Chapter Text
The summer rain was falling on the windows.
“Halmoni”, Taeyhungie looked up at his grandma with big curious eyes.
Halmoni was a hardworking woman and very traditional. He’d barely seen her in anything other than Hanboks and she loved to cook and play gayageum. She loved to sing too and she would sing with Taehyung. Always.
“Yes?” she said while admiring the painting in front of them. They were at an art exhibition in downtown Geochang.
Taehyungie put a finger on his lower lip. “Why is the sky pink?”
The painting. A lake could be seen under a big, beautiful pink sky. There was something so very harmonic about it. A sailing boat in the horizon could be seen too.
“Pink can symbolize a lot of things”, halmoni said with a warm smile. “Innocence, tenderness, honesty, a promise that everything will be okay. It’s an invitation of happiness and romance and a possibility of healing.”
“Healing?” Taehyungie tilted his head, confused.
“Yes.”
“Healing from what?” he asked.
“Inner pain, perhaps”, halmoni suggested and put her wrinkly hand on her chest where her heart was. Taehyungie frowned.
“I don’t understand.”
“You will”, she assured him. “When you’re older.”
“I’m already nine, halmoni”, Taehyugnie hurried to say and put his hands on his hips. “Isn’t that old enough?”
“Oh, my dear child.” Halmoni opened her arms and gave him a warm hug. “I believe your color is pink.”
“Really?” Taehyungie wasn’t at all convinced. “Why?”
“Because of everything it symbolizes”, she answered but he shook his head.
“I like purple better”, he said and was let go from her gentle hug.
“You do, don’t you? Purple is a nice colour too”, halmoni must admit.
Taehyungie nodded and looked back at the painting. “The lake is pink too.”
“Because of the reflection.”
Taehyungie nodded again; he knew that.
He turned around and saw the sunshine through the window. The rain wasn’t falling anymore. Summer was back. He still kept his red hoodie on; it was cozy.
They went up to next painting. A yellow puppy; it almost looked like a little bear. Taehyungie liked bears almost as much as he liked dogs; so this painting was his favorite.
“Can’t we have a dog?” he asked, his voice filled with hope.
“Oh gosh, what would Yipu say?”
Yipu was their cat. So very old and lazy. Blacker than black with the most yellow eyes. Taehyungie couldn’t see why Yipu would care; she never cared about anything.
Taehyungie looked back at the yellow puppy in the painting. It looked so lonely on the meadow. It deserved a friend.
“To all of our guests”, a woman in a yellow summer dress called out. “For those who are interested; we will soon begin a quiz walk.”
A quiz walk? Taehyungie started shining as bright as the sun in the window.
“Halmoni”, he said eagerly. “Let’s play?
“Oh”, halmoni was still smiling, but she seemed a little hesitant. “I don’t know, Taehyugnie.”
“Please”, he said with big puppy eyes. “Play with me?”
Halmoni put her hand on the boy’s head.
“Play with me!” Taehyungie said more playful this time.
“Oh, well, why not?” she finally gave in and offered her hand, which Taehyungie took. Together they found their way to the start of the quiz walk. There weren’t too many people participating.
They took a paper and a pen each and started walking around the big yard of green trees and colorful flowers. The sun kept shining on them. The birds were singing. They were laughing. Taehyungie loved to spend time with his grandmother.
“Who was the Republic of Korea’s first president?” Taehyungie read one of the questions. “1. Roh Moo-Hyun 2. Rhee Syngman or 3. Park Chung-Hee… hm…”, Taehyungie thought long and hard about it; before shouting out: “I know! It’s number one!”
“Oh, dear child”, halmoni chuckled. “That’s our current president.”
“Oh.”
Halmoni helped him by writing number 2 on her own paper, which he then copied. They were a good team.
They continued their walk.
At question nine of twelve, a man called for them. A stranger. He sounded so polite but Taehyungie got nervous. Why was his face so blurry?
Taehyungie wasn’t sure how to feel and therefore glanced over to his grandmother.
“Who are you?” halmoni asked and the man introduced himself as nothing but ‘Junghwan’.
“Your son wants to see him”, he said with a soft smile and nodded at Taehyungie.
Taehyungie quickly turned his attention to this Jungwhan again. His heart started to beat too hard. What was he saying?
“Hey, boy”, the man crouched down in front of Taehyungie. No, seriously, why was his face so blurry? “You’re a good boy, yeah?” he asked. “You want to see your appa, don’t you?”
