Chapter Text
"boys today you'll meet your manager daehyun. he'll be here in a couple minutes. your old manager left permanently for personal reasons. i hope you guys will get close."
"another manager?" sunghoon whispered as the CEO left the room.
"this is like the fourth one since we debuted and they all left for 'personal' reasons. don't you think that's kind of strange?" jake replied.
sunghoon shrugged.
suddenly the door creaked open as a tall man entered the practise room. immediately, the boys bowed to their new manager.
the new manager was tall, handsome and could pass as an idol, "hello, i'm daehyun, 25 years old and your new manager. i hope we can get along well."
the members looked in awe as the handsome man introduced himself, his voice as sweet as honey.
the manager talked a bit with the members, wanting to get to know them first before enhypen started their dance practise so the manager could observe their skills. the choreographer sat on the side observing the boys proudly as they danced to future perfect. their comeback would be soon so the members were close to perfecting their choreo.
once the music ended the manager clapped impressed by their good work and let the boys go home.
a week passed, filled with dance practise, pre-recording and singing lessons and everything was going well. the members became slightly more stressed and anxious due to the comeback in three weeks.
it was just another ordinary dance practise, the choreographer cheering as they ended and could go home, but before that, the manager spoke, "jay could i speak to you quickly after practise?"
jay nodded, as the rest of the members and staff filed out of the room.
a moment of silence. there was a weird tension that jay couldn't put his head around. suddenly there was a tight grasp around his wrist so he couldn't run. it was so tight jay was sure it would leave a red mark with scattered finger nails across his pale arms.
"since there's a few weeks until comeback i want you to diet since it's better to start early. did you see how all the members were panting after practise and you were the only one looking not tired. it's because they're working harder. do you see how prominent their jw lines are, how slim they look? you need to blend in with them because right now you're sticking out. you don't want to be a burden right? your goal is 7kg in the next month. every kilo not lost is what the younger members have to pay for."
"don't bring the younger members into this," jay demanded, raising his voice and trying to escape from daehyun's grip, instead his skin was torn more by the long finger nails.
"not a word. after all, this is better for you and the whole team," the new manager smirked.
jay hated that smirk. that smirk of satisfaction.
"don't fucking say that. it's not healthy to lose that much."
SLAP.
a burning pain.
"LISTEN TO ME. you don't know the things i can do. after all, i have so much more power than you. hurry up and leave before i get youre precious niki between my fingers."
"you fucking monster."
jay ran out of the room. he hated the look of that guy. he never wanted to see daehyun again.
before jay debuted, he had a trainee friend who suffered from an eating disorder. he remembered the pain of seeing his best friend slimming so quickly without him noticing. jay never wants the members to see him in that state. but what else does he do? he didn't want to bring niki or any of the maknaes into this. he'd be the worst hyung.
and that's when he decided he would do it. for the beneficial part of it. jay was sure he wouldn't fall down the rabbit hole.
the following day, jay had woken up early like he normally did. then, he began to cook pancakes and fruit for his members. the tempting smell of pancakes filled the room and wafted through the air. jay popped one into his mouth, munching it down quickly before realising.
shit. his diet.
it was just one pancake right? one pancake couldn't harm him.
he moved the pancakes onto another table to resists him from taking any more. instead, he took a fruit from the fruit bowl and started washing and cutting it up for the members as a side, eating small slices along the way.
one by one the members started coming out, thanking jay for the meal and gulping it down. jay hid his jealous expression as he watched the members happily. this would be better for him right?
"jay-hyung, aren't you going to eat?" sunoo asked.
it was only him and sunoo left as all the members started getting ready for individual schedules.
"i already had some while i was cooking," jay said with a smile, "did you eat well?"
"yes, thanks hyung," sunoo said with a smile.
luckily jay's excuse wasn't too suspicious because jay couldn't help himself from eating while cooking on other days.
it was now time for jay's photoshoot. some of the other members were on variety shows and some of the other being at their own photoshoots.
"wow jay you're looking very..." pause, "healthy."
the stylist commented.
"thank you noona," jay had replied.
