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”Tony?” Rapping his knuckles against the half open bedroom door, Loki gave a soft call of his roommate's name. ”Time to get up.”
The only things visible of Tony where he was stretched out on his front on the bed were the head of short, rumpled hair resting on one of many pillows, and the lower half of a tanned, well-muscled leg sticking out from under the red-and-gray-striped covers, after he had obviously used it to perform some temperature regulation in his sleep. A muffled grunt and the slack wave of a hand coming up in the air conveyed the message that he had heard Loki, but wasn't ready to move just yet.
With a sigh Loki turned away from the door and started walking toward the kitchen, at the same time pulling a white shirt on over the tight, white t-shirt he was already wearing. White really wasn't his colour; he didn't like it, and it made his pale complexion even more washed out and almost grayish. But it was what he had to wear for work, and cosidering the uniform was provided for free and he didn't have to spend his few dollars on clothes, it was worth looking half dead for six hours a day, four days a week. In the kitchen, hanging over the back of a chair by the small, scuffed table, he found a dark green sweater and pulled that on as well. He liked the colour better, and it would keep him from staining his white shirt while he prepared breakfast.
First of all Loki got a pot of coffee brewing, because he knew there was no way to get Tony even remotely human without it, and then he got bread, butter and cheese and placed it by the toaster. Usually he tried to actually cook breakfast, even if it was just a few boiled eggs, but he was in a hurry today.
Speaking of which...
Loki glanced at the clock over the kitchen door and frowned. He didn't have time for this. With quicker steps he walked back to Tony's door and knocked harder, pushing it open all the way in the process.
”Up, Tony!”
Another grunt, this one slightly more articulate and possibly including the words ”five more minutes”, was all the greeting he got.
”Seriously. I can't be late today; I have the opening shift.”
Loki gave Tony all of five seconds to react. When he still didn't, Loki stepped into the room, grasped the closest corner of the striped covers and unceremoniously pulled them off the bed completely in one sweeping motion, leaving them in a heap on the floor by his feet.
”Hey! What...? Fuck!” Tony flailed, flipped and sputtered when the chilly air of the room suddenly hit his skin, all bare except for his underwear and a thin, worn tank top. He slowly sat up and blinked owlishly up at Loki with large, brown eyes while he rubbed his upper arms with his palms, as if the temperature in the room had been below freezing. ”What was that for?” A miserable pout came into play.
”I can't be late, slowpoke.” Loki wasn't at all impressed with his acting skills and had already turned away to walk out of the room. ”Up. Now.”
He had just turned the corner going back to the kitchen when he heard Tony's hoarse voice calling after him. ”Coffee?”
”I wasn't born yesterday, Tony! Of course there's coffee.”
”Yay!”
Ten minutes later, when Loki had finished his toast and half a cup of coffee, Tony shuffled into the kitchen. He was still looking tired, but his hair was in order (or rather, the kind of disorder that meant he had spent some time making it look that way), and he had jeans and two t-shirts on; a black longsleeve under a gray one with short sleeves and some long since faded print over the chest. Moving like a zombie, arms even reaching out in the same kind of ”brains... need brains” gesture, Tony walked up to the coffee maker to pour himself a cup. He took a long swallow before getting two slices of bread into the toaster and turning to lean against the counter, looking at Loki, who was sitting at the table and flipping through yesterday's mail.
”Anything interesting? Besides bills? Not that bills are interesting, but you know...”
There was, in fact, and Loki held up the two identical envelopes with the name of their high school printed in a corner. He saw Tony's eyebrows shoot up at the same time that the toaster made a tortured little groan and spat his bread back out.
”Hold on.” Tony slathered some butter on the toast and slapped a couple of slices of cheese on one of them before pressing them both together to a sandwich and walking over to the table. ”Whassat?” He got the sad excuse for a question out while still chewing his first bite.
Glaring at the way Tony was mistreating his toast, Loki slowly shook his head. ”How do you think that's a good way to eat toast? It's all just dry bread like that.” He had questioned this habit for years, but it never ceased to bother him.
”Shut up.” Tony swallowed and gave him a grin. ”I eat my toast any way I want to. Now tell me what you got there.”
”Invitations.” Loki dropped the envelopes on the table between them – the one with his own name on it already ripped open – and picked up his cup again. ”Five years since we graduated, apparently. They're arranging a class reunion in a month.”
”Well, how about that?” Tony huffed and took another bite of his toast. ”Time sure does fly, doesn't it?”, he continued when he had swallowed.
”That it does.” With a glance at the clock, Loki emptied his cup before getting up to leave it in the sink and pick up the thermos full of soup that would be his lunch. ”Finish your coffee and bring your so-called toast along. We need to get moving.”
”Right, right...” He didn't sound happy about it, but at least Tony did as he was told and got up from the table.
Tony didn't own the small, bright red car he drove; the company he worked for did, and their logo was printed all over the sides of it. He had a part time job doing tech support and often had to visit the clients to take care of their more or less existing problems. The job didn't pay that much, beause even if the number of hours a week varied they were always too few, but he could use the car for free as a perk, so he always drove Loki to work. Which meant Loki didn't have to spend money on the bus two times every day, and he was grateful for that. In exchange he did all the cooking in the household – even though that was as much self-preservation as anything else, considering the way Tony performed in the kitchen.
”You think we should go?” Tony had pulled out from his parking spot and started driving into the center of town when he glanced at Loki.
”To the reunion?” Raising an eyebrow Loki looked at him, feeling very sceptical. ”Why on earth would we want to do that?”
”Dunno.” With a shrug, Tony stopped for a red light and met Loki's eyes. ”Catching up? Seeing what the others have done with their lives?”
Loki gave a snort. ”Because we know for sure that we will come out on top and can bask in their admiration of how wonderfully ours have turned out?”
”You're going bitter on me, buddy.” Giving him a crooked little smile, Tony turned to look forward when the light turned green. ”What did I tell you about being bitter?”
Rolling his eyes, even though Tony couldn't see him – or perhaps because he knew Tony couldn't see him do it – Loki turned away and looked out the window. He knew there was no use arguing with Tony about this, and in the end he knew he had no right to be bitter if Tony wasn't. Because Loki wasn't the one who had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth and raised for greatness. No, he'd been the only child of a single mother who had never had money to spare after paying the bills and buying groceries. Loki had always known he would graduate from high school and then, if he was lucky, get a job that was above minimum wage. There had been no money for college, no great hopes and dreams.
He'd known this would be it, and this was it.
Things were different for Tony. He could have had something else. Another life. College, science, achievements, a fortune and a company. He could have had everything.
Loki was selfishly very happy that things had turned out otherwise. It meant he still had his best friend in his life, and not across the country where he would never get to meet him.
”Here we are.”
Tony's words pulled Loki back to reality, and he realized that he must have been far away in thoughts for a while because they were just pulling up outside the bookstore where he worked.
”So it is.” He placed his long fingers on the door handle and gave Tony a smile. ”Thanks for the ride.” Even though he always got a ride to work, every day he needed it, he still made a point of always thanking Tony for it, to make sure he made clear that it wasn't something he took for granted. He knew it was a inconvenience some days, after all.
”No worries.” Tony returned the smile.
Loki had just folded himself out of the car and was about to close the door when Tony's voice stopped him.
”Oh, Lokes, wait!”
Placing an elbow on the roof of the car, Loki leaned forward to look inside again.”What?”
Tony suddenly looked worried. ”You had tomorrow off, right?”
The look on Tony's face made Loki himself frown. ”Yes?”
”Oh, good, I thought I had remembered wrong and messed up.” With an exaggerated huff of relief Tony pretended to wipe sweat off his forehead and flick it off his fingers. ”I work the afternoon shift today, and then I'm going to Pepper's.”
