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One year. Quinlan had been stuck in this nightmare for a bit over one year. He was desperate. He had to get out. He had refined his escape plan but they always got to him. At least he could say they never got him the same way.
It was night time again.
Quinlan rubbed his neck as he crept through the halls. He had deactivated the collar and cuffs on his way out, but he knew what would happen when he was caught. He had to turn them on, and the back lash of being so far away and for so long would hit him. At least his pain tolerance had grown a lot.
He had so much information he wanted to get to the Jedi, too. So much they needed to know about Stewjon, about Stewjon's allies. It was too bad they saw Obi-Wan as a kid so they hardly ever talked of the serious stuff in front of him. Or Quinlan would have more information.
He reached the hangar and let out a breath. He was almost there. This was the closest he had been. More than twenty escape attempts, and this was the first time he had reached the hangar. He took a deep breath and started moving quietly, sneakily. He just needed a ship that would get him off the planet and to a safer one where he could regroup and call the Jedi Order.
He spotted one off to the side, perfect. He started walking that direction, desperately trying not to think of the last time he had been caught. Or the time before that. Or the time before that. The punishment was getting worse. He had to make it off the planet, now.
Quinlan climbed into the ship and started making sure everything was in order. He almost couldn't contain his joy when he realized that the ship was in good working condition. He started the ship.
And instantly, the lights in the hangar lit up. Quinlan started frantically moving to get the ship to fly, shaking as he steered it towards the entrance.
“Come on, come on, please,” he whispered.
The ship jerked, shuddered, then stopped altogether.
“No!” Quinlan smacked the ship dashboard, then slumped back. He absently reactivated the collar and cuffs. They always kept him from using the Force externally, but at least the attempts to keep him from leaving h-Obi-Wan's rooms could be turned off.
How could they have known he was here? No one spotted him. Either there was some kind of automatic alert on the ships in case they were turned on when they shouldn't be, or he had a tracker on him. And with the collar and the cuffs... the clothes they provided... that would be easy to do.
Quinlan rubbed his neck, wincing at the real, not phantom pain. He lifted his feet to the chair and wrapped his arms around his knees. He rested his chin on his knees and waited, ignoring the pain in his neck, his wrists, and his ankles. It was bad, yeah, but he was used to it, unfortunately.
Lysn appeared. “There you are Quinlan. Come along, you know how this goes.”
Quinlan didn't move. “There's a tracker, isn't there?” he asked quietly. “That's how you keep figuring out my plan.”
“Ah, you figured it out. Not many ever figure out that we plant trackers on pets. Even those who make it up to fifty escape attempts. Smart, little pet.”
Quinlan flinched. “I don't...” His voice cracked. “I don't want to be a pet.” His voice was scared and pleading.
Lysn sighed and placed her hand on his shoulder. She squeezed it gently, oddly reassuring. “No one ever does. But it is what it is, and you shall have to accept it.”
Quinlan nodded minutely, mind frantically trying to figure out where the tracker was, how to get around it, but he couldn't come up with any ideas. He was so tired of the pain, of the escape attempts... Obi-Wan was decent enough company at least. Was he truly beaten?
Lysn gave him another two minutes. “Alright, come on, time for punishment.” She watched the way his shoulder tensed even as he stood up. He didn't fight, kept his head down, shuffled along. He was resigned, not even scared. That was a change. And it was a good sign that his days of escape attempts were over.
Quinlan was still thinking over possible ways to escape, accounting for the tracker, but he didn't think it was possible. They knew a lot of his tricks now. He couldn't think of anything. What was the point of escaping if he was never going to make it off the planet? If he was doomed from the start?
He knelt on the bed of nails without hesitation when he was led to that punishment station. He had been promised last time he tried to escape that this time would be two full days of punishments, with just ration bars and food between punishments to keep him going. He just wanted it all over with.
.
Two days of punishment, of his mind going in circles. The last twelve hours had been blindfolded and wearing ear plugs, isolated and alone. He had been crying, tempted to beg for it to stop before they blindfolded him. He fought the blindfold when he saw it, panicking.
And then there was nothing, stretching on and on, nothing but himself and his aches, and the occasional new pain at random intervals.
