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Voicemail was a tricky thing. They were just recordings. Remnants of actual language. Angry, loving, a joke, a goodbye, a request. Anything you voice record after the receiver of your call doesn't answer.
The voicemail on Dazia’s phone was a goodbye. Sent on purpose. Laced with tragedy and sorrow.
"Hey Mackerel, I have to do something. I don't know if it will even matter to you since I never did figure out if you actually cared about me or not. It should have been an obvious no, but I could never really shake the hope that your shitty ass did. Either way I have to leave you this message. I still have some things to say and I refuse to leave without saying goodbye at least. I can't leave you the way you left me. That's one thing, if you're even capable don't feel guilty for this. I know what we promised. I know it's kind of ironic after all the times I called you a suicidal maniac, that I'm the one to die first. Don't follow me alright? I don't want to see you any time soon Dazai, you hear me? I'm forbidding you from death and if you do die I'll punch you so hard you'll leave hell and come back to life. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm dead. Well not while I made this obviously, but by the time you hear it. I'll be gone when you play this audio. If these are my last words then here they are; I'm sorry. I know it's cliche but I really am. For leaving you this way."
Hours before that voicemail was sent the phone rang. The first time Dazai let it, the second time he debated getting up, and the third time was the time he answered.
“Dazai,” came a voice from the other side. It was Chuuya.
“A midday call? Is this a work call or are you feeling scandilicious?”
“Stop that, I have a serious question.”
“Ooh, a serious question I better listen.”
“You're happy at the armed detective agency, right? At least better than your time in the Port Mafia.” That was a red flag. Why would Chuuya ask him that? Strange but still moderately normal.
"What?'
"I said are you alright with the ADA?" Chuuya asked again. Noticeably more urgent.
“Is something wrong?” Dazai tried; trying so hard to keep his voice steady.
“Just answer the goddamn question.” Chuuya pressed.
“Yes, I’m much better than I was in the mafia.” It was the truth, he could tell Chuuya believed him.
“When’s the last time you tried to kill yourself?”
That was concerning, no matter how much Dazai tried to suppress it. He had to keep himself together for the moment.
“It's been a while.”
“Okay good, keep that up.”
There was something wrong. Chuuya wouldn’t act like this if everything was alright. They had never ever communicated this much.
“What’s going on Chuuya?”
That made Chuuya freeze. He had never heard his ex-partner say his real name in a tone like that.
“I have to do something and before I do I have business to attend to.”
“This sounds sure sounds an awful lot like a suicide call." He wanted Chuuya to laugh and tell him that was stupid. It wasn’t supposed to be true. Chuuya wasn’t supposed to not disagree.
Perhaps the silence proved him wrong.
“It isn’t like what you try to do Dazai, you didn't miss any signs because there was nothing to see.”
“Where are you?” He asked plainly, keeping his voice flat and emotionless. It didn't fool Chuuya. Chuuya knew that, that tone on Dazai meant the furthest from calm and collected. It was the calm before a storm, the moment a predator stands still before striking.
“I can't tell you that Dazai.”
“Stop saying my name!” He spat angrily. He surprised himself with that. He hadn't felt anger in quite a long time.
“I don't know if you ever cared Mackerel. About anything, but I cared about you and I was never really able to convince myself you didn't. I felt like we fit in with each other, at least a little. I was never human and you changed yourself into something else."
“That's not true.” His voice broke in the middle.
“It is Dazai. I'm only destruction and I can never ever be anything more than that. Maybe you can change. I don’t know. You leaving only proved that I don’t belong anywhere but in the darkness.”
“Tell me where you are.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Then why did you call me Chuuya? If you didn't want to be talked off the ledge why did you reach out.”
“There is no ledge!” Dazai heard clearly; Chuuya yelled it.
“I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.” Chuuya admitted solemnly. “I’m not going to do what you did.”
“Whatever you think you have to do Chuuya, you don’t have to. Just listen to me!”
“I have to use Corruption Dazai.”
“You don’t have to do that, not for Mori, not for anyone.”
“It’s not for Mori.”
“Then why are you doing this? Tell me.”
The other side goes quiet for a moment. “Dazai, they're going to blow up the city. You can’t stop it, no one can.”
Dazia didn’t ask who “they” were. He knew. The Armed Detective Agency knew. Chuuya was talking about the organization hell bent on destroying everything they touched. They were good, too. Barley traceable, little information on any of the members. All except one. One who everyone knew did have the ability to do exactly what Chuuya was describing.
