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When you looked back at the first days after your arrival, you had to laugh. The whole invasion by Loki on Midgard was stuck in your mind so deep you were terrified of the young trickster at first and he didn’t fancy a Midgardian in Asgard – or at least by the way he acted.
You soon realised he acted like that towards everybody, so you let it go and soon you discovered, he wasn’t so cruel after all. It all clicked one night when you decided to go watch the stars instead of glaring at the ceiling and listening to your mind go on and on about all the things you’d done wrong.
As you approached your usual spot, you noticed it was occupied by not just someone, it had to be Loki. You summed up your courage and struck up a conversation which led to a conclusion of you two finally understanding each other to some extent. From that point on you began meeting there almost every night because the sleeplessness bothered both of you and the bond grew stronger and stronger.
Loki was a different breed. He didn’t look nor act anything like his brother Thor, one would think Thor was actually the adopted one while taking into account their sister Hela. Loki mesmerised you and even though you didn’t want to admit it, you adored him just a bit too much. His raven eyes, cold yet passionate gaze, his devilish smirk, the voice he talked in when you two were alone together.
He, for you, was slowly becoming the centre of the entire universe, but you didn’t want that to be known, especially by him. This little secret was to keep for you and your mind only, you’d take it to the grave. But of course, that was before Thor had caught on you acting differently when Loki was there. You grew colder and kept more reserved than you’d normally be. He knew something was up between you two but when he brought Loki up in the conversations you two had you made him promise he wouldn’t tell him anything. Thor reminded you of a brother you’ve never had and Asgard had become your sanctuary and even though you missed your so-called home, this was the most peaceful you’ve ever felt. Maybe life off of Midgard wasn’t the worst thing in the entire world.
Actually, life on Midgard, before you’ve gotten to know Thor, was pretty shit. No, not even that, it was absolute hell for you. Depression soon destroyed every single aspect of life, no matter how good it’d seemed at one point, it got worse and worse. After your first attempt, you spent three or so weeks in a mental institution where you felt like there was hope. Then came the second attempt and betrayal of one of your most beloved and trusted friends, then the third. No matter how much you took, you only got extremely sick afterwards. No hospital, no blacking out. The only pro was your parents not finding out about it.
Your self-destruction had gotten so bad you self-harmed in many ways. Your eating worsened again and you made yourself and others miserable. You broke rules, had to go an end of the year exams because you missed so much school, you tried drugs just to take the pain away. At one point you thought you wouldn’t live to see the other day, but you somehow survived. Friendless, penniless, but you survived. So broken, so twisted, yet surviving. You were living in the darkness for what seemed like an eternity before your life twisted upside down just by a stupid accident. An accident you hated yourself for yet loved as well, because, without it, you’d still be searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.
That didn’t mean all your problems were solved once you went to Asgard, but being close to Loki did something. Maybe it was just your undoubtedly growing obsession- dare to call it love?
No, that couldn’t be it. You shunned every thought of it and hated yourself for even thinking about Loki in the first place. He was now gone; it wasn’t like he’d come to Midgard just to visit you of all people. He wouldn’t even step a foot on Midgard after basically unleashing an Armageddon on it.
Life had changed for you since being back on Midgard. Everything managed to get even worse somehow. Looking back, living in Asgard was the most peaceful episode of your entire life. You adored the people, the weather, the way you felt.
Coming back was worse than anything. Leaving made you realise how much you’d become close with Loki and you being apart from him meant you could wallow in self-pity and go back to closing yourself up from others. You couldn’t do that on Asgard. But here? Life could wait. There was only you and yourself to destroy. In a way you liked it, you’ve become so accustomed to it by now, it felt almost normal. It felt comfortable spending the days alone, avoiding people altogether, pushing those close away, and staring at the ceiling.
---------------------------------------
“Y/n get up it’s after noon, go help and do the dishes or something.” Your mum shouted through the whole house and you pulled a pillow over your face, groaning and cursing into it.
As you slowly sat up, knowing a lecture would come if you didn’t do as was said, you grabbed a glass of water and struggled to get your meds out of the container as per usual. Once that was done, you put on a bra under your baggy T-Shirt that you may or may not have taken from Loki and grey sweats that you found on the floor, left there from yesterday. You didn’t even bother to let sunlight into your room as you knew you’d go straight back to sleep (or stare at the ceiling) quite soon after doing some chores around the house.
What you certainly didn’t expect to see was Loki in the kitchen casually talking to your mother over a cup of what smelled like coffee. You stood in the arch of the door for quite some time before Loki noticed you.
“Y/n.” He smiled in your direction.
You froze. Maybe it was still dues to the shock of him being there or maybe the embarrassment of the state you looked.
“Oh honey, I was just trying to get you out here when you’ve got a visitor.” Your mum pointed out with a grin on her face – she must’ve been enchanted to even let him into our house.
“Give me five.” You turned on your heel and walked out of the kitchen as soon as possible and shut yourself in your post-apocalyptic room. You quickly dressed into a fresh tee and put trousers on instead of those sweatpants. You tied your hair up to make it look at least somewhat decent – you haven’t had the energy to wash it, and slid into the bathroom to brush your teeth. This all took you about 8ish minutes or so and you were quite proud of the results. You didn’t look as depressed nor dying now, so that was important.
