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Eddie loved his strings. He loved that he could see a manifestation of the love he felt for the people closest to him. Their presence comforted him when he was away from his home and his family. They reminded him that he was human when he felt so detached from everything that it felt like he was watching somebody else's life through blurry lenses. They reminded him he was still worthy of love when he thought he did not even deserve to live. He had learned to trust his strings. They were a beacon in the darkness. A lighthouse guiding him where he needed to go.
The day he went to the 118 station for his face-to-face interview with Captain Nash, it was clear that his resume and their phone interview had convinced the Captain that Eddie was a good fit for his team. Eddie on the other hand did not need to hear the speech the captain had prepared to convince him to join them. He had gone in feeling pretty neutral, but as soon as he had shook the Captain’s hand one of his grey strings had changed to a glimmering silver. Eddie smiled to himself as he followed the Captain in his office. That was his proof that he had made the right choice by moving away from El Paso and by choosing LA over Chicago. At the end of the interview, Eddie did not hesitate. After so much searching he had finally found his place.
On his first day at the 118 Eddie was surprised and delighted when two more of his strings turned to silver as he was introduced to Hen and Chimney. It was when he was introduced to Buck that things became puzzling. Immediately one more string changed to a shiny silver which seemed to glow even brighter than the others but Buck’s attitude was weirdly standoffish with him. It did not make any sense to Eddie.
Despite this, Eddie’s curiosity was piqued and since he was not sure how to engage Buck directly without making things worse, he started talking to the others in their team, asking questions as subtly as he could. It was not hard, especially with Chimney who seemed to only need a little nudge to start talking his ears off. Eddie quickly realized that Chimney loved to tease Buck when they were interacting but he only had good things to say about him when Buck was not in earshot. Eddie was getting more and more confused at Buck’s behavior to the point that he was annoyed enough to try and confront him about it. He tried to diffuse whatever it was that had Buck so on edge but he ended up saying too much and worsening the situation.
Lucky for Eddie, Captain Nash had noticed the tension between them and decided to take action. Eddie pretended not to notice him basically ordering Buck to play nice and work with him but inside he knew it was a good chance for them to sort their shit out. Obviously he would have preferred if that had not involved handling a live grenade but Buck’s willingness to stand by him despite everything when Eddie had declared he could take care of it had pleased him. He was even more pleased afterwards when the ice finally melted between them and they promised to have each other’s backs.
Much to Eddie’s surprise though, that was exactly when his string for Buck changed its color. Eddie’s breath hitched and he was glad that the grenade went off right then, because it distracted the others who did not notice his shocked expression or wrote it off as a reaction to the explosion.
His string had turned red. Buck was his soulmate.
Eddie felt like the explosion went off inside his chest.
It was not easy to navigate his relationship with Buck after that revelation. Eddie's string had matured in its color so fast that he doubted Buck already had a matching one and he did not really want to risk ruining their budding friendship as soon as it had started by complicating things between them. Because once Buck was past his initial diffidence, he turned out to be someone Eddie could very easily see himself becoming attached to. It was easy talking to Buck. It was even easy asking him for help when Eddie found himself needing a ride to pick up Chris after his car's battery had died the day of the earthquake. There was no way to get it fixed right away with the whole city in a state of emergency and Buck had been quick to say yes. Which led to Buck meeting Christopher for the first time. If Eddie had ever doubted his string, the way Buck and Christopher seemed to click immediately would have been all the confirmation Eddie needed.
They grew close in a ridiculously short time. Eddie soon found himself wanting to say something to Buck about his string. It was becoming harder and harder to believe that it was one-sided. When Buck introduced him to Carla, Eddie almost told him right then and there. He only managed not to because he really wanted that conversation to be a private one between just the two of them. Eddie could not believe how his life in California was turning out well and so much of it had to do with Buck and the friendships he was building with his colleagues. For the first time in a long time he felt like he could be happy again.
So of course that was when Shannon showed up again.
