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Moiraine goes back to Chachin, with Lan by her side, the bond an unusual presence in her mind. They fall into a comfortable silence, not talking at all, she knows that once they get used to the feeling, no words will be needed for them to understand each other.
Right now she knows Lan can feel her worry, although, this time, is not the fate of the world she's worried about.
Siuan solved the puzzle about the black ajah looking for the dragon reborn. They agreed that Moiraine would look for the boy while Siuan keeps track of everything at the tower, where she would be more useful for them and for their mission, working for the eyes-and-ears. But she left in a hurry before she could say a proper goodbye to Siuan, without explanation on her "unfinished business" with Lan.
It doesn't help when they go back and Siuan does not look pleased to see Lan at her side. It takes a few minutes for her to understand, but of course, there are few things Siuan's mind can't figure out.
At least she waits until they're alone to complain about it.
“You bonded him?”
Moiraine is sitting on the bed at the inn they were previously staying, watching her as she paces back and forth.
“He’s an excellent fighter”
“There are a lot of decent fighters out there, Moiraine.”
“We don't know who we can trust. And he has proven to not be a dark friend, you know as well as I do that he will be useful.”
Siuan looks ready to protest, but the look on her face shows that she sees reason in Moiraine’s decision. Which means this isn't the real problem.
Moiraine gets up and holds her hands and waits for Siuan to look at her.
She doesn't.
“Siuan,” Moiraine says so softly that the other woman has to remember that she’s angry with her, “tell me why you’re actually upset.”
Siuan scowls and almost acts as if she’ll take her hands away, but she doesn’t. “You hardly know him,” she grumbles. “ I hardly know him.”
“You hardly knew that footman and yet you still kissed him.” She makes sure her tone is gentle and coaxing and not accusatory
“It didn’t mean anything! I never saw him again after that and I don’t plan to. I certainly didn’t bond him, bind my soul and my thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger! Besides, that's not the point”
“What is the point then?”
“The point is that you're shoving me back to the tower while you run into the sunset with that cold-hearted lionfish!”
“You know why you need to go back to the tower, Siuan. Why are you being so difficult about this?”
“Yes, yes, I know. But how can I trust him to take care of you? There are many dangers out there. What if you die on the road? Would I ever know? You just want me to stay there and wait for you forever?”
Moiraine pauses, her mind trying to make sense of Siuan's anger, “you do not trust me with our task. You think just because I grew up in a palace I can't survive on the road.”
Siuan looks hurt at her words, “of course I trust you. I trust you with the whole world's fate at your hands. But I've already lost my father that I loved more than anything in the world. I can't afford to lose you too.” She says softly.
“We have to part ways for now, I'm also not happy about this but I can't do this if you don't trust I'll do everything I can to go back to you”
All of Siuan's anger vanishes and there's only the longing: for those words to mean something more than what Moiraine says. But of course, this mission is more important than whatever she might be feeling right now.
"I know. I know you will. And I trust you, with everything I have" Her eyes are still sad, but her voice is full of love and comfort. "We'll figure it out, you come back when you can and we'll… we'll talk."
A hug is all Moiraine gets before they part ways. Not that she expected a kiss goodbye, but the hug felt insufficient somehow.
So they part ways, with words unsaid that haunts Moiraine’s sleep every night.
When Siuan arrives at the tower, she's in a mood. With Moiraine’s absence, they are all the tower talks about for weeks, some sister's more subtle than others.
Considering how Moiraine disappeared and Siuan went right after, only to come back alone, snapping at anyone who tried to talk to her when she arrived, assumptions of their “break up” starts spreading around with all the gossip. Some find it very hard to believe, but not even a green is brave enough to ask her face-first about it.
The suspicions are confirmed when Siuan is caught kissing a yellow in an empty classroom.
(Of course, she wouldn’t be caught if she didn't want to, thinking it is better for them and their mission if they're not associated with each other anymore. Makes it safer for Moiraine.)
