Chapter Text
To Sirius Orion Black.
Regulus told us what he saw. You are vermin, filth, not worthy of the Black family name. End your little affair with the half breed right away. Get rid of the blood traitor and the other half dirty blood while you’re at it, then return to Grimmauld Place for the holiday, where we will work on repairing your reputation. If you refuse to do so, you will be disinherited and we will take care of this situation for you.
Signed on the 5th of November, 1975 : Walburga Black.
*
Sirius stared at the letter in horror, his stomach dropping out from under him, cold like ice. Slowly he raised his head, looking at the Slytherin table at the other side of the hall. Regulus was staring at him, twitching uncomfortably, eyes full of concern and fear. He couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t. After everything he’d done—how much he tried to help his brother out, keep him safe, offer him protection and friendship if the Slytherins decided to bully Regulus for his older brother’s ‘shortcomings’… All that he’d done for him and Regulus had just decided to betray him. For some reason, it felt so much worse than when Regulus had started icing him out at the beginning of his third year.
“Padfoot. You good?”
James’s voice ripped him from his thoughts of murdering his brother, but it didn’t do anything to alleviate the dread gnawing away on his insides. Sirius turned his head slightly to look at his chosen brother and opened his mouth, wanting to answer, wanting to show him the letter, wanting to scream and cry into James’s shoulder in terror.
But there was no use in showing him what Mother had written. This one he needed to keep a secret—it didn’t just threaten him. It threatened James and Petey and Remus. He couldn’t do this to them. So instead he clamped his mouth shut, forcing the corners of his mouth upwards a little and into a shaky smile.
“Of course. Just…” He searched for an appropriate answer. “Uhm. Another distant relative has been burnt off the family tree.” He grinned weakly in what he hoped looked like he was thinking how silly it was.
James frowned, clearly not quite believing him which Sirius didn’t blame him for. He knew too much about the Black family’s… traditions to be fooled easily. Thankfully though, he didn’t push it and just returned to his dinner.
Sirius was too busy worrying and biting on his fingernails all through dinner to actually eat anything. When he finally saw Regulus pushing back his plate and starting to leave the Great Hall, Sirius got up abruptly, almost stumbling in his hurry.
“Where are you going?” James complained while Remus just gave him one of those long stares. “We wanted to go set up the prank for tomorrow’s Divination class! Weren’t you listening at all?” He lowered his voice, clearly not as upset about it as he’d pretended to be. “Is it about the letter? If you need help—”
“I’m good,” Sirius interrupted him immediately. It had become a habit. I’m OK. It’s fine. All good. No worries. It’s not that bad. I got it covered. “I just gotta go talk to my brother about something. I’ll catch up with you later.”
He could feel three pairs of concerned eyes in the back of his neck, following him all the way down to the doors of the Great Hall until he knew they couldn’t see him anymore. Then he turned towards the dungeons, hurrying a bit to find his brother and make him talk before he could creep into the Slytherin’s dorms like the little snake he was.
Sirius was in luck. Regulus hadn’t reached them yet and clearly hadn’t expected Sirius to talk to him right away. He gave a yelp when his brother grabbed him by the lapels of his cloak, dragging him into a hidden passage and pushing him against the wall. Fury was seething through Sirius’s veins, making his blood boil.
“Traitor!” he hissed. “How could you?!”
At least Regulus didn’t pretend like he didn’t know what Sirius was talking about. He had to grant him that much. Two weeks ago, Reg had found him and Remus snogging in the empty class room on the fourth floor. He’d just stared at them and then fled. Sirius had talked to him to make sure his brother didn’t see him any differently and that he could still come to him if he needed help. Regulus had looked at his feet the entire time but had just nodded, and Sirius had assumed that was that.
Clearly, it wasn’t.
“They were going to find out either w-way,” Regulus whined, trying to loosen Sirius’s grip. He didn’t budge and Regulus let his hands fall to his sides. “I wanted to protect you! I j-just figured if I do it right away, while it’s still early in the d-development and you’re still a minor, they might be more l-lenient!”
“Lenient!” Sirius snarled. “Lenient? Do you know what they’re threatening me with?”
Regulus’s lower lip quivered. “I f-figured they would settle for an arranged marriage with a Pureblood girl.”
That actually made Sirius pause for a split second. He hadn’t even thought of that but of course, considering his family, that only made sense. We will repair your reputation. But that was providing he did their cruel bidding. The thought of marrying one of the Carrow girls or an Avery made his stomach churn but he couldn’t help but laugh at the choices put before him. Regulus actually flinched at the sound.
