Chapter Text
‘ What happened to V?’
‘Where is BTS?’
‘Is Kim Taehyung okay?’
‘Is BTS disbanding?’
‘Can’t BTS handle the Idol-life?’
‘Has Kim Taehyung left BTS?’
‘Is the Maknae-line okay?’
‘Where is BTS now?’
That was only a few of the thousands of questions floating around on various social medias. Namjoon knew he shouldn’t be reading any of it but he couldn’t stop.
He’d called his father.
“I’m doing alright”, he’d said and an awkward silence had followed. Neither of his parents had ever been interested in his life; as long as they knew he did well, they would trust it and would never ask any follow up questions. Namjoon was used to it. “Is mom okay?” he’d asked too.
“She is.”
“Oh, good… good…”
Not much more had been said; his father was a man of few words. Extremely few words.
Namjoon had been staring at the black screen of his phone for many minutes after he’d hung up. His heart had been vibrating painfully. Tears had been stinging in his eyes.
Mom. Dad. They hadn’t been the best parents, but they were still his parents. And he did miss them. A lot.
His father hadn’t changed much since he debuted; but his mother had. She’d become kinder, and prouder too. She liked when he sent her money so she could buy nice things to brag about to her friends and neighbours.
“It’s from my son! He’s a great artist! An idol!”
She avoided to mention the word ‘rapper’.
“What a generous and sweet son!” the neighbours would say. “You raised him well!”
Yeah, Namjoon thought with bitterness, of course she would get the credit.
Namjoon burrowed his head in his pillow. If only it was possible to suffocate oneself. The rapper didn’t want to do that, he was just feeling overdramatic and sad at the moment.
A knock on the door. “Come in”, he groaned without letting his head up. The door opened.
“Joon-ah.” It was Hobi. “How are you?”
Namjoon forced his tired body to sit up. The bunkbed was squeaking a little. It was old and Jin and he had been talking about getting new beds. Not a bunkbed but two singles; that would be nice – the day they had time and energy. A day that felt like it would never come.
“I’m okay”, he answered Hobi’s question. “And you?”
“Alright, I guess.”
Hobi took a seat next to Namjoon.
“How’s Yoongi?” Namjoon asked; because those two were sharing a bedroom. Hobi just shrugged his shoulders. It was difficult to say. Their Hyung had been sleeping all day, and it was mostly Jin who’d taken care of his fever and his wounds.
“Is he better than yesterday?” Namjoon asked, hoping. Two days ago when they’d left the hospital; Yoongi had seemed quite alright considering what he’d been through just a few hours prior. A bad fever had hit him during that night though, and yesterday, he’d been throwing up everything other than water. He’d been confused too and asked for people none of them had ever heard of before. He’d also asked Jin if he was proud of him.
“Are you, Hyung?” he’d said with a scratchy voice when Jin hadn’t answered due to the surprise caused by the first question. Never had Jin, and not Namjoon either, who were the only one present with them at that moment, thought that Yoongi cared about whether Jin was proud of him or not.
“Of course I’m proud of you, Yoonie, I’ve always been”, Jin had said and had gently stroked Yoongi’s forehead. The rapper had been boiling hot and soaking wet with sweat.
Namjoon was wondering if Yoongi was going to remember that moment. He was quite out of it.
“Is he still confused?” Namjoon asked and Hobi shrugged his shoulders again.
“He has bad nightmares”, he admitted with a frown in concern. “His screaming and crying woke me up more than once this night; I was thinking of sleeping on the sofa, but I didn’t want to leave him alone either if he were to get worse.”
Namjoon nodded; he understood.
“Namjoon-ah?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m angry”, Hobi confessed and he could immediately feel how his heart got a bit lighter.
“Why?” Namjoon asked a bit confused; because he wasn’t feeling even the slightest of anger, not even if he tried. He didn’t feel much other than sadness at the moment. Almost as if he were grieving; although he had no one to grieve. It was a horrible feeling.
“Choi Dongil”, he spoke the name that had made their bodies shiver in fear just thinking of for so many years. “He hurt us so badly, and his punishment is resignation”.
