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My friends and I like to delude ourselves. As KPOP, Anime, and Movie fans there is no shortage of green flag, understanding, attractive, intelligent, amazing, “perfect” men to pine for. No shortage of men to heighten our expectations for our future relationships. Though, they may have set the standard too high. Eight to five AM talks, filled with creating headcanons and what-if scenarios for each other.
“I know, I know! For Gwen, she likes the nonchalant type. You know? The “why did you do this for me? Because I love you? Why wouldn’t I?”
Gwen screams. Her voice scratchy, “Oh my fucking god, you are right. Shit, you all read me so well!”
“Or like he’ll do the most romantic shit for you, but he doesn’t think much of it. He just does it. He remembers the exact dress you pointed at Zara last week, buys it for you and then he’s surprised why you are so touched because, for him, it’s whatever. He just wants to do it. Nonchalantly.”
A pause. Silence. Gwen jaw drops.
“Uh, Gwen, are you frozen?”
In disbelief, she replies, “No. That’s just my dream fucking man!”
Everyone laughs. We continue sharing our dreams and stories with each other, through a screen, as the night goes on.
In an all-girl school, the chances of seeing a guy are few and in-between. To talk to a guy our age that’s acceptable? Zero to none. Coupled with the fact that the pandemic has taken away, well, all human interaction, is it bad that we are attention, touch, and socially deprived? Also, we are in our youth, isn’t it the time to make mistakes?
“So, Rina, do you have a boyfriend?”
“Have you forgotten I’m looking for a girlfriend?”
“Fuck! Sorry! I forgot sorry!”
Rina exits the frame laughing. I throw my head back, stomach hurting. While Gwen and Lib slap their hands on their respective tables. It seems Scarlet forgot Rina doesn’t swing that way, the straight way.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Anyway, there is no one, seriously. Desert dry. And if I did, I don’t know if I would tell all of you immediately.”
Cries of “What? Why? How dare you? Are you even our friend?” are all I here.
“Shut up, listen please!” Rina pleads, it’s all just playful banter.
“Okay, we’ll give you a chance.”
“Because all of you are so judgemental.”
Silence. Offended eyes bore into Rina’s.
“Babes, you know we just want the best for you right?” I bat my eyelashes menacingly.
“At least give my future girlfriend a chance!” The call erupts with giggles.
“In all seriousness, we’ll try to like her, but of course, we want you to be happy and to be treated as you should!” Gwen says, she was always the more calm in the group.
“I know. Anyway, how about you, Talia? Do you have a boyfriend?” My stomach drops.
Hopefully, my voice doesn’t come out shaky, I think, “Of course not. I wish I had though.”
“Not even someone you are talking to, a random person who caught your eye?”
I sigh, selling it. “Nah.”
It was a half-lie. I really didn’t have a boyfriend. But did someone catch my eye? For the first time ever, actually? Yeah.
It started in a coffee shop, as most good things go. By the time I got there, almost every table was full. Only the high tables and chairs were available. I order, rush to the chair nearest to the outlet, and start my homework. I had mountains of work to do, and I was sweaty and stressed. It was finals week. It was also Christmas season, so all of my organizations had projects lined up. Concerts, Fundraisers, and a Treasure Hunting event? Internally, I curse myself for signing up to four fucking orgs!
Alternating my right hand between sipping my coffee and moving my mouse, I get to work. It’s a blur of texting groupmates, proofreading essays, organizing files, and finally, turning in assignments. As the minutes pass by, I submit two assignments. I feel like I can breathe again.
I take a break, downing my sandwich while listening to the latest Fiona Apple album. I can never eat while studying. While doing so, I dart my eyes around the cafe, it’s packed. Mostly students with their earphones on, typing away. There was a kid making noise by the back, no doubt caused by the sugar rush of their donut. Beside me, a tall guy does the same as everyone, types away. He has light brown eyes, uncommon, in this country. Long, veiny, fingers and his forehead is scrunched up in concentration. Plus he smells good, I sniff subtly, is that Sandalwood?
“Is my typing bothering you?” A deep voice calls. I dart my eyes up. It’s stranger boy.
“Oh! Sorry, no. I was just, um, looking around.” I sheepishly reply, I did not expect to get caught.
His eyes assess me. “Taking a break?” “Is it that obvious?” I blurt out. I hate people who ask obvious questions, thankfully, he takes it well.
“Just trying to make conversation, you were so focused earlier, I was worried for your keyboard.”
I smile, “It can take it. It’s a strong one.”
“What school are you from?”
“The one beside yours.”
“Ah. We have a lot in common, then.” “Oh, really?”