“Well, that’s probably still in the cards for me, but that’s only if they don’t kill me.”
He was aware of the pure hatred in his voice but he just couldn’t stop himself. His family had put him in the worst position he’d ever been in. And considering just how cruel their punishment could be, that was quite the feat. This was a whole new level of torture.
“W-what?” Regulus sounded genuinely terrified. “They wouldn’t do that, they would never—”
“What?” Sirius snapped. “Kill the Black heir? No, you’re right, they wouldn’t.” He held up the letter he had crumpled up in his left hand, the right still holding Regulus by the coat. “But they’re threatening to disinherit me, so… Thanks for nothing.”
His brother just squinted at the letter as if not trusting Sirius to speak the truth, then stared back up at him in horror.
“They still wouldn’t… wouldn’t do that,” he muttered, though his voice was much quieter now and had lost its fierce protest.
“Oh please, take your head out of their asses for once!” Sirius finally let go of him to walk up and down the hidden passage. “They’ve been wanting to get rid of me for ages. Hell, they’ve gotten real damn close to it a few times over the holidays. Remember when she shoved me down the stairs? I could have broken more than just my arm.” His voice was dripping with disgust. “They’ve just been waiting for an excuse to dispose of me, and thanks to you they have everything they need now. Once I’m not the heir anymore, nothing will keep them back.”
Regulus whimpered. “I just wanted to protect you.”
“Well you’ve done the exact opposite.” Sirius shoved the letter at him, making his brother stumble.
He was still pacing in the passage, feeling trapped rather than the usual safety he got from being at Hogwarts. There was no way out of this. He’d have to run away. Except even if he did—his family would be able to track him down, find his friends and… hurt them, if not worse.
We’ll take care of it for you. He shuddered. Walburga Black had proven herself quite capable of ruthless actions, and with the upcoming war against muggleborns and even halfbloods, there was no telling what she would do, what she would be able to sweep under the rug.
Regulus was reading through the letter again and again, his brow furrowed, worry etched into every line on his face.
“You have to rid yourself of them, then,” he said, his voice taught but hopeful. Sirius spun around to face him again, making Regulus flinch.
“What?”
“Think about it,” Reg pressed, taking a step towards his brother. “If you don’t do as they wish, they’ll… they’ll do their worst.” Nice way of saying they were going to murder him in cold blood and probably burn his body. “But if you… if you get—get rid of them… of your friends… If you do as they say, you’ll at least live.”
Regulus sounded strained now, like he was desperately cling to straws, and Sirius realized that his brother was in his own way actually trying to help. Wanted to help him. What he had done – telling their parents about this – was almost unforgivable but he could see why Reg had done it. He was desperate to keep him afloat in the misery that was their family.
“I can’t just get rid of them,” Sirius hissed nonetheless, feeling sick to the stomach at the thought. “They’re my friends. They’re family.”
Hurt flashed across Regulus’s features, quickly replaced by his usual smooth, calculating look. “If you don’t do it, they’ll hurt you or worse. If you do what they want from you, you’ll still be facing consequences and probably an arranged marriage that wouldn’t exactly be your first choice given your preferences. But at least you’ll be there.”
His parents would hurt him anyway. They had put the Cruciatus curse on him for smaller offenses than kissing a boy. But that wasn’t what worried him. He was worried about what they would do to the other marauders if he didn’t do it.
“I… can’t,” Sirius whispered, sliding down the wall, dread bubbling up and threatening to consume him. “I can’t just… I can’t. They wouldn’t accept it, anyway. They’re family.”
Regulus stood in front of him, awkwardly shuffling his feet. “Do you want me to do it for you?”
It was probably the kindest thing Regulus had ever offered to do for him, but Sirius shook his head. If anything, it would have to be him. They would never accept this from him, let alone his Slytherin brother. They would never allow this to happen.
Sirius groaned, covering his face with his hands before his brother could see the tears threatening to spill. “I can’t do it,” he whimpered but his voice had lost its edge. All fight drained from him when the realisation settled that there was no other way. He had to do it.
*
He tried everything. He really did. He did his very best to signal to the marauders that he didn’t want to talk to them, didn’t want to do pranks with them, didn’t want to engage with them at all—no matter how much it broke his heart. He didn’t have it in him to officially break up with Remus, he just couldn’t. But he could see the pain and confusion he caused his boyfriend and hated himself all the more for it.
