Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In the enormous and brilliant world that he’d transferred from Inazuma into, so different from everything he’d ever known, Xinyan stood out as stark, bursting, and evocative. It took some contextual evidence, but they had eventually picked up on the fact that she was widely considered an outcast within her own Liyuen culture. Be that as it may, Kazuha Kaedehara himself had never been one to be dictated by the beaten path.

It was probably inevitable, then, how they drew each other closer by virtue of their very nature alone. Xinyan was a free spirit, unfettered in her love for music and free expression. So kind and so perceptive, caring for the whole world in her own way, he thought. His mind and heart are easily swayed to different destinations, and it did not shock him too much to find that he’d become enamored by her existence.

There was hesitance from probably well-intending, but definitely judgemental folks as they started to become glued to each other’s sides. Image was the most important thing for them, Kazuha figured. When the two of them began to nurture the spark, people warned him thoughtlessly.

“She’s lovely,” they would say, “she’s just… not the kind of girl you’d want to marry.”

Kazuha couldn’t begin to wrap their head around such a statement. They’d do it again and again and again, they thought, if it meant that they could see Xinyan smile like this, could hold her and treasure her like this until the end of time.

Between the two of them, Kazuha knew that he was the dozer, so it made moments like this all the more rare. It was too loud for him to sleep anyway, he figured. He loved it when the world around him would simmer into stillness and give a gentle reprieve to his overacting senses, warmth coaxing him into a nook to rest in. As it stood, the venue remained active and loud even as a majority of people, sans their dispersed friends.

But Xinyan was an oasis in his palms, a breathing being to be loved. The aroma of vanilla and cinnamon just lingering from her lotion, the inoffensive grease from handling her equipment to and from, the scent of light sweat that had gathered at her brow under the lights— a scent so human and bare. Her rhythmic steady breathing soothed Kazuha, and her natural warmth on his skin cushioned him from the world. The calm reprieve was here in his arms.

People said that Xinyan was rough around the edges, if not outright far too much for any one individual. Kazuha may have once tried to envision it just to attempt to gain an empathetic view. However, as they remembered her sweet affirmations in the dead of night, the bashfulness that followed no matter how many kisses they shared at once, the way she melted into hugs like it was the only place either of them could ever remain, and the way she sang with them in a whisper on a whim until they slept, it never landed too deeply. Kazuha mused that not many people took the time to peer into her heart and treat it gently. Although they were glad to keep a copy of the image next to his soul forever, they thought, maybe selfishly, that there was a sense of pride in being a place of reprieve for her, too.

If her lips were bitten, his were worse. It didn’t matter anyhow.

Xinyan must have been truly exhausted if it only took two drinks for her to pass out. She had never been a lightweight in all of the time Kazuha had known her, with her always being the one to drag him to a proper bed and catch him up to speed once sober. It probably meant that she was wearing herself out long before she had even arrived at the venue.

That’s just like her, to give her whole body and soul to her passions before anything else. Her free spirit and diligence was something he could empathize with easily, and he would never tell her to be less than herself. He knew that she would only ever do the same for him— has done the same.

Kazuha used to think that settling into any romantic connections couldn’t be within his sights, beyond the breeze that comes with being conscious among others. Fleeting things, no less valuable in shaping his character, but not tethering. Change is the only constant in the world, and it would be amiss to call himself one with such a world if he weren’t also a person ever-changing in his course.

However, Xinyan was not a place. She was not a period of time, a mood swing, or something measurable like phases of the moon. Xinyan was the presence of fire, music, the rhythm of the earth, the nurturing absence of weighing others down. She was instead the sun, ever present, ever illuminating even when out of sight. Kazuha knows that it would not be possible to consider their relationship like an anchor, for nothing could ever attempt to reign in the starlight bursting from her chest. Xinyan could not be bound, and she wasn’t made to be so. She was made to shine, like the north star that guided him no matter where he went.

And in some ways, Kazuha liked to think that they could be similar to her, too. Not an anchor, but never far from her in spirit. They had loved before, of course, as did she. But they think that if such a thing like soulmates could exist, which they didn’t know how he felt about to begin with, everything that led up to this was important in getting here. They owe their loves and losses, hardships and successes, for bringing them here.