He was right. The conversation went on for hours and did we get anything done? Not much. His name is Seokmin. My age, tall, intelligent, and likes to play golf. He lives in the condominium next to the grocery, and that’s when I realized… damn, we might not work. Not that, it’s anything other than two strangers talking once in a cafe, I’m getting ahead of myself. Charles and I really bonded over music, he actually likes Taylor Swift. I tested him, and he’s not joking. He seems open-minded, is more of a listener, and has a family cat. That sold me. And also the smile crinkles in his eyes.
We are both quite blunt, looking at each other in the eye, not holding back really, though we were suppressing our giggles, trying not to choke on our food by sunset. I didn’t want to go, but it was getting so late, I was about to miss the last train of the day.
“Well. As much as I hate to cut this short, I gotta go. I’m gonna miss the train.”
“What if I drive you home?”
“Seokmin, we just met. What if you are a serial killer?”
“Now I am offended!”
“You are a dude! Sorry, actually no!”
He puts his hand up in a surrender stance. “I swear I’m not but I get you. Um, are you coming here tomorrow?”
“Depends, are you meeting me here?”
He looks shocked. I smirk, “Tomorrow at 3? Can you make it?”
He smiles, lovely, teeth showing. “I’ll be here 2:50.”
And he was. The entire day, I am shameful to admit; I was looking at the clock, shaking my thigh drumming my fingers, thinking of a boy I met the day earlier and his pretty smile. We didn’t exchange numbers, of course, better to be safe, which made it worse, I think. What if I go there and look like a fool? What if I look like shit? So many what-ifs over making a new, friend. By the time I got to the cafe, hair ruined and forehead covered in sweat, he was just there sitting, relaxed, staring at me with that cocky smile, sipping his coffee.
And that happened again and again and again. That cafe became our spot. We actually did get things done, sometimes. After a while we got bored of our routine so he would take me to a nearby park or field and we would just walk. Once, we got an early dinner at a restaurant nearby; it was casual, though according to him, he considered it our first date. We were both not dressed for the occasion, us in our school uniforms and the adults in their fine suits and dresses. We compared the differences all night long. He slipped his card silently to the waiters while I was in the bathroom, then whisked me away to the train station. My last memory of the day is of his lovely face waving by the distance.
Seokmin was nice. Of course, I didn’t expect too much. I learned if you don’t expect much from people, you won’t get disappointed hard in the end. So, there was always a bit of arms distance between us. Seok and I were similar, we don’t need to update people often; we hate texting, yet we can talk for hours at a time. Both have similar mindsets when it comes to life, living for pleasure. Though I can’t cook for shit, and he’s a full-blown chef.
I remember the first day he invited me to his condo. It was huge and pristine, and so high up, it solidified the fact that “I can never be with him, he is out of my league.” We just studied and ate that day, I recall. He cooked me pasta while I sat on the kitchen island, blurting the recipe to him. Also while I stared at his toned back. His gym days pay off.
“Talia, can you taste if this pasta is done?”
“Seok, you know-” “I know, but you should at least learn how to decipher this.”
I jump off the island and open my mouth as he feeds the pasta to me.
It was hot, creamy, and so delicious. I keep looking at him, licking my lips, “Mmmh! It’s so good.”
He averts his stare. Stuttering, “O-okay, Dinner is served.”
We eat in silence, fingers tapping away, ever the busy bees. I feel him glance at me from time to time, and he knows the last train is about to leave, but he doesn’t remind, and I show no signs of packing up. To be honest, I forgot the time. Being with Seok is like a time trap, entrapped in a haze of bliss.
“Ah shit! I have 30 mins, I hope the train is still there.”
“Um, you could-” “I gotta pack, sorry for overstaying.”
“Talia, I mean if you-” “My mom is gonna kill me.”
“Talia!” Seok raises his voice. I turn around, curious.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. What is it?”
He takes a deep breath, “You can stay the night. I’ll take the couch.”
I jolt my head back, surprised. Searching his face, eyes determined yet soft, he is serious. Of course, I wanted to stay. To be in an apartment with a cute and cuddly boy? Did I just say cuddly? But I don’t want to be a nuisance.
Lowering my head, “I mean, if you’ll have me, I would love to-”
“Yes, I would!” He cuts my reply.
“I’m taking the couch.” “No.”
“You are doing too much!” “No!”
“I am sleeping on the floor.” “Are you dumb?”
“I’m taking the couch” I repeat, eyes glaring into him.
He sighs, hand running through his hair. It falls in perfect waves, framing his face. Distracting. “For the last time. No.”
