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Sunoo wants to believe that growing apart from someone it's not as bad as it seems, it's fine.
He remembers that the youngest used to be warm and soft, with a soft and youthful fragrance that invaded him on those nights where they slept together, or rather where he went to sleep alone, only to wake up with his limbs tangled the next morning. Niki was a total cuddler when asleep, and Sunoo had to get used to it.
They used to have this routine going on, because Niki was young and felt homesick more often than not. The kid needed a safe space, and Sunoo was tender-hearted, unable to say no when the younger came to him avoiding any words to just lay beside him or wanting to spend some time together.
It was just natural for them to stick to each other, and it wasn’t a secret to anyone. The members stopped making comments about it eventually, especially after noticing how on hard days Niki would bury his face on Sunoo’s chest at night and refuse to move or speak at all, pretending to be asleep while maintaining a tight hold on his hyung waist, silently asking for him to stay.
Sunoo never had a caring nature with him to start with, being the youngest in his family meant that he was the one used to be taken care of, but he knew how to make people feel better and he tried his best to be the best company the younger could ask for.
It was just natural for him to feel disoriented once the younger seemed to prefer playing games with the others, sleeping by himself or just existing without clinging to him for a whole day rather than being together. He’d like to say it was a progressive change, but it just felt like a switch turned off on the other’s head overnight, so Sunoo wasn’t totally convinced when he guessed it was time for the other to grow up.
The anime they used to watch now was cringey, whatever Sunoo was eating didn’t seem that appetizing, and whatever the others were doing sounded cooler and funnier, but Sunoo was fine, he just had to re-adjust to his old routine and enjoy having time for himself.
He was sure Niki could be the same sweet child he used to be if he wanted to, they're in good terms, but the younger doesn't seems to like the clingy image anymore.
Eventually he stopped asking, even if he was expecting for the younger to come and spend some time together, because receiving condescending looks from the others at the rejections made him want to throw up.
The worst part was getting used to the mocking tone the other developed towards him, and the constant teasing he ended up receiving, which was a brand new immaturity aspect the boy had flourished over the last weeks, but it was fine, since he was the hyung after all.
Time flew by, and the truth is that if Sunoo thinks in detail, the memories of that boyish Niki seem to have happened centuries ago, mainly because of the changes that puberty brought for the youngest. Everything happened quickly and violently, like someone who fights a duel and triumphs against a wild bear in the middle of the forest. Sunoo just stared at him dumbfounded, remembering his own puberty that had been similar to the caress of a flower petal, accompanied by many embarrassing moments and a brittle voice.
Nowadays the most important thing is that Niki seems fine, Sunoo thinks to himself.
After stopping sleeping together, Niki still had those long silent moments on particularly tiring days, but despite this, he has never witnessed any of the meaningful looks again, those that without saying a word speak of missing family, friends, and a lifestyle that had to be completely forgotten to pursue his dream at a young age.
It's only when Sunoo gets sick one day and decides to go home for a few days that something alarming happens.
It is nothing to worry about, nothing serious, but given the fatigue and stress of the promotions, rest was prescribed by a doctor, and the company suggested that spending some time at home would be a good option.
Sunoo’s happy to finally spend some time with his family after a long time. Two days go by and Sunoo is glad to finally rest, but a feeling of uneasiness plants itself in his chest.
He tries to talk to the others in search of something, cleans his room, talks with his sister, tries to distract himself, but can't find the reason for his concern.
He can’t define what kind of alarm goes off in his head, but his intuition is sending him a signal that he can't decode. He tosses and turns in bed, until he makes a decision.
A shorted outlet, a leaky faucet, damp clothes at the bottom of the laundry basket, whatever the reason, he has to go back to the dorm.
He doesn't say goodbye to his family or take his things when he decides to go to the dorm, thinking of a short visit to dismiss his concerns.
Sunoo arrives at the dorm unannounced, but to his surprise he doesn't meet anyone when he enters.
Walking on his tiptoes, he goes through the entrance, the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom. He casually scans the place in search of anything. He feels a little awkward at how cautiously he moves, as if an open faucet might flood the kitchen if he makes some noise, but at the same time it feels wrong to interrupt the peace that takes over the place when there’s no one around.
The last ray of afternoon sun enters through the living room window, and the silence could be comforting if the restlessness in his chest didn't grow heavier with time.
Sunoo walks with light steps through the apartment, approaching his bedroom door when he hears a muffled noise.
He recognizes the melody of a song coming from a pair of headphones that would only cause Jungwon to scold the wearer for having the volume so high.
Poking his head through the door, he finds the low bunk beds empty, and a few steps in he can tell that Sunghoon's is also empty. When he gets to his bed, the image unleashed on it is not something he was waiting for.
He recognizes the messy black hair, the headphones with little blue lights, and the body frame of the youngest member, lying with his head buried in his pillow, hugging the duvet and turning his back to him.
Sunoo stops breathing in fear of interrupting the image, and without realizing it he takes a few steps until he is at the height of the bed. The guitar tune echoes from the headphones, and Sunoo recognizes the song from months ago, before sleeping when cuddling with niki, sharing earphones late at night.
