Work Text:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: (No subject)
Dear Ms. Granger,
My parents would like to request the pleasure of your company for dinner on the fifth, this Friday. Kind respond via owl, if you would be so inclined.
Regards,
DLM
.:.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: colour me shocked
Malfoy, I don’t think you understand how emails work.
And even if you did, I am not inclined to indulge in your theatrics.
And even if I were, I would be doing it for your parents.
ps: hotmail?
.:.
Subject: re: colour me shocked
Granger,
I am trying to be civil here. Mum has threatened my Quidditch collection. Father misses you and is taking it out on Crooks.
Of course you’d be doing it for them. I’d expect nothing less.
Regardless,
DLM
.:.
Subject: clarification
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
ps: how is Crookshanks? Please tell me you’ve taken him off the Norwegian salmon, he’s already diabetic.
pps: Who taught you how to email?? Was it Harry? Where’d you get my address?
.:.
Subject: Kneazle
Granger,
Crooks is fine. Father’s obsessed, I won’t be surprised if he’s been written into the will.
Mum keeps asking how I fucked it up, and insists I, and I quote, “unfuck it up”.
ps. it was Arthur Weasley.
pps: dw I won’t be at the dinner.
Cheers,
DLM
.:.
Subject: re: Kneazle
Thank you. Please remind your dad Crooks is allergic to shellfish. Give your Mum a hug for me.
ps: Arthur?? How’d that happen?
pps: It feels wholly unfair to have dinner with your parents without you. I shan’t have it.
.:.
Subject: Dinner
Granger,
I have, on countless occasions, told them that you would refuse. Unfortunately, my sanity and safety are on the line now.
They miss you. Crooks misses you. Please reconsider.
ps: Arthur taught me. Address from Potter. Laptop from Theo.
Sincerely,
DLM
.:.
Subject: re: Dinner
I see. Please let them know I miss them as well. So much. And that I’m sorry. And I wish I had it in me to be around.
I can’t yet. I’m sorry.
Great. Now I’m sobbing.
I don’t suppose I could trouble you for pics of Crooks?
.:.
Subject: Crooks
Hermione,
As requested, here is your cat kneading Father’s hair while he sleeps.
[see attachment]
ps: Please don’t cry.
pps: You’ve nothing to apologise for. Ever. Do let me know if there’s anything I can do. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.
Sincerely,
DLM
.:.
Subject: re: Crooks
OH THAT IS ADORABLE. You must ask Arthur to teach you how to take videos!
Thank you. I’ve stopped crying now. :)
And I realise I sound antagonistic. Sorry, I just didn’t want to burden you. And I certainly don’t want to impose my presence on your birthday.
.:.
Subject: Not an imposition
Dear Hermione,
I am… thoroughly surprised you even remembered.
You would not be an imposition, not at all. You would be welcome. You’re always welcome here. Always.
ps: Will bribing you with videos of Crooks eating Father’s hair work?
Best,
DLM
.:.
Subject: re: Not an imposition
OH, THAT IS LOW.
Consider me thoroughly tempted.
But it’s your birthday, Malfoy. Regardless of who wants me there, the night should be yours.
If your parents give you hell, tell them I don’t approve.
ps: Happiest Birthday. Truly. :)
.:.
Subject: (no subject)
Hermione,
Please don’t do that. We both know nothing about this birthday is happy for me. Whether or not you attend dinner.
Let’s… please not do this.
Yours,
DLM
.:.
Subject: begging your pardon?!
Excuse me?
I’m sorry that I’m wishing you a happy fucking birthday, Malfoy. I am so sorry for trying to move on from the gutting that is losing the love of my life and his family.
But most of all, I’m sorry you can’t find it in yourself to see how insensitive it is to ask your ex to spend your birthday dinner with your family, while you’re off celebrating with whoever else!!
You may not miss me or care about me anymore, but bloody hell, is it so hard to have an ounce of decency?!
.:.
Subject: wtf
Dearest Ms. Granger,
I, Draco Lucius Malfoy, am formally demanding the pleasure of your company for dinner on the 5th, this Friday. My birthday.
I don’t care if you would be so inclined; I will floo to the Ministry to collect you myself, because, for the record:
YOU broke up with ME.
Now, I don’t know where the hell the lines have gotten crossed, but I have every intention of getting them uncrossed at your earliest possible convenience.
ps: I lied, my parents don’t miss you nearly as much as I do, every single fucking minute since you’ve been gone. And if I won’t be spending my birthday — all my birthdays — with you, I have no desire to spend it with anyone else.
pps: I have not, nor will I ever, stop caring about you. I love you, daft witch.
ppps: Come home. I need you to teach me how to download apps.
Yours,
Always yours,
Forever yours,
Unbearably, unconditionally, irrevocably yours, and don’t you bloody forget it,
DLM
.:.
Epilogue, three years later...
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hand-fed tuna
Did you remember to drop by Abernathys? Crooks is being fussy again, you know he doesn't like regular tunafish.
Sometimes I do wish your parents would just adopt him.
.:.
Subject: re: Hand-fed tuna
Darling,
Father says he'll be returning from Finland soon with a veritable package of kneazle-cat treats. I do believe he's bribed customs for it.
ps. No, my parents can't have the cat. I am attached.
pps. Email? Nostalgic, are we?
Love,
DLM
.:.
Subject: re: re: Hand-fed tuna
Yes, well, I miss you. Is that so hard to believe? And yes, I suppose I am rather nostalgic.
ps. Look at us. Proper communicating. :)
.:.
Subject: re: re: re: Hand-fed tuna
You have my mobile. I literally just called you an hour ago. Don’t be clingy now.
ps. Do you think the Minister would be too opposed if I floo’d in the middle of negotiations?
pps. Keep the floo open.
All my love,
DLM
.:.
Subject: ABSOLUTELY NOT
DRACO MALFOY, YOU WILL NOT COMPROMISE MY INTERNATIONAL TRADE AGREEMENT. YOU HAVE ONE JOB.
ps. I am serious. I can wait. Finish your trip and come back to me.
.:.
Subject: re: ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dearest,
I don’t understand why I must endure the tedious task of finishing your project whilst you lounge around the manor on your maternity leave.
Your husband is an inconsiderate bloke for knocking you up.
ps. I can’t wait to come home.
.:.
Subject: (no subject)
On the contrary.
My husband is a considerate, responsible, wonderful man, and when he gets back — if he can manage not to fumble my life’s work, and even if he does — I shall thank him very much.
ps. You forgot the tunafish, didn’t you
Love,
HGM
— fin