Archive of Our Own

I was a king under your control

When the topic of leaving was ever brought up there was no discussion of when or if, there was always a never and a ridiculous look from Niall or Louis. But they were surprised, as he had almost imagined them to be, when Zayn declared his leave.

 “I thought it was ride or die?”

 Niall sniffled into his shoulder and he expected this, more or less so, but this is Niall. He has a freaking room dedicated to the expansion of what is one direction in the last five years so Zayn not surprised at his reaction and lets him cry it out.

“I don't … I can't anymore?”

It was a question to himself than the other boy; he can't remember what's going through his head, too many thoughts he didn’t want to have flying throughout his brain, sunrise to sundown it's been all about his boys and just how well everyone else would take it.

 Somehow over the years he's been branded as the one, who was crowned king, Zayn.

Years and years forced to do something he never wanted, under the hands of people who supported their group, their fans, he was praised for being something he didn't think he deserved.

He was lifted and thrown into being a brand he didn't think fit with him, the title of being the mysterious one or the bad boy from Bradford. He just wanted to be Zayn for a while, to get back into the roots he so subtly tried to hide while being famous.

Niall seemed to nod and sniff his way through Zayn’s explanations, in the end they managed to get through it.

He was right scared when he told Louis and Harry, Louis had laughed and bumped shoulders his face full of humor until he watched Zayn’s expression stay calm and his face fell, he was absolutely gutted. Zayn couldn’t deal with that , he called Louis for two days straight with no reply until the other lad showed up to meet him with a big hug and a cup of Zayn’s  favorite coffee. They talked for hours on end, it was hardly impossible of course for Louis to ever be not in his life, his brother, Bhai

Harry was … Harry. Never not cool or collected harry was always the one who kept his calm when things got out of hand.

He heard Zayn speak the words and didn't react the way he thought he would. And sure he wanted Harry to have a proper strop about it, go maniac and yell or for once try to be a little angry at the fact that Zayn was leaving the group.Yet however harry understood him in more ways than he thought, when he pulled Zayn in with a hug and a smile smile growing on his face.

 “You may be leaving but you're always a part of our family Zayn.”

He fell short of Zayn’s expectations and the amount of love in his heart may not be possible to be ever written or spoken because they are his boys, his family.

They say it's easy to leave you behind, I don't want to try

 Liam

He shudders and not for bad reason it's just. It's Liam .He's been trying to teach himself in confidence and strength to not break down when telling Liam how's he leaving. And maybe he's stressed and worked himself out a bit too much because when he confronts him about it Liam smiles, whole heartedly and fully.

“I don't think I can be myself anymore? Like –“

He runs his hand through his hair and Liam nods.

“I understand yea? You got to be happy you know? Just-“

He smiles eyes crinkling and Zayn forgets how to breathe

“Do you love? I'll be here for you no matter what.”

He nods along as Liam presses his lips on his forehead cold and lingering.

He might've forget what it's like being Zayn because somehow over the span of years he's felt like it’s been ZaynandLiam, And as weird as he thought of that it wasn't as weird as the thoughts he's had, something that has become more over the years that leave him aching, truly for the strong hands that usually grips his arms and holds him in comfort.

And he relishes in that, it's all he's got left to think of; it's been like that for years.

Tender smiles warm hands, Times when there was something more but wasn't and there were moments Zayn wanted to explode.

-

It was an accident, he knows that but he's going to say it was on purpose, it was just a small kiss

He knows it was a joke, something Louis stunted about whenever he saw them together.

“Oh! Is that a hickey Liam? I didn't know Zayn knew how to give those.”

 Beet red and pushing him off the mattress where Zayn and Liam cuddled, Zayn huffed annoyed. They were watching a movie, some terrible Sci fi show with horrible graphics, Zayn hated it but Liam loved them and he gladly accepted to watch it for the sake of hearing Liam's laugh.

“Shut up Lou and go away you prick we're enjoying this.”

Louis laughed and hopped upon the bed blocking their way of the TV

“This shit? It's horrible ‘innit? I don't understand why you put up with it Zaynie we both know-“

 And Zayn steals a look at Liam who’s pouting and Zayn sighs because it's tempting and he flicks Lou off watching his figure chuckle while leaving off the bed to go travel to the rest of the house they were staying in, he's the absolute worst.

“You don't like it you could've told me?”