”So you won't be coming home tonight”, Loki finished for him, seeing where this was going. Lucky Tony had remembered right, or Loki would have had one very panicked morning the next day.
”You okay with that?” Now Tony looked almost worried again.
Loki couldn't help but laugh. If he would have had a problem with living with someone who was in a relationship he would never have decided to move in with Tony in the first place. The almost seven months he had been with Pepper made it the longest relationship so far, but it was by no means the first, and Loki knew it wouldn't be the last.
”I'm fine, Tony. Say hi to Pep for me.”
The way Tony relaxed in the driver's seat looked more genuine this time. ”Will do. See you tomorrow!”
”See you.”
With that Loki straightened up, shut the car door with a thud so Tony could drive back home, where he probably would go back to bed for a couple of hours. Then he turned to walk across the sidewalk while he got the work keys out of his jacket. It was april but it was still biting cold in the wind these early mornings, so Loki had to wear a jacket even though it would be too warm for it when he got off work in the afternoon.
He unlocked the door, punched in the code for the alarm so it would stop its panicked little beeping, knowing he had a right to be there, and set about making the place ready for the day. While he turned on lights, put up new books, and watered the plants by the window, he thought about Tony's question.
Should they go to the reunion? Loki frowned as he ran his thumb over the dusty leaf of a devil's ivy, the green-and-gold plant climbing up the side of the windowframe, stubbornly clinging on to the wood with a firm grip. He really had no wish to go. There was exactly one good thing he had taken away from school, and that was Tony.
They had been friends since they were seven, and considering they didn't have that many years to remember before that, it meant that they basically had known each other their whole lives. The first day in first grade they had been seated next to each other and that was that – after that they had been inseparable. Both of them were by far too smart for school, but they kept each other from getting too bored. Together they had turned it into a game. Not just in the classroom but also out of it, where everyone else called them nerds and wouldn't let them be a part of anything they did.
Outsiders united, that had been them. Still was.
Loki was the poor, awkward kid who would never amount to anything, preferring his own company to other's.
And Tony... well. Loki sometimes heard people express the opinion that Tony was just a spoiled brat acting out by refusing his father's legacy and inheritance. And everytime it made Loki realize just how few people actually knew Tony. Many claimed to know him, and even to be his friends, but in reality they just liked to hang around him and drink in his company, because he was a charming and funny guy. They didn't know him.
One person did, though. The one who had always been there to listen, and to help pick up the pieces when Tony had his breakdowns, when the preassure of Howard's impossible demands and constant contempt and verbal lashings had just become too much. And that person was Loki. He knew this wasn't about Tony acting out, about trying to prove himself by making it on his own, or even just about defying and denying his father. No, he knew that once Tony had had enough, once you had stepped over the line he had drawn one too many times, you were dead to him. There was nothing you could do to win him back then, because not one single thing you did mattered to him anymore. Loki had seen it happen before, and he knew that once Tony's mind was made up, that was it. No coming back.
On the other hand, no-one knew Loki like Tony did either. No-one else had ever made the effort to get to know him.
The few parts of Loki that weren't placed in Tony had disappeared when his mother died. He had no siblings, no father he had ever known, no extended family, no early childhood friends. He had been an only and lonely child. All he had left when his mother passed were his fading memories and an equally fading collection of photographs. She had taken everything with her that he would never know, the memories of him she had never told him about, what he had been like as a baby, his childhood hopes and dreams. And she had taken with her all the secrets he had told her when he grew older, the ones no-one else got to hear.
She had left Loki all alone in the world in a way he hadn't thought possible, just three weeks before his graduation from high school. If he hadn't had Tony that summer, to help him make arrangements, take him to the funeral, to be there to support him, to hold him when he cried himself to sleep, he probably wouldn't have made it through.
So when Tony of his own free will left behind everything that had been taken from Loki, he might have been angry. But he had seen that the decision to do so had left Tony nearly as devastated and heartbroken as Loki had been by the loss of his mother, and instead he had returned the support Tony had offered him when he needed it.
Before the year was up they had found a worn, smelly apartment at the edge of town that was cheap enough that they could afford to share it and decided to stick together, still. They were all they had, when it came down to it. Sure, Tony had a long line of girlfriends, but they came and went. And after almost sixteen years, the two of them were still friends.
Loki and Tony against the world since what felt like forever.
Why should they want to meet the rest of the people from high school? The people who had never been a part of their world anyway. Not really. They had shared three years with those people because there was no way around it, and that was all.
No. Loki really had no wish to go. But he knew that if Tony really wanted to go then he would probably end up going anyway, because when those big, brown eyes begged him for something Loki could never say no.
At lunchtime Loki turned the place at the register over to Darcy, the curvy and gloriously snarky girl who shared the shifts in the shop with him, and slipped into the back room with the lockers and the employee bathroom, where there was a small table and two chairs set up. He sat down to eat his soup, picking his phone up for company, and saw a message from Tony waiting for him since that morning.
Our lives aren't really THAT bad tho are they?
He smiled at the words in their little bubble on the screen before he started tapping out a reply.
Could have been worse. We could have had to be friends with normal people.
Then he picked up his spoon and made short work of his lunch. He had just finished when the phone in his hand vibrated and Tony's reply showed up.
Are you trying to give me nightmares?!?
So this is the wrong time to remind you that you went and got yourself a normal girlfriend?
Loki grinned at the screen when he put the phone down on the table and leaned back in his chair, stretching until his back popped gloriously against the edge of the backrest. Standing up all day wasn't his favourite part of the job. When he gave a pleased sigh and leaned forward again there was already a reply.
Got you to balance things out, dude. Followed by an obnoxiously large emoji that seemed to press huge, red lips to the inside of the screen.
Shaking his head Loki couldn't hold back a snort of laughter.
Thanks but I'd say you do that well enough on your own.
There Loki's thirty minute lunch break was over and he had to go take care of the rest of his shift before he could leave and let Darcy handle the last couple of hours and the closing.
Having the apartment all to himself was both nice and very boring. Loki enjoyed settling in his corner of the couch with a cup of tea and a book, the TV muttering to itself across the room, but he also sort of missed having Tony on the other end of the worn piece of furniture, and the toe poking Loki's shins when there was something he should see in the stupid movie showing. Because Tony was a part of home.
He must have dozed off there on the couch after a while, because when he woke up to the sound to the front door being unlocked it was dark outside the window, a competely different movie was on, and his book had dropped down on his chest, crinkling one of the pages against the front of his hoodie. Loki rubbed his face and sat up, squinting over the back of the couch to see into the entrance hall, even though there was only one other person with a key to the apartment and he already knew who it was. But still, he had a nagging feeling that Tony shouldn't be here right now. Right? Oh, he should be at Pepper's. Right.
That's when Tony hit the light switch inside the front door. Giving Loki enough light to see him lean down to untie a shoe – and promptly fall pretty much flat on his face on the floor.
Loki was off the couch and by his side before he even knew it himself. That had looked painful! And before he had come close enough to kneel down and help his friend up, Loki was hit by the smell of alcohol like a punch in the nose. Frowning, confusion mixing with worry, Loki grasped Tony's shoulders and managed to pull the limply flailing form half off the floor.
”Tony? Hey, look at me.”
The untidy head of brown hair was bowed down but at the sound of his name Tony managed to lift it, even though it was unsteady on his neck like an infant's. When he turned his head there was already a red mark on his forehead from his encounter with the linoleum, which would probably turn to a bump pretty soon. But Loki wasn't as worried about that as he was by the look in Tony's eyes, red and runny and completely empty. He'd seen his friend drunk before, but this was something else entirely.
”What's wrong?” Loki wrapped his arm securely around Tony's back, holding him up.
Tony gave a wet snort and waved a hand in a barely controlled gesture. ”Me. That's what's wrong. Apparn'tly. Y'know. As always.”