"are you on any diet or anything?" the lady asked suspiciously.
jay's mind was tangled in thoughts. she didn't really mean it right? she meant that jay should lose a few kilos right?"
"yes noona," he said simply before escaping the room.
the clothes jay had to wear were quite revealing. a partially see through top which was slightly too short and white cargo pants.
jay started shivering as the coldness from the windows hit his skin. it was so cold everyone else was covered in multiple layers. unconsciously, jay wrapped an arm around his waist.
click, click, click.
usually jay enjoyed photoshoots but something felt different now. maybe it was too boring now? maybe it was too cold? jay couldn't tell.
time passed by quite quickly from then. it was about 4pm.
jay thanked the photographers and staff before exiting the building.
lunch never came across his mind once until his stomach started growling on the way back to the dorms.
jay was used to eating large proportions of meat and salads. it explained why he'd be so hungry when he starts dieting and restricting.
"don't you remember what i said yesterday?" the manager simply replied, not turning around.
jay's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. it was scary how the manager did that.
as soon as jay got home the words of the stylist and his manager started swirling around his head. he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, pinching the low levels of fat on his skin already. maybe they're right. i'm not unhealthy but a little bit of dieting can't harm me right? jay thought to himself.
jay stepped on the weighing machine he found under the sink. the numbers started going up as jay waited in anticipation. 62.3kg.
embarassing.
most the other members were in the high 50's. no wonder the manager had put him on a diet.
jay felt sick looking at himself. he sat down on the cold bathroom floor, looking at pictures and fancams of the other members. their arms and legs were slim, sharp jawline but still prominent muscles just like the manager had said. on the other hand, jay was more on the bulkier side.
jay was doing this for himself right? he was never going to fall down the rabbit hole.
soon enough, another hour passed and jay was getting nowhere. he quickly showered under the steaming water. a knock before he could hear niki whining about how he was in there for too long. another knock and it was jungwon complaining about how hungry he was.
jay thought it was cute, "coming!!"
jay loved hearing the bickering, teasing and laughing coming from different parts of their dorms. his donsaengs were all so young and innocent. jay wanted to protect them forever. so from that moment onwards, jay decided he could do this. he would lose the weight for his precious dongsaengs.
at the dining table it was loud. he didn't even notice heeseung stealing a piece of steak off his plate.
"hey hyung! stop being so childish. you can't just steal jay-hyung's steak like that. it's unfair!" niki shouted across the table, his mouth full.
"ni-ki don't eat with your mouth open. it's okay there's still lots," jay said, transferring another piece of meat from his plate to niki's.
"hyung can i also have some of your meat?" jungwon asked quietly.
"of course, wonnie. next time i'll make more yeah. you guys seem to enjoy it," jay said, passing his meat to jungwon.
jay knew the other had struggled with eating in the past but luckily the other members were observant enough to stop their leader's problem from getting too bad.
soon enough, the noise started dying down as members left to go do their own thing. sunoo, sunghoon and heeseung went to go play games, jungwon and niki went to go watch a horror movie.
"are you going to eat that?" jake asked in english.
jay shook his head as he moved the plate towards jake.
"are you sure mate?" jake asked hesitantly, "did you at least at a big lunch?"
"yeah, you can ask manager nim if you don't believe me," jay said as at that exact time, a stressed looking daehyun came from the bathroom.
jake looked towards daehyun, "did he hyung?"
"yeah he ate a lot," the manager simply said, "i'm sorry boys but i really have to go, i'll see you guys tomorrow for schedules."
jake said goodbye to the manager before jay offered his plate again to the younger.
"see, you heard the manager," jay said in english.
"fine, but make sure you eat a heavy breakfast tomorrow."
"of course," jay smiled.
and that's how jay was left at the table to finish his vegetables. he didn't regret giving his band mates his food. after all, they looked so happy.
for the first time, jay was running late. he didn't have time to cook for the members, each of them eating cereal or yoghurt instead.
of all days it had to be today, when they had a long session of dance practise.
dance practise felt as if it would last forever, fog started appearing on the windows, and light pants echoed through the room.
jay's legs felt as if they were to crumble. he was drenched with sweat and breathing loudly trying to inhale as much oxygen as he could. "hey mate, are you okay? you look pale," jake asked the older.