The Red Strings had gradually begun to grow in popularity. Kazuha had always known this would happen and would frequently let Xinyan know, even if she’d humbly laugh it off. But now that it’s become a reality, now that she had the opportunity to travel the world and pour her heart out into each and every chord and give a piece to every person willing to lend an ear, her very being had begun to vibrate and amplify. It was beautiful— she was beautiful. And he would join her melodious echoes no matter where they would reach.

When Xinyan stirred, he sensed it before it happened. Maybe it was a change in her breathing or a tenseness in her muscles, but either way, her head lopped up from his shoulder and shook the hair from her eyes. Kazuha watched her glance around at the area, at her guitar case littered with stickers by their feet, and then over to him. He could sustain himself off of the hue of her eyes alone, he thought, before she made a sudden noise of awareness. “Lemme guess. I conked out?”

“More peaceful than ever,” Kazuha answered softly, reaching up to smooth back the edges of her pulled-back hair. “You didn’t so much as fidget when I carried you here.”

“You carried me?” she asked, stunned. He gave a small nod and smile, like he didn’t know exactly how she felt about those kinds of displays of affection. Xinyan sighed, but moved to crack her back. “Oh, well. These guys are my friends, I don’t mind lookin’ like a fool in front’a them... How the turntables.”

Kazuha lets a huff of laughter escape him before stretching out his legs as well, which they both seemed to remember at the same time were being occupied by Xinyan. She stepped up and into another, cat-like stretch with her arms above her head, and he was soon to follow. Together, they bid their goodnights to their companions and began to depart. At a brief display of her exhaustedly teetering balance, Kazuha returned his hand— his bandaged right— to the small of her back automatically.

“M’not immoble or nothin’, Kazuha,” Xinyan laughed, but clearly appreciated the support given that she held onto him all the way to their white hand-me-down van at the edge of the parking lot. Xinyan yawned again while stepping up into the passenger's side, tossing her keys to the driver’s seat. Kazuha could only shake his head in endearment. She must have been so tired to not even be able to make a joke about him driving. After situating her guitar in the backseat, she blinked, whipping her head around in confused examination. “All of my amps and stuff—“

“Chongyun, Beidou, and Xiao offered to help load the trunk while you were out of it,” Kazuha explained, buckling theur seatbelt and stirring the engine to life after a bit of stuttering. “Do you want to pick up food before we get home?”

Xinyan finally swung herself into the seat with a sigh, shutting the door and tilting her head back on the headrest. The way her rarely sported singular-ponytail smushed against it was too cute to him. “Nah. I just wanna get home. Sheesh, I’ll have’ta message and thank them before I forget. Do you need anything?”

Kazuha shook their head and handed the aux cord over to her habitually. “No, I’m fine. Let’s go home, then.”

Despite the sleepiness coating her voice, as soon as her phone was connected to the stereo, she began to sing along with anything and everything that played— her entire song library on shuffle made for an eclectic mix, of course— and Kazuha couldn’t help but feel stirred. They hummed in harmony and tapped along the steering wheel to the beat.

It was an easy, timeless exchange between them, as breathing in and out is for one’s body and the world. It’s one of those things that Kazuha thought helped their souls’ link together grow in some kind of incandescent way.

There was hardly anything happening in Kazuha’s mind between parking the car and trudging upstairs and into their bedroom. He could see the weight of exhaustion on her shoulders even as she relieved herself from each piece of dress. After finalizing his own wardrobe for sleep, he crossed over to her to help her finish undoing all of the buttons and zippers that made up the stage outfit. With Xinyan changed into a t-shirt and shorts, and the both of them having washed faces free of makeup, they collapsed into the comforter on their bed like diving into a pool.

Kazuha had grown up accustomed to futons, but considering his former era of sleeping in a car, and Xinyan’s occasional back issues, it wasn’t that hard to convince him to share a queen size mattress. She had been so excited when she was able to afford one herself given that she wasn’t particularly jazzed about her childhood old thing, and that it had been a little less comfortable for the two of them to fit in together. Kazuha hadn’t minded at the time regardless, but he might have just been distracted by the company.

Xinyan ran just a bit warmer than Kazuha, so it was more often him seeking her out in lounging that the other way around. Like clockwork, he reached out underneath the already ruffled sea of black linen, found her shoulder blade first, then cradled the rest of his body around her like a starfish clinging to the ocean floor. Face buried in the crook where her neck and shoulders met, he sighed through his nose and earned himself a shuffle.