“No one except you.” Dazai whispers to the phone. He knows he’s right. “No, no Chuuya, even if that’s true-"
It is.
“You don’t have to die for this, you can wait for me alright? Just- just wait.”
If Chuuya didn't know exactly who he was on the phone with he would have thought he detected desperation.
Dazai found it. He ran in that building faster than he thought possible.
He spotted the body near a shattered beam and crumbles pieces of concrete. Bloody but it was his partner nonetheless.
“Oh Chuuya, why would you do this?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say that.”
“You need to leave they're going to figure out their plan didn't work soon, and when they do it'll be you they find.”
“Just give me a minute. Then I'll go.”
“Listen, Dazai it's okay, I’m not-” his sentence is cut with more blood. It's everywhere. All over. “Not anyone's weapon anymore. You can go, it's alright.”
“I will Chuuya, I’ll go but please just give me this last thing.”
Chuuya nodded.
He brushed his thumb over Dazai’s tear-through.
“You're crying,” Chuuya had paused, “didn't know you could.”
“Me neither.” Dazai touched his cheek in a daze and lethargically pulled it away. Well would you look at that; it was wet.
“Maybe we'll meet again in a life where we’re both human.”
“Yeah, maybe we will.” Chuuya smiles at him. There was one more thing he thought to himself. Just one and then he could go. Could rest easily.
“Don’t follow me Dazai.”
“How can I not when you are the only one I've ever felt for.”
“I want you to live.”
“So did I.”
“A suicidal sadist and a failed government project. Turns out neither could be whole without the other.” Chuuya started out with a laugh but it just ended up as a bloody spurt. “How did anyone expect us to end up other than this, eh?”
“They thought we'd kill each other, that's what.”
Their next pause stretched on so long Dazia thought Chuuya had died right then.
"I'm really hurt this time Dazai."
"I know."
"You need to leave. We're both going to die if you stay here."
Dazai shook his head.
"Why you bastard? You've never had an issue before!"
"Because I'd let myself rot to be with you. It sounds pathetic to you but I don't care. It's true."
"You left me."
"Yes I know."
"Why then? Why won’t you leave now!"
"Because you would have rotted right along with me if I stayed. I am a disaster that brings everything else down."
"I don't care!" Chuuya yelled at him. "You know why? It's because I would let myself rot to protect you . To be with you. I would have laid right down with you and decomposed like a forgotten toy. But then you left me like one, so it doesn't matter anyway."
"Why would you do that Chuuya?"
"You're the only one who made me human Dazai. I don't belong anywhere. Anywhere except by your side."
"Don't do that Chuuya. Don't rely on me, don't let yourself care about me. I'll disappoint you. Or get you killed."
"I was destined to be killed, Dazai."
"Don't say that. Please. Please don't say that."
"I'm not stupid I already know I'm dying right now."
"Maybe, but you've never looked more beautiful."
"Don't say shit like that unless you mean it."
"I do."
They didn't quite know what to say after that. Afraid every non platonic thought and intimate moment they had shared would have meant something more. Neither could bear that being a reality and then so abruptly taken.
The disappointment in confirming that they had ended up as star crossed lovers would simply be too overwhelming. Not only because of what could have been but because of the truth that their relationship was so broken, death itself had to remedy the consequences it would bring.
Although it could have always meant the opposite. That only death could separate the two. That they were so ingrained into each other's soulfulness nothing on earth could collapse it.
“We could kiss right now.”
“Yeah, we could.” The other one whispered.
It didn’t matter now though.
Dazai got shot moments later by the organization Chuuya had first warned about and looked at the other while falling atop of him. Draped across Chuuya diagonally so their faces almost touched.
The mercenary had left after the gun had been fired. Having enough decency to leave the two to die together. Decency or not enough will to check if either were actually dead.
There was nothing to be done now but finish their conversation; a sort of shared understanding that their stories ended in the ruins of that building.
“I never did hate you, you know.”
“That's why I love you.”
"You don't mean that."
Chuuya didn't hear Dazai tell him he did.
"It's alright Chuuya, you should rest. I'll be there soon and when I do I'll tell you that you weren't just my partner in crime, you were my partner in life."
At least their last memories were of each other. They might have been dysfunctional, maybe even unhealthy, but they did it together. They had always known they couldn't help each other. It was a mutual understanding of destruction.
It wasn't alright, but it was what happened.
They had done it together in the very end.
What a sight they made of it too; a demon bending for a broken god.