Chapter Text
"Ladies and... ladies, please welcome the Komeiji sisters!" The announcer bows and fades into the backstage, and to steal the spotlight come the Komeiji sisters, two satori donning fashionable hats. One has her third eye sewed shut horribly.
"Hello, everyone." Satori bows.
"Hi!" Koishi giggles, and takes off her hat and hugs it against herself. "Hi, everyone! I'm in love."
Satori smiles drily. "Hi in love, I'm Satori." Her straight-faced delivery earns a few chuckles from the audience. Koishi winces and puts her hat back on with a little more force than necessary.
"That's a dumb name and you know it. It's embarrassing to associate myself with you."
"Well, I'm sorry." Some more people laugh. Koishi frowns in resolution, and points to the back of the crowd.
"YOU! YES, YOU! YOU LAUGH LIKE A GOAT!" Said audience member continues bleating. "PLEASE DON'T LAUGH! I FORGOT MY FISHING ROD AT HOME!"
Satori places a hand on Koishi's shoulder and whispers something.
"Yes, I know killing people is morally wrong and against your religion," Koishi says.
Mumble mumble.
"No, I did not mean that as a threat."
Whisper whisper.
"Yes, I would do it all again so I could spend a day fishing with Flandre."
Someone from the audience cheers. Koishi flashes them a thumbs up.
"No, we are not planning to end the world. We might do it now because you suggested... yes, that was a joke."
Mumble mumble.
"No, I don't want teriyaki takeout for lunch tomorrow! I'm tired of that!"
After that line, they both recompose themselves.
"Many of you are wondering if we have a script," Satori says, her third eye scanning the crowd. "We do not. I prepared a list of topics for replies to what I thought Koishi might say, but that is all. You are watching this unfold naturally."
"As in, not artificially."
"Yes, Koishi, thank you. I am not sure if that would make it more enjoyable or otherwise."
"Otherwise being, less enjoyable."
"Thank you. Your comments are very insightful."
"You are an awful tsukkomi." Satori looks at Koishi like she's grown a new head. The audience laughs. "...and very blunt."
"I can't lie."
"Lies are a conscious construct, yes."
"Teriyaki takeout is a conscious construct."
Satori is trying very hard not to laugh. "I suppose."
Koishi begins humming some tune. Satori clasps her hands together and clears her throat. "Koishi also prepared some jokes. These are her original material. Koishi?"
"My love life." The audience members look at each other, confused.
"That's the joke." Koishi smushes her mouth to the side. The audience snickers. "My girlfriend is a conscious construct."
"NO I'M NOT!" Yells a very angry vampire. The audience bursts out laughing. "KOISHI!"
"Yes?
"I'M REAL!"
"Are you?"
Flandre seems very confused. Then, with a huff, "PROBABLY, YEAH! I MEAN, I FEEL REAL!"
"You're real enough to me," Koishi says, smiling.
"I! YOU! ...you know I love you, right?"
Koishi beams. "Of course I do. You keep telling me that." The audience awww's.
"...good."
Koishi blows Flandre a kiss and winks in her general direction. Flandre blushes, and gets lost thinking about how and why vampires can blush.
"Koishi, I... was not aware of this," says Satori.
"There's no yokai men in Gensokyo. I have to make do with what I have."
"No. I am aware Gensokyo is not very heteronormative." Someone in the crowd yells, "ONE CONFESSION A DAY KEEPS GENSOKYO GAY!"
"I did not know you were in a relationship."
"I thought it was pretty obvious."
"YEAH! KOISHI TURNS INTO A LITERAL PUDDLE WHEN I'M WITH HER! I'M A REAL CASANOVA!" Flandre yells, and laughs heartily, as do many audience members. A shadow looms over Flandre. She slowly turns around, only to find--
--her sister!
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" Flandre crawls backwards.
"Do not invoke the Lord's name in vain, sinner!" Remilia brandishes a spellcard deck. "Three spellcards, outside, now!"
Flandre cackles. "Better clutch that pocket bible for good luck. Pray while you can, big sis!" Flandre arches her (non-)wings menacingly, and brandishes three spellcards. "PRAY WHILE YOU CAN!"
Remilia punches Flandre. She is sent flying through the ceiling, and Remilia takes off after her with a single, majestic beat of her wings. Many are the people flung to the far ends of the room. Swears of many tongues fly above, with as much density as the danmaku itself.
"KYU!"
Something explodes in the distance. Some debris falls in through the hole in the ceiling. Most are unfazed, and look on despite being head to toe covered in dust.
Satori is firmly holding Koishi's hand.
"We take full responsibility for the damage, and shall deal with it accordingly. The Prismrivers and their associates will receive adequate monetary compensation."
"Sure," Koishi says absent-mindedly, doing a one-woman light show with her right hand. Satori squeezes her hand. "Sorry," Koishi says, clearly not sorry at all. She frowns. Satori releases her and smiles apologetically at the crowd. Koishi walks off the stage, seemingly into the crowd, disappears, and reappears near the hole in the ceiling.
"Suppression - SuperEgo!"
A cloud of blue energy drowns out all light. The crowd stares at it, perplexed. Koishi falters mid-air, and falls. So do Remilia and Flandre. Satori has a most neutral expression.
"NUCLEAR FUSION!" Okuu flies in from the back of the audience, shredding a rock guitar. "CLEAN, POWERFUL ENERGY!" A choir of vengeful spirits comes in shortly after her, chanting "nuclear fusion" over and over.
Satori smushes her mouth to one side. "Have... have a good night, everyone. Thank you for coming."
Koishi sends off a single green heart in appreciation. It flies up just enough for the guest next to her to see, then fizzles out. As Satori is walking out, she drags Koishi by the ear to the exit. Okuu is currently doing a pretty metal solo that would make even the most stonefaced metalhead weep tears of joy.
The audience claps uncertainly.