And yea he hates Louis , the sincerity in Liam's wide brown eyes throws Zayn into the pit  of doom , in the distance the TV seems muted to Zayn because his mind screams Liam , he hears the roar of whatever monster is spewing out of god knows what place dying down and he blinks at Liam’s golden eyes.

“No li I love them, promise”

He smiles, honestly.

“Good I was afraid you'll get rid of me, I know they suck.”

“Only a tad bit babe…”

He laughs and this is easy, it's Liam.

 And sometimes he wants more than he should, to be ZaynandLiam instead of Zayn and Liam, who is his best mate alongside the others but no one stands close.

Always there when Zayn’s low and feels like the world is on his shoulders, hands caressing his neck to the point he falls right asleep in his lap too embarrassed when he wakes up but brushed off because it's Liam.

“Well looks like I'll need to find another movie buddy , reckon Niall loves shitty graphics as much as I do.”

 “He watches bad porn you know he does and I won't allow it anyway you're stuck with me.”

They stare and then giggle

Liam looks at him, grinning softly, hair falling in his face which sharpens in the dim light and Zayn forgets he's only 17. That they are only starting this journey together, they have their whole lives ahead of them but Zayn feels like this is the biggest point of his life. He feels like he’s drowning in a lake of Liam Payne, he never knew how to swim but he thinks he doesn’t want to know.

“I wouldn't have it any other way.”

Maybe that's when he realized that he needed this boy named Liam, who clearly ruined Zayn’s life for the better. This boy he mistakenly met at McDonalds at one o’clock in the morning, this golden Adonis he was paired up with somehow on the way to chasing his dreams.

He needed Liam, to be his rock, his clutch against the dark forces that are yet to come.

 He sighed, there was no way Liam could ever feel the same back. So he did what was naturally, he let go of his feelings, put them in the back of his mind and forgot on his silly little crush.

“Of course you wouldn't, you nob!”

Tickling his side Zayn mushed his hips against the other boys, his tongue pressed up against his teeth, giddy and giggly.

“Zayn… Q..Quit it!!”

They wrestled on the bed a bit, TV forgotten as they smile and giggle at each other while rolling around in Nice bed sheets. Hands and legs too close, mouths slick from tongues running against their lips and Zayn forgets how easy this is.

They laugh breathless and tense as the tickles become a little something more, Zayn stooping low to Liam's level to put his face in the crook of his neck and laugh.

 “You're a bad man Malik, insane.”

He scrunched up his nose

“Oh yea? Well glad you think so.”

And Liam hums

“C’mon Zayn don't…”

 He's always been …. Insecure and most people only ever see. He's usually branded the one who was good for looks, his high cheekbones and the drool worthy eyes; he's honestly not sure why when he's pretty average to himself.

“Leeyum please I just –“

He sighs he doesn’t want to do this, or have to explain it again, so he diverts it again

“You’re the good one you know? “

Liam smiles “‘m your favorite”

And simple as that, he is despite what everyone thinks, Nialls alright and so is Harry. Louis is a force to be reckoned with and he fights a lot but he loves him.

Liam, jaan, habibi, his favorite and he think that's alright.

“Yea babe, you are”

He focuses on his lips that stands out, all plump and pink. Ripe for kissing and Zayn won’t, can't wait before he's leaning down, lips hovering over by a fraction and his brain screams don’t!

“Get out of bed you tossers Nialls trying to chug a whole carton of milk.” Louis laughs from the open doorway tapping on the wall and leaves, his voice echoing from the hall.

Protest of chug chug fills the spaces and they groan, and Zayn flicks his eyes again down and is surprised when he finds Liam's doing the same.

“We should go before Niall kills himself”

Zayn’s voice hushed to a whisper

 “Yes of course.”

Liam smiles

And fuck it all , fuck Liam Payne as he sweeps up innocently and immediately to give Zayn a sweet peck on the lips .

Soft and tangibly sparkling, Liam smiles briefly scooting Zayn over and running to Nialls aid in the kitchen , leaving Zayn confused , dazed wanting more and he's completely unsure because Liam just kissed him …. Liam.

And he's scared, Mostly confused but downright scared because he doesn’t know what this means.

They don't talk about it, at all. In fact Zayn’s made up his mind that it was just something all in his imagination, something he needed to forget.

