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It’s a raining, quiet day. The first in a while, Takina notes. Sighing, she shuts the blinds and collapses back on her bed. She feels… restless, another first in a long, long time. Before LycoReco, before Chisato, back in the DA, on a day like this, she would have been… content? Yes, content is probably the word. She didn’t used to long for social activity, for life, for…
“Chisato….”
She releases another sigh, buries her head in her pillow. Yeah. She misses Chisato. An ache in her chest. She kicks her feet in embarrassment. Also a first. Her heart settles after a moment, dulled by the patter of rain. Her frown feels heavy, oppressive. She’s depressed. In hindsight, probably not for the first time.
She sits up right. It’s time for a change in scenery. Tugging on a raincoat and grabbing an umbrella, she steps outside. Fresh air. A bit of sun glowing behind overcast skies. A bird chirps nearby, a reminder that life goes on. She starts walking down the street, down grey cement sidewalk and grey cement walls.
A young boy in a brilliant red raincoat breaks the monochrome, his cheerful laughter uplifting as he splashes through puddles, his two mothers chiding him softly. He stops, waves at her. She waves back, smiles at the couple, tries to conceal the ache in her chest. She wants that, she realizes. She wants what they have. Her heart beats a bit faster at the thought, another reminder that life goes on.
Her smile drops. Chisato doesn’t have that reminder. Her heart will always be silent. Takina peers at the bit of sun hidden behind the clouds wondering if Chisato ever feels sad about it.
How could a ball of sunshine like her ever feel sad? a small voice asks.
But maybe, she muses. Maybe she does on days like today.
Takina finds herself staring across the street at BonBons bakery where Chisato brought her to on their little panty excursion. She still remembers that moment: Chisato helping a French couple with the menu in a cheery voice, the warm breeze and fluffy clouds rolling by overhead, the sweet taste of their sugary pastry on her tongue. Her first smile in a long, long time.
That was the first moment she felt happy.
An idea. She crosses the street and enters the bakery.
“Can you do takeout?”
Chisato rolls over with a groan. Why of all days did it have to rain today? The one day she is alone. She often forgets how silent her life can become. Normally, she has the sunny days’ hustle and bustle to distract herself with. Even on rainy days, she typically has LycoReco to keep herself occupied. But not today.
Her phone rings, disturbing the oppressive silence, illuminating the somber gloom. Takina. Chisato watches the phone vibrate, caught in indecision. She desperately wishes for some noise, for some company, but…. She doesn’t want to let Takina see this side of her. She’s meant to be upbeat, unrelentingly positive, a constant beacon of sunlight. Not like this. Depressed. Unmotivated. Cheerless.
The phone rings its last and falls silent. Darkness returns. Probably for the best….
The doorbell rings. She peers over the sofa at the door in despair. Why can’t the world just let her be miserable?
The doorbell rings again. “Chisato?” comes a muffled voice.
Unwilling to admit her own curiosity, her hope even, Chisato stands, peers out the peephole.
Takina!
She jumps back as if she’s seen a ghost. “Chisato!” She flinches. Why today? she wails silently to herself.
She tries to muster her cheery, bright voice. “Y-yeah, I’ll be right there!” Chisato sniffs, wipes her eyes and nose, tries to pull on her happy face. She takes a deep breath and opens the door.
Takina seems to relax a bit at the sight of her, otherwise looks her usual impassive. “Hey.”
She reaches for her typical joyful greeting. “Ta-ki-na!”
Takina cocks her head, frowns. She lifts a plastic bag. “I brought sweets.”
Chisato claps her hands, leaps up in joy. “BonBons?! You know me too well!” Takina watches her with a strange expression. “Come in, come in! Let me get some plates!”
She retreats into the kitchen, to hide in the familiar gloom. She feels miserable. Probably looks miserable. She clutches her gut, unsure if she could stomach eating. She stands on her tippy-toes and reaches for a plate. Her trembling hand slips. The plate tumbles, crashes into the ground, shatters.
“Ah….”
Dully, in the back of her mind, she knows she has to clean this up, but her feet are rooted in place. All she does is stare, feeling nothing.
“Chisato?”
She should probably respond, say she’s okay, but all she can think about is how is she going to explain this to Takina?
Shuffling feet behind her. “Chisato? Are you okay?”
She starts to speak, but it gets caught in the back of her throat. It all seems so pointless now….
The kitchen lights flash on. “Chisato?”
