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Hyunjin should have seen it coming.
No, really. He should've made the prediction and stopped Jisung the moment he decided letting himself get dragged by Changbin to the gym is a good idea. Because if there's one infuriating truth about Jisung, it is that he always exceeds expectations. And whatever outcome Hyunjin initially expected by him suddenly getting up and working out pales in comparison to what he actually gets.
It's not like Hyunjin hasn't found him attractive before this. I mean come on, it's Jisung—freakishly talented, all-rounder, genius performer Jisung—but still, Hyunjin has always thought his charm lies in his personality and skills rather than his looks alone. He's already charismatic enough as he is, he has absolutely no reason to improve his visuals.
So pray tell, why did Jisung walk out of their shared bathroom and Hyunjin's mind suddenly decides he's the hottest thing he has ever laid his eyes on?
It's like a scene straight out of a mainstream romance manhwa: the fanservice panel that contains the male lead coming out of the shower with a cloak of thin mist and droplets of water trickling down his toned chest. Living together for more than four years, Hyunjin has seen him in nothing but a towel so frequently that his reaction to this sight should be equivalent to his reaction to a normal rock. However, today Jisung looks just right —face not bloated, dark hair falling a little over his eyes in just the right length, lips moisturized, skin flushed—and god .
His neck.
His chest.
His arms .
Since when did Jisung look like the man of his dreams ? Has Jisung always been exiting the bathroom looking like this and Hyunjin has only now paid attention? When did he get so hot that Hyunjin literally freezes in the middle of the hallway just to shamelessly check him out?
There is no way this is the Jisung he knows.
Just when Hyunjin is about to think that he's hallucinating and the thing in front of him is indeed not his bandmate but only an illusion his brain conjured for him for being so horny, Jisung speaks.
"Jagiya, you're staring."
And then he fucking flexes. "Like what you see?"
Okay, that's Jisung alright.
The confirmation doesn't help though, because even as Jisung puts on his usual dance practice attire and the group makes their way to the company, Hyunjin can't take his eyes off him. And even as the days go by and their schedules get busier than ever, Hyunjin only finds himself appreciating Jisung more and more.
It is when his hand absentmindedly finds its way to Jisung's left pec on V Live with thousands of fans watching that Hyunjin realizes: this might be a little problem.
So Jisung is hot. Cool. That's not a hard concept to grasp because as he said, it's not like he hasn't found him attractive before this. They are way past the stage of denying good thoughts about the other for the sake of being hateful. If it's up to Hyunjin alone, he can think about Jisung being hot while being completely normal about it.
The problem is that Jisung is so… Jisung. Which makes things more difficult than it would be had Hyunjin found any other member ridiculously hot out of nowhere. Not only is Jisung naturally affectionate toward his friends, but he's also particularly obsessed with Hyunjin ever since the skit of SKZ-Family happened three years ago where they're paired up as a couple. It has become their little inside joke, one that Hyunjin enjoys sharing with Jisung and one that never fails to make him laugh whenever Jisung brings it up, but Hyunjin never imagined it would ultimately cause his downfall.
"Jagiya, look at this," Jisung calls from the couch, looking far too hot for someone sitting down and scrolling through his phone. He's wearing a white tank top, which is weather-appropriate, Hyunjin admits, but he still can't help feeling personally targetted when he sees his bare arm stretched on the top of the couch. His feet immediately take him to sit on that side so that Hyunjin's thirsty mind can imagine Jisung's arm draping over his shoulders instead, but then he actually feels his arm drape over his shoulders, and Hyunjin all but squeaks when Jisung pulls him to his hard and solid chest.
A phone is shoved right in front of his face.
ship dynamic: small husband tall wife
"This is us," Jisung says.
Heat creeps up his cheeks in an instant. He doesn't know if it's because of the text on the screen or the very sturdy arm around him or the firmness of the chest his cheek is currently pressed on. Or maybe it's the way he was practically manhandled into this position, which should be somewhat awkward because he's taller than him and his hips are sticking out uncomfortably to make this happen, but dear god if this isn't the hottest display of strength he has ever experienced. Never mind the fact that both Changbin and Chan have picked him up like a ragdoll on multiple occasions—whatever this is trumps that. Hyunjin wonders why Jisung hasn't tried lifting him up yet, he definitely can, he could throw him over his (broad!) shoulders easily if he wanted to—wait, why is he thinking about this?
He feels Jisung slightly pull away to peer at his face.
"Wha- Are you blushing?"
Hyunjin blushes even more, then says, "No."
"Holy shit," Jisung mutters. His eyes are round as he stares at his phone like it just performed a miracle. "It actually worked."
What actually worked? What was Jisung trying to do?
In hindsight, Hyunjin should have really asked those out loud. Maybe then he would know why Jisung started to every so often call him over like he did that day, show him something he found on the internet, and say stuff like this is you or this could be us . And every single time he would wrap an arm around Hyunjin, making him endlessly flustered despite Jisung not using strength like last time, but can you blame him when Jisung's hand fits perfectly right at the dip of his waist? And why are Jisung's arms almost always out these days? Hyunjin is having a hard time here.
This is not a little problem anymore. This a code red: Hyunjin Might Actually Die From Heart Failure If This Keeps Up emergency. He has to sit down, reevaluate the situation, determine the root of the problem, and hopefully come up with a concrete solution.
