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Haru liked it when Mom and Dad weren’t home.
The house was so much quieter and far more peaceful. No yelling. No fighting. No checking around every corner for his dad. He wished it was like this all of the time. We wished he could live on his own in his own quiet little bubble.
Things had been so different lately and Haru didn’t like it. Ever since his mom told him that he was going to be a big brother. Her belly was growing round with the baby inside of it, leaving her looking swollen like a big bug bite. A few days ago she placed his hand on there so he could feel the baby kick, but mostly it felt like a little rumble.
“That’s your little brother in there, Haru,” Mom said as she held her hand over his. Haru couldn’t remember the last time his mother had touched him at all, much less spoken to him so kindly. “This baby is going to fix everything, I promise. Your father will like this one, I just know it. He’ll finally go back to normal and we can be a proper family.”
It was an empty promise that he’d been hearing for nine months. Even though he was still “just a kid”, he knew better. Nothing was going to make his dad change. He certainly hadn’t changed when Haru was born.
While Mom was pregnant, Dad was disgusted by the mere sight of her. He’d stay out all night and would come home reeking of booze when he was sure his wife was asleep. She had to stop taking so many pills while she was expecting, but that didn’t mean she had stopped taking all of them, so like always she was dead to the world by the time the evening news was over. Haru was sure it was screwing up the baby somehow and he knew his mother hadn’t stopping doing drugs while he was still in her womb.
On the days Dad was home, all of his attention was on Haru. The boy had started to lose track of how many bruises and scars he’d gotten in the past few months. A scar on his brow where the skin had busted after a kick in the face, one that was well hidden by his hair, at least where it hadn’t been pulled out in clumps. The swelling on his face had gone down a little, but the whole left side of his face was nothing but a big, ugly purple bruise. But the nights when his dad comes into his room hurt so much worse, leaving him bloody and more often than not unable to walk for days. Haru knew that his dad wasn’t supposed to hit him or do… that other stuff to him, but no one ever really cared. Sure, plenty of people had asked questions in the past, whether Haru told the truth or a lie didn’t make a difference. No one believed the lies and no one wanted to believe the truth. So why would they believe him if he told them about his dad did to him in the dark.
At least Dad wasn’t there now. Haru was able to make himself some dinner in silence. He had no idea when either of his parents would be back, so he needed to ration the food in the house to last as long as possible. One time they were gone for two weeks when he was four and he had to live on water from the sink and uncooked rice. As long as they weren’t there, Haru wasn’t going to school either. Why bother? It was one less day he had to listen to his classmates and teachers whisper about him. Every time he sat down at his desk he found more writing on it, calling him names or even telling him to die. Some days they had the decency to bully him right to his face.
“Hit a post again?”
“Trip on the stairs this time?”
“Daddy’s boy get in trouble again?”
Remarks like that, anything about his dad, were what really set him off. Haru did his best to ignore them, but sometimes his best wasn’t enough and he’d snap. If he could keep it together, which was a rarity, he’d just yell and scare them off, but when he couldn’t he would outright attack them in the middle of class. Even if it got him in trouble, he always felt a lot better after beating the snot of out someone.
…
Well, it only felt better for a few minutes. It haunted him to think that this was maybe how his father felt. Did hitting Haru make him feel better? Must not have been that much better if Dad had to keep doing it every day. Thinking that he could be anything like his dad make Haru sick to his stomach.
Luckily, he didn’t get into a fight today. Nothing of note happened at school and he was able to get by with his head held down. Though he did hear something interesting from his classmate, Yui.
Yui sat in the row right behind him and had a lot of friends, she never ate lunch alone like he did. Her mom was expecting a baby too and she said her aunt threw her a baby shower over the weekend. Haru had no idea what a baby shower was before now, but their conversation told him all that he needed to know. It was certainly loud enough to for the whole damn class to hear, so they must not have minded anyone listening in.
“That was so nice of her,” Kiyoko said as Yui the pictures if the party on her phone. “She made the house look all pretty!”
The room in the picture was brightly decorated in pastel colors, mostly blue so Haru figured she would also be getting a little brother. Yui’s mom sat on the sofa, her belly was almost as big as his mom’s with smiling women on either side of her. Friends and relatives who were happy for her, happy for the baby to be born. A table full of presents behind them.
“My grandma came all the way from Fukuoka to be there,” Yui said. “We got so many things for my baby brother. My mom’s friend even got us a bottle warmer, it’s so cool! Now Daddy and I can feed the baby for her.”
That… had actually sound like a nice party. No one threw his mom a party. He hadn’t seen his relatives since he was small, they never called or sent cards during the holidays and had made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with him or his parents. Thanks to his dad, they didn’t have any friends either. Everyone who knew them were to afraid of him and they were right to be, so there was no one to invite to a baby shower, much less throw one for them.
All of the new baby’s things were Haru’s hand-me-downs and there weren’t many things left the his parents hadn’t thrown away, not that he had that much to begin with. Haru went to his room and looked at the crib that had been shoved into the corner.
“I’m not gonna listen to that little bastard cry all damn night,” Dad had complained as he the the crib together. “I dealt with that bullshit enough when that whore pushed you out.”
