Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Do I really need to carry that many knives?" Deadpool Peter asked after finding another secret place for a knife in Deadpool's suit.

Daredevil Wade nodded without hesitation. "Look, we want to be realistic here, okay?"

"But no one will even know if I have a hidden knife in my boot or not."

Wade put on the Daredevil cowl. "Well, what happens when you'll need a knife from your boot and your boot will be empty, huh?"

"I'm sure I'll find a knife in some secret pocket under your armpit or something." Peter mumbled.

Wade ignored him and looked in the mirror to see himself in the full Daredevil costume.

He snorted. "Okay now to the more important thing. How the hell does Matty manage to be threatening while wearing these ridiculous horns?"

Spider-man Matt, who was struggling to put on the tight spandex for the last ten minutes, groaned. "I was thinking of abandoning them but Foggy said it's the brand now."

Wade posed like an Instagram girl in front of the mirror. "The man is saying nothing but the truth."

Matt rolled his eyes. "I'm not dumb, I know he's finding them funny too."

Peter raised an eyebrow in confusion. "So, why are you still wearing them?"

"I need to let him have his secret revenge unless I want to be yelled at even more than I am normally."

Peter snickered while carefully putting Wade's katanas in their place behind his back.

Wade sighed dreamily. "Ah young love."

Matt finally managed to put on the Spider-man suit, minus the mask, and fell down on the sofa, needing to catch his breath after that workout.

It was a dumb idea.

It really was. And they knew that. Of course they did. But for some reason when Wade was telling them his 'genius idea of the day' (definitely his words), Peter and Matt didn't immediately roll their eyes and told him to maybe not have ideas. In general.

But this time they just stared, not with disbelief or disappointment but with... awe? It was hard to admit but the idea was kind of genius. Changing suits and pretending to be each other? Brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular- okay no. Wade doesn't deserve that much praise. Especially how all of his previous ideas sucked. (Creating their own dance routine to show it to the tied-up criminals as an 'alpha' move? Really, Wade?)

But this one felt really funny, the possibilities are endless and all that jazz. It was kind of revenge in a way too, since people always managed to confuse the three of them. Sure, they all like wearing red and fighting crime because they have deeply traumatizing backstories and constant guilt over things they can't control BUT they're actually totally different people and it was rude to think otherwise.

So yeah, they were doing this. And they will probably going to regret it. But that doesn't matter. Because at this moment they were so pumped up with the adrenaline of being someone different for one night, that the consequences of their questionable actions didn't catch up yet. Which means they have to hurry.

Peter throwed his web-shooters at Matt knowing he'll catch them. The blind man inspected them carefully and put them on.

Wade whined. "Uhh why do I have to be Daredevil? I want to be Spidey and shoot webs and swing through the city and be a god to all the spiders."

"Yeah, that's why you're not Spider-man." Peter said dryly.

But Wade was already on a different trail of thought. "Wait, Matty where are your stick thingies?"

"It's called a billy club and it should be in that closet." Matt pointed at a tired looking closet. Well, he pointed to a spot on the wall next to the closet but the point was made.

Wade found the 'stick thingies' and tried to do cool moves with them. And he actually succeeded in that. He was swinging the two billy clubs in various directions while doing kicks and punches in the air. Sometimes Peter forgot Wade was actually a really skillful mercenary who could use anything as a weapon.

The said skillfully mercenary giggled. "These are so cool. I'm gonna kick so much ass tonight."

"Not too much." Matt warned. "You need to remember who you're dressed as."

Wade rolled his eyes as if that was the most boring thing he ever heard. "Don't worry, your reputation as the I-don't-kill-but-I'll-throw-you-off-the-building will be safe in my hands." He saluted.

Matt fell quiet, definitely not convinced at the promise but decided to let that go. "Good." He said simply.

They were all wearing the costumes now. Wade was still posing in the mirror, now with the billy clubs, while Peter was practicing pulling out the katanas and putting them back (he refused to use Wade's guns, even if they had rubber bullets). Peter didn't want to admit it but he was kind of living his childhood ninja fantasy right now. And Matt, once he got used to the weird feeling of spandex around him, decided to test out the web-shooters. Which basically ended up with him knocking off various items from the table and decorating his apartment with strings of webs, one web even got stuck on the ceiling and just hung there awkwardly.

After ten minutes of controlled chaos and many wows and oohs, the three men finally decided to actually go out.

They climbed up to Matt's apartment's roof and stretched out in their new suits for one last time.

"Before we go," Started Peter. "Should we make some rules for each other or something? Just so that things... don't go off the rails?" He made some awkward gestures with his hands.

Matt nodded in agreement. "That would probably be for the best." He gave Wade a look which meant 'you're the reason we need to have this conversation' and the merc sighed, not surprised at all.

Which was why Wade decided to start first. "Webs, my only rule is you have to keep my reputation of being the funniest and coolest mercenary there is. Whatever it takes." He whispered the last part darkly.

Peter rolled his eyes (could they see that? Deadpool's mask was famous for its weird expressions) and smiled sarcastically. "Shouldn't be hard since that reputation doesn't exist."

"Hey!-"

But Peter was now talking to Matt, ignoring Wade. "I guess my rule is for you to pay attention to the smaller crimes as well. I know you're more used to fighting the big guys but Spider-man is the kind of hero who helps old grannies cross the road, you get me?"

Matt nodded his head. "Yeah, I get it." He can be the friendly neighborhood Spider-man for one day, right? It could be even relaxing to not think about corruption and one-thousand-year-old evil organizations.

Matt was the last to say his rules. "Wade." He said just so the man would stop fantasizing in his head. Yes, he could tell.