And then Loki knew what his next words would be, before he even heard them.
”Pep dumped me.” Tony's heavy head rolled around on his shoulders until it bumped into Loki's chest and his entire body sagged, making him slump into Loki's side. ”Found some douche with'is own comp'ny. Doin' what I should be doin'.” He breathed a heavy, alcohol-filled sigh into Loki's hoodie. ”Fucker.”
Loki wasn't sure if Tony meant Pepper or the guy she had chosen over Tony, and he didn't ask. He knew which one he hoped he meant, at least.
”Come on, let's get you sorted out, Tony.”
Getting Tony off the floor and to the couch wasn't easy. He was shorter than Loki but also more solidly built and heavier than he looked. His limp body didn't resist or struggle, but it also did absolutely nothing to help which was somehow almost worse.
Loki went to the kitchen, poured a large glass of water and made a quick sandwich, since he decided Tony would be in need of both. It took some convincing to make his drunk friend agree but in the end Tony mechanically chewed his way through the little meal and obediently drank his water. When that was done he just sat there and stared straight ahead, looking numb. So Loki got him off the seat and led him to his room to settle him on the edge of the bed instead. There he pulled Tony's t-shirts off, made him lie down and only hesitated for a moment before unbuckling Tony's belt, undoing button and zipper on his jeans and carefully pulling them off him too. Sleeping in those would be way too uncomfortable.
When he went to pull the rumpled covers over Tony a hand came up in a surprisingly fast and steady movement, catching his wrist, and Loki looked down at the tortured frown on Tony's face, liquid eyes glancing up at him from under wet lashes.
”Stay?” It was mostly a raspy whisper, but Loki heard.
He nodded. ”Of course.”
At last relaxing a little Tony rolled over on his side, facing the nightstand, and let Loki tuck him in.
Loki unzipped his own hoodie and pulled that off along with the sweatpants he had been lounging around in. He kept his t-shirt on and then, as an afterthought, went to turn off the lights in the apartment before he felt his way through the darkness in the room to Tony's bed, awkwardly climbing over his legs, and then settling down between his friend's back and the wall, pulling at least some of the coverlet free for himself.
By then, Tony was already snoring softly, out like the lights.
Loki woke up sometime later in the night, when it was still so dark in the room he barely noticed the difference when he opened his eyes. His other senses quickly reminded him that he wasn't in his own bed, though. There was the added warmth of another body close by, which was odd and strange, and the much more familiar smell of Tony's aftershave and shampoo and skin from the bedding. Even though it was unusual to have it this close, and all around him. Then he heard a wet, strangled little sound, half swallowed down but not completely successfully, and felt the tiny, impossible to suppress cramps pulling at the shoulder blades in front of him.
Maybe he should just pretend to be sleeping, but Loki found that he couldn't. He didn't say anything, he just untangled his left arm from the covers and slowly, gently placed it around Tony's chest. At first Tony tensed up, then he relaxed under the touch and let out a long, shuddering sigh, his hand coming up to grasp Loki's wrist in a silent acceptance and thank you. He didn't say anything either. There probably wasn't anything to say. Loki just shuffled a hint closer on the mattress, tilting his head until it his forehead was in Tony's hair, still full of the almost sugary sweet scent of his styling products.
For a while the forced down sobs got stronger, then they softened again, came further apart, until Tony gave a more controlled sigh and started breathing much more slowly and evenly. His body gave a faint twitch after a minute, and Loki knew he'd fallen back to sleep.
He didn't take his arm back. He just stayed there, close and as comforting as he could be, until he fell asleep too.
When he woke up next time he had rolled around in his sleep and was facing the wall. Stretching, rubbing his face, he found his bearings again and turned to find Tony on his back, staring at the ceiling, the arm closest to Loki resting on his chest and the other under his head. He propped himself up on an elbow and got a better look at Tony's pale face and swollen eyes.
”Hey”, he greeted softly, but hoarsely.
Tony shifted his bloodshot gaze to Loki's face. ”Hey.” His voice was even more shot and broken. Then he sighed in a way that sounded painful and stared up into nothing again. ”I'm sorry if I -”
”Don't.” Angling his arm, Loki bumped his free elbow against Tony's upper arm. ”If you say sorry for being sad I'm going to punch you.”
Never taking his eyes off the ceiling, Tony just gave a slow nod.
Loki pushed himself up sitting, and combed a hand through his rumpled hair. There was a distinct odor of used alcohol and hangover and a lack of oxygen in the room. That wouldn't do. He shuffled on hands, heels and ass to the foot of the bed, stood and walked over to the small window over Tony's cluttered desk. Letting the light in felt like it wouldn't go over well, but he opened the window about a few inches and stuck a book under it so it wouldn't blow all the way open or fall back closed. The air felt cool and fresh on his face, and he pulled in a deep breath of it, cleansing his lungs.
He turned back to find Tony watching him from the bed, and gave his miserable friend a smile. ”I know what'll make you feel at least a little better.” Loki walked back and reached out a hand to help him up. ”A shower while I make you coffee and bacon.”
It was difficult to say if it worked in the end, but at least the promise of caffeine and salty fat got Tony out of the bed.
Tony called in sick that day, and since he almost never did that there were no protests on the other end of the line. Especially with the way his shot voice made him sound completely used up.
Since Loki had the day off anyway they spent the day on the couch, legs tangled up on the middle seat under a fluffy blanket. They didn't talk much, not even Tony. Just watched pointless sit-coms and talkshows.
When it was time to go to bed, because they were both supposed to start work early the next day, Loki felt Tony's pleading look before he even saw it. So he just brought the blanket from the couch when they left it for the night and curled up beside Tony in his bed again.
In the darkness he felt Tony turn around and shuffle a bit closer, the warm gust of a sigh hitting Loki's shoulder and cheek.
”That's what I get for trying to have a normal girlfriend, right?”
Loki turned to look at him, and could only just make out the shape of Tony's head against the striped pillowcase. ”I'd say it's her loss for wanting a normal boyfriend. You know, instead of an awesome one.”
”Yeah? Well, now she's stuck with that douchebag.”
”Serves her right.”
There came a little huff from Tony, and then his warm hand came to settle on Loki's arm, right below his elbow. He didn't say anything else, but the gratitude was still clear.
Loki spent one more night in Tony's bed after that, waking up during the wolf hour to a Tony who was whimpering and sobbing in his sleep, hugging his pillow in unconscious protection from a nightmare. He rolled around again to settle behind Tony as his big spoon, an arm cradling both him and the useless pillow to his chest.
Moments later Tony at last settled down, breathing evenly again.
Loki never mentioned that night's events with a word the next day.
Things slowly returned to normal. They went to work, they chatted about their day as they shared dinner on the couch, they changed channels whenever something romantic started playing. Life went on.
One night like that Tony suddenly turned to Loki with an already stubborn look on his face, which Loki knew meant he had decided on something for the both of them.
”We're going to the reunion.”
Loki groaned. ”Why?”
”Because I need to be reminded that shit could have been worse. Like you said; we could have had to be friends with normal people.” Tony stretched as far as his shorter body would let him, and managed to poke Loki in the chest with his big toe by sliding down on the seat. He pointedly raised a brow. ”We could have been normal people, Lokes. Just think about that for a minute, yeah?”
Sighing, Loki still had to nod. The man had a point.
”Also”, Tony resumed, raising his hands to tick the points in favour of going off on his fingers, ”there'll be free booze, whe can laugh at everyone who's now married with kids, if we're lucky someone will make a fool of themselves, if we're even more lucky it won't be me, and it's been ages since we went anywhere, just you and me.” And then there came that begging-puppy-watching-you-eat kind of look to the brown eyes. ”Please? It'll be fun.”