A simple joke, a prank that Liam got from Louis he's sure.

But it doesn’t seem that way when he stares at Liam and he stares back like he knows.

They move on, touring and selling out shows being bros and all that.  And honestly, Zayn’s happy, truly, to have Liam by his side through all of it.

However that kiss, so tiny, creates craters and dimensions in his mind to the point it full fledge becomes something more than a crush and he knows he's fucked.

Liam permanently becomes a daily thought in his mind, something he hadn't thought of doing on purpose.

Would Liam like these shoes? Would Liam like my hair this way? Does he like the way I laugh?  It's difficult staying focus, especially on stage but he manages through time.

They keep it an unspoken secret, for the better half of time, and Zayn’s glad he did. He didn't want to muck up with what they already have.

-           

I dreamed of you dreaming of me calling out my name

“You're all good then? No more hugs to go around?”

He turns around at that, eyes slightly red and puffy from crying.

“Nah I'm all good Harry thanks man.”

He grins tugging out his last bag, getting ready for his “vacation”.

It was Nialls idea really, to go on some adventure to find “his self” whatever Niall think that means. All the lads suggested somewhere foreign, taste new food and see some new sites.

-

“Go to France even though we've been but… Haven't yea? It'll be sick you should rent out a nice pad and smash the whole week.”

 He nodded at Louis who snuggled up against Liam as they sat huddled over a fire, his mind flashing back to over four years ago, before they even decided to become best friends, before they knew what they were getting themselves into.

“Orr maybe he should go to an island! I heard they're fun”

Harrys smiling wide and is instantly blown off by Niall

“No way styles, you want him to be like cast away? Poor Zayn, you wouldn’t want ‘t lad stranded out there with a hat named Wilson?”

“I’m pretty sure it was a ball Niall” Louis winks at the blonde while blowing out smoke from a cigarette he found in his back pocket.

He watches as Harry hums in agreement and lightly pushes Niall whose laughs boost out from him like a hurricane and Zayn chuckles.

“You should visit your mum”

He didn't think he wanted to hear them, but they were the right words.

Liam sits up straighter his eyes focused on Zayn’s and his hands coming up to his arms.

“I bet she misses you, go and give her a proper mother slash son day.”

 And yea he misses her, his crazy sisters and his soft spoken father.

Liam knows just how to get under that surface ,one Zayn builds up to hold his title , cracking the surface piece by piece until there's the Zayn he's left behind , zain.

So he goes with Liam's idea ,naturally , and rings his mum up and tells her he's coming over for a few days or weeks and she's ,to the say the least, very giddy to have her son .

-

He tugs out the last bag ignoring the others protest of just how much clothes he needs exactly, and jumps as cool hands touch his waist. He relaxes once he's hit with a familiar scent and rests his head against Liam's shoulders.

His sigh being loud and evident as Liam takes a whiff of Zayn’s shampoo he heavily used this morning and Zayn smiles, just a bit.

“Alright?”

He looks up and nods, too happy and free and scared, he feels 17 all over again.

“All the bags are there. I'll call you when I get there.”

He whispers it to him, the closeness he doesn't want to share with the rest because they're not Liam and he untangles himself to face him and he winces.

He looks like a kicked puppy, the sadness evident over his face even though he tries not to show it, Zayn heart breaks slightly.

“I'll miss you.”

 They don't say a proper goodbye, because it's not, not really to Zayn. He gets in the car eyes prickling with tears and he watches his boys , Liam , wave him off standing close together as he drives away becoming a small dot in the distance , a small point in the future.

I had to break myself to carry on

It's been days, since he's seen Liam. And he probably shouldn't even think of that when he's had time to reflect on absence and how to get over falling in love with Liam Payne but the feeling the loss comes back stronger than ever.

It makes him feel more confident to write songs, about love and ache even when he knows he can't really express the words he actually means.

“Have you told him how you felt?”

It's a Tuesday the least thought about day of the week and Zayn hates Tuesdays.

He's sitting with Shahid, a long friend and consultant, doing the daily routine and all in the studio, eyes traveling as Shah's cat runs back and forth with Zayn’s Palm and he sighs.

 “Doesn't matter now do it? I've gone and ruined it.”

He knows that that's not the proper answer but he's scared than shit, Liam's his best mate. And he's scared of admitting that he's been in love with him for years.