He sat apart from them in classes, just staring at the blackboard, not even taking notes. He couldn’t focus which led to him not performing very well in class. When he messed up a simple transfiguration spell, McGonagall asked him to stay behind after class and asked him whether he was feeling quite alright. Sirius just stared at her with dull eyes and an even duller soul, wondering how he was supposed to answer.
When the full moon rolled around, it was the first one in seven months – aside from the holidays – that he didn’t spend with Remus and the others. His heart ached when he saw James’s disappointment, Peter’s confusion and Remus’s utter sadness and pain. But he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t allow himself to.
When the dorm door closed behind them and he heard their footsteps disappearing, he threw himself onto his bed and allowed himself to cry a little. He knew it was petty and selfish—he had no right to cry with what he was putting his friends through. But he couldn’t help it. He stayed up all night, sitting by the window, watching the moon rise and then disappear behind grey clouds as morning came.
Despite his will to push his friends away, he couldn’t stop himself from looking up when James stormed into the dorm much later in the morning than they usually did after a full moon, accompanied neither by Peter nor Remus. He looked furious when he locked eyes with Sirius. He bunched up his invisibility cloak and shoved it into its hiding spot under his bed before stalking over to Sirius.
“You,” he growled. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately and frankly, I don’t give a flying jarvey. But you’re coming with me, now.”
“No, I’m staying here,” Sirius said quietly, shrinking back into himself at the pure anger in his friend’s eyes. James could be terrifying when he looked like that.
“No you’re bloody not,” he said. “Not if I can help it.”
He grabbed Sirius by the wrist and started pulling him towards the door, however stopped immediately when Sirius flinched. It hadn’t been a voluntary response, but he was used to pain following anger and a part of him was still expecting it, despite it being James. His friend let go of him the second he realized that Sirius was watching him anxiously and cursed violently, running his fingers through his hair and messing it up even more.
“Shit, sorry, I – Sirius, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Sirius didn’t even get to open his mouth to respond before James continued. “But my statement still stands, you’re coming with me.”
Sirius just shook his head, taking a step back. James stared at him.
“Merlin’s beard, what is going on with you?” he snapped. “You know, I really thought you just need your space because of some family stuff, but this is going too far. I get it if you need a break, but you can’t do this to Remus during… when he’s having his furry little problem! Do you even know what he did yesterday? He tore himself to pieces again. Two of us isn’t enough to keep him safe”
For a second, it felt like the ground was being pulled out from under Sirius’s feet, and he swayed, panic setting in. Remus had gotten hurt again, really hurt, and it was his fault—
James nodded. “I see you still have at least some of your senses to you. Now come on, he’s in the hospital wing. He really wants to see you, and you do owe him an explanation. Or at least an apology.”
But Sirius resisted the light tug, resisted his urge to start running and apologize to Moony. Start sobbing and promising he would never hurt him like this again. Instead, he took another step back, away from James, away from salvation.
“Sirius,” James said incredulously, following him. “What is going on? I know this is more than you just needing your space. Something is wrong, I can tell. Is it your family? Are they threatening you?”
Too close, too damn close to the truth. If they knew the truth, they’d only insist on helping him find a way out of this, and he couldn’t risk that. Couldn’t risk them getting hurt. He pulled away when James reached out, biting the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t start crying again.
“No.” He shook his head vehemently, but he knew his voice had sounded way too shaky, betraying him. “No, James. I just… I need my space. I need to be away from you. You’re not… You’re not the right company to keep.”
He had expected the hurt to flash in James’s eyes but apparently he had underestimated his friend. James only looked more determined as he stepped towards him, taking Sirius’s hands firmly into his.
“I know something else is going on,” he insisted, calmly this time. His hands were warm, promising safety and understanding. A luxury Sirius couldn’t afford right now. “You can pretend all you like that you don’t want to be friends with us anymore but I know there’s more to this. And I’m going to figure it out and then I’ll help you.”
This. This was exactly what he dreaded. James just proved what Sirius had feared all along. The soft way of withdrawing himself, icing them out, wasn’t going to work. He’d have to take a different approach. He’d have to break Remus’s heart and make sure that the marauders would hate him enough never to even want to talk to him again. Make them hate him enough that, if his parents did their worst nonetheless, they wouldn’t miss him.
*
“What do you mean it’s not working?” Regulus was anxiously shifting his weight from one leg to the other; for once too nervous to stand rigorously still. “You said—”
“I said it’s not working!” Sirius snapped, throwing his hands in the air. “I tried. They refuse to accept that…” He swallowed, feeling the hard lump in his throat. “That I don’t want to be friends with them anymore.”