The merc in Devil's clothing batted his eyelashes innocently. "Yes, Spidey?"

The blind man didn't laugh at his joke. "No killing, no dumb references, no dick jokes, no singing while fighting, no flirting, no guns, no-"

"Okay okay I get it. Basically, don't be myself." Wade said grumpily.

"Basically, yes." Matt agreed.

"Fine, I swear I won't do any of those things and be the best Daredevil the world has ever seen."

Matt sensed his lie but let it go. The consequences didn't quite catch up yet so he still felt like maybe this won't be that bad.

Peter clapped once. "Great! I guess... See you later?"

They all decided to patrol alone tonight since some of them already had plans. Daredevil was supposed to stop an illegal drug trafficking job and Deadpool said he had some kind of job as well (when Peter asked what it was, Wade admitted to not knowing yet and just gave him his burner phone with the only contact there being 'Weasel'). Spider-man was the only one who didn't have some specific plans but he rarely did.

The three men looked at each other. Maybe those consequences were getting close now.

That's why Wade quickly shouted, "See ya!" and throwed himself off the roof. Matt managed to think how bloody his suit will be after the merc will be done with it.

But he pushed that thought out of his head and shoot out a web to the building across from him to swing himself in the direction Spider-man usually patrolled.

Peter was left standing alone on the roof. He sighed and started to look for a fire escape to climb down. Without his web-shooters or Wade's incredible healing factor, he probably should stay closer to the ground.

Though he will definitely check out every Deadpool's pouch and figure out how the hell he carries so many unnecessary and random things. What? It's a mystery he has to unlock!

Chapter Text

[I'm pretty sure our whole face situation is a huge giveaway]

(I mean we used like a lot of make-up. A lot)

[No amount of make-up will hide us]

Wade banged on the door. No one answered.

"Ugh the manners of these guys."

(Daredevil fights in the dark a lot, right? So, no light, no problems!)

[Idiot, we can't see in the dark]

Wade hit the door much aggressively now, not expecting an answer. Matt would probably go the sneak attack way but that's just boring. And complicated. Why make confusing plans on how to get in, when he can just go through their front door?

(We were blind that one time and I think we did okay)

[We did horribly]

(Yeah but that's the fun in it!)

Wade managed to open the door with the power of his amazing muscles and the strength of a man.

[You just got lucky that lock was rusty]

Wade walked in into the dark room. "Helloooo? This is pizza delivery! Has anyone ordered a Hawanian with a side of you're going to prison."

At least twenty guns of various types were pointing right at his face. Huh, maybe that's why Matt likes the sneak attack tactic.

"Okay fine you got me." He put his arms in the air. "I don't have any pizza."

One of the armed guys whispered to his friend. "Is Daredevil alright? This might be the first time I heard him talk."

But Wade heard him because of his Daredevil senses-

[The good acoustics in this mostly empty space]

-and replied with confidence. "Yeah. That's how I sound, guys. I was insecure about my voice for a long time. I got bullied and beat up and mistreated as a person with a horrible voice." He said it as if he was on X-Factor telling his tragic backstory. "But I don't let others bully me anymore and I'm not going to keep quiet no longer! As the bearded lady from The Greatest Showman once said, this is me." Wade dramatically clutched his heart, forgetting to keep his hands in the air.

All of the armed men blinked in confusion. An uncomfortable silence set between all of them.

Then, one guy started to clap.

"That's great, man."

All of the others glared at him, shutting him up quickly.

"Daredevil," The skinny vampire looking dude addressed him. From the way all the others were behind him like lost puppies, Wade could guess he was the leader of the operation. "You made a mistake coming here."

"Did I?" Wade looked around. "This is the drug traffickers place, right? Wow it would be so embarrassing if it wasn't."

The anti-garlic man frowned but continued his monologue. "We knew you would come. Your secret tip wasn't that secret."

(Jeez this guy is pale)

[And boring. Can we start fighting now?]

Wade fake gasped. "A trap? What a plot twist! Honestly, that's alright with me. Makes the fight more interesting.

This time Dracula's cousin didn't ignore his weird talking. "...Are you on drugs or something?"

Wade slapped his knee as he let out a loud laugh. It sounded even louder when it was in complete silence. "Ohmygod that would be so ironic, right? Me coming here to stop your drug trafficking thing while I myself was on drugs!"

Everyone kept staring at him, not knowing what to do. The Daredevil in front of them was talking and joking and laughing?

But Wade wasn't done. "No no no. I'm not on drugs, guys! Come on, what do you take me for? Deadpool? I bet that guy would come here all high and murdery. Though he actually can't get high and that is really just another reason why his life sucks BUT enough about that asshole, let's talk about you." Wade's voice suddenly became serious, the cheeriness gone in a blink of an eye. "I'm gonna be honest, you don't have many options right now. You either surrender willingly and I won't need to waste my time on you - maybe even get some tacos later. Or you decide to be dumb and try to change your future which is already set for you. And I mean prison. For a long long time." He finished his speech with a smile.

Everyone was still staring at him, but their expressions were more angry than confused.

[Doesn't look like they're up for surrendering]

Wade grinned. "I hoped they wouldn't"

And with that, everything started at once. The rapid shooting, men trying to pin him to the ground and the constant shouting. But none of that got to Wade. He was in his element. He would compare this to a dance but Peter always said he dances like a granny in a rager (Peter never was a romantic). But Wade always was a damn good singer.

"~You are the dancing queeen! Young and sweeeet! Only seventeeen~" Wade sang as he hit guys left and right with his sticks.

[Billy clubs]

(I don't get it. Who's Billy? Are we going to his club after this?)