 “‘s not true, you just needed time to be away, be yourself. Besides ‘v seen the way he looks at you mate, like you're a bloody king or ‘summit”

He shrugs it off, there's no way….

He's taking a trip down memory lane as he recalls all the fond looks and the way Liam's eyes light up when Zayn walks in a room and

It's impossible.

Because if Liam does like Zayn… Zayn thinks it’s impossible. Besides Zayn left everything they all worked for.  He may have chosen to leave but it's their decision to keep him out, he's not going to take the chance and risk the friendship they have.

He continues to deny whatever Shahid is bringing up, the constant reminder that he’s hopeless. He drowns himself in music, creating sounds and writing lyrics he didn’t think he could ever produce.

That ache is still there, crawling up his spine and into his fingers whenever he takes a break and just takes a minute to think.

He wants to stop thinking for a moment.

-

He's lying down, eyes closed earbuds in ear, being coaxed by whatever comes up on shuffle on his iPod and he feels a slight ping of his heart, a dip in his chest as he thinks of Liam's arms and his voice.

Reassuring that it's alright, and he's the safe haven that Zayn needs that he's been looking for all these years.

His thoughts go to how much of a great person Liam is and how much he doesn’t mind picking up the pieces with Zayn, even if it’s too much, he’ll power it through.

He picks up his mobile and dials Liam's number

“‘Li?”

Shuffling of sheets groans and a clearing of a throat makes Zayn homesick.

“Zayn? What's up is everything alright love?”

 He wants to breakdown and he's a grown man for Pete’s sake but he feels like crying.

“I just –“he takes a deep breath “I just needed to hear your voice you know? It helps.”

No need to imply because Liam's knows always does and they talk through the Night Liam’s voice rough and husky from waking up and it does something to Zayn, besides going straight to his dick, it calms.

“‘M scared yea? What if –“he closed his eyes “what if everyone hates me for leaving?”

He's not sure how the rest of the world took it he's been off social media for days , took to staying in the shadows cause he's not ready for the millions of people declaring their heartbreak he can't.

“Zayn? They won't they love you. ’s not your fault and so what, you're doing what you want no shame babe.”

Liam coughs

“Is this all you're worried about then?”

Zayn hums clearly transfixed on just Liam’s voice he clicks his tongue.

He's not sure of himself, not sure of his feelings at all and not really content without Liam beside him and he's having a difficult time because it's always been them ZaynandLiam

“I miss you”

He instantly regrets it, he wants to hang up and redial, laugh saying ha just kidding, and he wishes the ground could swallow him up.

They do this all the time, and he realizes he's panicking for no reason because He does this naturally with Liam and more.

“I miss you too z, loads.”

 He sighs resting his palm against his forehead, wishing it was Liam's hands in his hair and on his cheeks, rubbing his temple to soothe Zayn and he almost whines, he misses him badly and he loathes separation.

“I want to come visit‘s that alright Leeyum?”

He thinks he's pushing it

“Of course Zayn it's always alright when it's you.”

When it's always you

Of course

I wanna feel like you let me go, let me go

 “Zzaayyynnn!!!”

He turns to his name calling and instantly grins when he spots a familiar head of brown and a delicate row of chevrons waving back and forth in the crowd.

He tries his best to make his way towards him, bumping into people in the cluttered airport.

He picks up his suitcase and walks faster in Liam's direction.

“Leeyum!!”

He smiles fully, running up and bringing him in close to inhale everything about him and he's home finally.

He laughs as he's shaken and twirled, his heart thumping loud in his ears and he's happy … God he's happy.

- 

 They're walking towards Liam's house, something Zayn’s familiar and he grins while watching Liam grab his bags out the truck.

“All those boxing lessons paid off yea?”

He tilts his head watching Liam's arms flex and become taut, the fabric of his tee stretch around his muscles. He bends down to get something that fell from the truck and Zayn notices his back muscles flex and he internally groans.

Liam looks great, amazing and he's a distraction because Zayn knows English very well (so he's been told) but he can't form a single sentence right now all thanks to Liam “muscles “Payne.

“What'd you say?”

Liam looks up as he gets the last bag and closes the car trunk; He shakes his head and replies with nothing.

They walk inside, greeted by warmth and coziness, Zayn instantly taking off his shoes and jacket while Liam marches in setting the bags in the hall.

