Chapter Text
Seonghwa is pregnant. He’s looking at the test and there is no mistake. He can feel a mix of emotions overwhelming him. He's happy. Of course he’s happy. With Hongjoong they tried for months and it’s finally happening. But he’s also scared. He’s pregnant. It’s hard to realize. He puts his hand on his belly, but he feels nothing. It’s still flat. But there’s something growing inside him. And maybe he feels different. Maybe he convinces himself he feels different, but either way, he’s pregnant. He starts crying. He doesn’t know why, it’s just too much. His sobs get louder and soon Hongjoong appears. They look like they ran. They did. Because hearing Seonghwa distressed made them drop everything to be by his side. They don’t try to understand what is going on yet, they need to take Seonghwa in their arms first, to make sure he’s fine.
“Hey. I’m here. You’re okay. Shhh.”
They try their best to calm Seonghwa down, holding him tightly while sitting on the floor. Once he can breathe again, Hongjoong detaches themself to ask: “What happened?”
Seonghwa looks at them with bright eyes and then in the direction of the sink where the pregnancy test is resting. Hongjoong follows his gaze. They look at it and it clicks. They have never seen two lines before. Their eyes widen.
“You’re? You’re pregnant?”
Seonghwa nods shyly.
“Oh my god. Oh my god!” Hongjoong jumps on their feet, not knowing what to do with themself. They end up falling back on the floor with Seonghwa to hold his face and kiss him all over. “We’re going to be parents! I can’t believe it!” When they taste salt on their lips though, they stop. “Wait. Those are happy tears right?” Because even if Hongjoong is excited and both of them have talked about it a lot before, Seonghwa can always change his mind and his well-being matters more than anything else.
Seonghwa takes their hands in his and looks them in the eyes.
“Yes, those are happy tears.” There is something more on the tip of his tongue. Concerns. Should he tell Hongjoong? Well, communication is the key, right? So he probably should. Hongjoong is already waiting for him to find the courage to say it anyway, because they know Seonghwa wants to add something. They can read it on his face. And Seonghwa, well, he can trust Hongjoong.
“But I’m… What if I’m not a good parent? What if I mess up?”
Seonghwa starts panicking again, but this time Hongjoong doesn’t let him slip. They hold him firmly and make him look at them.
“We’re in this together. And we’re probably going to mess up. The goal is to not mess up big enough and I’m trusting us for that. So what if we flood the bathroom while playing with the kid in the bath? What if we have paint in our hair when we explore our kid’s creativity? What if they fall from their bike when nobody could’ve predicted it? What if they slam their door because they’re upset? We experienced these things and they will too. And as parents, what we have to do is teach them to clean after their mess, to give them magic kisses on their wounds, to take care of them and to give them their space to express their emotions while being open to talk.”
Seonghwa looks reassured as the words flood from Hongjoong’s mouth. He doesn’t know why he was so scared when Hongjoong knows what they’re doing. It’s obvious. He can’t help but smile fondly at them.
“You’re going to be such a good parent.
-You too, Bun. We’re a team, remember? And I’m not going to lie, I’m scared too, but I know we can do it.”
Hongjoong doesn’t look scared, they look so put together. But Seonghwa is glad he’s not alone. They both stay like that a little more, relying on each other.
***
Later that day, when their emotions aren’t as overwhelming anymore, Hongjoong decides to address something that they can’t stop thinking about.
“Bun, I have a question.
-Hm?”
Seonghwa doesn’t look up from the magazine he’s currently reading, but Hongjoong knows he’s still listening to them.
“Why did you take that test alone?”
Now Seonghwa drops the magazine on his lap. He should have known Hongjoong was going to ask. And maybe he should have waited to look at the test with them, but he wanted to spare them the disappointment. He didn’t want to see the broken pieces of their hope in their eyes. So he decided to do it alone without saying anything.
“Oh, well. I didn’t want you to be sad if it was negative.”
Hongjoong nods but the answer doesn’t appease them at all.
“How many tests did you take alone then?”
They know Seonghwa and they know it’s probably not the first time. They just want to know how much they missed.
“F-Five.”
Seonghwa bits his lips and his cheeks turn pink. He starts sniffling and his eyes fill up with tears. Hongjoong puts one of their arms around his shoulders.
“Oh Seonghwa… You should’ve told me. We should’ve done this together. I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.”
They get closer on the couch, because they definitely need another cuddle session now.
“I’m sorry too. It’s just… You had so many expectations, it crushed me to see you disappointed every time.”