[If I could roll my eyes, I would do it right now]

Wade did get shot. A lot. But he just kept going, using their confused pauses after the bullet didn't stop him and kicking them in their heads. Daredevil does a lot of leg kicks, right?

[No, I think that's Iron Fist. Daredevil is the boxer]

(But he does all of those spins and stuff)

[True... Maybe he does do kicks]

It was kind of refreshing. Everyone knows Deadpool and his healing factor which means he always gets the bad end of a lot of messed up weapons. Not like any of them stopped him before but still. These untrained guys with their small guns and angry growls were just adorable.

Wade grabbed one of the guns on the ground. "~Dancing queeen! Feel the heaat! Of the tambouriiine! Oh yeaaah~" He shot five men while spinning like a ballerina. Just in their legs though! He's a behaved mercenary now!

Wade looked around the poorly lit up room. Most of the men were down, either hissing in pain or just plain knocked out. But the leader was still standing, glaring at him from across the room. He clearly let others do the fighting while he was standing and watching.

(Such a classic dick move)

Wade pointed the gun at him and started shooting. But the vampire dude was quick. He avoided the bullets while also getting closer and closer to Wade.

He hissed. "And I though you didn't use guns."

"Don't confuse me with Batman." Wade quipped easily as he kept shooting.

But he ran out of the bullets quick and decided to stick with the classics - his fists.

"~You can daaance~" Wade started to sing again as he throwed the first punch at the pale man, making him stumble. "~You can jiive~" The anti-garlic man tried to hit back but was quickly pinned down to the wall. "~Having the time of your life~" Wade sang while keeping the enemy to the wall. "Are you having the time of your life, buddy? You seem a little uncomfortable there." He pushed him further into the wall, making him choke a little. "I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable, would I?" Wade said innocently as the pale face in front of him finally got some red in it.

He waited a few seconds and stepped back. The leader fell down on his knees, panting and choking on air.

The skinny man didn't look like he wanted a round two but, just in case, Wade stabbed him in his foot with a knife he secretly took with him (what? It was useful at the end of the day). The man screamed, looking even more small and defeated than before.

[At the end of the day, he's just another pathetic dickhead]

(What if he's actually a vampire though? You have to ask him!)

"Hey dude," Wade nudged the man with his leg. "Are you a vampire?"

"Wh-What? No!" The not-vampire breathed out.

(That's disappointing)

Wade sighed and went to grab something to tie them up with. Unfortunately, he didn’t find any rope but he did find some tape and belts. With those Wade managed to secure the men, not like any of them were up for moving soon.

After that, Wade lazily explored the building. Though most of it was empty. Except the garage with trucks full of drugs. Realizing there's nothing else to do, Wade texted a tip to the police like a good citizen and walked out bouncing on his heels. He did it! He did the job!

[When Daredevil hears about you singing ABBA while shooting at criminals, he's going to murder you]

"No one will ever know." Wade said confidently.

[How are you so sure of that?]

(These guys definitely look like the gossip types)

Wade scoffed. "They can gossip all they want. But the thing is, no one will ever believe their story." He grinned like an evil genius.

But before he could start manically laughing as well, his phone started to ring. Wait, no. Wade's phone definitely didn't ring Foggy! Foggy! Foggy!

Wade tried to find where the buzzing was coming from and discovered a secret compartment in the suit's thigh. Matt probably forgot he left his phone there.

The phone kept ringing. Shit, should he answer it?

(Matt didn't say anything about no talking to his friends)

[He doesn't know we even have his phone]

Wade pulled out the phone out of the secret pocket and looked at it. It was still ringing.

(Jeez did Foggy make his call last five minutes or something)

Wade answered it. "Yes?"

What? He couldn't resist! Foggy is a great man who deserves to get his calls answered! Matt probably ignores way too many of them anyway.

"Matt, where are you?" Foggy sounded frustrated, maybe worried?

(Shit are we supposed to say the truth or lie?)

"Uhhh..." Wade trailed off, debating on whether he should just hang up. "I'm where I said I was...?" He hoped the outside noise will hide his voice a little.

There was a short silence from the other end. "I know you're not at your apartment."

[Matt is going to murder us]

(And bury us in a vibranium coffin)

[And we'll die of dehydration and the lack of oxygen over and over again]

(Forever)

Wade shook his head in an attempt for the voices to stop. Everything was under control. He can handle this.

"Foggy dear, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Can I call you later?" Wade tried to talk casually.

"No, you can't." Foggy replied flatly. "You said you'll stay home this week."

Wade nodded to himself. "Ah yeah. I remember that. Yup."

It's like he could feel Foggy judging him. The silence was unbearable.

"You're not Matt."

Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck

(ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!)

[Hang up! No! Pretend to get shot! No! Throw the phone into a wall!]

Wade took a deep breath, pretending he doesn’t have two screaming voices in his head. "Ha ha what? That's funny. You're funny. Anywayys I thinkIhavetogo." He mumbled the last part quickly and was ready to hang up but Foggy was faster.

"Stop! You're Wade, right? Deadpool?"

(ABORT MI- Wait... Maybe not abort mission?)

"...Yeah? How did you know?"

Foggy scoffed. "Come on, I think I know how Matt sounds and that's not you."

"But how did you know it was Deadpool?"

"Matt complained about you enough times for me to recognize you. And stealing his phone seems like a thing Deadpool would do." Foggy said calmly, as if explaining why the sun is hot.

Wade gasped, offended. "Hey! I didn't steal his phone!"

"So why do you have it?"

[Maybe you should have just said you stole it]

Wade cleared his throat. "I... I found it. Accidentally. And was about to return it. Yes. That's what I was doing."

