Work Text:
Saying my soul was touched would be too easy. What M’Baku does to me is something else entirely. How does he manage when there is a space between us? Can it really be as simple as between our bodies? A phantom sensation that is meant to tease me?
Whatever it is, I can't stand it. When he’s back in Wakanda I long for him. The distance, a sad song playing in the background of my every day. I crave him as if he were a previously unknown piece of myself that I just discovered before it went missing. The cruelty that lays behind such a poorly timed revelation.
Friendship. It feels like a word threatening to explode with meaning now. Meaning I'm not sure I'm ready to address. Some would say what I fear is fear itself since I know what that meaning is and it’s not just the slow growth of two men becoming friends.
I’ve heard Sarah use the term slow burn. We’re a romance novel. I’m inclined to agree, though I naturally want to argue. The feelings M’Baku has for me? There are no doubts allowing me to do so.
Doubts are what my friend shattered when confessing his love for me. Doubts are what the man crushed when inviting my family to move to Wakanda with him. Doubts are what he completely destroyed when outright stating his desire to court me. Jabari tradition that would bring us into the tribal lands as one.
It was unfair the way his soft gaze left me speechless at the airport. Leaving me to watch as planes took flight, the passengers flying towards their future broadly speaking. He planned it for these reasons. I know it. Giving me time to process the kiss on my hand as he left to meet T'Challa as if he hadn’t just turned my world upside down.
In general I’m not a complicated man, Avengers and being Captain America aside. I can acknowledge how much I crave to be with M'Baku, interpretation open for now. Being by his side all the time? It sounds amazing in ways I never imagined. How selfish is it for me to want that?
What am I to do now that I know the depths in which we have gone? Do I overthink every moment that has been our friendship? I can’t because when I do I will see how much more was always there, waiting to be discovered. More than I’d ever paid any mind to and simply just enjoyed as if they were the highlights of my week. Love misinterpreted into another form.
The life of Captain American is nothing in comparison to what I know I'm about to do. It doesn’t have to be said, there are still weeks until M’Baku returns. For once I’m grateful for the time apart.
Can I give up the shield I was entrusted with, in favor of becoming the partner of a Lord? M’Baku seems confident I can, though his offer was open to whatever I desire. How do I decide what I desire?
In both places I will be influential. Whether it be to the American people directly or bringing my American knowledge to Wakanda. T’Challa and Nakia will no doubt consult me constantly in their program, so in a way I’m still helping directly. With that option I also get to be with the man I unknowingly love.
Unknowingly. A word I can use no longer. I know with every fiber of my being, the depths of my soul lighting on fire with awareness that burns for more. The desire is there, strong enough to break me. If I allow it, it will consume me.
Everything I have inside says let it. Let myself bask in the endless spreading warmth of smiles our friendship has become. For M’Baku? I fear the unknown because I know I will.