthony to move from his bed again.

“There’s something I want to tell you all.” Her voice is unsure, she can feel the heat rising on her neck, never more thankful that the blushing will not be visible on her skin.

There is silence falling in the room, it seems that even the younger Bridgertons stopped throwing food at one another, their bickering about God knows what stopped at the sound of her voice.

“Go ahead Miss Sharma. I hope it is not something unfortunate.” The Duke says, there’s a smirk on his lips, it taunts her that he knows exactly what she is about to announce but he leans back on his chair not speaking. His smirk is unsettling her a little and for the first time she curses Anthony not being here to face their family, well mostly his, with her. But her sister’s hand is gripping hers tightly, there’s a small smile still on her lips, it gives her all the strength she needed.

“Lord Bridgerton asked for my hand yesterday, and I accepted.”

The chaos that breaks in the room after she stops speaking is unparallel to anything she has even lived through, there’s some screaming delight from Hyacinth or Francesca, maybe both if she’s honest. Her mother pulls her into a hug, tight as tears hit her shoulder falling from her mother’s eyes, large smile on her lips as she pulls back, “This is what not only I but your father would have wanted for you, Kathani” she whispers. Mary doesn’t call her often by her birth name but the few times she has done has always been laced with emotion and meaning. It was almost like a special connection between the two of them, “Thank you, mama.”

Violet wraps her in a hug as soon as Mary lets her go, the dowager promises that she will be there to help her every step of the way, almost as if she knew her fears the prospect of a title and a rather large estate caused her. Fears she was trying to quell since yesterday, fears that she kept at bay rather successfully while with Anthony but threatened to claw her from the inside while away from him. “Thank you for bringing my boy back.” She whispers to her, Kate wants to protest, she surely did not do such thing, but Anthony’s written words swirl in her mind, he wanted to be better for her, meaning he tried to mend his relationship with his mother, because that would make him a better man for her.

She does not know how many Bridgertons pulled her in for a hug, at some point she is certain the Duke whispered in her ear that he was always willing to hear her complain about her overbearing, meddlesome and too gorgeous for their own good Bridgerton, almost as if they now had entered into some sort of secret society. Her the daughter of a royal clerk and him a Duke and peer of the realm.

“If it is not too much to ask, I would like to ask that you allow Lord Bridgerton the day to sleep, yesterday’s travels were rather taxing and I am sure you understand.” She feels odd being the one to almost command his family to not visit him. She half expects the smiles to drop and their faces to turn, shocked when Colin barks a laugh, and Benedict says shaking his head “Lord help us there is now two of them”

She manages to escape their mamas rather easily after ensuring them that despite their multiple unchaperoned days she and Anthony would neither need nor require a special licence to wed. something that seemed to rather please the matriarchs, even if it caused Colin, from the looks of it, a rather substantial amount of money.

Kate walks to the patio she would love for some time alone if she is honest. “I thought you would go back to Anthony’s room after the circus ended.” She is startled at Eloise’s voice breaking the solitude of the morning.

“Well, I promised him an uninterrupted morning of sleep and that includes me I am afraid.” She smiles at the younger woman. Eloise’s smile is tight rather restrained as well. She pats the space next to her, similarly to how her sister did earlier the morning in her room and Kate finds her legs moving her to the comfortable bench on their own accord.

“I assume Anthony told you what happened on his end.” She whispers.

“He did.”

“I do not want you to tell me in detail, I never would make you betray his trust such, I just need to know one thing.” Kate looks at the blue eyes of the younger woman, once again filling with tears she was reluctant to let show.

“If I can.”

“Did he do it to himself? Did he try to… kill himself?”

“No” she knows it is not the actual truth, she knows she is partially at least lying to Eloise but she cannot tell her the actual truth, Anthony’s issues, she came to realize, run deep. They are not to be explained by a simple yes or no. and at the end of the day Eloise should not have to carry that weight as well. By her own admission she carries too much as far as Kate is concerned.

“I woke up early that day, I wanted to sneak in the study make sure he slept. My room is placed rather conveniently above his study so I heard him wreaking havoc the whole night. He was screaming, yelling to be left alone. I could not sleep.” Kate reaches for the young woman’s hand silently, it is not her place to break the silence, or the words spilling from Eloise’s lips. Just another person’s weight she is willing to carry.

She does not want to imagine how almost terrifying it must have been for Eloise to spend the whole night above her brother while he was slowly, by his own admission, losing his mind.

“I woke around six maybe five, I am not certain, but I went to the staircase, there was a bloody handprint on the railing, and small smudges of blood on the carpet, it was rather stark against the light blue. Too stark…

“Anthony!” Eloise has no idea how she reached the bottom of the stairs, her screams must have awoken the entire of the house, no sooner than she reaches the bottom of the stairs, no sooner as something wet touches her knees, she tries not to think of it as her brother’s blood, she can hear voices as the rest of her family is pulled violently from sleep.

Someone tries to pull her away but she rips her hand out of their grasp, she later learns that it was Benedict the one trying to get her to let go of Anthony, but she was determined to stay put. No one but a certified surgeon would be able to pull her brother’s head from her lap, even as a rather deep gash was bloodying her nightgown, she would not leave him alone.

“Ben tried to pull me back many times, I think I slapped him once. I know for sure I must have given Colin a black eye at one point.” Eloise chuckles, it is hollow, devoid of any and all usual mischief she came to associate with Eloise Bridgerton. “Mother had to assist them pulling me off of him just before the doctors arrived. I vomited in one of the vases. Do not remember much else if I am honest.”

Eloise wipes a tear that escaped furiously, it felt as if it was personally offending her that her own body would dare to do something like shedding tears, Kate finds herself fighting not to pull her closer, not to give her a tight hug and protect her from the brutal reality she had to face. For all her bravado and brassiness, for all her fights with her brother Eloise seemed to be most affected by his sudden almost death than she thought she would be.

“You have to promise me not to let him do it again. He cannot die young too.”

Kate spend the rest of the day with Eloise, her promise that Anthony was safe and her reassurances seemed to do little to calm her future sister in law, and although in despair Kate had nothing more to offer in order to calm her down. She realizes a little too late that it is not her reassurances she needs after all.

“Please talk to Anthony, you have no idea how much both he and you need it.” She pleads, at first Eloise seemed to be totally against the mere thought of opening up to her eldest brother, even if she had just admitted that she had to be sedated to sleep after he bled through her nightgown which she personally ripped to shreds before burning in her fireplace.

Eloise promises she will think about it before leaving her at her floor and continuing upstairs to her own chambers. Kate is rather pleased with her assurances even if it takes her some time, she knows that eventually it is probably what both brother and sister need.

She quickly changes out of her clothes into her nightgown, her robe tightly wrapped around her body as she closes the door behind her sneaking into Anthony’s room a second night in a row. He seems to be already asleep, his eyes drawn close, his lips slightly open as small soft snores escape.

With a smile she lifts the covers and wraps herself around his uninjured side once more. His body is warm and his arm almost instinctively wraps around her waist.

“Missed you” he mutters in his sleep as he tries to turn his head to completely burry his nose in her neck.

“I missed you too darling.”

Chapter Text

Waking with Kate has been intoxicating, it is almost as if he could not remember a time that she was not there, it also makes him dread the moment she will no longer be. He is not stupid; Anthony knows full well that the only reason why they are allowed such liberties at the moment is exactly because they physically cannot do anything remotely close to what would produce a child. If he was honest nothing close to pleasurable would be more correct. Therefore, he knew that the moments the doctors started removing the bandages and dowels and slings he would once again find himself sleeping alone and his free time with Kate alone would diminish. And soon enough the closed doors will be replaced by chaperoning siblings, he draws the line to one of the matriarchs chaperoning him and Kate after all.

Kate slowly stirs in his arms, she is still groggy from sleep as she slowly rises, her eyes taking some time to focus on him. He tries to memorize her smile first thing in the morning when she sees him, to him it is the most beautiful sight there is. “Good morning my love.” He says leaning down to kiss the top of her head.

“Good morning, darling.” She keeps smiling as she hides her face on his neck, to protect her still waking eyes from the sun peeking through the closed curtains in the room. Her feels her lips moving over his neck softly, knowing full well that in any other situation had he found himself in this position he would not react a he is right now. He still feels the desire run through his veins as he gently shifts his hips a little away from hers.

“Have you got anything planned for today?” he asks her to distract her from her attack on his neck, her chuckle is muted by his skin as she takes her time pulling away from him settling on her side, her arm holding her head up, “Well my lord, Her Grace has demanded she shows me around the castle, and I found myself unable to say no to such enticing offer.”

“More enticing than spending the day with me?” he pouts, he knows he does, but finds himself caring less and less by each passing day.

He decides that hearing her laugh should be bottled up and sold as medicine, as he finds that it’s sound does more to sooth his aching body more than any and all medicine the doctors have forced him to take before. At the time he finds himself being selfishly cocky that at the end of the day he will be the only one with access to this miracle, in his opinion, cure of all ailments.

