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They finally arrived at the hospital and Joon-ho felt like that again. The type of feeling he only felt whenever Kim Je-hyuk was involved. The type of feeling he himself was scared of feeling.
The same feeling he felt so long ago.
And although they knew each other for years, every time Je-hyuk got hurt, Joon-ho felt equally as scared as if it were the first time.
"You okay?" Joon-ho asked stiffly, like he had practiced that line on the mirror a million times, so it would seem as casual as possible.
Unfortunately, glancing at Je-hyuk's tired eyes, made practice useless.
"Are you worried?" Je-hyuk said lightly, but smiling brightly.
Joon-ho sighed while giving Je-hyuk the glance of a stern parent. He felt like he kept disciplining Je-hyuk. kept telling him to be selfish over and over again, but it was like he never listened to him.
If he were to be honest, he never needed to. Je-hyuk handled himself well all alone, or at least that was his front.
And coincidentally, Joon-ho was the only person that saw right through him.
"What were you thinking?" The light mood became heavy with Joon-ho's words.
No answer came from Je-hyuk, only a puzzled, but again, very tired look.
The afternoon wind came gently through the hospital window, making the room chilly. Joon-ho's uniform highlighted his authority, as well as his hard work.
"Did you seriously let that asshole beat you, so you could have a necessary check-up? I mean, seriously?"
Je-hyuk had long turned his head from the police officer, instead looking at the wall in front of him.
"Je-hyuk…" he walked closer and leaned in. Their faces were just a few centimeters apart but Je-hyuk's distant glance made them feel at least one ocean away.
Joon-ho put both of his hands on Je-hyuk's shoulder, gently, yet affirmative.The gesture finally gave him the famous baseball player's attention. The most fragile thing, so rapidly lost.
"I was there…" the officer said, almost whispering. "I was there. I pulled all possible strings just so I could be there for you," he looked deep in his eyes saying those words, hoping it would reach him somehow. Hoping he realized all the affection he felt for him, even without saying it properly.
Je-hyuk reached his right hand to Joon-ho's left one slowly.
Another tired smile.
Joon-ho's emotions exploded and he was exposed.
"You are doing it again," Je-hyuk looked at him confused.
"You are doing it again. Smiling so the other person feels better!" Although his words were harsh, his face showed full concern.
Je-hyuk thought he saw him tear up even.
The officer's hands were still on the athlete's shoulders. The only working hand of Je-hyuk, made its way from Joon-ho's hand to his face.
Going slowly so as to not scare him off, wiping a tear with his thumb while the other fingers touched his face slightly.
And for one moment, for one moment Joon-ho felt an immeasurable amount of love. Just pure love for the idiot, who let himself get pierced in the head, instead of coming to him for help. At the same time, he felt that feeling again.
The fear of depending on him. Most importantly, wanting to depend on him.
And just like that, the moment was over.
He backed away as fast as he could. Wiping away the hard work it took to get him so vulnerable.
Je-hyuk's hand was in the air, where Joon-ho’s face once was. He looked confused.
The chilly air coming in was now less refreshing, instead just cold. It made the room gloomy.
"Joon-ho…"
It was too late now. Tears started flowing down his face and just couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't hide his face or his feelings. He couldn't even wipe his tears. He didn't want to.
Je-hyuk let out a sigh. He took the hospital blanket off and just as he wanted to stand up Joon-ho stopped him by putting both of his hands carefully on his shoulder, once again.
The surprising weight and gesture led to Je-hyuk falling down on the bed. Joon-ho took his hands from Je-huyk's shoulder before his body hit the bed, so he wouldn't hurt him.
He supported his weight with his knees at the edge of the bed, his hands close to his chest as Je-hyuk reached out for one of them and pulled them down next to where he was laying. Joon-ho was now on top of the baseball player and all million thoughts going through his head were flowing around in the beat of his racing heart.
"Lay down." Je-hyuk said ever so serious. Joon-ho did not know what to respond. It was like he froze in time. Je-hyuk cast another spell on him.
He made him vulnerable in a heartbeat.
That feeling again.
Je-hyuk put his hand on the back of Joon-ho's head and moved him delicately to his chest.
It was an uncomfortable position. Joon-ho still had his knees and hands supporting him from falling over Je-hyuk. He was the actual delicate one. Paying attention to every movement and force of his body. Making sure nothing could hurt Je-hyuk.
Je-hyuk ran his fingers through Joon-ho‘s hair.
“It’s okay, Joon-ho. You had it hard, right?”
Joon-ho‘s eyes widened, and as the tears kept rolling his muscles relaxed and he fully gave in. His arms were not holding him from falling on Je-hyuk anymore. His knees didn’t stop him from laying on Je-hyuk.
He felt some weird kind of peace. The kind of peace he never felt before.