“Missed this place…”

He smiles as he notices Liam staring

“Missed you here”

And his heart aches, his stomach clenching slightly at its harmless words and he feels sick and it’s all a bit twisted.

His heart pumps and he thinks Liam is the worst person to have a crush on

He walks over and touches Liam's shoulder, feeling the bumps of his shoulders dip from new muscles forming and squeezes.

“Missed you the most li, definitely”

He can't help notice the crinkles Liam shows when he smiles.

-

It's in the morning when he decides it's more than just a crush, he's full blown in love with him and he's not sure if he's okay.

It's when Liam Wakes him up for coffee and pancakes ( chocolate chip Zayn’s favorite) and pats his shoulder while almost tripping over a chew toy Ruth must've left when she visited with his now overgrown pup Loki.

It's when Liam's sat down across from Zayn ,hair slightly wet and tangled from his early morning shower , eyes dim and lips bright red his shirt uneven and big across his frame.

Zayn realizes this should be everyday instead of today, he wants this, wants to sit from Liam and tell him about his day and what he wants from life and how much he absolutely loves breakfast – only from Liam.

He slowly chews

“‘s good”

He nudges Liam's leg under the table, watching him look up and grin.

“I try thanks”

Something's tense, he’s not sure why, Zayn’s smile dips and he's confused.

“Everything’s alright?”

He pauses

 “Everything is great Zayn. Why wouldn't it be? You're here”

Liam squeezes Zayn’s hand, his larger ones wrapped around Zayn’s rings and skinny fingers he squeezes back and pretends they don't hold hands longer, until they're finished breakfast and gone to something else.

Take that test, courage do your jest

He's in bed when it happens, usually always when this happens, his mind drifting in and out about Liam.

He's in Liam's bed more accurately, or Liam's guest bedroom and he can't help it.

Liam's been working out, shirtless, for the past few days, sweaty and breathless. He’s taken the liking to go to his gym (downstairs) and watch Liam plow through exercises easily, watch as he burns through weights and sit ups, as his own heart burns to touch his skin.

To run his tongue over every inch and he just wants to feel Liam, to be connected so their bodies merge.

He's upstairs, after Liam left to do some stuff for one direction, after Liam tenses as he says it because he's not sure still if Zayn’s sensitive about it but dismiss it after Zayn nods and goes back to his drawing.

His mind flashing to Liam shirtless and he needs to lie down and relax.

His dick twitches, every moment thought and image displayed about Liam has him full and eager.

He palms himself, mouth open and he's breathing hard, his cock straining against his joggers and he hurriedly kicks them off watching it spring and flap against his stomach Zayn groans.

 He grips himself at the first image that's played In His mind, Liam dripping wet after his shower from working out and he moans at the thought of being in the shower with Liam, his brain fuzzy as he works his way off.

He shifts his legs knees up giving him more comfort as he tugs on his dick again ,pre come slicking his hands and the next wave of images appear, this time Liam pinning him down ,arms above his head lips against his chest fitting right down on the tattoo he has –

While he's pounding mercifully into him, thrusts uncontrollably as he hits that spot and Zayn imagines him arching while Liam repeatedly thrusts his cock into his ass and Zayn works his hand up and down faster images coming through like a tidal wave, unjust as he rolls his eyes back, Thinking of Liam holding and fucking him into euphoria until Zayn’s nothing but a mess.

“Oh...Oh fuck!”

He's coming fast , sputtering into his chest while he gasps and tries to control himself from screaming as Liam in his mind kisses him and smoothed his hand against his made up body.

He comes down slowly from his orgasm, the final wave worked out and he licks his lips dry and he notices the mess he's made.

Going to get a rag he cleans up and looks at himself in the mirror, eyes wild and glazed.

He's in love

- 

He's thought of when to tell Liam and how, even practiced in the mirror once or twice and he's feeling pumped.

It’s a few days till Zayn leaves and he's not ready to go, but he's ready to tell Liam, to give up himself.

He plans it all out, to the best of his ability, when Liam leaves and when he comes back. He thought of dinner and candles and wine.

Something to ease out the awkwardness and give a little confidence boost.

He thinks he's insane, truly maddening to do this but he's got no choice. Liam’s a magnet in his mind, stuck on completely hard to get rid of and he thinks maybe he’s the same way.

