Chapter Text
Company XX, Time OO, wasn't this how introductions usually go in movies?
At that time, Togawa was one of the five people being called into the interview room at once, second to last. Supposedly, he should be well-positioned because he could listen to the questions and responses given before him. Supposedly, he could use the time to anticipate and compose himself.
In reality, he was just letting his mind meander, wondering about physics, perception, and light. He wondered why weak LED ceiling lights and the extremely bright sunlight relentlessly pouring from the windows behind the company interviewers, only served to make the room feel that much darker. He could barely see anyone's faces. Maybe it was nerves. Would he be going blind from stress?
He could barely remember their names, or positions; could barely pick out their shadows. Two people from Human Resources, someone who introduced themselves as general manager, a few section heads, a supervisor. If anyone were to ask him who was which, he would probably fail.
So when his turn came, he was not prepared at all. He was as aimless as he had been before he even stepped foot into the interview room, before he even donned his best cheap suit in the morning.
There were rote questions. Why do you want to join this company? What can you offer the company? And variations of them.
Because it was what society expected. What society demanded. Could that be an acceptable answer? Job-seeking was just another thing he felt he should do. Just like going to a good school, graduating with good grades, abiding by the law.
It was probably not the best place to have realizations, but suddenly he realized he had no particular ambition of his own, no particular desire. He was just putting one foot in front of the other, because that was a natural progression of a functioning citizen, wasn't it? Just going somewhere was enough, because it was expected of him. But where? Nobody ever told him.
There was something he heard about before. Worker ants. Just going where they were told, collecting what they were told. Contributing was enough.
Where do you see yourself in five years time? They were asking him questions again, looking at him expectantly. Hoping to get a good answer from him when he had none.
"I... didn't do anything," he began. Suddenly stupidly honest. He didn't so much answer their question as he was making his own confession. "I'm not sure if there was anything I could do."
Clouds passed by outside the window, casting shadows that moved and danced in between the interviewers sitting in front of him.
One person's shadow was brighter than the rest, whose gaze seemed to be full of amusement. Stupidly honest, now Togawa felt stupidly brave. "I don't even know what I want to do," he addressed that person directly.
The shadow seemed to smile, an indulgent smile. Though perhaps it was a trick of light, the sun beyond the window was quite blinding anyway.
It was dark the second time they met, and the shadow finally gained form and name. Nozue Sanae, no longer framed in sunlight, but glittering like the neon city lights around them. The city was loud and alive around them, but Togawa felt like he was back in the interview room with too loud drone of central air conditioning and intimidating white noise.
"The desperate job seeker," Nozue-san had called him.
You regret your inaction, didn't you? "Like how the person you are now is craving for change."
How do you know? He wanted to ask. Because Togawa didn't even know himself.
It's not too late for change. But change to what? What part of him did he even want to change?
He didn't even know how he would support himself let alone go on a soul-searching journey. These days, soul-searching cost money.
Maybe he voiced it a bit too loudly, rather than kept it as a monologue in his heart, because suddenly he was figuratively, and almost nearly literally, swept off his feet.
"Care for a few more drinks? Dinner?" came the invitation Togawa didn't know what to do with.
"Uh..."
"Are you still worried?" A laugh, clear as a bell that rose above the din of the city at night. "A certain someone thought you're freaking hilarious. So all will be well."
The man sounded so confident. Having the certainty enough for the both of them, apparently. Because Togawa wasn't so sure about anything. Not about a job. Not even about whether going out drinking with this man was a good idea.
But he wasn't going to turn down free food and drinks. He didn't feel like going back home yet.
He thought Nozue-san was an interesting man. An easy-going person who seemed interested in what Togawa had to say. Who seemed to know what words to say to ease Togawa's anxiety.
Over yakitori and beer, Nozue-san reiterated how Togawa shouldn't worry, how there's an amazingly big possibility that he would be hired.
By the second stein of beer for both of them, a second serving of yakitori for Nozue-san and a slightly sweet tamagoyaki for himself, Togawa felt less like an interviewee and more like a customer listening to a sales pitch. Because here was Nozue-san, trying to convince him that the company was a good company. "It's really not a question of whether you'll get accepted, as much as a question of 'will you like it here?'" He even made air quotes around the phrase.
"I'm sure it will be fine," Togawa answered. He wasn't picky about jobs. As long as he get paid. He really had low expectations for his first ever entry-level job. And he was already doing better than most. Some of his yearmates were still struggling to even get a look-in, let alone an interview.
"I know you're a desperate jobseeker sending applications and attending interviews with whatever company that calls," Nozue-san said, with earnestness in his eyes. "That you don't really have high expectations about our company, but I promise it'll be worthwhile, Togawa-kun," the man told him, with a slightly pleading gaze. "It doesn't look like much, but it's a good one."
A swig of beer. "You don't seem convinced," Nozue-san concluded all by himself, even though Togawa didn't say anything at all. "It might sound like a bunch of bullshit considering Japanese work culture in general, but I promise that you won't regret joining us."
The challenges would enrich experiences rather than beat him down, Nozue-san promised. The salary was rather good and employee retention rates were good as well. There were many departments to choose from; some tougher than others, some more lax than the rest, "but we've never gotten in trouble with the Labor Standards Bureau," he declared rather proudly, but quickly sobered up. "I guess that's not much of anything, huh? 'Have never been sued by an ex-employee', 'have never been stabbed by an ex-employee'... It's all rather grim, isn't it?" He laughed and Togawa laughed with him, because laughter was contagious, wasn't it?
By the third stein, Togawa decided that maybe Nozue-san was a sentimental drunk. "I know that many people don't stay for long in their first job. But at least I hope you can find it enjoyable, you know?"
Togawa doubted that any entry-level job could be enjoyable, so he kept quiet.