For someone to drive Hyunjin absolutely insane they have to have the following characteristics:
1) They have to be nice and respectful. Hyunjin likes to be taken care of as much as he likes taking care of people, which is why he always finds himself gravitating to the thoughtful gestures of the second leads in the dramas he watches instead of the bad guy auras of the main leads. There's just something about simple kindness that gets Hyunjin. Call him boring or whatever but he'll never get the appeal of liking people who are purposefully mean to others.
2) They have to be stronger than him. Now Hyunjin is not physically weak by any means, but he won't lie and say he hasn't been thinking about big strong muscles whenever the topic of ideal type comes up. Especially when paired up with the first characteristic, Hyunjin won't be able to resist someone who could theoretically pin him to the ground at any given moment, but won't .
3) They have to be sentimental enough that they could hold deep conversations with him. As an artist, Hyunjin rarely ever sees things for what they appear to be, so a perspicacious mind is automatically attractive to him. There's nothing hotter to him than going on a long spiel about the beauty of flowers at 3 am and being listened to and understood . Most of all, Hyunjin wants someone who can let him in on their deepest thoughts as well, so that Hyunjin can also listen and understand.
4) They have to be his friend. This is the most important characteristic yet and is frankly nonnegotiable. Hyunjin would never be crazy for a stranger or a distant acquaintance. Physical appearance and trivial interactions matter so little to him because what he's desperately craving is something deeper. Screw him if this makes dating impossibly harder for him, but he likes taking his time to get to know a person first before deciding what role they would have in his life, and friendship is the first step to that.
For the longest time, especially during their pre-debut days, Jisung ticked none of the boxes. In fact, he was comically the exact opposite of everything listed above, that is: 1) he was an abysmal spawn of Satan, 2) he was so tiny Hyunjin could step on him like an annoying pest, 3) he was painfully talkative yet never talked about anything substantial and lastly, 4) he was his archenemy.
So what the hell happened here?
What does Hyunjin do when he realizes that the person he used to deem the safest from being a potential crush has been slowly morphing into the spitting image of his dream boy all this time?
It would have been so easy if Jisung simply bulked up and grew up to be even more of an asshole. But no, Jisung had to mature into one of the gentlest, most selfless souls Hyunjin knows. It's so unfair.
As if harboring a devastating crush on the other two members of 3racha isn't enough. He has long accepted that Changbin views him as a little brother and Chan is basically his boss—Hyunjin was able to move on from them in a breeze as soon as he ascertained that the two of them were unreachable. Jisung, however…
Hyunjin is no stranger to the notion that Jisung reserves for him a special tenderness that he doesn't offer to anyone else. Jisung always treats him like he's atoning for something, like he's still asking for the forgiveness Hyunjin already gave him years ago. Because he had been the cause of so many tears to fall from Hyunjin's eyes in the past, he makes sure to be the reason Hyunjin laughs in the present. Because he used to tell Hyunjin so many times that he needed to do better , now he makes sure he tells Hyunjin enough times that he did well .
Hyunjin responds by looking out for him in his own way, but Jisung is the type of person who actively evades making himself the recipient of any form of care. It's so frustratingly rare to catch him with his Mood Maker Of The Group mask off, even rarer to catch him vulnerable enough that Hyunjin could offer some comfort. Sometimes, when Jisung’s facade becomes too obvious to ignore, Hyunjin watches him longingly from across the room, wishing he could come up to him without unintentionally burdening Jisung with the stress of making him laugh. Because he would never want to be happy if it’s killing Jisung inside.
In short, Jisung is also unreachable. Obviously, he’s drawing a clear line between him and Hyunjin because although Hyunjin feels safe enough with him that whenever they are together he can just be himself, Jisung doesn’t feel the same. And okay, that’s fine, nothing personal about it. So what if Jisung still feels the need to put up an act around him? They can still be friends who joke around and go shopping and maybe flirt a little on the side. Hyunjin can still think he’s hot and allow himself to enjoy the glorious view of Jisung walking out of the shower every morning until he decides to move on for good.
And yet Hyunjin’s big mouth traitorously brings it up in an episode of 2 Kids Room. It’s common among the members to say anything on camera and absolutely forget all about it the moment the shoot ends. So when Hyunjin opens his door one day to an uncharacteristically quiet Jisung, his first instinct is to step back and fish his phone out to dial Minho. But then Jisung scratches at the back of his ear and asks in a soft voice if he can crash in his room for the night and Hyunjin realizes:
Something is bothering him. Something is bothering him so he came to Hyunjin .
Me! , the voice in Hyunjin's head excitedly squeals, like a tiny puppy just made its way to him instead of the five other people calling its name. He came to me! Me! Me! Me! Hyunjin brushes it off in favor of hurriedly letting Jisung in (before he changes his mind) and locking the door (before a bored member barges in and ruins everything). Despite the worry bubbling in his chest at Jisung's distressed state, he can't help but secretly preen about how he knows Minho is doing nothing in his own room right now, and yet Jisung is here. He actually took Hyunjin's concern in 2 kids room seriously when he already forgot he said it in the first place.
The excitement is short-lived when he takes a closer look at Jisung's eyes and sees nothing.
Fuck, it must be serious. When did Jisung get like this? He didn't even notice anything wrong with him during the rehearsals, or even after the performance they did earlier that day. As far as he recalls, Jisung was acting like his usual hyper self in the waiting room. Or was he a little bit too hyper? Hyunjin can't really remember anything aside from how utterly scrumptious Jisung looked in his stage outfit, and he may or may not have spent the entire time hungrily staring at all the exposed skin like a Victorian man who has never seen an ankle.
God, did Hyunjin get so preoccupied thinking about how hot Jisung was that he failed to catch the change in his demeanor? Is this what he's become? Hyunjin is so disappointed with himself.
