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“Hey Becker?”
“Yeah Emms? What’s up?” They rolled over to face their boyfriend, how he was curled into their side with his head hidden in grabbing at their sweater.
“What happens if the phantoms get one of us?”
His voice was a hollow chime wrapped in painful spikes that tore into Becker’s heart, latching the words in their chest. They took a beat before petting through Emmett’s fur, pressing a small kiss onto the tip of Emmett’s ear.
The two tended to do that a lot nowadays, small acts of affection as if they showed much more the gods would have to intervene; they had done it once before who’s to say they wouldn’t do it again. Becker’s gaze seemed distant, they were glad he couldn’t see it.
They took a beat, continuing to give him small pets behind his chin. Becker fought the fog in their brain to work up a way to respond. Words clustered together, pain and loss, fear and sorrow, but nothing stable enough to form a proper response. They sighed.
“Can we not talk about this right now?” Becker rolled back onto their back but squeezed Emmett closer into their side as they draped an arm around him.
“No, Becker.” Emmett pulled himself from their side to fully sit up looking down at Becker. They hadn’t seen that look on Emmett’s face since the feedback, the spikes tore in more. Becker couldn’t bring themself to look at him.
Of course it was a valid concern. With Math and then Donia being ripped out from under the team no one in the shadows could call it safe anymore. The silent release of the void began to feel more like the world outside they tried so hard to distance themselves from. The gods owned their souls, no matter how hard they tried to run from it, play must go on even in the shadows.
“Solis.”
Becker flinched but still refused to look at him, “Emmett please I don’t-”
“But I do!” He snapped back, not even letting them finish, “I don’t want to lose you like how we lost Jomgy. I can’t do that again Becker.”
“Emmett…”
“Don’t Emmett me, Becker. Not right now. We need to talk about this instead of this eggshell walking silence we’ve been doing for the past months! Damn dude! I can't do this sh-”
“I already thought I lost you damn it!” It was Becker’s turn to snap back, shooting their gaze to Emmett. A look of mortified defiance rested in their eyes using every ounce of courage in their body to look at him. Emmett tried to open his mouth to speak but Becker placed a hand across his snout.
“How the hell do you think I felt when I learned that you were gone from the election? Huh? Have you ever thought about how that affected me? Thinking that you were going to have a show stopping career out there while I was left in here to rot all alone?” They scoffed, trying to fight everything in them telling them to shut their mouth.
“Because that’s how it felt! I’ve already gone through that heartbreak, Emmett. I don’t want to think about what it’ll feel like if it happens again. Just drop it. Please.” They rolled away from him and buried themself in the much too worn down comforter the two shared.
Emmett, for once, was speechless. He had never seen Becker lash out like that. To hear them raise their voice was a once in a blue moon type of moment, but this was something else. And it hit him hard. Emmett laid back down on the bed staring off at the ceiling.
Becker had never spoken about the election before, but to be fair neither did Emmett. They were back at his side the next election so he never thought much about it, so much was happening back then. Everything was all such a blur, new things every season, the flames burning hotter than any time before. It was a hellcapse out there and Emmett was more worried about his own fur than anything else. He kicked himself.
“Why do you think I stole the spot on pitching from Donia?” Becker broke the silence but still faced away from him. Becker felt like they were speaking to the void itself, it made the words connect easier. “I wasn’t aiming for an enemy, Emmett. I’ve never hated Donia, I just loved you too much to care about her or the fans.”
“Why did you never tell me about that?” Emmett’s voice cracked and he kicked himself for it.
“I didn’t want you to feel guilty about taking your shot. I know that's what I'm doing right now but.”
“No buts Becker. You’re right, I never thought about any of that.”
“So can we drop it?”
“No.”
“Well shit.”
That made Emmett let out a dry laugh, turning to face Becker’s back. Cautiously he wrapped them in his arms and curled his tail around their legs but Becker stayed still. They didn't push him away, which was honestly the best option Emmett could have gotten at this moment.
They didn’t speak for a while after that fight. The two went on with their days of work in the shadows but still came back to each other when it was time to sleep. No matter how hard it felt, it would have been worse for them to not be together. They both knew that deep to their cores which only made Emmett think more about what Becker had said.
They made enemies specifically to be his side, not caring about the outcry of the fan. No matter how many times Alex blew them off, no matter how Donia wanted to kill them for blowing her chance at family again, no matter the heartache of being separated again after their consumer attack. Becker had to do it, and Emmett could finally see that.