"yeah, just woke up late. still a bit out of it," jay said.
"okay then be careful," jake said as he walked over to sunghoon, jay nodding in reply.
jay's heart started racing as his legs shook even more. he felt as if he would collapse at any moment. did he have enough energy? what did he even eat? now that jay recalls it, within the last 24 hours he's had 1 pancake and a salad. jay woudn't have even counted it as a full meal if he wasn't dieting.
a week passed and jay kept on forgetting he had to diet. he would constantly eat as usual and feel guilty for forgetting about the consequences that await. the words i'll start tomorrow pass by but never come.
jay slowly stepped on the weighing machine. they had to go for their monthly check-ups. jay was scared about the numbers that would appear before him. he had to be around 60 if he wanted to achieve his goal. the numbers went up, ticking towards the 60's. 61.9kg.
not enough. it was not enough to save his maknaes. the lady smiled at him, "you're healthy, thank you."
jay wasn't sure if 'healthy' was the correct word anymore.
monthly check-ups were something most the members didn't enjoy. after all, what really was the point of them. yet, they still had to plaster a smile on their faces as they were to film an en-o-clock episode.
this time they would be filming about mbtis, something viral in korea at the moment. luckily there wasn't anything physical to it. jay knew he probably could also get away with not speaking much as most the time it would be small commentaries and actually taking the quiz.
that's why, a week later when the episode came out, jay did not expect all the comments to be about why he was so quiet. hopefully the members would run out of time and not check the video.
restricting junk foods turned into skipping a single meal to multiple meals and using protein shakes and fruit as a supplement as jay didn't like the slow process of his weight loss. at the earlier rate, he would never made it in time.
"get up," the choreographer shouted, making the boy slip back into reality.
just another long dance practise. the choregrapher turned on the music as the members went on and on and danced to the rhythm. hard footwork, arms sharp, facial expressions.
2 hours. a whole dance marathon, the music blasted on repeat. jay's legs felt like it was about to collapse beneth him. he regretted only eating an orange for lunch, knowing he had a long dance practise. luckily, the choreographer paused the music and clapped in satisfaction.
the other members panted as they rushed to the sides of the room, almost collapsing themselves. jay could feel his hip bones burning, his lungs trying to grasp more oxygen, his eyes blurry, starting to see two of everything in the room. the boy swayed side to side, slowly making his way over to the bench.
jay was numb. he couldn't feel anything. he had blocked out everything. he didn't even hear when heeseung asked if he was alright. not even when the creaky door opened he didn't notice.
suddenly jay felt something, someone, touch his arm. he tried to move away a bit but relaxed realising it was just heeseung.
"jay sit down, you look exhausted," the older boy said worriedly.
look you even made heeseung worry.
jay gulped down his small bottle of water, "I'm going to fill up my bottle quickly."
"okay! dance practise is over already anyways."
it was? jay didn't notice. in fact the boy could barely remember the last runs through the dance he was that exhausted.
as jay was about to exit the room, a hand met with his own, "let's talk."
jay didn't hesitate at first until he heard his voice. daehyun's.
once they were out of the room, daehyun's grip got stronger, "you're worrying your members too much. suck it up because heeseung is going through the same diet and you don't see him on the verge of passing out because he cares for his dongsaengs. he doesn't want them to be worried."
now that jay thinks of it. heeseung hasn't changed much. he really is doing a good job at hiding it.
jay decides to spectate heeseung more. as the other members order take out, he watches as heeseung eats nothing but a smoothie.
jay thinks to himself he needs to do better. he wants to be just as good as heeseung. the hyung that everybody looks up to. and that's when jay started becoming competitive about his sickness. was he really doing this just for himself? he was certain.
he stepped on the scale. the glowing numbers flashed and blinded his eyes. 60.5kg. about 1.5kg in a week. better but could still be less. his goal was 55kg after all.
he was still in the 60's. and that's how jay thought that his condition wasnt as bad as it truly was. key word, thought.
the following night was a day off. a company party. even the manager told jay he could quit dieting for that day but jay knew better than that. he wanted to do this for himself after all. he wanted to look ebtter. slimer. like the rest of the team so he could finally fit in.
the boy stood awkwardly on the side of the party. occasionally greeting other idols with a shy hello. very unlike jay.