It actually had been ages. During the months Tony had been with Pepper there just hadn't been that much time they had spent together except on mornings before work and nights after, when Tony wasn't out on dates or staying over at her place. A few times they had done something the three of them, and that had been unexpectedly not awkward, but after a while Loki had still always felt too much like the odd one out and called it an early night, every time.
He shrugged, giving up. ”Okay. Sure. Fine. We'll go.”
”Yay!”
And even though Loki already knew it probably wouldn't be as fun as Tony made it out to sound, agreeing was totally worth seeing Tony actually, genuinely smile for the first time in over a week.
It really wasn't as much fun as Tony had tried to claim it would be, but Loki actually had to agree that it wasn't as bad as he had feared either.
They had settled on semi-casual outfits, slacks and shirts and the only dress shoes they owned – both those and the dark pants left hidden away in their wardrobes since graduation, but luckily it all still fit them. And who would remember what they had worn five years ago, anyway?
Most of the others were in suits and fancy dresses, showing off, but that just made it clear how much they were still the outsiders they had always been. Somehow, it was a relief. They had their roles and knew how to play them.
There were a lot of people now married with children, although few of the people they had known best.
Thor, who had grown even bigger and louder over the last few years, was one of them, though. Tiny little Jane was still all eyes and nervous energy by his side, smiling indulgently while her husband bragged about their twins and how little sleep they got at night. Which Loki assumed was some sort of badge of honour for new parents, since he'd heard it more than once before that night.
Natasha and Clint still gravitated toward each other in a suspicious way, but neither of them wore rings on their left hands and they offered no details about their lives, as close-lipped as always about anything personal.
Steve seemed to have been hit by a second round of puberty sometime during the last five years and had turned from a frail-looking boy into a wide-shouldered man. Which seemed to be more shocking to his old friend Barnes more than anyone else. He tried to hide his half impressed, half envious stares, but didn't quite make it.
Bruce, who had been one of the few people to actually get along along with Tony, at least, had turned from an irritable teen, always dangerously close to snapping and punching his fist into something, into an almost timid man, curiously studying the world from behind his glasses.
Loki figured that he and Tony were the two who had probably changed the least, at least in the eyes of others. But they didn't mind. Loki sipped his bottle of beer while Tony gleefully emptied his first and got another as they watched the people from their old life milling around in the old school cafeterea, where the tables had been moved aside to make room for dancing.
”So”, Loki asked after a while of that, leaning in to speak into Tony's ear, ”are you feeling better yet?”
Tony nodded, making the hair at his temple brush Loki's lips, and then turned so his grin was almost as close. ”Bet your sweet ass I am.” Then he tilted his head to the side. ”Just look at these idiots.”
And across the room they watched as Natasha's long looks Steve's way at last made Clint snap and stomp out of the room like a three year old with a temper tantrum.
And Tony nudged his elbow into Loki's ribs, laughing until he almost cried. ”Oh fuck, I need another beer.”
Later, when they were outside trying to cool down in the fresh air, Thor and Clint came walking along one of the campus walkways. By the looks of things they'd had a talk, and Clint looked a bit happier.
”Hey, guys!” Thor was grinning widely at them when he got close enough. ”We're going to get shots. And lots of them. Wanna join?”
Tony turned from Loki to frown at the blond man. ”Dude? Aren't you a bit heavy on the beard and the muscle to be seventeen? You might want to have that checked.”
All that got was a shrug and a chuckle from deep inside the heavy chest. ”Shots never get old.”
”Right...” Tony blinked, glanced at Loki, and it looked like he was considering something.
”Come on, Stark! Or are the two of you chickening out before we even start?” Clint raised an eyebrow in a suspicious, accusing way.
”Well, if we do, that just means we're the most grown up guys here.” Laughing, Tony slung his left arm up around Loki's shoulders while he pointed between them with his right, still holding his beer bottle.
”And also the boringest”, Barton pointed out.
”'Boringest', Clint?” The laughter bubbled up inside Tony again, and Loki could feel the vibrations of it through the arm his friend still had around him. The sensation made him smile more than the silly word. ”Did you forget how to English, or what?”
The sandy-haired man, looking so small still standing next to Thor, actually stuck his tongue out at that. ”Doesn't make it less true, Stark.” With that he opened the door and walked in, but they could still hear him calling from the room beyond the doorway. ”And you know what would remedy that boringness? Shots!”
Thor was chuckling again and rubbing his hands when he followed, no doubt in anticipation of the shots.
When the others were gone Tony slowly let his hand drop from Loki's shoulder, but he didn't pull it away in the movement, rather letting it slide down his ribs and spine until he reached the small of Loki's back, where he took it back completely. Instead raising it to scratch at the back of his head. His hand left behind a warm trace in the early summer night chill, but Loki tried to ignore the way it somehow felt significant. Because he couldn't make sense of how or why.
”Boringness...” With a snort Tony turned to smirk up at Loki. ”I swear to god, school was completely wasted on most of these people.”
”As far as I can remember, we noticed that even before we graduated”, Loki muttered, but managed a little smile in return.
”So.” Tony's fingers were still in his hair, but they went still when his face turned more serious, and slid down to rest over the tanned back of his neck. He cleared his throat a little. ”You wanna play with the other children?”
”No.” Loki didn't even need to think about his answer. Crossing his arms over his chest he glanced down at their feet on the asphalt. ”I'd rather embrace my 'boringness' and sit it out. Just like I always have before.”
Tony studied his face a moment, and then smiled. ”Okay, screw those guys. You want to go back in and have a few shots with me?”
And as always, Loki just couldn't tell him no.
They ended up missing the last bus home and they couldn't afford a cab, but at least the school was on their side of town so walking home would only take about half an hour. And Loki secretly thought that Tony could probably use the walk in the fresh summer night air after the way more than ”a few” shots he'd had, so perhaps that wasn't a bad thing after all.
Tony grumbled a bit about sore feet in those stupid dress shoes, but after a while he seemed to forget about that and was chatting happily about the night's events as they walked along the empty streets, moving slowly from semi-darkness to the pools of gold under the street lights. In the east the sky was already turning lighter blue, the birds were awake and singing, and the sweet fragrance of jasmine reached for them from the gardens they passed. All in all, it wasn't a bad way to end a surprisingly fun evening.
Halfway home they stopped to have a piss among some trees beside the road, shots and beer eager to be released into the wild. When Loki had zipped up his pants and was walking back to the road, Tony came noisily stumbling out of the bushes and almost ran right into him. Laughing at his own poor balance Tony threw his arms around Loki's waist to keep himself upright, and they came to a wobbly halt right in the knee-high grass by the edge of the asphalt while Loki, grinning himself, got an arm around Tony's shoulders to help him keep steady.
”Told ya we'd have fun”, Tony pointed out, pleased with himself, as he tilted his head back a bit to return Loki's grin.
”You did.”
”See? I always know best, Lokes.” The arms wrapped around his back pulled Loki even closer, Tony's warm eyes sparkling even in the dawn's twilight.
”I don't know about tha-” Loki gave a yelp and jumped when Tony pinched his soft side. ”Fine, you know best!” He tried really hard to scowl down at his still stupidly grinning friend, but he knew the twitch in the corner of his mouth was giving his own mirth away. ”But just for that, you're not getting bacon tomorrow.”
Tony's face fell comically fast, eyebrows pulling up in a distressed knot. ”You can't do that to me! Come on, that's just cruel!” He flattened his hand to rub his palm soothingly over the fabric of Loki's shirt now. ”Sorry? Please? You know I love your bacon, Lokes.”
”I do.” Giving Tony a teasing grin that clearly said that was exactly why he had known this punishment would be so effective.
”Asshole.” Tony managed to keep his faked heartbroken expression for another moment, before it dissolved in a chuckle.