Taehyungie took a step back. He hadn’t seen his father in three years, and he wasn’t interested in meeting him anytime soon. Not after everything he’d done to his mother and sister.
Her voice was still echoing in his head. So ice cold. So full of pain. ‘YOU FUCKING SWINE! I’M SO FUCKING TIRED OF YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING! GO KILL YOURSELF!’
“No”, Taehyungie says with a headshake.
“Come now, boy, you can’t be ungrateful to your appa”, the man said, sounding a bit impatient this time.
“He hasn’t sent us any money, he hasn’t visited the boy in years”, halmoni said with anger Taehyungie had never heard before. “He hasn’t even picked up the phone once! Why did he send you? Why isn’t he here if he wants to see the child so badly?”
The man sighed and stood up. “He’s in Seoul right now, and he wants Taehyung to come.”
“If he so badly wants Taehyung, he has to come himself.” She wasn’t afraid to stare the man in his dark eyes. “I’m not going to hand him over to a stranger!”
The man looked offended to be called a stranger. “I’m a good friend to…”
“I don’t care, now, leave us!” she interrupted him. “Tell that useless son of mine that if he wants to see his son, he has to come, not send one of his good friends!”
Taehyung looked at his grandmother in awe; she had spit out the last two words in disgust.
“You can’t keep his own son away from him.”
“Are you deaf?” halmoni was the one to be offended this time. “I tell you to go, haven’t your mother taught you any respect?”
The man gave her the fakest of smiles. “Dear Ahjumoni…”, he said.
“How dare you call me that?” she interrupted him again. “Leave now! Before I get angry!”
The man sighed again and turned back to Taehyungie with that fake smile. It was still, somehow, very blurry. “Ah, sweet boy”, he said. “Your appa is in Seoul! Do you know what else there is in Seoul?”
Taehyungie furrowed his eyebrows; he didn’t like this man. Why didn’t he just leave them alone? They didn’t want him here.
Frustration grew, because he had so much fun, and now halmoni was angry and none of them had fun.
“Seoul Children’s Grand Park”, the man answered his own question when Taehyungie didn’t say anything. “And they have roller coasters and even a zoo with a lot of fun animals.”
“Halmoni told you to go, so go!” Taehyungie shouted and kicked the man’s leg as hard as he could.
“AH! You brat!” the man cried out in pain. He raised his hand and Taehyungie felt the pain before he could react to anything else. He lost his balance and fell to the ground, a bit dizzy. What happened?
The man took a step forward and new pain hit Taehyungie when he was kicked in his back.
Halmoni was screaming while trying to stop the man from doing any more harm. She was a strong old lady, but not strong enough. The man pushed her aside easily. Taehyungie watched in horror when she stumbled backwards and fell to the ground too.
The man scoffed. “Fucking uncivilized farmers”, he muttered and turned around. He noticed a few people had stopped to watch. He scoffed again and suddenly; he was gone.
Tears were falling on Taehyungie’s cheeks, the pain was bad but he didn’t care about that. He wanted to know if he’s dear halmoni was okay. She was so old.
“Halmoni?” he whispered. Two women hurried to help them. An older man was soon there too, and then a younger couple and an older lady. Everyone was talking at the same time. Asking, grabbing, stressing. Taehyungie wasn’t sure what to focus on. Too much was going on. Buzzing and clicking, and footsteps everywhere.
Feathers.
Taehyung shut his eyes and put his hands over his ears. Someone grabbed him again, wanting him to get up on his feet. No, no, no, no, he tried to say but he couldn’t.
His heart was pounding. He was so confused. Too many people, too many sounds, too much of everything. Too much pain too.
“Listen, sweet child”, halmoni suddenly said softly. “Breathe, everything is okay, remember the pink sky”, she said in his ear. “It promises that everything will be okay, do you hear me? Everything will be okay. It promises happiness and a possibility of healing.”
“Healing”, Taehyungie murmured and put his hand on his chest where his heart was. Inner pain. He was going to remember the pink sky; he promised with a nod.
He started to think about the other painting as well. Of the little puppy; who looked so much like a little yellow bear. It too needed a friend.
Taehyung looked up. He was laying on the floor in black leather pants and an equally black leather jacket. He frowned and turned around on his stomach and eyed his surroundings. A lot of feet were passing by. He was still in the waiting room; did this mean they hadn’t gotten up on stage yet? He couldn’t remember, but he remembered something else instead. A memory he’d thought was forever forgotten. Halmoni had hugged him tight for the rest of the evening that day over eleven years ago.