“Fshh, Kazuha, don’t go ticklin me,” she warned with no heat nor bite whatsoever. Drowsiness softened the timbre of her into a sound that resonated into his bones. The vibrations of soundless giggling made them smile against her as they placed two kisses right on the same spot. Despite her words, after turning to press a kiss to their nose, she leaned her body right in, slotting her back to their front and in one motion becoming a seamless being.

“I have to meet with Beidou in the morning,” he whispered, tracing shapes on her arm with his fingers. “I’ll be back close to noon.”

Xinyan hummed affirmatively. “Okay… leave some coffee out before you go.” She knew that meeting with people early in the day for any pre-planned reason makes him take coffee over tea first thing. She always remembered, he thought with warmth.

“Alright. Good night, my love,” he murmured, kissing her smooth skin yet again and smiling at the muffled, unclear response he got in return. As her breathing began to even out, he counted the beat of his heart to the intervals between her inhales and exhales. To be one thing didn’t have to involve holding anything back. It did, however, ground him, made him feel secure, gave him a new, personal definition or home.

Xinyan was beyond lovely; she was a privilege to know and an even greater privilege to love. Despite them never having thought that something legally binding and performative like marriage was necessary, they thought that if they ever had the need or opportunity to marry her someday, stars willing, then they would consider themselves one of the luckiest people on planet earth.

Chapter Text

Xinyan liked herself an afternoon nap, maybe not as much as her chronically relaxed boyfriend, though definitely still. But she couldn’t make herself catch a wink of it for the life of her on this particular day. She was still managing to act like a regular person, thankfully, but with her tossing and turning about on her small mattress it probably didn’t seem that way. 

An eventual chime from her phone broke the monotony of her current state— speaking of her partner, that’s their alert. Xinyan lifted her head from the pillow she clung onto and reached over for where it layed. She unplugged the cord so she could properly look at her screen, and upon unlocking it, she felt herself grin from ear to ear. 

kazuhyah:

i just made it. i’ll probably be done with things here by tonight if you want me to come over again to get dinner. 

Oh, god, calm down. Just reply like a normal person, please, she willed to herself. 

me:

awesome!!! i can cook some fish?

kazuhyah:

i would die for you. 

have you gotten any rest since this morning?

At the reference to the day’s earlier events, Xinyan’s composure flew out the window with great abandon. She slammed her face back into the pillow and tried to count to 10, or at least until she felt less like smoke was coming out of her ears. After a bit of time, she found it in her to reply. 

me:

i havent been to sleep or anything :P but i have been laying here for a while so that counts as rest!

She laid her phone face-down, sat up on the bed, and cupped her face in her hands. There was no reason to act like this when he wasn't even there and everything was wrapped up hours ago. The musician deeply sighed into her palms. Did she really have to blush like some pure maiden over it? How long was she going to be this affected!?

Collapsing back onto the bed, she stretched out her admittedly sore limbs before going limp atop her blanket and staring up at the ceiling intently. 

Okay. So they… tried some things out. People did that all the time! People in their own circles their age did it all the time! But it was the first of their relationship, and Xinyan’s first… anything in general. Kazuha had a bit of experience from the past, which if anything made her feel both relieved, and like she was submitting herself to be scrutinized under a microscope. 

It went just fine at first. They communicated boundaries clearly ahead of time, they prepared well, and while Xinyan desperately needed these things for her peace of mind’s insurance, she also worried that she had made things too clinical. But she hadn’t— Kazuha wanted those things, too. And, somehow, it seemed to make it easier for the two of them to get caught up in the moment. 

Which would have been fine… if she hadn’t chickened out suddenly. Kazuha was immediately understanding like always, but Xinyan felt the shame snowball from the moment they stopped. It’s supposed to come naturally in a successful relationship, right? Her friends have mentioned it offhandedly, like it was a facet of romance that came inherently at some point, and while she knew better than to walk around expecting others’ experiences to fit perfectly on her, she sat with the idea that maybe she would never be able to get over this hurdle. 

But it’s not like she didn’t want it. 

Kazuha must have known that Xinyan would be too embarrassed to admit that she was feeling embarrassed to begin with, vulnerable and curled in her bed. Ideally, they’d said, they would have stayed for longer than they did after the fact to chill, talk it out, assure her and figure out how they both felt in-depth. Unfortunately, they had to leave earlier than they had wanted, and though Xinyan had assured them that she wasn’t so fragile and sent them off, she seemed to understand what he meant the more time had passed. 