“Bang PD said that as long as Yoongi doesn’t want to report him, there is nothing none of us can do”, Namjoon said. “We can only hope he wants to do it as fast as his fever is down.”
Hobi nodded; he really hoped because it would be unfair to let the man go scot-free. “This world is wrong.”
“It is what it is”, Namjoon said and got up on his feet. “You just have to accept it… or write a song about it…”
Hobi thought about it. That wasn’t a bad idea actually. He too stood up. “I will go do it now!” and he rushed away. Namjoon smiled a little; perhaps he should try to do it himself – write. He had millions of thoughts that he needed to untangle… but for another day… he quickly realized that he was too tired to even open his laptop. Instead, he let himself fall back to his pillow again. Perhaps a nap would cure his fatigue. He could only hope…
Hobi rushed passed Jin who was just leaving the living room.
“Why in such a hurry?” he asked confused but the rapper didn’t answer him. He probably barely noticed him. Jin let out a sigh and continued through the corridor and to the kitchen. It was soon lunch time but Jin was feeling lazy and didn’t want to cook anything. He wasn’t angry either. The Maknaes were probably going to live on snacks anyway, and if Hobi and Namjoon were hungry they could warm up some instant noodles.
Jin took a seat at the kitchen table and looked out of the window. He saw the many tall buildings that in a way could be considered his neighbours. There were thousands of apartments all around him and he didn’t know a single one of them. His aunt and uncle would shake their heads; they were living in the countryside with a big strawberry and melon farm. They knew everybody.
Jin sucked on his lower lip when he thought of his family. He hadn’t called his parents yet, but he knew he had to. They’d called twice yesterday, but he’d ignored them both times, because he’d been too tired and too busy taking care of Yoongi.
They must wonder what was going on; especially because he knew his mother often listened to gossips about them. She always said it was important to be aware of what was going on – it was good she didn’t know what Twitter and Tumblr were.
Many Armys wanted to know what was going on too. Jin wished he could tell them not to worry but Bang PD had told all the members not to be active on any of their social medias. It was difficult not to be but they couldn’t disobey their CEO. They must wait until everything had calmed down.
Jin hated to wait.
He picked up his phone from his jeans’ pocket. It was time to take the bull by the horns and call them. He’d missed them a lot lately; and he longed to meet them… but this phone call… it was nothing he looked forward to. There was so much he had to explain, and he knew that what he had to say would make them sad and worried. He didn’t like the thought of that, but there was so much in life he didn’t like the thought of that he had to do anyway.
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. His parents were kind people; they’d always loved him but… there was always a but… Jin hated ‘buts’ and especially in this case; because through his entire life, his parents had been seeing him as nothing but a mediocre child not worth hoping anything great from. A hopeless case almost; always overshadowed by his so much more successful brother. They were always so proud of Seokjoong; but Jin? Never.
It was often difficult for Jin to remember that all of that changed when he became a trainee. Since the day he got that phone call from BigHit, his parents had been extremely supporting. They’d even given him money regularly for food and other necessities the first few years so he could focus on his career without worrying about anything else. Jin must admit that he never really got used to this; it had been a side of them that before only was reserved for his Hyung.
Their sudden belief in him and their sudden support had brought up a fear in Jin though, a fear that kept him on edge whenever he was to talk to his parents. He was terrified he was going to disappoint them and prove to them that they were right to not believe he could achieve greatness – that he wasn’t anything but mediocre; someone who picked and sold strawberries from his uncle’s farm. It wasn’t a bad job; but it wasn’t a job his mother could brag about either. And boy, did his mother loved to brag?!
It wasn’t too hard of a call anyway, was it? At least he tried to tell himself that. The only thing he really had to say was that he was going to meet up with both a psychiatrist and a therapist tomorrow. It was his very first two appointments, and they both were just after each other in the same building – one at 8:45AM and the other at 9:30AM.