"I think it is useless to tell you not to get caught anymore" Cetalia scolds her when Siuan goes to her room later.
"It won’t happen again" Siuan promises, then gives her the information she was supposed to get from the yellow sister.
That night she takes a moment longer to go to her room, stopping at the one right beside it. She takes a moment to make sure she enters the door unnoticed, and when she does, her heart aches, and she lets herself wallow in her pain. She's missing Moiraine terribly today.
She doesn't dare sleep there, afraid that being surrounded by Moiraine’s smell will lead to lovely dreams she will hate waking up to.
Siuan knows she will have to get used to her friend not being there. It’s not like she has much choice about it anyway.
Galldrian Riatin took the sun throne in the same year, four months after Moiraine left.
Now, Sierin couldn't possibly put Moiraine on the throne now even if she wanted to, Siuan expects her to come back shortly after that.
She spends an unbearable six months anxiously waiting before Moiraine comes back.
Word of Moiraine’s return spreads fast and everyone passes by Siuan at the library with a curious look, maybe hoping for a reaction from her so they will have something to gossip about.
They don't get any, until Liandrin approaches her.
“No doubt you heard about your… ex-pillow friend?”
“I did, the whole tower is getting me updated about it. Have you come to do the same?”
“Not really, just wanted to see how were you doing”
“That's so very kind of you Liandrin, but I'm good and really enjoying this book, if you would be so kind to leave me to it”
"I won't take long. How does it feel to be replaced by a man?” Siuan stops at the question, feeling anger rising on her. “Let alone the king of malkier. How could you ever compete with that?" She laughs.
Her words were meant to hurt. And they do. Not in the way she intended. Siuan knew Moiraine had no romantic feelings for him, but the fact that he would get to be by her side instead of her still stung a lot.
"Liandrin," she keeps her face emotionless and doesn't take her eye off the book she was reading. "Do me a favor and go fuck yourself, elsewhere if you don't mind."
After she's sure Liandrin is gone, she closes her book angrily and storms out of the library. Of course she could have had no reaction at all, but she will give her sisters the gossip they're so hungry for.
After a long journey that makes her end up in Tear and back to Tar Valon, Moiraine comes back to find out that Alanna Mosvani was raised to the shawl and pledged herself to the green ajah, and of course, she fills Moiraine on all the latest news, mostly about what actually matters to her: Siuan.
" I heard that some days she only leaves Cetalia's rooms late at night"
"Siuan was caught kissing that yellow once"
"She is certainly really close to Leane now, after your break up—"
Moiraine suddenly gets up at that
"Sorry. I have somewhere I need to be. It's good to see you again, Alanna."
She knows Lan can sense everything she's feeling, the confusion, rage, jealousy… On the outside it might not seem like she cares, at all. But on the inside a mix of emotions are taking over and she just wants to find Siuan as soon as possible.
She doesn't have the chance to do that till night, she was busy all day between getting Lan set up with the warders and being summoned by the blue's First Selector to report back.
She doesn't bother changing clothes, even if she's dying to have a nice bath after a long week.
Siuan's door is soon closed and locked after Moiraine enters and when they're face to face, all they do is stare at each other taking each other in. Siuan’s eyes rove over every part of Moiraine, trying to see if she’s been injured in any way, how she’s changed in the past few months. And Moiraine can’t help putting her anger aside for a minute when she can’t tear her eyes away from Siuan’s beautiful face, searching for that spark of fondness and affection. Do you still love me? Or have you truly moved on?
"Explain." Is the first words Moiraine says to her after six months
“So? Did you find the boy?” Siuan tries to avoid the actual subject, too afraid of having this conversation they should have had a long time ago.
“...The boy? I come back after six months, to find out we apparently 'broke up' and the first thing you ask me is about the boy ?”
“I just thought it would be more safe if no one knows we're together. If the black ajah ever suspect us—”
“Okay, it makes sense. But you didn't even consider talking to me first or at least give me a warning?”