“Okay then, sleep beside me.” He pauses. I feel him searching my face if I’m serious too. I didn’t intend for my true, honest, intentions to come out.
He stammers, “U-um. Sure.”
My face turns hot, and I turn away.
“I don’t have pajamas or toiletries.” “You can use my clothes.”
Seokmin says, standing up abruptly, clearing the plates away. “But-”
There was no use in arguing. He hands me his shirt, worn out and soft, smelling like him. I enter his room, after organizing my things. White, bright, and surprisingly clean, filled with photographs of maps and train tracks hanging above his bed. On his bedside tables lay small lego sets of cars and spaceships. And on his desk, books on computer science and engineering. Smart and clean, damn.
“You like it?” He calls from his bathroom.
“It’s very you, you like lego?” “Since I was young, it’s therapeutic.”
“We should build a set together sometime.” He beams, “I would love that.”
We get to bed, with a considerable distance between us. We’re on our phones, scrolling away. He sets his down first. Rolling over to look at me.
“I’m a bed hogger, um, sometimes I wake up on the other side of the bed, so just a heads up.”
“That’s fine. Thank you for letting me stay the night.” “Always. I’ll set my alarm for 6 AM okay?”
“Okay. Yeah. I’ll make breakfast?”
“We both know you will just buy a sandwich from the store downstairs, I’ll cook, you clean?”
I laugh, “ You know me too well, sure.”
He turns off the lamp. Submerged in darkness, I am hyper-aware of his warmth, and the distance between us. My heart starts pounding, my mind just now realizing that I am on a soft bed, with a boy. A boy with an easy smile and comfortable presence, whom I wouldn’t mind waking up with every day.
“I know we are just friends, and this might make you uncomfortable, but is it okay if I hug you?”
I smirk, “Aww, someone wants to cuddle?”
“Never mind.” I can sense the pout from here.
“Okay, you are always welcome to hug me by the way.”
And if we cuddle while listening to the soft sound of people and honks outside, no one will know. And if he talks about his schedule tomorrow and absentmindedly says he’ll drop and pick me up, no one should know. And if I enjoy how his chest is strong and broad on my cheek, he probably knows. And if he tangles our legs in each other to get impossibly closer, I know. And if we share a few chaste kisses and a few less chaste, don’t tell anyone.
In the midst of all this, my friends and I are still delusional. We still pine and dream. Yet whenever they ask me jokingly if I have a boyfriend, I jokingly reply I wish I had. Not a joke, really. Seokmin and I are just friends. Moreover, we are each other’s secrets. We often talk about how no one knows about us, what we are. No, we haven’t defined it. No, we don’t feel the rush to do so. We have talked about being exclusive, and we are. No labels though.
More months go by, and I fall deeper for him every day. Cheesy, I know. Most afternoons I spend at his apartment. He even gave me a key to it, which made me feel important to him. Some days he has group projects or he and his friends play sports, so I order his favorite iced coffee before he gets home. Some days he holds me while I cry because of stress. He doesn’t say anything, he knows he doesn’t need to. He is just, there. When it’s raining, I cook ramen, and he goes on and on about how I am a great cook. He insists on opening doors for me, and for me to pick out his clothes every morning. I oblige. I always shower him with praises and gratitude, as he never gives any to himself. He ties my shoes without me asking and I style his hair whenever we go out. Sometimes we have dance parties, I dance like a fool; he dances surprisingly well, but we meld together seamlessly. I don’t feel the need to pretend around him, and him me. I can just be. And that’s a rare feeling.
“Shall we go to a cafe after class tomorrow?” Lib asks, offhandedly while we hold a study call. Of course, no one was studying at this point. Gossip and laughter overtaking our focus.
“I’m down.” “Sure!” “I haven’t seen y’all in so long!” Everyone’s voices blur again.
Shit. Wasn’t I supposed to meet with Seokmin? I haven’t seen him in a few days. It’s not a big deal, I’ll just say no.
“How about you, Talia? You are awfully quiet.” Lib notices.
“Do you have other plans?” Scarlet follows.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” Rina screams.
“I hate all of you. I’m free tomorrow. Is taking time to think bad?” I pout.
I feel Gwen’s eyes on me. Assessing, prodding, slowly. My phone lights up.
“Are you sure you don’t have any other plans? Maybe… plans with another person?”
She wouldn’t say anything, would she? I bit my lip, thinking.
“No I don’t. But, of course, you all are more important to me.”
“I’ll bite. I saw you with a guy last week at the Riles cafe.”
My heart stops. I glance at her through the call, and I’m caught.