Then Loki felt a shift in the tiny sliver of air between them. A change that suddenly made him very aware of the way they were still standing there by the side of the road, to their knees in dew-wet grass, arms tightly around each other, smiling at each other like idiots. From the way Tony's eyes made a strange little move down to his lips before they came back up to meet his, Loki knew he wasn't the only one who had felt the shift. Or maybe Tony was rather the one who had initiated the shift, and Loki had just felt the effects of it. Like shockwaves in the soft night air.
As if in answer to that thought, Tony was suddenly clinging on even harder to Loki's waist, and then pushed himself up on his toes, coming closer to Loki's height, and leaned closer until his breath was a warm caress over Loki's lips, parted in confusion. While a part of him wasn't confused at all. He'd felt the change in Tony's touch earlier in the night, after all, and wondered what it meant.
He knew now. And he knew he couldn't let this happen.
Loki got his free hand in between their bodies and placed it on Tony's chest, gently stopping him when their lips were barely a finger's width apart, and carefully pushed him back. And for once when those wide brown eyes turned begging, he didn't give in. Instead he just slowly dropped his arm from Tony's shoulders and used both his hands to pick Tony's arms free from himself. Not harshly, but firmly.
”Come on”, he said, pulling Tony along with a grip around his wrist as he got them back on the road and resumed their walk. ”Let's get home before the sun comes up, shall we?”
Tony didn't resist, but he was quiet the rest of the way home.
By the time they got there, though, Loki wasn't sure if that was because of the evaded kiss or because Tony was just too tired to talk. He was still drunk, but by now he seemed far more crippled by his exhausted body than the alcohol. Either way, it meant Loki had to support him into his bedroom once more, help him out of his clothes, and tip him into bed.
When Loki leaned in over him to tuck him in, Tony made a grumbling little noise.
”Why'dya stop?” Tony's brown eyes were blodshot enough that it showed even in the dim lights of the room when he blinked up at Loki.
Loki knew exactly what the slurred question referred to, but he really didn't want to answer that now. Not like this. So he just shook his head and offered his friend a smile as he went to pull the covers to his shoulder. ”Sleep now, Tony. Night's over.”
The dark eyes slowly, reluctantly fell shut when he felt the warmth gathering in the bed around him. Yawning widely, Tony rubbed his face into the pillow like a cat while he got his arms around it and pulled it closer. ”Di'n wannit t'be over”, he murmured, almost whining. ”Wanned t'kiss you.” The last words were just a sigh into the pillowcase, and seconds later the sigh turned into slow, steady breathing as Tony fell asleep.
After standing up straight Loki watched him sleep for a minute, biting his lip. He hoped Tony wouldn't remember that wish tomorrow.
It was no surprise that Loki was the first one to wake up the next day. He had been far from sober the night before, but he had been nowhere near as drunk as Tony, and he tended to wake up way too early on the rare morning after anyway.
After a shower Loki pulled on sweatpants and a longsleeve and shuffled out into the livingroom, settling under a blanket in front of the TV and a rerun marathon of The Simpsons, which felt about the right level at the moment.
He must have gone back to sleep after a while anyway, since he opened his eyes after what felt like an unusually long blink and found the midday news on the screen, and Tony smiling down at him. Being watched made Loki notice he'd drooled into the pillow and he sat up, quickly wiping his mouth, suddenly very self-conscious.
Watching him move made Tony's smile turn to a grin. ”I was gonna ask if you'd slept out here all night, but I see you must have had a shower, so I guess not.”
Loki's hands flew to his long hair, which had been more than a little damp when he'd settled on the couch, and groaned when he felt the curly, tangled mess that had dried into strange shapes around his head, flat in one place, poofed up in another.
”Shut up”, he muttered, trying to flatten the unruly tresses. Which was completely useless.
That just made Tony chuckle as he walked over to drop down in his end of the couch. His own hair was also a mess, but that was more common.
Loki gave up on trying to tame his hair by hand and got up off his seat to walk into the kitchen where he knew he'd left a hair tie lying on the table yesterday. When he'd captured the mess into a sort of bun at the back of his neck he decided he might as well make some coffee, and when he opened the fridge he spotted a pack of orange juice and knew he needed some of that too.
By the time he returned to the couch, carrying a cup and a glass, Tony was stretched out flat all along the seats, lazily watching the news. At the sight of the cup he sniffed, and visibly perked up.
”I thought I heard the coffee maker. Enough left for me?”
”Of course.” Loki had counted on Tony wanting some too, but hadn't known if his stomach could handle it this early.
”Hey, you never answered my question last night”, Tony half called from the living room when Loki had walked back out into the kitchen.
Loki frowned, pouring coffee into Tony's favourite cup; a black one with a drawing of a caffeine molecule in white on the side of it. ”I think you asked more than one.” He raised his voice to be heard from the kitchen. When he heard no answer to that he stayed silent until he was walking back to the couch and could keep his tone more normal. ”Care to repeat it?”
”Why did you stop?”
”Stop what?”, Loki asked distractedly as he handed Tony the cup, eyes firmly on the rim of it so he wouldn't spill any of the hot liquid, and then sank down to sit on the edge of the couch. His ass just barely fit beside Tony's stretched out legs on the seat.
When his eyes came up to Tony's face one of his eyebrows was raised. ”You weren't half as drunk as I was, so I'm pretty sure you remember.”
”Oh.” Dropping his eyes to where his hands were hanging between his knees, Loki pulled his shoulders up. It started out as a shrug, but then they never dropped down again and instead just stayed by his ears. ”I didn't think you'd remember. Asking me, I mean.” He also couldn't help but wonder if Tony remembered what he had muttered into his pillow after asking that question...
”Well, I do. And I remember you not telling me.” A knee gently nudged Loki's lower back, but he didn't look up. ”I kind of want to know.”
Loki knew Tony well enough to be fully aware that his friend wouldn't let it drop until he had an answer he was satisfied with. Even if he was hung over and tired he wouldn't give up. He shut his eyes for a moment, drawing in a deep breath, before he raised his head and looked at Tony's stubbornly curious face. There was no way he was getting off the hook, so he might as well go for honesty.
”I stopped because I didn't want to do it”, he told Tony's right ear, not able to meet his eyes.
”Yeah, I got that bit.” In the corner of his eye Loki could se Tony's wry little smile. ”Why, though?”
”If we had...” Loki swallowed and his eyes almost involuntarily drifted over to meet Tony's, an eyebrow still raised. ”You might have liked it”, he finished, and was a bit impressed by how steady he kept his voice.
The other eyebrow joined the first while Tony took a sip from his cup, never taking his eyes off Loki's face. ”And that would have been a bad thing why?”
Before he could stop it, a sharp little laugh cut it's way out of Loki's throat, before shaking his head at the frown he found on Tony's face when he glanced over. ”You were drunk, Tony, and you like anything and everything when you're drunk. Once I saw you eat half a hamburger someone had left on a bus seat, and you thought it was the most amazing thing ever.”
Tony huffed. ”Right. Thanks for letting me do that, by the way.” Then his eyes narrowed. ”And did you seriously just compare kissing you to eating bus seat hamburger leftovers? Because dude, that's my best friend you're talking about, and that's not cool.”
The laugh was not so sharp this time. ”I at least like to imagine that I'm not that bad.” Not that he knew for sure. But this was really not the time to think about that. Loki swallowed. ”What I'm getting at is that you wouldn't have known the difference. Right then, you would have liked whatever you got, but that doesn't mean anything.”
For a moment when they looked at each other it felt like it was all over and done with, that they had cleared the air and the tension was out of it. Then Tony opened his mouth again and turned it all upside down.
”What about now? I'm not drunk now, so I would know the difference.”
Loki stared and felt his jaw start to drop, but he caught himself and disguised it by protesting. ”No, you're not drunk. But Tony, really, you're still... something.”