Sitting on the bed across from Jisung, he clears his throat.
"Do you want to talk about it? Or…"
Jisung is hugging a pillow (his pillow!) to his chest and right now, clad in a hoodie a few sizes too big on him, he looks the smallest Hyunjin has seen him in a while. His eyes are cast downwards to where his legs are stretched on Hyunjin's sheets, his socked feet fiddling with each other cutely.
"It's stupid."
Immediately, alarm bells start ringing in Hyunjin's ears. It's stupid is code for I think it is insignificant therefore I will bottle it all to myself if no one forces it out of me and he knows it by experience.
Hyunjin frowns. "If it gets you like this it's not stupid."
A moment passes where Jisung only buries his face on his pillow. Then finally, he mumbles, "You know how I started working out?"
Hyunjin tries not to choke.
"What about it?"
"Um, it's about my arms," Jisung says, curling in on himself even further. "I keep wearing those sleeveless shirts because the noonas tell me I look good in them, but honestly, I don't think so."
" What ?!" Hyunjin all but yells. At Jisung's bewildered expression, he realizes his reaction is probably too extreme for what is considered normal. He coughs awkwardly and sinks back to his seat, doing everything in his power not to sound too affronted when he continues, "What do you mean you don't think so?"
"Well, I keep watching the reruns of our performances and—they're all I see. I mean, don't you think they… stick out?" Jisung grimaces. "Don't they look weird?"
There is no way Hyunjin heard that correctly.
He can tell Jisung is starting to get anxious at his lack of response, but what can he say? Hyunjin is floored. He can't believe this is what's weighing him down. Is Jisung seriously getting self-conscious about the one thing that's been driving him up the walls these days? How can Hyunjin give him the reassurance he needs without accidentally spilling that no, his arms don't look weird, in fact they look hot , so hot that it's kind of ruining his life?
But then again, he gets where he's coming from. In their line of work where maintaining appearances is a vital part of their job, it's easy to nitpick all the little details about themselves. Hyunjin himself suffers from this more often than he would like to admit, what with being the unspoken visual of the group (although he hates being so with a passion), and he knows all the members would say the same. After all, they say how an idol views themselves is very different from how everyone else views them. So even though Hyunjin thinks there isn't a single person in the world who's hotter than Jisung with his guns out, it is highly probable that Jisung himself won't agree to it.
Hyunjin sighs. He wants so badly to pull up his laptop and start working on a 100-slide PowerPoint presentation entitled Why Han Jisung's Arms Are a Blessing from God to Mankind but he isn't sure how he'd react to that. Instead, with all the tenderness he can muster, he tells him: "I get it, I really do. But Jisung, I personally don't see why you should worry because…" Hyunjin swallows. "I like them. A lot."
Jisung's eyes widen.
When Hyunjin realizes what he just said, he rushes to add, "But I'm not invalidating your feelings or whatever! It's completely normal to feel that way, or think that way, and I'm happy you came to me about this but—"
"You like them?" Jisung asks, because of course he'll focus on that part. "A lot ?"
Hyunjin's face is burning.
"Of course I do! I don't know anyone who doesn't ," he says. He wants to die. "Honestly I get jealous sometimes."
At this, Jisung shoots up like a rocket. "Wait, jealous ?!" he exclaims. He looks downright scandalized, like he's about to head to the prosecutor's office and file a case against Hyunjin for what he just said. "You're kidding, right? Hyunjin, you're the single most beautiful thing that happened in this ugly world. You can't tell me you're jealous of anyone, especially of me , when you're you . That's ridiculous."
Hyunjin is going to explode.
How can Jisung easily say all that when Hyunjin struggled so hard to come up with a decent compliment? And why does he have to look so serious about it?
"That's ridiculous," Jisung repeats when Hyunjin doesn't say anything. "You know that, right? Please tell me you know that. It's important to me that you know that."
Hyunjin, with his head still reeling with single most beautiful thing that happened in this ugly world on repeat, only replies with a weak, "You're exaggerating."
Jisung's eyes seem to widen even more. "Trust me, I'm understating it." He scrambles on the bed so that he's fully facing Hyunjin. "Do you want me to go on a spiel about how amazing you are? I'll seriously do it right now, watch me—"
"I get it! Oh my god."
Jisung grabs both his shoulders, staring straight into his eyes.
"You're perfect."
Hyunjin averts his gaze, hoping Jisung doesn't pick up on the way his heart jumps.
"This is supposed to be about you," he pouts.
"Well now it's about you," Jisung says, "and how bright, hardworking, sweet, generous, strong, understan—"
Not able to stand it anymore, Hyunjin grabs a pillow and hurls it to Jisung's face.
"Stop already!"
But Jisung only bursts in laughter, shouting, "Thoughtful!" before Hyunjin picks up the pillow again and attempts to smother Jisung with it. The smaller boy falls backward to the bed, giggling while occasionally pushing back the pillow enough to continue yelling out:
"Considerate!"
"Brave!"
"Passionate!"
"Shut up!" Hyunjin cries, face tomato-red while he uses all his might to press the pillow further to Jisung's face.
In retrospect, Hyunjin should have considered the difference in their strengths before playing this game, especially when it is literally the one thing that never left his mind ever since he had his Jisung Is Hot grand realization. Because before he knows it, Hyunjin is being pinned to the bed with his wrists held beside his head, Jisung's smug smile inches away from his face.