Quinlan broke, sobbing, begging, pleading. He was never going to try to escape again. He couldn't do this again, and anyways, what was the point if they were always one step ahead of him. He was beaten. He had lost. They had won, beating him up in all ways.
But nothing changed. He eventually cried himself hoarse, and almost to sleep. But how could he sleep like this? There were no more tears. He was just numb, and he welcomed the pain just so that he was feeling something.
When they finally let him out, he just fell to the floor and didn't bother moving. He was done with everything. He didn't react when they dragged him to his feet, barely even heard their comments about not escaping again, hoping he'd learned his lesson this time. They walked him back to Obi-Wan's rooms and shoved him inside.
Quinlan ignored Obi-Wan, who apparently had been waiting for him on the couch, and walked, more stumbled, straight to his room. He made it to his bed, where he collapsed. He turned his head to stare at the wall. This was his life now. This was his room. This was his bed.
Forever.
.
Obi-Wan had been worried when he woke up and was informed that Quinlan had made an another escape attempt in the night. He was to face two days of punishment as a result.
So Obi-Wan waited for his pet to come back. He knew how much Quinlan missed the Jedi. It was all over his voice and actions when they came up in conversations. It was in how desperate he was to escape.
At first, Obi-Wan had been hurt by the repeated escape attempts. But now? Now he thought he understood. Quinlan wasn't raised for this sort of life. He was used to freedom, to being able to make his own choices despite being so young still. This wasn't his home. He didn't agree to this. Why would he stick around?
But the punishments just kept getting worse. Last time Quinlan had need two days to recover from it. Who knew how bad it be this time? Obi-Wan wondered if there was any other way to convince Quinlan to stick around.
He slept on the couch that night, not sure when they would return his pet. A few hours after midnight, the door open. Obi-Wan sat up immediately.
Quinlan looked awful. All those injuries, the signs of crying, the way he was limping. But worst of all was the blank expression on Quinlan's face. He was never that blank, even when hiding emotions. His eyes were empty.
Obi-Wan grabbed the medkit and braced himself before going to take care of Quinlan. He was surprised to find that Quinlan had already fallen asleep where he had collapsed.
Thankfully, this allowed Obi-Wan to take care of the wounds, cleaning, treating, and bandaging, without worrying about hurting him further. He put away the medkit with a yawn and checked the time. Three hours to his usual wake up, four hours to breakfast. He could skip his usual morning routine though...
Wanting to be there for his pet if there was an issue, Obi-Wan joined him in his bed. He hadn't actually shared a bed with his pet yet. Quinlan seemed reluctant, and Obi-Wan wasn't about to push.
But something was wrong and Obi-Wan wasn't going to let Quinlan suffer on his own.
So he slipped into one side of the bed and tried to fall asleep. He was dozing, almost at the sweet, sweet embrace of sleep when whimpers woke him.
It was Quinlan.
Obi-Wan put his hand on Quinlan's shoulder and the whimpers stopped immediately. Obi-Wan adjusted, then started trying to fall asleep again.
Suddenly, Quinlan had his arms around him, head tucked under Obi-Wan's and he was cuddling. All without waking.
Obi-Wan knew that Quinlan was a cuddler, knew that Quinlan needed touch more than most people did. Could tell in how quickly Quinlan started leaning into any light touches from Obi-Wan.
But this was unexpected. He hadn't expected Quinlan to instantly cuddle, to be so clingy, just from a touch.
Obi-Wan smiled and got comfortable, adjusting the blanket over them both. Quinlan had always had some trust in him, but this was an important step, especially with Quinlan so vulnerable. Obi-Wan vowed to make sure that Quinlan never regretted this.
.
Quinlan woke to knocking. He groaned and burrowed deeper. He just wanted to be left alone.
Obi-Wan chuckled underneath him. “Quin, I need to get up.”
Quinlan let go and pulled away quickly, hissing at the pain. He had moved too fast. And then the memories came flooding back.
Obi-Wan squeezed his shoulder gently. “It's just breakfast. I didn't mind the cuddling.”
Quinlan didn't respond, curling up and staring at the wall blankly.
Obi-Wan frowned but went and assured the maids he was up before rushing his morning routine. When he got back out, Quinlan still had not emerged from his room.