“You're one to talk. Should I remind you that you bonded a warder and brought him into this without consulting me?”
“Can you stop bringing this up? I made it to aes sedai, and that entitles me to choose to bond whomever I like. I am so sick of hearing you whine about Lan because you can’t see past your petty jealousy.”
They both are standing and burning with anger now.
“You dare reduce what I feel to mere jealousy?”
“Isn’t that what it is though? You resent me for traveling with Lan. Don’t you know I don’t have feelings for him?”
“I know that!”
Moiraine throws her hands up in exasperation, ”then what’s the problem? Because from what I hear, you seem to be enjoying yourself pretty well, going around sleeping with whoever you please, it sounds like!”
“I literally only kissed one person, and it sounds like you are the jealous one now.”
Moiraine tries to deny but her oaths forbid her, “I have no right to be.” She says instead. “Why would I be jealous when apparently we were nothing at all to begin with? just pillow friends, weren’t we?” She says bitterly. “Just two best friends who shared their deepest, darkest secrets and fucked sometimes. It didn’t mean anything to you. Once we were raised you just jumped right on the first person you saw”
“How can you say that? It’s not like you ever asked for exclusivity so do not blame this on me”
“Tell me I’m wrong, then. How could I know you wanted to talk about this? How am I supposed to know what you thought we were? We never talked about it. I'm not a mind reader, Siuan.”
“Because! Wasn’t it obvious? Wasn’t it obvious all along? Since our first year here? Our first week?”
“What are you talking abou—”
“I’m in love with you, you idiot! If you had just asked I would be yours and yours alone from the very beginning! Even if you didn’t– If you don’t love me back. I would and will be only yours if that makes you happy”
Silence feels the room as they stare at each other, Moiraine taking in Siuan’s words with a surprised face.
Siuan takes a shuddering breath. “I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you laughing,” she says quietly. “You’ve always been it for me. it’s always only ever been you. It does not matter which footman or aes sedai I kiss, or charming sailors I fuck, it always comes down to you, because you take my bloody heart with you wherever you go, you cavefish”
A heavy, overbearing silence weighs down on both of them after Siuan’s confession. It feels stifling and awkward. Siuan fidgets. She’s never been so uncomfortable around Moiraine in her life. She wants desperately to break the silence but she knows that if she opens her mouth, it will be to take it back and she doesn’t think she can live with herself if that happens. So she waits, watching carefully as expressions flit across Moiraine’s face: surprise, delight, disappointment.
Eventually, she settles on a thunderous expression and strides toward her. Siuan flinches, anticipating a slap, but instead Moiraine grips her arms. “You’re the idiot,” she hisses. “Why didn’t you say something before? Do you know how much time we’ve wasted? Light, Siuan, we could’ve had years together before this prophecy weighed down on us. We could’ve been happy.”
Siuan blinks, hope and relief blooming high in her chest. “We were just pillow friends, I didn’t know if you wanted the same. I didn’t want to push you to want the same as me.”
“Siuan… You wouldn’t be pushing me into anything, not considering I don’t love anyone as much as I love you”
With that, Siuan feels like she can breathe a little easier. “Well… It’s not like you have said anything either, pufferfish,” her voice is almost shy, and she curses Moiraine for making her feel like that.
“Yes, but we’re talking now and that’s what matters,” Moiraine reaches out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Siuan’s ear “can we talk about Lan and the bond now? Will you tell me what’s really bothering you?”
Siuan looks at the ground as she gives a shuddering sigh. “Yes.”
“He’s a good man. He protects me well, there isn’t much talking between us but we get each other, I can trust him, we can.”
And all the fight leaves Siuan as her shoulders slump. “I know.”
“So why are you so against me bonding him?”
