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Donnie had never been a particularly emotional person. But over the weeks- since Leo's …accident, he had begun to show it more. In all honesty, Leo's attempt to sacrifice had shaken him to his absolute core, he felt so scared about his brother at that point in time; just thinking about it made him tear up. But he stayed quiet about it. He didn’t have a right to be upset, did he? After all, Leo was the one who had sacrificed his life. He was the one who had taken the most damage next to raphael; emotionally sure but physically especially.
Donnie put his head in his hands, it was late at night, April had been over helping him work on a project. But she had left to get coffee from the surface- it was always better coming from there.
Donnie rubbed his eyes, sitting in a half lit room, body shaking with sob’s. He hated feeling so vulnerable even with nobody around it hurt so fucking much.
He didn’t hear the door open as April came in. She stood there, watching him as she gently put down the coffee tray. She went to him, holding a blanket.
“When did you last eat?” SHe asked quietly, putting the sheet over his shoulders, but she stayed there. It was the little pieces of contact which were okay, nothing major…but it was all Donnie craved right now.
“Breakfast” he said, trying to stop the tears.
“Donnie-”
“Don’t.” he said quickly. “Don’t lecture me right now. I don’t need or want to be lectured about my eating habits, alright? I know what you're going to say, you know that’s not good for you, you need to eat. Let me make you something! I don’t want to eat. I'm not hungry. I'm drained. My head- my head is just-” He put his head in his hands, sobbing shakily.
April was usually quick to get annoyed when being spoken to in such a way, but she couldn’t right now. She understood completely… Donnie wasn’t the only one like that right now, he and Leo were just the only ones who were holding everything together at that point…
“Can I hug you?” She asked, Donnie didn’t even respond, he turned on the chair and wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her as tight as possible as he sobbed. She put her hands on his back and head, just holding him there while he cried.
“Tell me what’s going on in your head…” She said, running her thumb along his head.
“It’s leo! It’s fucking leo! He acts like nothing happened but if it hadn't been for Mikey he would have died that day! And you know what the worst part is? It was all because of my inability to control that godforsaken ship! I don’t know what I was thinking! I should have fought harder- it should have been me! It should have been me in that situation! It isn’t fucking fair on him, he already has it hard but what makes it worse is that i feel like im not allowed to feel this way, which im right! There's a reason it feel’s so shitty and it’s because i'm not meant to be upset, and-”
“Donnie, I'm going to stop you right there,” April said, making him look up at her. “What leo did was fucked up, but it was incredibly brave. I could never have done something like that, there’s a reason it was him who went. He knew it was the right thing to do. None of us could have reached him and he sent you all back to ground level for a reason, to protect you. But you know what? He had faith in you all. He knew that you all had what it takes to do what needed to be done.” She kissed him on the forehead.
“Donnie…i know it’s scary, and traumatising. That’s what you're going through right now, trauma. And I hate to say it but this probably won’t be the last time. I’m not going to tell you to toughen up or any of that stuff, what i will say though is you need to let this out. You are right, you feel this way for a reason, and yeah, it’s a shit feeling, but it’s not because of the reason’s you think. You need time to process” April took his hands, making him stand up. She often forgot how tall he was. But she didn’t comment on it, leading him over to his bed, sitting down before pulling him on top of her, head on April's chest.
“You need sleep. And I'm not going to let you go until you’ve had a solid 8 hours or more of it. No coffee either. The only excuse for getting up is the bathroom or food.” DOnnie chuckled shakily, sniffling a bit.
“You take care of me so well….although i can’t deny that a shower does sound good right now…” Donnie mumbled, making April laugh.
“You tell me now?’
Donnie blushed “w-well i didn’t think about it until you said anything! They both giggled a bit, but it was short lived; the sadness washed over Donnie again.
“Okay, well, you go get in, and I'll heat up some food too while you're in there. I’ll bring in some clothes for when you're ready” April said, wiping some tears off his face.
~
Donnie went into the bathroom, undressing. He looked in the mirror, just sighing a little. He fished out his razor, and shaving cream. He was just in short’s and the water was running. He hummed a little, shaving his face. He hated stubble or facial hair in general- too much stimulation!
When he cut himself on the chin though he yelped, having forgotten how sharp they were.
He forgot how sharp they were.
He touched the cut on his face, then curiously he ran it along his thigh… it felt kind of nice. Not in a kinky way, but in a way that felt relieving.
Then he did it again, and again, and again….and again….and…again…. 30 cut’s later he heard the door open. April gasped when she saw Donnie standing there, blood trickling down his thigh.
“Donnie!! “ She cried, dropping the clothes, checking over his leg before taking the razor from him.
“What are you doing? Why would you do that? A-are you-” She quickly shut her mouth, taking a breath. She couldn’t be yelling at him. Not now, not when he was like this.
But it was like a wake up call for donnie. He felt tears stinging at his eye’s.
“Um…i-i don’t know i just…i cut myself, and then i got curious and did it on my leg , and it felt kinda…nice…like a relief and…i just kept going and …i-im sorry” Truth was, this wasn’t actually Donnie’s first time doing it. His ‘curiosity’ was him wondering if it could still provide the same level of relief.
It did.
But April was the only one who actually knew about his past habits.
“Oh god donnie…Please- please don’t do this again. Don’t do this to yourself, please baby don’t you remember what it did to you before?’ SHe cupped his cheek. Donnie didn’t know what to say, his heart was racing. He felt really guilty.
“I'm sorry” He choked out, leaning into her hand. “I'm sorry- gd im sorry- i-”
“Shh, hey, hey wait, no don’t-” April pulled him into a hug. “Don’t apologise…just…god please don’t do that, you…i don’t think i could take it…seeing you get to that state again…please” She took a slow breath. “Come, let’s get these off and get you into the shower, alright? Get you cleaned up, get some food and water into you and go back to bed, okay”
DOnnie nodded quickly, rubbing his eyes. He was a shell of the man he used to be. He got down under the water, cleaning up before drying off and sitting on the toilet, letting April clean up the cut’s and bandage them properly.
Donnie leant forward, resting his head on her shoulder as she did…it made him feel safe…
Not physically safe- she was probably the last person he’d ever trust with his life to be honest- or…the second maybe but definitely not the first. But he felt emotionally safe, someone who took care of him but didn’t expose him to his family… It was comforting.
“I love you…i’m sorry i keep hurting you…but i love you,” Donnie said, blinking away old tears. April looked up at him.
“I love you too” She said, kissing him before pulling him back to the bed. She pulled him close, covering him in blankets and playing his comfort show while holding him close. DOnnie very quickly fell asleep with his head on her chest… it was the first bit of sleep he’d had in weeks…