He's walking over to him the Night he's supposed to declare his undeniable love for him, watching Liam text whoever is on his mobile and his breathing stops.

“Hey man”

Liam looks up and grins

 “Hey Zayn” he pauses “mums coming over in a bit yea? Says she hasn't seen you in a while wanted to proper get a good look at ya before you left.”

 He swallows and his plans shatter, thinks that the plan was stupid anyway and there's no way he could it while Liam's mum was over …. No way.

-

They show about an hour later, hands full out grabbing him and tugging him into hugs and he smiles. The Payne’s were nice people, touchy but Nice and they loved him just as much as he did them.

He hugged Liam's mum and dad when they walked through the threshold, eyes locking with each other and their faces light up.

“My boy, we missed you!”

He gets a soft whack on the back from Geoff and he chuckles.

“Missed you too Mr. Payne”

Geoff waves him off

“You know I don't like that son “

He smiles as Zayn’s head dips and nods.

He moves on to his real son and Zayn moves on to Liam’s mum, Karen as she hugs him tight.

“Oh bug we missed you a lot. How's the family, Patricia doing ‘k?”

He doesn't miss the sincerity of her voice as she touches his cheeks.

He nods

“They're fine, mums doing alright yea she's good.”

 She nods and smiles, eyes turning into crescents like Liam’s “good to hear always good, you doing okay?”

 He scratches his beard “doing fine enough”

He grins and that's enough for her, enough for him before he's being pounced on by Ruth and Nicola as they spy him and grab onto a limb.

“Oh Liam you didn't tell us that you've been keeping poor Zayn here in captive. He's allowed to leave you know?”

Ruth laughs pulling Zayn into a hug, he smiles into it, her body warm and inviting like Liam and he notices that it's a Payne thing – he loves it.

“He's no way near shut up, he likes it here”

He nods along with Liam's words

 “Well I for one should stay a little bit longer here yea? Reckon you got ‘nough room for your older sister. I'd like a bit of me some Zayn”

Nicola runs her hands through Zayn’s hair, as he doesn't mind and relaxes into her touch.

“Nah I think you should leave and stay away from me best mate Nic “

Liam scrunches up his nose and pouts clearly uncomfortable as they grab onto Zayn, his sight fuzzy as the hold onto him limb by limb and he thinks he's under oath to be their Zayn, like a king as he takes his place to devote his time to His people.

“‘s cool Leeyum, I don't mind” He notices the way his eyes light up at that, the way he takes in his sisters and the rest of his family.

 “See little li he loves us.” She coos at Zayn and he blushes always like that when Ruth or Nicola profess their love for him in any given way.

“Don't call me little li I'm not twelve.” Liam huffs crossing his arms looking every bit little under his big sisters and Zayn giggles.

 Liam notices and gives a shy grin, hands reaching to greet him and he removes himself from the girls to go to his Liam.

“You're cute” Zayn pokes his cheeks that he's puffed out for laughs

Liam wiggles his eyebrows and smiles

“You think?”

He rubs an arm up and down Zayn’s and he shrugs

“Definitely for a twelve year old”

And he walks away, trying to find Liam's mum who’s yelled and said she's got cookies, giggling at Liam's protest.

He doesn't mind Liam, or his family, most importantly he doesn't mind being with Liam.

He thinks he should try later wait until it's the two of them and silence till Zayn gives in and bursts this bubble.

Let go let go of everything

He's gone ahead and ruined everything, to him at least.

He's left Liam's house after thought and thoughts of I love you's being Swept up by the wind as they hug and say goodbye.

Zayn’s heart deflating once he boards the plane,  he curses himself and somehow feels like the biggest idiot on the planet.

He spends time after the flight at Shahids, staying to try and replay the conversations he’s had with Liam, his best mate.

He gets home late after an intense day of meetings, immediately going to his cabinet for a drink, anything to stop the images and thoughts playing through his mind.

It's been hard he thinks as he pulls out a bottle of whatever is in a fancy looking glass bottle because he doesn't care, he's gone and ruined the thing he needed to do the most but he couldn't.

Not when Liam looked so …confused toward Zayn when he asked if he ever thought of him in his future.

-

“You … In my future, what do you mean?” Liam's brows come together, his lips puckered and his facial expression confused.

“Yea like-“Zayn motions his hands back and forth “do you see me in your future.”

And Liam tilts his head

“As friends?”