Eddie had truly loved Shannon. Their string had been pink almost from the start of their acquaintance. They knew they were not soulmates, but that did not make their love for each other less true. Their problem was that they were immature and did not know it until it was too late. Shannon had never had the chance to be just herself and learn who that was or what she wanted in life. Eddie, as much as he loved his son instantly, was scared that he would never be good enough of a parent to him and did not know how to cope with that feeling of inadequacy much less how to ask for help dealing with the hurdles in front of them. They didn't love each other or their son any less, but they still were not right for each other.
When she came back into their lives, some of that love was still there but it was mixed in with a lot of different feelings too. Distrust, because she had left them. Hope that they could maybe become what their son had needed all along. Guilt because they had already failed Christopher once and because Eddie knew that even as he tried to reconcile with Shannon, his heart was not fully in it.
While that was happening, Buck was always there by Eddie's side. He never judged and he never asked, but he was always there to listen. Always ready to support Eddie, whatever his choice. Always there caring for Christopher as if it was second nature to him. He made it seem so effortless and Eddie hated himself for drawing a comparison between him and Shannon. It was not fair to either of them.
“Is that all I am to you? The mother of your son?” Shannon had asked.
Eddie was torn between the truth floating in front of his eyes and the responsibility he felt towards Christopher and Shannon to give them another chance.
She had touched him then and Eddie could not hide anymore. Their strings did not match any longer. Eddie loved her like family, but the attraction and romantic love he had once felt had worn off. The pink hue of the string had slowly morphed until it had taken a blue color.
“I want a divorce,” she said. He could not blame her.
Buck was the only person Eddie told about all of it. The string changing, the guilt Eddie felt over it, the divorce. Buck was the one who kept him from completely breaking down after Shannon’s death. Eddie did not even have to ask, Buck always showed up for him and for Christopher, holding their broken pieces together by simply being there for them.
In the back of his mind, Eddie kept wondering about Buck’s strings. He had come to realize that Buck never talked about them and whenever the topic came up he always managed to get himself out of the conversation, either by brushing it off or very pointedly leaving the room.
Eddie was pretty sure he was not the only one wondering about Buck’s attitude towards his strings. He could see Bobby’s eyes following Buck’s every retreat with a mix of sadness and worry. Bobby was a loving person. When Shannon died, Eddie had found confirmation of their strong bond in the manifestation of a yellow string between them when Bobby hugged him at the hospital.
“Do you know what is up with that?” Eddie had asked Chimney once, after Athena had come by at the end of her shift to visit Bobby while they were all hanging out upstairs waiting for the next call. She had casually mentioned something about strings as she regaled them with a story about her latest call and Buck had promptly fled the room, saying something about hitting the gym.
Chimney glanced at him before his gaze dropped to the ground again, “Not really.”
Eddie frowned at him. Ever since Shannon’s death, Chimney had been withdrawn with him. At first Eddie had thought it was Chimney’s way of giving him space to grieve, but as time went by Eddie was finding it increasingly weird.
“What’s up, man? You can barely look at me lately. Did I do something?” Eddie and Chimney had hit it off right away when they met. As much as Eddie was a pretty reserved guy, it was impossible not to become friends with Chimney, who was such a welcoming and kind person. His current behavior left Eddie confused.
Chimney looked like a deer caught in headlights, “What? No, of course not,” he glanced up towards the kitchen island where Bobby, Athena and Hen were chatting, not paying any mind to their conversation in the sitting area. Eddie frowned at him.
“Look,” Chimney began, “it’s complicated. I feel guilty and conflicted even though I know there was nothing we could have done for- for Shannon. I didn’t want to say anything but then every time I look at you I just feel like I want to apologize, but it’s not fair for you to have to deal with my dilemma… and now I screwed up anyway because I was so weird you noticed and I blurted it all out,” he drew a deep breath and sighed, “Man, I’m sorry. For all of it.”