"Lovely," Jisung continues, looking down at him, an unreadable glint in his eyes. Strands of hair fall messily over Hyunjin’s forehead from the scuffle, and Jisung tucks them behind his ear for him. "Enchanting," he mutters. His fingertips graze the side of his jaw before it travels to his lips, Jisung’s eyes following along. His touch quivers when Hyunjin lets his lips part. "Unreal."
When Jisung cups his cheek, he does it so gently like Hyunjin would break if he's not careful enough. He almost sounds breathless when he whispers, "Just perfect."
Jisung is barely touching him, and yet Hyunjin feels like he's being kissed .
He dares to look up at him, holding eye contact despite the thundering in his chest. Jisung has to know that all the adjectives he threw at him apply to him too. But when Jisung is looking at him like this, like he hasn't even told Hyunjin the best of it even though he has already told him so much, he can't think of any eloquent way to say it.
So he resorts to telling him, "You're perfect too."
Jisung's smile is blinding.
He gets up, stretching his arms above his head. "I'm glad that's settled then!"
Hyunjin sits up as well, trying to will his heart to calm down. But then he observes Jisung is back to his lively self, and when he turns to him, bright-eyed and beautiful, Hyunjin knows he doesn't stand a chance.
"That felt good. I feel like a god," Jisung says. And then he screams, just because. "HYUNJIN LIKES ME!"
Hyunjin's heart does a flip. Maybe .
"I said your arms, idiot."
"And who do my arms belong to?" Jisung asks, brows wiggling cheekily. Hyunjin laughs at the ridiculousness of it all. He wonders why Jisung looks this happy when he's the one who did almost all the complimenting, but he doesn't question it. He's not about to ruin the moment.
The scene feels all too raw for him in a way the two of them have never been before. It's like the last wall has crumbled down between them, the last barricade from reaching Jisung coming off. This feels like the start of something deeper, something realer , and Hyunjin feels warm just by the thought of it. The fact that Jisung is willing to take their friendship one step further, to open himself up to Hyunjin despite being notorious for letting very few people in his little circle, is enough to make Hyunjin swear on his life that he's never going to waste this trust that's been given to him. He'll always be there for Jisung, during the good times and during the bad, and he really does mean it when he said Jisung can make him laugh half as much as now, and he'll still love it.
He thinks of Jisung's silly message about skinship and smiles. He's really about to do this. Oh god.
"Jisung?" he calls, opening his arms awkwardly. Jisung raises a teasing brow at him. "Wanna cuddle?"
When they fall asleep together that night, legs tangled under the blanket and Jisung's hair tickling Hyunjin's chin, he wonders how he ever thought he belongs anywhere that isn't the space between Jisung's arms.
So Jisung is not unreachable anymore. In fact, being with him deludes Hyunjin into thinking maybe he doesn't have to reach out at all because Jisung is already clinging to him like a muscular leech. Ever since he harassed Hyunjin with compliments that night, he hasn't been able to leave the taller boy alone. It's even come to the point where Hyunjin has to hide in the other dorm to escape from him because even though Hyunjin wants to be the bestest friend he has ever had by being with him at all times, Jisung is still very much hot and Hyunjin's poor, weak heart can only take so much.
It seems the other members haven't caught on yet, because they only take Hyunjin's dorm-hopping as him missing the said dorm's inhabitants. And sure, he can admit there are multiple instances where he still finds himself yearning for Jeongin and Felix's company, but he can't say the same for the other two.
Unfortunately, the aforementioned Other Two are the only ones present in the dining room right now. Or more like, Seungmin is munching on his cereal that he prepared for all of 30 seconds, while Minho is taking his time to cook an actual morning meal. Morning meal that Hyunjin is going to mooch off in a while, but for now he settles on sipping on his iced americano that he quickly picked up before coming here.
They don't have the slightest clue about what's going on between him and Jisung. That means Hyunjin can ask them an innocent question without it coming off as suspicious, right? All he needs to hear is a nonchalant Jisung sees you as a friend so he can stop having stupid thoughts like Jisung is attainable and all the flirting that they've done up to that point means something. He needs someone to unwittingly talk some sense to him so he can finally move on and face Jisung without being weird about it. And then he can finally stop using this dorm as a hiding place, and then he can be Jisung's platonic bestie who doesn't secretly drool over his sore muscles whenever he comes back from the gym.
He just needs to ask the right question.
"Hey, Seungmin."
Seungmin looks up from his bowl, eyes empty like he's dead inside.
"What does Jisung think of me?"
"His tall wife," comes his immediate reply. Hyunjin chokes on his americano. "What? You're married in his head already."
Hyunjin sets his cup down, glaring at him. "Take me seriously."
"I'm dead serious," Seungmin says, face grim. "It's 2022. All of us have moved on from that skit already. Hell, we even have a new family skit now, but you're still here acting married. I'm convinced you had a whole wedding ceremony in his head and he's the only one who knows."
"As the unfortunate knower of what goes on in his head, I can confirm," Minho says. He places a delectable-looking pan of kimchi fried rice on the table and then pulls on the chair beside Seungmin, blatantly ignoring the scowl that forms on the younger's face. "He's totally the type of loser to just marry someone in his head and then leave it at that."
Hyunjin stares at him.
"Does that mean that he…" likes me?
Minho puts a plate in front of him.
"It's no fun talking about what he thinks of you," he says. Hyunjin's heart soars when Minho takes it upon himself to put food on his plate. "Let's talk about what you think of him."
"I…" Hyunjin stammers, cheeks warming.
