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Nothing exists in this world that cannot be made more evil or sinister, or more cool and sophisticated, just by adding the suffix -inator. Welcome to Night Vale.
Well, listeners, it’s summer. And we all know what that means: students enjoying the relative freedom that these months allow, while desperately trying to avoid being conscripted into this year’s summer reading program. It’s also a time for travel; to visit nearby times and spaces and see what there is to see, do what there is to do, and praise what there is to praise.
This all seems to be the thought of two young visitors spotted in town today, visiting our local Boy Scout troop. I hope they have a fun time learning our local troop's ways, howling at the moon as is traditional Boy Scout custom, and perhaps visiting good ol’ Franky and Barty out in front of City Hall.
And remember, if you come across these two strange children, or any other visitor to our humble desert town, be sure to point and yell INTERLOPER to make them feel welcome. It is only polite, after all.
And now, traffic.
Imagine you are a platypus. Under the right light, most platypuses are teal. But you are teal all the time. Now, imagine your hat collection. As a platypus, it is naturally a collection of some size. You might have a fedora, and one or two trilbies, and perhaps a fez that you save for special occasions. Now, imagine choosing one of the hats—your grey-brown trilby, perhaps, which you got after five years on the job—and putting it on with your little platypus paws. And now that you’re all dressed, imagine that you were heading out to fight crime. You would want the streets pretty clear on your way to crime fighting, wouldn’t you? I mean, when you’re upholding the law and stopping evil wherever it may be incorporated, every second counts! So, keeping that in mind, I’d suggest avoiding route 800 today, if at all possible. The backups there are going to be a doozy. Still, you go, little platypus. You go.
We have just learned, dear listeners, that our two young visitors are named Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher. They are from Danville, a city found in the tri-state area. They are step brothers, each from their parents’ first marriages, and are both the same age. Phineas is the short, angular one, who carries on most of their conversations. Ferb is more of the tall, silent type, though on the rare occasion in which he speaks it is with an accent that is both unforgettable, and hard to place. This is because, according to our sources, Ferb originally hails from a country known as… En-gland? Engle-land? Sources were unsure of the exact pronunciation, but say it is located somewhere in Europe, although none of them could pinpoint its location in relation to Franchia or Svitz. So… it’s probably some weird micronation off the coast of some nation or another.
We have also learned that they are the son and stepson of none other than Lindana. Older residents may remember when Phineas’ mother and Ferb’s stepmother came to town, informing us that she was, indeed, Lindana and that she wanted to have fun, infusing all of us with this message in song until half the town had legally changed their name to Lindana in solidarity, and nearly everything, including the sun overhead itself, had come to a standstill so we all could party in the streets, having nothing but fun, fun, fun, as the song suggested we all so desperately wanted, wanted, wanted. Let us hope that these two boys don’t lead us down a similar path.
Or perhaps they should. It’s been a while since we’ve all had a good street party, after all.
Speaking of which, let’s take a look at our community calendar.
Thanks to the successful campaigning of the Summer Weekend Squad, every day this summer will be referred to—and likewise treated—as a Saturday. That said, here’s some upcoming activities.
The Night Vale Fire Department will be holding a mandatory town-wide fire drill on Saturday. Be sure to know where all the exits to your house are, and what your designated meeting area is on the outskirts of our town’s limits. All those who do not show up will be pronounced traitors, and presumed as good as dead.
The weekly meeting of the Council for a Blood-Soaked Night Vale has been moved from Saturday to Saturday.
And finally, Saturday marks the anniversary of the day in which Glow Cloud graced Night Vale with its presence, arriving from the west and filling all of us with the inescapable desire to supplicate ourselves to its glory. A celebration will be held in which all will hail the glow cloud. We will give our teeth. We will give our blood. We will praise in song and in motion with every raspy breath. All Hail.
This has been the community calendar.
Breaking news, listeners. Sources tell me Phineas and Ferb hope to earn their invisibility badges during their stay in Night Vale. While generally not offered to anyone below the rank of Weird Scout, our town is nothing if not welcoming to visitors, and it seems these boys are nothing if not tenacious. So let us see if they can fulfil their collective dream, and the dream of so many scouts that have come before them today, and hope that they do not meet the same gruesome end as many who have attempted the task before.
Now, I talked to Earl Harlan some time ago about what it takes to earn the invisibility badge, and he had some advice.
The first thing that anyone wishing to earn the invisibility badge must do is contemplate the nature of invisibility itself.
It is not a state of totally disappearing, as that would mean there would be no-one to give the badge to, nor anywhere to put it. Nor is it a state of simply not being seen, as those in attendance were reminded mere moments ago, when Phineas was almost rewarded the badge early on, before it was discovered that he’d simply been hiding behind his brother. No, it is a case of either refracting light, or else letting it slide through you entirely, so that mass may still be felt, but there is nothing to see where that mass clearly indicates that something must be.