“The Duchess grows once more, may I add, too meddlesome.” His petulance makes her laugh again; he will continue acting so if it meant she will keep laughing.

“Oh, my lord, I am sure your brother in law will be able to keep you company today. after all he proclaimed as much at dinner last night.”

Simon did plan on keeping him company after all. It was a little after lunch, he had just finished up the tray brought up when his oldest friend poked his head through the door.

“Are you decent Bridgerton?” he asks, a hand theatrically over his eyes, not obstructing much of his vision.

“Never.” Anthony smirks, being as old friends as the two of them were meant that there was not much about the other that they did not know. Maybe it was this knowledge that set him so dead against the match of Simon with Daphne. It was not Simon’s character; it was his trauma. The terror he had witness, that they both had in a way, that made him want to protect his first sister as much. For Daphne might be the oldest Bridgerton daughter but she will never understand the burden and the trauma the duty of the heir causes to a person. Simon discards his coat by the door, there’s no need for formalities with the two of them after all. He settles down two heavy glasses and a bottle, deep amber liquid inside.

“I shall disclose something to you which will demand you do not disclose to anyone, not even your bride.” Simon says, his tone is solemn but there’s something in his voice, something light and playful that confuses Anthony, for it matches not the look on his friend’s face. “The Duchess suspects she is with child again. Told me this morning.” Anthony looks at Simon drowning a glass in one go, “And are we happy about it?” he asks cautiously. Daphne had told him that it was Simon who wanted the second child, so his friend’s reaction was puzzling to say the least.

“We are.” He smiles, but Anthony can sense there’s something coming, a rather large ‘but’ hanging in the air around them.

“I am sorry my friend, but there’s something, this is not the reaction of a happy man to me.”

This seems to do the trick, Simon breaks into a large smile, “Do you ever wonder, about Hyacinth debuting?” Simon asks, the two of them have spoken many times of the not so distant now future where Anthony’s youngest sister would debut in society and eventually marry, the thought alone was enough to cause cold sweat to break down Anthony’s back. “You know I do.” Anthony murmurs in his cup.

“Well, it struck me today as Daphne told me she suspects she is with child again, that the child might be a girl. Do not get me wrong I love Augie, but while Daphne was pregnant, I was hoping he would be a little girl.” Simon smiles, almost dreamingly, “I thought about walking around London with a mini-Daphne in my arms, a little like Hyacinth used to cling to you when younger. The idea delighted me. But then I realized that little girls do not stay little for ever and society is filled with men who do not respect said little girls, who use young women for their own pleasure and fulfilment and then toss them aside with no consequences, of men after only money and the pride of marrying a Duke’s daughter. Men like…”

“Men like us?” Anthony says smirking “Because my friend other than the dowry hunting, we did those things.” Simon hangs his head. Soft chuckles leaving his chest, “Exactly.” He says softly.

“Now you finally see why I reacted how I did last year.” Anthony murmurs. There’s a sting of bitterness in his voice, barely there, but he knows Simon can hear it. He has known him long enough to recognize it.

“More than see actually. Had this been me finding my daughter in such position I would probably have beaten me to death right there in the garden.”

“I wanted to, Daphne stopped me.” He’s shocked by his own admission, Kate’s voice rings in his mind, she insisted that the truth was the only way they would be able to heal and move on, she insisted time and time again that only by being honest with each other they could ensure that their relationship would last the test of time. That their marriage would not end as just another loveless and unhappy union of the ton. And so far, her advice has not failed him, so what if he tries it with Simon, maybe then he might have his friend really back. Free of this frozen politeness that seems to plague them both since the incident in those damned gardens.

“I never apologized for that night, or what followed.” Anthony looks at Simon in shock, he doesn’t expect an apology, never did. It is rather nice to have it though. He came to realize in the last few days really that a simple apology sometimes is enough to heal a lot wounds no matter how deep they might be. He does not say anything, merely nods his head for a moment.

“It was wrong of me to act the way I did. And while I do not regret marrying Daphne, not in the slightest, I do regret the way it came about. Our marriage should be the happiest day in our lives, is this not the crap we were told when children? But instead, neither Daphne nor I were the happiest. We were barely even happy.” Simon pours them both another drink, Anthony remembers the day of his sister’s wedding, it did seem as if there was just something wrong hanging in the air, especially for a wedding for an infamous love match such as the one Simon and Daphne’s had been sold as. He chose to keep his mouth shut, with great difficulty but he knew that his worries or concerns would not be welcomed or listened to.

“I knew something was wrong, I tried talking to Daphne but,” Anthony paused, he remembers the day even clearer the more he tries, the fuzziness of the alcohol slowly lifting as he tries to remember. Simon was right there was very little happiness in both Daphne and Simon that day.

“She was not going to admit it to you, to anyone really but especially you.” It pains him but Simon is right, he was not the easiest person for his siblings to open up to. “I am not that easy to open up to, am I?”

Simon chuckles over his glass “no brother is in this case I imagine.”

They spend a good portion of the day together, Simon putting aside his work for the day. They reminisced about the past, their days at Eton and Oxford, their adventures during the days and nights away from their families. And while Anthony loved the time spend with his friend, he longed for Kate’s company, he found himself missing her scent, her laugh, her gentle hands as they softly rub balm on his hands, or circles on his chest as both of them slowly fall asleep.

“You know, if the other boys from our class were to see us right now, they will probably laugh at us” Simon says after finishing yet another glass, Anthony chuckles, he feels rather lightheaded from the drinks they had, and surely, it’s more than he would normally feel, but finds himself rather enjoying it for the first time. The all familiar, from his youth, feeling of floating, no worries, to books to balance, no nothing.  He almost misses those days.

Kate walked around the old corridors with Daphne for the better part of the morning. For a moment she almost forgot the situation she was in. for a moment she almost forgot how close both she and Anthony found themselves never being where they are now. And yet, despite the happiness she un-doubly felt there was also so much longing. She wishes she could experience the vast grounds and long corridors with him by her side. As much as she loved their unorthodox courtship sometimes, she wishes they could have had a more normal courtship.

“Have you and my brother discussed about the wedding?” the Duchess’ voice startles her a little.

“We have not yet, your grace. Your brother’s health and recovery take precedence for the time being.” Daphne smiles, the lines around her eyes remind her of her brother. the more time she spends with the Bridgertons she found herself recognizing the similarities between the siblings. She feels rather thankful having had the opportunity to be in a position to study them that closely.

“Of course, I would not expect anything else” Daphne smiles “although I do imagine that if it was simply on my brother the two of you would have been married already.” The smile on her face is knowing, of course Kate had no doubt that Daphne knew of what was going on under her roof, she is certain that they didn’t find themselves alone on the same floor by accident, but it is still rather startling that Anthony’s siblings joke so openly about it. “In any case” Daphne continues, “it will be rather helpful for you to have time to adjust to the impending changes in your live without the pressure and praying eyes of the ton on you.”

Kate was determined to spend the night in her room, she was sure she could sleep on her own just fine. She needed her sleep tonight, especially since the prince would arrive rather early the next morning. Last thing she needed was to find herself scrambling to get to her room before their esteemed guest arrives. It seems that her brain does not agree with her in the end which is why she finds herself twisting and turning on her bed way past midnight with sleep evading her greatly. Her stubbornness is forcing her to stay put, her heart is pushing her to put herself out of her own self-imposed misery and simply go to him.

She finds him awake, waiting for her with a tired smile on his lips when he hears the soft click of the door.

“Could not stay away could you now?” he asks.

“Hush you now!”

Chapter Text

Kate is delighted by the excitement shown by her sister the following day. She does however find that the resentment she tended to feel towards her sister and intended has followed her all the way to Clyvedon as well. She hates herself all the more for it if she is honest with herself, after all her sister and the prince do only have these small, chaperoned moments. That is all they have had for their whole courtship after all. Whereas she and Anthony had more than enough time and leniency to get to know one another, spend meaningful time alone with one another. So, she clamps down her feelings of resentment at being away from Anthony, especially since the doctors are supposed to be re-examining him today and hopefully, maybe, allowing him to start moving some, she plasters a smile on her face, a rather genuine looking one if you ask her, just in time for The Prince’s carriage taking the last turn before stopping at the steps in front of the castle.

“Your Highness, welcome to our home!” the duke welcomes the prince, his words coming out with rather more restraint than Kate is used to, she imagines there is some things that she is not aware of, things she should and will ask Anthony about as soon as this welcome committee is done with.

She notices how the prince is also looking rather constrained, doubtful, she imagines there’s a rather large history behind their stiff smiles and awkward glances. She imagines there must be more to the gossip she heard around the ballroom of the failed courtship between The Duchess and The Prince.

“Your Grace, it is my honor to be able to accept your and Her Grace’s invitation to your lovely home.”

