Chapter Text
“You alright there, kiddo?”
He looked up to his father’s encouraging smile and concerned eyes, and he nodded vehemently, hoping to convince both of them. But while the man didn’t look as convinced as he had hoped, neither did he ask more questions about it, and Benjamin decided he liked it better that way.
It was his first day at Yale, and anxiety thrummed in his veins with every step closer to the institution. He had been here before, when he was much younger, and it had been only in passing during a family trip. His father had wanted to show him the place he had graduated from, and back then, innocent and optimistic, Benjamin had been enamored with the building, the subjects and the gardens surrounding the construction.
Now, though, whatever awe and determination those memories were filled with, were drowned by uncertainty. Classes would start soon, and he was brought a couple days before the start of the semester to make sure he adapted well to his surroundings.
However, all he could think about were the possibilities his classmates disliked him, or getting lost in the corridors or the hall, searching his next classroom desperately, put to shame in front of the rest of the students.
“Benji.”
He halted, brought out of his spiral by his father’s voice, and he watched as the man knelt in front of him, holding onto his shoulders.
“I know you’re nervous. New experiences can be difficult at first. But you’re a bright child, you’re good with people, and you’ve been preparing for this for years. You’ll be alright, okay, kiddo?” He insisted, giving the boy a reassuring smile.
Benjamin nodded, once again, but it was not enough to calm his racing thoughts. His father, probably sensing this, recognizing his anxiety (which had spiked since his mother’s passing) in the paling of his face and the hitching of his breath, just stood, placing an arm around his shoulders, and guided him away from the gardens and into the College’s walls.
“What about the last tour around? We can stop by the deck outside and sit there for a bit.” He offered, trying to cheer the poor boy up.
“... sounds good to me.”
----
As he waved at his father from the entrance of College, watching him climb to the front of the carriage and drive back, he felt dread pooling in his stomach. He swallowed, turning around to face the institution instead. Maybe if he ran fast enough he could still catch up with his father, and then they could go back home…
No.
He knew that, even if he wouldn’t be mad, yell at him or punish him, his father would be disappointed if he appeared out of nowhere, instead of being where he ought to be, especially with the high price his father had paid for his new clothes, book, and his education itself.
He couldn’t go back, no matter how much he craved to go back to his side.
‘This is childish.’ he told himself, for he was no longer a young kid hiding behind his mother’s dress, but a teenager. A very anxious teenager, to be honest.
Just thinking about his mother sent a wave of sadness through him, and he clutched his backpack closer to his chest, trailing back to the institution in absolute silence. What would she say about his insecurities? Would she hug him and brush hair out of his face, reminding him he was going to do just fine? Would she promise to send letters so he would feel closer to home, and come visit once in a long while at first, during the weekends, so he could see his brothers again?
Or would she be displeased about his behavior, making things more difficult for his father, holding him back from returning to their household, to the rest of the children who were now motherless and babysitted by the Brewsters?
He didn’t think so. She was never mad at them, no matter how silly and out of place their actions were. Oh, he missed her terribly. It had been little over a year since her passing…
Benjamin sat on a bench, running his fingers over the letters engraved on the book with a tired sigh. The small note with the number of his room and the schedule was tucked inside his coat’s pocket, but he felt the longer he waited to open it, the longer he could pretend he didn’t have to eventually meet a roommate that might not like him at all. Or that he might not like.
Because it wasn’t the same.
They weren’t Sam or Will. They couldn’t read him easily just by the way his eyebrows moved or the corner of his mouth tensed. They wouldn’t come back singing from the town one of their popular songs or bring him flower crowns.
Would it be awkward? Silent? Would it be lonely until he graduated?
Before he could continue overthinking it, he saw a pair of feet stop in front of him, yet not too close, and he looked up, startled, only to find a boy about his age eyeing him curiously, a soft frown in his face. Was it a bad thing? Did he have anything on his face?
His anxiety must have been visible because the other’s face immediately relaxed and he beamed at Benjamin, holding his hand out to him.
“Hello, I’m Nathan! What’s your name?” He seemed pretty cheerful and confident, and his voice was sweet and slightly high pitched yet. His grayish eyes eyed Ben expectantly and only then he realized he had never replied.
“I’m Benjamin.” he whispered, looking at his hand, and then back at his face, as he reached out to take it, shaking it. Nathan’s freckled cheeks were then suddenly covered by a pretty pink tone in the form of a light blush, as his hand, slim and soft, was engulfed by Benjamin’s, not that bigger but certainly rougher from helping his father with the backyard and their horses, and visiting Selah once in a while and helping him at the Tavern.
“My pleasure…” The lad muttered, composing himself rather quickly, but he didn’t let go of Benjamin’s hand, not yet, and he didn’t pull it back, either, surprisingly comfortable with the firm hold the other had on it. “Are you starting this year with the rest of us?”
“I am. I’m a bit nervous about it, honestly.” he confessed after a moment. “I don’t really know anyone...”
Nathan smiled, shaking his head. “Now you know me. You won’t be alone! And when you meet your roommate, you’ll know them too.”