"Uh-huh." Foggy definitely didn't believe him. Maybe that's for the better, anyway. "Do you know where Matt is, by any chance?"

"Nope." Wade lied. "Why did he said he won't patrol anyway?"

Foggy let out a tired sigh. "He got hurt recently and I really wanted that bastard to relax for just one week. But nooo. He still goes out there. When I find him..."

"Okay so good luck on that!" Wade said cheerfully. "I'm gonna go... return this phone."

There was a short pause. Probably for Foggy to roll his eyes. "Sure."

The man hung up the phone not letting Wade to even say goodbye. Rude.

[Good news! Matt won't murder us because he'll be murdered himself by Foggy]

(Our lord and savior Foggy)

Wade snorted. Who knew being Daredevil would be so much fun? He has to use this opportunity as much as he can!

Just what to do... What to do...

Chapter Text

Matt began to understand why Peter loves swinging so much.

His already way too receptive senses were even more reactive. But it wasn't overwhelming or unpleasant. It was an indescribable feeling. A mix of adrenaline, fear and childish joy all at once. If there was one word which could describe the experience it would probably be... freedom.

But enough of the poetic nonsense. He has the role of the friendly neighborhood Spider-man to fill.

A cry of a boy reached Matt's ears. He focused on it more by pushing out all the other distracting noises. The boy was crying because his cat was stuck in the tree.

Normally, Matt wouldn't involve himself in these kinds of situations because neither the boy nor the cat was actually in danger. Someone else could probably easily help them while he fights the actual bad guys.

But saving cats from trees sounds like a very Spidey thing to do and Matt is wearing his suit right now. So, he dropped down next to the boy, trying to not look stiff or threatening.

"You need help?" He addressed the boy. Spider-man would probably make some cat pun but Matt is not dropping that low.

The boy looked at him with awe and adoration, his heart pounding in his chest excitedly. Not a reaction Matt got usually, that's for sure.

"My- My cat. She's stuck." He stuttered.

Matt nodded and started climbing up the nearest tree, searching for the cat's pulse.

He hated climbing up trees. No matter how good his senses were he still got plenty of branches hitting him in the face or jabbing his arms and legs. Just an uncomfortable experience, over all.

"Mister Spider-man?" The boy from the ground slowly asked.

"Yeah?" Matt climbed even more up. Jeez this cat was far.

"Coco is not in that tree."

"Oh."

Great. His blind ass shouldn't have climbed the first tree he came across. At least the embarrassment technically was on Spidey, not him.

A faint meow came from his left.

"Yeah uh I knew that." Matt started to move towards the sound.

He reached the furthest to the left branch of the tree and jumped to the other one, making the actual tree with the cat shake from his weight. The boy squealed from the surprise, he probably watched his every move so no pressure or anything.

Matt found the cat quickly; her heat was very distinguishing between the branches and leaves. He carefully scooped her up and lowered himself from the tree.

The boy immediately ran up to him and took his cat - Coco, as he said before - from Matt's hands.

"Thank you so much, Spidey!" From the way Coco meowed in an annoyed tone, Matt could guess that the boy was protectively snuggling her against his chest.

Matt smiled. "Yeah, always glad to help."

Helping this boy with his cat was really easy for him but for some reason he felt warmer and fuzzier inside than then stopping a robbery or a mugging (those usually just made him sadder and disappointed in humanity). Maybe that's why Peter is so fond on helping everyone he sees with simple things. That's probably why he's more popular too.

With those thoughts in his head, Matt was off swinging again.

Every time he felt someone was taking a picture of him he made sure to show them the middle finger. Not because he cared about the pictures or was mad or something. But because Matt knew those photos would find Jameson and he would write some ridiculous article about it. And Peter would totally hate it, complaining about it the whole day. Matt snorted at the thought. It's the simple things in life, you know?

He could hear people shouting things to him and gossiping with their friends as he swung forward. It was weird. But not useless. Someone yelled about some fire fumes in the distance and that was all Matt needed to hear.

He arrived before the fire station did and ran straight into the building. Matt took a deep breath in and out.

In... and out...

There were four people inside. One person stuck in the kitchen, two - in the living area and one person was somewhere on the second floor.

The fire seemed the worst in the kitchen - that's probably where it started - so Matt decided to get the person in there first.

As he moved through the house, a wave of hot air hit his face. Fire and his senses didn't mix well, but if Matt just kept calm, he could hear the middle-aged man's fast heartbeat.

The man in the kitchen probably noticed Matt and called out. "Help! Over here!" He barely got the words out before coughing. There were way too many fumes in the room.

Matt tried not to think about the fire and went straight to the man, who was sitting on the floor, coughing unstoppably. Unfortunately, Matt didn't have Spider-man's strength but that didn't stop him before and it won't now. He grabbed the man's arm and put it around his neck, pulling him from the ground. The man complied and tried to walk on his own but his body kept shaking from coughing. Matt knew he couldn't do anything but get him out of the house as quickly as possible. So, he did.

As soon as the man fell on his knees on the grass, he grabbed Matt's elbow. "My family... You have to help them. Please." He breathed out.

Matt carefully pulled away the man's hand. "I will. Just stay here and wait for the ambulance, okay?" He patted his back. That's what you do to comfort someone, right?

Matt took the man's silence as an agreement and without saying anything else ran back into the house. It was even worse now. The flames and heat were everywhere. How did a simple kitchen fire escalated into this?

Matt ignored the pain and his tightening chest, probably wanting some fresh air, and moved forward. He could hear wood creaking above him. Shit, this place is falling apart. Matt quickened his pace, now knowing he had even less time.