“Of course, it is our honor to have you here, Your Highness.” The Duchess says, Kate notices with almost delight how out of the three she seems to be the better actor. Her smile, to the outside seems almost genuine. It must be a sign of her boredom how invested she finds herself being to this whole interaction.

The traditional exchanging of pleasantries seems to drag on unreasonably long, so long in fact that she finds herself absolutely despising the man that could very well be her brother-in-law in few short months. When they finally enter the hall, she could have cried.

Eloise manages to sneak away from the welcoming committee Daphne set up for The Prince, it’s not that she doesn’t like the man, if she’s honest she barely knows, her almost brother-in-law at all. She doesn’t mind keeping it that way for a little while longer. It takes a lot of effort not to retreat back in her room after making her escape, every bone in her body seemed to be commanding her to run and hide under the blankets, in the nice and warm, and welcoming bed. Away from meddlesome mamas and almost dying brothers.

Her legs seem to disagree with her in the end as she finds herself standing in frond of the closed door of his room. It’s been a week since the last time she spent any time with her eldest brother, everyone keeps talking about the miraculous recovery he has had in just two short weeks, she wants to believe them, she could see it, from the sidelines, far away to be able to hide peacefully in her safe space, away from the pain and the feelings she tries oh so hard to eliminate.

No one had prepared her how hard knocking a door would be.

If Anthony was honest Eloise was the last person he expected to be on the other side of the door when he heard the soft knock. He expected maybe his mother, or even Simon complaining about how much he’s doing for him, inviting the man who almost married his wife in his house. But instead, Eloise’s dark haired head peeks inside, “Can I hide here for a while?” he wants to remind her she has a room to hide, he wants to jab at how awful her excuse is, but something inside him yearns for the old times when they would spend hours alone together, back when they were younger, back before they lost their father when everything seemed to be so much easier. He remembers her curling on his side, clearly remembers her whispering that he is indeed her favorite brother but he wasn’t allowed to tell Benedict. He remembers it all too well and he misses it. And so, he takes his chance.

“Of course.” She smiles a little, closing the door behind her as softly as she can.

“You can keep working on your ledgers, I won’t bother you.” She says, Anthony looks down on his lap, Benedict finally relented and let him work on the ledgers if and only if he promised not to get up from the bed. He was not planning on it, not until the doctors allowed him so, and Benedict had nothing to do with that decision. No, it was all because he could not bear watching Kate’s disappointment in him if he, in any way sets his recovery back.

“Do you want to help?” he asks after a few moments of silence between them. Eloise’s book falls from her hands to her lap, she was valiantly pretending to read. It was almost convincing.

She closes the book, letting it on his nightstand with a soft thud, “Would you allow a mere little woman with those important ledgers of yours?” she asks with a lopsided smirk on her lips. He recognizes it, it has been nearly a lifetime since the last time it was directed at him, but he can still recognize it.

“If Colin can learn the maths needed to balance the books, then I am certain you will be able to do the same sister.” The look of surprise in her eyes tells him she thought he was joking when he offered the first time, “We both know very well that you are the smartest Bridgerton. And trust me it pains me to admit it.”

They stay in silence for a few moments, Anthony was just about ready to return to his ledgers when Eloise speaks again, “ Are you alright?” she asks, her voice smaller than he has ever heard it before, “I don’t want you to tell me what happened!” she sounds panicked, Anthony hates it that he probably caused her that, “I just want to know if you are alright, Kate told me you are better I just need it to hear it from you as well.”

Anthony smiles, his hand itches to reach over to Eloise, she seems so different right about now, it is almost as if her normal, all too familiar bravado was all gone, “I am.” She looks up, soft smile forming on her face, “Good.” They fall silent once more, but this time it feels so much better, comfortable, familiar.

He was ready to go back to his accounts when he looks back up to Eloise, “Tell you what, you get me a beer without Kate or mother knowing and I will hire whatever tutor you ask as soon as we are back in town.”

He never saw Eloise run that fast and he surely does not need to know what means she used to get less than half an hour later with a rather large glass of what seemed to be a rather cold and by the looks of it, fine beer. “I…” he pauses “Do I want to know how?”

“Nope” Eloise says placing the cup on his nightstand, “Just drink up before Simon figures it out.”

“Stolen, copy that!”

“And I want a science tutor.”

“Ah miss Sharma, how come you are not with my insufferable brother-in-law?” The duke’s voice startled Kate, she was enjoying an afternoon chai taking in the beautiful sunny weather. “Your grace, your brother-in-law is spending the day with your sister-in-law, I thought better to let them alone.”

The duke chuckles and takes a seat next to her, “Well Miss Sharma, as you will surely come to realize soon enough, I have three sisters in law, so I will need you to be more specific.”

“Eloise” Kate says smiling.

“Ah, that explains the missing beer.”

“The missing what?”

Simon leans back on the chair he looks at the woman in front of him for a moment, “Well, it seems that your rather meddlesome and very annoying intended drafted his sister to steal some of my good beer, in exchange for only lord knows what, frankly with Eloise the choices are endless.”

“I cannot believe him.” Kate murmurs, “He has been annoying me for a beer for some days now. Having his sister steal some is a new low.”

The duke chuckles warmly, “Well with Bridgertons the barrel has absolutely no bottom. They can always stoop lower, surprisingly. They are too good looking and mischievous for their own good.”

Kate decides to take a tray of dinner upstairs, she has spent the entire day away from Anthony and, according to her sister at least, she is becoming rather moody like a child almost. She does not see it, in her opinion she is rather stable in her mood swings, and her missing her future husband does not appear in her behavior towards others, but her sister’s laughter when she said so told her the opposite.

She shakes her head as she reaches the top of the stairs, surely if, after everything, she wishes to spend time with Anthony and gets a little moody when she does not.

She finds Anthony sitting on the bed, there is a lot more papers laying around him than usually, a couple of sloppier written pages than the usual neat cursive letters she has come to recognize as his, or the stumpy writing she came to know as Colin’s.

“Hey.” He looks up from the new book in his lap, he smiles brightly at her.

“Hey you, I brought dinner.” She walks to his bed letting the tray on the bed next to him. She took off her slippers and got in bed next to him.

“You know, I think I will miss this when the dowels come off.” He says leaning on her shoulder.

“Why?”

“Our mothers are not going to allow us such liberties” he says looking up, he looks tired, but there is a lightness, a childlike spark she is not sure she has ever seen before.

“No, they are not going to.” She says running her hand through his hair.

They spend the rest of their afternoon together, eating, talking about their day, planning their future a little. It is not long that he starts falling asleep on her shoulder, exactly like almost every night since they came over Clyvedon.

Kate found that sleep evaded her tonight, usually she finds it quite easy to sleep with him next to her. Tonight, though she finds herself staring at his relaxed face, unable to sleep. So many thoughts passing through her mind, her future, the one she was sure it was set in stone to have her live a simple, albeit lonely life in India as a governess, overturned completely. She was not to return to India, not to live there at least, she may return for a visit, and when she would return she would not be alone, she would not be there to look for employment as a governess, it would not be as the daughter of a royal clerk, practically unknown to the masses of high society, no longer the spinster prickly older sister of the diamond, she would be a wife, maybe even a mother, a viscountess, married into one of the oldest and most prolific families of the British aristocracy, she would be a Bridgerton. No longer a spectator but a trendsetter of British society. She would no longer be helpless to assist her fellow countrymen and women in the tumultuous times ahead, she would be able to assist, she would have influence.

No longer a nobody, but somebody.

All because of the man sleeping next to her, the vexing, smart, infuriating, beautiful, frustrating, strong, stubborn, loving man next to her. So, she just laid there awake nearly the whole night, her head on his shoulder, occasionally raising to look at his relaxed boyish face, her hand firmly placed on his chest raising and falling with each soft breath he took.

And in all her restlessness she finally felt at peace.

Chapter Text

Deep down Kate knew exactly why she wasn’t allowed into the room while the doctors descended upon their little safe heaven in Clyvedon, she knows that not even when married would the doctors allow her, a woman, be present while they examine a man. And not just any man but one of the rank and status that Anthony is possessing. Nonetheless she hates it, she hates waiting for news, she hates not knowing, she hates staying in the dark until much, much later.

The door opens from somewhere behind her, she tries to control herself, she hates for Anthony’s family to see her in her current state of emotions.

“You should sit.” The duchess’ voice draws her in, she turns around and looks at the other woman, she looks as poised as always, a small gentle smile on her face, “Trust me Kate, my brother is too stubborn to be anything but alright.” Kate chuckles, her lip trembling a little. She nods and takes a seat next to Daphne. The two of them sit in silence for almost an hour or so Kate thinks, no words exchanged between them. But soon the minutes seem to drag on endlessly and Kate’s patience is thinning quite a lot.

“What is taking them so long?” Kate asks impatient, Daphne on the other hand seems to be completely relaxed, a small book in her hand as she slowly puts her cup of tea down.

“I do not know, but it is not that long, they have barely been in there for an hour.”

