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Mayoi let’s out a choked whimper, eyes so puffy and swollen the room around him was a blurry splurge of gray. With every shaky inhale, came an even more distressed exhale. He let the tears cascade down his cheek and drip to his chin, not even bothering to wipe them away, because someone as creepy as Mayoi didn’t deserve to not drown in his own incompetence.
But he also didn’t bother because a pair of soft hands — Niki’s hands — were already caressing his face, carefully wiping away at the tears that threatened to soak down Mayoi’s chin.
“Mayo-chan,” Mayoi had to bite down on his lips to stop himself from shuddering at the sound of his name being said with such gentle concern. It wasn’t something Mayoi deserved, to be treated like a delicate animal that’s been abused and abandoned more times than he can count, enveloped in Niki and relishing in the warmth of his fingertips.
Niki opened his mouth like he was going to say something, yet he sat agape, deep in thought before choosing his words. “…What’s wrong, Mayo-chan? I didn’t upset you by coming here unannounced, did I? I’m sorry.. I don’t wanna see you sad, it makes me feel sad too.” If Mayoi was upset by the fact he let Niki into his dorm in the middle of the night unannounced, that would be understandable to the average person trying to get some sleep.. but that wasn’t what was upsetting Mayoi. Sure, it startled him at first when he approached his dorm to see Niki standing outside it, a cheerful smile on his face.
And he said something like, “Nahaha! I knew that sweet, tasty smell couldn’t of been just anyone ♪ ” Telling him all about how he was waiting for his dear Mayo-chan to get to his dorm (implying Niki was waiting for awhile..) so he could share some snacks he bought for the two of them, which promptly made Mayoi’s eyes go wide and his face heat up in utter embarrassment.
But he didn’t mind Niki, not one bit. Even if Niki was a bit different from his usual cutesy interests, Mayoi was fascinated and he found comfort in his embrace.
The thumb swiping the tears away moved to caress his cheekbone. Niki let out a quiet hum, lips creasing to a mellow smile. Mayoi found it exceptionally hard to make eye contact like this, but with the only light illuminating Niki’s figure being a lamp on his table side drawer, he reluctantly raised his chin up. Niki was staring directly at him, fondness in his eyes, fondness for Mayoi and only Mayoi.
That is what upset him. The love Niki held for Mayoi, the genuine happiness he felt when he was near him; Mayoi didn’t deserve it. He was a filthy creep Niki had the misfortune of stumbling upon. Where as Niki was the beaming sun, Mayoi was a phantom. It didn’t help that Mayoi’s thoughts were already turning far too dark for his liking, thoughts of Niki that made him want to rip his hair out. He needed to push Niki away, to make it clear he deserved better.
But Niki came back. No matter how many times he pushed him away — he always came back, greeting Mayoi like he was a lifelong friend, getting so unbelievably close to him Mayoi was starting to believe Niki was implying something other than friendship. It was even worse that Mayoi genuinely liked the attention. Even if it scared him half to death, having someone care for him so deeply felt so foreign and so, so nice.
So when Niki began cuddling up against him tonight, dirtying himself with his filth, Mayoi felt like he couldn’t breathe— and came forth his tears.
It took Mayoi a moment to answer. He was a sobbing mess, simultaneously embarrassing himself in front of Niki. After a passing moment Mayoi cleared his throat, not ready at all for this conversation to unravel. “You…” He took a deep breath. “You didn’t upset me. You didn’t do anything..! I, I just—“
The words barely met the tip of his tongue, lodged in the back of his throat. Mayoi was sure he’d start choking if he tried to elaborate further.
All he managed to whisper was a feeble, “Why…?”
Why are you so nice to me?
Niki blinked, once, twice, and then he furrowed his brows, trying hard to pinpoint the bigger picture. “Wha..? Why?” Niki’s hand shifted and suddenly Mayoi’s face felt cold. At first, Mayoi thought Niki must’ve reeled back out of disgust, finally noting his incompetence. Hell, he couldn’t even speak without stumbling on his words.
However, Mayoi felt a slight tug on his hand and suddenly their fingers were entwined, settling on Niki’s lap. “Mayo-chan, if something happened you can tell me. It’ll be just between us.”
Mayoi bit his lip and let the words spill before he could think, because who was he to deny Niki? “…Y-You know what an awful person I am, right…?” His voice came out all groggily and hoarse, leaving a gross taste in his mouth with just how sad he sounded. There was no way he could bare to look at Niki now, so he focused on the wall behind him, feeling the tears prick through his eyes again.