”Something?” Tony leaned forward to place the half empty cup on the table and then turned around so he ended up leaning into Loki's personal sphere. ”What does that mean?”
”You're still not over Pepper”, Loki told him bluntly.
The name made Tony tense up and lean back out of Loki's space again. ”You... You think that's what this is about?”
”What else would it be?”
Tony looked at him for a little while, and something in his eyes told Loki he had just asked a stupid question.
”Okay, shit”, Tony said at last, and then waved a hand, asking Loki to move. ”Let me sit up.”
Loki got off the seat to let Tony get up with his feet on the floor, and then sat back down on the seat next to his.
Again, Tony was silent for a moment before he rubbed his hands over his face and turned to look at Loki, suddenly very serious. ”This has nothing to do with anyone else, Loki. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to kiss you. Because you're you and you mean a lot to me and maybe more than I've ever known you did, and I just wanted... to kiss you.”
Loki blinked. Once. And then a few more times, a bit faster. He'd suspected that was what was going on, but hearing it was something else. And it filled him with fear.
”When did that... happen?” He only just managed to get the words out. ”I didn't think you were, you know, into guys?”
Tony slid his hands in between the couch and his thighs and shrugged. ”I can't say when it happened, really. I think it snuck up on me. And honestly, I don't know if I techically am... I don't know... Bi? Into guys? Like, in general? Maybe it's not a guy thing. Maybe it's a Loki thing?” He flashed the stunned expression on Loki's face a smile. ”Then for months there was Pepper, and I didn't think about it at all then. But then she dumped me, and you...” He hesitated, cleared his throat, but held Loki's eyes. ”You were there. I mean I know you have been before, we've been there for each other, but I think it was the first time I really thought about it. And sort of... felt about it? Does that make sense? I don't know.” He shrugged again, hands still under his legs. ”But I realized that it felt good. Knowing you cared and were there and somewhere in there I started feeling that I wanted more of that.”
Starting to open his mouth, Loki leaned in to repeat his earlier objections, only to be cut off by a firm headshake from Tony.
”No, still not about you being a... rebound, or whatever you're thinking. Like I said, this was going on before Pep, I just didn't figure it out intil after.”
Loki just swallowed. He had no words.
”For the longest time I almost thought of us as brothers”, Tony said, now with a crooked little smile. ”We didn't have siblings and then barely other friends, and it was just you and me against the world, for years and years. Still is, I guess. You've been at least half my life since as long as I can remember and whenever something happens, whatever it is, good or bad or funny or stupid, all I can think about is telling you. Being with you is never difficult because I'm just me and that's okay. I'm never pretending to be something I'm not.”
Loki noticed a pause and a look asking for validation, and he nodded. He felt the same. Nothing in his life felt really real until he'd told Tony, and they were always themselves when they were together. No masks.
”I went on a couple of dates.”
Loki gaped. ”When?”
”Not that long ago, a week or two, maybe.”
”You didn't tell me.” There was no accusation in the words, just confusion. Tony always told him when he had a date, and asked him to hold his thumbs - mainly because he had laughed himself silly when Loki had explained it was the Scandinavian equivalent of crossing fingers to wish someone good luck, a habit from his mother, and Tony had thought it was so hilarious it just had to work - but now he hadn't even hinted at it.
”I know.” A little wince. ”And that was part of what made me realize that something was different.” Tony pulled his hands free, and Loki noticed that the folds of fabric in his jeans had left red imprints on the backs of them before he used them to gesture through his following explanation. ”Somehow it felt like I did something wrong, going on those dates. So I didn't tell you, even though I couldn't figure out why it felt off. And then...” His hands froze in the air, before they fell in his lap. ”And then I mostly spent the dates thinking about how much more fun I would have had if I'd spent that time with you.”
”Oh...” There was absolutely nothing Loki could find to add to that.
Still, Tony nodded like he had said something deep and thoroughly insightful. ”Exactly.” He pulled a slow breath before he went on. ”Then we went to the reunion yesterday and I spent the whole night trying not to touch you and we almost kissed and... Yeah, well, I can't pretend there isn't something going on anymore.” Then he looked down at his hands, now resting in his lap. ”But given how you didn't want to kiss me, I guess this is just something going on on my end, so I guess we'll... pretend this didn't happen? Maybe?”
The look he gave Loki then, through long lashes, was a strange mix of hopefulness and disappointment.
And Loki knew he could have just nodded then, let the awkward conversation drop, drink his coffee and have life go on the same way it had for the last years. And he totally planned on doing that. Then his mouth opened and it all went to shit.
”It's not.”
”What?” Tony frowned, confused.
”It's not just on your end.” Loki squirmed a little under the wide-eyed stare Tony gave him at that confession. ”You mean a lot to me too, you know. And maybe you've sort of been more than just a friend to me for a while. Not that there's anything 'just' about friendship, but...” He cleared his throat. ”Anyway. That's not why I didn't let you kiss me.”
Tony looked completely lost now.
”The reason I didn't let you is that...” Loki hesitated. He had never ever told anyone this before. Not even his mother. By the time he had been old enough to realize the truth about himself she had already been diagnosed with the tumour that eventually killed her, and he had let her die thinking he was the nice, normal son she had always thought him to be. ”That I'm...” He clenched his teeth, steeling himself. How bad could it possibly get if he just spit it out? ”I'm not interested in having sex.”
”Um... Okay?” Tony still looked just as lost, perhaps even more. ”Like, not with me? Or right now? Or -”
”Not with anyone. Ever.” Loki tried to be more clear, to put Tony out of his confused misery. ”Never have been, and never will be.” He pulled a breath and then got the word out in a rush, for the first time in his life. ”Asexual. That's... that's what I am.”
And then he tried to brace for Tony's reaction, make his skin as tough as he could, to stand whatever was to come. Even though it probably wouldn't work, since Tony was already under his skin, inside his defenses, and it would hurt no matter what he did.
But Tony didn't say anything. He'd just shuffled closer on the couch and put his arms around Loki – who realized he was trembling when he felt Tony's steady touch against his back – and pulled him into the longest, warmest hug Loki had ever received in his entire life.
Stunned, Loki remained tense and frightened for a few seconds, before he let himself slump into Tony's chest, his head resting on his shoulder, an arm shyly sneaking around Tony's back in turn.
When they at last drifted apart Loki wasn't sure which one of them moved back first. It just happened so naturally it felt like they had obeyed the same thought. And Tony still kept a hand resting against the small of his back, warm and steady and supportive, while he gave Loki a thoughtful look.
”So, what you're saying is that you didn't stop because you don't...” Tony's eyes flickered away, suddenly insecure, ”want me?” He swallowed, eyes finding Loki's agin. ”But because you don't want to have sex?”
”Yes.” Loki tilted his head to the side. ”And perhaps because I thought to you, those things would be, well, one and the same?”
”Yeah, I guess it mostly has been at least pretty much overlapping.” Tony shrugged with just one shoulder, so he could hold the arm around Loki in place.
”And I can't give you that. So I never wanted to... lead you on.”
”I get that. And thank you.” Giving him a warm, appreciative smile Tony wrapped his arm tighter around him and leaned into a sort of half hug. ”You know, for telling me.” Then he leaned back and suddenly frowned, looking worried, but it seemed directed more at himself. And when he let go of Loki's waist and leanad away a bit more Loki suspected that he knew what he was thinking. ”Do you not want me to...?”
And Loki couldn't help letting out a little huff of laughter at that. ”Thank you for the concern, but it's not necessary, Tony.”
Really, he thought Tony should know better. Over the years, especially since moving into the same pretty small apartment, they were both more than familiar with each other's touch, and scent, and presence. They were both natural huggers, and they had never had an aversion to being tactile with each other, in small and casual ways. Slinging an arm around each other's shoulders felt right, they often sat or stood close to each other when they were doing something in the kitchen or were leaning over something they were reading. They liked leaning into the other on the couch or having their legs in a tangled mess on the seats, under a shared blanket, when they were leaning back on opposite armrests.