“So, what’s the purpose of your visit, Loki.” You sat down adjacent to him with a cup of black coffee. Your mum left you two and went on to work, it was a work day after all.
“Can’t I visit my favourite Midgardian?” He snickered and twirled with your favourite mug he had coffee in. You closely eyed his motions, you weren’t gonna let him break it.
“You should’ve said something first.” You sighed and took a sip of your coffee.
“You mean I’d miss the look on your face when you first came in here?” He questioned. “Wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.” He continued and a malicious smirk stayed on his face the entire time.
You rolled your eyes heavily.
“Also, where did you get that T-Shirt again?” He continued to edge you on playfully. You felt your cheeks burning up. You did look a mess and you had his, technically stolen, T-Shirt on.
“Listen, I’ll give it back if you want, I just have to do the laundry.” You reassured him and extended your hand to grab the mug you were keeping your eyes glued on for the past few minutes. His grip loosened and you could put your treasured mug back on its shelf where your family knew not to give it to anybody but you.
“Did my mum give you this?” You turned around to him while standing, now drying off the mug he drank from.
“No, but then yes.” He turned his attention to you while having fun as you were trying to figure out why on Earth would your mum give him this mug.
“Loki it’s not funny enchanting my mum.” You said crossed armed leaning against the countertop.
“I swear it was only for the mug.” He began but you raised your brow – it clearly wasn’t the whole truth.
“All right maybe to convince her to let me in- I had to see you.”
No matter what response you were still going to be annoyed with him just a bit, but it was slowly turning into a gag rather than something to be upset by. You two talked for a long time, you even went outside and laid on the grass of a field that was rather close to your house.
It’s been quite a while since you’ve gone out, even to nature, and it felt rather freeing. You knew you weren’t going to experience something like this after this day though, you felt a rather deep depressive episode coming on with every minute passing by. It helped to be with him though, not to an extent to stop it, but it was enough. As you sat in the tall grass and felt the late summer breeze on your skin you felt at ease. The sun was slowly setting and you two were at the perfect place to watch the sky turn golden.
“You smoke grass?” Loki looked quite puzzled when you pulled out a joint you forgot you had in these pair of trousers.
“I mean; it helps with my depression.” You took another small drag and held it in for a couple of seconds. You asked whether he wanted some and you two smoked the whole spiff in such a short amount of time. As the high was slowly coming on you became less self-aware and let yourself go a bit. You were keeping a lot of the things happening now from Loki as you didn’t want to burden nor worry him but with pot, you were much more talkative. If he asked a question you spilled the whole truth.
“Loki I seriously am fine; it just seems worse on the weed.” You said and turned your head to face him. You plunged right into the blanket you brought with you and put your arms over your head to block any light from coming in.
“Y/n what you said seems so much on one person… are you sure?” Still sitting he turned over to you.
You just nodded as you didn’t want to speak or even utter a small noise.
“I can’t help myself but to think you’re not doing fine, at all actually.” He turned away and continued.
You slowly put your arms next to your body but still kept your eyes tightly shut. He was right, you weren’t okay and the façade was crumbling. Fuck, fuck, fuck, not here, not now. You thought but your body responded quicker and soon you felt tears running down your face. You wiped them away quickly. You grabbed and pulled Loki down next to you.
“I am not, but let’s not talk about it now, okay?” You propped your head up with your arm waiting for a response. Another tear escaped your eye. Fuck.
“Okay.” Loki sighed, took his hand and wiped your tear off with his thumb, keeping his hand on your face afterwards.
As you looked him right in the eyes you could feel his eyes staring into your soul. He probably knew everything with a single glance. Loki looked truly beautiful under the golden light set in. So carefree, but still his blue eyes filled with worry for you and you hated yourself for that. Loki was stroking your hair now looking up at you with a small smile on his face.
“What?” You questioned.
“Oh nothing y/n.” He replied now with a bigger smile.
“C’mon.” You playfully punched his shoulder with one hand. “Tell me.”
“Just that you’re so beautiful y/n.” He finally stated and propped himself up to be face to face with you.
“I, uhm, thank you Loki.” You blurted out and felt the heat rising which meant only one thing, red cheeks. You quickly laid down next to him and faced the sky, it was now approaching darker blues and you were going to see stars in a couple of minutes.
“I care about you so much y/n, you have no idea.” Loki started playing with a strand of your hair which he then moved to the back of your ear. That alone made you shiver.
You didn’t even notice him getting closer and closer but soon enough his face was almost adjacent to yours, his hair getting in front of his face. Seeing him like that, almost towering over you, you took one hand and by his shirt, pulled him even closer. Your breathing quickened. Your heart raced. Your noses were almost touching now and it was getting harder and harder to breathe steadily. You took the initiate into your own hands and leaned in to close the space between you and him.
His lips were warm and soft, still scented with the coffee drank so long ago. The kiss, so dreamy and gentle at the start, morphed with passion and lust into a fever dream. Only when lost of breath you had to part away, the absence of his lips killing you. He looked into your eyes, smitten by your beauty and couldn’t help but to smile. He had been waiting for this since he met you.