Eddie watched him for a moment then nodded, “I don’t think anything I say will change how you feel but you need to know I’m not mad at you or anything like that. There really was nothing you could have done. I’m just thankful I got to say goodbye at least.”
Chimney nodded, his eyes drawn to the yellow string floating between them.
“Now stop being weird,” Eddie jokingly ordered.
Chimney huffed a laugh, “Yeah, okay.”
The problem with loving Buck, as Eddie came to realize, was that you were in for a rollercoaster. Buck had the uncanny ability of stealing Eddie's breath and acting like it was nothing at all. He also happened to be one of the bravest and most dedicated people Eddie had ever met. Knowing Buck had his back on the job made Eddie feel safe but it also pushed him to be the best he could be, because Buck relied on him. Eddie had never been so in sync with anyone in his life and as time went on Eddie found it harder and harder to break his silence, because Buck never said a word about strings and Eddie began fearing the worst.
Was it possible that Buck did not have a string for Eddie? His heart constricted every time he wondered about it. A part of him screamed that it was not possible, Buck loved him, maybe not the way Eddie wished but he was sure that Buck loved him at least as a friend. There was no question about it if he did not let himself succumb to his insecurities. On the other hand, what could possibly explain his stubborn silence on the matter? Eddie knew there were people who could not see their strings, his son was one of them after all. Could that be the answer he was looking for?
Sometimes when he was alone at night in his bed and he could not sleep, he knew that the real question was why was he not saying anything to Buck? He knew he could just take the plunge and ask him. Buck would not turn him away if asked directly. Eddie knew it deep down, but he was terrified at the idea. Buck had become so important to him that he did not think he would be able to cope if their strings did not match or worse if questioning him drove Buck away from him.
Then there was the accident with the bomb on the truck and Buck with his leg trapped under it. Eddie could barely keep it together as he held Buck’s hand and fought with the rest of the team to keep him stable, keep him alive, and take him to safety. He knew there were tears falling on his face that probably gave away a lot more than he was prepared to admit to anyone but nobody seemed to really notice and truth be told, Eddie could only see Buck, nothing else mattered to him in that moment.
Every moment they spent together after that horrible night felt like a benediction to Eddie. He promised himself he would stop hiding the truth from Buck. He would stop hiding himself from Buck. How could he expect Buck to be a hundred percent honest with him about something that he clearly kept so close to his chest when Eddie had been hiding how important Buck was to him for such a long time? So Eddie resolved that as soon as Buck was feeling better, Eddie would tell him.
It was not easy, because Buck had a hard time with his convalescence and physical therapy. He was not made to lounge around, he was not made to take things slow and give himself time to recover. Buck was scared that he would not be the same again and even tried to pull away from everyone - even from Eddie, much to his dismay - because he was so wrapped up in his fear.
Eddie kept showing up though. He was there for physical therapy. He was there for the sleepless nights. He was there for the whispered confessions of how scared Buck was. He was there when Buck could not find it in himself to leave his bed.
On one of those days, when Buck could not bring himself to get out of bed, Eddie almost lost everything.
He had to work but Buck needed motivation, so Eddie did the only logical thing and left Christopher to spend the day with Buck. He knew Buck would feel compelled to take care of Christopher to the best of his ability and in turn, he knew that spending time with his son would cheer Buck up. It was the perfect plan.
Not even in his worst nightmares could Eddie have thought that the most important people in his life would end up being caught in a tsunami.
Eddie never told Buck this, but the nightmares that followed in which Eddie lost both of them were the worst he had ever had. Buck had his own nightmares to deal with and Eddie knew just looking at him that Buck blamed himself for getting separated from Christopher. It was obviously the only thing Buck could focus on. Christopher on the other hand only talked about how Buck had saved him, not that Eddie needed to hear it. He was sure that the only reason his son survived was because he had been with Buck. Buck could not see it though, so Eddie had to show him.
“There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you,” it was only the beginning of what Eddie really wanted to tell him and he almost did, he almost stayed. Almost ran back to Buck to tell him everything.