It was the way it had always been. Maybe it would have been different if they had gotten to know each other when they were older, but as it was they had grown up together, shaped themselves around each other.
But on the other hand, he had just presented Tony with a very new piece of the puzzle that was Loki, and he couldn't fault him for not knowing how to fit it into the ones he'd already had on the table.
”I really don't mind physical contact”, he explained with a faint smile, trying to ease Tony's mind a little. ”I actually like it. A lot.”
”Oh, that's great.” Tony sagged into him with a sigh as he got his arm back into place. ”I was worried I'd made you all kinds of uncomfortable since... forever.”
”You haven't”, Loki assured him, slipping his own arm around Tony's back in turn. ”Only ever the opposite, to be honest.”
At those words Tony's face split into a wide, happy smile. ”Awesome.” He rubbed warm little circles into Loki's lower ribs with his thumb while he thoughtfully nibbled on his bottom lip. ”So, to get back to the question of the kiss, then? Would that be in the 'like it a lot' category of physical contact, or the 'never in a million years' category?” And the amazing thing was that he only sounded curious with the question. Like he could roll with it either way.
”To be honest? I don't know.” Gnawing on his own lip now, Loki let his eyes drop to where his left thigh was pressed against Tony's shorter right one. It was a warm and comforting point of contact. ”I haven't kissed anyone since we played spin the bottle in fifth grade and had to kiss Natasha on the lips. Remember?”
”'Course I remember! And then Clint 'accidentally' tripped you in gym the next day and made you sprain your wrist.”
Loki turned wide eyes on him. ”You think that was for...?”
”It totally was.”
”Well, he needn't have bothered because I didn't feel like doing it again.”
Tony raised a dark eyebrow. ”And now?”
”No, I still don't feel like kissing Nat again.”
Eyes narrowing, Tony shifted his hand until he had the soft skin of Loki's waist trapped between thumb and index finger. ”Don't make me pinch you again.” But the corner of his mouth was heading decidedly up.
Loki flashed him a teasing smirk, and then turned abruptly serious. Trying to make sense of what he actually felt on the subject. ”I have no idea. Maybe I could... try? But I can't promise I'd like it. Or want to try again.” He squirmed a little and felt Tony let up his threatening pincer grip, rubbing a soothing palm over the side of his back instead. ”I need to think about it. This is all... a lot to think about, Tony.”
”I get that. And you can think about it as long as you want, I promise.”
Running his eyes over Tony's face, taking in everything from the straight hairline to the thick brows over warm, kind, brown eyes, the sharply cut nose, his ridiculously elaborate goatee, his soft-looking lips, Loki tried to think, but failed. Then he made himself settle on those dark eyes again.
”You have a lot to think about, too.”
”I do?” Tony looked a bit like Loki had just pulled him from very faraway thoughts.
”I suppose this changes how you thought things could turn out between us”, Loki felt obliged to point out, ”so you should think about if you'd still want to be something besides friends.”
”Oh. Right.” The honey brown eyes blinked a couple of times. ”No”, he said with a shrug, moments later. ”Changes nothing.” Then he smiled at Loki's completely bewildered expression. ”I've never had sex with you before, and I still feel the way I do about you. So if I keep on not having sex with you, that should be just fine.”
For a few frozen moments, Loki kept staring at his pleased, smiling face. And then, as if on a given cue, they both burst out laughing. Giddy with relief and emotional overload.
They spent the rest of the afternoon in a typically hung over way; watching bad TV and silly movies, eating a pizza they pooled all their change – and some they found under the couch cushions – to be able to afford, Loki drinking green tea and Tony taking a shower to wash off the stale alcohol.
Since Loki had the opening shift the next morning he tried to go to bed sort of early, while Tony had the next day off as well and chose to stay by the TV a while longer.
Feeling a bit awkward, wondering if he should do something different than what he usually did, Loki just gave Tony a shy smile as he got up off the couch.
”Good night, Tony.”
”Night, Lokes.” The smile he gave in return wasn't a bit shy, just genuinely happy.
Loki still hadn't fallen asleep when he heard a very light knock on his door, even though it had to be very late. A glance at his cell phone on the floor by his bed told him it was 1.32 AM.
”Yes?” He didn't need to raise his voice in the night silence.
There came a soft click when the door opened and then he could just make out the dark shape of Tony's head peeking in. ”Can I come in?”
”Sure?” He didn't know what this was about, but he started moving back from the edge of the bed to leave room, thinking Tony would sit down there, and ready to sit to face him in the dim lighting.
Instead Tony came into the room, leaving the door ajar behind him, grabbed the edge of the coverlet Loki was under and slipped in beside him. He didn't push all the way up to Loki, but the bed wasn't as wide as Tony's so they ended up pretty close anyway.
”I couldn't sleep”, he muttered on a sigh, and Loki could smell the mint from their toothpaste.
Loki swallowed and was sure the sound echoed in the room. ”Tony, I don't know if -”
He was cut off. ”You can throw me out if you want, and I'm not here to nag you about anything; I know you need to think. It was just lonely in there.”
After a brief moment's hesitation Loki nodded, even though he didn't know if Tony could see it. ”Okay. It's all right.” He relaxed into the mattress again. ”I couldn't sleep either.”
”Thinking?”
”Yes.”
”Me too.” A little chuckle came through the dark. ”Guess you weren't the only one who needed to do that after all.”
”Well, this really is...”, Loki started, mumbling.
”...A lot”, Tony finished, repeating Loki's words from earlier that night. ”Yeah, trust me, I know.”
”At least you've already had some time to get used to the idea”, Loki pointed out, but with a smile he was sure Tony would hear in his words.
There came another soft laugh, but no more words.
Curling up as much as he could without pushing Tony off the bed with his knees, Loki let his eyes slide shut and tried to stop thinking. He didn't think he would reach any new, groundbreaking conclusions tonight anyway. No matter what would happen later, right now this just felt good. Tony was a warm, solid weight on the other side of the bed, breathing and shifting slightly, getting his arms in under the other pillow, smelling clean and fresh after his shower that afternoon, and he had a calming influence on Loki. Maybe he hadn't expected it, but it felt right to have Tony there.
His eyes opened again, and he gazed across the divide between the pillows until he was sure he could make out the shape of Tony's head against the light green pillowcase, a shoulder and a bicep above the matching covers. It felt safer to half watch Tony like this, when it was less obvious and he couldn't see every distracting detail. While he followed the dark line of Tony's hair against his forehead, the shadow cast by his nose, he found himself thinking about the night before. The feeling of the heat from Tony's palms bleeding through the fabric of his shirt, the way a lock of brown hair had fallen down his forehead when he had reached up closer to Loki, that little hint of a smile crinkling the corners of his dark eyes. Yes, Loki thought he would have liked to try that kiss, too.
But he was still happy he hadn't let it happen. That hadn't been the right time.
Now Tony knew his secret, and had claimed it didn't change how he felt. Whatever that might be. Maybe it would turn out to not be the same thing Loki felt, still, but there was something there. Had to be, for Tony to bring it up at all.
Maybe that made it worth at least giving things a try?
Loki pulled his hand from his own pillow and slowly slid it closer to Tony over the sheet. The sound of the friction seemed very loud in the silence between them, but Tony didn't stir. Maybe he was asleep? But somehow Loki didn't think so. He moved his hand closer until he was by Tony's elbow. His fingertips had just barely brushed the skin over the bones protruding under it when he saw Tony's eyes open, dark pools in his paler face. For a moment he froze, but Tony didn't move, so he lifted his hand, passing by the curve of muscle of his upper arm, touching his jaw, feeling the roughness of stubble Tony hadn't had the energy to shave off today, hollow of cheek, raise of cheekbone, following it to the shell of his ear, into warm hair, strands thick but still soft under his fingertips. Still, Tony was motionless under the light touches. His eyes were open and Loki knew Tony was watching his face, probably could see it more clearly than he himself could see Tony's, since Loki was the one facing the window on the opposite wall, but he couldn't make out the look in those dark eyes, so he could pretend it didn't matter.