Hongjoong is bad at hiding their emotions, especially to Seonghwa who has known them since forever. So yeah, it was probably obvious to him that they weren’t taking the lonely line well. Maybe they should’ve hidden it better?
“I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you.”
Seonghwa shakes his head against Hongjoong.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Hongjoong chuckles. It’s done anyways so there is no need to hold a grudge. They both apologized, but now they can concentrate on the happy news.
“Let’s stop saying sorry. I understand why you did that and you have to understand that I’ll always be here for you. I’m here for the happy moments but also the sad ones.”
Hongjoong bumps Seonghwa’s nose with their finger making him giggle. He feels so much lighter now.
“I understand. Thank you Joongie.”
Hongjoong rubs their thumbs on Seonghwa’s cheeks.
“Okay, now dry your tears, we have a lot to talk about. I’m calling dibs to choose the color of their room.”
With a big smile on their face they look at Seonghwa’s face changing. His mouth falls open.
“What? No!” He almost screams. “It’s not gonna match the rest of the house, I know you!”
Their house is filled with soft tones. There are beige, brown and the green from the plants. He can’t let Hongjoong be their artistic self in their child’s bedroom. It needs to match.
“Too bad you weren’t fast enough to call dibs.”
They pinch Seonghwa’s waist before laughing as they fight playfully.
***
They end up deciding together about the bedroom. Seonghwa wants something soft to not overwhelm the baby and Hongjoong agrees. But they already have a design in mind and so far all the colors have been approved, until…
“What about red?”
They’re making a funny face in hope it will pass better. But Seonghwa gasps in a dramatic way.
“Red?! You want me to get a heart attack?”
He has a hand over his heart as if he is having said heart attack and Hongjoong fights the urge to roll their eyes. They need to be on their best behavior to succeed. Also they’re playing the whining card.
“I promise I won’t put much, but it’s important.”
Seonghwa raises an eyebrow, suspicious.
“What are you thinking about Kim Hongjoong?”
Hongjoong bats their eyelashes innocently.
“I can’t say, it’s a surprise. But please trust me?”
Seonghwa looks like he’s thinking about it for a moment before pouting.
“You’re lucky you’re cute.” He kisses Hongjoong’s lips. “Okay for red, but it’s better not be a whole wall or you’ll sleep there and the baby will sleep with me.”
Hongjoong makes a squeak of excitement.
“Yes! Don’t worry, you’ll love it!”
***
Seonghwa does love it. After weeks of hard work, the walls are done and Hongjoong stands proudly in the middle of the room as Seonghwa discovers it. As promised, there isn’t much red, only on the painted lighthouse. There is a boat and the sea and it’s beautiful. It’s calming. And she’s sure their baby is gonna sleep well between these walls.
“Wow, Joongie… You did amazing. It’s so pretty.”
She touches the walls in awe and Hongjoong beams with pride.
“I told you you could trust me.”
She turns to look at him, a soft smile on her lips.
“I know. I trust you with my life. It’s just fun to see you plead for your cause.”
Hongjoong’s mouth falls open in disbelief.
“You! You don’t even trust me with breakfast.”
Now Seonghwa is laughing. It’s so easy to tease them.
“That’s because it’s not only about my life, but all the neighborhood’s.
-You, meanie!”
Hongjoong gets closer to give her a weak punch on the elbow. And of course Seonghwa whines.
“You can’t hit me, I’m pregnant.”
Hongjoong huffs and crosses their arms.
“I hate it here. You’re going to use this excuse all the time.
-I think I got the right to use it. Who had her head in the toilets every morning for three months? Who gets her bladder pressed by a little bean? Who looks puffy all the time?”
Hongjoong surrenders by showing their hands in a sign of defeat. There’s just something they can’t let go.
“Okay, okay, I get it. But just so you know, I think you’re glowing.”
Seonghwa blushes and turns around to hide it. She pretends to look at the painting again. She melts when Hongjoong hugs her from behind.
“No but seriously Hongjoong, I know our baby is going to have nice dreams here.”
Hongjoong hums in her neck and gives her a quick peck before looking at their art too.
“Yeah… They’ll dream of adventures, of pirates and treasures. And they’ll always find their way home, because we’re their lighthouse. We’ll guide them.”