Luckily the woman and a little boy didn't sound like they were in a really bad condition as the dad. The mom was holding her son close to her, crying. They were scared. Just so scared.

Matt extended his hand. "Don't worry, it's not as bad as it looks."

Matt had no idea how it looked but it probably looked bad. And it was bad. But who wants to hear that? And they were very clearly scared to move even an inch from their corner. A bad strategy during a fire.

When no one responded, Matt called out again. "I can get you out safely. I promise."

After a moment, the woman took his hand, her son in her arms. Matt was actually glad he was in Spider-man's costume. People tended to trust him much more.

They all started to move towards the door. Matt could hear sirens in the distance. These people will get help soon. Everything is going to be alright.

Some part of the ceiling fell down behind them and the woman yelped while the boy started to cry. Matt pulled them to himself and pushed them forward.

As soon as they reached the door, Matt helped them exit safely and looked back at the house. He didn't have time to waste, the house was unstable. And someone was still on the second floor.

Matt started climbing up the stairs, panting. It was getting hard to breathe. To think. To hear or to even feel. But it didn't matter how he felt if someone was stuck there, all alone.

A big flame touched his leg and Matt hissed from the burn. Spidey's costume sucked. At least Matt's leather had some protection.

His senses were going haywire. He'll have to shout.

"Where are you?" Matt's voice was hoarse and scratchy.

For a moment - that was a scary moment - Matt thought that they didn't hear him, or even worse - were unconscious. But someone shouted back. It was a voice of a young girl, maybe 8 or 10 years old.

Matt started to run. The fire didn't matter. The pain didn't matter. His lungs didn't matter.

All Matt could feel was heat so he was thankful the girl kept yelling. No. She was whispering now.

He grabbed the girl in his arms, searching for exist. But going the way he came wasn't an option anymore. Window it is.

"Just don't be scared, alright?" Matt whispered as he webbed up a rope. "I'm not going to let go."

The girl buried her head in his chest, probably not wanting to see the jump.

Matt carefully jumped down with rope's help (it was just the second floor, Matt jumped down from much worse) and gave the girl to the crying father.

The fire station and the ambulance were already here. Matt helped them. Everyone was safe.

Matt sat down on the grass and pulled up the mask above his nose so he could finally breathe.

In... and out...

The house was falling apart, just so much creaking and thumping.

In... and out...

How did the fire spread out to the second floor that fast? It should have burned for hours for that to happen.

In... and out...

The kitchen... it wasn't where it started.

In... and out...

So when how...

Matt jumped up from his spot. Some people wanted to talk to him but he ran past them.

This wasn't an accident. Someone set this house on fire. Someone burned down this family's home.

Matt shot out a web to the nearest roof, his senses starting to recover. Luckily, he knew what to search for.

In all the rooms there was a faint smell of gasoline. Matt was too busy with helping the family, to pay attention it.

But it was not too late.

Matt found him quickly, the smell of gasoline and fumes on the arsonist's clothes was unmistakable.

Matt followed him from the roofs, waiting for a moment to strike. That moment happened when the arsonist made a mistake - he stopped at the alley to call someone.

But as soon as he fished out his phone Matt jumped off the roof, pinning him to the ground. The arsonist struggled a bit before pulling out a knife from his pocket and stabbing Matt in his thigh. The surprise made Matt loosen his grip and the criminal stood up, grinning.

"I had the feeling you would show up. Always the hero, aren't you?"

He was feeling proud of himself. Proud for hurting that family.

Matt clenched his fist before jumping on the man. They started to spar, Matt fueled by anger and the arsonist - by his adrenaline.

"Really, Spidey? No jokes? No quips? I'll be honest, I'm disappointed." The arsonist breathed out but his form was weak.

Matt didn't reply. He just kept hitting and kicking and pulling and- The arsonist fell to the ground, panting.

"You..." He hissed in pain when he tried to stand up. "Why are you..."

It didn't matter what the arsonist was going to say. He passed out on the ground.

And only then Matt let himself reply. "You should have run when you stabbed me, genius."

Matt waited until the police got there, talked with a few cops, bandaged up his thigh and was in the air swinging once again. He let that feeling of flying through the air wash out all the stress and anger. Matt smiled to himself, some kind of peacefulness finding him.

Unfortunately, the smile didn't last long. A crowd of people were loudly chanting something. Matt tilted his head and listened.

"DAREDEVIL! DAREDEVIL!"

Matt cursed under his breath before changing his direction mid swing to go follow the chanting.

He's going to murder Wade.

Chapter Text

Peter was walking down the street, humming some tune which was stuck in his head all day. At first, he thought he'll have to walk through alleys and try to avoid people but no one seemed to pay any attention to him. An armed Deadpool walking through the street didn't seem to surprise nor scare anyone.

How does Spider-man get more shouting than Deadpool? That is so unfair.

The phone Wade gave him buzzed with a new message. Peter didn't really need to guess from who it was since it only had one contact.

He stopped mid-walk and read it.

U alive?

According to Wade, Weasel was a 'shitty bartender who finds me jobs'. Well, that wasn't all he said. Wade managed to talk about how Weasel sucks for ten straight minutes. And when Peter thought Wade was done, he added the 'oh he's a tech genius and a hacker and shit but no one cares about that. What people care about is that he can't make fucking fruit cocktails!' And then Peter had to suffer through a fruit cocktail rant. Being Wade's friend was exhausting.

Wade, of course, didn't say anything useful, like how to talk to Weasel and what to expect. So, it was Wade's own fault, when Peter replied.

Hey, dear. How are you?

What? Peter is petty sometimes.

Stop fucking around you up for a job or not?

