Chapter Text
Lister awoke on Starbug to the sound of wailing sirens.
Still sleepy, he practically fell out of the top bunk. Who knows what the alarm signified today. Burning toast… the ship imploding… maybe this time they really had run out of fabric softener?
Lister supposed the possibilities kept his life interesting.
‘Lister, where the smeg are you?’ Rimmer’s face appeared on the bunk room monitor with full nostril flare. ‘I need you in the cockpit!’
Right. Good morning, Rimmer, thought Lister. The guy was on form again.
‘Hold yeh H, Rimmeh,’ he replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘Wha’s with the sirens?’
Rimmer’s nostrils widened further. Guaranteed trouble.
‘I don’t know Lister, maybe it’s because the ship has gone through the worst space anomaly in life and death memory. An anomaly, I might add, that you have slept through!’
Lister rubbed his face, trying to wake himself up. ‘Gimme a break, Rimmeh. Wha’ kinda space anomaly?’
‘Forgive me, I seem to have forgotten to consult the Space Anomaly Guidebook that sits so conveniently in the cockpit,’ the hologram deadpanned.
Lister turned and stared at the screen. ‘We’ve got a guidebook?’
‘Of course we haven’t, you cretin.’
‘Well, come on man, can yeh at least tell me if it’s a wibbly or a swirly thing?’
Rimmer pretended to consider this and tapped his lips.
‘If I had to categorise it accurately, I would say it’s a “Lister should get his backside down here pronto, unless he wishes to wave goodbye to a year’s supply of vindaloo” thing.’
Lister rolled his eyes and stuffed his hat on, heading out of the bunk room.
*
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the situation had worsened. Having only just recovered from the first anomaly onslaught (that Lister had the audacity to sleep through), the crew were now being thrown around by a strange force battering and buffeting the craft.
‘Kryten, what the smeg is going on?’ grumbled Rimmer as he clung to the console.
‘Well, Sir -’ shouted Kryten over the noise, his head protruding from below the panel where he had fallen. ‘Strangely enough, under current conditions I’m unable to access the answer in my data bank. Perhaps you could ask me again when I’m standing upright and staring through the window.’
Rimmer barely had time to throw the mechanoid an exasperated look before Lister came stumbling in, and he was forced to grab the Scouser’s middle to prevent him falling forwards into the windscreen as the ship took a sharp nosedive.
The crew all cried out, Rimmer only just managing to keep himself and Lister steady with his strong grip on the console.
‘Cat! Can’t yeh level us out a bit?’ shouted Lister.
Cat turned to face him, his hairstyle ruined and completely obscuring his face. ‘Level it out?! I can’t even level out my hair! I look like Cousin It! There’s something going on out there buddy and my nose is not recognising it!’
Lister struggled in vain against the hologram’s arm, trying to prise himself away.
‘Rimmeh! Let go of me, I’ve gotta help ‘im!’
‘Oh, excellent idea, Lister!’ shouted Rimmer, his face scrunched up against the plummet. ‘That way you both go through the window and the Bug goes down, pilot-less! It’s not happening, Miladdo!’
At this point, Kryten slid out awkwardly from beneath the panel, his bemused expression indicating he had no control over his body’s destination whatsoever. Finally, he came to a stop beneath the pilot seats, and the others heard his muffled cry.
‘Suggest engaging the reverse thrusters, Sir! That may stabilise us long enough to escape.’
‘Right!’
Cat prepared to hit the necessary buttons, but the ship suddenly seemed to level out, the noise subsiding completely.
Still stunned, the group gathered their bearings.
Lister stared into space. Cat parted his hair and began combing it as Kryten reappeared from beneath the pilot seats and reset his head with a crunch. Rimmer opened his eyes cautiously to realise he still had his arm around Lister’s middle. He quickly released him.
‘Status report?’ He cleared his throat as he watched the man stumble to his seat.
‘It’s bad, non-bud,’ said Cat, ‘we just got thrown around by something weird!’
Rimmer stared. ‘Well, thank goodness you’re here. I don’t know how we’d have figured that out, if not.’
Kryten’s processor beeped and clicked.
‘Ah,’ he said, ‘it appears we’ve travelled through a wormhole and happened upon a planet with a breathable atmosphere, Sirs.’
Rimmer frowned. ‘Are you telling me that what we’ve just been through… was an atmosphere?’
Lister, meanwhile, was staring through the windscreen, his whole face lit with wonder.
‘S-smeggin’ hell, are yeh seeing wha’ I’m seein’?’