This must not be the response Minho has been expecting, because upon taking a look at Hyunjin's flustered face, he drops his chopsticks on the table, eyes growing wide in realization.
"Don't tell me you…"
Oh shit. Oh shit . He's screwed. Damn him and his completely transparent expressions. Now Minho knows and he's definitely going to tell Jisung and then Jisung is going to put his walls back up around him and then they're going to turn into two professional coworkers who happen to do fanservice sometimes and then—
Minho and Seungmin share a look. They seem to come into some sort of understanding because the next thing he knows they're turning their backs on him and proceeding to whisper to themselves.
Okay, what the hell? Talk about rude.
He can't make much of what they're talking about, but he does pick up something along the lines of should we tell Channie-hyung?
An instant wave of terror pulses through him.
"Don't tell Channie-hyung!"
They turn to face him again, but Minho just looks sad.
"Listen, Hyunjinnie. It's not that we want to, but we sort of have to, since starting a relationship within the group is a little—"
"What relationship?!" Hyunjin yells out. Where did that come from? All he asked is what Jisung thought of him, not if he’s available to date, for fuck's sake. And besides— "It's not like Jisung likes me like that," he finishes lamely.
Minho's jaw drops.
As in, he looks like how he would react if Hyunjin told him he's actually hiding a secret child, which is ridiculous and out of pocket. Hyunjin is sure what he just said does not warrant that level of reaction from him. And yet seconds pass and Minho doesn't move a muscle.
Beside him, Seungmin calmly finishes his cereal. "I guess we have nothing to worry about then."
The whole conversation only serves to confuse Hyunjin more. On one hand, the hopeful part of him wants to believe that this is a hint at Jisung's hidden feelings for him. On the other, the cynical part of him tells him that it's stupid and Hyunjin should just go write a webnovel for letting his imagination stray that far. There's no way Jisung likes him like that because Hyunjin just can’t for the life of him think of when he would have started doing so. Hyunjin only began paying attention to Jisung when he realized he might be getting a little too hot for his liking, but Hyunjin is still the same old Hyunjin who's not really doing anything in particular to make himself look better, so why would Jisung like him all of a sudden? And even if he removes the physical attraction part from the equation, their relationship as friends has been static throughout the years except for their most recent development, so there are really not a lot of avenues for Jisung to fall for him. He's only getting ahead of himself because Jisung got vulnerable with him one time, but that doesn't mean Hyunjin has to interpret it as Jisung trying to be more than friends with him.
And yet Hyunjin doesn't miss the way Jisung’s eyes always find him in a sea of people, doesn’t miss the way he always gravitates to him. It's in the way Jisung stays when Hyunjin decides to dance a bit more in the practice room. It's in the way he lets Hyunjin stay when he locks himself up to write lyrics for a new song. It's in all the little things Jisung does for him that Hyunjin is only beginning to catch now that he's watching him closer, which makes him wonder: how long has Jisung been treating him this right?
It’s so easy to fall in love with him when Jisung makes him feel so loved.
He knows there's no turning back now. This isn't a simple desire for Jisung to lift him up like he's nothing anymore. Somewhere along ogling him, he saw Jisung for who he really is beneath all the muscles and the goofiness and the bravado and now he wants his heart. Because not only is Jisung physically hot but he's also everything Hyunjin has ever dreamed about. He makes him feel like Hyunjin could give him his heart and it would be safe with him.
And that is the most dangerous thought of all.
It all becomes clear like this.
Practically Hyunjin's whole body yells out a thank god! when he leans back on his chair, inspecting the 2-hour progress he has made on his most recent painting project. It could be better, the colors are too flat for him and he hasn't outlined the thing yet, but hey, as an unknown wise fellow once said, trust the process. Besides, he knows everything looks worse in the unflattering glow of the balcony lights so that at least provides him a bit of assurance. The chilly breeze that hits him reminds him why he chose this spot as his makeshift art studio in the first place, despite the bad lighting and the cramped space. Inhaling fresh air and being surrounded by nature always helps him get his creative juices flowing. And albeit he is in the middle of a city and is not exactly surrounded by nature, the neighborhood trees and the night sky are enough for him.
He debates on continuing but ultimately decides to have mercy on his screaming torso. It's not like he's particularly passionate about this piece anyway, being a random prompt he found on the internet because these days he can't seem to stop painting Jisung, but he really can't paint him right now, so he had to find another subject to work with.
He turns to his music player, which is actually just Jisung sitting on the floor by the wall with a guitar perched on his lap. He has his eyes closed and has given up on trying to learn songs by searching up the chords on Google a while ago, opting to play random tunes that he seems to have made up on the spot but sounds good nonetheless. As cliche as it sounds, he looks absolutely gorgeous like this, chocolate chip mole and heart-shaped Adam's apple in full display. Judging by the recording app still open on his phone beside him, Hyunjin is positive he has come up with at least a few melodies while he was busy splashing colors on the canvas. It makes him feel all kinds of tingly inside. Hyunjin really loves the fact that they are able to hang out like this, to just bask in each other's presence wordlessly while they get absorbed in their own worlds, creating.
Just when Hyunjin is about to reach out for his phone to take a picture (he badly needs to paint this later okay), Jisung opens his eyes.
“Are you done?”
Oh well. He'll catch him next time.
“Yeah, my shoulders are killing me,” Hyunjin pouts.
Grinning, Jisung slaps a hand on the strings to shush it and says, "Let's make a song!"
"A song?" Hyunjin is already on his way to sit beside him. "Like a SKZ-Record?"
"No. Just for the two of us. We won't release it." And then he smiles, this time more bashful. "Like a song only we know."
