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“Don’t get up.”
Sleepy fingers reach out towards me before I’m able to wriggle any further out of the layers of blankets. Any will I had towards lifting myself out of bed has been lost, in spite of the logical protests in the back of my head.
“Shuumei-san, I have class today.”
The dregs of conviction in my voice waver as his light eyes open up half-way, reflecting the sunlight dancing in through the window beside his bed. “Don’t get up yet. Please.” His voice is still scratchy, just barely conscious. Surprisingly, his characteristic beam is absent from his expression. There’s a small but honest fear in his eyes, present enough to tug at my heart strings and bring me back into the fold of his arms.
Nuzzling into him like this is almost strange. Never before have there been no barriers between our skin as we hold onto one another. After last night, I assumed that any time spent with him naked would end in more of that – the touching, the moaning, the desperate kissing and movements. Being naked with him now is different – vulnerable in a distinct way. Almost more vulnerable than him touching me for the first time. Even with the novelty of it, it’s still Sasaki. I would be lying to him and myself if I tried to pretend for a minute that I wouldn’t give anything to spend the entire day wrapped up in his arms.
“Okay,” I murmur, watching as a smile spreads on his lips and bleary eyes close again. “But, only for a little bit longer. I don’t want to be late again. I don’t think the professor likes me very much.”
“Mm, impossible. No one could not like you,” he mumbles, arms reclaiming their spot wrapped around my torso to bring me closer, pressing his face against the top of my head to plant a lazy kiss into my hair. “My boyfriend is perfect.”
It’s been years since he called me that word for the first time, but every time he says it, my face flushes just the same.
Once upon a time, I truly believed that I didn’t want a BL experience. I believed that there was no part of me that wanted anything to do with my stories past enjoying them as an observer, an audience member. It’s almost hard to wrap my head around that fact, especially after all the extremely BL experiences I’ve had. After last night, I may have had basically all of them – well, apart from some of the less attainable tropes like one of us being a demon or a pop idol, but that’s less important. Though, I can’t say that even now I could ever imagine myself wanting these experiences with anyone else. I don’t believe that I’m gay, at least not in the way people assume. I don’t think it ever mattered that Sasaki was a guy. I think that I fell for who he was first before any of the attraction came into play.
“I think you’re the only person that would go that far with it. I’m certainly not perfect.”
“Then everyone else is wrong,” he retorts simply, with a squeeze to punctuate his words.
Smiling, I squeeze him back.
An easy silence eases over us as we stay linked together. Over time, Sasaki sinks lower, placing his head instead on my chest and giving me full access to play with his hair, letting my slim fingers play with the strands of his dyed hair. It’s easy from where I’m at now to see the roots growing in, the dark natural color of his hair getting ready to spring out and harshly contrast the chemical orange. As the silence continues and his breathing grows deeper, I assume that my partner drifts back into his sleep. This would be the prime time to get up, to sneak out of the room while he’s unawares, but I can’t bring myself to do it just yet.
Memories of the night before dance around in my head. The frantic beating of my heart as his fumbling fingers unbuttoned my jeans. The aching fear in the first moments of being fully exposed before words of adoration set my pulse at ease. The affirmations between kisses as hands roamed over each other in turn. While the thought of it all is undeniably erotic by nature, I don’t find myself getting overwhelmed with those kinds of reactions. Instead, I find my heart swelling with each passing memory, full of the extraordinary love I feel for Sasaki, the boy I once took over a half a year to respond to after he confessed to me.
Pushing his hair away from his ear, my fingers brush lightly against the ear cuff I’d given to him last year. His sudden voice cuts me out of my reverie, mildly surprising me to realize my partner is, in fact, awake still.
“Myaa-chan?”
“Mm?”
Sasaki hesitates for a moment. From how his head is turned against my chest, I can’t see his expression, but I feel a slight tension enter his shoulders. “Last night…”
“Yes?”
“That was… good for you, right?”
Blinking, I take a moment to try to comprehend his meaning. The words almost don’t register at first. “Of course – of course it was. Why do you ask?”
Another beat. A beat that goes on long enough that I feel my chest start to tighten with a sneaking worry.
“Well, um.” Sasaki turns his head upward, meeting my gaze. His face appears completely alert now, sleepiness drained from his eyes. “I know it’s more of, well, how you think about things usually, but… A lot of the BL you’ve loaned me has bedroom scenes where, well, the uke doesn’t really seem to enjoy themselves, at least not at first. And, I know you didn’t really seem very keen on the idea of being the uke when we first started dating.”
“O-oh.” My face warms up as I try to think of a better response to add. “Well, um, yes, that’s – I don’t really, um… It’s, er, unfortunate that a lot of BL, um, portrays it like that , you know, but – “ Even now, it feels embarrassing to try to talk about sex, ironically enough. Even though Sasaki has now seen every part of me I have to offer, trying to vocalize my feelings about our newly established sex life stuns me.
“But?”
“B-but I… It… felt nice with you. It was strange at first, but you made me feel really good.” My cheeks are on fire by the time I finish speaking, needing to dart my eyes away to not implode completely from my own embarrassment.
Whatever I say is enough, though, as Sasaki relaxes against me, placing his head back down to rest comfortably on my chest. “Good. I want you to always feel good when you’re with me.”
The heat dampens as I find myself relaxing, too. My fingers come back up to play with my partner’s hair as I forget the internal timer I set for myself. Maybe I can afford one late day to class. Nothing feels worth walking away from this moment with him, from the comfort of the nest we’ve built for ourselves.
“You always make me feel good, Shuumei-san.”