Buck was not ready to hear it, Eddie thought. Buck could not see himself clearly, so how was he supposed to see Eddie and all that Eddie felt for him? Buck was not ready and Eddie was going to wait for him, because Eddie loved him and Buck was worth waiting for.
Eddie came to regret not telling him with every fiber of his being.
With every punch he threw as he fought to survive the emptiness that surrounded him while Buck was not there with him, Eddie regretted not telling him. Crazy, impulsive Buck who could not wait, who could not trust his worth, who could not trust that his family had his best interest at heart.
With every word Eddie shouted at Buck, he regretted not telling him. He should have screamed different words but seeing Buck after being forbidden from talking to him made Eddie feel like a wounded animal. He was trapped in endless pain. Hurt in a way he never thought was possible.
When Buck apologized, Eddie forgave him but he did not say the words he had wanted to tell him for so long because Eddie was not ready. He had barely found his way back to sanity, he was not ready to open himself up to the kind of hurt only Buck could inflict on him. So he hid those words away, hoping that one day he would be strong enough - brave enough - to let them out. Hoping that one day Buck would be ready to hear them without destroying him.
Hiding did not spare Eddie from all hurt though.
He suffered through Buck’s dates with other people and Buck’s loving gestures towards Eddie and Christopher. Sometimes he was not sure which hurt the most. The pain was different but it was still there.
Hen and Bobby sometimes watched him in a way that made Eddie think they knew something, or at least had a suspicion. Eddie was not sure until Hen finally told him, “You know you’re gonna have to tell him eventually?”
“Have to?” Eddie questioned before he could catch himself. He could see in her eyes that he had just confirmed all her suspicions.
“What else are you going to do? Stand there and watch while he tries to find love elsewhere?”
If she had punched him, it would have probably hurt less.
“We’re not- we’re not ready, ok?”
Hen shook her head disbelievingly, “That boy loves you and you know it. Everybody knows it.”
Eddie swallowed around the lump in his throat, “I know that. What I don’t know is how he loves me.”
Hen raised her eyebrows, “So it’s about your strings, huh? I've never heard him talk about it.”
“I know,” Eddie nodded.
“I can’t imagine him not matching you, Eddie. You two idiots are so made for each other it’s ridiculous.”
Eddie could not help the breathless laugh that escaped him, “God, I hope you’re right.”
Hen opened her arms and Eddie went willingly in his friend’s embrace, a yellow string floating in the air as they hugged.
As if his admission to Hen had sent some kind of signal into the universe, Eddie soon found himself frozen in front of a tablet screen while his son innocently asked Buck about his strings. Eddie did his best not to faint and not to give himself away but he could not help hanging on Buck’s every word.
“Buck, do you have strings for me and dad?”
“Chris, that’s a very personal question,” Eddie softly reprimanded him. As he did he smoothed down his son’s hair in a gentle caress, just to keep himself busy.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Chris told Buck earnestly.
“That’s okay,” Buck reassured him, “And yeah, I do. Of course I do.”
Eddie swallowed hard at Buck’s admission and hid his face in his son’s hair under the guise of dropping a kiss to his head.
Chris bounced a little up and down in his seat on their couch, “You do! I’m sure I have one for you too but I cannot see them. Dad said ours is blue because we’re family. What color are yours?”
Eddie’s eyes flew wide open at the question. He opened his mouth to tell Christopher that it was definitely inappropriate to pry that much but Buck beat him to it.
“Uhm… how about, next time we see each other we’ll see if we match and then I’ll tell you?”
Eddie stopped breathing for a few seconds. He could not believe what he was hearing.
Christopher deflated a bit, “But when will that be?”
“Soon, I promise. We need to be safe.”
“But you see dad every day and I see dad every day, why can’t I see you? I miss you!”
Buck smiled at him, “I miss you too.”
“He has a point there,” Eddie managed to say, congratulating himself on the fact that his voice sounded almost normal.