And his father? He never came.
Taehyung shut his eyes again. His brain was too thick and too empty at the same time, if that made sense. It was chaos and it didn’t feel much better even though the days kept rushing…
… It had been chaos inside of Namjoon’s head as well for a week now. It all started when he realized he’d made the exact same mistake he’d already made twice before. His manager had turned out to be just as much of a disappointment as his father had been, and as much of a disappointment as Sungho had been. This was worse though, so much worse; because the two first times, it had only hurt himself… but this time; it’d hurt his entire team. His Hyungs and his dongsaengs.
A simple sorry would never cut it. He’d said sorry too many times before already, and still, he’d gathered them all and said those words again:
“I’m sorry.”
It usually made him feel easier in his heart, but he should’ve known better.
“I trusted our manager when I shouldn’t have”, he admitted back at home, but still, he didn’t feel better.
They all said it was okay, although Jimin looked confused.
“And one last thing”, Namjoon said. “From now on, he won’t touch you before talking to Jin-Hyung first.”
“What?” They were confused, and in awe when Jin explained everything for them.
“So we’re allowed to call him a bastard now?” Taehyung asked and nervously glanced at Jin.
No one should call anyone a bastard; they still had to remember that even though he’d been less than kind to them; he was still their Hyung and their manager.
“We still have to remember our place”, Namjoon reminded them, and Yoongi hung his head as if the word had struck him. The leader wasn’t sure what that was about but decided he wasn’t going to go there. Trying to help Yoongi with his feelings was like jumping into the fire with your clothes drenched in gasoline.
Namjoon wished he wasn’t scared to jump into the fire though; and he yet again cursed his young age that made it almost impossible for him to be that great leader he so very much wished to be.
But he wasn’t sad; not at the moment at least. Namjoon had tried out his own theory and it appeared successful.
Especially one evening during their dinner.
“Jimin-ah, you don’t need to tell me why you’re so angry if you don’t want to, but if you ever feel like talking, I will shut up and listen”, he said one evening after Jimin had stormed off because the food was too much for him to handle.
“You’re not going to whip me for shouting and cursing at you all?” Jimin asked pitifully and hugged himself tighter where he was curled up in the corner of his bed.
“I should but I won’t, I just want to hear the reason to why you are so angry, but like I said, if you don’t feel ready, you don’t have to”, Namjoon answered with a weak smile. “But remember, we can’t help you if you keep quiet. If you want, you can write it down on a paper or on the iPad, if talking is too hard.”
“What’s wrong, Hyung?”
“What?” Namjoon didn’t fully understand his dongsaeng’s question. It wasn’t he who was sad and angry.
“You’ve tried this once before, you know?” Jimin said and pushed himself up on his feet. “You’ve already tried to be a leader who listens and understands, but you never get it, so how can I believe you’re going to listen and understand now? Hyung, I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just being honest. What has changed from now to then?” Jimin waited for a slap to come his way, or a scolding, or anything, but Namjoon just stood there, motionless, staring at him as if he hadn’t just been criticized by his own dongsaeng. What was going on?
Jimin didn’t try to relax just yet. He thought he knew when he’d crossed the line, but the line seemed to have been moved. It was very unsettling and confusing. He needed to find Namjoon’s limits again.
“You see…”, Jimin said but changed his mind. “I mean, you know just as well as I know that before I’ve finished this sentence you will shut me up and threaten to spank me like you always do and you won’t listen to me at all and then you’ll actually spank me when you realize that I refuse to obey your orders and now I’m running out of air, Hyung! Why aren’t you interrupting me?” the last question was almost solely made of air. Jimin had to catch his breath not to suffocate. He’d been too sure his Hyung was going to stop him before he could finish, but he was obviously wrong. This didn’t feel like a win, and he was feeling more and more frustrated and confused. “Hyung, why?”
“To answer your question about what has changed from before…”, Namjoon said calmly before telling his dongsaeng about everything, exactly everything. Not only about his change of mind about their manager, which Jimin already knew, but about his deep admiration for his father too and the guy he once called Hyung who’d helped him with his rap.
They both teared up and Jimin opened his arms. No words were needed. The hug they shared was enough.
Namjoon was feeling a bit better. It was amazing how fast things could change to the better with some honest words.
Namjoon got even more amazed when they let each other go and Jimin said:
“I’ve always wanted to be perfect, but I’ve always failed.”
Namjoon could recognize that feeling; a feeling of never be enough no matter how hard he tried.