At this point he gave up holding his tears back and was struggling to calm his nerves down.
“I know,” whispered Je-hyuk.
Joon-ho sniffed one time before getting off of him.
He turned around, facing the ground. He ran his hands through his blue uniform to straighten it. Pushed his cap on deeper to hide his face. Wiped his tears with one quick hand movement.
“Sit straight on the bed, I’ll help you.”
Je-hyuk obliged and as Joon-ho supported him, doing it ever so gently.
Finally he tucked him in. He also ran his fingers through the blanket, straightening it.
“Lift your head for a second.”
He took the pillow and shook it a bit before pressing it slightly to make it more fluffy. All this time avoiding eye contact with Je-hyuk.
He came closer to put his pillow on the bed, pressing it one more time. Their faces were really close again. Joon-ho’s cap was almost touching Je-hyuk’s forehead, as the renowned athlete stared at him intensively.
Je-hyuk wanted to do so much more than just stare or just hold him for a second. He knew just how much Joon-ho cared, but he cared too.
Joon-ho pressed the pillow for far more time than it needed to, but instead of getting up, he stayed there. Both hands laying still on the pillow, not making eye contact, not saying a word, desperately searching for the words he never once found, but so desperately wanted to say.
Je-hyuk slowly moved his head under the brim of Joon-ho's cap. Finally making eye contact, the awkward pair stopped in time. As if the reader closed the book, dreamed for a little while and then opened the book, reading the same line over and over again.
It was the pure emotion of longing. Longing for the way things used to be.
"Je-hyuk…" Joon-ho said, breathing out a bit of the air he was holding in.
And just like both of them felt like dancing on air they heard footsteps. Also the voice of the officer, who accompanied Joon-ho.
Joon-ho panicked and wanted to get up, but Je-hyuk stayed calm and grabbed his uniform. He kissed Joon-ho abruptly on his right cheek and then let him go.
Joon-ho stood up by reflex, opening the door at the same time the officer on the other side opened it.
"Oh, Joon-ho! Seems we opened the door at the same time huh?" the officer said, laughing a little.
"Just going to take a bit of fresh air."
His face was flushed red. His hands were shaking a little and his heart felt like it was going to jump out his mouth.
When he finally stepped out, closing the door behind him, all he could think of was Je-hyuk. Je-hyuk grabbing his uniform forcefully. Je-hyuk holding him. Je-hyuk kissing him.
Kissing him? Kissing him. Kissing him. Kissing him-
His mind played the same moment over and over again, making him even more flustered. He tried calming down, going outside and drinking an apple juice he bought in the cafeteria earlier. He wanted to give it to Je-hyuk, but going in that room again meant seeing Je-hyuk and acknowledging him as a person.
Suddenly as he was glancing at the warm-like sky, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and grabbed the hand by instinct immediately.
"Woah! Sorry Sir, I didn't want to startle you…"
Joon-ho let his hand go, realizing the situation.
"Aren't you glad you could spend that much time with the superstar?" the officer said cheerfully once again.
Joon-ho nicked lightly, not wanting to engage too much in whatever this attempt of a conversation was.
"Anyways, we should leave now, we already settled everything. He won't be released today either way."
Sitting in the car now, Joon-ho's new colleague was giggling, while driving. Looking over to him over and over again, like he wanted to tell him something exciting. Probably some kind of gossip.
Well, he could use some distraction.
-
After he drank the juice full, he felt somewhat guilty. He was meant to give that to Je-hyuk in the first place.
He bought a new one, trying not to overthink it, but then his anxiety got the best out of him.
All the way over to his room, he held the boxed apple juice in different ways. Thinking about what to say. How he would give the juice to him. Why did he feel guilty in the first place?
He took a deep breath, before finally entering the room. Looking up with a smile he started his sentence: "Hey, I ju-" he wasn't there. The room wasn't chilly anymore.
"Oh, sorry. I thought you guys were done talking to him. The room was quite chilly. I know some people like the cold, but it's no good to leave the window open for this long in this weather. It's almost dark out after all."
Great. He would have to drink another apple juice. Then the nurse continued with her monologue.
"I can give that to him, if you want."
"What?"
"The apple juice? Isn't that for him?"
Joon-ho froze out of embarrassment. But why? He was just giving an old friend a juice. That wasn't a reason for embarrassment. Unless…
"Oh, I almost forgot! I think this cap belongs to one of you, right?"
-
"Tell me already. What are you giggling about?"
"It's just…" the happy officer said "I saw what you did back there." He giggled again.
Joon-ho got scared for a second, but then he continued.
"C'mon don't be shy! I saw you left an apple juice with your cap for the superstar! I'm a fan too, but you are definitely his number one!" He laughed warmly again, while Joon-ho deepened in his seat, relaxing a bit.
His number one, huh?