“Okay, maybe I did.”
“SO I WAS RIGHT?!” Gwen can’t hide her face, jaw dropping.
“WHAT THE FUCKKKK!? Why didn’t you tell us?” She spams me.
“We REALLY WERE nothing until… you know, we spend a lot of time together so on and so forth.”
“Why didn’t you tell us??” I can hear her fingers push against her phone.
“I don’t know. We just didn’t? Like a mutual argument to just keep it a secret from everyone at first?”
I really was thinking hard. We never tried to hide it, we just never talked about it. Okay, I might have lied at some points but still.
“Gwen, your jaw is hanging. Flies are getting in. What happened?” Scarlet asks, giggling.
“Nothing, nothing. I just saw a picture of Sunghoon on my tl.” Gwen explains. A good save, I admit.
My eyebrows raise, smirking. “Gwen, are you sure?”
She snarks back, “Yes, some people just hide stuff from me.” Huffs.
We continue texting while the other girls talk about what they’re gonna do at the cafe tomorrow.
“Sorry. I was just excited. I don’t want to intrude too much but, if I may, how long has this been going on?”
“No labels but 2 months?”
“Talia… I’m happy for you. Are they any good?”
I think back to golden afternoons and honey eyes. “Yeah. He’s really good to me.”
Gwen has glanced at me every two fucking seconds ever since I walked into this cafe. Funnily enough, it’s the same cafe Seokmin and I frequent a couple of times a week. The ambiance is familiar; the food is overpriced, but the company makes up for it.
My friends and I can talk for hours, but this time, it was silent. We were all knees deep in finals week, so this cafe date was really a means to get the motivation to get shit done. Scarlet just downed her second iced coffee, Libby was reciting some speech outside, Rina was tearing up over her Math problem set while Gwen was Usain Bolt typing on her keyboard. She has an essay due in oh, twenty minutes?
As for me, I was busy preparing a script for one of my classes. I was almost done, editing out the fluff and chastising myself for always going over the word limit. A group of boys enter the cafe, loud and sweaty, a distraction. I raise my earphones’ volume a little louder, attempting to block them out. I feel my phone vibrate but I ignore it. After 3 persistent vibrations, I glance at my notifications.
“I’m here.”
“Look up.”
“Why are you ignoring me?”
“I miss you.”
“Am I being too clingy?”
I look up, and sure enough, there’s his gorgeous face. Hair matted on his forehead with his headphones on, a smile reaching to his eyes. He knows better not to wave, as I told him my friends will be here. It appears I glance at him for a second too long though, as across from me, Gwen also looks in his direction. I only notice once his eyes widen. I look at her quickly, then glance at the rest, thankfully they are too busy working. She nods her head to the side, lifting her eyebrow. “Later”, I mouth. “Please”
“She knows.”
“Don’t worry, she won’t tell.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you, I thought you were somebody else.”
“You’re cute when you’re like this.”
“I miss you too.”
“Come over?” He replies.
Two words that make me weak, whatever happened to the old me? Twin corners of my mouth move up, traitorous body, I think.
“If you’ll have me.”
“Always.”
After we’ve said our goodbyes, I walk to Seok’s condo. The guard and doorman say hello to me, I’ve been coming here frequently enough that they know who I am already. I observe the familiar characters of the building as we ride up the elevator. Seok’s condo is on one of the highest floors, so I huddle myself in the back. I get out, knock on his door, and like usual, he greets me with his tender smile.
A smile that never differed even after months of seeing it.
He cooks beef while I talk about my study date. I clean up the counters while he talks about the prank played on one of his friends. I scroll on Twitter while he does his ECON paper. It’s pleasant, it’s so warm. He extends his hand, inviting me to his bed, eyes shifting, fingers fidgeting. He wants to say something. He doesn’t know how.
“What is it?”
“Hmm?”
“You look like you want to tell me something.”
“Oh, um, well-” Averting his eyes, he scans his mirror, full of photobooth pictures we took.
“When are we gonna tell everyone?”
“About us?”
“Yes.”
“Anytime, really. You want I’ll text the groupchat right now?”
“Oh God! I mean yes, I mean no?” He stutters. Taken aback.
I laugh, “I mean, aside from not talking about you, we aren’t exactly hiding it. It’s just that your friends don’t go to your condo often.”
He hums, “Yeah. I just want to let you meet them. Not have to be cautious.”
“Then let’s not be.”
It turns out that we were kind of hiding our relationship. As after that conversation, only two days, a friend of Seok’s spotted us, Kwan.