Benjamin considered this. It was not untrue, other than quite optimistic. Benjamin struggled to see it the same way, his anxiety obscuring the prospect of a new pure friendship. However, curiosity won over the thoughts, dragging him out of the spiral before it could even start once more.
“Have you met yours already, Nathan?”
“Nope.” the boy shrugged, smiling at him sheepishly, running his hand through his warm, blond hair. “I arrived a couple of days ago but I just finished unpacking the last of my bags. They haven’t come by, but I hope they will soon. I have a feeling they’ll be great, for sure.” his smile was for sure contagious, because despite the boy’s hesitance and Ben’s own uncertainty, he found himself actually mimicking it.
“I hope so, too…”
They stood silent for a moment, but it was not rushed nor uncomfortable. They didn’t notice the other was observing them wholly, or pretended not to know as they tried to absorb more details from the other’s appearance, and enjoyed the company.
“Have you seen the library yet?” Nathan asked suddenly, a step closer to Ben than he had been before, his hand still resting in the other’s hold. “It has a whole collection on ancient myths.” he commented, eyeing the book Benjamin was still holding on his lap, closed. “And a small secret hiding.” he added, with mischief and fun dancing in his eyes.
“Not really, my father only showed me the outside.”
“Would you want to see, then?”
Benjamin smiled upwards to the gentle smile and the inviting eyes and he stood, amused.
“Take me there.”
Nathan laughed and pulled him along, the sunshine illuminating his face and making his hair look golden.
This wouldn’t be bad, right?
----
The sun was going down and the sky was tinted in warm colors by the time Benjamin walked through the corridors, looking for his room. He watched the sea of oranges, purples and pinks through the windows as he made his way over, a small smile tugging at his lips. He wondered if his little siblings were able to see the same view.
He had fun today.
He had been unbelievably anxious since he left his own home and the realization he wouldn’t be back for a while hit him. He thought he would be alone, trapped far away from home. But he was happy that he met Nathan.
The boy -just a year younger than himself, from what he told him- was nothing but a walking sunshine. He was sure he had more in his personality than the cheerful and optimistic side, but instead of giving him doubt, Benjamin was determined to get to know him better. Maybe finally make a friend in this damn place. Someone that would walk this journey along with him.
Nathan had greeted him farewell to go find his brother -Enoch, he said- and Benjamin had sent his good wishes to the other, as his father had taught him. But he wished he had stayed a bit longer. That they could’ve stayed together a bit longer. Or at least as Benjamin finally met his roommate.
He wished Nate was there to reassure him one last time that it was going to be okay, as he had done various times before as they sat at the library’s tables, surrounded by old myths and poetry works.
He opened the door, defeated, wondering if the other lad had finally arrived, but the room was certainly empty. He ventured in, then, walking to his own desk and placing the paper with his weekly schedule on top of it, running his fingertips over the ink thoughtfully.
Would Nathan be in the same classes? Or would he be studying something completely different?
He wasn’t sure how long he had been musing silently, standing at his desk in front of the window, watching the sunset occasionally, until he heard the door opening. He paused, wishing he could pretend he hadn’t heard it, in a desperate attempt to remain calm and hide the way his heart raced in his chest, but the sharp gasp that the other lad emitted picked onto his curiosity enough.
Benjamin turned around, deciding to end the wait, and he froze, breath catching in his throat when he caught sight of the other lad.
Nathan was standing across him, hand still resting on the door’s handle, mouth agape as he looked at him with barely contained emotions. But Ben, in his rising anxiety, wasn’t sure he could tell what emotions were those.
“Ben! What are you doing here?”
Had he entered the wrong room? Had he confused the numbers? Had he trespassed a boundary?
“Waiting… for my roomate.” he conceded slowly, his eyes in Nathan’s, searching for any signal of distrust or anger. “I- I think this is my room- I moved in early today… Room fifty five?” he tried, once again, when the other didn’t answer.
Nathan’s face scrunched up and Benjamin was ready to bolt out of the room if required. But the lad just broke into a dashing smile and laughed happily.
“That means it’s you!”
“...Me?”
“My roommate, Benjamin!” Nathan closed the door behind himself, and he walked closer, tilting his head. “... It is no trouble, right? You look… distraught.” Ben shook his head vehemently, gracing him with a soft smile and an airy chuckle as his racing heart started slowing down.
“No, I am happy, really. I was just worried I might’ve entered the wrong room, you know?” he confessed. He looked over at the other lad, both pausing as they stared into each other's eyes, before he broke down into giggles. Benjamin’s were mostly caused by the sudden, immense relief.
They sat down after a moment, a comfortable silence dawning onto them as they relaxed, and Nathan nudged his arm gently. “So? Are you happy with the results?” he asked playfully. Ben snickered in response.
“Very.”
Later that day, when the moon had risen high in the sky and they were both tucked into bed, Nathan’s chest rising and falling steadily in his sleep, Benjamin sighed, allowing himself to fully relax. As his eyes shut, a soft smile grew on his lips.
He was not alone.
He had a new friend, someone who shared a lot of his likings and even some of his own worries. Someone who was willing to stay.
Maybe this was going to be better than he thought, after all.