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"Tou-san," a four years old Tobirama, cute and stubborn as a dead donkey, said, "I want an army of zombies."
It took all of Butsuma's will power not to facepalm. He had known telling horror stories to his terror of a second son had been a bad idea, but there were the only thing that made the boy sleep.
"No," he said firmly. Tobirama pouted. Butsuma stood his ground, arms crossed on his chest. He wouldn't be defeated by a four years old, no matter how cute and stubborn they were.
"But you offered a kunai to Hashirama," Tobirama complained.
"And I will offer you a kunai too," Butsuma tried to counter.
"I don't want a kunai, I want an army of zombies."
"Well you will have one only if you convince three hundred people that this is a good idea."
First mistake.
************
Aki Uchiha, sixteen years old, wondered if she hadn't somehow been caught in an extremely weird genjutsu. Really, that was the only logical way to explain the tiny and cute Senju kid (boy ? girl ? she didn't have a fucking clue) asking her to sign their petition so their father would gift them and army of zombies.
"And why do you want an army of zombies ?" she asked, a little bewildered. She knew she had been tasked to kill every Senju she met, but this was a little bit too ominously innocent for it not to be a trap. Better to wait and see what happened.
"Because," the kid only answered, pouting. Aki didn't not coo. She did not.
This seemed like a bad idea to let such a tiny kid have an army of zombies, but hey, this would be a Senju problem, so why the fuck not ?
"Okay," she said with a big smile, "give me your brush, so I can sign your petition."
************
"And as you can see," Tobirama said proudly, puffing his tiny chest, "there are three hundred and twenty seven people who want me to have a zombie army."
Butsuma was sure half of the names on that list were people he had terrified into signing and the other half were either deaf grannies or...
"Why did Uchiha sign this petition ?" Butsuma said tiredly.
"Because they want me to have a zombie army," Tobirama answered, puffing his chest more and standing on his tiptoes.
Butsuma dragged a hand down his face.
"You're grounded," he sighed.
"But you said ..!"
"Uchiha don't count."
************
Five years later.
Butsuma watched with pride as Tobirama, now nine years old, walked before the Daimyo to present the Senju's congratulations on his coronation. This pride lasted exactly until Tobirama wiped a blackboard and a pile of scrolls from Kami know where on his person and started a presentation.
A presentation about zombie, where they were coming from, how to make them, different ways to dissect corpses and preserve them, why zombies were cool and so on. By the end of it, seven nobles had fainted, Hashirama had ran out of the throne room (probably to hide from his brother) and Tajima Uchiha seemed ready to puke.
Beaming, Tobirama turned to the Daimyo.
"And this is why you should let me have a zombie army," he said.
Seeing that the Daimyo was about either to throw up or to faint, Butsuma decided to limit the damages.
He then forcefully extracted his son from a throne room like a wriggly potato sack, while the kid screeched indignantly that he had promised he could have his army if the Daimyo said yes and that Butsuma was a dirty liar who lied.
************
Five years later.
Butsuma was woken up from his well-deserved sleep by a noise in his living-room. Grabbing a kunai, he rushed into the living-room to find his second son and what looked like...
A fucking zombie. Of course...
"Tobi," he said threateningly.
"Ah, before you punish me Tou-san," Tobirama said, looking very smug, "this is not a zombie. This is an undead puppet I got thanks to a jutsu I invented, called Edo Tensei. This is not a zombie and you cannot punish me."
Butsuma facepalmed. He was too old for this shit.