“I know you may think of me as overbearing, but I simply wish I could have been in there with him. I do not like the idea of leaving him alone, especially as it seems to be a rather important meeting with the doctors.” Kate stood up once again, her nerves almost overwhelming her, she has tried so hard to keep calm, so hard not to break down in front of others, letting them know just how unnerved she is by being away. It is not that she cannot be without him, that she is quite capable of doing, it is not being close to him while something so important is happening that is killing her. She left quite hastily this morning, not wanting to be found and now here she was regretting not spending the extra moment to wake him up, wish him good day, maybe, if she got too emotional good luck too.

“Which is why he is not alone, both Simon and Benedict are there, and although I know it is not nearly the same, they will be very good substitutes for you in there. There is nothing to worry about.

“You are a very calming presence has anyone told you that before?” Kate says chuckling as she takes her seat next to Anthony’s sister.

“Sadly not enough.” Daphne responds and Kate is sure she can hear some small resentment in her voice.

It is almost two hours later that Benedict comes to get her, he refuses to tell her anything which frustrates her greatly but she tries to hide her annoyance, certainly at some later date she will find a way to pay him back when he least expects it.

They reach Anthony’s door, Benedict disappearing quietly as soon as he delivers her safely to his oldest brother’s door. She opens the door as soon as she makes sure that Benedict is in fact gone, his footsteps disappearing completely as he reaches the ground floor.

The first thing she notices is that all the bandages from around his hands and the ones holding his shoulder immobile are gone, his hands looking more like they used to, rather than red and inflamed. “Hey, you”. Her voice draws his attention from the papers he has in his lap. A smile forming brightly on his lips as he sees her.

“Hey. Look no bandages” he lifts his hands showing proudly the movement he has managed to get back. She can notice the remaining stiffness from having such limited movement for so long but she choses not to mention, his excitement is so bright she would hate to dampen it. So she smiles back and walks towards his bed, “I can see that! That’s lovely dear.” His hand reaches over for hers. She can feel the texture of his palm still a little rough the cuts not completely healed yet.

“I have even better news.”

“Tell me then, it is not nice to keep a lady waiting my lord” he smiles brightly.

Well the doctors allowed me, nay commanded me, to start moving about. Starting immediately I am to not only stand up, but to start moving my arm and shoulder. With caution of course but still.” He is excited, it is almost enough to overshadow her worry, she would hate for her own worries and insecurities to stop her from helping him, as much as she can, to get back to full health. She plasters an even brighter smile on her lips, masking as well as she can her worry,

“That’s wonderful! What of the dowels on your leg?” his smile flatters a bit, she knows why before he speaks, she knows him well enough to know that he would have liked nothing more than to be able to

“Ah those I am afraid will have to remain for a little while longer. no longer than a week I assure you.” He tries to reassure her; she tries to pretend he succeeds. It kills her to even try and lie to him but she tries nonetheless.

“Well, my lord, if the doctors have indeed cleared you it’s time we start moving that arm of yours.”

He smiles brightly, clearly showing his excitement having to the opportunity to move around.

They take their time, slowly stretching out his stiff limps, every move causing a soft gasp or even sometimes a groan leaving his lips. It felt like a knife piercing through Kate’s heart, so much so that she thought many times of simply giving up. But the smile, the wonderful large smile she could see forming on his lips each time his stiff arms loosened a little bit was more than enough to reward her.

“I did it!” he calls out one morning, a victorious smile on his lips as his raised arm finally managed to extend almost all the way, she could see his arm shaking, the pain etched on his face, but he was smiling, once again he was smiling.

She fell in his arms, delighted to feel both wrapping tightly around her.

Dearest gentle reader,

It seems as if this season has not been a waste after all, as it appears that not only the queen’s own diamond, Miss Edwina, might secure a match before the end of her reign, previous unmentioned embarrassments aside, but it might even be to none other than the queen’s own nephew, none other than the ever so charming prince Fredrick, but her sister too, the none other than the formidable Miss Sharma, as she has proven to be, has been the one to bag the seasons most eligible bachelor. Yes dearest readers a good old bride switch for the lord Bridgerton, and one that none expected. None the less it seems that all parties involved are thrilled not only with their own choice of partner, this time, but also each other’s. It does not take a scholar to understand that as a simple talk with either of the Sharma sisters is enough to see both the happiness and pride with the others bright future ahead.

This author, is after all a hopeless romantic, which makes this outcome a very happy ending to the season indeed.

Until next time,

Yours truly,

Lady Whistledown.

Chapter Text

Kate was almost delighted by the progress Anthony was making in the past couple weeks, he was able to move his arms, pick things up, eat, read and write on his own. He was in as high spirits as she has ever seen him, delighted to be able to do things for himself on his own once more.

“Reading?” Kate looks up, Daphne was standing at the door, a smile, soft and as lady like as ever, gracing her lips.

“Yes, the new lady Whistledown in fact.”

“Ah.” Daphne smiles just a little wider, “Eloise seemed rather delighted by the latest issue.” She walked over and took the seat next to her, “Some times I even think that she knows who Whistledown is and enjoys stringing us along.”

Kate chuckles to herself, she would not be surprised  if Eloise would do just that. It was not that long ago that she was almost convinced that the second born Bridgerton was the illusive lady Whistledown herself, but the article on the fateful night of the Bridgerton ball was enough to squash all suspicions she had. Both families had enough on their plates that night after all.

She still blushes thinking about just what kind of things she was dealing with.

“She would surely enjoy being the one to know, the one to solve the mystery before everyone else.” Kate says smiling, she passes the gossip sheet to Daphne who uses it as a fan. “Rather hot today, is it not?” Kate comments.

Daphne smiles as she lowers the improvised fan. “It is.” She leans over, her voice lowering “And I am afraid my condition is not assisting at all.”

“Look at you brother! able to eat on your own.” Anthony groans. Although he enjoys and cherishes his newfound relationship with Eloise sometimes, just sometimes he finds himself working really hard to suppress his familiar annoyance with her antics. Although he does find them infinitely more charming now. Most times at least.

The bed dips as she sits down next to him, her hands going to the papers he has discharged before, signed and ready to be send to the solicitor. “Please do not mess these papers’ order, Benedict has arranged for the solicitor to be here for them tomorrow morning and I have at least a dozen more contracts to review.” Eloise places the papers slowly down, “I did not say you could not read them sister. Just put them back in the order you found them.” He can see her smile from the corner of his eye as she picks up the already signed papers in her hands.

He is not sure how long the two of them sat together, Eloise silently reading the papers he finishes, both of them working, and learning in silence.

“I really enjoy spending time with you, you know.” Eloise says softly as she puts down the last contract. It stuns Anthony to silence for a moment.

“I really enjoy spending time with you too, sister.”

Kate heard footsteps coming from behind her, she knew who it was even before turning around. If she was honest with herself she dreaded the moment a little.

“Your Highness.” Prince Friedrich smiles brightly; he drops a kiss on her hand.

“May I?”  

He sits down on the bench across from her, his posture completely stiff, unnatural.

“I know what you are about to ask me your highness. And my answer will be whatever my sister’s answer is.” She sees his shoulders drop, a deep exhale leaving his lips.

“Miss Sharma, your sister and I have discussed about our future, our shared future. And although I have not asked her officially I do intend, as it’s honorable, to ask her to marry me and become not only my wife but a princess of Prussia as well.” The title takes Kate’s breath away a little, she always dreamed giving her sister the best she could, to finally have it taking form in front of her is to say the least breathtaking.

“As I told you before your highness, as long as my sister is in agreement with this plan of yours, I will not voice any objections on the matter. I have come to realize that my sister is more than capable of deciding her own future. I know it might sound absurd to you, but it is the way our family works. And I hope that if my sister is to accept your proposal you will respect it and maybe even follow it with your own children when you will be blessed with them.”

He smiles softly, “Your sister said the same thing, and as I told her, I will be delighted to explore all family traditions with your sister throughout our lives.”

“That is more than enough for me.”

Kate has a kick on her step as she returns to the main house, she can see the lights flickering inside the drawing room, the duke’s office is lit as well, and of course like always Anthony’s bedroom lights. She plans on visiting a little later, he had a lot of contracts awaiting his signature, a lot of work that had to be completed before the solicitor’s visit tomorrow. She left him to his work for the whole day but now she is more than ready to see him again.

She finds him sitting up in his bed, a quill in one hand a paper on his other hand. He notices her entering the room, a smile forming on his lips as he looks up. She finds herself willingly getting lost in his dark eyes. After a lot of thought they have ended up being her favorite thing about him after all.

“How was your day, my love?” he asks, the paper and quill discarded on his side table as soon as she sneaks underneath the covers with him.

“Long, but surprisingly rewarding and fulfilling at the end.” He looks at her slightly perplexed, she was convinced that the all knowing Duke of Hastings would have already notified him of what had transpired between her and Prince Fredrich earlier in his gardens, she has no delusion that anything said or done within the property remains hidden for long from the Duke and Duchess, but she also finds herself being very happy at being allowed to be the one to inform Anthony.