***
Since Seonghwa knows he’s pregnant, he has the habit of rubbing his belly and talking to his little bean. Whispering softly words of reassurance, stories about Hongjoong and how he is impatient to meet them. Sometimes Hongjoong is watching from afar, their heart full of love. They make sure to never interrupt though. Seonghwa is adorable. But inside he’s also struggling, because he doesn’t know what to call Hongjoong when he talks to the baby. He often uses “your other parent” but he kind of hates it. He doesn’t even know how to call himself. Daddy? Papa? Since he feels more masculine these days. But what about the days he feels like Mommy? He’s not sure he wants to change words everytime he feels at a different spot on the gender spectrum. So he thinks about it. Very hard. He spends a lot of time reading forums and trying to find an answer. But nothing fits. So he decides to talk about it with Hongjoong during dinner since they're involved too. And two brains are better than one.
“Joongie.
-Yes, Bun?”
Hongjoong always gives him their undivided attention and it can be intimidating sometimes. But he doesn’t run away from their gaze. Only shifting on his seat.
“I was thinking… What do you want our kid to call you? I was looking for neutral alternatives to mom and dad, but I didn’t find anything I like for me, so I figured I’d ask you so we can think together.”
A light lits up in their eyes as they understand the question.
“Oh I didn’t think about that but it would be nice to have something special. Do you have ideas yet?
-No, I just want something cute.”
Yeah, Seonghwa deserves all the cutest things. They talk about it while eating, throwing syllables and it quickly turns chaotic. They still have time to think about it so even if they take it seriously, they can still have fun.
***
A few days later, Hongjoong is screaming Seonghwa’s name in the whole house. They’re coming out of their studio and they’re looking for their partner.
“Seonghwa! I’m a genius! I did it! I found it! I can’t believe it. I’m such a genius.”
Seonghwa is in the kitchen, trying a new recipe when he hears Hongjoong. He laughs at their antics because they’re just so cute and their enthusiasm reaches Seonghwa who’s now curious. When Hongjoong appears at the kitchen door they have a big smile on their face.
“What did you find my little genius?”
Their smile grows bigger as if it was possible.
“What I want to be called by our kid.”
Seonghwa looks at them with big eyes. He drops everything because he knows he’s going to mess something with how excited he is.
“Really? Tell me! Tell me!”
He’s genuinely interested and he can’t wait to know what Hongjoong came up with.
“Well, I didn’t find anything on the Internet either, but I still liked the idea of easy sounds we talked about. And I know about sounds, since you know I do music for a living. So I just played with sounds and I got frustrated because nothing worked. And then I found it and I felt like a genius. But maybe it’s dumb. Please tell me if it’s dumb. But I really like it…”
Hongjoong is pouting while rambling. They tend to do that a lot when they’re passionate about something and Seonghwa loves it. He loves seeing his partner so full of life. And they know sometimes they just need a little push to come back to him, so he calls their name.
“Joongie?”
They take a deep breath, gathering their courage to say it. They are feeling vulnerable to expose themself like that.
“Nabi. I want to be called Nabi.”
There is a pause. It only lasts for a heart beat, just for Seonghwa to process it.
“It’s beautiful, Joongie and it fits you so well.”
They intertwine their fingers tenderly.
“I know right!” The big smile and the passion is back on Hongjoong’s face. “It sounds a little like enby and it means butterfly in korean and I like the idea of them using it. It will make them closer to our roots.”
They’re both Korean, but they don’t live in Korea anymore, because life got them travelling somewhere else. They don't regret it but sometimes they miss it and they want their kid to be raised in their culture. They’re very proud of it.
“You really thought of everything.
-Of course! Who are you taking me for?”
Hongjoong fakes being offended, but that only makes Seonghwa want to tease them more and he pats their head.
“Joongie so smart!
-I know. Now do you want to hear about yours?”
It's their turn to laugh when they see the surprise on Seonghwa’s face.
“What? You thought about something for me?
-Honestly, I didn’t have to think. It just came right after I found mine.”
Like everything was falling into place. Seonghwa chuckles.
“Wow. My partner is truly a genius.
-Do you want to hear or not?”
Hongjoong is not the most patient person. And Seonghwa isn’t either. He bounces like an excited bunny.
“Yes, yes please.
-Tokki! You can say if you don’t like it, but I think it suits you. That way we’re matching and since I’m already calling you Bun…”
Seonghwa doesn’t know if it’s the hormones or his love for Hongjoong but he starts crying. Nabi and Tokki. Butterfly and Bunny.
“Hwa? Why are you crying?”
They try to wipe his tears but they don’t stop falling.
“It’s just… It’s so perfect. I love it. I love you so much.”
Hongjoong cooes as Seonghwa takes them into his arms.
“Aw, I love you too, Bun.”