He hoped to get some pills that could help him with his sleep. That was what he was mostly interested in; he had no idea what else he was supposed to do there. Talk? He wasn’t sure he had anything to say. He didn’t think he had any traumas like Taehyung did. He didn’t do any self-harm to himself either, like Jungkook and Jimin, so there wasn’t really anything to say.
Jin sank deeper in his chair.
He could only hope he wasn’t going to make his parents disappointed by telling them all of this. If judging from his hard pounding heart; he wasn’t too optimistic.
Jin sat up properly again and took another deep breath before dialling their home phone.
Everything was quiet except for the beep—beep—beep.
Strange, it was Saturday and still no one was home? Jin thought a bit surprised; because there was always someo…
“Mom, it’s me”, Jin said when he suddenly heard his mother’s voice on the other end. He could imagine her taking a seat on the white leather sofa in their living room. Perhaps she was holding a women’s magazine or a cup with yuja tea.
“Oh my god, Seokjin-ah, we’ve been so worried”, she sounded very relieved. It was obvious she’d heard the many rumours about them. “We’ve tried to reach you but you didn’t answer.”
“I’m sorry, mom, it’s been… a lot…”, Jin let out a sigh because this was going to be harder than he thought, and he’d already expected it to be hard enough as it was already.
“Tell me, sweetie, what happened? I heard about Taehyung, is he okay? Aigoo, my son, you have to tell me!”
“He’s alright, it was just… he wasn’t feeling very well but he’s feeling much better now”, Jin cringed at himself when he realized he was already stretching the truth. He’d preferred to prevent lying as much as he possibly could by avoiding bringing up most of the things that had been going on. He had to remember to just tell her the most relevant without going into too many details. Too many details were the last thing his gossiping mother needed; he couldn’t disappoint Bang PD.
“I’m glad he’s doing better”, she said; her voice was always so soft and sweet sounding. “Oh, sweetie, I’ve been so worried for you, you haven’t called for weeks.”
“I’m sorry, mom”, Jin murmured and rubbed his eyes. “I’ve just been very busy.”
“I understand”, she sounded genuine. “You don’t sound well, my son, I hope you’re not working to your grave; you know your father almost did… twice…”
“I know mom, don’t worry, I’m okay, I’m only a bit tired”, he assured her. “I do have something I need to tell you that will explain it all.”
“Yeah? What?” she was yet again sounding worried.
“Is dad home?”
“Yes, he is fixing the front gate now finally; I almost died of shame when Choonhee and Jungeun came to visit last weekend, we almost didn’t manage to open it because it’s so bent; so now you see, Seokjin-ah, that’s what happens when you and your brother don’t listen and instead keep hanging on it.”
“It is an old door though”, Jin murmured; he just had to point it out. The front gate was basically just an iron door to get through the little yard and into their house. When growing up, Jin and his Hyung were very often using the door as a swing, which drove their mother crazy. They hadn’t done it in over ten years, but it wouldn’t surprise Jin if his mother was going to keep scolding him for it for the rest of her life.
“Can you go get dad? It’s something I need to tell you both”, Jin explained when she was done rambling about all the embarrassment the front gate had caused her.
“Of course, I’ll go get him right away”, she said and a couple of minutes later, they were both gathered around the phone speaker. It warmed Jin’s heart to hear them both; he hadn’t met them since last Christmas. That was basically one year ago. Too long ago.
“Hi, son, how are you?” his father asked. Jin told him that things were okay but then he went all quiet. Thirty seconds that more felt like many minutes passed before his father spoke again: “Your mother told me there was something you wanted to tell us.”
Jin felt a very uneasy feeling in his stomach. Why was telling them the truth so hard? It shouldn’t need to be! And still the words didn’t come out no matter how much he tried.
“I…”
“You?” his mother asked.
“I… I love you”, he managed to say with a thick voice. No answer. Jin’s heart started to pump harder and he was getting more nervous. Why didn’t they say anything?
“Mom…?”
“Oh, sweetie”, his mother said as if she’d been freed from under silence spell; she sounded even more worried now. “Tell us what’s going on? Do you want your father to come?”