So Obi-Wan brought him a plate of breakfast. Filled with all of Quinlan's favorites.
Quinlan hadn't moved. Obi-Wan offered him the plate. No reaction.
Uh-Oh. Obi-Wan had been warned about this. He took a moment to test out the theory and when Quinlan responded or didn't as expected, Obi-Wan left the plate of food and contacted Lysn to let her know.
She came to check and nodded. She patted his shoulder, told him she'd make sure he had the next week off to sort this out, then she left.
Obi-Wan let out a breath. This was a critical point. Quinlan had given up. That meant he was here to stay! But he had gone so far past giving up into numbness that he needed to be watched. The longer a pet resisted, the more likely this was, but still, Obi-Wan wasn't prepared for it to happen at all, let alone now, he thought the earliest would be another few months the way Quinlan had been going.
And how Obi-Wan handled this would cement their relationship. If he did poorly, Quinlan might not properly trust him even as he obeyed out of fear. But if Obi-Wan did well, Quinlan would obey because he wanted to, for Obi-Wan. And they would be close, have a close bond of friendship. What Obi-Wan had craved for years.
Obi-Wan sent a request to the kitchens for his favorite snacks and for Quinlan's. Meals weren't likely to happen while Quinlan was like this, but snacks might. Then Obi-Wan collected books, collected everything he wanted for the next few hours, including a pitcher of water, and then he got everything set up.
Through it all, Quinlan didn't so much as blink. Didn't show interest, barely seemed aware that Obi-Wan was there at all.
Obi-Wan put on a movie he knew Quinlan liked and sat down next to him. He got comfortable, and started reading. After a few minutes, he started stroking Quinlan's hair. He knew after the last year that the best thing to do was push a potential boundary, and keep at that level, and wait. Quinlan would come around eventually.
He just had to be patient.
.
Quinlan was staring at the wall numbly. He couldn't really make himself move. Couldn't really think. He felt... He felt empty. Nothing. There were hints of his feelings, but they were fleeting and skirted the edge of awareness.
When he felt fingers in his hair, he felt a flicker of surprise. Obi-Wan was there. He'd noticed Obi-Wan moving around. Had heard the start of a movie. But he could not bring himself to care.
...the fingers in his hair felt nice. He fell asleep, soothed by the touch and a feeling of being safe.
.
When he woke, it was lunchtime and Obi-Wan was offering him his favorite snacks. But he wasn't hungry. So he just stared at the offering blankly until Obi-Wan wilted and put the snacks next to him.
Then Obi-Wan resumed sitting on the other side of him on the bed and stroking his hair.
This time Quinlan didn't fall asleep. He had caught up enough on his sleep to stay awake. But that just meant there was no escape from the numbness.
...the hair stroking was still nice. Kind of grounding, actually, now that he was more awake.
And in the background he heard the movie. Oh. One of his favorites. That was nice.
As the afternoon moved on, Quinlan focused more and more on the movie, on the fingers in his hair. It was better than nothing. It was better than the numbness.
After Obi-Wan switched out the movie for another, Quinlan rolled over so he was facing Obi-Wan. Oh. Obi-Wan was reading. That should not have surprised him.
Obi-Wan smiled at him, then resumed reading. Quinlan inched closer. He waited out a few scenes, then moved a little closer again. He repeated until his legs were lightly brushing Obi-Wan's. They were touching. Obi-Wan didn't do more than smile at him.
Quinlan enjoyed the feeling touch for the first time in a long time. The feeling of cuddling for the first time in a long time. He hadn't quite been aware of it to enjoy it that morning. But now... this was nice.
When he pressed closer, Obi-Wan stopped stroking his hair to wrap his arm around Quinlan.
Quinlan let out a shaky breath. Obi-Wan was nice to cuddle with. He should have tried this sooner. Maybe it would've been easier to keep his head on straight.
Ten minutes later he was on top of Obi-Wan, ear over his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Cuddling, the sound and feel of a heartbeat, the movie... Oh so patient Obi-Wan... It broke through the numbness.
Quinlan started crying. Grieving for all he had lost. For his previous life. For who he was. Because he wasn't the Jedi padawan he was. He wasn't the person he was. He couldn't go back to that. Now... now he was a pet. That was his life.