So now the crying baby would be his problem every night, great. He’d never cared for babies to begin with. The ones he’d encountered before were loud, gross and smelly. All they did was eat, sleep, shit and cry, their presence alone was annoying as hell. It gave him a headache just thinking about dealing with it. They didn’t have a third room so he supposed he and his little brother would end up sharing eventually, he had just hoped that his mom would do the normal thing and keep the baby with her in the beginning. As soon as she started popping pills again though, there was no way she’d wake up when the baby started to cry anyways. It was probably safer in Haru’s room after all.
Honestly, Haru was worried about the poor thing. He pitied it. The baby was going to be born into a loveless family and it would never know anything else. Maybe it would be better if it wasn’t born at all, there was no way it would live very long in this house anyway. It was nothing short of a miracle that he’d managed to survive for this long. Whatever Mom thought would happen wouldn’t last.
But that wasn’t his problem.
His problem was guessing whether or not his parents would be back before the utilities were shut off like last time. He stayed in his room to eat the sandwich he made and found himself staring at the crib. It was barren except for the sheet covering the thin mattress and the only toys they had left for him was one small stuffed bear and a rattle that had been taped together on the handle. On his dresser were two pacifiers that had nearly been chewed through and a mangled teething ring that the baby wouldn’t even need right away. For how excited Mom claimed to be, she hadn’t gone to any real effort to prepare for it. They probably didn’t even have any diapers in the house yet. For the baby’s own sake, Haru hoped Dad would make Mom ditch it at the hospital or a fire house before they made it join him in this hell.
Once the finished his sandwich, Haru decided to try and get some sleep before one of his parents came back to disturb the peace of his bubble. As he laid down in bed, he turned his back to the crib and placed a pillow over his head to cover his ears. He may as well practice now.
Haru was able to spend four days in blissful solitude before his mom came back. Dad was no where in sight and Haru hadn’t heard his car pull in either. He was lying on the couch watching tv when Mom walked in, holding a loosely wrapped bundle in her arms. After all of the benders and hangovers Haru had seen his mother go through, he had never seen her look worse than she did right now. Her hair and face were a disheveled greasy mess, it looked like she smeared her makeup on while she was drunk again. Every step she took looked like it was putting her through a world of pain, but the smile on her face was glowing bliss. The bundle in her arms began to whine, making Haru realize she had just walked all the way home from the hospital.
“Oh, there you are, Haru-chan,” Mom slurred as she staggered over to join him on the couch, wincing as she sat. “Sorry, I forgot to call. I must’ve left my phone somewhere.”
“That’s okay,” Haru said, scooting away as she got uncomfortably close. It’s not as if he bothered to call her in the first place.
“Come closer,” she giggled and grabbed his arm to yank him closer. “Meet your new baby brother.”
Begrudgingly, Haru huffed and obliged, knowing that she wouldn’t stop until he did as she said. But before he could get a good look at it, Mom shoved the newborn into his arms.
“There, hold him while I get him a bottle.”
Before he could protest, she shot up off of the couch and fumbled her way into the kitchen. Haru remembered her complaining about what a pain in the ass it was to breastfeed, so she probably wasn’t going to put herself through it again this time.
Haru glared down at the poor kid, shifting to support his head, but instantly softened as his eyes met the baby’s. It looked up at him with big, beautiful brown eyes that twinkled with gathering tears. His little face was chubby and pink and Haru swore his tiny lips were trying to form a gummy smile as he looked up at his new big brother. As if they were staring straight into each other’s souls.
He was perfect.
Everything about his sweet little baby brother was absolutely perfect. From the soft wisps of hair on the top of his head to his little button nose to his tiny feet that wiggled from under the blanket. When Haru thought about babies, he thought about runty, drooly, ugly little germy lumps of flesh, but what he held in his arms was a small angel. Was this what people meant when they talked about love at first sight?
“Isn’t he cute?” Mom asked as she returned to the living room. She reached out to take the baby back, but Haru flinched away and turned his back to her, making her laugh. “I didn’t think you were that excited about the baby. I’m glad to see you two getting along. Would you like to feed him while I take a bath?”
Haru nodded vigorously and took the bottle from her.
“Alright, keep his head supported like that and brush the nipple against his bottom lip.” Haru did as he was told and the baby quickly latched on. “Good, don’t tilt the bottle too much or he’ll choke. Once he’s half way done, lean him against your shoulder and pat his back to help him burp, when he’s finished you have to burp him again. Okay?”
Haru said nothing as he watched the baby suckle ravenously for the milk, his pudgy cheeks puffing out even more as he drank. Mom smiled as she watched them for a moment longer and went to leave, but Haru called her back.
“What’s his name?” he asked, not daring to look away from the baby.
“His name’s Akihiko,” Mom said and yawned as she walked to the bathroom. “My boys, you make a perfect pair.”
Akihiko.
His sweet baby Aki.
Mom was right about something for once, they were a perfect pair. Holding Aki snug in his arms, so close to his chest that he could feel their heartbeats against one another, Haru felt complete. They made each other whole and Haru hadn’t felt this kind of love in his entire life.
“Hi, Aki,” he whispered to his little brother as the baby eye’s began to droop. “I’m your big brother. I’m sorry you had to be born into a family like ours, but don’t worry. You’ll be okay, I’m gonna take care of you. I promise I’ll always be here for you and I’ll protect you, no matter what. I love you."