It only made the looming of the phantoms sting more when Yrjö was dragged away to the tigers. And as Becker filed into their shared room at the end of the day Emmett sat there waiting. He had set out their pajamas, warmed a cup of cocoa for the two and set out a few of their favorite comfort movies.
“What’s…all of this?” They asked, shrugging off their trench coat and setting in on the coat rack clipped to the back of the door. Becker seemed uneasy and Emmett understood why.
“I know I can’t fix how I hurt you, but I can at least try to make it up to you. I’m sorry Becker.”
They were stunned, Becker just stood there right inside of the doorway as stiff as a board. There was no reason for it but their hands started to tremble ever so slightly, enough for Becker to notice but hopefully not enough for Emmett to.
With a shaky step Becker walked over to the bed where Emmett sat on the edge. He smiled at them, a compassionate look in his eyes wanting to break through in them. Emmett wanted them to know it was okay, that their pain was more than understood. But Becker’s eyes held stiff as stone, the blue slate felt like ice against its fur.
“Is this too much? Becker? Are you okay?”
“I’m overwhelmed,” they stated bluntly, looking away from him. Becker clenched their hands, trying to steady their trembling.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.” They responded instantly, squeezing their hands harder.
“Becker, please sit down. You look like you’ve seen a ghost, please talk to me.” Emmett reached out and pulled at their sleeve cuff. Becker relented, letting him drag them to sit. They still kept the posture of a stiff board no matter how loving Emmett was trying to be. They could feel his paw running up and down their back while his tail wrapped around their waist.
He took a while to press into Becker, he needed them to calm themself down first. Which didn't seem to be happening, only growing worse.
“Bex,” the nickname felt strange on his lips for the first time. The air felt thick with something and no matter how he tried it felt like he couldn’t cut through. “Please talk to me. I can’t read you when you're like this, I want to help.”
“That’s the thing, Emmett. You’re helping too much.”
“What?”
“I don’t deserve this. I yelled at you and I know it made you feel like shit. I should be the one doing this for you and it feels so wrong for sitting here right now.” They held their face in their hands and leaned forwards on their knees.
Emmett rested his head on Becker’s shoulder like he had done so many times before, but for the first time they brushed him away. He bit back the pain it caused him but Emmett persisted; running his paws over their arms Emmett pressed a soft kiss into the side of Becker’s hair.
“Emmett please,” their voice wavered, small and breaking under the pressure of their thoughts.
“Becker please, get in your pajamas and we can lay down. We don’t need to talk about things but I want you to know that you had every right to call me out. You were right.”
Becker crumpled into Emmett’s side, resting their weight onto him. They tried to breathe, counting in their breath and letting it out under the same countdown. Emmett only pulled them in more, holding Becker’s head into the crook of his neck and ran his nails through their hair.
“Why do you love me?” Becker asked, so scared of the answer.
“Because I don't know what my life would be if I didn’t. Loving you is all I know, Becker, and I never want to know a day where I don’t.”
Becker wanted to lay down, hold him close and just try to forget about the fight but they knew it wouldn’t be possible. Doubt would only bubble in their brain, making them feel unworthy of forgiveness no matter how much Emmett would say that they were okay.
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“About the phantoms, I don’t know. I don’t know if we could even communicate from different team’s shadows, we can barely get in contact with Jomgy on a good day. I don’t know what we would do and I have tried so hard not to think about it.”
Emmett held Becker closer, “That’s why I wanted to talk about it. I’m scared, Becker, I can’t lose you like Jomgy. I need you in my life.”
“And I need you, I need you more than I need air. You’re the blood in my veins and the stars in my sky. Emmett I love you and I’ll die before I have to leave you again.”
He held them close, practically climbing into their lap as Emmett’s arms curled about Becker’s neck and tail looping tight around their waist. And Becker gave in, holding him against their body as they sank their head into his chest. Feeling the soft fur tickle their cheeks.
“You’re cocoa’s probably getting cold by now Bex, how about I go and heat it up while you get comfortable. Does that sound like a good plan? You can pick a movie to watch and we can fully talk about this tomorrow.”
Becker nodded, letting their grip slip from Emmett’s waist before going to cup his face and pressing a small kiss to his nose. For the first time in a few days, Becker smiled as Emmett gave them a proper kiss. They were going to be okay.