Wait, now that Peter thinks about it, being weird and inappropriate is like 80 percent of Wade. Sigh...

Sure, what is it?

Some woman’s exhusband needs some reminding to stop sticking his nose in her business

Does he mean... threatening? Shit. Is it the 'last warning' kind of threat or 'I'm beating you up' kind of threat?

What exactly do you want me to do?

Well I would want for you to stop drawing dicks on my counter but if youre talking about the woman who paid five grand for this btw then she probably wants for you to threaten to murder that asshole if he doesn't leave her alone

I don't do murder

Yeah yeah youre a fucking superhero now and I didn't say anything about murder

I said threaten

To murder

You can threaten to fuck him I don't care

You taking this or not?

Peter's first thought was definitely not. But after a minute of staring at the phone screen, Peter realized 3 things.

1. This guy seemed to be stalking his ex-wife and if she came to the decision to pay five thousand dollars for him to leave her alone, she probably tried everything else.
2. Threatening is not really wrong in this situation. Probably. He'll have to ask Matt later.
3. Five. Thousand. Dollars. That is so much. Just... so much...

Okay maybe Peter was thinking for longer than one minute. But he made his decision.

Yes, is there anything else I should know about before I go there?

Just that he follows her everywhere, she had to move four times because of him, he also attacked all her boyfriends and he's over all a dickhead

If Peter wasn't sure before, he was now.

I'm sure we'll have a nice chat

Weasel sent the address of the man and Peter was on his way. Of course, he couldn't end their conversation that simply.

You're the best, man. I love you

?

Fuck off

That was for all the times Wade annoyed the crap out of him. Or made fun of him. Or talked about his ass. Or stole his camera to make Christmas postcards. Or woke him up at 5 am for no reason. Or bought that awful I ♡ Spider-man shirt. Or drew doodles in his notebook. Honestly, the list is long. Too long.

Still, part of him wanted to call Wade for threat tips (that whole sentence is concerning) but he's probably not going to like any of them. So, he'll improvise. Can't be too hard, can it? *insert a dick joke* (Wade probably has a list of them somewhere, he can't come up with them that fast)

Founding the apartment didn't take long. The whole building screamed 'awful men live here'. And sure, Peter lived in a very similar place but he was just broke.

This guy supposedly lived on the third floor, 7th apartment. The elevator was broken so Peter took the stairs, his legs shaking a little. He shouldn't be the one scared! That man should be scared!

Peter walked up to his door and froze. Should he... knock? Shout? Break down the door?

Probably knock. Yeah that sounds normal. But wait. He's Deadpool right now. Deadpool doesn't do normal. Or maybe he does in these kinds of situations. Does he do this often? Peter always imagined his mission being catching some fugitives or something. Maybe he's thinking more of a SHIELD agent... But Wade sometimes works with SHIELD. And with this Weasel guy, apparently. Is that his real name? God that would be unfortunate.

Peter let out a quiet groan. What is he even thinking? Wade wouldn't think. He would just do.

Peter knocked on the door with maybe a little too much force.

He knocked again.

He was about to knock for the third time, when someone opened the door. The first thing Peter noticed about the man in front him was the stain on his white tank top. Then, his dead looking eyes and an uneven stubble. It looked like at one point he decided to trim it and then gave up.

The man took a sip of the beer can. "Who the fuck are you?"

Wade would probably take a big offence to that.

"Deadpool." Peter replied simply.

Wade would take offence to this reply too. He would say as much AKAs as he could possibly think of.

The response made the man widen his eyes a little, though they still looked... unlively. "You're... Deadpool? I swear I don't want to get myself in any of your leather business." He began to close the door but Peter stopped it with his hand.

"What's your name?" Peter asked as he held his hand on the door, in case he decided he wanted to try to close it again.

The man blinked. "Robert."

"Listen, Robert, you have to leave your ex-wife alone."

The man, Robert, fell silent. Huh, maybe that's all it takes. He just needed for someone to tell him his wrongs-

"Who do you think you are?" Robert clenched his beer can, glaring at Peter with rage. "You can't tell me what to fucking do!"

This was probably the part where Peter is supposed to threaten him.

"Uh... Can we go inside?"

"What?" Robert sounded pissed off. Great.

"Inside." Peter gestured into the apartment. "Yelling in the corridor is really disrespectful to your neighbors."

Rob dropped his beer can on the ground and pointed at Peter. "You think you're funny, huh? GET. OUT." He shouted which didn't he hear the respectful to your neighbors comment?

Peter rolled his eyes and pushed the man inside, following him. And he might have used a bit of his spider strength but he's getting a bit pissed off too.

"Okay, Rob." Peter stood up straight, trying to look like an imitating mercenary and not an awkward Peter Parker. "So, here's the deal. Your ex-wife really doesn't want you around and payed me to tell you to fuck off. And I really hope you will not make a big deal out of this and decide to go to therapy or something."

Yeah, Robert didn't seem that fond of the idea. That was probably why he looked like he's about to lose his shit. Though Peter isn't sure if Rob was about to cry or hit him.

Probably the latter one.

Robert clenched his teeth. "Get out of my home."

Is he blind? Peter is literally wearing two katanas on his back! This guy has no idea how lucky he is Wade isn't actually here. He would have probably cut off his fingers by now.

"You do realize I wasn't paid just to tell you the message, right?"

"What- What do you mean?" Robert, who looked like he was ready to throw hands just a second ago, was staring at Peter like a kid who lost their mom in the grocery store.

Oh, so he's just stupid. That's great. Amazing even. Now Peter will have to explain mercenaries to him. Juuuust great.