Sunoo reaches out and strokes the soft strands of hair in front of him, feeling the other tense.
"Can I join?" He tells him softly after a few moments. Niki doesn't answer, but the lack of refusal is enough for him to climb the stairs and lay on the edge of the bed, facing the broad back and placing one arm around his waist. Niki relaxes.
It's strange, Sunoo thinks, the way the maknae's body should feel so familiar after so many nights together, but instead he feels like a total stranger.
The temperature is the same, warm as ever, but the hair color has changed, the perfume has a mature hint to it, and the size of their bodies, which used to be similar, now makes him feel tiny.
Sunoo sighs.
"I guess even big kids get homesick sometimes, though I'd rather you tell me before you stay alone," he tells him. After a moment of silence, he feels the other's body move, stirring the sheets with it.
Niki shifts, and now they are looking at each other, inches away from each other. The guitar tune echoes from the headphones, and Sunoo recognizes the song from months ago, before sleeping when cuddling with niki, sharing earphones late at night. The dark haired takes off his headphones and the song resonates more clearly now; Sunoo gets a bit distracted.
"Weren't you supposed to rest at home?" the youngest tells him concerned with a hoarse voice. The dark eyes feel heavy on him when they’re scanning in search of anything to be worried about.
"I just had a bad feeling," he replies simply, maintaining eye contact. When he doesn't receive any questioning, he puts his hand back in the other's hair, arranging the unruly strands. "Why didn't you go out with the others?" he asks him.
"I did. I got bored." Sunoo doesn’t dare to ask why, and Niki lets himself feel the heaviness of his eyelids at the caresses of his hyung.
They remain silent, while the forgotten headphones continue to play the song on repeat in the background.
"You haven't listened to that song in a long time" he proceeds to say half in a question tone.
Niki just hums. His blinks become progressively slower, although he doesn’t stop staring at Sunoo, who runs his eyes over the other's face, avoiding the direct gaze, looking instead at the hair, the cheekbones, the moles.
Niki changed a lot, but somehow he's still the same.
"Does it remind you of your family?"
The black-haired boy's gaze changes with a message that Sunoo fails to understand before hiding his head in the crook of his hyung’s neck. He takes a deep breath, taking in the floral scent Sunoo has been wearing since they met.
"No." is the only thing he says in return.
Sunoo returns to supply the soft caresses in his hair, feeling tickles with the warm breath that crashes against the skin of his body. "No?" He asks softly, surprised at the answer he received.
Niki moves smoothly, resting his face against the bare skin of the older’s neck as he makes a thoughtful sound. His lips rest softly against the skin of the neck as he speaks. "It used to be like that, but not nowadays."
Sunoo stops his movements and rests his hands on the other's shoulders, almost embracing him. He gets goosebumps. "And now? What were you thinking about?" his voice comes out barely a whisper as he closes his eyes to focus on the sensations welling up in her chest at the feeling of lips against his skin.
There is a moment of silence in which they remain silent, in the same position, relaxing in the presence of the other in an environment charged with something that Sunoo cannot decipher.
"I was thinking of you" Niki finally answers. Sunoo is hesitant to inquire about it, but it is not necessary. "The dorm is different when you're not here. I knew you were going to come back eventually, but it feels weird anyways." he continues.
"Weird?"
Niki hums and takes a moment to answer. "Empty" he concludes.
They fall silent again, Sunoo not knowing what to think. He breathes and looks at the yellowish shades displaying on the wall as he tries to find something to say. Niki wasn't alone, in fact all the others had used their free time to go out together and have some fun, which the youngest used to enjoy.
"Is that why you were in my bed?" He asks eventually. Niki instead of answering tightens his grip on the older’s waist, burying his face deeper this time against his hyung's soft chest. Sunoo notices the way his heart feels tight.
After some time, the taller one says something incomprehensible, buried in the thick fabric of the hoodie. Sunoo makes a confused noise waiting for him to repeat it, until he can hear it softly.
"Feels like home"
After a moment of absolute physical and mental silence, Sunoo remembers the warm looks of the others when seeing them together, and the questions they made when it suddenly stopped. He remembers the way Niki constantly followed him everywhere, the naps together, deep conversations, nights sharing earbuds, and the way that his chest ached when the younger started to pull away from him.
These months of absence from each other's presence had been difficult, though he never allowed himself to focus on that emotion, because Niki didn't seem to need him anymore, which was a good thing actually. If Niki was happy, he’d be happy too.
Unknowingly, he tightened his grip on the younger, hugging him tightly against his chest. There when he could feel the way his soft hair tickled his nose, a torrent of thoughts came over him, but he was able to summarize it in a single sentence.
"Niki, I've missed you." He says.
"I'm back home" Niki replies before planting a kiss in the center of his chest.
That night Sunoo didn’t return home, and the vague explanations they had to give as to why they had suddenly slept together again did not convince anyone, but it was fine because if Niki is happy, then Sunoo is happy too.