“The prince had to leave early, but he came and found me at the gardens before his departure. He wanted to talk, about his future with Edwina.” She notices how he slightly stiffens at the mention of her sister’s future, she knows that technically in few short months, maybe weeks, his former intended’s future will lay in his hands. At least for the ton’s eyes.

“And? Did he ask for a dowry?”

“No, in fact he did not even mention anything regarding a dowry.” She says. Anthony bites his lip, “If he asks, I will pay it.”

“No!” she knew he would offer; she was certain he would not back down. Feeling responsible for his behavior costing Edwina the dowry she worked so hard to secure for her.

“Kate, please, allow me to help, if the prince asks for a dowry I want to provide it for her, just like I have and will do for all my sisters.”

She shakes her head, “Fine but you will have to talk to Edwina about it. And only if the prince asks.”

“Alright. If the prince asks for a dowry I will reassure Edwina that I am willing to provide her with just that.”

“Good, now do you want to hear what the prince and I actually talked about?”

Chapter Text

She finds herself once again waiting for the doctors to finish with Anthony, today, finally, the dowels securing his leg in place to avoid further damage come off. It’s been a little over six weeks since the dreaded day his sister woke up to find him laying at the bottom of the stairs, half dead, fighting for his life. Nowadays it seems so far away and yet so close, recent, like a fresh wound still bleeding at the smallest nick.

She hates how she still sometimes wakes up, cold sweat drenching her back, only thing that calms her is the soft raise and fall of Anthony’s chest next to her. Most nights she barely needs to move away from the bed anymore. Shocking what having Anthony just next to her could do for her worse nightmares.

The door opens, she almost expects it to be Benedict, even though he left this exact room not even an hour ago. Instead her sister enters the room, she smiles, it makes Kate smile back at her.

“I brought us some chai, I thought the wait would be even more unbearable if you spend it alone.” She places the tray down at the small table next to her, Kate quickly gets on making two cups.

“How are you feeling didi?” Edwina’s hand covers hers, stops her movements. Kate places the cup down and looks up at her sister. It’s shocking how older she looks at this moment, it is almost like the baby she raised from the moment their father died, had suddenly turned into a woman, a young, beautiful, smart and intuitive woman.

“I am well enough bon. I do wish I could be present at this moment, but I am well enough knowing that even if the doctors say something that Anthony will not want me to know about his recovery out of some misguided sense of protecting me, which he still gets from time to time, mind you, there’s no way the Duke will lie to his wife, and the Duchess and I have agreed to share any and all information the stubborn brothers in law might be sharing with one another but not with us.”

“Smart, very smart.” Edwina smirks as she takes the cup she finished up preparing as Kate was talking and bringing it to her lips.

“What happened with your prince?” Kate asks smirking, she needed something to distract her so much, her sister’s happiness at the moment she mentioned the prince was enough for Kate.

“Well, he told me that he wants to marry me, which I am sure he told you too.” Kate nods smiling, “He is going to tell his aunt, that’s why is returning to London, mostly. He wants to tell her and start preparations for the engagement and subsequent marriage.”

“I am very happy for you bon, I can see how delighted you are, and how much you both love one another. I watched the two of you long enough to see that he loves you just as much as you do.” Edwina blushes, as she bites her lower lip looking down. “Have you discussed where you might live after the marriage? Will it be here for some times or straight to Prussia?”

“Well Fredrich has some studies to complete in Oxford, so for a few years at least we will be stationed mostly in England with some traveling back to Prussia for important events.”

“And will you be happy with this arrangement?”

“Extremely.”

“Well Lord Bridgerton, it seems that your leg is completely healed, although it do have to warn you that you will have to be very careful for at least the rest of the year to avoid any relapsing so to speak. That means no horse riding, and of course avoid any type of further injury.” Anthony smiles tightly at the doctor, the newly freed flesh of his leg tingles, almost burns, he feels the need to scratch his skin off, it feels stiff and unbending from his thigh down. He tries moving his knee to extend his leg, it feels like the muscle refuses to move at all, only small painful movements.

“It will take time my lord.” The doctor’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts, “But I am certain you will be up and running in no time at all if you take the next couple weeks at most slowly.”

Anthony smiles tightly, he hates having to take things slowly, from somewhere in the back he can hear Benedict barely controlling his giggling laughter. Covering it, badly if he may add with a couple coughs. “Thank you for your assistance doctor.” Anthony adds through clenched teeth, “My brother will handle your payment on the way out.” He quickly dismisses the doctor with a curt move of his head.

Benedict leads the doctor out of the room, leaving Anthony alone with Simon who spend the whole examination and removal of the dowels, now sitting discarded on the corner of the room, mostly in silence, just a couple of words and those of greetings were uttered throughout.

“Why are you so silent?” Anthony asks as he looks towards his oldest friend.

“Your sister kept me up the whole night.”

“I did not require that knowledge!” Anthony said quickly, the mere thought of exactly how his sister might have kept him up was enough to cause his breakfast to fight its way up and out of his stomach.

“Not like that you imbecile! She was sick the whole night!”

Anthony feels the tops of his ears burning red, “Sorry” he mutters. It takes him a moment of silence to connect what Simon said and he remembers something his father told her a long time ago, back when his mother was carrying and she would bolt to the closest room chamber pot, getting violently sick. “It means the baby is healthy if a little bit opinionated.”

“My father told me that constant sickness means the baby is healthy if a little bit opinionated.” Anthony tells him with a smile.

Simon scuffs, “Just what I need, another opinionated Bridgerton.” He tries to hide the smirk forming on his lips.

“Oh spare me the woe is me Simon, Augie is an angel!”

“An angel that threw a tantrum over having to wear bottoms today.”

Kate spends the rest of time talking about Edwina’s hope for how the wedding will be, she was dead against anything that might even resemble her last attempt at matrimony. No peacocks or golden live statues. She even offered to show her some of the sketches she made of how she imagines her dress to look, as the last wedding dress went straight back to the modiste’s right after the fateful day in the palace, never wanting to see it again. A sentiment shared not only by Edwina and Kate, but by their mama and Lady Danbury as well.

Kate even shared some small details of what her plans entailed. Small details of what she and Anthony had planned, she made sure not to mention anything about his offer to pay for her dowry, she was certain that Edwina would outright refuse and she didn’t want to be the one to face whatever emotion she might be feeling hearing the offer after all. But she shared some things, she even found it in herself to share some things about the future she and Anthony had planned for themselves.

“You know as long as I never have to play another lawn game with your future husband I will gladly be your maid of honor.”

Kate walks up to Anthony’s room some time later after seeing Benedict walk back inside the entrance after having walked the doctor out. She opens the door to his room, Anthony is not on the bed, looking around the room she realizes he is nowhere to be seen. “Anthony?” she calls out.

There is a moment of silence before she hears footsteps, and a soft tapping sound coming from the dressing room to her left.

“Hey!” she looks towards his voice, he is standing up, although leaning heavily on the cane in his hand. She walks towards him, taking his free arm.

“I am standing.”

“So I have noticed.”

Chapter Text

Anthony had gotten used to the cane rather quickly and although he longed for the day he would have to completely throw it away, Hyacinth had already taken to teasing him about looking like an old man with it, he enjoyed the freedom to leave his room, walk around the castle, the stairs took some getting used to, but he managed to handle them alright after all.

He also enjoyed walking to dinner with Kate on his arm, they had finally started talking openly about the wedding, he found himself enjoying the talks much more this time around, it seemed that spending what seemed like endless hours of the day talking about flowers and colors and locations or guests, from something unbearably exhausting turned into something exciting and delightful. Of course it drove his mother and he imagines Lady Mary and Lady Danbury up a wall, Kate and to his surprise Edwina seemed to be enjoying it, therefore, he is more than okay with making the three matriarchs more frustrated than he had ever seen them.

After all it seemed like the closer their departure came the more there seemed to be someone hovering over Kate and him. Chaperones seemed to be popping around them all the time they were outside, almost as if preparing them for the intense scrutiny they would have to face back in London. To his surprise though, Eloise informed him that there not be much of a scandal as the ever infamous Lady Whistledown had taken care of it for them already just fine. So helpful the usually unhelpful gossip writer had been that Anthony was getting almost whiplash. He does not mind it, not really, it is frustrating though.

“Penny for your thoughts my lord?” he is surprised to hear he voice behind him, so deep in his thoughts he was, she had managed to not only walk inside but also walk right next to him on his desk before he was alerted to her presence.

“Nothing in particular my lady, just everything happening.”

She sits down on the bed, gently pushing some papers back before she climbs onto the surface, her skirts fanning around her.

“Wedding preparations worn you out so soon?” she laughs, a soft delightful melody in his ears as he smiles back, his hand instinctively reaches over to her clothed thigh, rubbing circles right above her knee, he remembers all too well how soft the skin there was. Her hand covers his, her fingers intertwining with his prompting him almost to share his thoughts with her, even if they are many and scrambled together.