"Dude," Peter rubbed the bridge of his nose through the mask. "I was sent here as a warning, you know? Like if you don't leave her alone... I'll come back."

Peter definitely won't. But Wade might. And that should be scary.

Robert gaped. "To... kill me?" He almost whispered. His anger was quickly forgotten by the sudden realization that his life might be in danger.

Wow, he seemed already scared. Maybe Peter is doing a good job.

"...Yup." Peter rubbed the back of his neck, accidently hitting one of the katana handles, and Rob's eyes widened.

Peter started to feel really dirty all of the sudden. Sure, this guy sucked but still. He wanted to get out of here as fast as he could.

But first, he has to make sure that woman will be able to feel safe again.

"So, we reached an understanding? You'll go find hobbies or something?"

Robert stared.

Peter stared back.

"Yeah, okay, just go."

But Peter didn't move just yet. Yeah yeah he just thought about how he wants to leave as fast as possible. But if he leaves and this man will continue to hurt that woman, all of this will be for nothing. Peter will fail.

So, Peter took a big breath, channeled his inner Deadpool and stepped closer to Robert, their faces only inches apart.

"Don't think you can deceive me, Rob. My people will be watching you and if you'll be even in the same building as her, they'll call me. And you don't want that. You understand, right Robert?"

None of that was true but Robert seemed to believe him.

He nodded. "I understand, I swear." His voice was shaking a little, his hands as well.

Peter patted his arm. "Awesome. Let's hope we don't see each other again."

Peter backed away from the wide-eyed man and walked through the door into the corridor. He closed the door without looking back at him. Probably because part of Peter didn't want to believe that he did that. Wade is probably not going to believe him. Or maybe he will and call this his 'dark arc' or something.

Either way, he did the job. Peter really believed Robert won't dare to stalk that woman again.

Peter exited the building with a quick pace and turned to the nearest alley. There, he sat down against the wall.

Wait, is he supposed to text Weasel when he finished the job? Is that appropriate? Wade really could have speared two minutes of his cocktail rant to explain how mercenaries operate.

After debating the idea for a few minutes, Peter decided to text Weasel.

I think the guy is scared enough to not mess with her anymore

Weasel didn't reply immediately. Peter had to wait for fifteen minutes, during which he debated his whole moral code, before he got a simple text.

I sent you your part

Peter sighed. Money would be really nice. He'll make Wade buy him the most expensive dinner for this.

Thanks

So

Anything new in your life?

Aaand he was left on seen. Great.

Peter put the phone in one of the pouches (apparently they were more organized than he thought) and stepped out of the alley.

He was about to turn right but something caught his attention.

Two women, not too far from Peter, were gossiping and giggling about something. And hey, Peter is not a creepy-stalker-Robert but if you hear a familiar name you always perk up, right?

"I always had the feeling Daredevil was a party guy." The blonde woman stated to her friend.

"No, you didn't." The second woman with bright green hair rolled her eyes affectionally.

If Peter heard this any other day, he would think a cosplayer went rogue but unfortunately Wade was in that costume and he clearly decided to have some fun with it.

Peter ran up to the women. "Hi, excuse me, I just couldn't help but overhear-"

The blonde one screeched, cutting off Peter, while her friend stared at him in shock.

Oh yeah. Peter forgot he was still wearing Deadpool's suit.

He put his hands in the air to calm them down. "It's alright, don't worry. I just wanted to talk."

The women continued to stare. Jeez were they even blinking?

Peter cleared his throat. "Uh I didn't mean to scare you. I just overheard you talking about Daredevil and, uh, what's that about?"

The lady with the green hair swallowed. "It's all over Twitter." She pulled out her phone and showed it to Peter.

In there, he could see Daredevil shouting something while loud music was playing in the background. There was a big crowd around him, all of them trying to get Daredevil's attention. But he just kept dancing, doing moves and gestures which didn't really fit the song or the rhythm. Into his dance moves he also included spins and kicks and 'ninja moves'. Basically, he was putting on a show.

And the worst thing was, Peter was absolutely sure that Wade was not drunk.

Peter gaped. "Well that's... something."

"I know, right?" The blonde woman got over her fear. "It's like everything we knew about Daredevil was wrong!" She was smiling in that way a fan does after finding out a new detail about their celebrity crush.

Peter laughed awkwardly. "Well I mean this doesn't have to mean anything and you should probably not come to any sudden conclusions and I think I should go now to see how he's doing." He quickly said as he was backing away. "Bye! Thanks for your help!"

Peter started to run to the park he saw Wade in. Ugh he missed swinging. It would be so much quicker.

When Peter got there, he was panting and sweating, the leather was keeping so much heat in. But his troubles were forgotten when he saw a huge crowd of people.

In the middle of it, Spider-man was yelling at a webbed-up Daredevil.

Chapter Text

This was probably the moment those consequences caught up.

Wade's legs were webbed to the ground but his arms were free. Which is why he was doing crazy hand gestures while yelling. "You never said I couldn't have fun!"

"We both know having a party in the middle of a public park was definitely a thing YOU SHOULD'T DO!" Matt basically growled at him.

"You should be thankful, people will like you more now."

"I DIDN'T NEED FOR THEM TO LIKE ME!"

"Sometimes we don't know what we need-"

"I NEED you in a coffin with a knife through your heart!"

"Guys, maybe don't do this here." Peter finally broke through the crowd of people to reach them.

Matt groaned and started to pace around.

Peter stared at him, a bit concerned. Not just because Spider-man beating up Daredevil would be a PR nightmare but also because.... Okay, he lied. It's totally because of the Spider-man thing. What? He doesn't need an article about how he murdered Daredevil.