“What?” Buck asked, clearly surprised.
“I mean, we’re taking every precaution in the field, we get tested regularly and keep to our work bubble… I think it’s safe for you to see Chris, or at least as safe as it is with me, you know?”
Buck nodded, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Yes!” Christopher cheered, “When can you come over?”
“Well, if it’s okay with your dad,” Buck glanced at Eddie, “I could come over on our next day off.”
“Of course it’s okay,” Eddie confirmed softly. Maybe too soft. God, he missed having Buck in his house.
“Awesome!” Christopher’s grin was earsplitting.
“Time to go to bed, bud,” Eddie told his son, “Why don’t you go brush your teeth and I’ll meet you in five minutes for a story?”
“Ok,” Christopher agreed reluctantly, “Goodnight, Buck. See you soon!”
“Goodnight Christopher,” Buck’s voice was full of affection.
Eddie’s gaze followed his son walking away for a moment before looking back at Buck, “Hey… I didn’t mean to rope you into anything that makes you uncomfortable. I can explain to him that it’s intrusive to ask certain questions before you come over. But I do think it’s ok for you to visit when you want… he really misses you.”
“No, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. I don’t mind telling him about…” Buck hesitated.
“I’ve never heard you talk about your strings,” Eddie said, unable to help himself even as he felt like he was walking on shaking ground.
Buck took a deep breath, “Yeah… it’s a private subject. I guess the only person I’ve talked to about them is Maddie,” he admitted.
“I get it,” Eddie said.
Buck smiled, “I know you do.”
Eddie cleared his throat, “I should go now.”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you at work.”
Eddie smiled, “See you tomorrow.”
The day after, Eddie was grabbing a coffee at the beginning of their shift when Chimney rushed up the stairs and beelined towards Hen who was reading on one of the couches.
“Hen! You will not believe what happened last night!”
“Something good if your grin is anything to go by,” Eddie heard Hen say.
“It was a night full of self growth and maturity, I'll tell you all about it but first let me tell you this: Buck totally has a yellow string for me and it showed!”
Eddie’s coffee went down the wrong pipe and he started coughing wildly.
“Holy shit, are you serious?”
“Like a heart attack.”
“Tell me everything.”
Unfortunately Eddie did not hear the rest of their conversation as they dropped their voices when Bobby appeared out of his office, immediately rushing to Eddie’s side to make sure he was okay, which he really wasn’t but it had nothing to do with his cough.
A couple days later, Buck came to visit as promised.
“You know I love you, right?” Eddie heard Buck ask Christopher just as Eddie was leaving the kitchen. He stopped at the door, watching them but not wanting to interrupt them.
Christopher nodded and replied, “I love you too. Do we match?”
“Yeah, we do. It’s blue,” Buck admitted softly, looking as if he could not believe it.
“I knew it,” Christopher smiled, satisfied.
Buck looked up at Eddie, who met his gaze. Buck was clearly shaken but Eddie had never had any doubt that Buck loved his son like family and that certainty always made Eddie feel a reassuring sense of calm.
"It's too bad I cannot see it," Christopher said, breaking them out of their spell.
"Don't worry about it. You did not need to see it with me, right? Or with your dad? You just knew."
"Yeah, I did."
"That's because you know your heart and you know how to listen to it. So as long as you keep doing that, you will not miss out on anything. You'll just know."
Christopher nodded, clearly reassured by Buck’s answer, “What about dad?”
Buck glanced back at Eddie, who was still leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, and shot him a grin before looking back at Christopher, “What about him?”
“I asked him and he said you guys never checked if you match. Is that because you just know?”
Eddie’s heart stuttered and for a second he felt like he could not breathe. He moved to hide behind the wall, knowing that if Buck saw his face at that moment he would give himself away. He thought he had made it clear to Christopher that it was not okay to ask such blunt questions about this topic but apparently he had failed. The door was still open so he heard Buck’s soft reply anyway.
