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Before they found themself, Mizuki would often consider their life, and continuously came to the conclusion that they were wrong. Fundamentally, there was something off about them. They never said the correct thing, never thought the correct thing, and never felt the correct thing. Their feelings were too big sometimes, and that got them in trouble, so they learned to bite their tongue. They lowered their eyes and watched as the dull world moved around them.
Their sister tried her best to help, and she often got close. They would be watching a movie, and she would manage to pry some small talk from Mizuki, maybe even get them to smile. Those were the best moments. She would hug them, and--
(“I have the cutest little br □︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎!”)
School was the same way. Mizuki caught onto concepts quickly and didn’t need to study in order to pass tests, and they were quiet and well-behaved enough that their teachers would let it slide when they occasionally zoned out in class. As long as they answered the questions correctly and did their homework, they would be left alone.
Despite accomplishing their goal of floating on in relative obscurity, they were still privy to some of the school’s gossip even if it wasn’t always in the most pleasant way.
“Oh man, wasn’t that Kamishiro just now?”
“Yeah, I think so. He’s so weird, huh?”
There were two boys who always ate their lunch near Mizuki, their desks pushed together. They were loud, but generally easy to ignore. This fact would have stayed true had they not been dragged into the conversation unceremoniously.
“Definitely weird, and so quiet. He never has any friends with him. Almost makes you feel bad for him.”
"He isn’t the only quiet loner in the school though, yeah? Hey, Akiyama, you’re like him, yeah?”
Mizuki pretended they didn’t hear their classmate call their name.
“Akiyama, ignoring people is rude. Didn’t ya ever learn manners? We know you can talk. We're just trying to help you make a friend.” A small crumpled up piece of paper bounced off the side of Mizuki’s head, and the two laughed.
Mizuki quietly packed up their lunch before turning to respond. “I’m not like him.” They said simply before picking up their things and leaving to find another place to eat their food; they didn’t feel like eating in the classroom would be a good idea going forward.
Their laughter followed them out into the halls.
***
From that day onward, Mizuki was more aware of Kamishiro. The two of them didn’t have much cause to pass each other by; they were in different grades, and neither of them were exactly active in their school lives. They did occasionally catch glimpses of him in the crowds of students walking home after school was dismissed.
He was hard to miss, really. He was tall and had purple hair that had bright shocks of blue in the bangs.
And once they started noticing him more, they also noticed the things people said about him more and more. A lot of it was deeply unkind things that made Mizuki’s stomach turn, things that made their throat clench up. Some people were less outrightly hateful, but treated him as more of a spectacle rather than a person. It wasn’t the first time Mizuki had heard of someone being trans, but it was the first time that it was so close to them.
When they met properly for the first time on the school rooftop, Mizuki pretended they didn’t recognize him.
“Kamishiro, huh? Oh, you’re that notorious third year.” The lie rolled off their tongue easily enough, as if they hadn’t spent the better part of the last month on the lookout for him, never going out of their way to catch a glimpse of him but never wanting to miss an opportunity either.
(Later, Mizuki would realize that Rui knew they were lying. Of course he had. He wasn’t stupid, and he was far more observational than Mizuki. The first of his many little kindnesses.)
He was disheveled from head to toe; his hair was pinned back poorly, utterly useless if his intention was to keep his hair out of his eyes during the school day. His tie was a mess, as if he didn’t know how to tie the knot correctly. He wore a t-shirt under his uniform. Mizuki hated themself for it, but their eyes kept drifting back to his neck and shoulders, trying to find evidence of the binder they thought he must be wearing beneath. If he noticed this, Kamishiro didn’t point it out.
The thing that struck Mizuki the most, though, was how overwhelmingly similar the two of them were, and how easy it was to talk to him.
They were rude and snarky to him, leagues away from their quiet and polite persona they’d adopted for most of their life, but instead of being offended, he seemed to think it was amusing. He was clearly miserable, but was somehow able to smile despite it, which made him seem so mature at the time. He was the first person Mizuki had ever met who might actually be able to understand them.
The implications of that thought left Mizuki sleepless that night, staring at their dark ceiling and doing their best to not think any more about it.
***
It didn’t work, because of course it didn’t.
It was all Mizuki could think about, like once they had acknowledged the elephant that had been sitting just outside their field of view their entire life they could never un-notice it. That fucking elephant was prancing around in a goddamn tutu, and the worst part was that Mizuki didn’t even know what the metaphorical elephant WAS.
It was just there and Mizuki hated that they didn't understand it. What were they supposed to do with this?
They would sometimes snap at Rui when they were eating lunch together on the rooftop. It was never brought on by anything Rui actually did, they just... Resented him for
knowing
himself. They thought unfair things like about how
easy
it all was for him. (It wasn’t.)
His metaphorical elephant was so much easier to deal with. (It wasn't.) He was so easygoing, he probably didn't even struggle that hard! (He did.) Mizuki was constantly agitated, and poor Rui took it all in stride.
After some time spent like this, Rui eventually confronted them.
“Mizuki, did I do something to upset you?” He asked, more kindly than he needed to considering how prickly they had been with him.
Mizuki frowned and stared at the roof. “Dunno what you’re talking about.”
Rui sighed at their deflection. “Mmhmm. Well, I think you know that’s not true. So?”
Mizuki clenched their hands into fists. They had wanted to hold onto this tentative friendship for a little longer, but nothing good ever lasted. It wasn't like they had been a good friend to Rui so far, and on top of that, they had been making themself miserable half the time anyway. What was there to lose?
“I don’t understand. I don’t get why you would choose to be a boy.” They wanted to say more, wanted to be uglier and more awful and make him run away from them, make him realize they were wrong and that they had always been wrong and that he deserved better than them, but their voice stuck in their throat at his expression.
Multiple emotions flashed across his face; surprise, hurt, anger, before he finally settled on studying Mizuki with a little frown. Feeling like they couldn’t breathe, Mizuki averted their eyes, their ears burning with shame.
“So, how about you?” He finally asked after a long, agonizing silence.
“H-huh?”
“What about you? Would you choose to be a boy?” Rui’s voice was even, and had a strange tone to it. Mizuki felt sick. They had spent so long not asking themself that question. They didn’t answer. They didn’t move a muscle. He hummed at their lack of a response. “No? Well, then how about being a girl?”
Frustrated, Mizuki turned sharply towards Rui again, angry tears burning their eyes. “Why is it only those two?! What if I don’t want either?!” Their chest seized up as they processed what they had said.
There was that goddamn elephant again.
Rui simply nodded. “Then don’t be either.”
Rui sat with them on the roof as they cried, even long after their classes had started up again.