It was ridiculous when he said it like that. Words could never encompass the kind of betrayal he was putting them through. The pain he intended to further inflict upon them. Or that he’d called them his friends, like that was all they was.
Something to throw away like a used handkerchief. Like a disinherited heir.
Why was he even hesitating? Even considering doing this to the marauders made him unworthy of their companionship. Their love. He shouldn’t hesitate doing the worst thing he could possibly do to help them get rid of him. To make their decision, and his, easier.
“You have to get rid of them.” Regulus was pleading now, taking Sirius’s hand, letting go when his brother winced and grabbing his sleeve instead. “Please, I won’t be able to help you if you don’t.”
Sirius just shook him off, turning around to face the wall of the secret passage they were meeting in. He knew why his brother was begging him to get it over with, knew the winter break was approaching rapidly. But he almost couldn’t make himself care.
“I…” Regulus spoke up again, hesitating and trailing off, then raising his voice again. “You know I can’t help them either if something… happens to you, right?”
That made Sirius turn around so quickly Reg yelped in surprise. His brother was right. He didn’t care so much about his own fate anymore, but he couldn’t protect his friends if he didn’t do what his parents expected of him. There was no way around this.
“Fine,” he said. “You got me into this mess. Help me. How do I convince them to leave me alone?”
Regulus shrugged. “You have to make them hate you,” he said casually, as if it was the most logical thing in the world. Not that Sirius hadn’t thought about it as well. God, they were a pair of messed up brothers. “Put them in danger. Hurt them. And not just emotionally, like you’ve been doing. You know that won’t work.”
Sirius shivered at the coldness lingering in his brother’s voice. So simple, so matter of fact. He was right, of course. But that didn’t change anything about how fucked up it was.
Regulus peaked out of the tapestry hiding the passage to check if the hallway was empty before turning around to his brother. “Good luck,” he said, and then he was gone.
That night, Sirius didn’t sleep. He was lying in bed, arms neatly to his sides the way he used to do it at Grimmauld Place, staring at the ceiling. What could possibly hurt the marauders enough to finally give up on him? Regulus was right, the emotional side of things wasn’t working very well—just a few hours ago James had looked up from the game of Exploding Snap they were playing, waving at Sirius and smiling brightly, asking him if he wanted to join. He needed to do something more cruel, maybe… physically hurt them, like Regulus had suggested.
Except what danger could he put them in? The marauders were more than used to getting into all kinds of pickles, some more perilous than others, as if they were actively seeking it out. It usually only resulted in strengthening their bond. So what could possibly be the point of no return?
Even through the closed curtains, he heard Remus shifting in his bed, giving a little whimper. The full moon neared – the last before they went home for the holiday – and his nightmares were always worse around that time.
The full moon.
Sirius shot upright at the thought that crossed his mind—no, he couldn’t. He couldn’t. This surely wasn’t the danger Reg had talked about. He couldn’t, it would get him expelled. Not to mention it was a violation of every boundary, a betrayal of the purest form of trust and love they had between them. Sirius wanted to rip himself to pieces just for thinking about it.
But the holiday was getting closer and he didn’t have many options left.
He couldn’t.
You have to , a voice inside of him whispered and Sirius closed his eyes, curling up on his side and wrapping his arms around his stomach. They’re going to hate you for this. They will never forgive you.
And so he had to.
*
Finding his victim was the easy part, which sent shivers of horror down Sirius’s spine. He’d never thought he could be so ruthless, but in the face of losing everyone he loved, putting the slimy git in danger was the least thing he cared about. He’d tortured Remus for years, calling him diseased and putting hexes on him, making his life a living hell. Snape was the part of his decision he could cope with.
Once that was decided, Sirius shut himself off emotionally. He built a wall of ice around his heart, block by block, making sure he would feel nothing but cold emptiness when he carried out his plan.
Timing. Timing was everything.
Sirius had to calculate it perfectly to ensure Snape wouldn’t actually end up as Moony’s dinner. He whispered the secret to him, knowing that to get across the grounds and to the Whomping Willow, disabling it and walking down the tunnel, he would have to be there just in time for James and Peter to notice him before they joined Moony in the Shrieking Shack.
It was a good plan. It would make sure that the marauders would be safe.
A nd yet. When Sirius stalked Snape as he crossed the grounds and approached the willow, the pain inside of him threatened to tear him apart.
He would lose his friends to this. Good. It w ill keep them safe.
They would never forgive him. That’s what you want. Keep them away, keep them safe.