So far, the boys have not quite managed to figure out how to make their bodies perform this visually taxing feat, but I am assured that the day is still young, and that they can take as long as they need. More on this story as it develops. But first a word from our sponsor.
Oh! It seems there are two today! Let’s see…
Are you a villain in need of support? Do you have evil in your heart, and would like a group with which to brainstorm and steal potential maniacal schemes? Well, then we’re here to help. Following its admittedly mixed success in the greater tri-state area, L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. is proud to admit that it is opening a local chapter in Night Vale. Its first meeting will be held on Saturday, and all evildoers are welcome to attend. Except those evildoers from Desert Bluffs. There are just some standards that even evil agencies will not stoop to, after all. L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.: If you’re evil, we’re here to help.
Following the announcement of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. opening its latest chapter in Night Vale, the O.W.C.A. announces that it will also be opening a chapter here in Night Vale. Anyone wishing to thwart evil wherever it may lurk is welcome to stop by their secret headquarters to learn more, providing you can find it. Cute, unassuming animals are especially encouraged to apply.
Well, listeners, it seems that Ferb Fletcher has done it.
One moment, he was there, standing with the scouts surrounding him, making sure that he didn’t try to conflate hiding with invisibility as his brother had done, and the next, it seemed as if his edges were blurring with the air surrounding them. A moment later, and some encouraging words from his brother, Phineas Flynn, and he was gone completely. And apparently, seeing Ferb do it was enough for Phineas, who announced “oh, now I get it!” and immediately disappeared without any intermediate blurriness whatsoever.
The scouts surrounding them have closed in on the two brothers, and sources tell me that, while invisible to the naked eye, they still are physically present. Well done, boys!
Of course, now they are left with what Earl Harlan tells me is the hardest part of earning the coveted Invisibility Badge: becoming uninvisible. According to him, about two-thirds of those who attempt the process of gaining their invisibility badge manage the first two steps of contemplating and achieving invisibility with only minimal difficulty, only to remain suspended in that half-existing state for far longer than is considered medically safe. Some manage to return to normal in the coming days, weeks, or months, and occasionally one will pop up that was considered unseeable for decades, but most are trapped in that state of unseen being for all eternity, their invisible corpses left to rot after their eventual death until someone accidentally trips over them, alerting us all to their presence in the only way possible.
Will Phineas and Ferb join their forever unseeable numbers? All signs now point to yes. There are sounds of panic, and some of the nearby scouts are placing hands and arms on the places where the invisible boys’ shoulders must be, offering them support as they try and figure out how to undo the feat that they’ve just successfully accomplished.
And while they attempt to manage the hardest feat of them all, let’s go to the weather.
♫There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation, 'Till school comes along just to end it…♫
Well, listeners, I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that Phineas and Ferb seem to have figured out how to make themselves uninvisible.
There was nothing except panic, and then a small but perceivable pop, like the sound of an oversized jar being opened and its innards exposed to the harsh reality of the outside world for the very first time. And then there in the middle of the crowd was Phineas. He held his invisible brother’s hand, talked him through a couple deep breaths, and then, with another slightly larger pop, there too was Ferb. Although Ferb, in his sweet, exotic, and unforgettable Engle-ish accent, admitted that it wasn’t an experience that he would be quick to repeat, there was indeed no need to repeat it anyway. Just performing the task once is plenty for the standards of our Boy Scout troop. The boys are now in possession of their very own invisibility badges, and both Night Vale and Danville have two more reasons to be proud.
The bad news is that, upon completing their badges, the two looked at each other, had a quick conversation of the kind that only the closest of friends and siblings can do without opening their mouths at all, and decided it was time to depart Night Vale and head back to their shared home in Danville. They thanked our Boy Scout troop for allowing them to experience one of the weirdest and most exhilarating and physically taxing days that they’d had in quite a while, and made sure to smile and wave at those who pointed and shouted INTERLOPER at them on their way out.
Before they left, one of the scouts asked what they planned to do tomorrow. Phineas admitted that nothing was yet set in stone, but they’d heard about a lost pet city on the moon and thought it might be cool to check out. When asked if they were a little young for astronomical travel, Phineas smiled and said, “Why yes. Yes I am.”
Perhaps what we have to learn from these brief visitors to our little town is that age is just a number. And perhaps we may be a little young, or a little old, but we should never let that stand in the way of reaching our dreams, or finding a cool new way to spend a hot summer day. May we all be as willing and daring to reach for the stars, or at least for the space beyond the boundaries of our own atmosphere, as these two.
Coming up next: a repeat of this broadcast, conducted entirely in braille.
But since that makes this the last you will hear of my voice this evening...
Good night, Night Vale, good night.