Warmth blooms in Hyunjin's chest. He peeks at Jisung curiously.
"What would the song be about then?"
"I don't know, whatever you want." Jisung strikes a pose like he's thinking, head tilted up and fingers hooked under his chin. "Maybe love?"
"Oh, you want to make a love song with me?" Hyunjin teases. He shoves his face closer to Jisung who's suddenly looking the other way. Their knees brush and Jisung flinches. "Do you just make love songs with anyone?"
The way Jisung's ears flare is worth it.
Panicking, he stammers out, "It doesn't have to be about love! It just has to be about us." Hyunjin giggles, mercifully backing away. Jisung is just so cute sometimes. "And we don't have to do it if you don't want to…"
As if Hyunjin can deny him anything. Especially this .
"We can make a song about how far we've come," Hyunjin says softly. At this, Jisung brightens up like a dream.
"Yeah! Like from how we started," he gestures awkwardly between the two of them, "to this."
"We hated each other so much." Hyunjin smiles reminiscently, staring up into the starry sky. "For no reason at all."
It's like the stars are telling him something. A secret, perhaps.
"I have a reason, you know."
"What? You never told me."
Hyunjin looks at him. Jisung drums his fingers on the guitar wood.
"I guess I can say you were a crush I was mad about having?"
Hyunjin feels his eyes widen. "You had a crush on me?"
"You were the prettiest boy I've ever seen at the time, you still are, you can't blame me! Anyway." Jisung has the audacity to start strumming. Hyunjin is still trying to figure out if he heard the you still are part correctly. “Oh! We can make the lyrics about how we changed throughout the years.”
Hyunjin snaps back to the conversation. “I like that,” he says. “We can sing about each other.”
“Right. I have a lot to say about you.”
“Did I change a lot?”
“You did! You’re… softer now,” Jisung says. At Hyunjin's quirked brow, he elaborates. “I mean the fire is still there but back then you were so intense because you wanted to be someone worthy of debuting,” he explains. Hyunjin nods, understanding. “Now you’re just intensely you .”
Hyunjin giggles, twirling a strand of hair on his finger. “I think the long hair awakened something.”
“Oh, definitely,” Jisung agrees, smiling. “It’s like you unlocked your final form.”
Hyunjin giggles, again. "I think you changed a lot too."
At this, Jisung straightens up, face pulled in a derpy expression that tells him what he's about to say should be shut down immediately.
"I know I'm hotter now."
Hyunjin slaps his puffed-out chest, laughing. "Stop that." And yet his hand stays there. "But yeah." He bites his lip, letting his hand explore the hard planes of muscle, from his chest to his shoulder to his bicep. "You're so hot now."
"Jagiya, this isn't what I meant when I said more skinship."
Hyunjin bites back a blush. "You like it."
"Hell yeah. Touch me more, baby!"
Hyunjin pulls away, laughing (for the 100th time). "You are so gross!"
Jisung laughs along with him like he himself can't believe he just said that. He catches Hyunjin's wrist and gently tugs at it, partly to pull him back to reality but mostly to keep him from accidentally banging his head on the easel.
"Hey, we're making a song, don't forget."
"Right. But if we're doing this…" Hyunjin slowly breaks free of Jisung's hold only to interlock their fingers together. He gives it a second, only to see if Jisung will pull away, before looking up at him through his lashes when he doesn't. "You have to paint with me next time."
Jisung's eyes shine with something bright like hope. Around them, the wind blows softly, happily, like a song.
"Deal."
The two of them don't stop smiling for the rest of the night.
Contrary to popular belief, Hyunjin is not stupid. He's not exceptionally smart either, but it doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. Especially if two and two pertains to a certain rapper's feelings for him; Hyunjin has connected the dots now.
Simply put, there is no heterosexual explanation for Jisung's actions anymore. You don't just ask a homie to make a very personal, very secret love song with you out of nowhere. There's only so many excuses his overthinking brain can make up for Jisung's questionable advances to him before it gives up and tells Hyunjin the plain truth that's been staring him in the face this whole time:
Jisung likes him. No, maybe even more.
At this point, he'd have to be as dense as a rock to not have figured it out. Hyunjin likes to think the romance zone is his specialty, so coming to this (correct!) conclusion should be a walk in the park for him. Ignore the fact that it took him this long and that he had to discreetly interrogate all members and some of their staff like a detective if they have a special song with Jisung too. He had to be 100% sure, or else his brain would continue supplying him with a load of negative what-ifs that no one asked for. He may not be stupid, but it's because of his ability to overthink every single thing that he failed to discern Jisung's real feelings for him in the first place, despite him being quite possibly the most obvious person ever.
He's sure of it now though. In fact, he's never been more sure of anything else. He's as sure of it as he's sure that the earth is round and the sun is hot. He thinks he's even more sure of this than he was sure he was gonna make it to the final lineup of Stray Kids back when it was still being decided. If he turns out to be wrong about this, he'll just stop believing in anything and everything altogether (and perhaps move into another country and be uncontactable for the rest of his life).
The truth comes out like this:
After they make their song, Jisung follows through with his promise of painting with him just a week after. It inevitably ends with them chasing each other in the dorm like teenagers in battle, brushes wielded like swords and swipes of paint on their bodies like battle scars. Jisung corners a giggling Hyunjin in the kitchen and paints a vibrant green LOSER on his forehead. Naturally, Hyunjin knocks his head on Jisung's before the paint dries, to which the smaller makes a noise of protest at.
"Yah! That's not fair!"