"I don't know how long you'll stay with us... a year or maybe two years. Three, five. Or more. But I hope when you finally leave the company, at least you'll be able to say that you've had fun."
"Did you have fun?"
"Huh?" the question echoed slightly as Nozue-san spoke into his stein.
"At your first job. Did you have fun?" There was a long pause, as if the other man wasn't expecting the question. "You didn't?"
There was a fond smile, the kind of smile that bloomed slowly and would be difficult to fake. "I had a lot of fun. Lots. It was tiring, challenging, frustrating. The deadlines were absurd, borderline on torture. The clients were from hell most of the time. But at the end of the day, I learned a lot and had lots of fun. My manager, back then, was that kind of person."
"Your subordinates must like working with you," Togawa said.
Then came a laugh. A self-deprecating one, covered up behind the last stick of yakitori. "Oh, I don't know about that. I'm sure they complain behind my back." Three gulps of beer, and then there was no more. "I just hope that at least I can be useful for them. Isn't it what bosses are for, most of the time?"
Togawa knew a rhetorical question when he heard one, so he chewed his last two tamagoyaki slices at once.
So in the end, Nozue-san's colleagues called him out for an after-night cap, and Togawa let himself be put into a taxi by the man.
"I don't want you to get mugged before you even start with us," the older man told him, putting probably too much fare-money into his hand. The taxi was already moving before the door even closed properly.
The taxi's radio had been playing some song he couldn't recognize, and it was only when the singer had delivered the last sustained high note that the driver turned it down. "Seems like a good boss you got there." So the driver is a chatty one.
"He's n..." Togawa started, but stopped himself, though he didn't know why. Even though it was the honest truth that Nozue-san wasn't his boss. "He does come across as a nice boss, doesn't he?"
"I wouldn't know," the taxi driver answered back. "He's not my boss, is he?" Togawa could see the driver grinning, from this angle. "But the fact that you don't immediately launched into a rant, starting with Oh no! You're mistaken! Actually... made me think that he might just be."
"Did you have many passengers like that?"
"More than you think. And I was one of those." They stopped at a traffic light and watched nothing passing by. "Most of the people coming home at this time of night are miserable. But you don't look miserable."
"I don't know enough yet to make up my mind."
"Oh I see," the light turned green. "New guy then."
"Sort of." He didn't know if he would end up getting hired. He refused to let Nozue-san's words get his hopes up.
"Oho. Well then, you've got your whole life ahead of you still." They turned a corner. "Just don't let your boss or anyone bully you into signing your life away to slavery. It's not life that you can get back. Take it from me, I speak from experience."
If Nozue-san spent half a night extolling on the virtues of working at a happy company, then the taxi driver took up the other half of his night sharing absolutely horrific realities of working the daily grind. A bed of nails that drove him into depression; How he quit the company with almost nothing to show for. How it took him and his family a herculean amount of effort to recover from. He still had nothing to show for, sometimes he would relive his trauma alongside his passengers who suffered similar fates as him.
"Today's customers have been good so far, though," the driver concluded. "A young couple coming back from a date; an old pair returning from a day trip to the onsen; a bunch of really jolly friends coming home from the karaoke; a young employee from a seemingly good company with a seemingly good boss."
"Who, me?"
"Are you?" Silence stretched as long as the road before the next intersection. The light was green and the road was empty. "It's hard to figure out what you are in life, isn't it? What is expected of you." A signal to make a left turn. "If you feel pressured to say you are happy or if you are genuinely happy. If you feel the need to drown yourself in work to earn a praise. If you even enjoy being who you are today, or if you think that you should even if you aren't."
But life is not just all work, you know. Nozue-san had looked alarmed when the-as-yet-still-unemployed Togawa had made the bold, probably stupid-in-his-eyes announcement of dedicating life to work. Because wasn't that what society expected him to do? To please his parents and teachers, he had studied hard, attended cram schools, spent countless restless days and sleepless nights chasing an extra 10 points for his report card. Then, as an employee, wouldn't the same be expected of him?
Spending time with friends,
He had friends from school, but they barely kept in touch. Everyone were either jobseekers like him, or harried newbies at this or that place.
taking up a new hobby,
Togawa wondered what it was he enjoyed. He joined the kendo club at school only because it had been expected of him. That he had been rather good at it was probably a welcome coincidence.
falling in love.
Something he refused to think for himself. And it had pained him to say, out loud, that he probably had none. Wanted none.
Really? The question was exceedingly gentle, and Nozue-san's gaze was infinitely kind. He swore his heart stopped.
Only to restart, almost on cue, when Nozue-san chuckled softly. It's fine if you don't have all your chickens in a row yet. From now on you'll do so many things, see so many things, and maybe one day you'll find a version of yourself that you like best. But you won't find any of that if you use work as an avoidance excuse.
He wanted to much to retort, but it seemed that he hadn't been given time. Look! A taxi to save you from unwanted old-man advice!
Togawa ended up asking the taxi to stop next to an empty playground, still a long way away from their destination. The driver didn't ask questions, merely checked if he was okay. He assured the man he was fine.
The playground was quiet, in a quiet neighborhood too. From the top of the jungle gym, he could see almost all the way around. Only a few windows still had their lights on, most of them were dark. Street lamps, few and far in between, flickered. A cat crossed the road almost leisurely. Even here, at the edge of the city, it wasn't dark enough to let him see stars in the sky, but the moon was a fat and bright yellow waxing gibbous one.
He had started the day going through the motion, did what he thought he should do because it had been expected of him. What he thought everyone else wanted him to do.
I had a good feeling you'll get accepted, you know.
When before he didn't let himself believe, now he only wished with all his might that it would come true. He wondered what department Nozue-san was in. He realized he forgot to ask the other man about it.