“I have all these awful, awful thoughts. Someone so g-gross and filthy doesn’t deserve your kindness, Shiina-san…! B-But you— You keep wanting to t—touch me and share your food with me and you keep talking about how ‘t-tasty’ I am and—eeee?!?!” Mayoi let out a quiet yelp when Niki shifted to rest his head in the crook of Mayoi’s neck, taking in his scent. “S-Shiina-san?!”
Treating his affectionate touch on Mayoi like it was normal, he hummed. “Is that what has you so upset, Mayo-chan?” There was no disgust in Niki’s voice. No malice, no hate, just… pure and utter affection.
Niki cuddled onto Mayoi, gingerly petting the underside of his hair. Mayoi, not daring to make a sound, suddenly felt hyperaware of Niki’s breath against him. “I do all that because I like you. You’re not gross or filthy; you’re super cute. Promise, promise.”
His mind was racing and Mayoi so desperately wanted to say something like ‘ Someone like me can’t be cute.’ But honest to God it was so hard to be so self degrading with Niki snuggling up on him with his hand petting through his hair. He ended up clutching Niki’s hand instead, sniffling into his gray locks. (Even if his mind told him to pull away.)
“I’d never lie to you, but I want to make myself clear, Mayo-chan. I’d never ever judge you for your thoughts. No matter how disturbing you tell me they are, they’re just thoughts, right?”
“I-I…”
“No matter how gross you say you are, I’m not leaving my dear Mayo-chan. You’re just as sweet as cake to me, maybe even sweeter.” Niki was so kind, maybe even a little too kind. Mayoi thickly swallowed, his spine tingling and goosebumps spreading to his neck with every whisper of praise Niki gave to him. “So please, will you believe me? That I really do like you?”
Niki hummed against his neck for the second time, the vibrations leaving Mayoi feeling even more vulnerable than before. It truly was hard to believe someone could care for him. It felt almost impossible, but when Niki said it with such sincerity Mayoi didn’t know how to feel— he relaxed in his grasp, just for a moment. “I… wouldn’t.. mind to..” Niki lifted his head off his neck, practically beaming.
“Besides if you were really all what you said you were, I’d make more of an effort to avoid you, don’t you think? Take Rinne-kun for example! Nahaha! ♪” Niki giggled at his own joke and Mayoi adored the hearty smile he wore. The sudden lightheartedness of the conversation made the weight on Mayoi’s chest feel much lighter.
Of course, It wasn’t that simple. All of his problems couldn’t disappear in an instant, even if being in Niki’s hold was one of the nicest things in the world. Mayoi still had intrusive thoughts and self deprecating tendencies, but he liked to think that gradually he would be able to lift all the weight off his chest. If staying in Niki’s grasp for eternity guaranteed that, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
“For real though, I’m being serious. I like you a lot. ~”
And perhaps he could learn not to push people away, because from the looks of it Niki wasn’t going anywhere.
Mayoi can allow himself to be selfish, just this once. If Niki is by his side, maybe he can forget about his awful thoughts, if only for a mere moment.
Wiping the last of his tears with the sleeve of his shirt, he murmured out a quiet, “…I— I like you too..”
Then he paused. Hesitant at first, he drew near so his nose was inches away from the chef’s. “..my cute Shiina-san~” Mayoi cooed out with an awkward, toothy grin, not smooth in the slightest.
Mayoi wanted to crumble into a little ball and melt away for even thinking of such an embarrassing statement. With his face red, he was about to apologize—
—Yet Niki let out a blissful giggle, cheeks heating up. “Ooh! Pretty, Mayo-chan, pretty! Smile more, okay? You look soo~oo pretty when you smile! ♪ ”
…Perhaps there really wasn’t a need for apologies.
His laugh must’ve been contagious, because Mayoi found himself starting to giggle.
—
A few minutes later, Mayoi realized he was starting to grow exceptionally drowsy from crying so much. That’s how he ended up entangled on Niki, using his chest as a pillow. He was so sweet, promising to stay with Mayoi until he fell asleep and saying how he could stop by his work and he’d cook him breakfast there in the morning. The slow rise and fall of Niki’s chest, as well as the pitter patter of his heartbeat, served to soothe Mayoi’s nerves.
Maybe it was because of how tired he was, or because he had new found confidence, that he wrapped his arms around Niki’s waist. When Niki didn’t object, he pulled him closer. In the midst of his daring move, his eyelids grew heavy and he could hear a faint whisper amongst the silence.
“Goodnight, Mayo-chan.”