Seok took me on a date after school, a picnic at one of our favorite parks. After filling our bellies with berries and strawberries and pringles, I was feeling light and drowsy. I took a nap right there, on his nap, the best pillow in the world.
Seok looks down at Talia, eyes fond. Petting her hair softly, wondering how he got so lucky. He holds a hand above her face, to block the sun a bit. He whispers confessions of love and happiness, Talia smiles. She’s probably asleep, but she also already knows how much he loves her. He watches the young kids play ball and fly kites against the city skyline, munching on some more berries. The sky clouded up a bit, his girlfriend on his lap, snoring softly, so cute. A perfect day.
A gasp from behind startles him, looking quickly, he realizes it's Kwan. Kwan’s eyes are out, clearly surprised. Seok beams. Come here, he beckons. But Kwan doesn’t to disturb the girl. He waves his hands. Is that his girlfriend? Oh My.
“Your girlfriend?” Kwan mouths silently.
Seok gives him a thumbs up.
“Since when dude?”
“4 months ago.”
Kwan had to bite his lip to avoid screaming in surprise. “Why didn’t you tell us??”
Seok shrugs, “Just because.”
Talia shifts a bit, eyes opening slightly.
Kwan notices, “I’ll go, and you WILL me everything later.” He points, menacingly.
“Okay, okay”. Seok shoos him away.
He lets out a breath. Damn. It’s out. It’s real. People know. And it feels, anticlimactic but right. Talia shifts on his lap. He pecks her lips again, then snuggles her closer.
How did my friends find out? Through a call, of course. I was at Seok’s wiping the countertops after dinner. He was in his room, packing for the next day. While wiping my phone rings. I peer to see the notification. Shit. It was my friends.
“Who’s calling you love?” Seok asks, coming out of the room.
“My friends. Video call.”
“Oh. Are you gonna answer it?”
I look at him, questioning, “Is it alright with you?”
“Of course.”
“Okay. I’ll finish this then answer.”
He brushes my hair, “I’ll take a shower then go to bed.”
“We will take hours, and I’ll be loud.” He clasps our hands together.
His eyes glisten with mischievousness, “You know I can’t sleep without you. Who knows? I might make a special appearance.”
I tiptoe and stare at him deeply, “I’d love that.”
Sure enough, it’s 1 AM, all of us have class in 6 hours but the call shows no signs of stopping. Priorities, right? We have talked about the whole array of topics, from shitty teachers, “happy crushes”, the concert ticket selling on Sunday, job hunting, bit of nihilism, and finally, our love lives.
“I only noticed now but Talia, where are you? That doesn’t look like your room.” Scarlet asks.
Gwen shifts, she knows. “Yeah Talia, you always disappear during the afternoons, what cha doing?” She knocks her head to the side, with that annoying smirk.
“I’m at a friend’s house.” I say, plainly.
“Wait, you have other friends than us? I’m so hurt.” Rina puts a hand on her chest, offended. Everyone cackles. It’s kind of a known fact I don’t make friends often.
“Or maybe you have a boyfriend,” Lib says, offhandedly.
And as if on cue, the devil appears. Seok all dressed in white sweatpants and a white hoodie, In glasses, hair ruffled, looking so fucking adorable. Okay, the angel. My angel. I lock eyes with him. He pouts. Why is he distracting me?
Gwen claps, excited. “Ha! Well?”
“And what if I do?” Why am I suddenly nervous?
“Come on” “Oh really?” “Girl, I don’t believe you.” My friends’ responses.
“Pffft, proof or it’s fake.” Lib challenges me.
Seok is still by the doorframe, looking as cuddly as ever. My earphones aren’t plugged in, so he looks smug. “Babe, can you come over here?”
He crawls to my side, curling against my chest. “Hey! The laptop will be knocked over!”
“Sorry, love.” He pouts. We shift.
“Hehe, hello.” Seok says meekly, suddenly shy and looking like a small pup.
I look back to the screen. The friends are stunned!
“Are you a paid actor?” Rina asks.
“I fucking hate you.” Everyone laughs again.
“This is 100% real? You aren’t fucking with us?” Scarlet points quickly.
“This is the proof, bros.”
"Why didn't you fucking tell us?" “Wow.” “Details now!” “Who is this guy?” “So now we are demoted from babes to bros?”
As the flurry of questions and the blur of voices settle in, Seok gets even comfier. They look at each other fondly, in their own world despite the chaos they’re hearing. Talia’s friends see them, still in disbelief yet beyond happy for their friend. They already know the call will last till dawn.
From delusions to dreams coming true, look how far I’ve come, Talia thinks, while nuzzling Seok’s nose.
THE END