And Zayn’s heart shatters because of course, Liam would only think of him ever as a friend no more than his best mate.

He tries to not look like he's been hurt and masks it effortlessly.

“Yes li of course”

Liam’s smile is worth it though, why shouldn’t it ever

“Why Zayn! You're always going to be in my future, C’mere.”

He's being pulled in by large arms and warm smiles and he tries not to break down or push him away because he is –

He's his best friend, his favorite.

-

He's smashed, completely drunk.

He's downed the half bottle which now sits empty next to him on the floor.

He's shucked of his shoes and pants, sitting in the dim light of only his TV on and in a small old t'shirt and underwear.

He’s having a hard time thinking of what to do, when he's so confused about everything in the past few months.

The latest news on him, he's scheduled for appearances and shows as just Zayn not Zayn in one direction and he's nervous, quite frankly.

He's had a double take at himself in the mirror and didn't like the dark circles and the overgrown beard and he's falling into something different something unknown.

He's been in the press, through talk and he's known that he would of course.

He’s been in meetings after meetings discussing his contract and his final days of one of the five. He checks up on his boys daily, when he could.  They’re working is what he usually gets and a small row of texts apologizing from each of them and he gets it, he doesn't worry about it …much

It hits him harder than he expected, being gone from tour and his boys and he figures he's the biggest jerk ever.

He takes it he sucks; he wasn't supposed to leave yet,wasn’t supposed to cause this ripple effect and this storm, leaving everything to them. Struggling to pick up the pieces he’s gone ahead and broken in their path.

And then there's Liam, whose touch makes him weak in the knees and everywhere else and he can see them becoming more but not yet.

Because he's fucked up by having this horrible crush on Liam and he's not sure if he ever wants to see Liam’s face again.

Not when he's everywhere Zayn looks, not when Zayn is already full and high off of him already.

He stands up staggering so, making his way to his bathroom trying not to fall.

He takes a good look at his face and chuckles darkly, he's had a few moments where he's hit bottom and this one might take the cut.

He runs his hand through his hair which has grown a lot and Zayn hates it he hates it all.

Everyone's used to his hair being his crown his permanent signature and Zayn’s tired of it all.

“Fuck it”

He searches for his razors and scissors and clips away, his fingers working the cut and Zayn doesn't care.

He takes a good look at the hair that's fallen and it’s a rush of fresh air, even if he's drunk it’s about the best decision he's made all year.

He travels his hands up on his now shaven head and smiles, one truly real and he might cry because he's one step to being who he started out as.

After he does that he sleeps, and sleeps. He sleeps through the pain and the ordeal of having to explain himself.

He also writes and writes song after song which calls for him to go to Shahid a lot and put the final touches on his single, His first song after one direction.

 He feels in control, more or less so powerful because he’s something he wants and someone he wanted to be for a long time, he exhales all of the old and inhale the new with smile and open arms.

He’s in the studio once again, hands shaking as Shahid replays the song for him over and over. He's proud of it to be honest; it's one of the most emotional songs he's ever written.

He just hopes the world, and Liam, would like it as well.

“Brilliant Zayn, it’s about him isn’t it?” Shahid asks after Zayn hit the stop button, his hands resting on his thighs, still shaking slightly.

He smiles sheepishly

“Yea, you think he'll like it? Put my heart into it”

He feels his eyes prick with tears and he is hit by a wave of emotions and Shahid rolls his eyes and laughs

“‘Course he will Zayn”

-

He should've made arrangements  At least when he ringed up Liam a few days ago and said he's coming down to meet him and the boys.

But he's done being in a schedule , he's getting out his car and smiling as the warm sun hits his face, he's been in a schedule almost all of his life and he just wants to relax.

He makes his way up the floor where the boys are and he's feeling a rush to his walk as he opens the door and spots two idiots laughing and goofing around.

“Oi! You cheat ‘gimme back me chips! You don't deserve them!”

He grins as Niall tries to run after Louis who’s eating them while laughing and he stops as he notices Zayn.

“Holy shit when you meant you were looking for change I didn't bloody well think you meant cutting off your hair!!”

Louis walk up to him grinning, hands all over his buzzcut.

“Trying to be like Payno then? Heard buzzcut season was over like three years ‘go Zayn” he nudged Niall and shakes his head a smile growing on his face.