“I was thinking about, well how luckily for us, Lady Whistledown seems to have turned into somewhat of an ally rather than a meddlesome bum.” Kate chuckles, her fingers threading through his hair, “You kiss your mother with that mouth my lord.” She jokes.

“No, just you.”

Kate takes one last look at her room, she didn’t spend much time in it but objectively it was a beautiful room. This time around she will have to travel with her sister, not Anthony, they already said their goodbyes before he left, she imagines he will be in London by the time the rest of them start for Clyvedon.

“How does it feel to know that the next time you visit you will have a new name?” Kate looks back startled.

“Lady Danbury!” her hands smooth out her skirt, even though no wrinkles were visible on the unblemished fabric, “I did not hear you coming.”

“That was not the question child.” Kate has seen the smirk on the older woman’s face before, her eyes following her as she walks inside, taking a seat on the couch by the window. “Well?” she asks again, the end of her cane showing Kate the other seat across from her to seat down.

“It feels, almost like a dream.” Kate does not know what else to say about the entire situation she found herself. Some days she still thinks she will wake up and everything will be a lie. How to explain the nightmares, the feeling that she will turn in her bed, wake up only to learn that he died after that fall. Or that she has not woken up, maybe she hasn’t after her fall from her horse and all that is nothing more than daydreams of her injured brain. She waits for something to come from Lady Danbury but the woman stays mute. No sound, nothing.

“I am still struggling some times to wrap my mind around everything happening, everything changing around me.”

“Hmm, I imagined as much” she says softly, “I have arranged for your mother and sister to leave earlier, you’ll travel with me on my carriage back. Everyone was so ingulfed in Lord Bridgerton’s recovery these past few weeks that we forgot that you, my dear, were recovering as well.”

XXXX

Anthony did not exactly hated having to travel with his mother and younger siblings to London, he didn’t exactly loved it either. Hyacinth had demanded, and won, the seat next to him, he found it a bit hard to work with her cuddled up on his side, but he won’t complain, he could never complain about it. It has been some time since the last time Hyacinth had seek him out like that, so long in fact that he had missed it greatly.

She had fallen asleep almost as soon as they left the grounds of the estate, his mother had smiled when she saw them, and she had remained like that, asleep, and angelic almost, long after Gregory went to sleep too, his head leaning on their mother’s lap.

“You have been good with these two.” She says softly, so she will not disturb the two sleeping children.

“No, I was not.” He mutters, he hates it that he cannot accept anything good being told about him, not even from his mother. Or maybe especially by his mother.

“There’s no need to deny it, darling, both Gregory and Hyacinth, as much as we both hate to admit it, grew up with you, you raised them as much as I did.” She looks down towards the sleeping Hyacinth on his side, there’s a remorseful look on her face, “Maybe even more than I did.”

“Mother.”

“No.” she looks to be struggling with words, it breaks his heart to see it, it is almost as if he is just eighteen again and she is sleeping through his fingers and he is standing there unable to do anything. “I know this is painful, but it is the truth. And as you are getting ready to take this next step in your life, I think you need to hear it as many times as it takes for you to understand and believe me when I say that you will be an excellent father, because you’ve already been an excellent surrogate father for those two kids.”

The first part of the trip was silent, Kate spend most of the time looking outside the window at the passing scenery she had missed on their way there. It was only after they had taken their first stop to let the horses have some rest and water that Lady Danbury broke the silence.

“Well, I feel like it is my job to inform you of what exactly awaits you and Lord Bridgerton upon our return to London.”

Kate tenses up a little, the book her sister lent her seemed useless in taking her mind off of things, “And what exactly is it Lady Danbury?” she asks. Deep down she knows, or at least she imagines, something similar to what her sister and the prince were doing was awaiting her and Anthony. She hates it but at the same time she feels a little bit grateful for having the past few weeks, over a month to be exact to get to spend time with him away from scrutiny, away from protocols and stuffy ballrooms. But still she mourns the freedom. She mourns it greatly.

“The two of you will quietly announce your engagement, you will let his lordship do the honors, you will be pleasing, smiling, delightful company to the ladies of the ton that will surely swarm the future Viscountess. Given that your sister’s engagement will be announced after the prince’s return from Prussia in two weeks from now, the focus and spotlight will be on you for that time. You will handle it gracefully. There will be no unchaperoned meetings, no sneaking off on a horse at dawn, no hiding away at a ball. Absolutely nothing that will cause even the smallest of whispers.” Kate nods silently, this was almost worse than she imagined. She had hoped that there would be something, well someone, namely the prince, who would be taking the attention off of her and Anthony allowing them to continue on their lives more or less unbothered, but now with him out of town for two more weeks she will without a doubt be the center of attention. Just where she hates to be.

“What about Edwina?”

“What about her?”

“Would it not be prudent there is more attention to her, seeing as she will be a princess and will have to move to a new country?” Lady Danbury’s chuckle tells her all she needs to know.

“I thought you were smarter than that Miss Sharma.”

“Yeah, I thought so too.”

“I will be inviting the Sharmas for tea tomorrow at Bridgerton House.” His mother says. They had just started seeing the outskirts of the city, Hyacinth and Gregory had both woken up. The two of them stop playing chess, on the bench across from their mother and brother, ears perked.

“Yes, that would be nice. I will have to meet with the solicitor about a few things in the morning, but I will be home in the evening if that’s alright.” Violet chuckles.

“Oh darling” she places a hand on her eldest son’s shoulder, “There is no need for you to be there for that!” she can tell he is struggling, he wants to be there, just like he wanted to be there while they talked flowers and venues and cultural traditions. “I promise you it will be nothing more than an opportunity to show Kate her new home. You go meet with the solicitor, as it is your duty to do as the Viscount, and let me introduce and prepare your bride to be the lady of the house as it is my duty to do. Alright?”

Anthony smiles, his head falls in amusement, it still takes her by surprise how younger her son looks when he actually smiles. It is almost like the burden is completely lifted off of his shoulders and she has to thank Miss Sharma for that.

“Alright.”

Chapter Text

The next two weeks were exactly as torturous as Kate had imagined. Families that had previously snubbed the lowly Sharma family now seemed to swarm the drawing room of Lady Danbury’s manor for a chance to meet with them. The future princess, the queen’s diamond, and the future viscountess, the spinster sister.

Mundane conversations about mind numbing issues seemed to be all everyone could talk these days around her. Innuendos about kids fast approaching. It is in moments like these that she curses Anthony for not only being a man but being a member of the ton. If he was not who he was then she would not be in the mess she finds herself being right now. But then again, if he wasn’t who he is then he would not be the man she knows and loves. She still wants to wrangle him some times.

“We have been invited for tea at Lady Harrington’s today.” Her sister says with a groan. “I hate the social circle.” Edwina covered her face with one of the silky pillows in Kate’s bed.

“Just wait until your prince is back and the two of you announce your betrothal. Now that will be a social circle circus.” Kate says putting a few flyaway behind her ear. “And in any case, Bon, I have asked and both Eloise and Miss Penelope Featherington will be at this tea.”

“Yey! Someone to talk” her muffled voice said under the pillow.

XXXX

“Eloise! I… I did not expect you coming over.”

“I want to talk to you Pen, you think your mother will allow you to come for a promenade with me?” Eloise says “There’s something I want us to talk about.”

Penelope looks shocked, she always expected this moment was going to come, she was just surprised it came so soon.

“Come in, I will go and ask her.”

Her mama did not put up nearly enough fight, she is certain that she prefers her out of her, and Prudence’s feet any way.

“I know it’s you.” Eloise said softly.

“El, please let me explain.”

“No, it’s alright, I want to say some things first if that is alright with you.”

“Of course.” Penelope awaits quietly the impending destruction of everything she holds dear. Realizing that after all it was by her own quill.

“I am mad, mostly that you hid it from me. And I want an explanation, why did you write what you did about me? Why out your own cousin?” Eloise was trying very hard not to let the anger she felt when she first worked out it was Penelope hiding behind Lady Whistledown, it is hard, so very hard, but she manages it well. At least she thinks so.

“Even if I try I do not think I have a good enough explanation for what I did to Marina. I have reached out to her, tried to explain, eventually I did what I should have done from the beginning and simply apologized. I wanted to protect your family, I knew that Colin and Marina were going to run off to Gretna Green and, this was the only thing I could think that would stop it. As far as what I wrote about you, I tried, really hard to find something to write that would not leave a permanent stain on you or your family, but something bad enough that the queen would stop suspecting you as Lady Whistledown. I never wanted you to take the blame for something I did. My family is already a pariah, I never wanted for the same to happen to yours, and it would happen, had the queen figured out you were lying to her. She would consider your entire family as traitors to the crown and  lord knows what would come out from that.” Penelope pauses for a moment, her words twirl around Eloise’s mind, she hates that she finds reason in what Penelope says, she hoped she would find everything very black and white, right or wrong situation that she could easily distinguish and judge. But what Penelope said was grey, the entire situation was nothing but grey, and grey is what Eloise hates.