Wade did a small wave in Peter's direction. Peter just sighed and waved back. This was ridiculous.

"We should go." Peter said slowly while gesturing to the filming people with his head. Reporters were probably already on their way if they weren't here already.

Matt finally stopped pacing. He stepped up closer to Peter and whispered. "Free the dumbass while I'll try to scatter the crowd."

Peter nodded.

Matt walked forward to address the crowd. "Okay people, the show is over. Daredevil was possessed by an evil wizard and was going crazy. But good thing I was here and saved him. He should be fine now and back to normal in no time."

While Matt continued his bizarre speech, Peter pulled out one of the katanas and sliced the webs.

Wade swooned. "Oh my knight in shining armor, you came to safe me."

Peter ignored him and pulled him to his feet. Matt was still talking and even though no one went home, at least they weren't filming anymore. Just staring at him, confused.

Matt sighed and walked back to Peter and Wade. He grabbed Wade's elbow harshly and started to pull him in the opposite direction of the crowd. Peter followed him not far behind.

They had to walk for twenty minutes before they were finally alone, no people following or shouting at them anymore.

Matt pushed Wade into an abandoned building. "Are you out of your fucking mind, Wade?"

"Actually-"

"No." Matt pulled off the Spider-man mask and glared at him. "You should stop talking if you want to still have your limbs after this.

Wade did the zipping your mouth gesture.

Matt clenched his fists. "I fucking hate you. How did I even agree to this?"

"It looked like a fun idea..." Peter tried to help.

He earned a glare too.

"This was a horrible idea! We all knew from the start we're going to pull some bullshit on each other's secret identities! This is just so-- ugh!"

Matt let out a breath, trying to calm down. "Did you at least stop those drug traffickers?" He asked Wade.

"Yeah, their leader looked like a vampire but he wasn't, so that was boring."

Peter shivered. "You don't want to fight real vampires, Wade."

"Oh, and Foggy also called. Something about how you're supposed to rest." Wade added casually.

Matt groaned. "Fucking hell."

As if this day couldn't have been worse. Not only there will be footage of Daredevil twerking on the internet, Foggy is also going to murder him. And he's going to see the videos... Maybe he should just not go home. Flee the country. Change his name. Become a farmer or something...

Peter patted his back. "He would have found out anyways after the dancing party Wade pulled."

That made Matt glare at Wade once again.

"Dude!" Wade said unhappily. "Don't remind him of that!"

Peter laughed.

"You did that on purpose. Shithead." Wade murmured.

Which made Peter laugh even more. But he stopped himself to look seriously at Matt. "Though Foggy might be right. Unless that bandage around your thigh is a fashion choice."

Matt groaned without replying to Peter. This was not the time to debate his life choices.

He sat down on the floor against the wall. No point on murdering Wade, anyway. That bastard will just come back and continue to be a pain in his ass.

Wade pulled off the cowl and sat down on Matt's left side, still keeping a little distance in case Matt changes his mind about the killing thing. Peter copied them both and pulled off the Deadpool mask as well, sitting down on Matt's right side.

"So," Peter started. "You did anything fun as Spider-man?" He tried to distract Matt.

"Saved a cat stuck in a tree."

Wade clapped excitedly. "Oooh was it a cute kitty?"

Matt gave him a look.

"Oh, right."

"I also saved some people from a burning building and caught an arsonist." Matt added.

Peter smiled. "That's great! Also explains why the suit looks burned."

It really did look horrible. The only reason Peter didn't mention it before was the whole Wade-being-a-crazy-motherfucker thing.

Matt snorted and the three of them fell into silence.

"I threatened to murder a guy."

"What?" Matt raised his eyebrows.

Wade gasped. "No you didn't."

"I did." Peter grinned. Why is he feeling proud of this, again?"

Wade gasped even louder. "Wait, does this mean you approve of my mercenary’s ways now?"

"Definetly not."

Wade pouted. He was so close. So close to having a mercenary Spider-man. He bets the Deadpool in the mercenary Spider-man's universe is having the time of his life.

Matt snickered at his reaction. He finally didn't look like he was going to become a killer.

"And," Peter continued proudly. "I earned you five thousand dollars."

"That’s good, I guess."

"You guess?"

"It’s really not that much. Usually, I earn-"

"Don’t. Please don’t. I don’t want to know."

Wade laughed while promising to use his hard-earned money for good. And food. Mostly food.

The trio continued talking about their own adventures until 2 am. Over all, they all had fun, even if they all ended up in weird or uncomfortable situations.

Still, instead of a goodbye, Matt just declared, "We're never doing this again."

The other two men nodded in agreement.

"Never again."

***

[Bonus scene]

"Hey, Matt?" Peter looked up from his phone with a frown.

"Yeah?"

"Why is #MiddleFingerSpidey trending on Twitter?"

Matt smirked. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Maaatt." Peter whined.

"Maybe you should go get your eyes checked."

"Stooop."

"Do you need any recommendations?"

"Aaaaah." Peter put a pillow on his face and groaned.

Matt laughed. "Don't be dramatic. At least there is no articles about you throwing a dance party."

"That does sound bad. I'm surprised you didn't take revenge on Wade yet."

Matt smirked in a mysterious way. "Who says I didn't?"

Somewhere far far away in Wade's favorite Mexican place.

"What do you mean you're closing?!" Wade screeched.

The owner shrugged sadly. "Yeah, someone sued us for breaking the health code."

"But you've been breaking the health code for years!" Wade throwed his arms in the air.

"Yeah... We always just bribed the inspectors. But some lawyer found out and we're toast, man."

Wade blinked. "Some lawyer... Fuck."