He’s all forgotten about Liam's shaved hair and his mind traveled to back then, before they started everything that is present.

“No just felt right to you know?”

 He gives another shrug and they all laugh and pounce on him. He turns around as he hears a long line of hellos being thrown his way and is enveloped by Harry and he relaxes and he misses this.

“You are doing okay?”

Harry kisses his temple and he nods

“I'm doing loads better”

They all cheer and Zayn feels full, high and happy …. God he's happy.

Don't wanna have to lose

He gets directed to Liam's room, and his palms start to sweat and he feels excited to see him again and fuck he's missed him more than he should.

He opens the door slowly, surprised that its opened but quickly dismissing it , they have all gone pass the rule of locking doors , they haven't done it in years , he makes his way to the back where he hears a soft trail of music and his heart speeds up because it sounds familiar and he doesn't know what to think.

He finds Liam sitting on a couch, feet crossed and Arms circling himself and Zayn heart aches.

 The song is soft and has a nice ring to it and Zayn relaxes, and hangs his head down.

“Do you like it?”

Liam's head snaps up and stares at Zayn like he can't believe it, he can’t.

“It’s amazing z, it’s fucking amazing. You have so much talent-“

Zayn makes a noise of protest coming to his side and shuts off his song. He grabs Liam's hands and rubs his thumbs across.

“Glad you like it then babe.”

He mumbles and smiles at Liam who’s looking so unsure of himself and so small and Zayn tries to figure out what's wrong.

Liam smiles softly

“What made you write it?”

His heart beats faster and he doesn't want this to be like the other times, he's anew and wants to start better.

He takes a look at the lad in front of him, the man whose kept his heart for years and never knew it, Liam who’s his whole world.

He grips onto his hands for dear life, they're in a boat ready to collapse and Zayn’s afraid he might drown …

He takes a deep breath, he’s already drowning, have been  for years with Liam and he’s finally gasping for breath, he wants this and he wants a change and most definitely he wants Liam.

“You Liam”

His head snaps up again and his eyes are lit, shining and insanely bright as he watches Zayn’s face for any laughter and realizes that's he's serious and he widens his eyes.

“What?”

He makes a noise and Zayn laughs while scooting closer , their knees touching and Zayn is scared , his anxiety off the charts but he has to do this  , a surprise amount of Confidence oozes out of him, trailing his words into complete sentences and keeps his mind clear.

“I've always… It was always you Liam. From the beginning it's been you.”

He winced internally because yea he's corny, but the way Liam looks at him when he says that is worth it.

 “You never said anything? All this time Zayn-”  

He lets go and runs a hand over his face and Zayn swallows.

“You never hinted that you had feelings for me. I've always-”

Zayn’s eyes widen

 Because no, this isn't happening, Liam can't because he's spent so much time over this boy he's grown weary and comfortable with the fact that Liam doesn’t have any feelings for him.

“I'm in love with you”

He just blurts it out, like a shower of fireworks and Zayn sighs all of it out now and he feels relieved.

 “I've been proper in love with you since forever and you've never noticed so I thought I .. I thought it would've been best not to mention it li. Like you're my best mate yea? And I thought you'll hate me.”

He finishes off quick and Liam just stares.

 Zayn stares back nervous and kind of annoyed because Liam should say something anything. Instead he’s just blank and unreadable

Zayn knew this was bad idea; he's moving his hands and beginning to get up

Until he's being brought down –

“You daft lad”

He doesn’t have time to protest or do anything really as lips are crashing into his, just as he imagined soft and amazingly warm.

He feels his mind expand and collapse all at the same time, things becomes more clearer now and all he can feel is Liam everywhere.

He's filling up his senses and his mind and all he can think of his more and finally.

They aim for more , the separation of years conjoined at last and they feel high .

Neither one of them wants to break away but they do , horribly.

Liam rests his head against Zayn’s and they stare deep into each other's eyes , grinning like fools and Zayn’s not sure if this is what it's like to finally have what you've always wanted , maybe it's more but he doesn't care. This is the best feeling in the world and he doesn't care for anything other than Liam.

 “Oh by the way I'm ‘sorta in love with you too.”

He smiles, life and love next to him on his side for once, and goes in for another lasting kiss.

He's not sure that anything can compare to having Liam right next to him

But He’s well sure he doesn't want anything , anyone else other than liam.