Siuan does meet her eyes now, and Moiraine is taken aback by the fear and tears she sees there, knowing Siuan rarely lets herself be this vulnerable. “We will have so little time together as it is. I guess I’m bitter that you will be together for months, even years at a time. You will ride together every day and he can turn to look at you whenever he wants to. He will experience all the good and the bad sides of you. He will see how fierce you are in battle. He will see how grumpy you are in the mornings. He will share every joy and sadness you feel. And all I will have, in contrast, are memories of you.”
“Siuan…”
“What if I lose you, Moiraine? What if we grow distant while you're there and I am here? What if… you meet someone else and suddenly you're in their arms and not mine? I could not survive that. Never getting to have you in my arms ever again.” She sounds so helpless, Moiraine thinks about how long was keeping this to herself and suffering because of it, “I know there’s nothing we can do about and… I’m grateful he’s keeping you safe. keeping you alive. I can give him a chance, he will have to make sure you don’t run away with some random, ugly gleeman for me”
“You know I would never, and we could never grow distante, Siuan. The pattern waved us to be together, in this life or the next. I’ve been with you since we arrived together and it is not because I’m afar that you won’t be in my heart and in my head, even if I yearn to have you on my bed.” At that, they kiss, and it’s the confirmation that this is home — more the person less than the building.
“You always know the right thing to say pufferfish”
“So. You fucked a charming sailor have you?”
“By the light Moiraine…”
Exhausted from the fight and the long journey Moiraine made to get to the tower, they finally let the tension go
“I have something for you” Moiraine says and Siuan notices she is holding something, “there's a reason why I took longer than expected to come back, I was looking for this”
She moves to Siuan's fireplace, placing something that looks like a portrait above it and opens it.
Siuan moves to the portrait of a river surrounded by mountains Moiraine placed. It’s very nondescript, easy for your eyes to pass over without a second thought if you don’t know what you’re looking for. But Siuan recognizes it as a ter'angreal.
Moiraine turns around, her eyes glancing at Siuan lovingly. “Do you trust me?” She asks.
Before Siuan can answer, Moiraine moves to the portrait and closes it, making it look like any ordinary decoration.
“With all I have” Siuan answers and Moiraine changes their positions, moving to stand behind Siuan, embracing both her and saidar .
"Close your eyes" Moiraine says and she complies. The room brightens and suddenly the air doesn’t smell of her room at the tower, instead, it smells of the river, a smell that lingers to her memory even after all those years away from home.
“You may look”
Siuan opens her eyes, takes a minute to take over the place. It’s a hut, not like her father’s, this one is smaller but Siuan can’t help but feel at home in this place.
“...Moiraine? Where are we?”
“We’re in Tear,” Moiraine says as Siuan looks at her, “it was the last place we went to search and I— “she blushes, looking at the ground, “I wanted to do something for you. We didn't say goodbye properly in Chachin and I always remembered how you used to talk about your father's hut and I wanted to give you something similar from the place you once thought home.” She takes a moment to breathe, her mind going to every possible scenario of what Siuan’s reaction might be. “It's not the best work, but it's a safe structure, I made sure of that, you can rest here when everything at the tower seems too much and… there's a matching pair of ter'angreal in my room, if— if you have me. But if you want the whole place to yourself it's yours and— I'll just shut up now. By the light, please say something.”
Silence fills the room as Siuan processes everything
“If you don’t like it—” Moiraine stops when Siuan lifts a finger, commanding her to shut up (and light, she hates when Siuan does that)
“You built me a hut”
“Well I had Lan's help, some locals also did help, but… yes.”
“You made us a hut, a home”
“Is it ours then?” Moiraine smiles like an idiot, and Siuan wanted so badly to kiss this smile off her face.
So she did.
“You pathetic,” she says between kisses, “stupid, romantic little pufferfish.” When they separate, Siuan also has a big smile on her face, “I love it. Thank you for doing this for me.”
They enjoy the silence, embracing each other, happy to be reunited after so long.
“So,” Siuan breaks the silence, looking at moiraine with a smirk, “how do you want to take me in our new bed?”