"Sorry!" But he's not sorry at all. He slings his arms over Jisung's shoulders, eyes twinkling at the stain on his forehead. "Now you're a loser too."
Jisung is gripping the counter behind him, the tip of his paintbrush coloring Hyunjin's shirt. He grins up to him. "But consider this: a loser for you."
"For me?" Hyunjin asks, pulling him closer.
"Yeah," Jisung answers, and his breath falls directly on Hyunjin's jaw. He's not looking at his eyes anymore. "Only for you."
It feels natural when their lips meet, like it's been a long time coming; like everything that has happened between the two of them have been building up to this. He distantly hears the clack of their brushes falling to the floor, and then Jisung is holding him by the waist while Hyunjin cups his cheek, his other hand sliding down on Jisung's chest. He lets Jisung nip his lower lip again and again, like he can't get enough of it, letting out a gasp when he feels his fingers skirting under his shirt. The edge of the counter digs on his back from how hard Jisung is pressing him against it. It seems Jisung realizes this too, because all of a sudden his hands are slipping to the back of his thighs, ready to hoist him up to the counter and continue kissing the living daylights out of him—
But then a resounding voice booms from the entrance.
"I'm home!"
The two of them jump from each other like they've been burned. For a moment, they just stare at each other, lips spit-slicked and clothes kiss-rumpled. Hyunjin sees the exact moment when it dawns on Jisung what they've just done. Before he can do anything about it, Jisung is running out of there, making his way past a confused Changbin and locking himself in his room. Hyunjin is left standing alone with his two brushes and a pounding heart.
At first, Hyunjin chalks it up to innocent shyness. Which he understands, truly, because there's not a single day where Hyunjin himself doesn't get embarrassed for whatever reason. If Jisung felt like bolting and screaming silently into his pillow after their kiss, then Hyunjin should respect that. He shouldn't be making stupid assumptions like Jisung regrets kissing him and he doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. He has no need to be crying over Jisung leaving him to mumble out pathetic excuses to Changbin about why he's panting in the kitchen and why he has a large LOSER plastered on his forehead. He doesn't need to feel so hurt over the fact that Jisung blatantly avoids him the next day, and then the day after that, and then the day after that. He doesn't need to be staying up all night, wondering when things went wrong between them. He should just calm down and wait it out like a normal person because surely Jisung will come around, right?
When the second week arrives, Hyunjin comes to the devastating realization that Jisung will, indeed, not come around.
Oh god, did Hyunjin read things wrong? Does Jisung not like him like that after all? When is the earliest flight to the farthest most isolated country possible?
Hyunjin is packing his bags when Minho appears at his doorway.
"Jisung thinks you hate him and don't want anything to do with him anymore."
Hyunjin stops in the middle of folding a shirt and in his most dumbfounded tone, asks: " What? "
But Minho is already looking at his open and alarmingly empty closet in shock. "Are you packing your shit? Where the hell are you going?"
"What do you mean he thinks I hate him?"
"I don't know, I told him it's actually me who hates his sorry ass but he won't listen to me and—"
Hyunjin tunes out the rest of what Minho's saying when it strikes him: Jisung didn't realize that Hyunjin likes him. At all.
That idiot!
In a flash, Hyunjin is up on his feet and marching his way to the other dorm where he knows Jisung is. He can't believe Jisung didn't pick up on the one thousand hints Hyunjin has been dropping on him. Seriously, Hyunjin asked him to paint with him! He might as well have undressed when he did that. How could Jisung not know it the way Hyunjin knew when Jisung asked him to make a song with him? How about the way Hyunjin doesn't even hide it when he checks him out after he showers, or the way Hyunjin laughs at absolutely anything he says? How about the way he enthusiastically kissed him back that day in the kitchen? Did Jisung just gloss over all these things in order to come up with the absurd belief that Hyunjin hates him? Unbelievable.
Hyunjin is not stupid. But Jisung most certainly, most painfully, most definitely is .
He swears the first thing he'll do after this fiasco is to go on V Live and announce that he's no longer a member of paboracha. In fact, Jisung should be the sole member of it, because there's no beating the stupidity it takes to come to a conclusion so far from the truth it drives Hyunjin mad. He can maybe understand if Jisung simply did not notice that Hyunjin is into him. But to think Hyunjin hates him? What is this, 2017?
He wastes no time in kicking open Minho's door, startling the Jisung-shaped lump at the center of the sheets. As soon as he sees Hyunjin, he scrambles off the bed and attempts to zip past him, but Hyunjin is having none of that. He slams the door shut behind him and throws Jisung against it, bracketing him in his arms like a badass Kdrama lead.
"Stop running."
Jisung breaks into nervous laughter. "Haha! You caught me, wow! Some moves you got there!" He pats his shoulder twice. Hyunjin doesn’t budge. "Really impressive. You truly outdid yourself with that one. Now if you'll excuse me, I was actually running for the restroom just now—"
Hyunjin groans, head dropping in frustration. "Jisung. Shut up. I know what you're doing."
"What I'm… doing?"
Hyunjin raises his head again, staring straight into his eyes. "You're avoiding me."
Again, Jisung chuckles nervously. "Now why would I do that!"
"I don't know, you tell me," Hyunjin says. Jisung shifts his weight back and forth between his feet. "Why would you do that?"
"I…"
"Jisung, look at me." Jisung holds eye contact for a staggering one second before his gaze skitters away again. "I don't hate you, okay? So can you be honest with me? Please ?"