The phone buzzed again, and she peeked it upward to just barely make out the words.

kazuhyah:

talk to me, love. i’m here to listen; i’m doing  mindless work anyhow. 

Any other time, Xinyan would just grin and simmer in content at the term of endearment, maybe make a semicolon joke, but currently her mind felt like a field densely full of emotional landmines. There was no use in lying about it, since Kazuha seemed to have a sixth sense about that kind of thing. So, breath hitching, she typed a reply.

me: 

i just kind of feel like i’m buzzing with nerves or smth?

idk, it’s a little silly! 

i guess i just wanna know how you feel about it all 

kazuhyah:

it’s not silly. one moment

Xinyan watched the typing bubble pop in and out of view a few times over a few minutes, and when the waiting became too much, she flopped out of her bed to go get some water. She stretched out her arms yet again and, legs wobbly, slipped on her slippers and shuffled to the kitchen. By the time she returned, there were two new messages. 

kazuhyah:

i was nervous too. i know that you haven’t done anything like that before, so i wanted to make sure that you were having an experience as good as i could provide. i felt bad that i had to leave too soon when all i wanted to do was stay with you. 

regardless, i’m happy. i won’t let you think for a second that i’m not. doing anything with you makes me happy, xinyan. being able to make you smile like that is all i can ever ask for, for its own sake. i’m happy that we’re close, and that you felt comfortable letting me know. i love you very much and while i know you know that already, i just want you to know for sure that i still felt good, and that i would still try it again. 

As expected, Xinyan felt like she’d been winded with those two messages alone. Kazuha was always long-winded and poetic about things, but they also knew what to say to ground her in carefully crafted concrete statements, too. Though she didn’t know what to say in return just yet, she’d gotten an out in the form of their continued typing. 

kazuhyah:

don’t worry so much. i know your brows are all furrowed right now. when i get back, we can talk or not talk and simply cuddle for a while all we want, okay? 

After some deep breaths, Xinyan found herself settling down. Kazuha was right. It wasn’t as if they only had this one instance to work things out seamlessly. If whatever deities that might’ve been out there allowed it, she would have until the end of time with Kazuha to figure everything out. 

Downing her cup of water, she flopped back onto the bed and meditated on his words a bit longer until her head felt less like static. Her fingers brushed by a tender spot on her neck where she knew he’d left a gentle mark, shivering, but no longer reacting so violently flustered for the time being. 

me:

thank you, babe

kazuhyah:

don’t thank me for the bare minimum that you ask of me, my star. 

Now. Time to practice her guitar for a while…

Despite everything, it wasn’t awkward when Kazuha came back over to her place. Maybe it was helped by the fact that Xinyan had been preoccupied making dinner for the two of them (mackerel delivered to her via Beidou the day before. Xinyan would need to think of what to give in return when the woman came back around town in the following week.)

It still surprised her when an arm wrapped around her from behind suddenly, since she had been playing music while cooking and didn’t hear him approach. “You gotta stop scarin’ the bejeezus outta me when I have a hot pan in my hand, dude!” Kazuha laughed airily and gave her a squeeze before retreating, moving to put his things away in her room. 

Since moving out on her own, Xinyan had found the silence of mealtime very distracting. While blasting her favorite albums made for decent company, she was grateful that Kazuha had made a habit of visiting her. Maybe he knew it was bothering her, or maybe he was doing it for himself— maybe both. 

Either way, they sat at her little coffee table and ate and chatted away together like normal at first. The distance or lack thereof between them usually didn’t bother Xinyan, but tonight she was hyper aware of Kazuha’s movements, the lilt of his voice, the brushes against her shoulder. Towards the end of their meal, as his hand came to rest against the side of her thigh by chance (even over her black sweatpants), she nearly jumped off of the ground with a squeak. 

Kazuha paused, blinking and raising his hand away. “You seem a little jumpy... Are you alright?”

“No— yes, m’peachy keen!” Xinyan said automatically, finishing off the last of her fish with a flourish of her chopsticks. She knew right away that her partner didn’t buy the dramatics by the look in their eyes, so she cleared her throat and tried again. “Sorry, baby, I don’t… know why I’m weird right now.”