He knew that. But the idea of putting his friends, putting his Moony through the terror and eternal guilt of almost attacking a human being, even if it was Snape… Remus would never recover from this.
H e stayed in his spot a little ways away from the Whomping Willow, making sure that James would see him when he intercepted Snape and hauled him to Dumbledore. Making sure that James would tell Remus that it had been Sirius’s fault, resulting in them cutting all ties with him.
Sirius shuddered in his thin jacket, letting a tear fall as he leaned back against a tree, taking in the night air. The last night of friendship. Or whatever was left of it, after he had already put them through hell.
It didn’t go quite as he’d expected, but it did the job much better.
When James emerged from the Whomping Willow, one hand clamped tightly around Snape’s upper arm, and spotted Sirius, he almost dropped the wand he’d been holding to the slimy git’s throat. Even from where he was standing, Sirius could see the utter confusion, pain and fury in the other boy’s eyes. This had done it.
He didn’t know how he managed not to get expelled. He didn’t even say anything to his defense, but while James told the story – shouting, yelling, screaming, admitting to years of helping Moony with his furry little secret – Dumbledore just stared at Sirius, blue eyes piercing into his soul.
He got off with detention and a hundred points removed from Gryffindor.
James had no intention on letting Sirius off easy. He was quiet on the walk back to their dorm, but just before they could tell the Fat Lady the password, he grabbed his arm, hard, and yanked him into an empty classroom.
“How could you.”
It wasn’t a question, and James’s voice was quiet and collected. In a way, it was much worse than any of the abuse he’d endured at home. It was like James couldn’t even manage to harbour any kind of feelings towards him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Peter is still there right now, still trying to soothe him, even though we all know it’s gonna be a bloodbath in the morning. How could you do this to him—do you know that he almost killed someone tonight? We were on our way out. If I hadn’t managed to push him back into the house…” James trailed off, sounding genuinely terrified. “Why would you do this, Sirius? I know you wouldn’t do this unless you absolutely had to… He almost killed him!”
Sirius had expected to feel something—horror at what he had just done to Remus, perhaps. Fear at what was still going to happen, how he was going to have to deal with this. Loneliness and sadness at the fact that he had successfully pushed his friends away. This was his chance. He could explain what he had done, explain why there was no other way.
But instead he just decided to drive the nail in deeper.
“Good,” he said calmly, surprised at how cold he sounded. He forced himself to stand at full height, looking down at James. “Maybe now he’ll realize that I don’t want to be friends with a monster, let alone kiss one.”
He put as much disgust as he could into those words, as if he could actively push James away with them. And it succeeded. He looked as if he’d been slapped, reeling back, still staring at him.
“This isn’t you.”
“It is me now.” Something inside of Sirius shrunk, retreating way into the back of his skull, watching his body speak and act. “Get away from me, James.”
James backed up and Sirius’s body turned to open the door. It took a step outside, then stilled for a moment when James spoke up again.
“Maybe the rumors were right after all,” he said quietly, hurt staining his voice. “All Blacks are crazy.”
His body didn’t cry. It just walked out, told the Fat Lady the password and carried Sirius up the stairs, past the dorm and towards the bathroom. It unbuttoned his shirt and took off his trousers, then stepped under the shower.
The cold, icy water brought Sirius back to his senses with a snap. He stared at his hands and it didn’t take long until they started shaking. He reached out with one hand to keep himself upright, pressing the other to his mouth to stifle the scream rising in his throat. Tears spilled over, boiling hot against his icy skin.
Soon he was curled up on the floor crying, the cold water still pattering down on him.
He’d almost made Moony kill someone. He’d disregarded Remus’s wellbeing for this. Getting rid of thim, and he had succeeded, they would never want to speak with him again, never look at him. To them, he was just like his family now, just like—
Sirius rushed out of the shower, slipping a few times on the floor before crashing and just barely reaching the loo to throw up. He’d hardly eaten anything all week so there wasn’t a whole lot he could get rid of. But his body still spasmed, trying to expel what vile evil inside of him he had used to do this.
What he had done was truly unforgivable. Not only would they be unable to move on, he would also never be able to forgive himself.
He looked at his bloody knee, hurt when he’d crashed to the floor, and dug his fingernails into the wound. Pain. He wanted to feel it. He almost yearned for his mother’s punishment. Not much longer. They would all be going home for the holiday in just two days and then he would undoubtedly feel the effects of the Cruciatus curse.
This time I actually deserve it.
He dug deeper, feeling fresh blood well up, and he closed his eyes in relief.
But no matter what happens now, they’re safe.