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
Eddie closed his eyes, wishing he could read Buck’s mind just so he would know finally. Buck sounded so sure, what was Eddie missing here? Why wasn’t Buck saying anything to him?
“I bet you match anyway,” Christopher said and Eddie wished he could be as sure as his son.
“Are you upset?” Buck asked Eddie when they were alone in the kitchen after Christopher had gone to bed.
Eddie knew instantly what Buck was talking about but shot him a disbelieving look, “Upset that you love my son and consider him family? Of course I’m not upset.”
Buck still looked uncertain.
“Buck, I didn’t need you to tell us about your string to know that. I would have bet my life on the fact that your string for Christopher was blue.”
Buck’s eyes widened, “But…”
“Maybe you don’t say much, but your actions speak for themselves,” except when it came to Eddie, unfortunately, but Eddie managed to keep that to himself.
“And you really don’t mind?”
“If anything, I feel blessed,” Eddie stepped closer to him, “I just hope you know you’re stuck with us now.”
Buck smiled at him, “I’m counting on it.”
That night Eddie cried like he hadn’t in a long time. He cried because Buck was his soulmate, Buck was the love of his life, and Buck loved Eddie’s son like Christopher was his own. He cried because Buck still had not told Eddie anything about their string except that he did have one for Eddie. He cried because he had been presented with the perfect opportunity to tell Buck how he felt but he had stayed silent. Most of all, he cried because it did not matter how scared Eddie was of being rejected, Buck deserved to know how much he was loved.
In the days that followed Eddie found out that Buck talked about his strings with both Bobby and Hen. He hated the pang of jealousy he felt but he could not help it.
He did not understand why Buck was avoiding talking to him about it and it hurt. A part of him knew he was part of the problem so one night when they were alone in his kitchen he confronted Buck about it.
“Listen, you don't have to answer but I need to ask, what is it exactly that you’re so sure you know about our strings?”
Buck just looked at him without saying a word.
“Of course you don't want to say it. I mean, you’re talking to everyone about your strings now, right? Everyone except me,” even as he spoke, Eddie hated how hurt he sounded, “I want to respect that, Buck, I really do but I don’t understand. I thought we were close. I’ve always known there were things you kept to yourself and I get it, believe me I do, but I thought if you ever felt like opening up to someone… it would be me.”
“We don’t match,” Buck said.
Eddie froze, “How would you know?”
Buck gaped at him, “You said it yourself… we’re close. I mean, you’re my best friend and it’s not like we’ve never touched. We would have seen it by now.”
“Maybe not, if one of us is hiding something from the other,” Eddie said, with sudden certainty.
Eddie was done hiding.
Buck frowned at him.
“Eddie… I…” Buck stopped talking when Eddie stepped closer, placing his hand on Buck's neck and stroking Buck’s jaw with his thumb, “I was just scared to find out for sure. I still am,” Buck whispered.
Eddie stared into Buck’s eyes as he said, “I love you, Evan.”
As soon as Eddie uttered the words, a red string appeared between them. Eddie felt his face split in a smile. Buck leaned in and kissed him, his arms winding around Eddie’s back bringing them closer together. Eddie went willingly, melting against Buck as they lost themselves in the kiss.
Eddie loved his strings. It did not bother him finding out that his string for Buck had turned red long before Buck’s string for him. He wondered about it, because if Buck had not been ready as Eddie had thought for some time, what had made Eddie ready so early on? In the end he figured he had not been ready at all, but he had needed Buck and his strings had made sure he would let himself trust him.
When Buck interrupted their flirty banter - that involved first names and lots of Spanish from Eddie because that was apparently the effect Buck had on him when Eddie was finally free from the chains of his self imposed silence - to cradle Eddie’s face in his hands tenderly, Eddie kind of forgot how to breathe for a moment as he was overwhelmed at the emotion in Buck’s eyes.
“I love you too,” Buck said and Eddie was sure the air that filled his lungs had never been so pure before.
Eddie loved his strings. They always guided him home.