“I understand.” She says softly.

“But you do not forgive me.”

“I am not quite sure I can yet.”

“I can accept that. For what is worth I am truly sorry for what I wrote.”

“Thank you.”

XXXX

The tea was just as mundane as Kate had imagined it would be, surely having Eloise there was a comfort, she could simply grab her future sister in law’s arm and avoid the rudest of crowds when her sister became to swarmed by debutants to be saved, which to Edwina’s all apparent horror happened twice, but it still was to be honest unbearable.

They returned as fast as they could back at Lady Danbury’s home, eating dinner in silence. Kate was getting ready for bed when she heard a knock on her door. “Come in.” she says her attention drawn back to her tying off the thick braid she pulled her hair in for sleep.

“I hope this is not too late for a little chat.” Kate turns to see probably the last person she expected at this late hour standing at her door. Lady Danbury wrapped in a marron robe over her nightdress, cane in front of her and an ivory envelope in her hand.

“No, not at all ma’am” the older woman smiles, her steps slow and heavy as she walks to the small sofa across her vanity.

“Tomorrow you are to visit the modiste’s, your mother and sister will be there, as well as Lady Bridgerton and The Duchess. As you will be getting fitted for your wedding attire, there will be quite some interest in tomorrow’s visit, which Lady Bridgerton and myself will try and curb to the best of our abilities, regardless you should be expecting many a questions about it. Both tomorrow as well as the day after at the Hastings ball.  As it is expected that your sister will announce her betrothal at said ball I will expect the pressure as well as the attention of all the ton to be especially focused on you. Now Miss Edwina and His highness will surely have to appear as perfectly unblemished a couple as there is, which I am sure they will manage for a night, it does not mean that you and The Viscount can just run off in some garden.” Kate feels like chocking on air, she coughs a couple times trying to open her airway.

Her apparent distress makes Lady Danbury smile. “Of course given that Lord Bridgerton still uses a cane to move around, sneaking is not going to be easy for him. Nonetheless I would not put it past him to try which is why I expect you to remind him kindly that we do not need any whiff of impropriety in the air, and certainly no seven-month babes. Am I understood Miss Sharma?”

“Very much so Lady Danbury.”

“Perfect.”

XXXX

If mundane tea parties and endless promenades by the lake were bad, Kate decided that having your measurements taken for a nightdress with your future mother-in-law within hearing distance, especially as your sister was holding two, very sheer looking, swatches of fabric was worse. Much, much worse.

Kate was looking over fabric after fabric, various shades of pastel shades of pink, peach, blue, white and ivory blending with one another. Her eyes felt almost like they were bleeding when she saw Lady Bridgerton sitting next to her, in the seat recently vacated by her mama who moved in front to assist Edwina with the fabric of her dress as her maid of honor.

“My dear, I cannot help but notice that you do not like any of the shades of white, pink, ivory or blue Madame Delacroix has shown you, and this woman has the finest selection of silks I have ever seen in my life, so if I am not invading too terribly, mind telling me what is the issue?”

“It is not that I do not like them.” Kate pauses, what she wants to say feels ungrateful to even think, here she is about to marry a man she loves, and most importantly loves her back and all she can think about is how she will have to look nothing like she had imagined she might back when she was a child, painting in vibrant watercolors what her future might look like.

“Then what is it dear?”

“I do not want to seem ungrateful, because I am not” she says hastily, “I am extremely grateful for everything that is happening, it is just that, as a child, as many children do, I had an idea of what I might look like on a day such as this, and now being faced with the options available it, differs, and I suppose I simply need some time to adjust to this new vision.”

“Who says you have to adjust to the vision?” Lady Bridgerton asks, a small smirk on her lips as she reaches over and takes the fabric samples from Kate’s hands.

“But Madame Delacroix”

“My dear we are paying, if your vision of your dress differs it is her job that she will assist you to achieve it. and believe me she is not only capable of it, but also very enthusiastic as well.” Kate looks at Lady Bridgerton astonished, she expected many reactions from the woman, many indeed, just none of them nearing what she actually received.

“Tell me about your dress. I assume not white.”

“It is actually very ill luck for a bride to wear white, it is considered a mourning color back home, brides usually wear red.”

“Red it is then.” For years to come, Kate would be able to clearly remember the bright, warm and delighted smile on her mother in law’s face the whole rest of their appointment as they browsed through red silks and golden threads.

Chapter Text

She looked herself in the mirror in disbelief, Kate was very much used to being the ugly sister, the old one, the spinster, the one no one would take another look at, but the woman in front of her, or more specifically, the young woman looking back at her was anything but. Her hair was up in a soft updo, light curls framing her face, her skin was glowing, only assisted by the glittery powder blue gown she was wearing. There was silver embroidery on the sleeves and bottom of her skirt, silver silky gloves. She looks every bit like the young woman about to marry in a weeks’ time she is.

“Didi, are you ready?” Edwina pokes her head inside, she is dressed in a beautiful peach gown,, her curls pilled carefully in an elegant updo befitting of her new role in society as the future princess of Prussia, the future niece of the Queen of England. Kate feels an enormous wave of pride flood her at the sight, so very proud for her sister and the bright future that will come.

“I am ready, Bon, let us go.” She follows her smiling sister out of the room and down the corridor, tonight will be her last night in the city as an unmarried woman she realizes as she looks at the carriage in front of her. This is the last time she will be driven in one of Lady Danbury’s carriages for a ball. The last time she will attend a ball as Miss Sharma and all is so very bittersweet. More than she thought it might be. It was nothing but a name just like her name will soon be another, linked to her husband’s title, this one linked to her father. And although it was simply a name it was hers, for the last eight and twenty years. And although she is happy, delighted that she will be marrying Anthony soon, the change of name and almost identity is frightening. She wants to bring it up with Anthony, but also does not. He would like to know of her fears, he was adamant about it, insisting on knowing how she was especially since coming back from Clyvedon. Small notes and letters always appearing alongside his daily bouquet of flowers. She wants to tell him; of that she is certain. But on the other hand she does know him well enough to know that he will not quite understand. It is probable that he will feel guilty, something she does not want him to feel any guilt, the decision as heartbreaking it might be, is hers alone, probably the first one in a long time she made on her own and for her own good alone. But he is like her, in so many ways, many more than she allowed herself to acknowledge in the early days of their acquaintance, and he will feel as if it is all his fault.

Still, she finds herself longing to tell him, to talk about her fears even if they crush them, for she knows the crush will be only temporary and nothing more. Now she knows that they have survived worse, they will survive most everything as long as they had one another.

The carriage slows down as they come closer to the stately home of the Duke and Duchess; Kate starts feeling fidgety, too fidgety. She can just make the Prince’’’’’’’’’’’s carriage pulling away, and Edwina’s small excited sign next to her tells her that the head of blond curls waiting for them is none other than her future brother-in-law waiting for them. She smiles, it is not until Lady Danbury, her mama and sister are out of the carriage that she sees the man standing next to the Prince, a couple steps back greeting them warmly, walking towards the door, gently pushing away the hand of the page who was there to assist her getting down. She is delighted to see that he has ditched the cane, even if it’s just for a while, she knows soon enough his knee will start acting up and burning slightly at every move and he will resort to begrudgingly using the cane again, leaning against walls and furniture to take the pressure off of his slowly healing mangled leg.

“You look astonishing dear.” He says, voice low, soft only for her to hear. It makes her smile, she feels almost warmer at his words, and the warmth from his arm is such anchoring force. She feels like she’s back in Clyvedon, tucked away in his arms, in a comfortable bed, behind a tightly shut door.

“You seem tense” he asks as they walk inside, slower than the rest of the party, still under the watchful eye of Lady Danbury, keeping up the appearances of the perfectly innocent courtship they have been putting up for the last two weeks almost since they got back in the city, she has never been more thankful that this time is coming to an end finally.

“It is simply nerves, I think.” She whispers, she can see him tensing up next to her, her hand clasps his arm tighter, “It is not as bad as your raging imagination is assuming Anthony.” She sees him biting the inside of his lip, trying and failing to keep the smile from forming on his lips.

“I do not have a raging imagination” he whispers.

“Of course you do not my lord.”

XXXX

“I hope you are not hiding from the entire family Miss Sharma.” Kate feels the glass slip from her hand, a couple small drops of her drink falling to the floor as she tries to balance her drink once more.

“Your Grace! No, no hiding at all in fact” she says tight smile on her lips. She was in fact hiding, not from her future family though, so in her defense she wasn’t lying.

Daphne laughs, “Well the place seems a little hide-y, in fact it is a favorite hiding spot of Augie’s. and my brother did became rather restless when he could not locate you.”

“Alright., so yes I did in fact hide, just not from you or your brother.”