"jay hyung is acting weird," sunghoon slurred.
"what do you mean?" sunoo asked.
he himself had witnessed some of jay's weird acts recently but brushed it off since it was a one time occasion.
"he's always so social, getting drunk and stuffing himself until he can't anymore but haven't you noticed how he's just standing in the side, wanting to go home?"
"he's acting so strange recently. I saw him murmuring the calories in some vegetable chips," jake entered the conversation suddenly.
"hyungs don't you feel like this is all so weird. shouldn't we tell jungwon?"
"jay's probably just tired and anxious about the comeback. he'll loosen up once we start promotions. he's never been like this before so it's probably a one time thing," jake replied.
sunoo nodded hesitantly.
1 week, 3 days. the time he had left to lose 5kg. jay's schedule was filled with workout, practise, workout, practise. no break whatsoever. could this manager get any crueler. but jay knew this was for his good. right?
the boy punched his skin again as he looked in the mirror. there was still 'fat' he needed to get rid of. his arms, his legs, his stomach, his everywhere. jay was frustrated. why couldn't he be like them. he wasn't perfect yet. not perfect like heeseung or any of the other members.
jay watched earlier that morning as heeseung has a large bowl or chocolate cereal. he wondered how the older could eat that stuff and still not gain weight. jay admitted, he was jealous.
he decided to run an extra mile, lift an extra kilo and spend an extra hour in the dance practise room until he was almost drop dead.
as soon as he got home his first thought. scale.
he watched the numbers go up and up, stopping at 59.7kg. still not good enough. jay accidentally scratched his skin in frustration. he would never make the goal on time.
jay: meet me outside the dorms now.
-read
"what do you want," the man rolled his eyes.
"I can't make the target in time. you're ridiculous. you menacing bitch," jay attempted to kick the taller man.
daehyun held onto jay's ankle, resisting the urge to push him onto the ground. he had schedules tomorrow so daehyun would not dare.
"you're going to have to. or the other members will suffer."
"you can't do this."
"well I can. I'm your manager and you do as I say. last warning pretty boy," daehyun said as he pushed jay's chest with his index finger, harsh enough to make him stumble back a little.
daehyun chuckled, "see how weak you are."
jay gulped. was he right?
the younger avoided eye contact. jay contemplated telling another member. this was getting out of hand and jay didn't want to deal with it anymore. jay didn't want to become one of them and it sounded selfish but jay was fucking done.
but at the same time, what if the members don't believe him? daehyun is the last person anyone would suspect to make jay in this state. the older boy was nice, friendly, cheerful, sweet and last but not least, fake. but the last word only jay knew.
"the pills," said.
"what?!"
"you know what I'm talking about."
daehyun smirked, "finally giving in? took you long enough I told you I only wanted the best for you. you saw how the members were so proud yesterday?"
- flashback -
jay rubbed his hand up and down his right arm nervously. there was another group photoshoot for a company that enjoyed their visuals and name. they had put jay in yet another hot outfit that defined his features well.
the boy bit his lip, looking himself up and down in the mirror. as soon as he opened the curtain it went silent, all eyes on him.
"WOAHHH JAY LOOKS SO COOL!" the enhypen members shouted out.
"look at his body," jungwon said as he playfully rubbed jay's figure, making the older boy laugh.
"aish I was expecting more when the company said he had a nice body," he heard the photographer whisper.
jay gulped as he got into his position, ready to get his photos taken.
"your eyes look too drowsy. where's the facial expressions you're good for," the photographer commented again.
jay bit his lip harder. how humiliating. first he didn't get his body right. secondly the only thing he was good at he couldn't even do?! how pathetic.
"did you see how the photographer commented about you earlier? that's how everybody sees you as. take these pills."
"are you trying to drug me or what," jay answered with sass.
"I'm not that evil. they're weight loss pills."
jay starred at the pills in awe. the temptation crept up his hand before pushing his headspace to somewhere else. he still needed to lose weight in a healthy way, "no thanks."
- end of flashback -