Work Text:
CONCLUDED
Friendly reminder I am not OP! This is a repost sub!
Trigger warning: suicide attempt
Mood spoiler: wholesome/cute
originally posted by u/throwawaybisexualdisaster in r/offmychest 179 days ago:
I'm (17M) in love with my straight friend (18M). He has no idea. He kissed me last night and I can't stop shaking.
This is a long story. Sorry about that. I'm very introverted, so I don't like to show it in front of people I know (which is why I'm here telling thousands of strangers on the internet instead, lol), but I'm also pretty sensitive, and when I have a lot of feelings, my brain turns them into either words or paintings. I'm trying not to draw as much because I can't afford to strain my wrist right now, which means my emotional backpack was already pretty full.
But I'll get to that.
My friend, let's call him "Haley", is one of those guys whose smile lights up a room with the force of a thousand suns. He's charming, funny, clever, outgoing, bold, and brilliantly talented in multiple fields. His eyes are like gemstones (though I won't say which ones, sorry). He's daring, devoted, tender-hearted and passionate.
More than anything else, he's kind. That's why I fell in love with him. I was initially attracted to him because of his voice (I'll get to that too), but it was watching him stand up for someone that made Cupid go for the kill shot.
(That's another story for another subreddit, and it isn't mine to tell anyway.)
I've had a thing for Haley since we did our first duet in freshman year. I was dating my now-BFF (17F) at the time, mostly because my JNSM told us we should (yet another story, this one is mine but it obviously belongs on a different subreddit). BFF had recently figured out she was a lesbian, and I guess she can read me like a book, too.
She took me aside after that duet and broke up with me, while also facilitating my awareness of my own queerness and which guy specifically I was cluelessly pining over, all without judgment. She's a good friend.
(Yikes, I'm all over the place… for probably obvious reasons.)
Anyway. Back to the subject at hand. Or heart, I guess.
I mentioned in the title that Haley is straight. The truth is, I don't know that for a fact (actually, there are a few things he's said that have made me wonder, though they're probably wishful thinking), but I do know that he's only ever had eyes for one girl in our grade, pretty much since he met her.
I know really, really well, because she broke his heart so badly we almost lost him.
I don't want to get into the details, but she got jealous over the dumbest non-issue I've ever seen anyone throw a fit over and dumped him in the worst possible way at the worst possible time. I'm pretty convinced it was on purpose. I don't know if she's taking her jerkass bastard streak to critical levels because she wants him to hurt the way she's hurting, or if she knows she's wrong and she's overcompensating to excuse herself, but it doesn't matter.
What matters is that all summer, he was barely recognizable because she stabbed him in the back and twisted the knife.
I ended up spearheading a rotation of his friends to stay with him. I did as much personally as I could. I took care of him when he couldn't take care of himself, which was stupid, unless you're like me and you don't mind putting your emotions through a meat grinder if it means the guy you love has someone in his corner.
I helped him shower (in trunks; I'll add my Issues™ with modesty and privacy to the list of other posts I apparently need to make) and washed his hair for him. I made him eat something every few hours, even if it was just a handful of peanut m&ms. I tried to distract him when he wanted to be distracted, I listened to him when he wanted to talk, and I held him when he needed human contact and a reminder that someone didn't hate him.
For the first few nights, I slept on an air mattress on his floor. Well, okay, "slept" is the wrong word; it's more that I stared at the ceiling all night and listened while he tried not to let me hear him crying until he passed out.
He'd wake up in tears again from a nightmare in an hour or two, tops. I'd sit with him and hold him until he calmed down, then I'd get back on the air mattress and the cycle would start again.
By the fourth night, we were both exhausted. I think that's why he fell asleep on my chest almost as soon as I laid down next to him. Obviously, this meant I was trapped; if I tried to move, I'd wake him up, and frankly I would have preferred an advanced calculus lecture with the teacher from Charlie Brown.
So I didn't move.
I don't know how long I spent watching him sleep. I know that I focused all my attention on staying still and not disturbing him, apparently so intensely that when it was my turn to wake up from a nightmare, I barely flinched.
He slept through the night.
The next morning, he looked way better, but he got embarrassed and tried to apologize. Genius that I am, I told him I didn't care about the crick in my neck; I was just happy he got some rest. He insisted on "paying me back" by massaging it out. (Thank goodness I'm wound so tightly it's a wonder I have any circulation, so I wasn't technically lying. Still.)
For a little while after we decided to just start out in the same bed, it got better— we were both actually sleeping (though I still wasn't sleeping much), and he was only having one or two nightmares a night. Sometimes, he wouldn't have any, usually when I positioned myself so that a substantial portion of my weight was on his chest (I guess that's actually a thing; he told me later you can train service dogs to do deep pressure therapy for panic attacks).
I wasn't that lucky, but it was worth it to see him looking a little more alive. It's also easy for me to distract myself by watching him. I draw him a lot. He's in my head all the time.
His ex dumped him in late spring. His self-talk was terrifying. It wasn't until midsummer that I was comfortable leaving him alone at night, and that was only because he promised to call me if he needed me and my sister (23) let me stay at her apartment, which was closer to him than my parents.
Late summer, everything went to hell.
Haley texted me just before midnight of a milestone date. I asked if he was okay. He said no. I asked if he was safe. He said no.
I'm an athlete. I've broken records, a few of them related to speed. That was the fastest I've ever run in my entire life.