“The mamas”

“The ever dreadful.” Kate chuckles, “I’ have been asked more times than I can count about babes, and been hinted that it is wise the Viscount and I start right away.” Daphne winches, “I am sorry this is your brother.”

“Oh, no, no, do not fret about, I know my brother and he was not a saint before he met you. Not to mention I now, do know where babies come from. Or come about. And I hope so do you?”

“I do in fact, someone had to warn Edwina after all.” Kate cannot fail to notice how relieved Daphne looks at the sound of that. “I simply needed a little time away from it all, simply to reflect if I may on the rather monumental changes coming in my life.”

“Marriage, even under the best of circumstances can be rather life altering experience. And if I may comment you and my brother had a rather eventful and traumatizing trip to the aisle. You are allowed to be overwhelmed, our family is overwhelming by nature after all. And the English ton can be even worse. We want to pride ourselves as these highly educated and proper creatures but in truth under all the frills, lace and powder we are quite common, savages almost. We enjoy the pain and suffering, we devour gossip, the more scandalous the better. And so you and my brother, and sadly your sister too, were dragged into this vicious gossip cycle.” Daphne pulls a bottle of what looks and smells like brandy alongside two crystal glasses, pouring a healthy amount of the amber liquid in each, passing one to Kate while taking a few sips from the other cup.

“Does it ever stop?” Kate asks, she doesn’t know what she wants to hear, she knows that her and Anthony will never not be interesting to the ton, they will simply have to learn and live with the ever-present scrutiny but then again she wants to believe that at some point they might simply fade a little to the background.

“Stop?” Daphne chuckles, “No, not really, but it does get better.”

The remain silent, nursing their glasses, she notices that the duchess has stopped drinking hers after the first couple sips, she tries to focus on anything other than her thoughts, the fears, worries and nerves that plagued her all day returning slowly to her mind as the room is filled with silence. She would hate to start her married life with such secret between her and Anthony, of that she is certain. Maybe, just maybe the drink she had made everything just a little bit clearer, because she could, truly, honestly could, and should tell Anthony of what has been bothering.

“May I ask for a favor?”

The duchess looks intrigued at the request, but there’s also a small sparkle in her eye, “Go ahead.” She says softly.

“Could you maybe fetch your brother, I fear that my sudden disappearance, along with some earlier nerves I had exhibited might have turned him into quite a menace for the rest of the guests.”

Daphne laughs, loudly, slight snorting sound coming out from her nose, “Oh dear, you will soon find out that menace for Anthony is his natural state.”

XXXX

“I do not understand why you must drag me to the inside when I have clearly stated that I intent to find my betrothed which was last seen walking towards the garden!” Anthony complains as his sister is pulling him, at a slightly faster pace than he is comfortable following, his cane, which he reluctantly started using about twenty minutes after entering the ballroom dragging every second step he takes.

“And I do not understand brother why you would think, I am against you having some quality, quiet time with Miss Sharma.” Daphne says, she stops abruptly in front of a door, Anthony is not quite sure what it leads to, but suddenly, everything clicks together, why he is dragged at the opposite directions of where everyone says Kate has gone, why Daphne would not take no for an answer.

“Thank you sister.”

She chuckles, “You would be utterly lost without me and you know it.”

He does not bother to correct her, not that he has the time, after all she is quickly turning on her heel and walking back down the corridor they crossed, soon vanishing around a corner.

He knows she is waiting on the other side of the door, and he knows that she probably has not changed her mind, at least he hopes she hasn’t. surely if she had then she would not tell him at a ball, and surely not one thrown for their engagement. He opens the door, she is sitting with her back turned to the door, looking out the window, “My sister told me you wanted to speak to me” he hates how small his voice sounds, he hates that he can hear his insecurities peek through. He hates how small he feels. And the way she turns, the smile she gives him tells him she did too.

“You mind is running wild again dear.” She tells him with a smile. It makes him feel a little better, her words, the intoxicating aroma of her slowly engulfing him as she walks in front of him. Her hands are warm as they take his, she is a warm anchor to his running mind.

“You wanted to talk?” he asks, he is trying, so much to calm himself down, he is trying not to worry, he knows it will only make her worry, he hates making her worry, especially for him.

“I am afraid I gotten a little too overwhelmed by the guests and the questions and their stares. I felt like I needed a moment alone. Although I soon realized that alone-ness wasn’t exactly what I needed. Not anymore.” His breath hitches a little at her words., he expected a lot from her lips but those words were not it.

“You will always have me by your side, this is not up for discussion, not for a single moment. Not again.” He brings her gloved hand to kis lips, he wishes he could touch her warm skin underneath, but he resisted. He promised, first to himself, that he was going to give her the courtship she deeply deserved, one that his impulsiveness and stupidity stole from her. He now sees that he should have focused on her, and only on her as his wildly beating heart was screaming,

“I know that my love, and it is as reassuring as anything in the world. But sometimes I cannot help but wonder if all the change, welcomed as is, might be a little overwhelming.” She looks down, seemingly ashamed of the words that have escaped her lips. It suddenly all makes sense in Anthony’s troubled mind, her behavior, her nervous reactions to so many things.

“We could always travel back to India if you ever feel homesick.” He blurts out, she smiles, he knows what will follow and he doesn’t know how exactly to express to her that he was willing to take the months long trip to her home country and back for her. “Anthony” she whispers softly.

“I know what you are about to say my love, I know your worries about the long trip and my duties to the family, the house of lords and so on, but you need to worry not. I will find the way if you want me to. There’s advisors to assist, and even though it pains me to say Benedict will do just fine standing in my place. He has proven himself even begrudgingly that he is capable, more than. He will be just fine.”

He hopes his words calm her, even a little, it seems they did, her face softens, the smile on her lips widens, “Well now made my worries seem completely unreasonable”

“Never, my love, never.”

XXXX

She tried getting as much sleep as she could, the trip to Anthony’s family home would be long and tiresome at the best circumstances, but her circumstances are going to be anything but. She feels sick, her worries surrounding her like a vise, she loved the knowledge that soon, much too soon really she would be allowed to be in the same room, same bed. She is more than excited, not only for the marital act, which would surely follow, although in the past few days she without a doubt felt a wild fire building underneath her skin, rushing through her veins like the warmest of liquids. The small taste she got of his mouth exploring her privates swirling in her mind, keeping her awake. She knows there will be more that they will be allowed, even encouraged to do, in order to be soon with child, and she feels elated. She knows very well that she has to do with someone much more experienced than her, Anthony was very honest with her about his past relations and although the pang of jealousy was strong when she heard him, she was relieved she would not have to walk about the ton wondering if each member of the ton she meets has seen her husband naked. Thankfully he was careful in that aspect, she assumes mostly for his mother’s sake, but eventually it is for her own sake as well.

Nonetheless, her sleep was neither peaceful nor uninterrupted. She found herself waking up quite a lot. Unable to fall back to sleep for a rather long time. She wonders if Anthony felt the same worries last night, if the trip to Kent was for him just as mindbogglingly different as it was for her? He left a couple of days ago, wanting to look over the last-minute details in the preparation of the house for her arrival and subsequent stay as the lady of said house. He whispered many a times in her ear about how she wouldn’t be using the Viscountess’ apartment much, if at all, how he was determined not to sleep without her again after their wedding. His words sending shivers down her spine as she tried to keep her composure on the outside. He still wanted her to have a private place to withdraw if the need did arose. He reassured her time and time again that all changes made would be fully reversable. She finds his nerves endearing, although she was never going to admit it to him.

Looking out the window of the moving carriage the hustle and bustle of the city slowly disappears behind them, the soft murmurs of her mother and sister fill the small space pleasantly slowly lulling her to a sweet sleep that evaded her so greatly last night.

XXXX

“Anthony dear please sit down you will tire your knee if you continue so.” Violet tried to get her son to calm down once more, the limp becoming more and more noticeable by each passing minute he refuses to rest up even for a little while.

“I am not in pain mother.” He walks towards the window again “Is she late? Could she not be coming?” he mutters. Violet rolls her eyes behind her son’s back, she looks at him fondly, remembering with almost a shiver his cold indifference the last time they, and especially he, was just mere days away from his impending nuptials. His hand grasped the cane in his hand tightly, knuckles slowly but surely turning white with the pressure. Violet has had enough, with his stubbornness, she got up and walked to her stubborn son, her hand touching his shoulder “Anthony dear.” She coaxes him away from the window and down a chair, “Her dress got picked up according to schedule from the modiste last night and Lady Danbury’s carriage was set to leave London early this morning, she and the rest of her family shall be arriving in a short couple hours.” He exhales softly, she looks into his eyes, there’s turmoil there she hates, but longed to see as well. She came to associate such looks with the nerves connected to first love, the true, deep kind that will last you a lifetime kind.

“I am overreacting aren’t I mama?” he asks softly. Violet chuckles as she sits down next to her son, wrapping her arm around his shoulders softly, “No more than I would have expected darling.”