“When I became a trainee”, Jimin continued saying. “I thought that this was my chance to reach perfection, I truly thought that I was on the right path but… Hyungnim…”
Namjoon’s body stiffened and he could feel how something, like needles, went under his skin on his arms. How was it possible to admire a man one second and hate him the other? He shouldn’t be surprised, he’d went through this already. He knew it went as quick as when someone let up a blindfold. One second you’re blind, next you can see again. It pained worse that he had to make the same mistake three times before he learned his lesson.
He wasn’t going to pity himself over it though, he wasn’t worth anyone’s pity, not even his own.
“Jimin-ah, it’s okay if you don’t want to share this with me”, he said. “I didn’t tell you how I felt to force you to talk.”
Jimin shook his head. He wanted to share this.
“It’s not like I’ve never been punished for mistakes before”, he said. “The opposite, more like it, but somehow I… I guess…”, he rubbed his arm anxiously. “… I thought Hyungnim would be different from my old coach, I thought I was finally free but I kind of just, I don’t know… escaped one prison into another.” Jimin could tell how upset this was making his leader so he quickly tried to sugarcoat it a bit. “I wasn’t that my old coach was bad, he taught me a lot, I’m grateful for that and when I became a trainee it made me feel happy because I wasn’t alone anymore. I had all of you and it made me stronger. It made me smile again.”
Namjoon’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, he was still sad and Jimin sighed.
“I’m sorry”, he murmured.
“No, don’t apologize, I wish I knew before how you were feeling.”
“You do?” Jimin sounded surprised, and that made Namjoon feel even sadder. How could his dongsaeng not think he would’ve wanted to understand him better?
Jimin ran his fingers through his dark hair. “I…”, he said a bit hesitant. “… I thought that everything would change to the better as fast as we debuted… we all thought that, right?”
Namjoon nodded. They all really did.
“It felt like I lost control over everything when I realized our manager didn’t change after the debut, and then you… you changed, but but but…”, Jimin hurried to continue not to make Namjoon defensive or anything. “… but, I thought I could handle the hate from antis, because I was strong, I told myself, but I realized I wasn’t… and I was confused and started to question who I am! I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I started to feel, more than ever, that I wasn’t enough, and the haters got to me… I just wanted to be liked but they kept hating on me, telling me how chubby and ugly I was. It hurt more than I wish it had and, I know I can’t change who I am. I knew it back then too but, my weight I could change, my weight I could control.”
“And that was how it started?”
Jimin nodded and sagged his shoulders. “Yeah, I guess that’s how it started… and I guess it escalated after the trip to Moscow, when… when that happened.”
“I’m sorry”, Namjoon murmured while slow, silent, salty tears kept rolling down his cheeks. “And I’m sorry I never tried to fully understand.”
“It’s okay”, Jimin answered and took a deep breath. “I never tried to explain it, I wasn’t sure how to.”
“I should’ve given you a chance, even when you got defensive, I should’ve still listened.” Guilt was growing in the rapper’s mind and body. The motive of a puzzle was hard to see when all the pieces were mixed up in a pile, but so easy to see when they were put together. This whole thing felt like a gigantic puzzle that slowly but surely was put together. Namjoon just wished it hadn’t taken this long.
Fuck, Namjoon cursed in his head. He wasn’t going to pity himself but he was and he hated it. He hated himself.
Jimin smiled and reached forward to give his Hyung another hug. It was what they both needed.
“I would like for you to eat more though”; Namjoon had to be honest. “You’re already eating too little as it is… but a bit later, okay? Later today?”
Jimin thought about it before nodding. “Yeah.”
“And Seokjin has booked a new appointment for you to get help.”
Jimin nodded again. “Yeah”, he didn’t look at all excited about it, but Namjoon understood. This time he really did.
“Stay strong, Jiminie.”
Jimin kept nodding his head. “Yeah.” He started squirming after that. “Hyung?”
“Yes?”
“Can I be alone for now?”
“Of course.”
Namjoon left the room and closed the door carefully behind him.
His body was shaking. His heart was pounding too hard; as if he’d been running a marathon. Had he actually done well? For the first time, he’d done the right thing and listened. And Jimin had actually opened up to him, because he opened up to him too. It made sense, didn’t it? And still he couldn’t really grasp it. One plus one had equaled five for too long so now when seeing the right answer, he wasn’t sure he dared to believe it, that it could be this easy. It was almost too easy and at the same time so awfully hard.
More tears started to fall and he hurried into the small bathroom before anyone could see him. He too needed to be alone for a little bit.