“Yeah, I can come if you need help with something?” his father sounded surprisingly enthusiastic to come. Jin didn’t like that idea; BigHit wanted them to lay low and not tell anyone what was going on. If his father came to visit, it would be obvious for him that there were a lot more to the story than what Jin was allowed to admit. He didn’t like to lie to his parents; it wasn’t who he was, so if his father would start asking more questions after seeing what kinds of conditions they all were in, Jin would probably end up telling him exactly everything. That would mean he would break his promise to his CEO, and breaking promises is not who he was either. He would feel awfully guilty.
“No, no”, he answered a little too quickly. He didn’t mean to sound ungrateful. “I-I-I, I do appreciate the offer but no”, he let out a sigh; this didn’t go well. “It’s nothing…”, wait, of course it was more than nothing, it would be a lie to claim it wasn’t. “I mean, it is but I… I’m just…” Aish, this was going horrible. He didn’t want to disappoint them or make them worried but his wavering back and forth was probably not helping.
“Oh, Jinie, we’re here if you need us”, his mother said even softer than normal and Jin smiled.
“Do you need money?” his father asked.
“No, I don’t, I… I’m… I have money”, he said. “But I do have something to confess.”
“What have you done?” his mother sounded surprised.
“No, mom, I haven’t done anything”, he hurried to say; please, have some faith in him. “I just… please, don’t be worried now but I have an appointment with a therapist.”
“A what?” his mother sounded almost shocked this time. Jin’s heart fell and his body went cold because he could already tell she wasn’t liking what she was hearing.
“A therapist”, he still repeated himself although he knew they’d both heard him.
“But why, sweetie? You? A therapist? No”, his mother sounded like she was in denial.
Jin squirmed a little; this wasn’t at all fun to admit, even less now when he knew it wasn’t going to be received well.
“I’m struggling a little with anxiety”, he murmured.
“But do you really need a therapist for that?” his mother asked. “I can find some good herbal tea that can help you with your nerves; and I can get you some essential oils too, ylang-ylang and lavender, oh and…”
“Mom, please”, Jin had to interrupt her; because he didn’t want to hear. Each word made his heart heavier. “You don’t have to make it sound like talking to a therapist is something bad.”
“Well, it’s definitely not good, is it, Seokjin-ah?”
Jin swallowed thickly when he heard what she said. This was exactly what he’d expected so why was he getting upset? Of course they would be disappointed in him; how stupid he was to even have the smallest of hope that they wouldn’t. Tears immediately started stinging in the corner of his eyes.
“Son, it’s okay”, his father spoke but his mother seemed to disagree.
“What if this gets out? This can ruin his career! It can ruin everything!” she was very much upset.
“Please mom”, Jin was trying not to show in his voice how much he was hurting. “My superiors know about this already.”
“But you aren’t planning on telling other people about this, are you?” she asked almost accusingly and Jin suppressed a sigh.
“No, I wasn’t planning on doing that, no.”
“Good, let this stay a private matter”, his mother said but then she seemed to get further away from the speaker. “Aigoo, I need to go lay down; I’ll talk to you another time.”
It felt like as if a knife just went through Jin’s heart.
“You have to understand your mother”, his father sounded tired. “She’s just worried.”
About our family’s reputation, yes, Jin didn’t say it out loud.
“You know how she is sometimes”, his father kept talking.
“I’m sorry I keep disappointing you”, Jin murmured, it was getting more difficult talking. A lump was growing bigger and bigger in his throat and his eyes were getting blurrier and blurrier with tears.
“You haven’t disappointed us, son, you’ve made us very proud and you’re still making us proud every day”, his father was speaking gently and slowly, seemingly wanting the words to sink in in his son.
“But mom…”
“Aish, she’ll come around”, his father’s tone of voice changed. “So what if you need to talk to a therapist, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”
Jin wasn’t sure anymore.
“Hey, my son, don’t be sad now”, the man said. “You’re growing up to be a good man, just keep thriving.”
Jin nodded his head although his father couldn’t see him. He was going to do his very best to be better. “I promise.”