Hyunjin summons all the patience in his body as he watches Jisung mull over what to say. Finally, he swallows down and meets his eyes, face turning serious for the first time that day.
"You really want to know?"
Hyunjin nods.
"Fine." Jisung takes a deep breath. "Actually, you're right, I'm avoiding you, and that's because I'm hiding something." He resorts to staring at his chest, as if he can’t bear to say it while looking into his eyes. "All this time… ever since we were trainees… the truth is… I'm…"
Hyunjin's heart picks up.
"I'm gay."
He hits Jisung so hard he's almost sent flying. "I already know that!"
"Ow, jagiya, you're getting strong, have you been working out—"
Hyunjin turns around and actually screams . He buries his face in his hands.
He's in love with a moron.
"Fine, be like that. You think this is funny? You've been avoiding me for two weeks!" He can’t help the tears that spring to his eyes. When he turns back around, Jisung’s face is twisted in panic. "Two weeks! For two weeks I didn't know where we stood! I thought we were having something good, but then we kissed and then you just disappeared . Like all of it was nothing to you."
Something in his statement ticks off Jisung. Clenching his jaws, he says, "If you knew how much all of it meant to me it would be you avoiding me."
Hyunjin scoffs.
"You don't know that."
"But I do."
"You don't know that!"
Jisung is unyielding. "Trust me. I do."
"What makes you so sure?"
"I just am."
Hyunjin closes his eyes. "Jisung, please !"
"Because I like you, okay! For god knows how fucking long!" His voice cracks at the end. He grits his teeth, fists balled up beside him. "There! You happy now? I knew you'd avoid me if you knew, but I like you!"
He’s standing straight now, all muscles tensed and shaking with something like anger. It’s familiar, this Jisung that only Hyunjin is intimately acquainted with from the number of fights that have broken between the two of them. It is that deep knowledge of what Jisung looks like when he’s truly resentful or when he’s just shielding himself from pain that he registers the way Jisung is trying to make himself bigger than he actually is. His expression reads defiance, but Hyunjin sees right through it.
His gaze is scalding when he says, "No, you don't."
Jisung lets out one last groan of annoyance before he loses all the fight in his body.
"No, I don't," he whispers, then looks down to the floor. "I'm in love with you."
Suddenly everything is warm.
Jisung doesn't give him a chance to speak before he rambles, "Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. Sorry for raising my voice. Sorry for catching feelings when I know you're just trying to be a friend. I just—you're not supposed to know. I know you don't feel the same. Can you at least pretend this never happened?"
At Jisung’s soft voice, Hyunjin softens. At the end of the day, no matter how strong Jisung physically gets, he’ll always be his soft, delicate Jisung who just needs a little hug sometimes. Hyunjin’s chest aches at how genuinely scared he looks right now. Jisung, like everyone else, is just doing his best to protect his heart from whoever may hurt it. Hyunjin wants to tell him he’d throw away his own heart if it means he gets to keep Jisung’s safe. Instead, he steps closer to him, taking his cheeks in his hands.
"Jisung."
No response. He refuses to look up to him.
"Baby," Hyunjin tries again.
"Don't call me that. That's mean," Jisung pouts.
A giggle erupts out of Hyunjin. He pinches his (squishy!) cheeks, lighting up when it makes Jisung look at him. "Idiot. I'm in love with you, too." He settles on cradling the sides of his face, admiring the gentle blush that dusts his cheeks. How much of it is from the pinching and how much is from the confession, he doesn't know. "Sorry for yelling too. And for cornering you like this. But I'm really, really, really in love with you."
Jisung blinks up at him. "You are?"
Hyunjin nods.
"For real?" Jisung asks.
"For real."
"You don't regret kissing me?"
"Actually, I'm about to kiss you again right now," Hyunjin answers, smiling coyly. "If you'll let me."
Jisung wipes at his teary eyes and then puckers his lips, the way he always does when he's jokingly asking for a kiss. Except this time, Hyunjin will actually kiss the hell out of him. "Yes please!"
When their lips touch, it's like everything falls into place. Somehow they end up on the bed, with Hyunjin under Jisung once again, giggling into each other's mouths for no other reason than being happy. Hyunjin pulls away for a bit, fingers fiddling with the hair on Jisung's nape.
"Go out with me?"
Jisung rises, nodding. "Right. We should probably do this at our own dorm—"
Hyunjin flicks him at the forehead.
"I meant date me! Be my boyfriend. You're so annoying."
Jisung's mouth forms an 'o', then bats his eyelashes at him exaggeratingly.
"You're asking me to be your boyfriend?" Hyunjin rolls his eyes. But then Jisung pounces on him, attacking him with loud, obnoxious kisses all over his face. "Oh, jagiya! Yes! Yes! The answer is yes!"
Hyunjin tells him to stop amidst giggles, but doesn't make any effort to push him. Why would he? He'll gladly take up any chance to be pampered by his hot, adorable, perfect boyfriend.
("Guys. This is my room. That is my bed. I sleep there."
"Congratulations to your bed for having Han Jisung and Hwang Hyunjin making out on top of it!"
"And this is why I hate you with every inch of my being. Get out!")
("No, Hyunjin, you're still part of paboracha, you were literally packing your things when I got to you."
"You were just planning to leave me?"
"Listen, I can't possibly face you anymore if it turned out that I was reading things wrong!"
"You were gonna deprive me of your face forever? How could you think of doing that to me!"
"If you survived two weeks without this face then surely you can survive a lifetime without it."
"Oh come on, I already said I'm sorry!"
"Why are you guys still in my room? Get the fuck out!")