I got to him before he did anything. I held him until he could breathe again.
And I told him I loved him.
(Don't get excited. I made it sound platonic. He didn't pick up on it— he just asked me if I really meant it, and I said yes, and he put his head on my shoulder and cried while I rocked us.)
After that, he decided enough was enough and let me take him to the hospital. He was there for about a week. The coffee sucked, which gave me an excuse to visit every morning. He found a medication that works really well for him and a therapist he really clicks with. By the time school started, he was back to the Haley I first met: vivid, energetic and glowing like the sun.
I mentioned earlier that his voice is part of what drew me to him. This is where that comes up again.
We're both in the drama club. I do a lot of other extracurriculars, so this year I asked for a smaller part. I got cast in a role that's sometimes played with a queer angle, and he got cast as the character mine is sometimes played as queer for. We both agreed we'd hint at it (I know, I know, I'm a dumbass). I'm not sure if it was good for me or if it just made me feel better to have an excuse to wallow.
Last night was closing night. We were halfway through the second act. We had a moment where he was supposed to take my hand, raise our fists, let go and split off for a fight scene.
Then I felt a hand on my elbow, and before I knew it, it happened.
There were hundreds of people there. For a second, we were alone, and I had everything I've ever wanted for three years. Then it was over, almost like I imagined it.
I haven't talked to him about it. I drove him to the cast party afterwards. He was quiet, but I didn't get the feeling he was upset. Just thinking. We danced a few times. He brought me a coke.
I can't sleep. I just keep listening to my unrequited love playlist over and over, trying to remind myself he doesn't think it means anything. The only reason he treats me differently from his other friends is because I'm the only one who didn't treat him differently after the mess with his ex.
Even if I'm not making things up, even if he really is queer…why would he go for me anyway? He could have anyone he wanted. He's one of the most remarkable people the human race has ever produced, and I'm just some guy who can throw a ball and harmonize and give decent hugs.
I miss him, somehow, even though I saw him today. We had lunch together, like we always do, but it's a little awkward now. I think I might have ruined it, but I don't want to say anything in case he didn't figure it out and I'm just overthinking it like usual.
I'll be okay. I always am eventually. I wish things were different, but I know that's an unproductive use of my time. He'll get a new girlfriend who treats him the way he deserves to be treated, and I'll be there for him if she breaks his heart too.
—
OOP's friend finds the post:
u/throwawayprune: ...dude your an idiot
i mean that affectionatly
your also lucky haley isnt on reddit bc this totally gives u away.
ur a good friend which is why im not sugarcoating it. you are being a dumbass & ignoring the very obvious blinking neon sign directly in front of your face.
u/throwawaybisexualdisaster: ...oh god I forgot you're a redditor.
u/throwawayprune: lol. not surprised.
u/throwawaybisexualdisaster: ...when you say blinking neon signs directly in front of my face
u/throwawayprune: he's going to prom with you, genius.
you know him. you know how bad he is at this. How long did he drool over Ex before she finally got sick of hinting? Like four years?
He's not going to figure this one out on his own.
u/throwawayprune: *you're
u/throwawayprune: (fuck off get ur own account 🤬)
u/SignificantAnnoyance: Your wish is my command.
You're welcome. ;P
u/throwawayprune: as I was saying before my aptly-named love rudely interrupted:
haley wears your jacket everywhere he goes
he told me to my face last summer that he could only sleep bc ur tits make an excellent pillow
(in those exact words)
he kissed you for a reason he just doesn't know it yet
u/throwawaybisexualdisaster: I really want to believe you.
I don't think I can.
If I let myself hope it'll hurt more.
u/SignificantAnnoyance: prune is right, though, apart from the spelling.
you two are the only two people who haven't realized you're already dating. there's a betting pool.
u/throwawayprune: (which for the record I tried to shut down)
but the point is. take it from me YOU'RE too close to the issue to be able to tell
(are you happy now bb)
u/SignificantAnnoyance: (very 😚)
also agreed. the route is actually very direct, it just looks chaotic because the map is pressed to your nose.
if you don't believe my sweetie, believe me. i knew my favorite dehydrated plum liked me for two months before said plum caught on.
u/throwawaybisexualdisaster: I appreciate the input, but I think you both might be coasting on the new relationship high.
u/throwawayprune: that or we've had enough personal experience to make us experts.
u/SignificantAnnoyance: …I think you spooked him.
u/throwawayprune: as long as he's thinking about it lol
—
New post yesterday from OOP:
Hey, everyone.
Some of you were right. Many of you, actually. Most of you wanted an update, so here I am.
I took Haley to prom last week. I know a lot of you encouraged me to confess to him before then. I didn't work up the nerve.
We were dancing. The music got slow. I looked at him, and I knew he knew.
He ran out of the room. My BFF made me run after him. I won't lie; I was terrified that I'd scared him off and ruined one of my closest friendships.
I was wrong.
He told me he ran because he was afraid of how new it all was. Specifically, he said he had to rethink every relationship he'd ever had with a guy who looks like me and that it was "freaking him out a little".
Then he told me if I didn't kiss him, he'd keep talking until I got sick of him. I think that's what he said, anyway.
He was still talking when I did what he asked me to.
It was the best night of my life.
(And yes, we're dating now. ❤)
—
OOP's friend finds him again:
u/throwawayprune: told you so :)
!!Reminder, I am not OP!!