He'd said he needed to think, but right now he wasn't thinking, and it felt... It felt. He liked that it did. So he couldn't see how there was anything wrong happening.
With his hand still in Tony's hair, almost cupping his head in his palm, Loki straightened his legs again, and shifted closer until his head was half on his own pillow and half on Tony's. The minty smell of Tony's breath was sharper here, even more since the breaths came noticeably faster now. He moved just a hint closer, and under his hand he could feel Tony's head change its angle on the pillow; not moving closer to meet him, but definitely making himself more accessible to Loki's advances. A silent and small but clear invitation.
It was the only thing that Loki needed. In fact, more would likely have scared him off. But now he took that invitation. He pulled in a long, slow breath, like he was preparing to go underwater and didn't know when he would be able to come back up for air. Then he closed the last couple of inches of distance, angled his head just a bit so their noses wouldn't hit dead on, and half a heartbeat later his lips settled on Tony's, as gently as he could make it in the dark when his depth perception was far from perfect.
Tony's lips were soft. So soft, it felt like they were melting under Loki's. It could have given the impression that he was unresponsive, but it seemed more like he wanted to meld with Loki, made himself as malleable as he could be to bring Loki that tiny little bit closer. After a moment though they became firmer, as Tony returned some of the preassure of the kiss. And then Loki slowly pulled back, and they both let out long and slightly unsteady breaths through their noses.
They lay there in silence for a while, Loki's hand having moved down to rest on Tony's ribs instead.
Then Loki pulled another breath. ”I did like that.”
”Me too.”
Even in the dark the warmth of their smiles was like a golden glow.
They both woke up with a start when Loki's alarm went off way too early the next morning, when at least Loki felt like he had just closed his eyes five minutes ago. He scrambled over Tony's body with sleep-heavy, uncoordinated limbs to reach the phone on the floor and kill the noise, and then fell down on his back with a grunt.
”Don't wanna”, he whined, hiding his face in his hands.
An arm came to rest around his chest and soft lips brushed by his temple, sending strange chills of sensation over his skin. ”I'll go get the coffee ready while you get dressed”, Tony mumbled against his cheekbone and then rolled out of bed at once, of his own free will.
Loki dropped his hands just in time to let his squinting, blurred eyes see the shape of Tony disappear out through the door. He had to still be dreaming. Tony had never gotten out of bed without Loki having to poke and prod before.
At last he decided to not waste what had to be some form of miracle and forced himself out of bed as well, got dressed in the black pants and white shirt that made up his work outfit, and walked across the hall to the bathroom. He splashed some cold water on his face in hope that it would wake him up, but it didn't feel like it worked. After rubbing himself dry he looked into the mirror to pull his hair back into a ponytail, and realized he looked a little bit like a corpse, all grayish pale against the white shirt, dark, swollen patches under his eyes with just as puffy, heavy lids.
He really didn't wear lack of sleep well.
He had been lying awake most of the night, trying to make sense of the implications of their conversation. It hadn't given him much more than fresh sets of questions and worries.
The step into this new intimacy – because that's definitely what it was, even if not in the physical sense – was in one way smaller than it would have been with a stranger. And in another way, much bigger. They had a history, an existing and deep relationship, they even lived together. If they messed this up they couldn't just shrug it off and move on. They had so much to lose. Everything to lose.
It was terrifying.
Yet, there was also so much to gain. The thought of possibly having Tony be a part of his life he'd never imagined before filled Loki with a warm excitement he couldn't possibly deny. Didn't want to deny. He'd spent years being fairly certain no-one would want to be in that kind of relationship with him, ever, and now he could possibly have that with someone who was already his best friend, knew him better than anyone, was already his life partner, in a lot of ways.
Loki still worried, though. Because that was what he did. In the end he couldn't keep the worry to himself, so when he had settled in the kitchen, so tired he saw two cups of coffee on the breakfast table in front of him were there was in reality only one, he brought it up.
”What happens if this doesn't work out?” He tore his eyes from the cup that was still trying to split itself in two, and blinked at Tony's serious face.
”You afraid we'll mess up?”
”To be fair?” Loki gave a wry smile. ”We both do that. A lot. You think we will do it less together than on our own?”
”Well, probably not.” Tony shrugged, and then leaned forward with his elbows on the table. ”But this doesn't have to change anything, either way.”
At that Loki couldn't hold back a little snort. ”You do know that's bullshit, right? It's already changed everything.”
”I guess I mean it doesn't have to make anything worse”, Tony elaborated. ”Maybe it won't work, but as long as we're just the way we always have been, just honest and real, there's no reason it should be a problem.”
Of course he had a point, Loki had to give him that, but he still couldn't completely agree. There were so many reasons it could turn problematic and drive a wedge between them, instead of bringing them closer. One of them would always want something the other couldn't give, just for one thing.
Tony must have seen some of his thoughts passing by on his face, because he gave a soft little sigh, leaned in further across the table and reached out to catch Loki's hands in his. ”Okay, listen here.”
Watching his intent face Loki's didn't say anything, just waited.
”Loki, you're...” Tony cut himself short and made a face, before he shook himself and gave Loki a smile that was a bit apologetic. ”This is going to sound really damn dramatic and sort of lame and I'm sorry about that in advance but, yeah, well...” He pulled a breath and threw himself into it. ”You're the love of my life.” When he finished the sentence he gripped Loki's hands harder, like he was afraid he would pull away and run. ”I can't put it any other way; you've always been there, you've always had a place in my heart, and no-one has even come close to meaning as much to me as you do. And even if we end up not able to love each other that way, if we try and fail, if we break up a year from now, or twenty, or never, none of it will change the fact that I do love you. In what way and what sort of label we put on it... Yeah, I don't really give a shit. As long as you're in my life and you're happy there, I'll be happy. And when I say nothing will change, that's what I really mean by that.”
They sat quiet for a while, and Loki could only stare at Tony, feeling the warmth of his fingers and seeing him turn more and more blurred as tears flooded his eyes. He blinked, felt the hot drops run down his cheeks and saw Tony's face become clear again. Now Tony was the one looking worried, so Loki glanced down at their hands, gathering his feelings up and gripping Tony's hands harder, running the pads of his thumbs over the backs of them in soothing circles, just like Tony so often did with him. When he looked back up, they wore matching, wrecked smiles.
”You're the love of my life too, Tony. No matter what.” His voice was thick and wet but he didn't care. ”No matter how lame it might sound”, he added with a smile that was a bit clearer and brighter.
”You know? Now that I hear it, it doesn't sound lame at all.”
Their smiles turned wider.
Then they had to hurry up with finishing their breakfast, or Loki would be late for work. The ride into town was quiet, but it was a relaxed, warm, comfortable sort of silence and they kept glancing at each other now and then until Tony pulled up outside the bookshop. Loki rubbed a hand over his tired, puffy eyes and looked at Tony again.
”I look a mess, don't I?” He sighed deeply.
”Yeah.” Tony wasn't one to lie. ”You sort of look like a happy mess, though”, he added with a smile.
Since that was pretty much exactly how he felt, Loki thought he would be able to live with that. So he returned Tony's smile, reached out and slipped his fingers into the hand resting on Tony's closest thigh.
Smiling wider, Tony closed his hand in a warm hold around his fingers.
”Our lives really could have been a lot worse”, Loki told him, really meaning it this time.
”Yeah”, Tony agreed, grinning now, ”they could have been normal...”