She startles. “Y-yeah… I’m fine.” She gives Takina a weak smile. “Just dropped a plate is all….”
Takina nods, kneels besides her, begins picking up the shards. “Don’t move. You’ll cut yourself.”
Guilt. Takina’s her guest. She shouldn’t have to do this. Chisato starts to mumble as much.
Takina ignores her. “It’s fine.” Somehow, that only makes the guilt worse. Standing up, Takina dumps the shards into the trash, then grabs a broom and dustpan to get the tinier particles. “You can move now.”
“Th-thank you.” She grabs another plate, this time without dropping it. She takes a deep breath, recenters herself. She beams. “Let’s eat in the den!”
She impales a small piece of shortcake with her fork, hesitates. She doesn’t feel hungry, but she can feel Takina watching her. She braces herself, takes the bite. She chews. It feels rubbery and tastes like Styrofoam. She swallows.
“How is it?” Takina asks.
“Delicious!” she lies.
Takina gives her that weird look. “You don’t have to force yourself to eat.”
“What are you talking about? Of course I want to eat!” She spears a large piece, shovels it in, nearly gags from nausea. “Shee?”
For a brief instant, Chisato thinks she saw a flicker of… disappointment? from the younger girl. She blinks, finds only an unreadable expression. Takina takes a bite of her own, chews, gaze far off.
Silence. Unbearable silence. Chisato can feel Takina growing distant, approaching the inevitable conclusion about her. Chisato can’t let that happen.
“Hey, hey, Ta-ki-na! Why the long face?”
Takina shrugs. “Just one of those days.”
“Hm. Well, I have just the cure for you! DUN-DUN-DUN!” A remote materializes in her hand. “TV!” Takina watches her amusedly. “What shows do you like to watch?”
Takina shrugs. “I don’t watch much TV.”
“Aww, Takina, what kind of sad life is that?!” She bounces up and down. “Come on! What genre do you like? Action? Romance?”
Takina shrugs again, stares out the window at the dreary world beyond. “How about comedy? I heard it’s good when you’re feeling sad.”
“Comedy it is then!”
Chisato selects a sitcom, watches it without much mirth. She glances at Takina. A light smile plays at her lips. She guesses that’s good enough.
Takina catches her staring. “Do you not like it?”
“Eh?”
“The show. Do you not like it?”
“I-I like it!”
Takina sighs. “You don’t have to pretend….”
“W-what?”
“I said you don’t have to pretend! You don’t have to pretend to be happy….” Takina clenches her hands.
“Takina…?”
“Do you get sad?!” she blurts. “On days like today. Do you get sad?”
Chisato lowers her gaze. She’s failed. It’s all over now. “Is that why you came here…?”
Takina looks pained. “Yes.”
“I see….”
Takina fidgets. This really isn’t her strong suit. “I-it’s alright to feel sad!”
Chisato darkens. “It’s not….”
“Chisato…?”
“I shouldn’t be burdening you like this.” She digs her fingers into her arms, oblivious to the pain. “It’s your day off. You shouldn’t have to deal with cheering me up, picking up the broken pieces.”
“Chisato, you aren’t burdening me—”
“Yes, I am! I’m meant to be your senior. I should already have this stuff sorted out. I should be the one comforting you—not—not falling apart like this." Fingernails dig further, draw blood. “I-I try so hard to keep myself happy when I’m at LycoReco, to not drag all of you down with me… b-but then I just end up miserable.
“Something’s wrong with me. I’m incomplete. I should just disappear….” She gives Takina a wan smile. “You’d be better off without me.”
“No, that’s not true.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Y—”
“Chisato, listen to me. It’s not true. Nothing’s wrong with you. Don’t tell yourself that. If you just disappeared one day… I-I don’t know what I’d do with myself, I don’t know what any of us would do! You’re so kind-hearted, always there to cheer us up, always brightening our days with a silly joke or a goofy grin. If you left….
“I came here today because I felt incomplete. I felt sad. I came here because-because I wanted to see you. I-I don’t care if you’re happy or sad. I just want to be here, with you.” Takina wraps her into a hug. “Please don’t go. Please. If you want to be sad, be sad. I’ll ride it out with you. And when you’re finished being sad, I’ll still be here.”
Chisato whimpers, slumps into Takina. “What if I never feel better…?”
“I promise you, you will. Be it in an hour, a day, a week… you’ll feel better.”
“But what if I don’t?”
Takina smiles. “Then I guess I’ll just have to wait here with you… until that sunny day.”