Giving it a beat of consideration, Kazuha hummed and pushed their empty plate away and stood. “Thank you for the meal, Xinyan. It was delicious, as expected.” Xinyan watched with her stomach in foreign knots as they stretched and scooped up both of their dishes to relocate them to the sink, a bit worried by the abrupt redirection— had she said something wrong? But when they stood by the doorway to her room and leaned against the frame with an easy smile, she felt a bit less tense. “Let’s lie down?”

In bed, Xinyan laid propped up against a pillow on her back, tilted towards Kazuha who was adjacent to her, on his side and held up by his elbow to face her. She could feel the poet’s red eyes scan her face and down to her hands, and she didn’t know what to do with herself for the time being. Luckily, again, Kazuha reached out first. “May I?”

Xinyan nodded, watching his adjustment to wrap an arm around her middle with baited breath. There was really no need for her to feel so flustered, her knees bunching together as if to quell it. Kazuha, meanwhile, continued to simply gaze at her. After a deep breath, she took the plunge and shuffled closer, saying, “You said that… everything was fine, right?”

“Right,” Kazuha replied, lips upturning fondly. “You’re okay, right? You were fine earlier, but are you hurting anywhere?”

Xinyan gulped, hands gripping at the sheets for some sort of way to direct the rapid energy striking her heart. Despite that, she managed to give him a grin. “Pshh, I’m perfectly fine. M’just a little sore, but I get worse from liftin’ the amps.”

Kazuha nodded as his expression relaxed a bit. “I’m glad.” He reached to wrap himself around her further, cheek touching her shoulder with a sigh. Xinyan could feel the unusual heat radiating from his face now— could it be that it was just as embarrassing for him? New perspective unlocked, she examined the way he sighed against her and absently started trailing his fingertips against her bare skin, and it hit her that this was the exact same Kazuha she’d seen last night, and over the weekend, and last week, and the last. He was allowing himself to be nearly more vulnerable than she had all day at this very moment. 

“I liked it a lot,” she blurted suddenly, overcome with an unknown feeling. Kazuha blinked up at her in equal parts surprise and curiosity, urging her to continue. “I dunno what I thought it’d be like. Think I thought I had’ta be all… like, rock-solid ‘bout it, or like I wasn’t affected. I guess I didn’t wanna be dramatic, but in the end I ended up here anyways, huh?”

The two shared an easy, honest laugh. Xinyan could feel tension melt off from his shoulders. 

“But, like… I dunno. You’re always sweet on me. N’ you’ve always treated me real nice, n’ in all kindsa ways I never really thought about wantin’ or needin’. This was all exactly like that… nothin’ was different, ‘cept it felt like more. I wasn’t not enjoyin’ it. I guess I just wasn’t expectin’ it to be… so much.”

Kazuha backs away to look at her, running their fingers along the part of her hair tenderly. Xinyan had never considered herself a wordsmith, especially not in comparison to her partner, so she felt as though this was a perfect opportunity to try her best. 

“I feel kinda lucky, y’know. I’ve heard from, like, friends or other people online that their first times kinda suck in one way or another. I thought that I...” She flipped her hand about in a gesturing motion, groaning at her inability to form words. “What I mean is, I was freakin’ out ‘cause I thought I sabotaged a good thing. But you’ve been real patient with me, like usual, so… Thank you.”

Kazuha shook his head and nuzzled at her shoulder gently. A dark corner of her mind supplied the image of them leaving more marks on each other, littering their shoulders and elsewhere, but she shook it away when he began to speak, words carefully measured, but with a tone that confirmed that it came straight from his heart. “Xinyan, you’re definitely giving me too much credit. Have you ever considered that you’re simply an incredibly easy person to adore?”

Xinyan didn’t know what to say to this, so she half-heartedly tried to wave him off of her, muttering, but not really succeeding. Kazuha started to openly laugh, almost doubling over, which caused a chain reaction and elicited the same from her. Awkwardness from her prior embarrassment and having to talk so seriously melted away until they evaporated into stray giggles and hiccups. 

“Besides,” Kazuha whispered, definitely no longer taking it seriously, made incredibly obvious by the way that he winked so painfully that it made Xinyan snort right back. “What do they say…? Something like, practice makes perfect?”

Xinyan, despite everything, had it in her to shove at his chest playfully. “I dunno what they say, but I say you’re cheesy,” she teased, getting another giggle out of him before connecting their lips into a kiss.