With that acceptance, letting go of all the miserable feelings became easier, and Quinlan started working through them without moving. He was still a bit numb, still a bit foggy. But now he recognized the feeling. One he had experienced on occasion, though it was rare.
Depression.
But it didn't matter. He was a pet now. He needed to be put together enough to do what Obi-Wan asked, and that was it. He had no duties or responsibilities anymore.
So Quinlan let himself have his emotions, let himself indulge far more than he usually did. It wasn't like he could draw on the Dark side anymore anyways, since he couldn't really do much with the Force anyways.
.
It wasn't until the next day, though, that Quinlan ate anything.
It took another day for Quinlan to speak.
He was cuddled up with Obi-Wan, listening to Obi-Wan's heartbeat.
And it hit him. For all that he had lived with Obi-Wan for a bit over a year... Obi-Wan was still a bit of a stranger in a lot of ways. Quinlan knew a lot of things about him that he was certain Obi-Wan's own family did not know. But he had always held Obi-Wan at a distance. Didn't really know him, and Obi-Wan didn't really know him that well.
“Obi-Wan...” he started, then stopped uncertainly. “Um. Can you tell me why you've been so patient?”
Obi-Wan set down his book and looked at Quinlan. "What do you mean?"
Quinlan shrugged uncomfortably, studiously staring at the bed. "The other pets told me about how they were treated while they were still trying to escape. You weren't like that. You have never lost patience with me. It's been over a year, and none of them lasted more than three months."
"You know I don't like violence. Getting too angry makes me feel cold and I really don't like that. And... I believed you would either escape or come around eventually. One of those was going to happen. And no one has ever actually escaped. And you made it easy to be patient."
"How did I do that?"
"You still treated me nicely, even though ultimately, you're mine. It's not me you're running from, it's the situation. And you're great. I like your personality, I like how you can keep up with me when discussing things. And after the first few days, you have never been afraid of me. You hide from everyone else, go quiet in a way you don't usually with me."
Quinlan looked up at him, stunned.
Obi-Wan sported red cheeks but he smiled at Quinlan and continued anyways. "It is easy to be patient with you because I want you to be comfortable with me and instilling fear in you was never going to be the answer. And there's never been much I needed to be patient with anyways. You haven't even been all that resistant in months, aside from the escape attempts."
That was true. Quinlan had gotten comfortable with his role, with playing along. Comfortable with the expectations. And there never was any opportunity to actually escape.
"Oh... well, thank you. You're pretty great yourself." Quinlan was amused to see Obi-Wan's blush get darker.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I knew right away that if we'd met some other way we would be best friends. And now I guess... I guess that's what we're going to be anyways."
Obi-Wan lit up with a beam and hugged Quinlan as tight as he could, without hurting him.
Quinlan was blown away by how happy that made Obi-Wan. He had never seen Obi-Wan so happy, and saying they were going to be best friends should not have been the cause.
But Obi-Wan was beyond happy. And... that made Quinlan happy. He liked seeing Obi-Wan happy, and yeah, they would be good friends. The way they were meant to be.
After a few minutes Obi-Wan calmed down, and a realization hit him. "But what made you so... empty and sad?"
"How do you know I was sad?"
"You did cry. But I knew it earlier." Obi-Wan shrugged. "It was kind of obvious 'cause I know you. So. Why?"
"I... I gave up. I gave in. And... it was so against who I a-was that it threw me straight to depression. And... I was sad because I was mourning who I was, and who I could've been."
"Tell me about it?" Obi-Wan requested softly, holding him.
Quinlan adjusted, but he was comfortable in the hold. Unbothered by how Obi-Wan was holding him. It was nice.
"I was a Jedi padawan. I suppose I should take the braid out now that I know I'm not..." Quinlan touched the braid sadly. "I was training to be a shadow and I was good at it..."
Obi-Wan listened, enthralled, to who Quinlan used to be. To anecdotes about growing up at the Temple, to the chaos Quinlan apparently brought everywhere when he didn't need to be sneaky.
When Quinlan got to how he got captured here getting information, he faltered. "And you know the rest of that."
"So who did you hope to be?" Obi-Wan asked softly.
"I was going to be the best shadow ever. Stick with it as long as possible. Shadow work is one of the most stressful jobs with the fastest transfer rates, but I was going to stick it out at least twenty years, then when they threatened to promote me to a role that wasn't a field role, I would switch to doing normal Jedi things. I was going to be a good master, make it to the top 100 duelers in the Order. Maybe after I was old enough I'd do a lot of teaching, or even make the Council. But I was going to be good. And now... that's gone."
"I'm sorry I'm taking that from you." Obi-Wan felt guilty. Quinlan clearly had a great life. Clearly missed a lot of people. And now he couldn't experience it because of Obi-Wan.
Quinlan shook his head. "It's not you that took it away from me. It's those that captured me. It's your parents who agreed to gift me to you. You are the best part of this. It was never you I was running from. But home I was running towards."
"You had a better life than I thought. Better life than most describe Jedi having, even non-Stewjon sources.'
"People think the worst of us because we have to be strict about emotions or risk the Dark side."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Drawing on the Force through negative feelings means drawing on the Dark side. Well, mostly it's fear, hate, anger, and suffering that do it. Draw on it in anger and it's the Dark side, and the Dark side is like a twisted mirror of the 'Light' side. And in turn it twists a person the way just holding onto hatred can, but it's far far worse with the Force in involved. And so, as a Jedi we have to master our emotions so that we can be better than that and better serve the galaxy."
"Huh, that sounds like old legends of the Cursed. Remind me to show them to you sometime. Maybe we can compare notes?"
"That... that could be nice."
"Do Jedi really not have families?"
"We consider each other family, especially those closest to us. Master Tholme is like my father, and those who were in the same initiate clan are still like my siblings even though we went our separate ways. But if you mean in the more traditional sense... well.. it's complicated."
"How can it be complicated?"
"We're not supposed to put people ahead of others, so Jedi who have kids give them up to the creche, or up for adoption. Or leave altogether. But... I did have a mom and a dad. I remember them. And I remember their deaths. They didn't want me to be a Jedi, but the rest of my family couldn't handle my Force abilities, couldn't handle what happened in the aftermath of my parents' death, and so I went to the Temple."
Quinlan paused, thinking about how to better explain this.
"When we're padawans, we get the opportunity to explore our birth culture. Around the same time, if family agreed to one day get back in contact with the Jedi, that is also an option. Depends on what the agreement was, though. But Kiffar culture... you can't separate culture from family. I had to choose both or neither."
"You have the tattoos, so you chose both?"
"Yes. I still remembered some things vaguely. I was four when my parents died, after all. And because Kiffar are always over the top... I visited them every year for a month, mostly for cultural stuff. But also some family stuff, and there's the fact that Kiffar have a far higher need for touch than others, and we find it easiest with family.
"Oh, that makes sense." Obi-Wan wasn't sure what to say next. "So you're a Jedi but they let you be Kiffar?"
"Let? They encourage it. We're supposed to defend the galaxy, let go of family and birthrights but we're not supposed to be totally detached. We just can't let those things get in the way of the right thing to do. We can't let those things get in the way of our duties, can't let feelings lead us down a Dark path. Depending on the culture and if we're in contact with families, there's courses and seminars I had to take for strategies on how to do so effectively without losing touch with my roots."
"That is so different from anything I have ever heard of the Jedi. You really miss them, don't you?"
"They're my family. Of course I do." Quinlan closed his eyes. "But that's not my life anymore. I'm here now. So I will have to deal eventually."
"You can still grieve as long as you want with me," Obi-Wan told him gently. "I know it's hitting you hard. You fought so hard to get back to them, and now you're giving up. I'm here for you."
Quinlan nodded, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before opening with renewed determination. "Don't you worry, Obes. I'll be okay. Just need some time to sort this out."
"I've got a whole week off for both of us. So don't you worry about a thing, my dear."
Quinlan smiled and resumed cuddling. Yeah, this wasn't so bad.
He could stay with Obi-Wan. It would be fine. No matter how much he felt like a failure. No matter how guilty he felt that he was no longer a Jedi, that he was 'betraying' Master Tholme. Obi-Wan was nice. Quinlan would be fine here.
No matter how much this was not what he wanted. This was how he had to live now.